Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Teresa Alesch and I’m from a small town in northwest Iowa, raised by the absolute best parents and along with three pretty okay siblings (kidding, kidding – they’re awesome, too), and now reside just 30 miles east with my husband, Cody, our two kids, Sacha-16 and Teague-14, and our four-legged canine child, Molly.

I love all things literature, art, music, health, and fitness, and enjoy exercising and taking ice baths (yes, you read that right—it started out as a challenge). My favorite time spent is the time with my family and watching my kiddos perform and compete in their academics, arts, and athletics.

Today, I am a Certified High Performance Coach, speaker, and author of Broken to Brave. Why this career? Passion. When we experience chronic stress, overwhelm, fatigue, and burnout, important areas of our lives unravel (health, relationships, productivity, task competency, etc.), draining us from truly living life and experiencing joy.

My passion is in helping high-achieving, hard-working women “Stress Less and Live More.” I help them take back control of their time, energy, productivity, and overall health and well-being through my Stress Less Live More program and high-performance coaching.

Before owning my own business, a health battle resulting in a referral to palliative care led me to resign from my 16-year career in education and school administration and take time off to focus on my health and family. Once back on my feet a few years ago, instead of going back into education, I pivoted into remote high-ticket sales, quickly moving from manager to director. It didn’t take long to realize I was out of alignment. I had so much to offer and could help people directly, according to my values. I wanted to live and lead with purpose.

So, my husband and I started our own company, providing motivational speaking and both high-performance and internal leadership coaching. We work with individuals, groups, and teams and have recently started working with students again. Currently, though, we are creating a program for parents called “Accidentally Disengaged: The Path to Becoming Intentional About What (WHO) Matters Most.” We only get one shot with our children.

Am I happy? Today, I am most definitely happy. I’ve risen above my circumstances and found the greatest joy in being present in the moment with my family and the people I choose to surround myself with. But “this” (happiness, life, goals, dreams) is not a destination, it’s a journey. I can say that I’ve found the tools and strategies I need to dance with adversity and walk off the dance floor holding my head higher than I did when my rock bottom “adversity” struck.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

My more recent struggle began with a diagnosis of cancer, and then evolved through a host of other traumas and physical, emotional, and mental battles. It wasn’t just the adversity, though. The pillars of my personality are deeply rooted…and involve a stubborn, independent, and highly sensitive child who felt like she never truly fit in.

I’ve always had multiple talents and passions—Jill of all trades, master at none, I guess? I couldn’t choose just one nor accept the traditional pathway through life. Wanting to experience it all, I’ve always strived toward something more. A calling, perhaps? As a young adult, it was confusing, isolating, and almost debilitating.

Without revealing who or exactly what, there was one particular individual in my past who had an effect on me that made me want their approval. And I believe that in part, this elusive pursuit of meaningless validation led me on a journey of self-discovery that colored my personality in more ways than one. But it also stunted my growth at the same time, making me self-conscious of the fact that I was a “horse of a different color.”

Perhaps many of us actually feel this way and I’m not so odd, after all? It’s fascinating how the facets of our personalities influence our journey. As for me, I believe not understanding and loving what set me apart led me on detours and self-degradation pit stops along the way. Not knowing which way was right, I did my best to fit into the “traditional” life route.

Back to more recent issues—they ebb and flow, a dance of depression, social anxieties, maybe a superhero complex, and for a brief but pivotal spell, suicidal ideation into action.

Let’s get to the heart of it, shall we?

In 2011, an aggressive, estrogen-driven breast cancer found me. I was in the midst of transitioning into the principalship early in my career. By the time we caught it, it was stage 3 and required a comprehensive and equally aggressive approach, beginning with chemotherapy to shrink the tumors before surgery. The first several weeks of chemo, I couldn’t eat and when I did, I struggled to keep it down. Everything tasted awful, even water. It also made me feel fat (bloated) and tired, and of course, I lost my hair. I kept working through most of it because I was too prideful to slow down.

After about four months of chemo, I had a double mastectomy and placement of breast implants, involving an expansion process where I felt an excruciating pain that knocked the wind out of me during each session we filled the expanders.

I could barely walk out of the clinic, and it took 24 to 48 hours to subside. That excruciating pain made me question whether or not “looking feminine” was worth it. These were the first of nine surgeries that would take place over the next nine years.

During my surgery, an unreal circumstance transpired—my dad was in the very same hospital, going through his own tests. He would also be diagnosed with cancer, stage 4 non-hodgkin’s lymphoma, just six months after me.

This likely happens more than we realize, but back then, cancer stories weren’t as pervasive or public. For us, it was surreal. The beginning of a string of traumas in my family that came to define us as fighters.

Throughout all of this, I presented myself as that fighter, a superhero. In my mind, my students, staff, husband, and kids counted on my strength. I set out to educate throughout my journey—writing, teaching, and sharing. My students even created a Team Alesch Facebook group for me to provide updates. They organized pinkouts and benefits in my honor. They literally colored the district pink. It brings tears just remembering.

Although I did share some of the vulnerable moments, I retreated, and mostly overshadowed the “darkness” with grit, smiles, and perseverance. I stopped short of truly processing the turmoil beneath the surface. I buried it.

Through it all, I was still a mom, a wife, a daughter, a principal… I had to keep going.

Remember that I felt different? Cancer brought this back. Up until that point, I had happily settled in as a school principal, finally in my element, working with teachers, students, parents, and community, striving together to create a culture of student engagement in the arts, academics, and athletics. I “fit in” here. Educational leadership suited me.

More and more, I felt “less than” in a diseased body. Damaged. Broken. Not good enough. Now enter “social anxiety.”

In all this, I haven’t even addressed my fears about my mortality. Mainly because they were in the shadows, only coming out at night to haunt me, when everyone else went to sleep.

Eight months after diagnosis, I moved on to the final stage of treatment, radiation. Besides fatigue, this was the most uneventful phase, as though preparing me for what was yet to come. And come it did. About 22 days after radiation, at Christmas time, in my abdomen, I started feeling pressure, pain, and a growing sense of fear. Tumors. Giant ones.

Soon after, I was slated for an emergency surgery where I wasn’t sure if I would wake up still a woman, in the way that mattered as a mother. The cancer had taken my hair. It had taken my breasts. It had put me through hell. It put me on medications that made me feel awful. It was this sick affair—I went to bed with it, woke up with it, it stole my time and my heart. Was it going to take my choice as a mother?

Looking back, we were blessed with a baby girl in 2007 and an unplanned baby boy in 2009. When I woke up from surgery, I leaned into those blessings more than ever because they had to take it all.

My ovaries housed grapefruit-sized tumors and my uterus was swollen. The tumors were benign; however, with the way estrogen attacks my body, my oncologists were not taking chances. Everything needed to go (a complete hysterectomy).

With my hormones in flux and everything catching up to me, a perfect storm storm was brewing. I needed it all to stop so I could catch my breath. Armor off, I was finally crying “UNCLE!” How tragically ironic this was…one year after my diagnosis (a few months after my hysterectomy), someone special to me (to all of us), our beloved Uncle Joe, passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack.

This was the kicker, the biggest blow of it all. Devastating at the time, between my cancer, my hysterectomy, all the side effects, and my father’s battle.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The hysterectomy and losing a loved one triggered my slip into depression. Deep depression. One that most, including myself, had no idea about because the one thing I was good at was putting on my mask each day.

I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time. I just felt like a failure for not being able to manage my physical, mental, and emotional health. I was unraveling.

Take into account that almost immediately after that surgery, hot flashes flooded in—four to six per hour, refusing me sleep. Hot flashes alone are maddening and enough to drive a woman to insanity (aside from all the other symptoms). I brought a change of clothes to work with me, they were so bad.

For humans in general, without quality sleep, everything else deteriorates. Including being able to cope with adversity—physical, mental, or emotional. Cognitively, my abilities to concentrate, focus, and be productive tanked.

My energy plummeted. I began questioning my intellect. I felt guilty for not being “better” in every area of my life. In some ways, I was furious that life went on for everyone around me, meaning, I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be more oblivious, if that makes sense. I wanted life to go on for me, too.

Are you getting the picture? Struggling, I could never get my body, heart, and mind to be in the same place at the same time. I was trapped in my own mind. I would be at home, either working, worrying about work, or wishing I had gotten more done at work. If work was where my mind was, then I was missing out on the LIFE right in front of me.

And that life included my children at the tender ages of two and four, my husband and our relationship and livelihood, and of course my parents and our extended family.

Flip that. Then, I would go to work, and the thoughts would perseverate, beating me down for not being more present with my loved ones. It was an endless cycle and devastating battle. I was living in past regret and frustration. I was living in future fear and worry. I was living anywhere and everywhere…but the present. The shame and guilt that comes with that takes its toll.

Anxiety became exaggerated, depression deepened, and I began questioning not just my purpose, but also my competence as a leader, administrator, wife, and most importantly, a MOTHER.

I told myself things like, ‘no me is better than the me they all are getting (especially my kids),’ and ‘they would be better off if I were one day replaced.’ I was okay with that. Welcomed it. Because in my increasingly warped mind, it made perfect sense…it was what was best for them, for everyone. For me.

I had no idea who I was anymore. I began imagining or daydreaming the easiest way to go, to leave this life behind. When I created those mental movies in my mind, I imagined “peace” on the other side of it, and the desire to feel peace once again became stronger and stronger, until one day after dropping my kids off at daycare, I almost followed through with an attempt.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

That was the moment. The moment when it was time to accept the shoes I’d been given and start walking, no matter how painful that was going to be. This part of my story is hard to tell. It took me an entire year to write this one chapter in my book, Broken to Brave: Finding Freedom from the Unlived Life. The chapter is the beginning of my book, but it’s called, “The End.” It’s how I introduce readers to my story.

Long story short, in a few brief breaths within my life’s journey, I found myself in my car with a bottle of pills. I don’t know if you believe in signs or messages from loved ones who have passed on, but something happened that I still struggle to process to this day. A beautiful cardinal landed on my passenger review window right in the “moment.” But it quickly flew away. So, although I thought it was a sign at first, I questioned if it was ever there at all.

Until it landed on the driver’s side rear-view mirror. I don’t know how to explain other than saying, at that moment, I woke up.

I had been numb for over a year. A waterfall of emotions flooded in. I realized that all of this (tragedy and pain) is not about me; it’s bigger than me.

And while I had been through hell, so many others have been and were going through, and will always be going through something so much worse. I knew in that moment, I needed to find my way back to my loved ones, to the present moment, and most importantly, to myself.

I needed to put the oxygen mask on myself before I could help anyone else. It would be a quest. And I knew it was going to be trying. But I needed to give it everything I had.

Needing help, I checked myself into a behavioral health center. Once there, I learned that my recovery would involve medication. I had been there and tried that (antidepressants), and I knew I wanted to try it without. So instead, I began seeing a therapist. The breakthrough was work but came when my therapist challenged me to tell my loved ones what I was REALLY going through.

I couldn’t. Instead, I cried. And cried. Although words come naturally to me, and I selectively journaled throughout my cancer journey, I couldn’t find the words to express my pain. This was my therapeutic turning point. The idea of unearthing that pain released the waterworks during that session.

For months, I had been denying the harsh reality of what my body went through, and how that impacted my sense of self, my hormones, my energy, my emotions, and my focus… I had been denying the loss of my uncle.

I know his passing hurt everyone. For me, the timing played a role. I grew up close to him, spending tons of weekends at his home, watching movies, making popcorn, and conquering Super Mario Brothers and Zelda. Uncle Joe was there for me always, especially during cancer, often taking me to chemo, radiation, my port surgery, and always with the family for the bigger surgeries.

I couldn’t accept that someone who was always there was no longer there.

For the first time, I was mourning his death. Seeing this opportunity, my therapist asked, “What if you told your story in the third person? Or write a piece about a character? Change her name. Tell her story.” And so I did.

When I shared this life-after-cancer story with my doctors, one suggested I publish it. Not just for inspiration but for survivors, future fighters, caregivers, and medical providers alike. Knowing people would know, I feared putting my “rock bottom” out there for people to read, and perhaps judge.

Would my competence be questioned? Could this “hot mess” perform at the levels required? Would I lose professional credibility? What if my closest family and colleagues felt responsible, like they had missed warning signs?

But those questions ultimately led me to find the value in sharing what I had been and was still silently battling through.

What if it could prevent someone else’s journey from taking the destructive twists and turns mine had? What if it could help caregivers and medical providers anticipate the road ahead and help the survivor navigate? What if MY journey could have been a little smoother because I had read or heard about someone else’s journey?

Before I knew it, I was on a path to publishing. Except. When my future publisher read my story about this “character who had been to hell and back,” he said it was great! Just not the story he wanted to publish. He said MY story needed to be told and then worked with me to make that vision a reality.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Quickly, before I get into the rainbow after the storm…

In addition to cancer’s aftermath, the surgeries, and all the medication, a host of auto-immune issues plagued me. From skin breakouts, to puffiness and discoloration in the face and eyes, to inflammation throughout the body to strange and unexplainable allergic reactions, to sinus infections and colds, to extreme fatigue and mental fog, to herniated discs, to further bouts with depression… my doctors (including oncology and specialist) could not get to the bottom of it all.

All of those symptoms added new levels of self-consciousness, frustration, depression, and anxiety, depending on the day. In 2019, oncology referred me to Palliative Care. I don’t know what you think of when you hear that terminology, but I think of “end of life” care. In essence, it means to sustain one’s quality of life.

What my doctors were saying was, “We can’t figure out what’s wrong… so, we want to involve some other specialists to at MINIMUM, sustain your quality of life.”

What I heard was, “We give up. Good luck.” I know that’s not the reality of the situation… or was it? I’ll never know.

Back against the wall, I made the somewhat crazy decision at just 40 years old, to resign from my career in education to focus on my health and my family. So many people in my life, to this day, don’t know about this aspect of my journey.

By this point, I was starting to feel like a failure again; yet, I couldn’t accept that this was all the better I was going to feel. I knew if I wasn’t careful, hopelessness would start creeping in.

Another blessing. A few months later, my sister (who would soon face her own stage 3 cancer battle) stumbled upon a Facebook post that described my situation to a T.

I was rejecting the implants and needed them out, immediately. Three surgeries (explant plus DIEP flap reconstruction) proved to be the springboard to overcoming all of the autoimmune issues weighing me down. Lifesaving.

So, how did I find my way back to the present moment? And how did I begin rebuilding my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health? Outlets.

Creative outlet

Perhaps one of the most therapeutically impactful actions I took was writing my book. That outlet was crucial to my healing.

When the house was quiet, super early in the morning or in the evening after the kids went to bed, I would make some hot tea, light a candle, put my headphones on, play some calming and inspiring instrumental music, and either meditate, pray, or write.

Spiritual outlet

Faith carried me through a great deal. Not always in the traditional, “attend church every day and twice on Sundays” sense, but in connecting with God through prayer, music, and writing, as well as finding a sense of gratitude and calm in being content within the energy of my soul.

With this, I learned about the power of visualization and manifestation, and practiced all of the above.

Physical outlet

I turned to exercise and a variety of workouts, such as walking, running, Insanity, P90X, and CrossFit. I fought through fatigue and challenged my body to improve itself, regardless of the symptoms I faced. I also learned about and practiced breathwork to increase my energy throughout the day.

On days when I struggled, I didn’t chastise myself. I made a point to get some movement in, and I patted myself on the back for the small win in the bigger picture.

Self-development outlet

I enrolled in programs from motivational speaking to high-performance habits to writing and editing to entrepreneurial to educational leadership. I became certified in leadership, high performance, and life coaching programs, not just to be a better leader and manager at work, but also to better manage myself.

I put myself on stage and published my book to help others. Challenging my brain to learn something new made me feel as though I was gaining back my “it” factor when it came to my cognitive quickness.

High-Performance coach outlet

I worked with a high-performance coach who helped me to:

• Isolate what I could control and let go of what I couldn’t;
• Clarify my identity and vision for my future;
• Gather a baseline in 12 key life areas and set goals for where I wanted to be;
• Inspect my schedule and routines to increase productivity;
• Optimize my time by redefining my values and priorities, then aligning how I was spending my time with what was truly important to me;
• Review my habits (including self-limiting beliefs) and identify what was working and what wasn’t, removing what wasn’t serving me;
• Gradually build in high-performance habits to overcome my health issues and move toward optimal health and wellness. 

When we inspect our thoughts, habits, and routines, we might find a great deal of misalignment that’s causing us to miss opportunities. I was trapped in this vicious cycle of living in past regrets and future worries, missing out on key moments and joy with my family.

Therapy outlet

The therapists I worked with were incredible (one was career-based, the other cancer). The most impactful strategy was writing my story from the third-person perspective. This freed me to explore my pain, but from a safe distance. In my book, I referred to this as “unlocking brave.”

Forgiveness outlet

Another key, the mortar to the bricks, was learning to give myself permission to fail, to fall off the exercise wagon, to feel crummy and just lounge all day on a Saturday, instead of cleaning the house, which desperately needed it, etc.

Taking time to rest, recover, and recharge when you feel like you should be working is incredibly challenging! But the work will be there. Let go of the guilt and shame. Life is too short. It’s not worth it.

Help outlet

Although accepting help sometimes felt unnatural, I needed it (my family needed), and we were surrounded by it. Whether family, friends, colleagues, students, or community, I had a wealth of people supporting me throughout my battles, from “D Day” and onward.

Without these inspiring and generous supporters, I don’t believe I would be here today, and be here as strong, healthy, and happy as I am. If you are reading this, you know who you are. THANK YOU.

Relationship outlet

This one is the most simple. Focus on and connect IN THE PRESENT moment with those who matter most. This is what life is all about.

We all know too well—people are with us one moment and gone the next, kids grow up before our very eyes, and if we aren’t careful, we might look back and realize that we were distracted with thoughts, activities, and work that didn’t matter. Live, love, and lead with purpose, and cherish your loved ones.

These outlets make up the initial bricks in rebuilding my life. Because it significantly improved my life, I layered in more high-performance coaching and continued learning breathwork and meditation for resetting and reenergizing myself. Recently, I’ve added ice baths (cold immersion) into my daily routine, giving the most shocking results of all!

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Yes, and no. I resisted because I wanted to be that unbreakable superhero. With loved ones, I didn’t want them to see or feel my pain. And sharing felt akin to admitting a decline in my cognitive abilities and thus accepting failure. It felt insurmountable.

There’s something else. Full transparency, I worried a few specific people would consider me a victim and talk behind my back. Spoiler. They did, and it hurt. But—their words were none of my business (which took me a long time to get). If you’ve experienced a similar conflict, remember: 

1. None of us are perfect; we are all human, flawed, and have weak moments where we think or say something hurtful, hold grudges, judge, gossip, etc. 
2. Someone else’s behavior says more about them than it says about you. It’s possible they are going through something that has nothing to do with you.
3. It’s time to let it go. Broken relationships can be one of the most unexpected obstacles to happiness because the pain and hurt linger. Consider forgiving yourself and them, if even only in your heart.
4. Your life’s path is yours. Theirs is theirs. Live and let live. Shine brighter to overcome any darkness creeping in, and fill your inner circle only with kind and uplifting people.

Over time and especially after the car incident, I became more authentically vulnerable and stopped sugarcoating. I told myself if I could help just one person, the journey and the fear of sharing would be worth it.

From my journal entries on Facebook and Caring Bridge to publishing my book to motivational speaking, I began receiving messages from people who were struggling. I knew I needed to continue sharing and owning “my ripple” (as in my impact on others).

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

SINGLE? Oh, jeez. LOL! My poor brain can’t narrow it down.

Helping others through their journeys helped me accept mine. It provided the key for me to walk through the door of true healing and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual recovery. Life was not happening to me. It was happening for me to live, love, and lead with purpose. Ugh. I can’t limit it to just one.

The next key is in the two G’s—gratitude and grace. Finding gratitude in the small things shifts perspective, and giving ourselves grace (as opposed to self-destructive judgment) when we have human days and setbacks help us to stay the course.

The third key is accepting that to move forward, we have to move. We can’t take back control and move forward while in a passive state. We must take action—no matter how tired we feel, how much pain we are in, how scared we are, or how skeptical we are that we can feel better. It’s as simple as that.

Finally, each of us has one lifetime–that’s IT, just ONE! Although we don’t know how long that is, we each have the opportunity to make the most of it and be a positive force within our family, our community, and the world at large. We don’t want to look back and realize we missed life right in front of us. All we have to do is own our comeback and own our ripple.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

So many books inspired me; however, it’s more than just the books! Most of these books led me to purchase their courses, conferences, and coaching. What you put in your mind is just as important as what you put in your body. Feed your body, mind, and spirit the good stuff. Immerse yourself in people, words, and wisdom that inspire you to move forward.

• High Performance Habits by Brendon Burchard: This has been the most impactful. It led me on a complete journey (from book, to course, to coaching) to not just performing but sustaining performance at high levels, leading to a sustained improvement in my overall health, well-being, productivity, and relationships.
• The Man on the Mountaintop by Susan Trott and Libby Spurrier: I loved this so much that I wrote a review. It’s an uplifting parable about modern-day pilgrims bringing a multitude of modern-day problems, sorrows, and grievances. It’s full of life lessons that had me giggling, crying, and shuddering, over and over again. I completed it in one sitting. I had to.
• The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins: This is a powerful technique to trick, or distract your brain rather, from procrastinating. There’s more to it, but in its simple form, count “5-4-3-2-1,” then do whatever it is you are putting off. Don’t think, just do.
• Make Your Bed by William H. McRaven: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.” I walked away with a mantra and routine from reading this book. I originally watched his commencement speech, which this book delves deeper into the 10 core tenets he goes through. Essentially start the day out with a win, and everything else is a bit easier. It’s part of the reason I take ice baths every day!
• Your Secret Name & The Deeper Path by Kary Oberbrunner: With Your Secret Name, I learned to accept myself, for who I really am, despite the pain and despite the fear. With the Deeper Path, I delved into my purpose and owning who I am.
• The Introvert’s Edge by Matthew Pollard: This is more of a business book but it was powerful for me when I started retreating into my shell. It helped me with confidence and made me feel less alone. So, if you are someone who is in business or sales, this book could be helpful for you.
• Stress Less, Accomplish More by Emily Fletcher: Emily was my introduction to meditation. I started out with her book and then progressed to taking her online video course. It was incredibly powerful for me to learn how to slow down and disconnect (yet connect at a deeper and more meaningful level). It helped me to rest (take a powerful 5 to 15-minute meditation nap) during the day and get to a deeper sleep more quickly at night. I recommend the audiobook; she’s easy to listen to!
• Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza: I became curious about Joe Dispenza’s (neuroscientist) work after seeing him on YouTube. He has a powerful story about the power of the mind and essentially healing himself after a serious injury paralyzed him and he found himself face down in a hospital bed for weeks/months. I learned about something he called Mind Movies and Walking Meditations.  
• The Urban Monk by Pedram Shojai: This book helped me to get back to the basics. Regardless of the circumstances, and mine were pretty rotten at times, I worked toward grounding myself and resetting my nutrition, exercise, and sleep habits. It had all sorts of activities, exercises, and mediations. Just writing this makes me want to go through it again. I listened to this one on Audible. 
• Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer: Wayne Dyer is an absolute joy to listen to. It breaks down the ancient works and wisdom of Lao-tzu, presenting it in a way that’s relevant to today’s modern world. It’s hard for me to put into words the peace, calm, and purpose I felt when listening to his books. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Let’s connect wherever you spend your time! Fee free to send me a DM—just let me know you learned about me on Tracking Happiness!

• Teresa Alesch Website: You can learn more about my book, my story, and my life after cancer work here.
• Broken to Brave Book: You can go directly to it here on Amazon! 62 5-star reviews out of 62!
• Instagram: So much goodness coming.
• Facebook-Personal: Most active here.
• Facebook-Professional: My author, coach, and speaker page.
• YouTube: Just preparing to begin posting daily, starting with our ice bath journey! Feel free to follow along.
• The Live More Journey website: Coming soon (temporary holding page)! It is here that you will be able to learn more about our courses, coaching, and speaking.
• Stress Less Live More Free Facebook Group: Anyone looking for a community to learn and grow is welcome to join us!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Lifechanging Cancer Journey and How I Recovered as a Stronger Woman appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Richard R. Becker. I’m an author living in Las Vegas.

I’ve lived here a long time, but I’m not a native. My grandparents raised me for ten years in Wisconsin. When my grandmother started to lose her battle with cancer, it was decided I would be reunited with my mother, who had remarried and had my sister. We moved to Las Vegas in the late 70s, early 80s by way of Minneapolis.

I left Las Vegas immediately after high school to attend college in Southern California before transferring to the University of Nevada, Reno. I eventually moved back in 1991.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I was able to start a wildly successful writing services and communication firm that worked with thousands of companies and nonprofits. Some of them were even Fortune 500 accounts.

During this time, I’ve concurrently worked as a journalist, communications director, and professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. I’ve also served on a state commission and currently serve on a city commission. Two years ago, I began my literary career with a collection of short stories. More recently, I’ve launched a debut novel. 

I’m married and have two amazing children. My son recently graduated from college and began his career in Reno, Nevada. My daughter is enjoying her senior year in high school. She serves on the student council and plays travel softball. I help out, too. I’m the assistant coach of her high school softball team.

As a family, we love traveling, art museums, and live theater. I also have interests in fitness, hiking, horseback riding, parks, and photography.

I am definitely a positive person who has joy in my heart. I’m very grounded with who I am as a person and the choices I’ve made to get here. It feels like it took forever, but I’m starting to live the life I adore — one I could have never imagined!

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

I’ve lived with a chronic identity crisis, which sometimes manifests as anxiety and depression. I struggled with it for as long as I can remember. 

An identity crisis is generally defined as a period of uncertainty or confusion in someone’s life, most likely triggered by a trauma. In my case, I’ve moved from one trauma to another for the past 50 years, applying partial Band-Aids along the way. 

It doesn’t matter how successful you are. It doesn’t matter how valued others say you might be. It doesn’t matter how many accolades you receive. You still feel like you are failing, unloved, and worthless — like the bottom will drop out after every success and everything will be lost.

My biological father died in a car accident when I was two years old, which is why I lived with my grandparents. My mother, who was 17 when she had me, wasn’t equipped to raise a child and abandoned me in their care while she figured it out. 

It was an at-risk household. We were poor, and my grandmother was dying of cancer the entire time I lived with them. To make matters worse, I was born with club feet. It contributed to early social and educational challenges that stunted my ability to ever feel like I belonged anywhere. 

When it seemed my grandmother would die, my mother and her new husband asked if I wanted to visit them for the summer. The visit wasn’t a vacation. It was permanent, and my grandmother died a little more than a year later. I was frequently told my grandmother was only hanging on to care for me. So when I moved away, she lost her will to live. 

Living with my mother was a disaster. I was provided for and, in some ways, benefited from moving into something more akin to a middle-class family. But the trade-off wasn’t worth it. My mother believed that my grandmother had spoiled me.

She feared I would turn out like my father, whom she resented. She harbored animosity toward me for ruining her life as a teenager, and after taking me into her household as a ten-year-old.

She set out to break the fragile sense of identity I had cobbled together. Her psychological abuse included long periods of silent treatment, frequent room confinement (once for a month, with everything stripped from the room), public humiliation, threats of being sent to juvenile detention camps without cause, demeaning talents, taking possessions, manipulating other family relationships, and generally dismissing me and my feelings because I had no value. What was worse was that I believed I deserved all of it. 

My primary motivation for attending college was to move out as quickly as possible. I was terrified I wouldn’t be accepted. What I didn’t know was the damage would follow me throughout my life, constantly trying to prove that she was wrong — and more correctly, trying to prove to myself that she was wrong. Because honestly, I believed her. I was worthless and wouldn’t add value anywhere or to anyone.  

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

There was this idea that my father’s car accident was not an accident — that he purposefully veered off the road in Florida at high speeds and hit a tree so hard that the body couldn’t be identified. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. He had attempted suicide before, driving a car into a wall. 

Growing up with the notion that your father may have committed suicide puts that option squarely in your lap. As a teenager, I engaged in self-harm, risky behaviors, and contemplated suicide. I often felt alone, sad, and guilty for things beyond my control, including being alive and a burden.

I didn’t think anybody would miss me if I wasn’t around. I was scared because my mother had diminished the one talent I thought I had, which was an artistic talent. I had no faith in my abilities. I didn’t think I would outlive my father. He died at 19.

College wasn’t much different. I outlived my father, but I was still living two lives. In one life, I was working hard to pay my way, making new friends, and maintaining excellent grades. In the other, I played a part, got into fights, and drank until I blacked out. Even after college, I felt like I was chasing success and failure at the same time.

Nobody knew how I felt. Most people only saw me as one of the most driven, self-assured people they knew. Their belief in me only made me feel worse because I was certain I would let them down. It was only a matter of time. My only reprieve was alcohol. I drank the pain away.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

My initial reaction to this question was to say no. There was not a single moment when things started to turn around for me because there were several pivotal points in my life, independent traumas, that were important steps in my climb toward salvation.

But there was a crystallizing moment when everything came together. I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago. A few months before surgery, I came to this revelation that the quantity of time we have is not as important as the quality. 

We always want more of it. We rarely use it wisely. And most of us sell it for far too cheap.

It was also the first time in my life that I looked at myself — what I had experienced, overcome, accomplished, and shared with others — and recognized that I had done enough. I had lived a full and ultimately rewarding life. I wanted more time with my wife and kids, sure. But I was satisfied with myself, not as a measure of some success, but as a person.

What I didn’t know at the time was how much I needed to find this resolve. All the trials I had endured, books I had read, and mentors I had trusted. All of it, along with surviving cancer, gave me the strength I needed to weather what came next.

We lost four family members over the last decade — the most challenging of which included a battle for guardianship to save my paternal grandmother’s life (which failed) and a subsequent struggle to preserve her legacy (which partly failed).

As if that wasn’t enough, as those battles ended, I had to step up and help my mother transition to assisted living after she suffered a major stroke. While I had previously forgiven her, new wounds were inflicted. But I quickly forgave her for those too. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Developing a solid identity took years, partly because I didn’t know that was what I was doing. As a result, every step felt like overcoming the struggle until a subsequent trauma would destroy my progress. 

I may have found a resolution sooner had the solutions come quicker. But because I hadn’t identified the problem, I suppose they couldn’t. 

The first bit of advice that helped me came from a colleague. He was a mentor in the communication field named Keith Sheldon. Shortly after incorporating my business, I doubted my identity as a new executive. 

Keith was instrumental in teaching me that we are not our labels. There wasn’t any difference between the freelance writer I was and the entrepreneur I became. It might sound simple, but it’s a challenge for many people.

We have this image of the perfect spouse, parent, employee, or whatever, but we never feel we can measure up to that ideal person. But people don’t want the ideal spouse or parent or whatever. They want the best for us, not some label we’ve adopted. 

Keith wasn’t the only mentor I was blessed to have crossed my path. During one family crisis, stress shaved 30 pounds off me in three weeks. While some people might be happy about that, I was already lean. So, I hired a personal trainer named Nelson Ellis, Jr. to help me properly rebuild my health.

After a few weeks of venting during our workouts, he suggested I take a break from all the problems going on when I was at the gym. I listened, and it gave me a safe place for the first time in my life. 

During another personal crisis, after discovering a good part of what I was told about my childhood was untrue, I began picking up little bits of wisdom from various authors. One of the first to significantly impact my life was Thomas Hora, the founder of metapsychiatry.

His book Beyond The Dream and others helped me find a foundation to build upon. