Firstly, it’s a good idea to acknowledge that a little insecurity is a good thing because it helps us stay motivated. However, insecurity is only good in moderation, and constantly feeling insecure or unsafe will not lead to a happy life.

In this article, I’ll take a look at why feeling secure is so important and more importantly, some tips on how to feel more secure.

Why it’s important to feel secure

As a child, I would spend my summers playing a version of hide-and-seek, where the objective was to rush from your hiding spot to the “home base” and yell “Free!” or “Safe!”. I can still vividly remember how good it felt to be “safe” after reaching the home base.

As an adult, I’ve found similar feelings of security and relief after successfully extending the lease of an apartment or solving a relationship-related problem. You probably have your own examples of uncertain times and how good it was to feel secure afterward.

Feeling secure is a basic human need

Feeling secure is a basic human need in several ways.

Firstly, there is physical security – we need to be protected from the elements and other dangers. But mental security is just as important – we need to feel that we belong and that we have control of our lives, that we are safe.

Being and feeling safe is the foundation of living a fulfilling life. If we’re not feeling safe, our thoughts and energy are directed toward finding safety and security.

For example, I’ve met children who have trouble doing their homework at home because of the unpredictable moods of an alcoholic parent, and it’s completely understandable – how are you supposed to focus on your math homework if you have to keep an eye out for your mom’s mood swings and whims?

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

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How insecurity causes negativity

On the other end of the spectrum, being insecure in yourself can also cause problems. In a relationship, an insecure partner may suppress their needs to serve those of their partner, or overcorrect and come across as overbearing and controlling.

That’s why feeling secure on all levels is so important. We can’t learn, develop, or even enjoy life if we aren’t safe physically or secure in both our relationships and in ourselves.

John Bowlby, the creator of attachment theory, writes in his 1988 book A Secure Base:

All of us, from the cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures.

John Bowlby

In practice, this means that children develop trust if they have a relationship with an attachment figure (usually a parent), who meets their needs and is emotionally available, someone whom children can turn to for comfort.

Just like in the hide-and-seek game, the attachment figure is a safe “home base” that children can return to after exploring.

But adults need secure bases, too. For most people, it’s their significant other who they can always turn to and who gives them encouragement to explore the world, but it can also be a friend.

My favorite example of a secure base in adulthood is the “work bestie” – that one coworker who’s fun during lunch break and has got your back when you’re preparing to ask for a raise.

What’s the purpose of feeling insecure?

With all that being said, it’s normal to feel a little insecure at times. Starting a new job or relationship, or moving to a new town are all big changes in life and it’s completely normal to feel a little wobbly.

It takes time to adapt to new surroundings and situations. I’ve recently switched up my sleep schedule and after two weeks, I still wake up scared that I have missed my alarm and unsure if I’ll make it to work in time.

Even if everything is going fine, you shouldn’t panic at the first sign of uncertainty. It’s completely normal to feel insecure sometimes, it’s just a part of the wonderful and varied experience of being a human. Additionally, sometimes happiness can be found outside of your bubble of security.

Insecurity is also important for self-honesty: nobody’s perfect and it’s often insecurity that drives self-improvement and growth. While not impossible, growth is highly unlikely if you think you’re already good enough at everything.

7 ways to feel more secure

While insecurity can be motivating, it’s completely understandable that people seek security, especially in uncertain times like these.

Unfortunately, there is no VPN for mental security, but there are ways to feel more secure.

1. Realize you’re not in it alone

In our insecure moments, we might feel like the world is against us and no one’s on our side. But that’s not true – there is always someone who’s there for you and you just have to reach out and find your secure base.

Maybe it’s your family or friends, maybe it’s your significant other. If your personal relationships do not feel secure right now, try seeking help from a counselor (face-to-face or online) or a support group, if you’re struggling with a specific problem that’s making you insecure.

Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side: remember, it’s completely normal to feel insecure at times. But be mindful of others, too – just like it’s your right to reach out, it’s their right to reject your request. That’s why it’s a good idea to have several supportive relationships.

2. Check your body language

Look confident and your mind will follow. This doesn’t mean that you have to put on your best suit or rock a full face of make-up – but if it makes you more confident, then go for it! Often, a change in posture is all it takes.

When we’re insecure, we tend to make ourselves smaller – we droop our shoulders, lower our heads and hunch our backs. Depending on your personality, your mannerisms might be quiet and meek or nervous and anxious.

I tend to do these things all the time. At work, I find myself hunched protectively over the keyboard as I type out a non-confrontational letter to confrontational parents. I wring my hands as I talk to some of the more intimidating teachers.

If you recognize yourself here – maybe you’re drooping your shoulders right now – I invite you to do the following:

1. Straighten your back.
2. Push back your shoulders.
3. Lift your chin and gaze straight ahead or make eye contact.

How does it feel? Try to change your posture every time you feel insecure. Not only will it make you feel more secure and confident, but it will make others believe it, too.

There’s science to back this up, too. A 2010 study found that power posing – adopting open, expansive poses that signal power – for only 1 minute decreased the stress hormone cortisol and increased feelings of power and tolerance for risk.

3. Do more of what you love

We love being good at something because it makes us feel accomplished and capable. When you’re feeling insecure about something in your life, it’s a good idea to remind yourself of the things you’re good at.

It doesn’t matter if you enjoy running, golf, knitting, or calligraphy. It’s important to have a regular hobby or pastime that makes you feel good about yourself and your skills. Just watching a movie or reading a book may be the ticket if you love it.

Trying out a new hobby is also a good way to develop and learn new skills and feel accomplished.

In this case, it’s important to remember that perfection takes time, and setting smaller goals is the key to success.

4. Be more optimistic

Often, insecurities arise from general negativity in our lives, like some sort of snowball: one thing goes wrong and the snowball is set in motion, gathering size and momentum as it rolls through your life.

Yes, multiple things can go wrong at the same time, but there are always things to be grateful for and optimistic about. Even if it’s just the basics, like having a roof over your head and food on the table, or trivial things, like finally getting to binge the new season of The Crown on Netflix.

Noticing the good things also helps to shine a light on the things that are under our control. Watching Netflix means that while you might not have control over your living situation right now, you have control over your entertainment.

Having a home means having your own safe space that you can decorate and fill with the things you love, even if there’s a global pandemic wreaking havoc outside.

5. Trust yourself

This probably isn’t the first time you feel insecure, and it won’t be the last. Sometimes, it’s useful to jog your memory and remind yourself how you beat insecurity the last time around.

If you can’t quite remember, that’s okay – trust yourself to handle this. You’ve got this. Think of the hard times you’ve been through.

One way to build trust in yourself is to try affirmations or positive statements about yourself. Some good trust-building affirmations are:

• I can do this!
• I am good enough.
• I’m going to make myself so proud.
• I will succeed today.
• I have the power to create change.

6. Develop a gratitude habit

Gratitude isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a powerful tool for fostering security. Start by acknowledging the positive aspects of your life, no matter how small. This practice shifts your focus from what’s lacking to what’s abundant.

For instance, appreciate a sunny day, a good meal, or a supportive friend. By regularly identifying things you’re grateful for, you cultivate a mindset that recognizes and appreciates the stability and goodness already present in your life.

To make this actionable, keep a gratitude journal. Each day, jot down three things you’re thankful for. These can range from significant achievements to simple pleasures. Over time, this habit not only enhances your sense of security but also improves overall well-being.

Remember, gratitude is like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes in shaping your perception of security and happiness.

7. Strengthen your social connections

Feeling secure often stems from the relationships we have. Strong social connections provide a sense of belonging and support, crucial elements for feeling secure. Assess the quality of your current relationships and take steps to strengthen them. This might mean reaching out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, or planning regular catch-ups with family members.

Moreover, don’t shy away from building new connections. Join clubs, groups, or online communities that align with your interests. Engaging in social activities not only expands your social circle but also reinforces your sense of identity and belonging.

Remember, it’s not the number of friends, but the quality of these relationships that count. Nurturing deep, meaningful connections can significantly enhance your feeling of security in an unpredictable world.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Wrapping up

Feeling secure is a basic human need, and while insecurity may have some benefits, security is the key to a happier life. It’s okay to feel insecure at times, but when it starts getting in the way of your happiness, it’s time to intervene. Security can be found in a positive mindset, looking confident, reaching out, and spending time on things you love. While not always easy, these are all worth a try.

