Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Melissa. I live in Germany in an old farmhouse complex with 4 generations of my family. There’s me with my boyfriend and baby daughter. My parents and 94-year-old grandmother live in separate apartments next door.

I’m a passionate yoga teacher & used to be a full-time retail manager, but gave that up earlier this year (Aug 23) on my quest for further self-discovery, finding more work-life happiness, and fulfillment in life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Burnout and adaptation disorder.

After being told I can’t have children I felt like I had failed in my natural life purpose. I didn’t really want children, I was more career-focused, but I would have at least liked to have had the choice.

I was a frustrated workaholic not knowing what I wanted in life so I clung to my job because that was always going forward. I was diagnosed with burnout for the first time in 2016. 

I ignored the symptoms. I was constantly questioning life, found it hard to find excitement in getting up and ready for the day, and constantly led fictive aggressive conversations in my head with my boyfriend, colleagues, family, and friends.

I thought it was normal, as we live in an overstimulated world where you never seem satisfied. I thought I was a spoiled brat, not being appreciative of life. I had everything: a relationship, a roof over my head, and a great job that just kept getting ‘better’, which made my inner conflict even worse. Why was I unhappy? 

After struggling with several miscarriages I started doing yoga, and little by little I started to gain clarity over my desires and feelings. Realizing my life was out of place, led to even more frustration.

I dug deeper into yoga only to find more clarity, but with the clarity also came anger and resentment. I didn’t feel respected in my relationship, making me cling to my workplace even more, because there I was a manager and people respected me.

But I was a people-pleasing manager, always putting myself last which was also a stressor, but I didn’t realize this until later. Sometimes you need to get rid of one blockage in order to reveal and become clear on the others. 

So one day I had the guts to dump my boyfriend after 17 years of manipulative belittling and dove into the arms of my now-boyfriend the very next day. I thought all my problems would be solved, but then my dissatisfaction with my job started to rise and got extreme over the years.

Thank goodness I became pregnant and stayed so this time, I stopped working as my pregnancy was at high risk, this gave me the chance to gain distance from my anger towards work. 

Knowing the old job was not at all family friendly nor was I feeling fulfilled by it. I began to take my yoga career more seriously (2021), helping people gain clarity as I did. It was not paying the bills, but I loved it and still do.

But the day I had to go back to work kept creeping closer, and so did my cortisol levels and anxiety attacks. So I decided to quit, become jobless, and be ashamed of failure once more.

The psychologist diagnosed me with an ‘adaptation disorder’ (2023) meaning that I can’t/or don’t want to adapt to my situation in the outside world.

This diagnosis was a slap in the face and simultaneously woke me up from living in denial. The constant urge to adapt myself to things that no longer suited me.

I still suffer from the old relationship and job I quit, as they accompanied me for such a long time in life leaving deep imprints in my behavior and thoughts. This mess is still slowly unraveling day by day.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I was struggling with panic attacks, eating unhealthy, and sleeping all day (so it would be over sooner) I’d cry myself to sleep at night and when I wanted to feel better I’d drown myself with alcohol until I passed out.

I spoke openly about all my problems to family and friends (but I tried to hide the alcohol problem). I was so often told to leave my relationship and my job, and indeed that was what I was longing to hear deep inside, but I was somehow attached to the toxic relationships. They had become my ‘safe zone’ – the unknown was more scary than staying with the pain.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

When I became pregnant and it stayed, It was a shock as I was told I’d never be able to have children due to chemotherapy I had at the age of 16. Suddenly I felt this urge to take action and get my life sorted out.

My life was no longer only about me. I realized clearer than ever that my workplace wasn’t going to work with a family. I started to feel lost and needed a plan.

At the same time, I was afraid to lose the child, and looking for an online course (Corona Limits at the time, 2021), a guide through pregnancy with yoga included. I couldn’t find one to suit my needs so I decided to become a prenatal yoga teacher myself. 

This was when the idea was born to teach other pregnant women. And there was nothing more rewarding. I created my own online course.

This was the first step I took to my NOW-life, the main turning point in realizing my job was toxic. I realized that teaching yoga and helping students get unstuck lit me up.

I decided I wanted more, and have been moving in this direction ever since. The more people I can help the more the happiness floods into my days. This reflects on my health, the way I treat others, and myself.

If I would have taken more time to tune into myself in the first place, I would have realized this much sooner. But I never gave myself the time to think a thought to an end.

100% of my improvement was a result of doing yoga and learning to pay attention to things that no longer served me. Leading to better circumstances: healthy relationships and pregnancy. 

And then 50% of my improvement was due to my circumstances of being a mother with a new perspective, and 50% of the actions I took out of these new circumstances: the ambition to sort out my life, leave my job, and get help.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I went to a psychiatrist to have my sanity approved for ‘myself’. I wanted to do it because at one point I thought I was going crazy. Family and friends were at one point no longer an objective source of advice, so I trusted my gut and got help.  

Sometimes it can help to get the opinion of a ‘professional stranger’ free of any emotional connection to you. This helped me gain so much simplicity in my complex problems.

The thing I didn’t like was that he immediately wanted to put me on medication, although I had just had a mental breakthrough. A total shift of thought patterns that needed to be digested. I refused to take them and asked for a second appointment in the near future instead. He decided to give it a shot and it worked.

Before deciding to take any antidepressants, sleep over it. Numbing things out won’t necessarily make them go away. But working with and through your problems will.

It doesn’t mean that you’ll feel like the pain never existed, but you learn to live with it. It’s part of your life experience which makes you who you are. 

Furthermore, don’t underestimate the power of yoga. With the relief of bodily tension, trapped emotions are set free. Hidden blockages coming from self-limiting beliefs, trauma, and more. Untangling these can be both confusing and liberating.

Bringing things up to work with from your subconscious. For me, it brought up unexplainable feelings that eventually led to realizations that helped me take action and move toward a better life. That’s why I became a teacher.

I still haven’t healed from my situation fully. I have days where my thoughts spiral around the thought that I wasted half of my life putting up with things that broke my own values. But I know it’s most likely never going to happen again.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Yes, I share my story openly hoping to help others gain clarity faster, helping them on their path to self-reflection and eventually enlightenment.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Take more time for yourself, and learn to trust your gut. It’s crucial to stay in touch with your true needs and values, maintaining a healthy mindset and a balanced life.

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get lost in the sea of responsibilities, endless opportunities, and distractions and forget about ourselves.

Taking a few moments every day to focus on ourselves, journal our thoughts and feelings, and disconnect from screens can help us reconnect with our true inner selves.

This sounds simple but it’s hard work and can be very confusing and frustrating. But I strongly believe that numbing out your feelings with medication won’t get you anywhere. The problems will remain when you drop the meds, and you’ll be in the same place you were before.

I like to compare it with a plant starting as a seed: It keeps on growing non stop pushing its way through all the soil (your inner resistance and struggles)

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Burnt Toast by Terry Hatcher was my first inspiration for self-care.

George Kelly – Personal Construct Theory: This book helped me understand the complexity of each individual and how they perceive the world from a completely different view even if they are seeing exactly what you’re seeing – sounds simple but it’s an eye-opener.

Ina May – Guide to Childbirth: Not only for pregnant women! This book helped me understand that you need to let go, heal, and process your subconscious blockages in order to give birth to something. I know this book is about how women have trouble giving birth when they are emotionally blocked, and in my opinion, it transfers to most things in life. Not only a baby but also art, music, creativity, being yourself, etc.

(Not a book.. but) Do Yoga! I encourage anyone who feels in any way stuck to practice any type of yoga. Because during yoga practice, you are fully indulged with your thoughts in the body and not in the mind. This pause is essential for breakthroughs and deep connections to your own inner self – which is not comparable to anyone else.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me here, or find me on Yoga Alliance, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Struggle With Burnout and Adaptation Disorder and How Yoga Helped Me Find Clarity appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Rob Kalwarowsky, an impactful leadership coach for Elite High Performance. I use a unique blend of psychology, science, leadership & experience to give my clients life-changing transformations.

I have a special ability to give people an intimate and caring space, regardless of the size of the room, while bringing humor and research into my coaching.

I recently did a TEDx talk called How to Deal with an A**Hole Boss and I co-host the Leadership Launchpad Project podcast, rated Canada’s #3 top leadership podcast by Feedspot.

Before transitioning into leadership coaching & speaking, I spent over 10 years as an engineer within mining, oil pipelines, and consulting in heavy industry.

I have a foundation of high performance as I graduated from Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) with a Bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering with a minor in Management, I was a 3-time Academic All-American in NCAA Water Polo and I played on the Canadian Junior National Water Polo Team. the 

Now, I live in Costa Rica, married to my wife, Mbalia and we have an amazing labradoodle, Winston.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggle with depression, anxiety & suicidality. It started in 2012 because of a toxic boss.

When I started working, I thought I had it all. I played on the Canadian Junior National Water Polo Team and got a Mechanical Engineering degree from MIT.

In my first job in mining, I saved my company millions. I thought I was on the fast track to success and happiness, but it all came crashing down. I had a toxic boss and it led me to turn in on myself.

Day by day, my manager ground me down. He made me question my choices at work, then my purpose, then whether my life itself had any meaning. And in 2013, I tried to take my life.

I was getting medications and therapy at the time but nothing helped. I tried 10-15 medications, I was invalidated in therapy and then I gave up. I didn’t think help would work for me.

In 2020, after moving and switching jobs multiple times, I went back into therapy. My therapist is amazing and we did deep trauma work using EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. I still struggled with my mood and she recommended that I try to find medications.

After another 10-15 medications that didn’t work, I finally found a great psychiatrist who prescribed me medications that worked (he ordered a genetic test for me) and ketamine treatment.

It all clicked for me and the last few years were a massive change. I pivoted from engineering into leadership coaching, got married to my wife, got my dog, Winston, moved to Costa Rica, and did a TEDx talk about bad bosses. Now my life is more fulfilling, happier and I’m supported by an incredible group of people.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

In my worst moments, I felt despair and I felt like my only option was to take my life. I had tried 20-25 different medications, I had tried numerous therapies/therapists, I had tried everything I could think of to help myself and yet, I was in the darkness with no light.

I didn’t know how to get out. I couldn’t see any path or steps that gave me a glimmer of hope. It was all darkness, pain, and despair.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment that things turned around for me was when I met my now psychiatrist for the first time. Up to that point, I had been to 3-4 other psychiatrists, I had taken 20-25 different medications without success, and I had been diagnosed with a multitude of disorders some of which were incorrect.

I had also been doing deep trauma therapy for 9 months where I saw my therapist 2-3 times/week. I knew my therapist was great but I still felt suicidal.

My psychiatrist did 2 things that made me trust him immediately. After I told him, I had tried all these medications and many of them made me feel worse. He ordered a genetic test so we had scientific data on which medications would/wouldn’t work.

The second thing, he showed me multiple scientific papers on the effectiveness of ketamine treatment on treatment-resistant depression. He showed me in the first consult that he relies on science (not guesswork like what I experienced before) and he was constantly searching for new treatments to help people more effectively. He was the final piece of my puzzle that saved my life.

When I was assessed by my psychiatrist in June 2021, I was 51 out of 63 on Beck’s Depressive Inventory (considered Extreme Depression). A few months later, I was in my 20s (Borderline Clinical Depression) and now, I’m not considered depressed anymore (I still take medication, have treatment, and do therapy to maintain my current mood).

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

• My top recommendation for people who struggle with depression is to surround yourself with the right people. I think it should include both mental health professionals and personal connections (spouse, partner, friends, family, colleagues, etc.) 
• For me, the right mental health professionals were a psychologist & psychiatrist who were constantly growing, evolving their thinking, and willing to experiment with new modalities. 
• Here are a few examples:
  • I found a great therapist where I was able to excavate & heal trauma. For example, EMDR & IFS therapy were more effective for me than CBT or talk therapy. My therapist was constantly taking new programs, speaking to her mentors, and implementing her learnings with me. 
    One key example was her using Accelerated Resolution Therapy on my memory of the suicide attempt. Through ART, I was able to process the trauma of that event and change the memory.
  • I found a great psychiatrist where I was able to balance the chemicals in my brain. He was constantly reading scientific papers and kept showing me new research on ketamine and my medications to give reasoning behind his recommendations. 
    The keys for me were MAOI medications instead of traditional SSRIs and using ketamine treatment which is fairly new in its usage as an antidepressant.

• For me, the right personal support system included a coach, my wife, and my dog.
  • I found a great coach where I was able to envision and work towards a fulfilling future. She gave me the optimism, clarity, and confidence that I had lost while suffering.
  • I found an amazing wife & dog who gave me love and acceptance. My wife has supported me through my darkest moments and given me love when I was broken.
    My dog showed me what unconditional love and unconditional acceptance is. He’s always near me and we share so many moments throughout the day that keep me feeling great.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I started struggling in 2012, I found it hard to share it with anyone. When it became too much for me to handle on my own, I started sharing it with friends.

Unfortunately, I pushed those friends away because of what I was sharing. They were not mental health professionals and I overstepped their boundaries by sharing too much.

In 2019, I started talking about it openly. I wrote a blog post about depression where I received so much feedback from the global maintenance & reliability engineering community that I never turned back. I started sharing pieces on my podcast as well.

The impact helped me keep going. I received messages from people who struggled from Australia to North America saying that reading that blog helped them.

In 2021, I had the privilege of doing a keynote in Australia where hundreds of professionals heard me speak about my mental health struggles. Most recently, in July 2023, I did a TEDx talk in Japan about toxic bosses and my mental health struggles that were triggered by having one.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Don’t stop searching until you find your perfect support team. I went through many therapists, psychiatrists, coaches, and friends (losing some in the process) until I found the right support team for me. I felt so many times that I was unfixable. After years of searching, I finally found the perfect people for my support system. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t overnight but it saved my life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Internal Family Systems was a game-changer for me not only in supporting my own healing/day-to-day life but also in understanding others. 
• Dr. Richard Schwartz’s book – No Bad Parts was really helpful in understanding IFS after I had done many therapy sessions using this modality. I was also fortunate to have interviewed Dr. Schwartz for the Leadership Launchpad Project podcast.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

• I’m most active on LinkedIn.
• My podcast, Leadership Launchpad Project.
• For tips & strategies to Help You Deal with a Toxic Boss.  
• For 1on1 or corporate high-performance leadership coaching.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How a Toxic Boss Pushed Me to Into a Depression and How I Bounced Back appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Brandon and I’m a consultant. I grew up outside Philadelphia, PA in a great household. I have an incredible family and I am the oldest of four boys. I grew up playing sports, traveling, and always had a video camera in my hand! Life is pretty good these days, but it wasn’t always this way… 

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My battle with alcoholism and addiction started off as a lot of fun. I started drinking at about 15 years old. The feeling of alcohol relieved a lot of internal issues of depression, anxiety, and any worries I had in my life at the time. It allowed me to let loose and enjoy myself in a way I hadn’t experienced until that first drink. 

After several years of drinking and smoking weed, my illness progressed into more of an issue. It started with reckless behavior that led to multiple arrests under the influence of a substance. It wasn’t a rare occurrence to end up in handcuffs with criminal charges after a night of binge drinking. 

I forgot to mention, but growing up I always loved movies. Two of my favorites were Scarface and Blow. This leads me into the addition of cocaine and other substances, including MDMA, ketamine, and meth into my drinking benders. This definitely made my nights out a bit more aggressive.

I quickly figured out that using cocaine would allow me to consume a lot more liquor and give me an additional buzz. This became a daily habit pretty quickly and didn’t seem too out of the ordinary because of the people I was surrounding myself with.

I continued this habit for several more years, naive that my addiction was progressing rapidly. It’s easy to see looking back retrospectively at this point. 

Alcohol and cocaine were the perfect combination for a while, I was able to stay out all night socializing and partying. After some time, I realized that cocaine was causing massive anxiety attacks and terrible depression.

As a great addict would do, I discovered Xanax and Percocet. I would use Xanax to help come down from alcohol and cocaine, then use Percocet and oxycodone to start the next day. Drinking and drugging are no longer serving me, it is destroying my life. Benzos and opiates were the start of a terrible new addiction that would control my life for the next 12 years. 

At this point in my addiction, I am a slave. I needed opiates from the moment my eyes opened in the morning until the moment I passed out at night. If I was awake, I needed to use it. I was no longer in control.   

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

All the passion I had for living was stripped away. My willpower was non-existent. I lied to myself day in and day out. I promised myself I would detox from opiates every single day for over a decade.

I truly believed that I would stop and against my will, I would be spending between $200-$300 a day on drugs. Opiates controlled who I saw, where I went, what I did, and every single aspect of my life was controlled by this terrible addiction. 

I tried my best to make it seem like I was fine, but I was a full-blown drug addict. My self-esteem and self-worth were gone. My self-talk was extremely negative, hoping that the person I saw in the mirror would die every single day. I would pray for God to fix me, I learned later that prayer without work is dead.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After years of suffering from addiction, someone introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was desperate for something to fix me, so I attended a meeting. When you’re on the verge of suicide, you start taking suggestions. I was unable to successfully detox myself at this point, so I attended the meeting high on opiates. But hey, at least I showed up.

I heard someone mention that this disease ends in three ways… “Jails, Institutions, and Death”. I guess I was too stubborn and didn’t take enough of a beating at this point, because I left the meeting that night saying “That will never be a part of my life”. Little did I know that Jails, Institutions, and Death would slowly start to consume everything around me. 

Over the next several years, four of my friends ended up serving 5-15 years in prison each for the distribution of narcotics and burglary. Five of my good friends overdosed and died on fentanyl. My amazing friend Alyssa hung herself in a prison cell from heroin withdrawal. My old roommate received a life sentence for a homicide related to drugs.

Thankfully, several of my buddies ended up in Mental Institutions and Treatment Facilities to receive proper help. I knew I needed to change, but I was still stuck in this delusional state of addiction where I thought I could get out of this on my own. My life was about to change in a big way over the next two years. 

I ended up in a traumatic motorcycle accident, fracturing my tibial plateau in several areas. I was in terrible pain, but my first thought was “How am I going to get enough pain medication to stop me from withdrawing and help the pain in any way?”. 

I was rushed to the hospital and went into emergency surgery. I woke up from surgery with an external fixation device from my ankle to thigh with 2 rods drilled into my femur and two rods drilled into my shin. My leg was drilled straight with rods for three weeks while the swelling went down enough to plan my second surgery.

I was at a local hospital and not too far from my dealer at this point. As soon as I could function, I texted him to visit me in the hospital to deliver $10,000 worth of opiates.

At this point, there was no hope of sobriety for me in the near future. They transferred me to an orthopedic specialty trauma center in the city for my next surgery. I went into surgery the day I arrived and woke up to excruciating pain.

I had 7 screws and a plate implanted into my tibial plateau and down my shin. They started me on a morphine IV, it did NOTHING for the pain. They tried Dilaudid, but I felt no relief whatsoever. Next, they hit me with a fentanyl IV, that’s exactly what I needed.

I experienced pain relief for about 45 minutes. I was cleared from the recovery room and sent to my inpatient room where I would click the dilaudid drip to maximum dispense limits every hour and sniff my stash every time the nurse left me alone for the next week. I was an immobile drug addict who had a long journey to recovery. I thought to myself, “If I’m going to overdose, at least I’m already in a hospital”. 

I was in a pretty bad mental, emotional, and physical place at this point. Maybe God is challenging me through this adversity to change my life forever?

My family was worried sick about me knowing how much I was suffering. After discharge, I had a home health physical therapist work with me three times a week to help me break through the scar tissue over 125 days to get a proper range of motion back in my knee joint. They also helped me learn to move from a wheelchair to a walker, to two crutches, to one crutch, to a cane, and finally walk on my own in an ankle-to-thigh brace.

Simultaneously, I was trying to figure out how to treat my addiction to opiates. I was already out on disability, so it would be the perfect time to go to an inpatient treatment center and clean my life up. Unfortunately, no rehabs could accommodate my physical therapy needs and this had to come first if I ever wanted to walk on my own again. 

My only option was to start an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). I humbly crutched myself into an IOP asking for help. I continued physical therapy and was attending IOP three times a week working with addiction therapists. I was learning a lot about sobriety and how people stay sober. The only problem was I couldn’t get sober.

As hard as I tried, the physical, mental, and emotional obsession would not let loose of its grip on me. I spent 7 months in IOP with no sober time. The therapists continued to tell me that I needed to get myself into an inpatient program and get separated from the drugs. I was ready to die before my ego would allow me to step foot into an inpatient rehab. 

I stopped going to IOP and continued feeding my addiction. My life started spiraling downward over the next few months. At this time I would go to AA meetings and watch YouTube videos trying to figure out how to sober up.

I realized that I needed serious help and medical attention if I ever wanted to end this suffering. I was finally given the gift of desperation. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I was ready to do anything and everything to get sober. For the first time in a long time, I was honest. I got honest with myself and everyone close to me. I was going to do whatever it took to successfully detox from the drugs and live a sober life.

I dropped my ego and asked for help. I committed myself to an inpatient treatment center for detox and addiction therapy. After my detox period, I attended every meeting, every small group, every 1:1 therapy session, and all the guest speaker meetings. It’s kind of funny, but I won three awards in treatment. I didn’t go in for an oil change, I was there to change my life forever.

They say “Your new life will cost you your old one”. I was ready to let go of everything in my past to become the man I admire in all ways. I clearly did not know how to get sober or stay sober so I was open to all suggestions from anyone that had overcome addiction. 

The most successful people in addiction recovery follow some sort of program. I began reading the big book of alcoholics anonymous to see what it was all about. I learned that drugs and alcohol were being used as the solution to all my deeper internal problems.

I had trauma to uncover and face. I began to understand my character defects, my shortcomings, my fears, my resentments from the past, all things that could lead me back to using. I used to be scared of change because I was so comfortable in my addiction.

In order to recover from my addiction, I had to face all these things and truly change who I am as a person. I needed to live in conscious congruency. I needed to pause my impulsive actions and decision-making.

Before I do anything, I ask myself, is this the right thing to do? Is this the honest thing to do? If everyone close to me can’t know what I’m doing, who I’m with, or where I’m going, it’s probably not the right or honest thing to do. Today, I realize how selfish my addiction really was. I was serving myself and destroying all those that cared for me. 

I’m working on a 12-step program today. I have a sponsor, I have a sober community to rely on, I attend meetings, and I have a great relationship with my family and friends who support my recovery.

Every day I try to find someone I can help, whether it’s helping someone move furniture, providing a meal, or talking with another alcoholic or addict. I pray for God to remove my self-pity and allow me to be of service to another person each day. When you transcend self and live to serve others, your life will change. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I live an honest life today. My friends and family know my story and are proud of the person I am today. I have a new purpose in life, to help others struggling with mental health, addiction, and recovering from traumatic injuries. 

There is a mental health and addiction stigma in today’s world. I see a lot more influential figures coming clean and speaking on the difficulties of mental health and struggles with addiction. We’re moving in the right direction to get people the help they need.

Next time you see your friend, don’t ask casually “How are you?”. Look them in the eyes, get present with them, and ask them “How’s your mental health?”.

We need to be more meaningful when catching up and checking on our people. That’s the difference between someone saying “I’m good” and moving on with their day and someone who just needed an extra push to get honest and tell you what’s really going on in their head.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Do not be afraid to ask for help. We can’t do this on our own, but with community, we can! The most courageous thing I ever did was ask for help. It truly saved my life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Fifth Vital: This book helped me realize that other people struggle with addiction just like me and there’s always hope! 
• Wes Watson on Youtube: Daily motivation and inspiration to live a better life and stay focused on your goals. 
• The Power of One More: The ultimate guide to happiness and success. 
• Keep it Simple: Daily motivation and quotes for healthy sobriety. I read this every single day!   
• Alcoholics Anonymous – The Big Book: If you’re struggling with substance abuse, this is a must-have! 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Recently, I’ve been working on a Recovery-Based Journal to help other struggling alcoholics and addicts. The project is called “The Comeback Series”. Please check us out on Instagram and Facebook.

We provide tools, resources, and knowledge for those looking to get sober or already working in a recovery program. If you send a DM, I will personally respond. Please do not hesitate to reach out!

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Journey From a Life of Alcohol and Drugs to Sobriety and Helping Others appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Karina and I’m from the Philippines in Southeast Asia. I’m 59 and have been a widow for almost three years. I live with my two grown children (they’re both single still!) and two lovely fur babies–a spunky Russell terrier named Gigi and an adorable pug named Mosey.

I’m a writer by profession. I’ve been doing freelance writing for clients from various industries after leaving my office job in 2009. Currently, I’m a Content Administrator for RentPost, a property management software company based in Tampa, Florida. 

I work from home (yes, everything I do is on a remote work arrangement long before it became the “in-thing” during the Coronavirus pandemic). Best decision I ever made since it allows me to travel whenever I want to, go on weekly lunches with my besties, and do training sessions or take long walks with my dogs (who have become my life these days!).

I have a passion for the outdoors and used to trek a lot pre-pandemic. These days, I go on regular early morning walks with my Jack Russell to get those happy hormones working. This particular dog breed needs lots of exercise so it’s a win-win situation for both of us. Mosey, my Pug, is a couch potato and gets my undivided attention during Netflix sessions in the evening. Dogs really work magic when it comes to dealing with loneliness and depression. No wonder they own the top spot for animal assisted therapy!

Yes, I am definitely happy. But it almost took me a lifetime to realize that. It must have been because of my unique life circumstances. I lost my Mom and two sisters in a sea tragedy over forty years ago. I was only 15 then. and growing up without a mom during your teenage years was plain difficult. 

Although I come from a large family of seven siblings, there was no one around to walk me through the awkward phase of adolescence or offer some relationship advice (which, looking back, is really crucial!).

At 25, I got married to a loving husband and father to my two kids. However, he did have a major struggle with substance abuse. And I was the co-dependent who saw him through it all.

Late night outs or even a few days of not coming home was the norm for my husband. We also had our share of vehicular accidents and occasional brushes with the law. It came to a point when our motor insurer was already thinking twice about renewing our annual policy. They were losing money on our claims.

The clincher was a criminal case filed against my husband for possession of illegal substances. Good thing the offense was bailable. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever think of being in a courtroom, not with the plaintiff, but with the accused. You see, I come from a mildly influential family in our city, my dad having served as its congressman and mayor in the past.

The court hearings stretched through the years due to the pandemic and it was slowly eating up the both of us. Then, in December 2020, just a few months before judgment could be passed, my husband died in his sleep. It was a painless death that I, and the rest of the family, saw as divine intervention.

My husband had always said that he would rather take his own life than spend the rest of it in jail if he was found guilty. On the other hand, there was this huge possibility that he would go back to his vices if he got acquitted. So God decided to step in and save him from all that.

From my end, that was a huge revelation regarding the principle of fate, destiny, or karma. How we exit from this earthly existence isn’t really determined by how we live–it is wholly dependent on God’s mercies.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) when I sought professional help in 2021. I was struggling with anxiety and depression after my husband and brother passed away eight months apart the year before. 

I couldn’t perform simple tasks like cleaning the bathroom or planning the weekly menu. Thinking of what to cook for the next meal was overwhelming. Little things like the water pump conking out, the dogs missing a feeding, or my household helper going on her weekend off seemed like the end of the world. I had to stop driving because I would have a panic attack at the most unexpected moments.

Funny, but those who knew what I went through during married life were saying I should be relieved now that all the stress was over. True, but my body must have been so accustomed to stress that my system went haywire with the abrupt change. I thrived on stress and was so used to finding solutions to problems and issues that the lack of it was sort of boring.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

While the physical symptoms were typical–nausea, breathlessness, and elevated heart rate–depression numbed me on the inside. I was constantly staring into space, forcing myself to laugh at supposedly funny moments but finding it extremely difficult to cry. Looking back, I never shed a tear during my 36-month battle with depression.

My struggle with anxiety and depression also took its toll on my writing. I experienced brain fog and writer’s block, and what normally took me a couple of hours to write took several days to complete. 

I also lost a lot of weight–which was very welcome at the start since I’m on the curvy end. But I did panic when my weight fell below 120 lbs (from a normal of 135-140 lbs.) I was only eating about 2-3 spoonfuls per meal.

My sister and a few close friends knew what I was going through and they were a BIG help. They were very supportive and communicated with each other, making sure someone took me out to an occasional lunch or out-of-town trip just to ‘get away from it all”.

I also informed both of my children about what I was going through so they would understand my actions. I was so blessed they offered to fill in for what I couldn’t get done.

Throughout this time, I continued going out with friends. I would even drop work in the middle of the week to go for a short overnight out-of-town trip. But coming home even made things worse.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Things started to turn around when I saw a psychiatrist. She was simply brilliant. I’ve been to other shrinks in the past but they were kind of patronizing, which doesn’t work for bullheaded individuals like me. But this one quickly zeroed in on the real issue I was facing, which was probably the cause of my depression.

My shrink told me I was at a point in life when ideally, I could have comfortably saved up for retirement (which I have not) and had the fear of facing the future alone. After a short assessment, she gave me the GAD diagnosis and recommended I go on medication.

One thing I learned about seeing a shrink–they’re simply there to walk you through your struggles; everything else depends on YOU. Even the decision to opt for simple counseling or go on medication.

I opted for the latter and first went on sertraline (brand name Zoloft, which I struggled with), then with escitalopram (Lexapro), which worked wonders for me. I took it for a year, resumed writing and traveling during that period, and then weaned off, thinking I was feeling okay. 

I was good for a couple of months until the anxiety started creeping in again for no reason. I resumed medication for another four months and am now off it for the past six months.

Anxiety and depression can be cyclical, I was told. One just needs to be aware of their unique triggers. For instance, some may start feeling lonely after the holidays or following a momentous event. Others may be triggered by memories associated with certain places, people, or even things.

I must say things will turn around when you choose to, so I think it was 100% the result of my own actions in my case. We cannot control life circumstances, but we can control our actions.

It was I who decided to see a shrink. It was I who decided to go on medication. There were no notable circumstances that affected my struggle to overcome depression–everything was normal and typical.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

For starters, I think the first and only essential step you need to take is to accept that you need help. What really helped me was having family and friends around (but be sure not to wear them out to the point that you become a burden).

To a depressed person, everything is impossible. Even making that initial appointment with a shrink seems impossible. The depressed person will continually procrastinate and put things off.

In my case, my sister set up the appointment for me and even offered to drive me to the clinic. She also had her assistant purchase my initial round of medication.

I have this small group of childhood friends I regularly hang out with and they were a big help as well. Even though it was difficult, I forced myself to socialize with them so I could leave the confines of home. There’s a bigger world out there and anyone suffering from depression has to know that. 

I also carefully chose the people I shared my struggles with. I found comfort in those who simply listened and did nothing much except to be with me at that moment. My advice to anyone living or associating with someone who is depressed: Listen well and listen with compassion.

Never say they’re facing such a small issue. Never cut a conversation short to offer a piece of advice or give an example of your own struggles that could have been worse. It sucks!

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As mentioned earlier, my sister was instrumental in my recovery. My “girl gang” also did their share by taking me out to lunches, bringing me along on their travels, or simply sending my favorite food on no occasion.

I felt most comfortable sharing my struggles with friends who’ve been through tough times themselves. Scarred people make the most compassionate friends.

In contrast, I was most uncomfortable talking about my struggles with arrogant or condescending personalities who make you think their horror stories are worse than yours. Or their successes better than yours. So be very careful in choosing the people to whom you bare your heart and soul, warts and all.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

The moment loneliness or despair sets in, see the glass as half full rather than half empty. We are blessed beyond what we think.

It’s all a matter of perspective. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. Tend your own garden, no matter how small it may be. That way, you can bloom where you are planted and send out the flowers when all is well.

There’s really nothing I wished I knew earlier – every circumstance and event in my life happened for a reason and a purpose. I believe I wouldn’t be the best version of myself if things happened in a different way.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I’ve read these books at different stages of my life and continue to re-read them whenever I need some inspiration.

• The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren has helped me zero in on why am I here on earth and how I can find meaning in all that life has to offer.
• Simple Abundance: 365 Days to a Balanced and Joyful Life is every woman’s bible which helps you develop a keen perception of the little blessings in your daily life.
• The Art of War by Sun Tzu is my all-time favorite book on survival and how to address conflicts and struggles.
• Good Morning God by Pamela Steinke is a must-read for anyone suffering from anxiety or depression.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on LinkedIn.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

I’d just like to emphasize this more:

Depression isn’t a weakness of character; rather it stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain resulting from sustained stress or sudden emotional losses. It can even be genetic.

Depression is a complex and serious condition so never be afraid to seek help from a therapist, psychiatrist, or counselor. And if you can’t get yourself to set an appointment, reach out to someone who can do it for you.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Experience With Grief and Depression and Why Social Support is so Important appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Mary Addison Yates and I like to be addressed by my first and middle name, MaryAddison. I’m a South Carolina native and have lived there most of my life, with the exception of three years in TN from the ages of 13-16.

I’m the second to oldest of five siblings, soon-to-be ex-wife, and co-parent with the father of our amazing 11-year-old boy/girl twins. I was a dental assistant for 20 years until 2020 when I had the courage to discover my passion and became an ICF certified life coach.

I’m extremely passionate about sharing my experience, strength, and hope to help people feel connected, seen, and heard. It is my belief that each and every human that is brought into existence is beautifully and uniquely created on purpose, for a purpose. Our life is evidence of our inherent worthiness; we do NOT have to earn it.

Feeling happy ebbs and flows for me depending on my inner state of being, outer circumstances, and attitude, but I can always find something to be grateful for. I feel the happiest when I have taken care of myself first, am fully present in the moment, and am focused on serving others.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I believe my struggles are a conglomeration of my DNA, my life experiences, how they affect me, and whether I have the awareness to address them. My greatest challenge was not knowing I was worthy of love due to experiencing emotional neglect as a child.

I experienced anxiety, panic attacks, and addiction for 16 years. I experience chronic musculoskeletal pain due to scoliosis, mood swings, brain fog, and fatigue due to perimenopause, poor working memory, time blindness, inattention, and hyperfocus due to ADHD. I am currently experiencing a cycle of depression due to having a major depressive disorder.

My earliest memory is of me desperately seeking evidence that my existence mattered. I felt unseen and unheard; invisible. The emotional pain was so intense I found a way to store all my feelings in my gut and disassociate from my body.

I had a constant stream of thoughts running through my mind. I used people-pleasing and strove for an undefined version of perfectionism in an attempt to feel useful and worthy of love.

I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation around age 14, started taking anti-depressants, and began therapy. I was also introduced to drugs and alcohol around that time, and it was a way to quiet the constant noise in my head.

At some point I crossed an invisible line that took me from recreational use to not having a choice whether I was going to drink and do drugs, it was only a matter of when I would again; no matter how many times I swore to myself that I was going to stop.

When I was younger, I worked extremely hard in school to make good grades but it was extremely challenging for me. Either I was undiagnosed with ADHD or I was unaware of it. Either way, I didn’t think I was as smart as everyone else because schoolwork seemed so much more difficult for me.

As I got older, I thought I was lazy, unmotivated, and irresponsible. I would start many projects but had a hard time finishing them. Trying to manage a job, household, and motherhood seemed so overwhelming and I judged myself extremely harshly. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I was so used to people-pleasing and masking my pain, that most people didn’t seem to notice that I was extremely depressed. Eventually, I barely went around people who cared about me.

In my darkest moments, I wanted my life to end. I was drinking so heavily on a daily basis, I would black out (be awake and functioning but have no memory of what I did) and behave in demoralizing and dangerous ways.

When I would wake up and learn about what I had done the night before from someone else, I was so ashamed of myself. I hated who I had become, it was a vicious cycle and a living hell.

Yet, somehow I was able to become a dental assistant when I was 20 years old. I could only keep a job for 1-3 years before I let my anger and resentment slip out and get fired for being disrespectful to my bosses.

I was a really hard worker and could hide my feelings for a while so I was always able to get a new job. I wasn’t able to recognize that I needed help because I didn’t see myself as the stereotypical addict begging for money, living in an abandoned house or under a bridge somewhere.

I met my future husband when I was 26 but I never felt truly connected to him. I felt just as invisible to him as I did to everyone else. When we decided we wanted to have children, by some miracle, I was able to abstain from drinking just before and during my pregnancy.

I coped by being very controlling, a shopaholic, and a workaholic. The twins were born when I was 31 and postpartum depression led me back to the only solution I thought I had: drinking. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment I recognized that I’d rather be drinking than taking care of my babies was simultaneously the most horrifying and most wonderful moment of my life.

It was at that point that I was given the gift of desperation, to do something different. I met with my therapist and she recommended that I attend a 12-step recovery meeting.

I was terrified but I was determined to figure out how to overcome my pain and addiction. For 32 years I felt lost and broken. Twelve-step recovery was the beginning of a life I never even dreamed could be possible.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

After I was aware that I had a problem, that I needed help, and became willing to seek it. Being a part of a 12-step program gave me a group of people who could relate to my experiences and feelings. It gave me hope and showed me that it was possible to get better.

Having a mentor help me through the process of the 12 steps taught me how to become aware of my thoughts and actions, to understand what I could and couldn’t control, how to be responsible and accountable, and how to connect with and rely on a Higher Power- who loves me unconditionally.

Treating my disease of addiction is something I focus on, daily. It has been one of the key elements that have allowed me to practice acceptance and experience moments of happiness and joy every single day.

Understanding how ADHD affects the way my brain works has been a huge part of learning to love and accept myself. I now understand that ADHD is a superpower that I can work with vs. trying to do things in a neurotypical way and feeling like a failure.

One of the things I learned was that I am not necessarily motivated by what is important, I’m motivated by what is either urgent or interesting to me. I can use this information to ensure I have a specific deadline to complete a task and/or gamify anything that’s boring or mundane to me.

For example, grocery shopping is a monotonous task that I would avoid, but I can gamify it by setting a time limit for how long it can take for me to get everything I need and check out.

Before I go, I can write the list in order of the way the store is laid out and when I’m there I get to find the quickest ways around other people to try and beat the time I set for myself.

I continue seeing a therapist to help me process past events and emotions. Currently, I am seeing a therapist that uses a technique that allows me to express and process my emotions.

I have also learned to use EFT Tapping (emotional freedom technique), a mind-body therapy that involves tapping key acupressure points on the hands, face, and body with your fingertips while focusing on uncomfortable feelings or concerns, and using positive affirmations to neutralize those feelings.

It’s critical to utilize my psychiatrist to manage my medication for depression. It’s been my experience that depression is a process of gradual decline and oftentimes it is hard to notice until I’ve gotten to the point of hopelessness.

I just recently recognized that I was suffering from depression again. Having someone who knows my history and is able to ask the right questions to assess my levels of depression is vital for me.

To support my physical body, I see an integrative medical practitioner to help monitor and treat any nutritional and hormonal abnormalities. I also see a chiropractor and massage therapist on a regular basis to manage my chronic pain.

I also have daily self-care practices that ensure I make time to nurture my mind, body, and spirit. Sleep, hydration, movement, Epsom salt baths, meditation, mindfulness, time in nature, feeling my feelings, giving myself compassion, reaching out to others, and making time for creativity are some ways I increase my ability to experience happiness.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I am an open book. I truly believe my darkest experiences as well as my moments of joy and happiness are equally important and necessary to experience life fully in its entirety.

If I can help one person feel that their experience is relatable and recognize that they are not alone, and that there’s hope that they, too can experience happiness, I will feel fulfilled. We all want to feel like we matter, want to be seen, heard, and in connection with our humanity.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Find something to be grateful for. One of the most powerful tools I have is gratitude. I am NOT advocating for you to ignore your struggles or to try to be positive all the time, this can be very damaging. Instead, I like to acknowledge, validate and express my feelings to myself and then I search for something to be grateful for.

When I first started my gratitude practice, I would write down three things I was grateful for each day. It wasn’t easy, but before long the list would fill my entire page and now it’s almost automatic. I can honestly say that even through challenging times, I am extremely grateful that I now understand I am worthy of love, and have the ability to advocate for my well-being.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was an incredibly eye-opening and useful resource that helped me understand what codependency was, losing oneself in the name of helping another, understanding that I am powerless to change anyone but myself and that caring for myself is where healing begins.
• The book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown revolutionized my understanding of worthiness. It was the catalyst that began my journey to practice courage, compassion, and connection with others. It is a book I will read over and over again because I always learn something new depending on how I’ve processed the concepts since the last time I read it. 
• The podcast ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka is the number one tool I recommend to women who have been diagnosed with ADHD and women that I suspect have ADHD but are undiagnosed or unaware. It is the most empowering show I have found that focuses on the strengths of ADHD and shares other women’s relatable experiences. It helped me understand the signs and symptoms that women with ADHD experience and I stopped shaming myself for the brain I was gifted with!
• The app Insight Timer is my go-to app for thousands of guided meditations, sound healing music, courses, and more. The free version is packed with value. You can search by any topic and filter by rating score or length of time. I especially love it for my afternoon naps!

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Learn about my coaching practice, speaking events, podcast interviews, and more on my website.

Find my story in the Amazon best-selling book Magnetic Abundance: Stories of those who have tuned to their heart’s mission.

Feel free to reach out via email, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How the 12-Step Program and Therapy Helped Me Deal With Addiction, Depression & ADHD appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! I’m Andrea Blindt. I’m a wife, mom to six kiddos, two who died five days after they were born, and four who are alive and full of energy earth-side. A registered nurse, holistic health practitioner, Rapid Transformational Therapist, author, and speaker. I wear many hats and I love each one!

I live in sunny Southern California with my family and our golden retriever Enzo. In my spare time I enjoy reading, working with my hands, dating my husband, playing with my kids, and traveling.

I am honestly living my dream life and I can’t even believe that’s a true statement! My life wasn’t always happy, so to be where I am today, surrounded by people I love doing what I love to do feels surreal.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggled with debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, and depression for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a home where abuse was all I knew. This caused me to believe that I was unworthy, unlovable, and flawed at my core. As a child, I thought, “If I just fix myself I will be lovable.” I watched my mom’s behavior and anticipated all of her needs.

I learned her triggers and avoided them at all costs. Living in that constant state of panic caused anxiety to course through my veins, and after years of working to earn my mother’s love to no avail, I became deeply depressed.

I began looking for love outside of my mother and found it caring for others. I pulled weeds for neighbors, cleaned their homes, and babysat their children. The praise I received began to fill my cup up and I formed a new belief, one that told me I was worthy of love and that it came from my behavior and acts of service.

This led me to a career in nursing where I was loved by my patients and colleagues. Not only was I loved, but I was praised for my wisdom, excellence, and skill. Patients requested me by name and trusted me to care for their loved ones. I felt on top of the world and began to believe that my life was massively improving.

I didn’t carry my past with me like a badge of honor, rather I avoided it at all cost and fully leaned into my new life.

I met a man who seemed nice and I accepted his proposal when it came a few months into our courtship. I was really beginning to believe that I was lovable, worthy, and capable of living an amazing life.

I was determined to live a great life. To have kids and to show them love, stability, and worth. I was so excited to become a mother, but instead, I struggled to conceive. I worked with multiple fertility specialists, underwent numerous surgeries, and experienced two miscarriages.

The joy and hope I had once felt began to fade quickly and the old beliefs I’d hidden at my core began to crop up again. I started to believe that I wasn’t worthy of becoming a mother. I told myself that God loved everyone but me when I saw women who didn’t want children conceiving. And before I knew it the depression was back.

I continued to pursue motherhood and was anxious each time I received a not pregnant message, and then after another complicated round of fertility treatments, I became pregnant with twins.

I was so afraid I would have a miscarriage that I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide for the duration of the pregnancy. I was so nervous about the pregnancy ending that I forgot to celebrate its beginning.

As the weeks passed and my babies continued to grow safely in my womb I began to exhale. Hope grew within me and I started to believe that I was really going to become a mom.

I started celebrating the big milestones and captured my growing belly with weekly bump photos. I registered for baby gifts and soaked in my family and friends’ love as they showered me and my babies with goodies. I decorated their nursery. Life felt good again and I was grateful until I was forced to deliver my twins prematurely and they died five days later.

My heart was broken but continued to beat. My lungs were deflated but continued to fill with air. Memories flooded my mind but couldn’t be rescued. The world continued to spin, but for me, it stopped when their hearts did.

I watched as two nurses carried my still-warm babies down to the dark cold morgue, and I wept. Pain seeped from my marrow and evaporated off my skin.

The depression returned stronger than ever and I craved death like an addict craves its next hit.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I had panic attacks anytime I saw a pregnant woman. I imagined her baby dying and it caused my heart to ache for her, so I began spending my days isolated from the world around me, too afraid to go outside.

I stopped working as a nurse because I didn’t even have the ability to care for myself.

I stopped talking to my family and friends because I felt like they didn’t understand me and couldn’t relate to my pain.

I lost the career I loved, my babies, and the future I had envisioned. It was a very dark place to exist, and after a failed suicide attempt I found myself in therapy working through the past I’d done my best to escape.

My desire to become a mother was still there, and as I began to heal I allowed myself to envision bringing a living baby home. I didn’t know how or when that would happen, but the hope of holding a baby in my arms was enough to keep me moving forward.

Unfortunately, my medical providers told me that my body was too weak to carry a future pregnancy, so I looked into adoption and surrogacy. When those routes left me empty handed I searched for a care team that was willing to believe in me.

After another round of fertility treatments, I was pregnant. During my 6-week ultrasound, I saw the beautiful flicker of my baby’s heart beating within my womb and I hoped it would continue. I was placed on bedrest immediately due to a subchorionic hemorrhage which is a really scary way to describe a pool of blood surrounding the baby, and I prayed my baby would survive.

At 13 weeks I underwent major abdominal surgery to place a band beneath my uterus that would strengthen my body’s ability to safely carry my baby to full term.

I was in and out of the hospital with preterm labor and my doctors prepared me for another early delivery. I was scared out of my mind and felt all alone.

I did my best to release the fear and anxiety I had so that I could embrace the gift that this baby was, but it was a daily struggle for me.

When I rolled into the OR for my scheduled delivery I prayed that my baby would live. My body vibrated on the operating table as fear shook me. I smelt my flesh burning and could feel the doctors tugging at my skin as they worked to get my baby safely out, and then when she was removed I held my breath and waited for her to cry. The room was quiet and I began to cry.

I heard the doctors talking about my baby being much smaller than she should have been, and then they began discussing her umbilical cord. Despite all the ultrasounds and close monitoring I had during my pregnancy, my doctors failed to notice that my baby had a velamentous cord.

This is where the umbilical cord doesn’t connect to the placenta correctly. It can lead to issues with growth, bleeding, and even contribute to a baby not surviving delivery.

The doctors told me that she was small but that she was lucky to have survived. I was beside myself with emotion as I took everything in. After waiting for what felt like an eternity I was able to hold her, and when I did it was the best feeling I’d ever experienced in my life.

I never wanted to put her down. I was elated to have a living baby, but I was also anxious about everything that could go wrong. I knew firsthand what it felt like to have a child die and I never wanted to feel that pain again.

I was full of joy and awe as I watched her grow, but I also struggled with feelings of sadness as I acknowledged all the firsts I’d missed out on with my twins. It was such an odd experience. I felt like I was living in two worlds, with alternate realities and I did my best to navigate the two.

Life felt brighter with my daughter in it and I began to feel happy again. My husband and I purchased our first home, and we decided to add another baby to our family.

The pregnancy ended up being even more high risk than my prior ones and I was placed in the hospital for six weeks. Depression and anxiety returned as my young daughter bounced between family and friends during my absence. I missed her terribly and my body ached without her presence, but I pushed forward knowing that each day I stayed pregnant brought us one day closer to our baby.

My husband and I grew apart during this time as he managed his emotions in ways that negatively impacted our family, and before I knew it I found myself afraid, sad, and all alone again.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant my uterus ripped. I was rushed into an emergency c-section where my baby and I almost died. The entire experience was traumatic, but for the first time in my life instead of feeling sad or scared, I felt hope, happiness, and excitement.

My husband and I divorced and I thrived as a single mother. I gave thanks daily for the beautiful gift of my children in my life, and I began to dig deeper into healing my mind and body.

I let myself off the hook for selecting and marrying my ex-husband, and I acknowledged the reason for doing so. Understanding this was a pivotal point in my healing journey. I realized that he fulfilled the need I had to feel lovable, and I vowed never to make that mistake again.

I started to feel amazing, like an anchor had been removed and everything was smooth sailing. I met my now husband and began to believe in happy endings. Things felt safe, secure, and solid until suddenly they didn’t.

Fear, anxiety, and panic returned as I discovered I was pregnant. My fallopian tubes were blocked so my doctor prepared me for emergency surgery. I was sad to be away from my children again, but also in awe that I had been able to conceive at all.

Before heading into surgery the doctor placed the ultrasound probe on my abdomen. The room became quiet as a grainy black-and-white image appeared on the computer monitor beside me. Two black blobs stood out to me. I gasped as the doctor pulled the ultrasound wand off my stomach. “I saw two sacs!” I yelled as hot tears slid down my cheeks.

My poor husband shifted in his seat clueless as to what was happening while the doctor’s face grew pale, and his mouth draped open.

“There appear to be two sacs, and they are both in your uterus, not your fallopian tubes.” The shock was palpable as the doctor went on to discuss all the things that could go wrong. Since the pregnancy was still very early it was highly likely that one or both babies would miscarry. The doctor told us to go home and return in a week to see if there was proof of life.

My husband and I practically floated out of the office on autopilot. Everything changed at that moment. We went from preparing for surgery to possibly preparing for a pregnancy. A pregnancy that we didn’t even know was possible. Two lives that may or may not exist.

It was a whirlwind as we awaited our next scan for more information. On the day of our appointment hope pumped through my body as the doctor placed the ultrasound wand on my abdomen and two heartbeats flashed across the screen.

I couldn’t believe my body had naturally conceived twins. It felt purposeful, especially after losing my first set of twins. I was hopeful but I also understood that miscarriage was still a very real possibility. I knew that if the pregnancy progressed I would be on bed rest, and I knew it would be hard, but I was excited at the miracles growing inside my body.

My euphoria faded as my doctor encouraged me to end the pregnancy. “It’s too high risk, you almost died carrying your son. Your body isn’t strong enough to carry two babies, it’s not even strong enough to carry one!” He handed my husband and me a card and urged us to act quickly, referring to my uterus as a ticking time bomb that could explode at any time causing me to bleed to death within minutes.

Instead of leaving the doctor’s office feeling excited, we left carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Dread sucked all the joy from us and we drove home in silence.

By the time we arrived home, my mind was decided. I would carry the pregnancy as long as I could, and I would trust that whatever time these babies were with me was meant to be.

My husband on the other hand didn’t like that idea. He wanted to have biological children desperately, but he wanted to have a living wife more than that. He struggled as fear polluted his mind, and he contemplated terminating one of the babies.

I refused. “I spent years trying to conceive, praying for a baby, and now that I have been gifted two you want me to say thanks for the gift but I don’t want it anymore. Or thanks for the gift I only want part of it?! There is no way I’m going to do that! I am going to carry this pregnancy as long as I can with your support or without it, although I would prefer to have you by my side”, I said with heat.

Of course, my husband put me first and stood beside me every step of the way. “I am lovable. I am worthy. I am capable of living a life I love”, I thought.

I ended up on bed rest and was placed in the hospital for weeks. I listened to meditations on my phone in order to combat the anxious thoughts in my head. My husband brought my two older children to the hospital daily to visit me and my sadness went away while they were there. I felt like I was capable of carrying these babies.

I experienced excruciating pain as my uterus stretched and threatened to tear open as my babies grew bigger each day, and then when I was 31 weeks pregnant my twins were born.

They endured daily blood draws, multiple surgeries, blood transfusions, and extensive therapy before being discharged home from the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) 106 days later.

They came home with feeding tubes in their stomachs, IV poles, feeding pumps, multiple medications, and complex medical challenges. Life felt chaotic but also peaceful. We were finally all home together, and while we were still finding our footing we were happy and confident that we could do anything as long as we did it together.

We bought and moved into a new home and finished remodeling it a few months later. We started actively creating the life we longed to live and we had so many joyful moments. Happiness surrounded us and then as it had in the past, darkness rolled in and threatened to take over.

My husband and I had just taken our places on the sofa after getting the twins down for their afternoon naps when my phone rang. It was my ex-mother-in-law. My heart lurched knowing that my two oldest children were spending the day with their dad. Dread filled my body instinctively as I scrambled to answer the phone. It was like my DNA knew something awful had happened before I did.

“There’s been an accident,” she said as I pressed the phone into my ear. “Found him in the pool.. no pulse.. we don’t know for how long..ambulance took him..” my heart beat like a caged animal against my chest and I fell to my knees as despair set in.

After gathering a few of my son’s belongings I ran out the door, my confused husband trailing behind me trying to make sense of what was happening. I felt angry, enraged if I’m being completely honest.

My ex-husband is a firefighter paramedic, he knows firsthand how critical pool safety is but he refused to protect our son. For years I begged him to install a pool gate but he refused. He laughed at me and said that I was too protective of our kids, but now our innocent son was the victim.

As I drove to the hospital not knowing if my son was alive or dead I prayed for peace. I wanted to storm into the hospital and throw my angry fists into my ex-husband’s chest, but I knew that wasn’t the energy I wanted my son to be around. I knew that in order to hope for a miracle I needed to focus on gratitude, so that’s exactly what I did. I walked into the hospital and gave thanks for the gift that my son was to me in my life.

I entered his hospital room and fell to my knees as I saw his frail body lying lifeless beneath the tubes and wires that connected him to machines. The sounds in the room became fuzzy and my only thought was that I needed to touch him. I moved towards his bed and gently scooped him into my arms. “Please be ok my Angel”, I said as tears fell from my eyes and landed on his small cheek.

I stayed that way holding his fragile body in my arms as doctors came and went, as a Chaplain prayed over him, and as God granted me another miracle before I even had the opportunity to pray for one. 

After a few days, our son came home. He had pneumonia, collapsed lungs, and was extremely weak, but he was alive. 

Gratitude poured out of me and I gave thanks for him and his life. But as the days passed the darkness and anxiety returned. I started thinking about how precious his life was, how precious all of my children’s lives were, and that eerie realization that they could die at any moment saturated my mind, drowning out the peace I once felt.

My heart raced each time a firetruck passed by our house and I would burst into tears. I began having severe panic attacks anytime my kids weren’t near me. My mind would race as worst-case scenarios flashed through it. Eventually, I stopped sleeping and hardly ate. I was struggling but didn’t know how to stop the spin cycle.

The trauma of my son’s near-death experience combined with the death of my twins, multiple high-risk pregnancies, infant twins with medical challenges, and the childhood abuse I’d survived caused me to dissociate.

Terror consumed me as I pulled my car into our driveway after returning home from a doctor’s visit and realized that I had no recollection of driving. One minute I was at the hospital, and the next I was pulling into our driveway. I did my best to recall what streets I’d taken, the freeway, the exit, red lights, anything but I couldn’t and at that moment I knew I needed help.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I began seeing a therapist again three days a week. It was painful. Some days the fear and anxiety were so debilitating I didn’t think I could go on. Depression smothered me and my thinking became distorted.

I believed that if I were dead my kids would be better off, safer, happier, and less at risk. I blamed myself for divorcing my ex-husband believing if I had remained married to him that I would have been there to protect my children. I blamed myself for my twins’ medical challenges. I blamed myself for everything, and in that space, I hated myself so much.

I fell so far into darkness that I tried to end my life. I craved the peace and finality I believed death would offer, but as I sat there imagining my children’s lives without me in it, I had an epiphany.

I realized that I was ending my life in order to help them live better lives. I loved them with every fiber of my being and I wanted them to know that I loved them, wanted them, cherished them, and absolutely adored them.

I wanted them to live full happy lives knowing that they were loved and worthy of love. I wanted them to feel joy, and experience peace. I didn’t want them to experience the same type of life I had. I wanted to shield them from pain and suffering.

I contemplated how they might feel in the aftermath of my death, and I realized that if I killed myself I would be serving them pain and suffering on a silver platter!

Instead of showing them daily that they were loved and worthy, they would be left to live their lives believing their mother chose to die because she didn’t love them enough to live. They would believe they weren’t worthy of me staying in their lives. They might even blame themselves for not being enough to save me. I realized if I died they would carry the weight of my actions with them forever.

With that realization, I felt even sadder. Stuck again between two worlds. One where peace existed after I ceased to, and one where suffering and pain were a guarantee, but that I had the ability to positively coauthor for my children. 

Death would have been easier, lighter, freer, and faster for me. But for them, it would have changed their world. Knowing that, I chose to live so that their lives would have the opportunity to be fuller. I decided to love them fiercely and to show them daily through my actions and words that they were masterpieces, loved, and worthy.

And then I realized that I couldn’t teach them something I didn’t know or believe to be true myself, so I slowly learned how to love and cherish myself. 

And that’s where the real work began. When I set my sword down and stopped fighting battles and instead cultivated beauty. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I changed everything I was doing, and I mean everything. I continued going to therapy and worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist. I did EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), EFT (emotional freedom technique), RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), hypnotherapy, and nutritional and dietary support.

I worked with a body code and emotion code practitioner. I learned transcendental meditation and utilized the gift of visualization to build the vision of the world I wished to one day live in, and I believed it was possible. I changed everything I was doing, and in doing so I found ME.

I found the little girl version of me who was all alone and instead of hating her and bullying her for not being enough I loved her for being ah-freaking-mazing. I praised her for surviving all the awful things she did, because she survived a lot of crazy hard shit, and I praised her for showing up and doing the hard work when giving up would have been understandable. 

I revised, modified, tweaked, and adjusted the things I did, the thoughts I thought, and the environment I allowed myself to grow in. I mindfully pruned away family, friends, thoughts, and behaviors that were contributing to my soul’s decay, and in doing so I witnessed new life begin to bloom.

I pruned again and again and again, and to be honest I still prune today. And my life is flourishing. I see new growth, new life, and an even bigger harvest than I ever imagined possible. And I am so freaking proud of myself.

Of course, challenges still come into my life. I’ve struggled with losing loved ones, protecting my children from toxic people and unsafe situations, and so much more. Life is painful at times, but I have chosen to continue pursuing peace instead of remaining a victim of circumstances.

I am on the lookout daily for sneaky thoughts that creep into my head, and I catch them with excitement. I don’t allow them to take root and grow. I pull them out as soon as I discover them, and then I kick them to the curb and fill the space they occupied with better-feeling thoughts and beliefs. I base my decisions off of how I want to feel and whether or not they align with my life goal. If they don’t, I don’t participate in them.

Doing this shifted my happiness so much. I do it all the time. If I am sad or feeling in a funk I get curious about what’s going on around me that might be contributing to my mood. I change the things I can, like sleep quality, nutritional intake, and environmental exposures, and I surrender the things I can’t.

I know that if I want to live in peace and experience joy in my life, I cannot sulk or be moody all day and still expect to reach my goal. So I sulk for a moment and then move towards the things that will bring me closer to my goal of peace and joy. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You can do the same thing in your life anytime you want, a million times a day if you want to until eventually you find yourself experiencing exactly what you desire. If you are struggling please know that you are not alone and that healing and hope are available.

You are loved, worthy, and capable of creating a life you love. I am living proof of that truth. No diagnosis is too final, past too messy, or future uncertain to fully live a life you love, and it can start today. There are people ready to hold a light for you until you make it through the darkness. Reach out to a friend, family member, therapist, or trusted provider for support today!

It was through this healing journey that I cultivated my current business. It’s a one-stop shop in a sense that supports medical, emotional, and spiritual healing from the inside out. It gives people their power back while instilling hope in their lives.

I created this practice because I didn’t find healing in one thing, but rather through a million little things, and I wanted to share those same resources with others so that they too could create a life they love. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• I loved Marisa Peer’s book, Tell Yourself a Better Lie: Use the Power of Rapid Transformational Therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life. 
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay showed me that I was capable of healing my life.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

To learn more about me you can go to my website: my website, follow me on Instagram @andreablindt or connect with me through email.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

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Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Successfully Battling Depression and Tragedy Upon Tragedy to Find Happiness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi there! My name is Sarah Rollins and I am a survivor. 

If you want the “resume” version of me, read below:

My name is Sarah Rollins and I am a clinical social worker and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. I own a group psychotherapy practice in Michigan, Embodied Wellness, PLLC that specializes in trauma, anxiety, and depression for adolescents and adults.

I was born and raised in metro Detroit, Michigan, and earned my undergraduate and graduate degrees from University of Michigan (Go Blue!). I am 33, single, and bought my first home about a year and a half ago. I have two cats, Bella and Ziggy, and love spending time with my nieces, traveling, and being with family and friends.

At this stage of my life, I experience happiness but would more accurately describe myself as content (most of the time). I see happiness as an emotion and all emotions are fleeting. Contentment is a state of being and therefore can stay steady despite how I feel.

My goal is to be content rather than to be happy. Am I content with every moment of every day? Absolutely not. I am grateful to say that I am content more often than not and more than I ever have been in my life. 

For a more authentic, inclusive version of myself, start here

Resilient. Cat mom. Auntie. Introverted. Outgoing. Loud. Loving. Sweet tooth. Animated. Driven. Couch potato. Yogi. Nap enthusiast. Sister. Daughter. White. Jewish. Homeowner. Business owner. Social worker. Messy. Organized. Friend. Niece. Survivor. Heterosexual. She/Her/Hers. Anxious. Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. 33. Traveler. Type A. Giving. Single. Vegetarian. Woman. Stubborn. Millennial. Self-conscious. Animal lover. All of these. None of these. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

For as long as I can remember, my inner world was chaotic. I always felt like my emotions were so big and my thoughts were turned up too loud. Around middle school, as a way to cope with both an external and internal world that felt so out of control, I unconsciously began to control what I could: what I ate and how my body looked.

My dad had been diagnosed with cancer and life felt very unpredictable, scary, and like a ticking time bomb. At first, my eating disorder looked very benign. I would eat a little bit less for lunch or not eat certain foods that I deemed “bad” once in a while. It wasn’t all the time and it didn’t consume me. 

In an effort to not body shame or make this about getting tricks about how to “body check,” I will spare certain details about my eating disorder. An aspect that propelled my disorder forward was body checking. There were specific parts of my body that I despised- or more accurately disgusted me.

I also learned “rules” (that at the time I thought were true) about what makes a woman beautiful. I became obsessed with certain parts of my body to ensure that they fit a very narrow standard of beauty. 

Looking back over 2 decades later, I remember seeing countless professionals but don’t know if anyone ever told me what my formal diagnosis was. Maybe they told my parents, maybe they weren’t sure, maybe they were confused or in denial? What I do remember is my parents being worried.

I don’t know if I ever said to my parents or anyone else “I have an eating disorder” until I sought out residential treatment when I was 18. But, I do know that after my initial stages of denial, I diagnosed myself with “anorexia”.

I was below what society deems as a normal body weight for my height and age and the fear of gaining weight plagued my every thought. My self-worth wasn’t just influenced by my body, it was the only factor contributing to it. I could not remember the last time I menstruated. My nails were brittle and consistently blue. My face was more than hollow, it was lifeless. I had become a shell of myself. 

When I entered treatment, I was formally diagnosed with Eating Disorder, not otherwise specified. I was appalled. I felt like a failure. I was one thing- anorexic- and I couldn’t even be good at that, I thought.

This diagnosis, at the time, was meant for people who didn’t meet the full criteria for anorexia nervosa or another eating disorder but still exhibited eating-disordered thoughts and behaviors. If I wasn’t thin enough…would I ever be good enough for anything?

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I wish there were a combination of words that I could put together to convey the impact my eating disorder had on me. From about 10th grade through my freshman year of college, the majority of my thoughts were consumed by food, body image, or weight. I couldn’t go to a movie without thinking about the amount of calories I had eaten throughout the day and if I had any left to spare.

Every time I walked by a mirror I would simultaneously divert my eyes with disgust and feel the urge to “body check.” I would wake up in the middle of the night with my stomach growling counting down the hours until I would allow myself to eat again. A coping skill that was supposed to quiet my mind soon prevented me from feeling any joy, connection, or love. 

I wish I could say that I hid my eating disorder well, but that would be a lie. At the time I thought I did and tried all the tricks of the trade to keep things a secret. My parents would buy me protein drinks and I’d pour them down the drain when they weren’t looking. I pretended I was allergic to oil so I didn’t have to explain why I didn’t want to eat it.

I thought that people didn’t notice the weird things I did with food or how thin I got but that was just a way that my eating disorder kept me under its spell. Besides my parents, no one directly approached me with their concerns.

In high school, there were some students who anonymously went to the guidance counselor about my weight. Naturally, my 15-year-old self was defensive and angry, “how dare they not bring this to me and go behind my back?” Now I have endless compassion for whoever those students were. How brave they were to stand up for me. How lucky I was that people cared. 

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

There were multiple moments throughout my adolescence when I told myself I wasn’t going to “do that” anymore. “That” sometimes meant body checking, or not restricting dessert, or going to bed hungry. The list goes on.

I would be successful for a few hours, days, or even weeks but it wouldn’t last. True and lasting change only came when I realized that I was no longer in control of my eating disorder, rather it was in control of me. 

When I started my freshman year of college, I told myself I didn’t need a therapist anymore and that I could “do it all myself.” Doing it all myself resulted in me almost passing out at the first football game due to fatigue, nearly scaring my parents to death when I participated in the 24-hour dance marathon, and feeling empty, alone, and lost.

People around me were having fun, making friends, and actually living while I was obsessing about food and too tired to leave my bed. Even worse (in my mind), my hunger cues come back and I started to feel so hungry that I worried I would not be able to control myself and gain the dreaded “freshman 15” 

The summer after my freshman year, after approximately 6 years of struggling, I was privileged to go to a residential treatment center for 7 weeks.

During treatment, I learned how to stop engaging in disordered eating and most importantly, cope with my inner world and underlying mental health disorder. Even though my healing journey did not end in treatment, I wholeheartedly believe that without it I would not be where I am today, 15 years in recovery.

I believe having the familial resources to find the treatment center, finances to participate and the ability to leave for 7 weeks was the result of my circumstances and for that, I am so grateful. I also had to be the one to choose life and every single day make the decision to do something different. No one else could do that for me.  

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The first step was admitting to myself what I was really doing. I am a pretty good b*llshitter and can convince myself of things that are not true.

• “I shouldn’t eat after this time because it’s not good for me.”
• “It’s okay to eat a little bit less.”
• “Vegetables make up a healthy and well-rounded meal.”

The list goes on and on. At the end of the day, these were all ways for me to justify my eating-disordered behavior. 

One of the things I heard a lot while I was struggling was “You can’t trust yourself” and I thought this was true. What I thought was a healthy amount of calories was equivalent to a serving size of carrots. A major milestone in my recovery was learning to differentiate between what was my intuition/wise mind/Self versus what was my eating disorder.

In the past, I labeled my eating disorder voice, “ED” to help me know which voices belonged to who. I wrote a list of common thoughts I had and if they belong to “Self” or “ED.”

For example, a common thought I would have was “When I see myself in the mirror I need to body check to make sure I haven’t gained weight.” This is an “ED” thought not a “Self” thought and I know that because I don’t “need” to do anything when I see myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t tell a friend to do that. 

Prior to residential treatment, I would weigh myself in the morning, after school, and before bed; before I went to the bathroom, after I went to the bathroom; before I drank water, while drinking water, and after drinking water. Pretty much all the time.

The problem was, the number was never good enough. No matter how low it was, I was never satisfied and if the number went up, I felt like a failure. It was a lose-lose.

In treatment, our nutritionist would blind-weigh us to ensure that we were properly being nourished. For a while after treatment, I would continue blind weigh-ins with my doctor so I was accountable but I never saw that number.

I have not seen my weight in over 15 years. I don’t even own a scale! When I go to the doctor’s for a check-up, I turn around on the scale and ask them to not tell me my weight. How I feel in my body, how my clothes fit, my behaviors around food, and my thinking are more accurate indicators of my health than any number could ever be.

In my experience, I don’t think I could’ve recovered without residential treatment. Residential treatment is long-term (minimum 28 days) where you stay overnight at a facility and spend the day in individual and group therapy. In treatment, I was able to get out of my environment, focus solely on getting better, and not have to worry about school, friends, family, or work.

Did I still worry about these things? Of course! But the longer I was there, the easier it was to truly put my needs first. The people who I was in treatment with became my family. For the first time, I felt understood and not so alone. I was allowed to be my authentic self without judgment, criticism, or shame. We had each other’s backs. We laughed, cried, and learned to be vulnerable together. 

Residential treatment introduced me to twelve-step programs for eating disorders such as Eating Disorders Anonymous, Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, and Overeaters Anonymous. When I first heard about these programs, I thought, “Oh, h*ll no am I going to believe in God.” God gave my dad cancer and has caused all of these problems.

The admissions coordinator of the program told me I didn’t have to believe in God, I just had to have the desire to stop engaging in eating-disordered behavior. So with trepidation, I said “Fine” and trusted him.

Although I currently do not participate in any twelve-step program, I believe it is a foundation for my recovery. I spent three years attending meetings, working with a sponsor, sponsoring others, and doing the steps. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I was struggling with my eating disorder, I did not talk to anyone about it. At first, it was because I hadn’t admitted to myself I had an eating disorder, and then later because I was too ashamed to talk about it. I worried that no one else would understand. I feared that people would just judge me rather than listen or say “Just go eat a big steak” (and yes people would say that to me).

Once I got into recovery, I opened up to my close friends about it and went to twelve-step recovery meetings. Meetings were a space where I felt heard by others who had the same experience. It was game-changing to be able to call someone else in recovery any day, anytime if I felt triggered and not feel like a bother. 

As someone who identifies as a “talker,” I pretty much share most things about myself with others. I like talking so much I even talk in my sleep. Talking is one of the main ways I connect. For the most part, I don’t find it hard to share my struggles with someone else.

I also know that it feels very different to share something when I feel I’m in solid recovery versus when I’m actively in a battle with it. With 15 years of recovery, I don’t feel the shame that I once felt about myself and my actions which prevented me from opening up. 

Despite being in recovery for over a decade and feeling proud of myself for what I’ve overcome, there is still a small part of me that is scared for this article to be published. Will people judge me? Will people think differently of me? Will I be less credible as a therapist? What will family and friends say?

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

What I wish I realized earlier was that my body was never the enemy. I always thought that my body was against me. I was always fighting it- to be thinner, prettier, better. My body felt like the problem. In reality, my body was trying to protect me.

This may seem very counterintuitive, especially because anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. By restricting my food intake my body was protecting me from feeling. The less I ate, the less I felt. What I was feeling at the time felt too painful to endure so my body came up with a coping strategy to help me when I didn’t know what else to do.

Just because my body was trying to protect me doesn’t mean that it was okay or healthy for me to continue with my eating disorder. The reason this is important and I wish I would’ve understood this sooner was that I was fighting the wrong “battle.” The “battle” was never against my body.

My body was actually on my side but just went to extreme lengths to get its point across. My body was trying to help me cope with an underlying mental illness that was undiagnosed, untreated, and dramatically impacting my life.

Research shows that up to 97% of individuals with anorexia also have a mental health disorder. Only once my eating disorder was treated could I even begin to address the anxiety and depression fueling it. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Life Without Ed: This book helped me differentiate between my eating disorder voice and my own voice
• Milestones in Recovery: This is the residential treatment facility that I attended for 7 weeks
• Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous: This is a resource to find Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meetings near you or order the book.
• Eating Disorders Anonymous: This is a resource to find Eating Disorder Anonymous meetings near you or order the book.
• Overeaters Anonymous: This is a resource to find Overeaters Anonymous meetings near you or order the book.

Utilizing resources does not mean you are weak, rather it proves how strong and resilient you are. You don’t have to recover in isolation. I hope you can benefit from these resources or a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me by visiting my website, or on Instagram, LinkedIn or Facebook.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Residential Treatment Started My Healing Journey From Eating Disorders & Negative Body Image appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Your achievements despite your struggles?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello! I’m Monica from Zimbabwe. As I write this I just finished my oral exam for my final semester studying for my Bachelor’s Degree in Accounting and I thought I did so badly I cried…hahaha we all have those days

I’m single and taking advantage of the season to grow into a phenomenal woman. Though I’ve been crunching numbers, my first loves are public speaking and writing.

My life still comes with its set of challenges yet I wouldn’t change anything because I’m happy and you too can be so keep going.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Back in 2019 just as I had finished orientation as a new student at the university I developed psychosis and was later diagnosed with anxiety disorder. My family had no idea what it was and neither did I. During that time I couldn’t sleep for three days straight and I would sit up all night making study timetables for lectures that hadn’t even started.

Little did I know I was already sick. Being a Christian, I tried to find comfort in the Word but since I had already lost touch with reality I thought I was doomed and a bad child to my family. With all these thoughts my head began to pound and the headache wouldn’t stop. Sensing that something was wrong my mum would monitor me during the night.

When my mum offered me some pain relief pills, I refused because in my mind I thought they were sleeping tablets. I was so scared that she wanted me to sleep because I kept on talking and crying. That’s when she couldn’t take it anymore and called her sister who told her to take me to the hospital.

In the morning, I couldn’t bathe myself so my mum had to bathe a 19-year-old me. In my mind, I thought she would get rid of me because I didn’t want to go to school anymore. I told my siblings that I would be gone forever and they should tell people that they once had an older sister. My siblings began to cry. 

In all this, as I look back, it’s funny how I never thought of taking my life because if I did think of that I would have done that because I was delusional.

We got to the first hospital and the doctor just had one conversation with me and immediately gave my mum a psychiatrist’s card but we couldn’t afford it. I kept on talking to myself and my mum couldn’t shut me up. 

The reason I can remember all this is because it felt like my real self was pushed back and I was seeing all this happen. I had lost my mind and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get hold of myself. Deep down I felt myself desperately asking God to give me a second chance yet this thought was just for a split second. 

Back to the story, beginning to lose hope my mum took me to another clinic. When we got there, the nurses told my mum that my blood pressure was too high. They tested me for malaria and I tested negative.

As soon as I saw my mum get out to take a call from my dad who was already on his way back home, I rushed after her thinking she would leave me behind. I saw her crying on the phone and I didn’t feel any pity all I wanted was not to be left behind.

The nurses told us to go to the general hospital because they had a mental health department. After the doctor examined me, he prescribed medication that I don’t remember at that time and told us to come for review the following day. My aunt arrived at the hospital but I didn’t rush to greet her as I usually did. I ignored her because all I wanted to do was keep my eyes on my mum. 

Later I was to know my mum was just going to the pharmacy but in my mind, I thought she was leaving me. I ran after her and the guards thought I was running away. As I wrestled my way out of their grip this commotion only stopped when the doctor rushed over and shot me with a tranquilizer. When I awoke I was calm but still in my own world. I was taken home because there was only admission for adult

That night was the beginning of a nightmare. My mum had to feed me and watch over me as I slept because at one point I woke up and wanted to jump out of the window to leave the house. I’m glad now that my aunt, and my grandma all were there to help her as my dad was away because of work.

The following morning my Dad arrived and the moment he saw me, tears streamed from his eyes. That was the first and only time I had seen my Dad cry. 

The second review was to set the course for my recovery. If you are following closely you will recall the time that I mentioned we couldn’t afford a specialist psychiatrist and yet it turned out that for the review she was the one seeing me. Later I learned she also worked at this hospital aside from her private practice.

It truly was destiny and I’m still in touch with her even after she relocated to the UK. 

She immediately prescribed medication to reverse the side effects and that was the beginning of a series of therapy sessions for the next two weeks. Though the new medication was helping me get in touch with reality once more I had a difficult time opening up to her. 

Day by day she would talk to me to find out what had mentally strained me. When I was in her office time seemed to stop because it felt like she was in no rush to go anywhere. 

I began to share how my dreams of getting a first-class degree and making life better for my family weighed heavily on my shoulders. I was to start a degree program that my high school teacher told me I could never be able to do and her words were still fresh in my mind and weighing me down.

From being reviewed every day, I went back after two weeks and then a month. I was able to start school two weeks after everyone had started but I was able to catch up and passed my first semester. 

This was just August 2019 and so much more struggles and huddles that could only fit into a book have happened. I have a manuscript too because I want to share my story and inspire people. When the time is right, I know you will read it

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I often try not to think about how much I struggled when it came to friendships. I remember a guy I got along so well with telling me that my emotional struggles were taking a toll on him and that he didn’t want to be my friend anymore. 

He was the kind of friend who would encourage me but when the going got tough he left. So much more friends were like him but my best friend never left. She didn’t treat me any differently but she was sensitive to my depression and anxiety. 

It wasn’t clear to people at school but my family struggled because I once had been strong and bubbly yet all that crumbled. Even though it was tough on everyone close to me it made us draw closer to God and seek hope in Him. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

This story is starting to feel gloomy well not to worry I got so much better that I’m no longer on medication. I’m not back to my old self but I’m a new, burned, and purified fierce fighter. 

When I started recovering, I realized that I had lost myself during that time. Not in a bad way but I had lost my confidence, purpose, and hope. That was when I came across a purpose mentorship program by a Zimbabwean author, entrepreneur, and purpose mentor Ralph Kadurira who has still remained my mentor to this day.

The program was everything I needed to get back on my feet. 

It was the 3 months of rebirth through searching and discovering my purpose under his guidance along with 30 other young people. Though I had been recovering physically and doing well in school for the next 4 months, this was the point I began to recover emotionally. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I think my recovery was in stages and for every stage there were different things that helped me. 

At first, it was the medication that helped me. I was put on fluoxetine and sulpiride which I had to take for the rest of my life however depending on my recovery I could stop the medication even after 2 years but I stopped after 3 years. Later I changed from sulpiride to quetiapine and sometimes took clonazepam when necessary which was according to the doctor’s orders.

Being part of a mentorship program helped me to rediscover my purpose and shake off the feeling that I was worthless and would never amount to anything because of what had happened to me. There is so much stigma centered around people with lived experience which is mostly due to ignorance.

From there, my family is so prayerful that our hope and faith kept us going at times when we didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better. I’m a strong and confident person but I had lost all that. My parents struggled to see their daughter crumble but they realized that when life brings you to your knees after having done all you can what’s left is to pray. 

Doing things that I loved greatly encouraged me and excited me. In school volunteered to do presentations and would look for opportunities. While volunteering on a marketing team, my supervisor told me I could write really well and then introduced me to a freelance writer. I got the mentorship I needed to start fumbling my way through.

I started writing way back in high school by writing letters of encouragement to my friends and those who needed it. During the covid crisis, I came across an online writers’ mentorship program by a Zimbabwean author and publisher Faith Chipangura. During those 3 months with other 30 young aspiring writers, she taught me how to write my story and wear my scars with pride. 

I saved the best for last… My dad rears rabbits and I realized feeding rabbits and just talking to them made me feel so much better. I think having a pet is a great help too so consider getting a pet!

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Faith Chipangura taught me how to share my story comfortably and never be ashamed of my story. If not for her I wouldn’t be able to share my story. I was afraid of the stigma and my psychiatrist Doctor Ruwizhu talked to me about the benefits and downsides of sharing my story.

I felt comfortable talking to my family about my struggles though at first, I felt like I would burden them my Doc said if I don’t tell my family then who would help me? If I didn’t share it would eat me up.

The time I shared my struggles with colleagues was to encourage them and not to seek comfort or help. The thing is most people don’t know how to help so it was better not to tell them. When I did my internship I only told my supervisor who seemed to understand.

It wasn’t easy openly sharing my struggle but when I felt it would encourage someone I did. 

During covid, I was invited to talk about coping with depression and anxiety that’s when I realized that behind the stigma people are struggling too. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I had known that I could get better and learn to live with anxiety disorder. It would have made me accept myself instead of trying to get back to the person I was before the trauma. 

With my head hanging low I would say I wish someone else had shared their similar story with me to give me hope sooner:(

What were your achievements despite your struggles?

I could have easily let my condition get to me but I didn’t. It wasn’t easy yet I was able to do things that made me feel proud.

Firstly, I was able to do my internship without quitting while working in a big city away from home. I stayed with my aunt but the city was way out of my comfort zone

I started freelance writing in 2020 and currently work as a ghostwriter at The Urban Writers.

Sharing this was no show-off but a way of making you realize that no matter your struggle you can do whatever you dream of. It may take you longer than other people who seem better off but it doesn’t make you any less.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer really helped me take a stand against the negative thoughts which threatened to crush me.

The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren was the book that helped me start my journey of rediscovering my worth and finding my purpose.

Waiting and Dating by Myles Munroe helped me manage the changing dynamics of my friendships and deal with rejection by reminding me that I was still a phenomenal woman.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can get to know more about me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post A Purpose Mentorship Helped Me Overcome Anxiety Disorder and Psychosis appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Kelly Fabiano, and I currently live in Santa Clarita CA. I am the Founder and CEO of Life and Death with Kelly LLC. I’m a life coach and death doula.  

I am married and have two young children, a dog, and two cats. Joey, the oldest cat, is the OG of the household. She was here before the partner and kids.  

I consider myself to be human. I experience happiness a lot more than I have in my past! Life is messy, and I’m so grateful for that. As a death doula, I experience so much heartbreak alongside so much joy. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I have always struggled with mental illness. I was a mere 12 years old when I was first diagnosed with anxiety. However, anxiety has been my baseline. I learned to live with it…until I couldn’t.

Here I was, 33 years old, and three months postpartum with my second child, standing at my kitchen counter knowing that if I were left alone that night, I would die.

This was a different breed of anxiety. It took me down. I had never experienced suicidal ideation before. I am a fighter and have always been so proud of my resilience, but this was a whole different ball game.  Resilience is no match for suicidal ideation.

The first few months postpartum were bliss with my second child. I was keenly aware of the strong possibility I might develop a postpartum mental illness due to the fact I was already diagnosed with anxiety, and I had postpartum depression and psychosis with my first son.

So when I gave birth the second time around, and these weren’t present, I was so incredibly grateful.

It started to surface around my return to work. It started with small, out-of-character moments. I ran a red light on my way to pick my son up from daycare. I never ran red lights, and it was almost as if I forgot what a red light was when I did it. As if my brain was incapable of processing that it was a red light and I needed to stop.

Then it led to panic attacks.  If you’ve never had a panic attack before, I envy you.  They are brutal, and you can’t think or reason your way out of them. I had one proceeding that night at my kitchen counter.

That night, I was breastfeeding my infant, and he bit me. It was not the first time it’s happened, but it severed the string I was hanging on by. I handed them off to my partner, got in my car, and drove off.

On my drive, I began to have another panic attack. It was dark outside, and tears were streaming from my face, clouding my vision. I struggled to breathe. I couldn’t feel my face. Then, I started to lose feeling in my hands and feet.  

I called my sister, sobbing profusely. She stayed on the phone with me the whole way home. I heard zipping and drawers opening and shutting in the background. She was packing a bag.  

By a pure miracle, I made it home. I got out of my car and walked into the house. The kids were down, and I sent my partner out on an errand. I stood at my kitchen counter, and I realized that I couldn’t be trusted alone. I felt it in my bones. As much as I wanted to live more than anything, I knew I would not live if left alone. I had never been so scared of myself before.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I believe I addressed a lot of that in the previous answer (whoops!), but here is the reader’s digest version!

Postpartum anxiety stole my happiness. Every single ounce of it. It took everything from me. It took me away from myself.

I don’t think it was clear to my partner just how bad it was. He has never struggled with mental health issues personally. That’s why I called my sister. She knew, and I needed her.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

My sister and brother-in-law drove 5 hours down to LA in the middle of the night that night. That next morning, she insisted I get professional help. She accompanied me to a doctor and psychiatrist. She also worked on getting me into a mental health treatment center.

I was so afraid to go to treatment. I had just returned to work and felt terrible taking yet another leave. My sister truly helped me to see that it was ‘go to work and die’, or ‘go to treatment and live’. I chose life.

Those 90 days in treatment changed my life forever. I’m not waxing poetic here. It truly did. I wouldn’t have the life I have today without the healing I received there.  

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

For those of us that struggle with mental illness, I want you to know that you are not alone, and I’m sorry. It’s devastating to be at war with yourself.

I don’t think treatment is a one-size fits all solution, but I know that it changed everything for me. It helped me to come home to myself and to know that I’m worthy of taking up space in my own life. It’s okay for my health and happiness to come first.  

It also provided me with tools and support that I pull from to this day.  

And for all of those mamas out there struggling with postpartum mental illness – my heart breaks for you. You are loved, and you deserve all the support your heart can stand. This is not a battle we win alone.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I openly share my struggles with postpartum anxiety, depression, and psychosis. I think it’s crucial.  

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You deserve to take up space. Take up as much as you need.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about the work I do on my website, or you can follow me on Instagram!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Treatment Saved me From Postpartum Depression and Panic Attacks appeared first on Tracking Happiness.