Pushovers are likely to suffer from stress and several mental health complaints. When we learn to advocate for ourselves, we demand respect. This respect helps us build our self-esteem and encourages us to interact assertively. Only when we climb out of the pushover barrel can we genuinely claim life as our own. 

This article will discuss what it means to be a pushover. We will also suggest 7 ways to stop being a pushover.

What makes someone a pushover?

A pushover is someone who is “easily persuaded or influenced or defeated.” 

In other words, a pushover is someone who is easily manipulated by others. And believe me, plenty of people out there will feast on the perceived weakness of a pushover.

There are many reasons we become a pushover.

Many pushovers are trying to keep the peace and avoid conflict. They may also believe others will like them more if they go along with things. But in truth, pushovers are often disrespected. 

Pushovers often suffer with:  

• Low self-esteem. 
• Learned helplessness. 
• Anxiety. 
• Depression. 
• Toxic or abusive relationships. 

If you are unsure if you are a pushover, here is a list of some tell-tale pushover signs: 

• You struggle to say “no.” 
• Others ask for favors from you regularly but rarely offer to help you. 
• You feel the need to prove yourself. 
• You apologize regularly and unnecessarily. 
• You avoid giving your honest opinion. 
• You often put yourself down. 

If you identify with some of these traits, you are likely already a pushover. But fear not; we can rectify that. Keep reading for tips on how to stop being a pushover. 

The negative consequences of being a pushover

There’s a bit of a chicken and egg thing going on. When we are a pushover, we are more susceptible to experiencing negative mental well-being.

But as discussed above, those of us with various mental vulnerabilities are more likely to be pushovers in the first place.

Being a pushover hurts our mental health, as it can lead to:

• Increased stress levels. 
• Depression. 
• Resentment. 
• Losing yourself. 
• Anxiety. 

All these ailments can affect our relationships and our ability to succeed in the workplace. 

Ironically people who are pushovers often want to please others and have an overpowering need for others to like them. Yet, the pushover often finds themselves forgotten, isolated, and lonely. 

An interesting scientific study describes how a neural network in the brain activates during disagreements with others. This activation can create a feeling of discomfort. The study, therefore, suggests that those who are pushovers have a greater sensitivity to this activation. 

Luckily neuroplasticity means the brain can change and adapt. This neuroplasticity means we can break the pushover cycle.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

7 ways to stop being a pushover  

Maybe you recognize you are already a pushover. Or perhaps you want to make sure you don’t become a pushover. If you follow these 7 tips, you will learn how to stop others from walking all over you. 

We must show ourselves respect if we expect others to do the same. After all, others observe how we treat ourselves and emulate our example. It’s time to stand up for yourself and demonstrate to others what sort of behavior you both accept and tolerate. 

1. Start saying “no”

One of the primary symptoms of being a pushover is the inability to say “no.” 

Pushovers find themselves agreeing to things they don’t want to do. They take on more work and regularly put themselves out for others. 

I was once a pushover, and I am in the process of rectifying this. My most challenging amendment is learning to say “no.”

When we say “no” to something we don’t want, it allows us to say “yes” to something we want. 

It’s time to try this out. Think of all the times you have gone along with something for fear of saying “no.” 

• You don’t have to go to the social event. 
• You don’t have to look after your friends’ children.
• You don’t have to stay at work late. 
• You don’t have to go to your parents for Christmas. 

It’s time to step out from the shadow of serving others. 

2. Learn to be assertive  

When we become more assertive in how we conduct ourselves and interact with others, we automatically demand more respect. 

Think of the person with a messy flatmate. A pushover may ignore the mess. The flatmate may even convince the pushover to clean it up. 

When we learn to be assertive, we can confidently look the flatmate in the eye and tell them their mess is not our problem. We can ask the messy flatmate to show us respect by keeping communal areas clean and tidy. 

A vital way to convey assertive behavior is through body language. 

• Stand tall, chest out and shoulders back. 
• Hold eye contact. 
• Move with purpose. 
• Use your hands to express yourself. 
• Relax your facial muscles

Another essential assertion tip is the way we use our voice. This article outlines the tricks actors use with their voices when stepping into an assertive character. 

• Higher pitched. 
• Loud.
• Clear. 
• Fast. 
• No hesitation. 
• No monotone. 

You got this. Stand up tall, and don’t forget the importance of eye contact. Speak loudly and clearly to give assertion to your words. 

If you need more tips, here’s our article on how to be more assertive.

3. Ask for what you want 

This tip is a difficult one. 

Not many of us are adept at asking for what we want. But when you ask for what you want and learn to put your needs first, you strip away the likelihood of being seen as a pushover. 

Build your self-confidence by asking for what you want. Grab hold of the steering wheel and control the direction of your journey.

Asking for what we want is a fundamental right. I would also suggest it is an essential need for our well-being. 

4. Express yourself  

Pushovers suppress their true feelings. They don’t speak up if someone wrongs them. They don’t defend themself when blamed for something. Pushovers allow others to continue hurting them when they don’t express their feelings. 

People are not telepathic. Unless we learn to express ourselves, we can’t expect them to know how we feel. 

It’s time to get comfortable with having difficult conversations. I recently expressed my hurt to a friend who only offered criticism regarding my creative work, never encouragement or positive comments. My expression of feelings led to an open and honest conversation and has brought us closer. 

5. Stop apologizing   

Pushovers apologize all the time. They apologize for other people’s behavior as well as their own. They apologize when there is no need for an apology. 

Do you apologize too much? Challenge yourself to be aware of how often you apologize in a day. Assess the circumstances in which you apologize. Does the situation merit an apology? 

Over-apologizing can even seep into our written word. 

If you are a pushover, I guarantee you have started an e-mail with “sorry to bother you….”

Here’s a tip: learn to say thank you instead of apologizing. This play with language is empowering and will also help stop you from being a pushover. 

• “Thank you for waiting for me” instead of “sorry I’m late.”
• “Thank you for taking the time to read this” instead of “sorry to bother you.” 
• “Thank you for the lift” instead of “sorry for sending you out of your way.”
• “Thank you for thinking of me, but I don’t have the capacity” instead of “sorry, I don’t have time.” 

I think you get the picture. In most situations, we apologize; we can say “thank you” instead.

6. Focus on assertive communication

Being assertive is key to not being a pushover, and it starts with how you communicate. Assertive communication is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly, honestly, and respectfully.

It’s not about being aggressive or passive, but about being clear and standing up for yourself while still respecting others.

Start by practicing ‘I’ statements, such as “I feel” or “I need,” to express yourself without blaming or criticizing others. For instance, if someone is overloading you with tasks, instead of a passive “I guess I can do more,” assert “I am currently at capacity and need to prioritize my assigned tasks.”

Also, work on your non-verbal communication. Maintain eye contact, stand tall, and use a firm but friendly tone. These cues reinforce the message you’re sending and help you appear more confident.

By practicing assertive communication, you’ll find it becomes easier to navigate situations without succumbing to being a pushover.

7. Practice self-compassion

Often, being a pushover stems from a lack of self-worth or an excess of self-criticism. To counteract this, engage in self-compassion.

Start by recognizing your common humanity, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and that you’re not alone in your struggles.

Next, be mindful of your inner dialogue. Replace self-criticism with a more compassionate, understanding tone. Instead of thinking, “I’m so weak for not standing up for myself,” try, “I’m learning to be stronger and assertive, and it’s okay to take this one step at a time.”

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a good friend in moments of failure or disappointment. This shift in mindset can reduce the emotional need to please others and increase your resilience in maintaining your stance.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up 

We may think we are making ourselves more likable by being a pushover. But in reality, we are permitting others to disrespect us. Stop allowing this behavior to negatively impact your happiness and start learning to not be a pushover! You hold the power to change.

Do you sometimes feel a pushover? What’s the tip that inspires you most to change your behavior? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 7 Ways to Stop Being a Pushover (And Why This Matters) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

If you feel like life keeps piling on you and you are trapped underneath, you need the skills to bounce back. Let’s not accumulate the weight of all the micro-traumas in our life. You don’t need to keep carrying the burden of significant life traumas. 

In this article, I’ll discuss what it means to bounce back with 7 tips that you can put into practice today.

What does it mean to bounce back?

Before we can understand how we can bounce back from anything, we need to know what this means. To bounce back means “to return to your natural state or activities after having a problem.” 

The ability to bounce back is synonymous with being resilient. 

We all have low points in our lives and endure negative experiences. The ability to bounce back means that we can return to our normal levels of enthusiasm, motivation, and functioning before a negative situation floors us. 

In essence, the skill of bouncing back is in our ability to recover, which helps us return to our normal state. 

How do we learn to bounce back? 

We start to develop our resilience in our childhood.

Interestingly, according to this article, several protective factors facilitate our ability to build resilience. These protective factors mean that not all children impacted by early adversity will experience ongoing hardship. 

The article describes resilience as being like a seesaw. Protective factors counterbalance adversity. 

A critical factor in childhood adversity is having at least one safe and consistent relationship with a parent or other adult. This factor is a significant commonality in children doing well when faced with adversity. 

The article stresses that resilience “requires supportive relationships and skills-building opportunities.”

This research on resilience and child development bleeds into our later years and sets the foundation for our adult lives.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What are examples of bouncing back? 