What do you think? What’s your take on the importance of feeling secure? Have you ever felt unhappy due to a lack of security? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 7 Ways to Be More Secure in Life (and Why This Matters!) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Integrity is all about living according to your values and principles, even if it’s hard. Integrity isn’t something you achieve, but rather, something you consciously choose every day. When you know your values, they will act like a compass pointing you in the right direction. Communicating assertively and striving to always be honest with yourself and others will also help you live your life with integrity. 

In this article, I’ll take a look at what integrity is and what it consists of, and more importantly, some ways to live with integrity. 

What is integrity, anyway?

Integrity is something we like to see in leaders, politicians, teachers, and health professionals, as well as in our loved ones and in ourselves. But ask people to define “integrity” and you’ll likely run into hesitant attempts at trying to find the right words. 

Before reading on, I recommend trying to define what “integrity” means for you. If you have someone nearby, try asking them, too.

My own understanding of the word has been sullied by the research I’ve done for this article – which I will present shortly – but for me, “integrity” is best described in Frank Sinatra’s My Way. 

If you’re not familiar with the song, I recommend giving it a listen. In short, the lyrics tell the story of a man at the end of his life, reflecting on how he faced all of life’s joys and hardships his way – in other words, with unwavering integrity: 

For what is a man, what has he got

If not himself, then he has naught

Not to say the things that he truly feels

And not the words of someone who kneels

The record shows I took all the blows

And did it my way

My Way – Frank Sinatra

Many definitions of integrity have to do with having a strong internal moral compass and behaving according to your values and principles. It’s closely connected to ethics and morality and is considered a foundational moral virtue. 

Honesty is also often mentioned, especially in dictionary definitions. 

It’s also interesting to note that in my native Estonian, there’s no direct translation of the word “integrity” (which isn’t to say that we’re unfamiliar with the concept), but the word is most often translated as ausameelne and põhimõttekindel, meaning “honest” and “principled”. 

Chances are that your own definition also used similar keywords. 

There’s another great take on integrity that is often falsely attributed to author C. S. Lewis: “Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.”

This is a paraphrase of the following quote from comedian and motivational speaker Charles Marshall: 

Integrity is doing the right thing when you don’t have to—when no one else is looking or will ever know—when there will be no congratulations or recognition for having done so.”

Charles Marshall

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

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Values and morals and principles, oh my

In a way, integrity can be thought of as a compass that points you in the right direction, your own magnetic north. In this metaphor, values, morals, and principles are the needle of the compass aligning you with your north, not the north itself. 

It’s important to make this distinction because sometimes, we can treat integrity and values like goals or destinations. For example, we might say that we want to act with integrity. If we value acceptance, we might say that we want to achieve acceptance. 

Goals are good to have, but values aren’t goals. Therapist and coach Dr. Russ Harris writes:

Values are not about what you want to get or achieve; they are about how you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis; how you want to treat yourself, others, the world around you.

Russ Harris

The same goes for morals and principles: they aren’t something you achieve, they’re something you act on. You can’t become a moral person by doing immoral things in the name of the greater good; you are a moral person if you consciously choose to be one. 

It should go without saying that everyone’s values, morals, and principles are different. Even if our general definition of integrity is the same, our integrity won’t look the same. 

For example, some people make a point of being independent and never relying on anyone else, while others will build a group or a network to consolidate forces and achieve more through cooperation. 

And we haven’t even tapped into the numerous political or religious differences that are often inseparable from our values and principles. 

How to live with integrity

It’s not always easy to act with integrity, but that’s not the point: integrity isn’t doing what’s easy, it’s doing what’s right. If you’re looking to build your own compass, look no further: here are 6 tips on how to live with integrity. 

1. Find your values

It’s much easier to stand for what’s right if you know what you stand for. Integrity often starts from figuring out and defining your values. 

There are many ways to go about this. For example, you can simply try to brainstorm and write down behaviors and characteristics that you value in yourself and others. 

If you need a cheat sheet, I recommend the values handout from Dr Russ Harris or this one from Therapist Aid. 

The most important thing is to take as much time as you need and be completely honest with yourself. Keep in mind that values in different domains of life can sometimes contradict each other: you may value independence in your personal life and cooperation at work or vice versa. You may also find that your values don’t entirely align with those of your loved ones or role models. Don’t be discouraged if these things happen: you’re working out your own values, not someone else’s. 

2. Make conscious decisions

A large part of living with integrity is acting with intent. This means making conscious decisions in your relationships, career, or life in general. 

When we’re unsure of what path to take, we tend to postpone making the decision until the decision is made for us. This can apply to small, inconsequential decisions like where to have dinner (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone back and forth between two spots until one of them closes and I’m only left with one option) or to bigger, more important things like relationships. 

Small choices are a good place to practice conscious decision-making. Take the time to weigh your options and make the best choice you can with the information you have. In retrospect, it might turn out to be the “wrong” choice, but we can’t see the future.

Living with integrity means making choices that are yours, no matter how “right” or “wrong”. 

3. Strive to be honest with yourself and others

We’ve all told a white lie every now and then, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, it’s a conscious decision to preserve a loved one’s peace of mind, or sometimes we’re just trying to save our own skin. 

However, honesty is an integral part of integrity. This can mean telling your friend what you really think about their new haircut, being truthful with your spouse about the cost of your new gadget (and having a long think about your relationship if that’s something you can’t be truthful about), or owning up to your mistakes. 

It’s completely okay to still tell a little white lie when you need to, as long as you understand why it was necessary. But consider being honest first: it’s often easier to excuse your late arrival by blaming the traffic, but consider if admitting that you slept in would really be the end of the world you think it is. 

Things happen, people make mistakes and you’re no exception. And there’s nothing wrong with being honest about that. 

4. Be assertive

Integrity can mean standing up for yourself and asserting your needs or opinions. When you’re used to being passive, being assertive can feel aggressive. Similarly, when you’re used to aggressive communication, assertiveness can feel like submitting. 

Assertiveness is all about expressing yourself clearly and effectively while remaining respectful and non-judgemental of other people. It’s communicating your needs without disregarding the needs of others. Assertive communication is always based on mutual respect. 

A common way to practice assertive communication is to use “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying “You’re wrong”, say “I disagree”. 

A longer form of an “I” statement incorporates your feelings and thoughts without judging the other person. For example, instead of “You’re always late!”, use “I’m upset when you’re late because I don’t know if you’re going to make it. In the future, can you let me know when you’re going to be late, so I don’t worry so much?”

Here’s an entire article dedicated to how to be more assertive in your life.

5. Embrace continuous learning with a growth mindset

Integrity isn’t just about adhering to your values; it’s also about being open to growth and new perspectives.

Embrace continuous learning as a way to deepen and sometimes challenge your understanding of what it means to live with integrity. This might involve seeking out new experiences, reading broadly, or engaging in meaningful conversations. By committing to lifelong learning, you’re acknowledging that integrity involves an evolving understanding of yourself and the world around you.

Set aside time each week to engage with new ideas. This could be through books, documentaries, workshops, or discussions with individuals who inspire you. Reflect on how these insights might shape or reaffirm your values. Keep a journal of your reflections and how they might influence your actions moving forward.

6. Build a social network of integrity

Integrity is often seen as a personal virtue, but it gains tremendous strength when supported by a community. Engage with groups and networks that reflect the values you hold dear. This can reinforce your personal commitment to living with integrity and provide you with examples and role models.

Additionally, being part of a community can offer support when making difficult decisions that reflect your values.

Identify groups, clubs, or online communities that align with your values and actively participate in them. Offer your skills and time to community services or groups that uphold the principles you believe in. Regularly engage in community discussions and activities to keep your understanding of integrity dynamic and informed by diverse perspectives.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

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Wrapping up

Integrity isn’t easy, because it’s not about doing what’s easy, it’s all about doing what’s right. However, when you make the conscious decision to live with honesty and integrity, you may find life easier to navigate, because you have your own internal compass of values and principles to guide you. 

What do you think? Do you live with integrity, or do you find it difficult to have your actions aligned with what you believe in? I’d love to continue this post in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 6 Ways to Live a Life With Integrity (and Why it Matters) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Inner peace has many facets that all contribute to an overall sense of serenity. These can be divided into four categories: higher power, harmony, positivity, and lifestyle. These categories encompass smaller factors like a sense of purpose, acceptance, mindfulness, happiness, a sense of humor, and a healthy lifestyle. Therefore, finding and practicing these things can also help you find inner peace. 

In this article, I’ll take a closer look at the different facets of inner peace and, more importantly, how to find it. 

What is inner peace?

“Inner peace” sounds vaguely spiritual, like something you should seek in a temple or through prayer. While those things may be true to some people, there are other aspects to inner peace. 

Like many psychological concepts, inner peace doesn’t have one specific definition. Rather, there are many different definitions for different purposes: a religious counselor might define it one way, while a psychological researcher has a completely different take on the concept. 

To make sure that we’re all on the same page before we get into the nitty-gritty of finding inner peace, I’m going to be using Dale R. Floody’s approach to inner peace. Floody is an American professor of psychology, who developed the Viterbo Serenity Inventory. The inventory is based on multidisciplinary literature, including approaches from positive psychology, 12-Step Programs, nursing, Buddhism, Native American, and mindfulness.

According to Floody’s chapter in the 2013 book Personal Peacefulness, the inventory encompasses four components of inner peace:

1. Higher power
2. Harmony
3. Positivity
4. Lifestyle

Let’s take a quick look at each of these. 

1. Higher power

Higher power involves a sense of spirituality. While it can be related to organized religion, it doesn’t have to be. It can also mean a sense of connectedness to others and compassion, and can involve some sort of reflection or contemplation. 

Furthermore, higher power involves a sense of meaning and purpose in life. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl argues that people can find meaning in almost anything (including suffering), and in doing so, they can find humanity and inner peace.

2. Harmony

Harmony involves having a place of peace or an inner haven to which you can retreat when faced with life’s normal stresses, adversities, and emotional upheavals.

Achieving harmony may include practicing acceptance, anger management, forgiveness, self-compassion, mindfulness, or meditation. 

3. Positivity

Positivity is all about happiness and subjective well-being. Positive emotions also play a role, although it’s important to realize that “negative” emotions, like sadness, anger and fear, are normal and inseparable parts of life as well. 

A sense of humor, gratitude and positive coping mechanisms also contribute towards a general sense of positivity. 

4. Lifestyle

Certain lifestyle changes are integral in achieving inner peace. These include living for today, pursuing a simple life, appreciating nature, taking care of your health, having positive social networks, contributing to society or volunteering. 

Dale R. Floody also posits that servant leadership is an important lifestyle choice. Servant leaders are first and foremost interested in serving others as a conscious choice, and become leaders as a result.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Inner peace and happiness

The Viterbo Serenity Inventory implies that as a part of positivity, happiness is essential for inner peace. There is a certain logic to it, as having a higher level of subjective well-being will probably help you make peace-promoting lifestyle changes and practice forgiveness, acceptance and self-compassion. 

However, the causal relationship isn’t entirely clear. The things that make up inner peace, from positive relationships to self-compassion, are also the things that make us happier and promote subjective well-being.

A 2012 study implies that a sense of inner peace is a dimension of durable and lasting happiness, although the authors are hesitant to make concrete statements about causality.

In short, it isn’t clear what came first – the chicken or the egg. Or, in fact, which concept is the chicken and which is the egg in this scenario. Nevertheless, happiness and inner peace seem to be related in one way or another, most likely in a symbiotic relationship, where finding one will help to boost the other. 

7 ways to find inner peace

We all have days when no amount of deep breaths and positive affirmations will calm us down, and we could benefit from some inner peace both in the short and long run. And while it may be hard to define, inner peace doesn’t have to be hard to find. 

Here are 5 tips on how to find inner peace. 

1. Find your why

If you’ve ever felt lost or restless in your life, career or relationships, you know how good it feels when you finally find your direction or purpose. Finding your why and a sense of purpose is an essential step on your road to inner peace. 

There is no one way to find your why. It may involve taking a closer look at your job, hobbies, relationships or any other areas of your life. You can also find out by asking why you chose that particular career or became friends with those people. 

Finding your purpose may also involve stepping out of your comfort zone, trying new things and letting new people into your life. 

2. Practice mindfulness

For many people, mindfulness is synonymous with meditation, and meditation is synonymous with peace. Of course, mindfulness isn’t just about meditation – but it is helpful in finding inner peace. 

The results of a 2013 randomized controlled trial – the gold standard of research in psychological and medical interventions – show that an 8-week mindfulness training program increased the participants’ inner peace. The training involved mindfulness exercises like body scan, sitting and walking meditations and yoga, as well as group discussions. 

So if meditation isn’t your thing, try adopting the mindful worldview of being present here and now without passing judgment on people, situations, experiences and emotions. 

3. Accept that you can’t control everything

You’re probably familiar with the serenity prayer in some variation:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

While initially a Christian prayer, this passage is widespread in secular contexts as well, and for a good reason. In one sentence, it encapsulates the importance of knowing what you can and can’t control. 

One of the easiest ways to lose your cool is to try to control something you can’t, be it the weather or other people. Once you’ve accepted your lack of control over them, you can either move on or realize that you can influence some things. Sure, you can’t control the weather, but you can grab an umbrella if it’s raining. Or while you can’t control another person’s actions, you can be open about your own expectations. 

4. Take care of yourself

It’s easier to find peace if you’re thriving, not just surviving. Making sure that you are eating well, drinking water, getting enough rest, sleep and physical activity are the most basic building blocks of well-being. 

This doesn’t mean that you have to be the picture of perfect health – we all indulge in junk food and lose sleep sometimes.

(Case in point: Estonia is in the middle of a heatwave right now and I live in an old house; peaceful and uninterrupted sleep is a luxury reserved for people with AC.)

Just like “negative” emotions, some “unhealthiness” is a part of life. 

But making sure that you’re well-rested and well-fed will make it so much easier to practice mindfulness and focus on finding your purpose. Because when you’re hungry and tired, your only purpose is to eat and sleep. 

5. Laugh

Life is absurd and unpredictable and sometimes, the best way to find peace is to laugh at it. Don’t be afraid to joke about the hard things in life or giggle at silly memes with your friends. 

Laughing about something doesn’t mean that you’re turning a blind eye to the very real issues or consequences of life. But approaching life with a sense of humor will make it easier to deal with these issues. 

Some time ago, I went to the ballet for the first time in ages. For the ballet company, it was their first performance after lockdown, and among other ballet classics, they performed a COVID restriction-compliant “Dance of the Little Swans”, with the four dancers dutifully holding the recommended 2-meter distance. 

It was a sweet reminder that you can find some fun, peace, and levity even during the second year of a global pandemic.

6. Leave the digital world and enter nature

In today’s hyper-connected era, the digital world constantly bombards us with information and distractions.

It’s essential to take deliberate breaks, stepping away from screens and immersing ourselves in the natural world. Nature offers a therapeutic escape, grounding us and providing a fresh perspective.

Allocate specific times in your week for a digital detox. This could mean turning off notifications, dedicating an entire day away from screens, or simply setting aside a few hours for a nature walk.

Whether it’s a stroll in a local park, tending to a garden, or listening to the calming sounds of a forest, these moments with nature can be profoundly rejuvenating, paving the way to inner peace.

7. Cultivate a daily gratitude practice

Life’s fast pace often blinds us to the countless blessings surrounding us. By actively practicing gratitude, we can shift our focus from what’s missing to the abundance that’s already present.

This simple act of recognizing and appreciating the good in our lives can be transformative, fostering positivity and a deeper sense of contentment.

Begin with a daily ritual of noting down three things you’re grateful for. It could be as simple as a kind gesture from a stranger, the beauty of a sunset, or a cherished memory.

Make it a habit to express your appreciation openly, whether it’s a heartfelt ‘thank you’ to a loved one or acknowledging someone’s effort. These daily moments of gratitude, when practiced consistently, can anchor us in positivity and pave the way to lasting inner peace.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Inner peace is a multidisciplinary and multifaceted phenomenon that is closely related to happiness, so it’s no wonder that many people are interested in finding it, especially in our hectic and ever-changing world. And the good news is that there are plenty of tools that can help you find it, from having a sense of purpose and practicing mindfulness to accepting the absurdities of life with a sense of humor.

What do you think? Did I miss something that has helped you find inner peace recently? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 7 Ways to Find Inner Peace and Harmony (With Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

It’s true that being too focused on pursuing happiness can actually make you unhappy sometimes. Actively seeking our own happiness can make us lonely and it may make it seem like we’re running out of time. But when happiness is within reach, taking a conscious extra step does no harm. In fact, if you do it right, pursuing happiness can be worth your while!

In this article, I’ll take a look at what science says about the pursuit of happiness, as well as some tips on how to make the pursuit of happiness as painless as possible.

Is pursuing happiness a good idea?

Most people have heard the old adage “seek and you shall find” at least once in their lives, and it seems to be true for most things.

Happiness, however, may be different. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy or trying to live a happier life. Conscious choices usually help you live more meaningfully and happily.

But there is a difference between making good choices and actively and persistently pursuing happiness. Just like you can’t fake happiness, you can’t force it.

To quote the English philosopher John Stuart Mill:

Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end.

In other words, those that focus on the journey – and not on the destination – are the happiest.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What science says about the pursuit of happiness

You don’t just have to take my word for it – science seems to say so, too.

A 2011 study reports that under certain circumstances, pursuing happiness can actually be detrimental.

In the experiments, leading people to value happiness more made them feel less happy, but only in a positive emotional context. When we are experiencing positive emotions, expectations for happiness are high and it is difficult to attribute the failure to be happy to one’s circumstances.

People are more likely to feel disappointed in their level of happiness, and therefore, valuing happiness may lead people to be less happy.

When the pursuit of happiness makes you miserable

Sometimes, pursuing happiness may not just make you less happy, but can also be a risk factor for depression.

A 2014 study found that highly valuing happiness is associated with elevated symptoms and diagnosis of major depressive disorder. The authors propose that this is due to two things: valuing happiness decreases positive emotion, and extreme and inflexible emotional values may lead to disordered emotional regulation.

Both of these are risk factors and a symptom of depression. Basically, if you’re too fixated on wanting to be happy, you’re inadvertently decreasing your current happiness level.

One of the ways in which pursuing happiness can backfire is by making people lonely, as reported by another study from 2011. In western contexts, happiness is usually defined in terms of personal positive feelings, and striving for personal gains can damage connections with others, which makes people lonely. Loneliness is one of the most robust causes of unhappiness and well-being.

Another way the pursuit of happiness can make you a little less happy is by altering your perception of how much time you have.

A widely reported study from 2018 found that happiness seeking reduces the time we think is available, but only when we think that our goal will take a long time to achieve. This feeling does not occur when we have already achieved our goal or when we sense that it’s within reach and will take little time to achieve.

Why happiness can feel elusive

Happiness is often an elusive goal that is never fully realized. People may feel like they have to dedicate a lot of time to pursuing future happiness, which leaves less time for enjoying and appreciating the present.

When we are pressed for time, we gravitate towards material possessions instead of experiences, and we are less willing to spend time helping others and volunteering, which can make us less happy.

Happiness is a very individual concept. My happiness may not be your happiness, and this is true for cultures as well. American happiness is not the same as Russian or Malaysian happiness, and the pursuit of happiness has different outcomes in different cultures, as demonstrated by a 2015 study.

The researchers studied the U.S., Germany, Russia, and East Asia to see how culture influences happiness. According to the results, motivation to pursue happiness predicted lower well-being in the U.S., and predicted higher well-being in Russia and in East Asia, while no correlation was found in Germany. This can be explained by the differences in how people pursue happiness in different countries.

In the U.S. and other individualistic cultures, the pursuit of happiness is very personal, while in East Asia and Russia, it is a more social endeavor.

3 better ways to pursue happiness without it backfiring

Science may not be very encouraging, but there are ways to make sure that your pursuit of happiness doesn’t backfire.

1. Stay in the moment and enjoy the journey

Instead of worrying about future happiness that you don’t know how to achieve, try staying in the present.

If you’re constantly worrying about what’s to come, especially over things that you may not have control over, you’re lowering your chances of being happy right now.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t take any steps with your future in mind. But you live here and now, and feeling good in the moment is important for your well-being.

A good way to both reduce worrying and make sure you stay in the moment is to practice mindfulness.

2. Focus on relationships

Research shows that the pursuit of happiness can make us lonely. To avoid that, prioritize relationships to keep them flourishing. Not only will you be less lonely, but friendships can also make you happier.

We might sometimes feel like we have to be happy (or at least seem happy) to have good relationships, but it really works the other way around – good relationships make us happy. If you want more tips on how to be a good friend, we’ve got you covered.

3. Be flexible

So you have a plan and a list of goals to reach. You know what happiness is to you and you know how to get there. But then life throws a curveball at you, and suddenly, your plan doesn’t work.

If you’re too fixated on your goals and happiness, it may be hard to move on after a setback. But a more flexible approach allows you to regroup and move on much more easily. Be ready to spend more time than you planned or to set your happiness goal on the backburner if something more pressing comes up.

Think of the following:

Happiness = reality – expectations

You have probably seen this equation before. If you want to enjoy the journey of happiness more without focusing on getting to the destination, it helps to let go of expectations.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Pursuing happiness can make you unhappy when you’re not also enjoying the journey. But it doesn’t have to be that way – the pursuit of happiness can be a meaningful journey if you remember to stay in the present and value your relationships.

What’s your take on the pursuit of happiness? Do you try to chase happiness or do you wait and let it come to you? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 3 Ways to Pursue Happiness Without it Backfiring appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

One of the reasons why our resolutions often fail is that we tend to be overly optimistic in our holiday-induced haze. The other reason is more common and far less poetic: there’s an inherent risk of failure in trying something new and if there is one thing humans are afraid of, it’s failure. While the purpose of this fear is to protect us, it can also stop us from achieving our full potential.

In this article, I’ll take a closer look at the nature of the fear of trying or starting something new and how to overcome it.

Why trying new things is scary

There are multiple reasons that could lead to a fear of starting something new. If you are afraid of starting something new, it’s good to first find out why. Here are some potential reasons.

1. We fear what we don’t know

One of the reasons why new things are scary is that they’re new and unfamiliar.

The fear of trying something new is often called neophobia, especially if the fear is irrational or persistent.

The important thing to remember about any kind of fear and anxiety is that they serve a purpose – to protect us from potential danger and keep us alive. So to an extent, it’s normal or even beneficial to be afraid of the new and the unfamiliar.

Most people have experienced some form of neophobia, usually in relation to food. Some people can be very hesitant to try new foods, and that’s completely okay. However, if your fear of new tastes causes you to go hungry, you have a problem. Usually, though, neophobia tends to be mild and it doesn’t bother people too much.

2. Failure is an option

The other reason is that new things have an inherent risk of failure, and for most people, there is nothing scarier.

Fear of failure, also known as atychiphobia, is fairly common. I’m willing to bet that you have experienced it, too. Whether it’s not joining the workout group you’ve been thinking of or applying for a new job, most of us have been held back by the fear of failure at some point in our lives.

The fear of failure is so common because failure is the most readily available option. Success requires a lot of work and effort, and sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you’ll still fail. It takes quite a lot of mental strength and resilience to keep working towards your goal despite failures and setbacks.

This isn’t to say that there’s no point in trying. I think that humans are quite admirable because we keep trying despite the odds not always being in our favor. We are resilient beings, and more often than not, we get back up again when life knocks us down.

3. We fear shame

Some psychologists have argued that fear of failure isn’t about failure itself at all. Rather, we are afraid of the shame and embarrassment that come with failure.

This idea was first proposed by psychologist John Atkinson in 1957 and has since been proven by numerous studies. In their 2005 study, Holly McGregor and Andrew Elliot found that people who experience higher fear of failure also report greater shame upon a perceived failure experience, and showed that shame and fear of failure are definitely related.

The authors write:

Shame is a painful emotion, and thus, it is not surprising that individuals high in fear of failure orient to and seek to avoid failure in achievement situations.

Although disappointment, anger, and other negative emotions are also difficult to handle, shame really does tend to be more painful than others. Think of a situation where you felt ashamed or embarrassed. It’s probably not your fondest memory.

Another important factor influencing the fear of failure is perfectionism: the higher the expectations for oneself, the higher the fear of failure. A 2009 study found that among athletes, the fear of experiencing shame and embarrassment plays a central role in the relationship between perfectionism and fear of failure.

In conclusion, trying new things is scary because above else, humans fear the unknown and shame.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

How to overcome the fear of starting new things

The good thing about fear is that you can overcome it. The bad news is that in order to overcome it, the only way to overcome it is to go straight through it. You can’t avoid fear and hope that it’ll magically get better. But with some conscious effort and work, you can learn to love taking on new challenges instead of fearing them.

1. Start small

The key to conquering any kind of fear is to start small and gradually work your way up to the really scary stuff. If you’re afraid of public speaking, getting in front of an auditorium of thousands is a bad idea. Performing to a smaller crowd is essential to collecting positive experiences and little successes, which help you move on.

Think of overcoming your fear as a staircase – take it one step at a time. If you try to jump several steps ahead, your chances of losing balance and falling increase.

2. Accept the fear

It’s okay to be afraid of trying new things. Whether you’re afraid of failure or of being embarrassed, what matters is that you try to conquer your fear.

People often think that they shouldn’t be afraid in the first place. However, if you’re already scared, thinking that you shouldn’t be scared usually only makes the fear stronger. Accept that you’re afraid and focus your efforts on building up your courage, instead of beating yourself up for having a completely natural reaction.

3. Focus on what you can control

When we’re scared, we often come up with “what if” type of scenarios. If you’re nervous about trying something new because you keep imagining everything that can go wrong, take a moment to figure out what you can control about the situation.

For example, if you’re nervous about joining the gym, you can bring a friend with you or brush up on gym etiquette online. These things are completely under your control. Things that aren’t under your control: how many people are in the gym, do all of the machines work, is there enough room in the locker room?

Worrying about these things isn’t useful, and you should focus your effort on the stuff that you can control.

4. Manage your expectations

People are impatient. We want results and we want them now. However, it’s important to realize that getting good at something takes time. Sometimes, growing to like something can also take time.

Instead of throwing in the towel if you don’t achieve perfection immediately, allow yourself to get used to your new hobby or job. It can sometimes be love at first sight, but sometimes you need more time to adapt, and that’s okay.

Expecting quick results is also probably contributing to your fear, so take a good look at your mindset and expectations, and adjust them accordingly.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Trying something new is scary because there’s an inherent risk of failure in stepping out of your comfort zone. However, you need to get out of your comfort zone to develop as a human being, so learning to conquer your fears can only be good for you. The approaching new year is the perfect time to overcome your fear, so why not give something new a shot?

Did you overcome your fear of starting something new recently? Do you want to share your own experience? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post How to Overcome the Fear Of Starting New Things appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

The fear of success isn’t generally about success itself, but rather the consequences of it. Being successful opens us up to criticism, brings new responsibilities, and can lead to social exclusion. Striving to be successful also means the possibility of failure, which is scary too.

In this article, I will take a closer look at where the fear of success comes from, and more importantly, how to deal with it. 

What is the fear of success

Most people want to be successful in one way or another, and fear of success sounds – and often is – extremely irrational. Despite this, people may end up sabotaging their own success by procrastinating, giving up, and creating obstacles for themselves. 

Fear of success can also look like being on autopilot and going through the motions without much thought. A lack of goals or not working towards them can also be a sign that you’re afraid of success. 

Maybe you recognized yourself in that description, or maybe you’re still confused about how anyone could possibly be afraid of succeeding. To understand the fear of success, let’s take a look at the reasons behind it. 

Why would you be afraid of success?

Most often, it’s not really success itself that people fear, but rather the consequences of success. Most of us are aware that success doesn’t come without downsides. 

Success leads to criticism

For example, take one look at any celebrity’s social media post, and you’ll see that for every adoring comment, there is one filled with hate – success often goes hand in hand with criticism. 

Other than opening one up for criticism, success also tends to bring new responsibilities. At the time of writing this, Estonia has just elected our new president, and while it’s definitely a success for the President-Elect, it also comes with a massive weight on his shoulders.

Success leads to sacrifices

Even on a smaller scale, for every opportunity awarded by success, there is a new responsibility. And if you’ve ever run your local book club or homeowner’s association, you’re familiar with the double-edged sword of success. 

Success in one field can also mean sacrifices in others. Being successful at work may come at the expense of your personal life or relationships, despite your best intentions. Becoming the best in your field rarely comes without a certain kind of single-minded focus that leaves room for little else in your life. 

It should be noted that this isn’t always the case. There are plenty of people who juggle their professional and personal lives and are satisfied with both. However, there are also plenty of examples of sacrifices people have made for success. 

Feeling like you don’t deserve success

Imposter syndrome is another reason why we might be afraid of success. Imposter syndrome causes us to feel undeserving of our accomplishments and not good enough to be working in our chosen field, let alone be successful in it. It gets its name from the feeling of having somehow faked your competence and the threat of being exposed as the imposter you are, so it’s no surprise that it’s related to the fear of success. 

This spring, my colleagues nominated me for an award and instead of gratitude and love, my first reaction was confusion. Nothing brings out imposter syndrome quite like recognition, and I was initially going to rescind their nomination before my friends talked me out of it. 

By now, I have made peace with the fact that other people seem to value my work, but the first thing I was reminded of wasn’t my successes, but rather the mistakes I’ve made, and how they will be exposed for everyone to see and scrutinize.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Why are some immune to fear of success?

Success brings new responsibilities and opens you up for criticism, yet not all people are afraid of success and chase it despite (or in some cases, because) of these setbacks. 

A 2016 article posits that a fear of success mainly comes from the fear of social exclusion. Being academically successful may alienate students from their peers and the study showed that family support and school connectedness negatively predict fear of success, meaning that social support is integral in protecting people from the fear of success. 

Self-esteem is another protective factor. A 2013 study showed that in university students, fear of success was negatively related to self-esteem and self-efficacy, as well as optimism. Interestingly, the study also reports a positive relationship between the search for meaning and fear of success, which can be explained by the fact that people with lower self-esteem are less satisfied with their lives and thus more likely to be searching for a meaning or larger purpose. 

How to deal with the fear of success

Supportive relationships and self-esteem help to prevent and curb the fear of success, and the good news is that both of those things are in your own hands to create and develop. And what’s more, they aren’t the only ways to deal with the fear of success.

Here are 4 tips on how to stop being afraid of success. 

1. Remember you’re not in it alone

Social support is often the best protection against any kind of fear or stress. Even if you feel like a fraud at work or school, having supportive relationships with your friends and family will help you face any challenges. 

Supportive relationships with your colleagues or peers are also important. I often feel that while my friends are always there to hype me up, they don’t really understand the intricacies of my work. I prefer to discuss work-related woes with my colleagues because they know exactly what I’m talking about, which makes their support a little more effective. 

2. Work on your self-esteem

While supportive relationships help to raise self-esteem, there are other conscious steps you can take towards it. 

For example, if you find yourself deflecting compliments, practice accepting them – a simple “thank you” can work wonders on your self-esteem if you practice it consistently. Try to be more proud of the things you do.

Affirmations like “I can do this” and “I am worthy of success”, or any other affirmation that targets your specific insecurities, can also help to raise your self-esteem and curb the fear of success. 

You can check out this article for a more in-depth guide to boosting your self-esteem. 

3. Manage your stress

Fear has more power over us when we’re already stressed and anxious, while also making us even more stressed and anxious. This means that stress management is a great tool for dealing with the fear of success. 

Managing your stress starts by monitoring your stress levels and noticing when it all gets a little too much. Try naming at least one change in your behavior prompted by stress and keep an eye on it.

For example, when work gets hectic, I stop making my bed in the mornings and let the dishes pile up in the sink. Those two things are usually a clear sign that I need to slow down and reevaluate some things. 

Once you learn how to monitor your stress levels, it’s a matter of finding a good stress reliever. It can be meditation, exercise, unplugging for the weekend, or creative endeavors like art or music. Whatever works for you and gets your mind off work or any other stressors. Play around with different methods and find the one that works best for you. 

4. Seek professional help

When casual conversations with friends and colleagues aren’t enough, seeking professional supervision is a great way to deal with the fear of success. 

During the supervision process, you can discuss your worries, thoughts, and feelings with a specialist from your own field, who has completed further training in supervision or coaching. It’s a great way to get insight and build professional confidence – I think I learned more during a year in my supervision group than my entire master’s program (this is an exaggeration, but not by much). 

If supervision isn’t common in your field, therapy or counseling work for any kind of fear, including the fear of success. During therapy or counseling, you’ll most likely explore the reasons behind the fear, learn coping techniques and work towards gradually conquering the fear. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Fear of success is often a fear of the consequences of success – public recognition also brings criticism and a leadership role brings new responsibilities. It’s entirely possible to overcome the fear, though – maintaining healthy relationships, self-esteem, and stress levels are key. The fear of success is also still just fear, and different types of therapy and counseling can help to learn effective coping mechanisms so you can be the best, most successful version of yourself!

Have you ever allowed fear of success to stand in your way between you and your goals? What did you do to get over this hurdle back then? I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post What Causes Fear of Success? (and 4 Ways to Overcome it) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

It’s not easy to figure out what you want, or even if what you think you want is what you really want, but it’s not impossible. It does take a fair bit of introspection, trial and error, and flexibility, as well as resilience, to bounce back when your plans don’t work out. Most importantly, like all things worth having, figuring out what you want in life requires you to leave your comfort zone. 

In this article, I’ll take a look at the troubles you may run into while figuring out what you want in life, as well as tips on how to overcome them and really figure things out. 

What you want vs. what you think you should want

When I was in 9th grade, my Estonian teacher made us write a letter to our 25-year-old selves, describing the life we think we will have by then. I still have the letter, and these are the things I thought I would have by 25:

1. At least 2 kids.
2. A flat in a very specific neighborhood.
3. A job as a journalist or author.

At 25, I had precisely none of those. Instead, I was – and still am at 27 – childless, living in a completely different city, and working as a school psychologist.

According to my high school yearbook, at 18 I still thought I would become a journalist, but I somehow ended up choosing psychology. Despite this change of heart, I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever wanted to become a school psychologist, but somehow, I’ve ended up with a career I enjoy more than I thought I ever would. 

(And despite everything, I never quite let go of my journalistic ambitions, and have always done some form of writing on the side of my day job. So, 15-year-old Maili might have been onto something.)

My ideas at 15 were at least partly influenced by what I thought I should want, and to an extent, they still are. Seeing my peers starting their own businesses makes me feel like I’m missing out on something, even though I can’t say I’ve ever wanted to be an entrepreneur. 

Every culture and generation has its own ideas of success and what people should strive towards. Your own wants may align with those, or they might be at odds, but they still influence your own ideas of success. 

How your goals can change

Few people know what they want in life, and even fewer end up with the things they think they want. Take a look at your own goals and dreams from childhood and teenage years or even early adulthood. Did they come true? Did they change over time? 

Most likely, you didn’t end up with your childhood dream job or life, although I’m sure that some of you did. Many of us want to become pop stars and presidents, and as we grow up, we understand how unlikely these career paths are. 

Even as we get older and our goals get more realistic and practical, not everyone ends up working in the field they studied for. About half of my undergrad course ended up in fields other than psychology, and while I stayed in the general field, I didn’t end up a criminal psychologist as I originally planned. 

It’s completely normal for even the best-laid plans to change. Sometimes life throws a wrench in the works, or sometimes our priorities shift as we try out new things and collect new experiences. 

This doesn’t mean that there’s no point in making plans – setting goals is essential for motivation – but don’t be discouraged when your plans change.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

How to figure out what you want in life

Figuring out what you really want in life is a game of trial and error, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a plan for it. Here are four tips on how to get started with figuring things out. 

1. Try new things and meet new people

The simplest, yet simultaneously the hardest, way to figure out what you want in life is by collecting new experiences. 

Trying new things can introduce you to ways of life and experiences you didn’t even know existed. How would you know if you like something if you haven’t tried it? At the same time, trying new things can be scary, and most of us are quite content in our comfort zones. 

However, growth happens outside of the comfort zone. You don’t have to try everything, because that’s impossible anyway. But branching out from your usual patterns and social circles can be the key to figuring out what you want. 

So, if something seems interesting, go ahead and try it. If you’re curious about a way of life, go and ask the people living it. Who knows what you may find? 

2. Set goals (and change them where necessary)

Setting goals is a good way to keep ourselves motivated and get unstuck when it feels like we’re on autopilot. 

Goals are also essential to figuring out what we want in life. Take a moment to think of your current goals. You probably have those goals for a reason. Why are you working towards those things and not something else?

For example, if you’re working towards a degree because you’re passionate about the field, you probably want to work in the field and you’re right on track. However, if you’re studying because of pressure from your family or culture, your degree probably isn’t what you want, so maybe it’s time to broaden your horizons. 

Whatever your goal, don’t be afraid to change it if it’s no longer serving you – the key to figuring stuff out lies in flexibility. 

3. Find your why

It’s much easier to know what to do when you know why you want to do it. Finding your purpose in life is an important step in figuring out what you want in life. In fact, some people might say that they are the same thing. 

However, having a purpose or meaning in life is a much broader concept than the things you want. Your purpose is your motivation for achieving whatever you want in life. 

4. Figure out what you don’t want

If all else fails, start by figuring out what you don’t want. It may seem counterproductive, but sometimes, it’s easier to name the opposite first. 

For example, if you’ve always been in unsatisfying relationships, the first things that come to mind regarding future relationships are the things you don’t want to see. Even on a smaller and more trivial scale, I often find myself figuring out what I want for dinner by naming things that I don’t want. 

Or, as psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today:

We could not identify the wanted state of happiness if we did not know what it was like to experience the unwanted state of being unhappy.

Jennice Vilhauer

So start by identifying what you don’t want and then ask yourself what you would like instead.

For example: 

• Don’t want: My parents’ nagging marriage.
• Want: A supportive, loving relationship. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

It’s not easy to figure out what you want in life, but nothing worth having is. It does take flexibility and resilience for when your plans don’t pan out, and readiness and courage to come out of your comfort zone and try new things. While experimenting, you may find that what you thought you wanted isn’t what you really want, and that’s okay! You’ll figure it out in the end.

What do you think? Do you find it hard to figure out what you want in life? Or do you want to share a tip that helped you figure it all out? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 4 Tips to Figure Out What You Want in Life (with Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Happiness is desirable and often elusive, but above all, it’s subjective and constantly changing, and it’s those characteristics that make it so hard to pin down and define. While there are some themes that keep cropping up in different definitions of happiness – contentment, security, positivity – no two definitions are exactly the same. Not only that, but the same person may define happiness differently in different stages of life. 

In this article, I’ll take a look at some definitions of happiness and why happiness is difficult to define. 

4 different definitions of happiness

Writing this article inevitably made me think about my own definition of happiness and how it has changed over time. After giving it some thought, I have a pretty good idea of what happiness is for me, but what about other people? 

In order to figure out other people’s ideas of happiness, I sent some of my friends a very simple question: “How do you define happiness?”.

The sample mostly consists of working professionals in their late twenties, but I got some interesting answers nevertheless. 

Most people I asked named contentment as an important part of their happiness. A fellow psychologist writes:

Happiness is being content with the different aspects of your life, and even if there’s something that needs changing, you shouldn’t be critical about it, but approach it in a kind and considerate way.

A certain kind of acceptance of both the good and the bad in life was also a common theme in the answers. One respondent wrote:

Happiness is being able to enjoy life and accept things the way they are

Another one added that it’s unrealistic to expect to be ecstatic and smile all the time. 

On the topic of expectations, one friend wrote:

You could say that happiness is when your expectations are in accordance with reality. And I have the power to make sure that they are.

Another common thread was having security or being secure in your position in life, with two respondents relating it to the ongoing COVID pandemic.

Right now, happiness for me means that my loved ones and I are in good health and still have our jobs.

The other one went on a bit of a rant too long to quote here. 

Among the more abstract answers were some quite simple ones, which illustrate a point made by one respondent: “You’ll find happiness where you seek it.”

One person named warm and sunny weather as a key to happiness, while several named a comfortable bed, and good food. Cats, dogs, other pets, and the incredibly specific “that feeling when you manage to revive a houseplant you thought was dead” were also named as definitions of happiness. 

Why happiness is so subjective

What my slightly shoddy survey demonstrates is that even though the people I talked to are of a similar age and come from similar social backgrounds, happiness means different things to everyone.

There are common themes in the answers, but despite this, no two answers were the same. 

And that’s what makes happiness so difficult to define on a larger scale: it’s entirely subjective.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

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Attempts at defining happiness

Despite this, attempts to define happiness within certain groups have been made. For example, a 2015 article found that self-esteem, academic success and financial security had the most influence on university students’ happiness.

For young adults with schizophrenia, the definition of happiness included material, relational and health happiness, as reported in a 2013 study. 

And according to a study published last year, children find happiness in self-fulfillment through activities and hobbies, and relationships.

Just like in my impromptu survey, there are some recurring themes in these definitions of happiness, but they are still unique to the specific demographic groups.

Subjective well-being as an alternative definition of happiness

Of course, psychologists and researchers are aware of the subjective nature of happiness. In fact, one of the most common measures of happiness is subjective well-being (SWB). 

SWB, first developed by psychologist Ed Diener in 1984, is a self-reported measure of two components: affective balance (the ratio of positive and negative emotions a person experiences) and life satisfaction in 15 different domains of life.

The model is quite simple: frequent positive affect, infrequent negative affect, and generally being satisfied with your life means that you’re a happier person. 

SWB allows researchers to study how different aspects of life influence happiness and to compare these results within different groups, while still accounting for the fact that no two people’s ideas of happiness and satisfaction are the same. 

The meaning of happiness changes over time

There’s another problem we run into while trying to define happiness: the meaning of happiness is constantly changing and shifting. 

As stated above, I know my definition of happiness pretty well, but I also know that it’s not the same as a year or five ago. And most likely, a few years from now, it will have changed again. 

The shifting nature of happiness was also reflected in some of the answers I got from my friends, a few of whom started their answers with the words “I used to think…”. 

A similar narrative of finding the “true meaning” of happiness is often used in books and movies, which also illustrates that our ideas of happiness are prone to change. 

Our definition of happiness can change in response to different life events and experiences, but there is also a systemic shift in the meaning of happiness over the course of our lifetime.

A 2010 article reports that while younger people are more likely to associate happiness with excitement, older people are more likely to associate happiness with peacefulness. 

The true meaning of happiness

Happiness may seem pretty easy to define at a single moment, but coming up with a general definition is much harder and the definitions we do manage to produce are always tied to the context of the situation we find ourselves in. 

But what does this mean for our own pursuit of happiness? If happiness is always changing and subjective, can you really find “true happiness”?

Well, yes and no. There is no one “true” definition of happiness, so by definition – pun intended – you cannot find “true happiness”, because it doesn’t exist.

However, because there is no generally accepted meaning of happiness, everyone’s individual definition is equally true. 

The last point carries an important connotation: your happiness is entirely up to you. You are free to define happiness in whatever way works for you. 

And, if you’re wondering about my definition of happiness – right now it’s a day without a single email, but if you ask me again in a week, it might be something else. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Happiness is difficult to define because it’s entirely subjective and dependent on the context. There are common themes, but asking 100 people for their definitions will give you 100 different answers. And not only will the definition differ between groups and people, but the meaning of happiness is also constantly changing in time.

This does not mean that your definition is insignificant – in fact, it means that you are always in charge of your happiness. 

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post What Is Happiness and Why Is Happiness So Difficult to Define? appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

It’s important to realize that we all have things in life that we can’t control, from the weather to the general state of the world. But it’s also important to realize that there are things that are under our control, the most important of which are our own mindset and behavior. It might feel easier to put the blame on someone else, but this kind of learned helplessness can also lead to low self-esteem and disorders like depression and general anxiety disorder.

In this article, I’ll take a look at what can lead you to become a victim of circumstance and how to change your mindset.

Are you in control of your circumstances?

There is always something happening to us. Sometimes it’s good stuff, like promotions and engagements. But sometimes workload gets crazy, relationships fall apart, the car breaks down, and a worldwide epidemic comes and turns everything upside down.

Before we continue, look at the life events I just mentioned and think about which ones are under your control and which ones aren’t.

I’d like to think that I get promoted because I’m great at my job, and that I got engaged because I’ve worked hard to create a strong and trusting relationship with my significant other.

As for the bad stuff: clearly, the rise in workload is caused by factors outside of my control (and not due to my poor time management), my relationship ended due to my partner’s high-maintenance attitudes (and not my refusal to see their side of the story), and the car broke down due to shoddy production (and not because I’ve been ignoring the check-engine-light on the dashboard for three months).

Mostly, we tend to attribute the good stuff to ourselves and the bad stuff to factors outside of our control.

This can be a form of protecting our self-esteem. Another attribution mistake people tend to make is the fundamental attribution error: we attribute others’ actions 100% to their character, but our own behavior to external factors.

Locus of control

One of the leading theories of how people control their behavior is the locus of control theory.

As psychologist Philip Zimbardo writes in this 1985 book Psychology and Life:

A locus of control orientation is a belief about whether the outcomes of our actions are contingent on what we do (internal control orientation) or on events outside our personal control (external control orientation).

Internal locus of control

Consider again the above example. Maybe you would attribute both the good and the bad stuff to yourself and take responsibility for everything.

Car broke down? Should’ve taken it to the shop earlier, but that’s okay, you’ll do it now and be more careful in the future. Got a promotion? You worked hard for it, so you know you deserve it.

This is an example of someone with an internal locus of control. People with an internal locus tend to take responsibility for their actions and have more confidence and self-efficacy, as they have an “I make things happen” mindset.

It has been found that people with an internal locus of control perform better academically and are more effective learners, and are more resistant to stress.

External locus of control

On the other end of the spectrum is the external locus of control. People with an external locus of control tend to think that everything is out of their control, including positive events. Got a promotion? It was just luck – and it’s not like they have anyone else to fill the position.

People with external locus tend to have a “things happen to me” mindset, which does not support self-esteem and can often make them feel helpless and prone to becoming a victim of circumstances.

Learned helplessness

Sometimes, having an external locus of control can lead to learned helplessness. When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they stop trying to find a solution altogether.

Learned helplessness was originally discovered through animal research. In a classic study from 1967 by Seligman and Maier, some dogs were subjected to inescapable electric shocks, while another group had a way of stopping the shocks. The next day, the dogs were placed in a shuttlebox where they all had a way to escape the shocks. Only one-third of the dogs in the inescapable shock condition learned to escape, compared to the 90% in the other group.

The authors coined the term learned helplessness to describe the dogs’ inability to look for a way to escape the shocks, even though there was one.

Since then, the notion of learned helplessness has been expanded to humans. We all feel a little hopeless or helpless sometimes, but neither of these feelings will help us in the long term.

According to Martin Seligman and Steven Maier, the authors of the original study with dogs, the symptoms of learned helplessness are very similar to depression:

• Sad mood.
• Loss of interest.
• Weight loss.
• Sleep problems.
• Psychomotor problems.
• Fatigue.
• Worthlessness.
• Indecisiveness or poor concentration.

In fact, learned helplessness can both cause and be caused by depression, and it’s clear that feelings of worthlessness and loss of interest don’t exactly ignite inspiration to take back control. If anything, they can make people give up the last vestiges of control.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

How to stop being a victim of circumstance

It’s clear that an internal locus of control is the way forward that can help you stop being the victim. Here’s how to move your locus of control from the outside to the inside and take back control.

1. Be honest about what you can control

Adopting an internal locus of control doesn’t mean that you have to take responsibility for everything, because this can lead to helplessness, too. Instead, I recommend taking stock of your life and dividing things into three categories:

• Things you can fully control, like your behavior and internal mindset.
• Things you can influence, but not control, like your relationships with other people (you can’t fully control someone else’s behavior, but you can influence it with your own).
• Things you have no control over and can’t influence, like the past.

You may find that you’re worrying over something that happened in the past and have forgotten to adjust your behavior in the present.

As a general rule, you should put most of your energy towards the things you have full control over and some towards the things you can influence, but stop wasting your resources on things that are completely out of your control.

2. Develop self-discipline

Self-discipline is not a magic cure-all, but it’s the closest thing you can get. Develop a routine and stick to it. Set goals and work towards them with small steps. Making steady progress will help to raise your self-efficacy and confidence, which in turn helps you change your mindset.

It’s best to start by making little changes in the basics. If your sleeping schedule is hectic, start by developing a sleep routine. If you’ve been mostly eating takeout and microwave meals, start by cooking for yourself most days of the week. If you’re not getting enough exercise, start by scheduling a 30-minute activity every day.

Not only will starting with the basics probably be the easiest, but proper sleep, nutrition, and activity level are essential for maintaining mental health.

For goals, it’s best to make them short-term at first and divide them down into further steps. Ideally, you should be able to take the first step toward your goal in the next 24 hours. For example, if your goal is to work out three times a week, start by going to the gym the very next day.

3. Be kind to yourself

Discipline is often associated with punishment and sometimes it is necessary to deprive yourself of something in order to reinforce a behavior. But most of the time, rewards and acknowledging your process is where it’s at.

The way we talk to ourselves is far more important than how others talk to us. Avoid beating yourself up for mistakes and don’t forget to approach yourself with kindness and compassion and reward yourself for your progress.

4. Forgive yourself and others

There are some things that can’t be forgiven, but often, holding grudges is what makes us feel like victims. When someone has hurt us, it’s natural to want revenge, but life is all about picking your battles.

Prolonged resentment keeps you constantly under stress, which makes you more vulnerable to other blows life might throw at you. In turn, this can make you feel even more like a victim. Forgiving someone can be the most powerful tool in order to move forward and take control of your life.

But sometimes it’s yourself who you have to forgive. Whatever past mistakes you’ve made, you can’t unmake them, but you can make sure that you won’t make them in the future. Accept yourself for who you are and move on.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

It’s important to know what we can and can’t control, but it’s surprisingly easy to fall into the trap of believing that we have no control over anything and seeing ourselves as a victim of circumstance. No matter how chaotic life gets, it’s essential to realize what you do control and to exercise that control. Taking matters into your own hands might be daunting, but it’s often the best thing you can do for yourself.

Was there anything I missed? Or do you want to share your own experience with being a victim of circumstance? I’d love to connect in the comments below!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 4 Tips to Stop Being a Victim Of Circumstance (with Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

The best way to show compassion is by being open and active, while also respecting boundaries and privacy. You can always offer to lend a helping hand or an attentive ear, but it’s up to others to take you up on your offer – don’t push it if they don’t. While compassion is often related to comforting someone who’s hurt, you don’t have to wait for something to happen to show compassion: little acts of kindness can be the most compassionate thing you can do. 

In this article I’ll take a look at what compassion is, can there be such a thing as too much compassion, and most importantly, 4 ways to show compassion. 

The different kinds of compassion

If you’ve ever comforted a grieving friend or a crying child, or tried to cheer up a stressed coworker, you’ve shown compassion. Simply feeling for the victims of a tragedy or the overworked frontline workers during the Covid pandemic is also a form of compassion. 

When we talk about compassion, we often call it empathy, and on the surface, these two concepts are quite similar. However, they do have their differences. Empathy makes us feel what others are feeling: grief with our grieving friend, shock with the victim of a tragedy. 

A 2014 article posits that in contrast to empathy, compassion is not about sharing the suffering of others, but is instead characterized by feelings of warmth, concern, and care for others, as well as a strong motivation to improve others’ wellbeing. 

In other words, compassion is feeling for and not feeling with others.

Not all compassion is created equal. Firstly, we are more likely to feel compassionate towards people who are similar to us. Secondly, there are different types of compassion. 

Paul Ekman, one of the leading researchers of emotions, differentiates between proximal and distal compassion. Proximal compassion is what we feel when we see someone in need and we help them. Distal compassion is about anticipating and trying to prevent harm before it occurs, for example, when we tell a loved one to wear a helmet or put on their seatbelt. 

Too much compassion can tire you out

One of the questions I get asked most often is, “Isn’t it difficult and depressing to listen to other people’s troubles all day?” 

The answer, of course, is that it is difficult and occasionally depressing. But this is my job and I know what I signed up for. Even so, I am not immune to compassion fatigue, which is common and well-researched among different helping professions, including therapists, nurses, first responders, teachers, and social workers. 

How to deal with compassion fatigue

Compassion fatigue occurs when our ability to feel compassion for others is diminished as a result of mental (and physical) exhaustion. 

While initially linked to only helping professions, compassion fatigue and similar concepts like secondary traumatic stress are increasingly widespread among other members of society. Stories of tragedy and suffering often dominate the news, which can lead to compassion fatigue. 

For example, I stopped reading the daily reports of the number of Covid cases early on during the pandemic, because I knew that seeing the ever-growing numbers would test the limits of my compassion.

Similarly, I don’t like or follow the pages of animal charities on social media, as teary posts of kittens in need of urgent care tug on my heartstrings a little too hard.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

How to show compassion

Being too compassionate can have its drawbacks, but generally, extending compassion to people around us helps to make the world a better place. 

If you’ve ever tried to comfort a crying person, you probably know that while feeling compassion is easy, showing it can be awkward. It can feel too personal in professional settings and useless in personal settings. 

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, here are 4 simple ways to show compassion that also serve as the general pillars to showing that you care. You can use them as a starting point and customize your compassion to different situations and contexts. 

1. Touch only if it’s welcome

When we talk about compassion, the first thing that comes to mind is the awkward “there-there” pat on the shoulder.

While physical touch is a wonderful tool for creating a connection and showing someone that they’re not alone, it’s important that the person feels comfortable with it. 

Always ask before making physical contact, no matter if it’s a hug or just a hand on the shoulder. If the person is fine with it, go ahead! Holding their hand, rubbing their back or shoulders gently, patting their head or a simple hug might be the only thing you need to do. 

However, if the person doesn’t want to be touched, try something else instead. 

2. Listen actively

Giving someone your full and undivided attention can sometimes be the most compassionate thing you can do. Active listening starts by removing distractions (if possible). Try to face the other person and keep your body language open. 

Don’t interrupt or try to offer advice (unless the person asks for it) and simply focus on listening without judgment.

Show that you’re listening by nodding, asking appropriate questions, and using verbal tags like “uh-uh” or “right”. 

Where appropriate, paraphrase and reflect on what you’re hearing to show that you’re picking up what the other person is putting down. 

3. Practice acts of kindness

You don’t have to wait for something to happen to show compassion. Offer to babysit for a friend or pick up a coffee for a coworker to bring more kindness and compassion into your life, or simply pay mindful compliments to the people in your life. 

I used to keep this set of positive affirmation cards at work and I would let my students and coworkers choose an affirmation after each counseling session or talk. Once, I happened to have the set with me at a dinner with friends and the affirmations turned out to be a hit with them as well.

Now, I carry some around with me in my planner, so that I always have some to hand out wherever I go. It turns out that a positive message can be all that you need to turn someone’s day around. 

4. Respect boundaries

Sometimes, people don’t want to accept your hug or your sincere offer to help. In such cases, the most compassionate thing you can do is to respect their decision and not push. The fact that you offered to lend an attentive ear or a helping hand is enough to show that you care, but it’s up to the other person to accept the offer. 

Unless you have a reason to believe that the person is a danger to themself or others, don’t try to send others to help them, either. If they’ve confided in you, keep their secret and don’t discuss their worries with others. They’ll come to you if and when they’re ready. 

Similarly, if someone asks you not to bring up a certain topic or not to use certain words, respect their wishes. My friends and I like to affectionately tease each other, but we all have specific names we don’t want to be called and we respect that. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

You don’t need to make grand gestures to show compassion. Simply listening actively and attentively, offering a hug, or paying a mindful compliment is enough to show that you care. Most importantly, you can show compassion by respecting boundaries – don’t take it personally if your sincere offer is rebuffed. Not pushing or forcing help on someone can be the simplest and most compassionate thing you can do. 

Now I want to hear from you. Do you find it difficult or awkward to show compassion to your loved ones? What’s a recent example of compassion that you experienced lately? Let me know in the comments!

Maili Tirel Author

School psychologist, teacher and internet counselor from Estonia. Passionate about coffee, reading, dancing, and singing in the shower, much to the neighbors’ dismay. Counseling catchphrase: “It’s okay!“

The post 4 Simple Ways to Show Compassion (With Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.