Life is full of twists and turns. We all experience daily obstacles as well as more significant traumatic events. Examples of this include: 

• Death of a loved one. 
• Illness. 
• Accidents. 
• Job loss. 
• Natural disasters. 
• Separation and divorce. 
• Physical or mental abuse. 

As outlined in this article, the ability to bounce back does not prevent adversity. But it equips us with the tools necessary to return to optimum health and well-being. 

We all know people who have bounced back from an operation and regained their health. The ability to recover from such a setback is indicative of our ability to bounce back.

My poor neighbor’s wife passed away a few years ago. While initially he withered and recoiled from life, he has now bounced back remarkably well with intervention from friends and family. He is dating a lovely lady and the smile is back on his face. 

When my brother was in the midst of his divorce he couldn’t see beyond his past.

He was in the depths of despair and rejection. Fast forward a few years, and his life is better than ever. 

We can’t rewind time. Instead, we must learn to live with the cards we are dealt. When we learn to build resilience, we adapt to our circumstances and use our tools to find acceptance instead of engaging in a futile battle of resistance.

When we bounce back from adversity, we invite peace and harmony back into our lives. 

7 ways to bounce back 

Neuroscientists recognize that our ability to bounce back from difficult situations varies. When faced with similar stressors, some people are adept at bouncing back. In contrast, others endure more suffering and are less able to deal with these circumstances. 

The good thing is we can train our brains to be more resilient! Here are 7 ways to help you bounce back from anything. 

1. Deal with the small things  

When we learn how to deal appropriately with the small things, we equip ourselves with the expertise to deal with more significant obstacles that may come our way. 

Minor incidents can wreak havoc on our day. Think about the following inconveniences: 

• Someone cuts in front of us while driving. 
• Losing our keys. 
• Running late. 
• Forgetting an important date. 
• Pet or child being sick and impacting our work. 
• Power cut. 
• Boiler breaks. 
• The car breaks down. 

Many things can turn our life topsy turvy in one day. But if we breathe deeply and accept the uncontrollable, we build our resilience. 

When life throws you a curveball, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to fix it or change it. If there isn’t, we must learn acceptance—no dwelling, giving time to anger, or being sidetracked by frustration. We alter our course and do our best to deal with the obstacle. 

Daily resilience arms us for all eventualities. If you want more tips on this topic, you may like our article about how not to let things bother you.

2. Meditate

When we train our muscles, we help build resilience in our brains. So exercising helps improve our ability to bounce back.

But equally, when we don’t work our muscles but focus on meditation instead, we can also build resilience.

A study specializing in monks shows that those who are regular meditators benefit from the physical changes meditation makes on the brain. Neuroscience has shown meditation changes how the brain looks and functions.

The more experienced the meditator, the less time is required for the brain to recover from a stressor. If you want a head start, here’s our article on why meditation is so important.

3. Avoid making comparisons 

They say comparison is the thief of joy. Anyone with a social media account will testify to this. 

Any sort of comparison is unhealthy. Comparing ourselves to different versions of ourselves is not conducive to recovery. I am a different person today from the person I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be slightly different again.

When we honor our uniqueness and the person we are in the present moment, we find acceptance and love for all that we embody. We recognize our restrictions and avoid being consumed with distracting feelings of frustration, jealousy, or dissatisfaction. 

Even if someone else’s situation seems comparable to ours, hundreds of other variables are at play. Avoid comparison at all costs; you are unique and bring a bespoke set of experiences and knowledge to your conundrum. 

4. Catch your thoughts  

Those who engage in mindfulness are better at catching their thoughts. 

Our thoughts can kick us when we are down instead of lifting us up and giving us the reassurance and comfort we may need. Our thoughts can blindside us with intrusive ideas which are unwelcome and certainly not conducive to bouncing back. 

Examples of unhelpful thoughts include: 

• “Things will never improve.”
• “You are stuck like this forever.”
• “How you feel today is a permanent state.”

We need to control these types of thoughts. While the first step is to catch these thoughts, we must deal with them appropriately.

If you want to work on this more, check out our article on how to control negative thinking.

5. Build your community

Who we surround ourselves with has an enormous impact on our life. The motivational speaker Jim Rohn once said we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with.

So make sure you choose your friends and broader tribe wisely. For those you allow into your inner circle, ensure they are compassionate and honest.

Consider joining special interest groups or sports groups, as this sense of community can alleviate loneliness and help you find a sense of purpose and belonging, which is vital to boosting your well-being. 

During difficult times, beware of those who mean well but come out with cliches that can sometimes do more harm than good. Toxic positivity can be subtle and leaves us feeling muddled and unseen.

The following comments may be a sign of toxic positivity:

• “Just decide to be happier!”
• “Everything happens for a reason.” 
• “Look for the silver lining.” 
• “Just think, it could be worse.” 

These comments are invalidating and can induce feelings of shame and guilt. If you want more details, here’s our article on how to deal with toxic positivity.

6. Embrace learning opportunities

Resilience is closely tied to our ability to learn from experiences, especially difficult ones. When facing a setback, ask yourself what lessons can be learned.

This mindset shift transforms challenges into opportunities for personal growth. For instance, if you’ve faced a professional failure, consider what skills or knowledge you can gain from the experience to avoid similar situations in the future or to handle them more effectively.

Encourage yourself to reflect on both the situation and your reactions to it. Identify any patterns in your thinking or behavior that may not be serving you well. By embracing a learning mindset, you’ll not only recover from current challenges but also build skills and insights that make you more resilient in the future.

7. Cultivate self-compassion

Self-compassion is a critical component of resilience. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a good friend in a tough situation.

Begin by recognizing and accepting your emotions without judgment. Allow yourself to feel sad, frustrated, or disappointed, understanding that these feelings are a normal part of the human experience.

Next, engage in positive self-talk. Instead of being critical or harsh, remind yourself that everyone faces setbacks and that they don’t define your worth or capabilities. Engage in activities that promote self-care and relaxation, such as taking a walk, reading a book, or practicing yoga. By fostering a compassionate relationship with yourself, you’ll find it easier to bounce back from life’s challenges.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Life is messy and chaotic, and it rarely goes to plan. Sometimes, this can leave us feeling buried under the enormity of it all. But when we learn resilience and equip ourselves with the tools to bounce back from adversity, we increase our opportunities for health and happiness.

What’s your story of resilience and bouncing back from adversity? Or what’s your favorite tip to build your resilience? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 7 Ways to Bounce Back From Anything (With Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Feeling defensive is linked to negative emotions like anger, frustration, and shame. No one enjoys these feelings, and unless we learn how to diminish our defensiveness, we will be in a steady state of negative emotion. 

This article will outline the impact of being overly defensive in our lives. I will also suggest 7 tips to stop being defensive and lead a happier life.

What does it mean to be defensive?

When we think of being defensive, we immediately think of trying to protect and justify ourselves. This behavior often comes from a place of insecurity.

We may feel attacked, which triggers a defensive counterattack. Feeling defensive is triggered by our perception of receiving criticism. It can lead to feelings of: 

• Shame. 
• Guilt. 
• Embarrassment. 
• Anger. 
• Sadness. 

Think of a sporting example. The role of the defense is to stop the other team from scoring. We can also consider the military model. Defensive military tactics are devised to protect something. 

So ultimately, we use defensiveness as a form of self-protection. But if we are always on the defensive, our guard is permanently up, and we can’t possibly embrace personal growth.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

The impact of being defensive 

When we act defensively, it presents itself as many different things: 

• Not listening to the other person. 
• Appointing some form of blame onto the other person. 
• Bringing up something from the past as an attack. 

It is not easy to hear criticism, no matter the situation.

But for the sake of healthy relationships both in our personal lives and our work, we must be able to have open and difficult conversations. And this includes taking feedback on board. 

If we immediately get on the defensive, we will eventually sabotage our relationships and isolate ourselves. 

This study found that defensiveness correlates with peer rejection in children. This social rejection due to defensiveness makes sense. Trying to communicate with someone who is constantly defensive can be exhausting. It can cause us to stop trying. 

Some of my previous colleagues used to challenge me on my vegan lifestyle. In the early days, I went on the counterattack. I would retort with comments that criticized their life choices. I appointed blame to them to try and evade feeling hurt and ostracised myself. 

In time I learned to reply with comments such as “I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to live as kind a life as possible.” or “We are all different and choose different lifestyles; let’s celebrate that instead of criticizing it.”

Replying neutrally felt empowering and uplifting. It also meant that my relationship with my colleagues did not suffer. 

7 ways to stop being defensive 

We increase our power when we learn how to stop reacting defensively to others. We also help to improve our relationships and open ourselves up to personal growth. We invite a more peaceful vibe into our lives and allow negativity to wash over us. 

So how do you get started? Here are 7 ways you can stop being defensive today. 

1. Respond instead of reacting 

There is a vast difference between responding and reacting. If you usually react to others, it’s time to learn how to respond. 

Defensive behaviors keep us stuck in reacting patterns. 

In contrast to reacting, responding is considered and deliberate. It encourages a 4 step process as part of a response: 

• Pause. 
• Process. 
• Plan. 
• Proceed. 

Reacting, on the other hand, is meeting one action with another. It is a panic response—an unthought-out reply. 

To help respond instead of reacting, we need to learn to slow down.

To do this, hear what is being said and take time to process it. If the situation lends itself to it, you may want to take yourself for a breath of fresh air for thinking time. Alternatively, you can gain a few moments by drinking water to gather your thoughts. 

2. Build your self-esteem  

It stands to reason that the greater our self-esteem, the more at ease we are with ourselves. And when we are more at ease with ourselves, we don’t take things personally and can let triggering comments wash over us. 

There are many ways to boost our self-esteem, this includes: 

• Learn a new skill. 
• Volunteer in your community. 
• Work on your fitness. 
• Invest time in relationships 
• Read. 
• Practice self-love. 
• Engage with meditation and yoga. 

When we feel comfortable with ourselves, we can recognize criticism as an opportunity for growth.

This growth may mean walking away from the perpetrator of critical comments. Alternatively, it may be in finding merit in the criticism shared and using it for our development. 

3. Be open to new ideas 

Someone close to me is a bundle of defensiveness. She doesn’t even realize this. She may ask for an opinion, but if you don’t say what she wants to hear, she immediately gets defensive and starts her sentence with “but….” 

She remains closed off to any changes or different ideas. It’s no coincidence that she is also pretty miserable in her life. She has a victim mentality and believes life has dealt her a rough hand. 

If only she were open to seeing things in a new light. 

By engaging with different ideas and trying alternative ways of doing something, we give ourselves the optimum opportunity to see different perspectives.

This openness allows us to invite positive change into our lives. 

4. Take time  

Everything is so much worse when we are exhausted and run down. 

The more zen-like we feel, the more likely we are to avoid defensive feelings and behaviors. 

The hustle culture of this era is crippling our mental health. The pressure to be everything to everyone has us run ragged. No wonder we react on the spur of the moment instead of taking the time to respond. 

A lot of us are surviving life, not living it. 

It’s time to switch things up. Learn to say no. Take on fewer commitments. If this means your children have one less activity per week, so be it. Schedule time for yourself!

At one point in my life, I worked long hours in a stressful job. I also had my own small business, training for ultra marathons, and having 2 high-maintenance dogs. My days started at 5 am and didn’t finish until midnight. I was living on my nerves.

No wonder I was a bundle of defensiveness. 

I didn’t have the time to engage in new ideas or deep conversations.  

I now have the time to smell the roses, and what a delight. There is a marked difference in my defensive levels, and I put this down to reducing my general life stress levels. 

5. Tame your anger  

The urge to feel defensive often comes from an overarching feeling of anger. How dare that person say X, Y, or Z! 

But when we exchange our anger for curiosity, we learn to see things differently. 

When people criticized me for my vegan lifestyle, sometimes It was indicative of the guilt they felt for eating animal products. So, instead of getting defensive or coming out with the comments I usually do, I can turn the questions back on them. “Are you interested in learning about veganism?” 

When my partner gets into a funk and says something cutting or passive-aggressive, I laugh, cuddle him and ask him if he is ok. 

When we tap into our anger, we build a fire. Yet, we soothe our defensive gremlins by enlisting our curiosity and asking open questions.

6. Practice empathetic listening

Empathetic listening is about genuinely trying to understand the speaker’s perspective without immediately preparing a defense. T

his approach involves active listening, where you focus completely on what the other person is saying, instead of planning your next argument. By putting yourself in their shoes, you can better understand their viewpoint and respond more thoughtfully. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it helps in reducing the instinct to react defensively.

To practice empathetic listening, start by giving the speaker your full attention. Avoid distractions, maintain eye contact, and acknowledge their points. You can use phrases like “I see what you mean” or “That’s an interesting point,” which shows you’re listening without necessarily agreeing.

This technique not only reduces defensiveness but also fosters a more open and respectful communication environment.

7. Develop a growth mindset

Adopting a growth mindset means viewing challenges, feedback, and even criticism as opportunities for learning and self-improvement. Instead of perceiving feedback as a personal attack, try to see it as a chance to grow.

This shift in perspective can significantly reduce feelings of defensiveness, as it aligns feedback with your personal development goals.

To cultivate a growth mindset, start by reframing your thoughts about feedback. For instance, if someone suggests an improvement in your work, instead of thinking, “They don’t think I’m good enough,” consider it as, “Here’s an opportunity to enhance my skills.”

Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes and not know everything – what matters is your willingness to learn and improve. Embrace challenges and see them as steps towards becoming a better version of yourself.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Being defensive can close us off to opportunities and personal growth. While we have focused on not being defensive, it is essential to remember not to act in a manner that may incite others to feel defensive. Communication is an art. 

Do you often encounter overly defensive people in your life? Do you have any tried and tested methods to help stop you from behaving defensively? Let me know in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 7 Tips to Stop Being Defensive (and Handle Feedback Better!) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Sure, stuff is nice, but even the sparkliest of diamonds can lose its shine. The trick is to create joy internally instead of relying on external factors to provide joy. Sounds simple, but it’s easier said than done. In fact, in this digital era of instant gratification, I’d suggest that we are becoming less and less able to create our own joy.

Join me in exploring what we mean by the little things in the context of joy. Once we have a solid understanding of this, we will discuss five tips for finding joy in the little things. 

What do we mean by the little things? 

There’s a song about how important the little things are. All the Small Things by Blink182 may not be lyrically genius, but it does touch on the tiny little gestures that bring joy to a relationship. 

I think of the little things as glimmers. Glimmers are the opposite of triggers. They are different for all of us. 

I’m not a showy person. Materialism gives me the heebie-jeebies. Just as well, really, as my husband doesn’t do grand gestures. There are no flowers or surprise dates. But what he does do is kiss me every morning. He listens to what I say. He is quick to apologize and slow to blame. He notices if I’m weary and steps up to relieve my burden. 

Each little thing my husband does adds a glimmer of love and positivity to my life. These glimmers make me feel loved and safe; no grand gesture could ever do that. 

How do we discern joy? 

Ah, joy. That wonderful feeling of weightless exuberance. Like we are floating in the wind. Sunrays in our stomachs and rainbows in our hearts. Is joy the most desired but often the most elusive of emotions? 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines joy as “the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.” 

I summarise joy as having the combination of the absence of negative emotions and having good health, purpose, and having our needs met. 

Remember, joy is not a constant state. Our emotions are in regular flux. But if we pay close attention to life, we will find the little speckles of joy interspersed in all the stress and mayhem. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

5 ways to find joy in the little things  

If you are feeling a little stuck and struggling to find any joy in your life, here are a few easy ways to help you uncover the joy in your life. I promise it is there, we just need to learn how to look for it. 

1. Seek perspective  

I’ve heard it said before that the happiest people in the world are those who have the least, certainly in terms of material wealth. 

Happiness is not found in the car we drive or the fancy gadgets we constantly upgrade. Yet the capitalist world will try to convince you otherwise. So don’t look for sustainable joy in luxury possessions. 

The truth is real joy is already within you. You just need to find a way to tap into it. A great way is to find perspective. 

Yesterday, I received a passive-aggressive text from a colleague. I started catastrophizing, and I was all set to let it ruin my day. Then I sat down, had an herbal tea, and breathed. 

That herbal tea was the catalyst for tapping into joy. A stark reminder of my privilege. I have my health and my freedom, and sadly, in this current climate, these riches aren’t guaranteed. 

When you find your mind spiraling, seek perspective. 

2. Be more dog  

As I type this, I am watching my dog snoozing in his bed. He’s a rescue and came to me with a few quirks. And yet, he does not dwell on his past. 

My dog doesn’t care how much money I have, who I associate with, or what my education level is. My dog simply wants to spend time with me. He wants cuddles and food and trips to the beach. 

Have you seen our article about how dogs make us happy? And the truth is, this extends to all pets. According to science, bonding with a pet releases oxytocin (the happiness hormone) in our brains. 

Dogs are truly in-the-moment animals. They don’t dwell on the past or dread the future. While experts suggest they see the world in limited colors, I’d say they figuratively see the world in more hues than we do. 

Take a cue from the great dogs of this world, learn to live in the moment, and take comfort in the simple necessities of life. 

3. Slow down   

I’m a recovering busy person. I look back on my previous life, and I can’t believe I fit as much into it as I did. But I wasn’t happy. I was so preoccupied with being productive that I didn’t notice the world around me. 

Remember that wonderfully poignant quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a look around once in a while, you could miss it!” 

It’s cliche to suggest we take time to smell the flowers. But I am going to embrace this cliche. Please, walk through the woods and smell the earth. Ground yourself by touching the bark of the trees and pay attention to how the trunks of the different types of trees feel. Watch a river flow and listen to the constant, reassuring noise of the water. 

Look at your environment with new eyes. Pay attention. When we start to do this, we notice things we may have never seen before. And slowly but surely we feel little bubbles of joy arise within us. 

4. It shouldn’t take a near miss  

They say people who have skirted with death have a greater appreciation for life. In fact, many people who have experienced near-death experiences describe them as transformational.  

My brother almost died in a car crash. It changed him. For a man who was once so career-driven, suddenly, his job was not the showpiece of his life. 

The world is riddled with war and social unrest. Natural disasters are happening more frequently, and COVID-19 touched every corner of the earth. 

When we understand the impermanence of life, we often lose patience for irrelevance. 

I had a terrifying ordeal at the top of a cold, wet Irish mountain. I’ve never enjoyed a hot shower, steaming mug of coffee, and dry clothes quite so much as I did immediately after that experience. 

If everything was taken away from you, what would you miss the most? That’s a great place to recognize your joy. 

5. Practice loving-kindness meditation 

You knew this one was going to feature. We can’t talk about finding joy in the little things and not mention meditation, specifically loving kindness. 

Think of negative thoughts as a thick layer of dust all over your house. Loving-kindness meditation effectively cleans up all the dust and adds sparkle and shine to the everyday. If we can’t see the little things, how can we find joy in them? 

Loving-kindness meditation helps clear the way for us to see and appreciate the little things. 

One of my writing friends is an expert on meditation and a qualified mindfulness coach. I follow her guidance for loving-kindness meditation. You can find her on substack if you are interested. 

With her encouragement, I focus on the following mantra. 

May I be well

May I be healthy

May I be happy 

I then use this mantra in relation to someone I’m close to, and then eventually, we can use this mantra on someone we harbor hostility toward. 

Spending 10 minutes a day on loving-kindness meditation helps me clear out my mind cobwebs. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up 

If we are so busy looking around to see what everyone else has, we will miss what’s right under our noses. Tap into your soul and carve out your own happiness by learning to find joy in the little things. 

Don’t forget our five tips. 

• Seek perspective. 
• Be more dog. 
• Slow down. 
• It shouldn’t take a near miss. 
• Practice loving-kindness meditation. 

Have you got any tips to help others find joy in the little things? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 5 Tips to Find Joy in the Little Things (With Examples)! appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Overindulgence of any sort is contrary to self-care. Too much alcohol, food, work, gambling, and exercise – to name but a few – compromise our self-care. But when we find a balance in life, we maximize our self-care and optimize our health and well-being. 

Let’s look at self-care, its benefits, and some cost-effective ways to practice self-care. 

What do we mean by self-care? 

It wasn’t until the 1970s that scientists started talking about self-care. At this time, it was recognized that people who actively care for themselves benefit from greater health. Being able to influence our health became a talking point, giving rise to academic and political interests. 

In a nutshell, self-care is the term given to represent the positive care we give ourselves through both long-term and short-term lifestyle choices. 

Many people automatically assume self-care is all about massages, purchases, and holidays. But the reality is that self-care is more basic than that. The most basic self-care is ensuring we get adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet, limit alcohol intake, and exercise regularly. 

Self-care is all about promoting wellness and minimizing anything that may have a detrimental effect on us. 

Why is self-care important

Effective self-care is essential for our health and well-being. It can keep us out of the hospital and stop our health deteriorating. In this study, which looks at the role of self-care in patients with heart failure, they found those patients who engaged with self-care were less likely to be rehospitalized. 

It will likely come as no surprise, but self-care is linked with an increase in our positive psychology, including: 

• Self-esteem.
• Mental health.
• Self-worth.
• Optimism.

The difficult thing is that often, those who would benefit the most from practicing self-care habits are those least likely to do so. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

5 ways to practice self-care on a budget

As we’ve confirmed, self-care doesn’t need to be all holidays, massages, and expensive weekends away. Quite the contrary, the most effective self-care practices are cheap or even free. 

Let’s look at some of the best cost-effective self-care practices available. 

1. Free self-care

In all honesty, I haven’t always taken very good care of myself. I drank too much alcohol, didn’t get enough sleep, and worked too many hours. Add to that my inability to say “no” to people, and it is no wonder I was fried. 

Now, I have a list of free self-care practices I engage in weekly, which helps me feel relaxed and stave off poor mental health. 

• Gentle nature walks with my dog. 
• Regular early bedtimes. 
• Limited alcohol consumption. 
• Limited caffeine intake.  
• Read a book instead of scrolling through social media. 

If you integrate these into your life, I promise you will start to feel a difference within a few weeks. 

2. Embrace loving-kindness meditation  

They say if you only have time for 10 minutes of meditation a day, then you need to do an hour. 

I am prone to overthinking, and my brain loves nothing more than taking me on joy rides. I know the merits of meditation, I suspect you do too, but I am awful at giving myself time for meditation. 

But, it’s all part of a healthy self-care practice. So, I now make a habit of finding a 10-minute guided loving-kindness meditation online and forcing myself to show myself kindness through self-care meditation. 

Try this one for yourself, and I promise it will quieten the mind. Can you make it a daily practice? 

3. Be choosey about who you give your energy to

We can do all the recommended self-care routines available, but if we continue to give our energy to unhealthy relationships we will feel forever drained. 

Relationships are challenging. I appreciate there may be people in your life who you can’t walk away from, but this is where boundaries come into play. 

Protect your energy. Spend less time with people who drain you. You know the ones, the people who are energy vampires and leave you feeling exhausted and shriveled after spending time with them. 

A positive side effect of this is that it frees up more time to dedicate to the relationships that nourish you and add to your self-care. 

4. Give yourself time to relax 

Too many of us associate relaxation with laziness. But our mind and body need time to switch off in order if we expect it to work at optimum at other times. 

Let me put it another way. If you don’t give yourself time to relax, you will burn out, get run down, and compromise your immune system. 

Relaxing means different things to each of us. For me, it’s all about reading a book, taking a gentle run, and doing some gentle yoga. Oh, and switching off from devices. What does relaxation look like to you? 

5. Your health is your wealth  

Instead of striving for certain aesthetics, strive for health. When we attain a healthy body, the mind follows. Similarly, when one achieves a healthy mind, the body follows. Ultimately, there is a profound link between the mind and the body. 

These days, we recognize that our health is so much more than just physical. Given our mind dictates everything we do, it stands to reason that our mental health is perhaps even more important than our physical health. 

Look after your mental health. This means speaking with therapists or seeing your doctor if you are concerned about your mental health. 

Think of your mind as the steering wheel of your body. Healthy mental functioning is imperative to a happy and fulfilling life and is the first port of call for self-care. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up 

Self-care doesn’t need to cost a small fortune. The best self-care practices are free. Keep our top five tips in mind, and look after yourself: 

• Free self-care.
• Embrace loving-kindness meditation.
• Be choosy about who you give your energy to.
• Give yourself time to relax.
• Your health is your wealth.

What self-care practices do you recommend? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 5 Cost-Effective Tips on How to Practice Self Care on a Budget appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

When we constantly expect too much from ourselves, we will eventually crash. Human beings aren’t meant to function at 100 percent all the time. We need downtime and space to grow. Our high expectations for ourselves are often developed in childhood and interlinked with our feelings of self-worth. 

This article will explore what it means to expect too much from ourselves and how we can stop this. 

What does it mean to expect too much from yourself? 

There are many symptoms of expecting too much from ourselves. Here are just a few of them:

• Being overly self-critical. 
• Perfectionist behavior.
• Taking on too much.
• Striving for constant achievement.
• Reacting badly to mistakes.

Those who have excessively high expectations of themselves set unrealistic and unattainable goals. We are often already achieving great things, but in our minds, we are not good enough, and we must do more and improve. 

It will come as no surprise that high expectations from parents when we are young can cause us to have high expectations from ourselves as adults. The American Psychological Association highlights a link between parental expectations and perfectionism in college students. 

The damage of expecting too much from yourself

Ultimately, having high expectations of ourselves damages our self-esteem and negatively impacts our well-being. 

It stands to reason that if we have high expectations, we will rarely be happy with ourselves. Instead, when others praise us for something, we will only see the flaws. 

My husband is prone to perfectionism. He makes spectacular furniture. Everyone who sees his work gasps in awe. But he doesn’t see what we see. He points out all the faults. 

My husband’s perfectionism grinds him to a stop. Interestingly, this article in the Harvard Business Review talks about perfectionism being the enemy of productivity. 

I don’t suffer from perfectionism, but I do place enormous pressure on myself to take on too much. I was brought up to believe productivity was indicative of my worth. I expect to be able to live the life of two people. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

5 ways to stop expecting too much from yourself

Wouldn’t it be nice to feel happy and content instead of always striving to do more or do better?

Here are our five tips to help you stop expecting too much from yourself. 

1. Set realistic goals  

We all know the acronym SMART when it comes to goals. If you haven’t heard it, it stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound.   

For those who expect too much from themselves, the area they benefit from working on the most is recognizing what is realistic. 

I used to fit far too much into my day than was healthy. I believed I could sleep when I was dead. I set unrealistic goals that I rarely achieved. And if I did achieve them, this achievement came at a cost – namely, my mental health. My relentless work ethic to achieve unrealistic goals placed even more pressure to maintain this level of productivity. 

Keep your goals realistic, and don’t feel you have to over-deliver on promises and be anything short of spectacular. You don’t always have to be the brightest star in the sky to sparkle. 

2. Give yourself time to rest  

This follows on nicely from tip number one. Without giving your mind and body time to reset and the space to rest and recover, you will run rugged and increase your risk of sickness or burnout.

In my previous life, I worked at least 70-hour weeks, along with many other commitments. I tackled this with gusto. I embraced such a busy life. But it wasn’t sustainable. 

While I may not achieve the same productivity as in previous years, I am healthier, happier, and more secure in my ability to last the distance. I’ve replaced the need to be perpetually busy with the recognition that I taking time to read a book, meditate or walk will benefit me more in the long run. 

3. Reflect on your past   

If you place enormous pressure on yourself, take the time to reflect and ask where this pressure is coming from. 

As a child, was your worth based on your achievements? 

Children who are raised to believe their worth is interlinked with achievement will be likely to have high expectations on themselves as adults. 

We all know a few people who use social media as a bragging tool for their children’s accomplishments. Yes, it’s great to celebrate their successes but when the only posts are about achievement, the message children are given is that they are only worthy when they win. 

Were you made to feel that you are only worthy when you achieve something? Can you untangle from this? 

4. Be aware of your expectations of others 

Carrying on nicely from the third tip, pay attention to your expectations of others. Often, those who have high expectations of themselves also have high expectations of others and can be quick to judge or point out failures. 

Go easy on other people. No one is superhuman; we all make mistakes, and sometimes things don’t go according to plan. When you offer this generosity and humanity to others, you are more likely to offer the same dispensation to yourself. 

You can still have high standards while lowering your expectations of others. Ironically, this reduction in pressure may help maintain high standards. 

5. Be gentle if things don’t go according to plan  

How do you handle failure or mistakes? We can be unforgiving and over-critical when we expect too much from ourselves. Can you learn to be gentle with yourself and accept that when things don’t go according to plan, it doesn’t make you any less of a person, nor does it reduce your worth? 

In our article “How to handle failure,” we talk about how failing does not make us a failure. The most successful people are also those who have failed the most. Every failure is a stepping stone to success. So remember, failures are little lessons to help us correct our course, learn to accept them with dignity, and know they don’t define you. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

We already live in a high-pressure world without adding to that pressure by having excessively high expectations of ourselves. 

Yes, having goals and ambitions is great, but you also have to live. 

Remember our top five tips for how to stop expecting too much from yourself. 

• Set realistic goals. 
• Give yourself time to rest. 
• Reflect on your past.
• Be aware of your expectations of others. 
• Be gentle if things don’t go according to plan.

How do you stop expecting too much from yourself? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 5 Ways to Stop Expecting Too Much From Yourself appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Learning to recognize the difference between healthy personal responsibility and unhealthy self-blame is crucial for your well-being. Not everything is your fault, but you are more susceptible to depressive emotions when you live like it is. 

This article will discuss blame and the impact of blaming yourself. We will also provide 9 actionable tips to help you stop blaming yourself. 

What is self-blame?

When we appoint blame, we point the finger as to who we think is responsible for a negative outcome.

We use our judgment to decide who is at fault and place the responsibility for any wrongdoing at their feet. 

When we blame others, we simultaneously release our frustration and protect ourselves.

But what happens when we blame ourselves? 

Self-blame is when we take more than our fair share of responsibility and blame ourselves for every mishap, regardless of whether it is our fault.

This study examines parents’ propensity to self-blame for their teenage children’s mental health diagnoses. The researchers found that self-blame is correlated with lower psychological well-being.

How is self-blame harmful?  

We hold ourselves down when we blame ourselves for situations or circumstances that are beyond our control. As a result, we keep ourselves stuck in a negative cycle. 

We know that blameful behavior is particularly unhealthy in a relationship. And while it is never pleasant to be the recipient of someone’s blame, being the perpetrator of blame may cause even more suffering. 

This study found that self-blaming emotions are strongly associated with depressive mood disorders. Self-blaming is often found alongside feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. Therefore as part of effective treatment for depression, it is beneficial to learn how to stop blaming ourselves. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

9 ways to stop blaming yourself 

Not everything is your fault. It can’t possibly be. But when you continually blame yourself, you weigh yourself down with negative energy. This negativity makes it almost impossible to lead a fulfilling and happy life. 

If you recognize this self-blaming trait in yourself, now is a great time to address it. Here are 9 ways to help you stop blaming yourself. 

1. Take responsibility instead of blaming yourself 

Learn to differentiate between owning responsibility for your actions and blaming yourself for an outcome. 

Personal accountability is healthy. It allows us to function optimally in our relationships and take responsibility for our flaws.

Sometimes we mix with people who don’t have such well-developed blame skills. Toxic relationships where others wrongfully blame us may cause us to adopt this habit ourselves. 

For a long time, I blamed myself for an almost estranged relationship with my sister. This self-blame meant I felt responsible for fixing things. Yet, all attempts have been met with hostility. 

I now recognize it takes 2 to tango. I have stopped blaming myself, and while I take full responsibility for my part, our relationship will remain damaged until my sister stops blaming me and takes responsibility for her part. 

2. Learn self-compassion 

Self-compassion is a crucial step to stop blaming yourself. If you want to change how you attribute blame, you must learn to be kinder to yourself.

This act of self-kindness can be a challenging learning process if you are not used to it. 

Here are a few ideas to help with this journey. 

• Start writing a journal and highlight something positive about yourself each day. 
• Write a letter to yourself as if you were a friend. 
• Give yourself permission to relax and enjoy a section of time each day, as discussed in our article on self-soothing. 
• Write as many positive things about yourself as possible within 1 minute. 
• Speak to yourself as if you were your own best friend. 

Go easy on yourself. Remember, if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. 

If you need more help in this regard, here’s an article about how to stop being negative about yourself.

3. Reframe your thoughts 

When we blame ourselves, our thoughts may sound something like this: 

• He wouldn’t have left me if I had been a better partner. 
• It’s all my fault that I’ve been made redundant.

Reframing your thoughts changes them slightly, so they have a different feel. 

• Perhaps there are things I could have done better as a partner, but there are also things he could have done as a husband. Ultimately, we led an unhappy relationship, and perhaps this separation is for the best, while I appreciate it will be a tough time.
• My company needs to adapt to the financial crisis. I was the last one in; it makes sense that I was made redundant. I could not have prevented this. 

Can you see the difference in the sound of our thoughts for these 2 circumstances? Next time you recognize yourself jumping to self-blaming thoughts, see if you can reframe them. 

If you want to learn how, here’s an interesting article that will help you learn to reframe your negative thoughts.

4. Seek another perspective  

Being stuck in our heads can be a lonely place. 

They say a problem shared is a problem halved, which is true. Sometimes when we open up and share our thoughts with people, we trust they can help us see a different perspective. 

One of my closest friends recently highlighted that I take too much responsibility for my poor relationship with my sister. I didn’t realize how much I blamed myself, but she highlighted this to me. Without her help, I wouldn’t have seen my destructive thought patterns. 

When we open up to people we trust, they can help us learn to stop blaming ourselves inappropriately. 

5. Invite calmness in your mind 

This self-blame tendency is all part of an overactive brain. The blaming part of our brain wins when we listen to it and don’t do anything to quiet it. 

It is a skill to know how to calm our brain and quieten our thoughts. Here are a few ways to start building a calm habit. 

• Start a weekly yoga habit. 
• Learn to meditate. 
• Spend time in nature. 
• Take time to sit peacefully and lose yourself in a book. 
• Engross yourself in a film.

If you need more tips on how to do this, here are some tips to help you quiet your mind and keep your cool.

6. Dive into the present with mindfulness

Being present and fully immersed in the moment can be a powerful antidote to self-blame. Mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts without judgment, helping you recognize and address self-blaming tendencies as they emerge.

Begin by setting aside a few minutes each day for mindfulness exercises. This could be as simple as focusing on your breathing, taking note of each inhale and exhale. When self-blaming thoughts arise, acknowledge them without judgment and gently bring your focus back to your breath.

Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines as well. Whether you’re sipping your morning coffee, taking a stroll, or simply waiting in line, make an effort to be fully present. This consistent practice not only combats negative self-talk but also enriches everyday experiences, fostering a deeper connection with the world around you.

7. Define and uphold your personal boundaries

Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is pivotal in nurturing a healthy self-image and warding off undue self-blame. By setting boundaries, you delineate what behaviors and responsibilities are acceptable, ensuring you don’t shoulder blame that isn’t yours to bear.

Start by pinpointing areas in your life where you might be overburdening yourself. Clearly communicate these boundaries to those around you, ensuring they understand and respect them.

It’s essential to remember that boundaries aren’t about shutting people out but rather about self-preservation. They ensure you’re not overwhelmed or unfairly blamed. Periodically review these boundaries, adjusting them as your life and circumstances evolve, ensuring they always serve your well-being.

If you need more tips to set healthy boundaries, we’ve got you covered.

8. Harness the transformative power of affirmations

Positive affirmations can be instrumental in reshaping our internal dialogue, steering it away from self-blame. By consciously choosing uplifting and empowering statements, you can challenge and eventually change negative self-perceptions.

Identify the self-deprecating thoughts that frequently cloud your mind and craft a positive affirmation to counter each one. If you often think, “I’m always in the way,” counter it with, “I add value and meaning to my surroundings.”

To embed these affirmations into your psyche, dedicate a few moments each day to vocalize them. Write them in a journal, or place them on post-it notes in visible areas around your living or workspace. Over time, these affirmations will become second nature, actively combatting and reducing self-blaming tendencies.

9. Gain perspective from those you trust

Our internal critic can sometimes be our harshest judge, leading us down the path of unwarranted self-blame. By seeking insights from those you trust, you can gain a more balanced perspective on situations.

When self-blame becomes overwhelming, confide in a trusted friend or family member, asking for their viewpoint. Their external perspective can often shed light on aspects you might have overlooked.

It’s essential to understand that seeking external validation isn’t about doubting your judgment but about broadening your viewpoint. This practice not only offers a fresh perspective but also deepens your bonds with others, creating a supportive environment where mutual understanding thrives.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up 

While personal responsibility is admirable, high levels of self-blame are damaging. A healthy and fulfilling life is one with balanced self-responsibility and self-blame.

Have you found a way to balance taking responsibility for your actions and being kind to yourself? I would love to hear if you have any tricks up your sleeve to stop blaming yourself. Let us all know in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 9 Tips to Stop Blaming Yourself (and Practice Self-Compassion) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

I have stronger bonds now than I’ve ever had. Friendship is important, and I value my close bonds with incredible people. These bonds haven’t fallen into my lap. I’ve worked hard at cultivating them. 

In this article, I will combine my own experience with science to outline what it means to bond with others and how you can create strong bonds with someone. 

What does it mean to bond with someone? 

A strong adhesive or glue creates a bond between two items, sticking them firmly together. 

The Collins dictionary suggests a bond between people is: 

“…a strong feeling of friendship, love, or shared beliefs and experiences that unites them.”

Think of some of your strongest connections. What did you bond over? We often bond over common areas, including shared political opinions, hobbies, interests, and life experiences. 

When we bond with someone, we feel drawn to them. There’s a safety that comes with this bond. We are more likely to feel comfortable being authentic and sharing personal information. We also benefit from a boost in self-esteem, knowing that someone has our back and values us. 

The benefits of strong interpersonal bonds

Social Psychology notes from BC Campus suggest that “Forming and maintaining satisfying relationships makes us feel good about ourselves.” 

We’ve all heard the cliche of feeling lonely in a crowd. That’s a great example of being surrounded by people but not being bonded to anyone. 

When we build bonds with other people, we alleviate loneliness and feelings of isolation. While our bonds with others are not tangible things, we benefit enormously from knowing they are there. 

I have built myself a safety net of interconnected relationships. My strong bonds with friends have helped me feel worthy and boosted my self-confidence. I am significantly happier today than in the days of loose and fickle relationships. And I do not doubt that my enhanced happiness is down to the quality of my social bonds. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

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5 ways to build a strong bond with someone

We know the importance of social connections to enhance our well-being and self-esteem, but how do we build strong bonds to benefit from them? 

Here are our top five tips for how to build a strong bond with someone. 

1. Spend time together 

They say it takes 140 hours for a good friendship to develop. So, to get to this point, we need to spend time together. Ideally, this would be in person, but in this day and age, this isn’t always possible. Video and voice calls and other online interactions count. I feel bonded to some people whom I have never met in person. 

Interestingly, when we stop spending time together, our bonds can dissipate. Of all the friendships I have lost, one key commonality stands out. We didn’t spend much or any time together. Personally, I don’t think meeting up once a year and talking about our past is enough to build cohesion. But it depends on the relationship. 

I have one friend who I cherish deeply. We can go years without seeing each other due to geographical limitations. But when we meet up, we aren’t restricted by conversation of the past. We build new memories by sharing new adventures and sharing our thoughts and ideas with each other. It’s nourishing. 

2. Be romantic 

I consider myself a romantic friend, which is important in building bonds. 

It’s not just about remembering birthdays and sending a note at Christmas. It’s about remembering dates that are important to someone, maybe seeing something that reminds you of them and sending it to them, just because.

We can be romantic in a platonic way. All it comes down to is being attentive and thoughtful. 

It feels incredible to be on the receiving end of a romantic friend. We feel special and listened to. There’s something profoundly uplifting in receiving small gestures from someone. 

Here are some ways you can be a romantic friend and deepen your bond with someone. 

• Remember special dates, from job interviews to anniversaries, and message them. 
• Send them a card with a few words of how much you value them. 
• Take the lead and arrange a meal or day out for the two of you. 
• Don’t be shy in telling them how awesome they are. 

3. Listen 

Many of us hear, but how many of us listen? 

In this episode of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast hosted by Glennan Doyle, five tips are suggested to improve conversation skills. These are: 

• Stop interrupting.
• Be aware of talk time.
• Keep confidences.
• Know when to make it about you.
• Ask better questions.

The strand of commonality connecting all five areas is our ability to listen. 

Interrupting conversations leaves others feeling unheard and undervalued. Similarly, hogging the conversation suggests we are more important and is offputting to others. 

The point that stands out the most here is the skill of knowing when to make a conversation about you. 

I recently chatted with an acquaintance; we shared stories of difficulties we’d experienced in close friendships. I told her that things with my ex-best friend were barbed and peculiar for six years before our untangling. The person I was speaking with didn’t comment on that. She simply replied, “Well, for me, it was 12 years,” that was it; I was shut up. 

You see, one-upmanship stifles conversation. That whole “Oh, you think that’s bad…”

I didn’t feel bonded to this acquaintance. I didn’t feel seen or heard. I felt she was trying to push herself onto me and engage in some sort of weird competition as to who had it worse. 

My current motto is that compassion is never found in comparison. 

To build a strong bond with someone, listen to them, validate their words, and ask follow-up questions. Don’t immediately turn the conversation to yourself. 

4. Prioritise honesty 

Honesty can be difficult. But if you aren’t honest, you can’t build strong bonds; it’s as simple as that. 

I have a friend of 28 years. While I love her dearly, I feel she holds me at arm’s length, I rarely get much honesty from her. 

What do I mean when I talk about honesty? This friend of 28 years is notorious for being flakey and canceling on me. She comes out with all sorts of excuses; if I’m honest, I’ve checked out. 

Another friend has canceled on me for a similar amount of time, but she is honest and gives me reasons, not excuses. She tells me where her head is and how she can’t face going out into the world. She shares her difficulties. 

Being honest with each other leads to stronger bonds and a deeper understanding. 

5. Embrace vulnerability 

Vulnerability is similar to the importance of honesty, as outlined above. But it goes one step further. 

When we are vulnerable with another person and open up about our fears, doubts, worries, and insecurities, we show our human side, and this very act of vulnerability creates a safe space that encourages the other person to be vulnerable. 

A mutual trade-off of vulnerabilities ensues. And this is bonding. 

Brene Brown is a leading expert on vulnerability. In this piece on vulnerability, Brene Brown is quoted as saying, “Vulnerability is key to connection because it is the courage to be open to another human.”

Many of us avoid vulnerability for self-preservation purposes. But the truth is, denying ourselves vulnerability is more an act of self-sabotage than self-preservation. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Wrapping up 

Bonding with others is an essential part of being human. We are all different, and some may need more bonds than others. But ultimately, we all need some form of bond. 

Don’t forget our top five tips for how you can build strong bonds with someone. 

• Spend time together
• Be romantic
• Listen 
• Prioritise honesty
• Embrace vulnerability 

Is there anything you do to increase your bond with others? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 5 Tips to Build a Strong Bond With Someone (With Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

The 80s celebrated the heroin chic look. Supermodels were unhealthily skinny. The message this put out into society was dangerous and damaging. Luckily, we now live in an era of greater acceptance of all body types. But it is still difficult to move away from the beauty standards depicted in the media. It’s time to show your body gratitude for everything it is, instead of punishing it for everything you perceive it isn’t. 

This article is for everyone who has ever wished they could change something about their body. Read on to learn 7 easy ways to become more body positive. 

What is body image? 

It is estimated that 8 million Americans suffer from some type of eating disorder, many of whom never receive an official diagnosis.

Our relationship with our bodies is complex. 

Our body is the vessel in which we move around. It is the visual image people see. We can not help but be represented by our body image. And unfortunately, we can not influence how others react to our bodies. 

Our body image is based on how we feel about our own reflection and also how we believe other people see us. 

According to this article, someone with a positive body image is comfortable with how they look and how they feel. They may not be perfect, but they accept who they are. Perhaps most importantly, they recognize who they are on the inside is more important than who they are on the outside. 

On the flip side, the same article describes someone with a negative body image as having a deep unhappiness within themselves. This is someone who doesn’t like their body or a particular aspect of it. Maybe they want to:

• Lose weight.
• Gain muscle.
• Change their boob size.
• Change their hair.
• Have whiter teeth.

The possible changes we may want to make to our bodies can seem endless. And for what? For society? Do you think these changes will guarantee happiness? Sometimes all we need is to seek acceptance within ourselves, which will lead to happiness. 

When we suffer from a negative body image, it can become consuming and distracting.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

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Why it’s important to accept your body 

We come in all shapes and sizes, colors, and creeds. Variety is the spice of life.

But what happens when we are born into a body that we don’t like? 

Puberty years can be the toughest. Not only are our hormones adding confusion to our minds. But our body changes and develops in ways that can make us feel self-conscious. We are suddenly hyper-vigilant about what we look like and also notice what our peers look like. 

My mum was an overweight child and received negative comments about this from friends and family. She lost a lot of weight in her 20s. She is now a lean elderly lady. But she still thinks of herself as fat. The comments she received as a child were so pervasive that they have stayed with her throughout her life. 

We have a choice. We can get caught up in unhappiness and disdain for the way we look. Or we can embrace who we are and ignore the external comments. When we learn to accept who we are, we realize who and what is important in our lives. Perhaps most importantly we embrace life and start to really enjoy living!

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Oscar Wilde

Let’s practice what we preach. It’s time to remove all judgment of the physical appearance of others from our dialogue. 

7 ways to be more body positive

It’s time to change your relationship with your body.

For years I was criticized for being too skinny and having small boobs. I was never enough for others. But I have learned to be enough for myself. I have learned to love my body. I may not be altogether content with my figure but I am learning to love it.

Moreover, I am grateful to my body for carrying me around the world on many adventures. My body is my partner in crime. 

Here are 7 tips to be more body positive. Please note, if your body negativity is pervasive and impacts your daily life, you may benefit from seeing a therapist or visiting your doctor.

Remember, you deserve to be happy and love your body!

1. Focus on what your body can do 

I’m a huge advocate for appreciating what your body can do. How often do you take our body for granted?

It is only in the last few years that I have stopped punishing my body for not looking exactly how I want it to look. My thighs may be bigger than I’d like, but they carry me with ease in ultra marathons. My boobs may be smaller than society would like, but they don’t get in the way of my active lifestyle. 

What does your body let you do? 

When we stop focusing on what our body looks like and recognize everything it does for us, we gain a newfound respect. 

2. Get body perspective

You know that old cliche, you never know what you have until it’s gone? Its truth is profound. Following a mountain biking accident, my friend is now paralyzed and wheelchair-bound. Do you think she cares about excess fat or having wonky toes now? No, she laments for all that her body used to be able to do, not for what it looked like. 

Does your body make you a good person? If you lost weight or gained muscle, would you be a kinder person? Would you be a better person? I think we all know the answers to these questions. 

If you want to bring about change, change from the inside. 

3. Stop comparing yourself to others 

I’ve always wanted perfect abs. You know, the washboard stomach with defined muscles. But alas, no 6 pack for me. My friend on the other hand, oh she has phenomenal abs. I used to feel like a failure in her presence. I used to feel inadequate.

The funny thing is, my friend is envious of my hair and my legs. Are any of us ever 100 percent happy with how we look? 

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Baz Luhrmann

Comparison is the thief of joy. Most of the time we compare ourselves with social media images of people who have likely:

• Set up the perfect photo shoot.
• Had plastic surgery.
• Filtered the image to the max. 
• Have professional help with their diet. 
• Have a personal trainer. 

It’s time to unfollow! Unfollow the social media accounts that induce envy. Unfollow the accounts that are too perfect to be realistic. Then get following the accounts that make you feel good about yourself. 

Want more tips on how to positively use social media? We got you covered with this article.

4. Aim for healthy  

Okay, this one is super important.

Do not deprive yourself, but do not gorge yourself. Enjoy your food. But do not allow your food to be an emotional crutch. This is an extremely difficult one. Do you turn to chocolate when you are stressed? Or do you lose your appetite entirely?

Be aware of your eating habits. Healthline describes emotional eating as using food to seek comfort. This can then become a vicious cycle. We may feel unhappy with our weight but use food to comfort our negative emotions. 

If you find yourself reaching for food as a comfort, try and distract yourself. 

• Phone a friend.
• Go for a walk. 
• Have a drink of water. 
• Listen to music. 
• Change your environment. 

It’s your body and your choice. You have the power to decide what you put into your body and what you pass up. But this can take a huge amount of practice and willpower. 

5. Embrace yourself  

Focus on you and all the wonderful attributes you have. In fact, take a minute to write a list of all the things you like about your body. Ready, steady, go!

Did you do it? My list reads as follows: 

• I like my smile.
• I like my long legs. 
• I like my butt. 
• I like my long, lean arms. 
• I like my cheekbones. 
• I like my shoulders. 
• I like the grove of my back. 
• I like my decolletage.
• I like my long fingers. 

When we show our body love and recognize all the positive things about our reflection we can learn acceptance. This study found that self-compassion is a critical step toward positive body image. 

I have naturally curly hair. I was bullied in school for having “frizzy” hair. These cruel comments led me to embrace straighteners as soon as they came on the market. For years I tied my hair up or made it poker straight. After all, straight hair is beautiful, right?

In the last year, I have embraced my waves and curls. I no longer try to be someone I’m not. I am a girl with waves and curls and I am beautiful! 

So, show up as you are. Learn to treat your body with love and respect. Here are some ways you can do this. 

• Take a bubble bath. 
• Treat yourself to a massage.
• Practice yoga. 
• Put on a lovely skin cream. 
• Lie on a Shakti mat. 

And above all, be grateful to your body for everything it allows you to do.

6. Celebrate small wins

In our journey towards body positivity, it’s easy to become fixated on the “ideal” or end goal.

However, it’s the small, daily victories that truly make a difference. Whether you chose a nourishing meal, wore an outfit that made you feel fabulous, or simply looked in the mirror and smiled at your reflection, these moments matter.

Celebrating these wins not only boosts your confidence but also reinforces positive behaviors.

Keep a “Body Positivity Journal.” At the end of each day, jot down at least one small win related to your body. Over time, you’ll have a collection of positive moments to reflect upon, especially on tougher days.

7. Practice mindfulness and meditation

Mindfulness and meditation aren’t just buzzwords; they’re powerful tools that can help you foster a deeper connection with your body.

By practicing mindfulness, you become present in the moment, allowing you to recognize and challenge any negative beliefs or thoughts about your body without judgment. This heightened awareness can be a game-changer in shifting your perspective from criticism to appreciation.

Dedicate 10 minutes each day to a simple mindfulness exercise. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. If your mind wanders to thoughts about your body, acknowledge them without judgment and gently bring your focus back to your breath.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

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Wrapping up 

When we shift our focus away from our body’s flaws and recognize what our body is capable of, we feel empowered. A little self-compassion goes a long way in increasing our body positivity. Remember, no more comparing yourself with others. Learn to show up as you are and be grateful for all that you are. It’s time to love your body exactly as it is.

Do you struggle with body positivity? Do you have another tip that you want to share that has helped you think more positively about your body? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 7 Tips to be More Body Positive (and Why It’s so Important) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

But you’ve probably also realized the pitfalls of this habit. You have no control over other people, and therefore you may not always receive the approval you want. This can lead to strong feelings of stress, frustration, or anguish. Needing external validation can also strain relationships and lower your self-esteem. And perhaps most importantly, it makes it harder to grow as a person and to be authentic to who you are.

The good news is that there’s an antidote to needing external approval: self-validation. In this article, I’ll break down both approval and self-validation so you can become more emotionally independent. Read on to liberate yourself from the cycle of external validation and take the reins of your own self-worth.

What does approval mean? 

The Cambridge Dictionary defines approval as “good opinion.” Approval is associated with acceptance, agreement, encouragement, and support. Approval is a positive reaction to something or someone. 

Some of us are preoccupied with the approval of others. I remember introducing my friends to a new boyfriend, desperately seeking their approval for the choices I’d made in my love life. And feeling deeply wounded that they didn’t view him in the same rosy way I did. 

Only recently have I come to understand how approval has affected my life. I sought approval to help me feel real. The criticism and disinterest I usually received from my father made me feel unsafe and unloved, so I had to work extra hard to appease him. My efforts didn’t always work. 

While our relationship with approval and our need for it stems back to our childhood, we can learn to change the rhetoric.

Why do we need approval?

If you want to change the way your mind works, you have to understand the directions coming from behind the curtain. Let’s have a look at two big reasons why you might feel the need to look for approval.

1. You have an anxious attachment style

You may have already heard the term “attachment style”. It describes how children develop relationships with their parents, and later in life, their romantic partner as well. Psychologists define four attachment styles:

• Anxious attachment style.
• Avoidant attachment style.
• Secure attachment style.
• Disorganized attachment style.

Studies have found that the anxious attachment style in particular makes people look to others for approval.

Why? Well, this attachment style means a person is highly dependent on others and seeks excessive closeness. At the same time, they worry if their partner really loves them. They likely grew up with caregivers who gave them a mix of conditional acceptance and rejection. This made them adopt a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others.

Therefore, they tend to have deep-seated doubts about their lovability and worth. So, they look to others for confirmation that they are indeed lovable and worthy. Their self-esteem fluctuates dramatically in response to perceived approval or rejection.

2. You have low self-esteem

Another big reason studies have found for a need for external validation is low self-esteem.

This means you have a rather negative view of yourself. This is probably due to early experiences of failures that made you conclude that you can’t meet other people’s standards for acceptance. Because low self-esteem people don’t feel included by others, they are hyper-alert to noticing whether others seem to accept them or not.

And in order to compensate for their perceived deficiencies, they look for validation. They tend to base their self-worth on the reactions and feedback they receive.

The complexities of seeking approval  

According to Jay Reid, the author of “Growing Up As The Scapegoat To Narcissistic Parents”, many people raised as the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent struggle to feel that they are real.

They seek approval to feel valid and claim their place in this world. I would elaborate on this and suggest it’s not only those who grow up in narcissistic households that learn this approval-seeking behavior; it’s anyone who grows up in an unhealthy household. 

Children instinctively know that even a poor relationship with a caregiver is better and safer than no relationship. So they try to appease the problematic caregiver and seek their approval to guarantee their safety. 

In this study, children who experienced negative approval endured heightened emotional distress, whereas children who experienced positive approval elicited more socially competent behavior. 

Approval and encouragement from primary caregivers are essential to raising children as confident and well-adjusted adults. 

This article in PsychCentral summarises the point well when they say:

 “When a child is repeatedly given approval, they build up their sense of value. They eventually become confident in their internal sense of validation: they don’t need outside approval because they can often validate and approve themselves.”

The article suggests that children raised in unhealthy homes may struggle with poor self-esteem, affecting their ability to validate themselves. So they turn to people-pleasing behaviors to adulthood in a desperate bid to seek approval. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is self-validation?

If you want to stop needing approval from others, you still need to get those feelings of satisfaction and validation from somewhere else. A much better and more stable source for this is yourself. This is what we call self-validation.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker Sharon Martin breaks down what self-validation means:

• Encouraging yourself.
• Acknowledging your strengths, successes, progress, and effort.
• Noticing and accepting your feelings.
• Prioritizing your needs.
• Treating yourself with kindness.
• Saying nice things to yourself.
• Accepting your limitations, flaws, and mistakes.

What is not self-validation?

And, it is also important to keep in mind what self-validation is not. This way you can eliminate the toxic habits that might be standing in your way.

Self-validation is hampered by:

• Self-criticism.
• Comparing yourself to others.
• Minimizing or denying your needs and feelings.
• Perfectionism.
• Judging yourself harshly.

10 ways to stop needing approval 

Sure, we all like to be given compliments or know others like us. But it can become problematic if our sense of worth and confidence relies on this. 

Here are our top 10 suggestions for how you can stop needing approval.

1. Identify your thoughts and emotions

We often look to others for approval when we feel a little freaked out by what we encounter in our own minds. An emotion feels overwhelming and scary, or a thought may make us hesitate if it’s normal to think that way. When others validate them for us, we can sweep them aside: “Okay, that’s normal, I don’t have to worry about it.”

But if you want to detach from this need for validation, you will have to get comfortable with diving deep into the emotion yourself. Think of it like exploring a new house. You walk around all the rooms and find out what’s inside them all. Similarly, you need to “walk around” a little inside your body and notice what sensations come up, and where.

It can take some practice, but make sure you ground yourself and don’t dissociate, daydream, suppress, or numb what you feel. Really listen to yourself — without judgment. You’re not here to categorize your emotions as good or bad, but first and foremost to recognize them.

This can be challenging, especially with negative emotions. But remember that ignoring or demonizing emotions can be even more challenging. When you learn to accept them, you can let them pass and build emotional resilience, so they don’t have such a strong grip on you.

2. Know your worth

In the self-care world, people regularly talk about knowing your worth. But what does this mean? 

It’s taken me a while to learn my worth and to recognize my value. It’s not something that we can figure out overnight. A great start to this process is to learn to see yourself how your greatest cheerleaders see you. Look at yourself through the eyes of your best friend.

Often the harsh words or criticism from childhood plays on a loop around our subconscious mind. We are quick to reject positive comments and equally quick to accept negative comments as those are the ones we feel more deserving of. 

I challenge you to list 10 things that make you a worthwhile and valuable person. Don’t be shy or modest. If you are truly stuck on this, ask a trusted friend to help you. 

3. Think of reasons why your emotions are normal

You might feel like you’re the only one who feels a certain way, or like your emotions are crazy. But chances are, it’s much more common than you might think.

I have found myself surprised to hear things like this on multiple occasions. For example, there’s one Instagram travel couple who has a seemingly perfect life, and an even more perfect relationship. But recently, they did a series of self-love and relationship coaching webinars with experts. In them, they revealed that they too have conflicts just like any other couple.

So whatever it is you’re feeling, don’t put it on a pedestal — chances are, it’s much more normal than you think. Try to think of some reasons why a person might reasonably feel or think something.These two questions may help:

• Did you have any past experiences that shaped your thoughts and feelings? For example, “It’s acceptable and understandable to be afraid of conflict, because I saw my parents hurt each other during arguments when I was a child.”

• Is this a common feeling that many other people may feel, even if you don’t like it? For example, “I don’t like feeling sad because I got rejected from a job, but I know that many other people would feel the same.”

If you struggle with this process, it may be helpful to talk about your feelings with a therapist. You’ll have a safe space to discuss what you feel, and a third person’s perspective that will help you slowly let go of needing approval.

4. Don’t over-identify with your feelings

When we feel something, we tend to say “I am sad” or “I am jealous.” But what is a feeling? Is it really a part of us?

Think about it: you live most of your life without feeling this feeling. You don’t shift identities when you are or aren’t sad. A feeling doesn’t define who you are. So it would be much more accurate to say “I feel sad” or even “I am experiencing sadness”.

A feeling doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person. Just because you feel jealous, doesn’t make you a jealous person. It just makes you a person who under a certain circumstance, feels jealous. And that description could fit any human being on the planet.

This can help take the pressure off in terms of needing approval, because the stakes are much lower. You don’t need validation for the type of person you are, just for a temporary feeling. That’s much easier to give to yourself.

5. Foster self-compassion for yourself

Why do we need approval? What it comes down to is wanting to feel understood. We want to feel like what we are experiencing is okay. And if we want to stop needing approval from others, we will have to learn how to provide this feeling to ourselves.

What this comes down to is self-compassion. And indeed, a study has found people with high self-validation also had high self-compassion as well as self-insight.

This can be challenging for some, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker Sharon Martin offers two great tips to make it easier.

1. Give yourself the love you never got. Maybe you never felt like you got the love and compassion you needed from your family, and that makes you crave it even more badly from others. But don’t forget, you can always give it to yourself. You’re the one person you can always rely on to give you love, at any moment you feel you need it.
2. Treat yourself like a friend. If you’re having a hard time being compassionate towards your feelings, imagine a dear friend is in the same situation. What would you say to them? We’re often much more understanding with our loved ones than we are with ourselves — and we need to learn how to give ourselves the same compassion.

6. Remember, you don’t have to agree with every thought to validate it

We all experience thoughts that may go against our values or feel out of character for you. It can be hard to validate these feelings, because it can seem like it means you must agree with them or approve of them.

But actually, to validate a feeling all you need to do is understand and accept it. It doesn’t mean you think it is justified. If you think about it, you probably do this all the time already with your friends. You may understand why a friend is angry that someone else got promoted instead of them, but at the same time not agree with that reaction. The same goes for feelings you have yourself.

If you try to fight the thoughts or feelings or judge yourself for having them, you’ll just create an internal conflict inside yourself. You’ll also miss out on truly getting to know yourself as a person, which would help you know how to manage your intense emotions better.

7. Get to the source of the issue

I have read countless books on people-pleasing and how to boost low-self esteem. But none of what I read helped me get to the root of my issues.

Don’t get me wrong; I made significant progress with my healing journey through my research. But it wasn’t until I started working with a therapist that I learned why I had developed my traits, including my deep desire for approval and acceptance by others. 

Understanding how we are the way we are is instrumental in unraveling our tangled brain yarn and helping smooth everything out when we understand the why and how we can start working on long-term solutions instead of short-term fixes. 

8. Jump off the social media merry-go-round

Social media is one big melting point of one-upmanship. Sometimes 

I can handle the noise of social media. Other times I find myself getting caught in its merry-go-round and seeking approval from others via social media. 

Examine how you use social media and whether you rely on it as a source of approval. Science shows that social media use increases anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances. 

Social media engagement can cause a downward spiral in our well-being and plummet our self-esteem. One knock-on effect of this is an increase in approval-seeking behavior. 

I strongly suggest that you limit your use of social media, unfollow accounts that don’t make you feel good about yourself, and maybe set time restrictions or remove the apps from your mobile phone.

9. Practice self-love

I’m a big believer in practicing self-love. Self-love isn’t about shopping and spa treatments. It’s more than that. It’s about learning to believe in ourselves and showing up as our own best friends. 

Use loving kindness mantras during meditation to help engage with your inner child. 

Most of us who seek approval seek it on behalf of our hurt inner child—the damaged child from our youth who still resides within us. 

I’ve learned to show compassion and understanding to my inner child. I make sure she knows she is loved, safe, and cared for; above all else, her traumas are not her fault.

This healing process is helping me find a place of acceptance instead of feeling I need to prove myself and find approval. 

10. Become comfortable with disapproval

One of the hardest things for approval seekers is hearing negative comments, disapproval, or no comment. Being passed over or disregarded, and discarded is excruciatingly painful. 

But once we work on our need for approval, not only will we stop needing approval from external sources. But we will also learn to let criticism wash over us. We become comfortable with the idea that not everyone will like us and that we are not for everyone. 

Logically we understand that we don’t like everyone. Let’s now become comfortable with the fact that not everyone will like us. And that is perfectly ok. 

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Wrapping up

I hope this article has given you some clarity and useful tools for getting the validation you need from the best source you have: yourself. As you put these tips into practice, remember that any kind of personal development is a skill you need to practice. Start out slow, and give yourself the space and time to start out slow and then get used to relying on external validation less and less.

Is there anything you do differently to tackle your need for approval? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 10 Ways to Stop Needing Approval From Others (With Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.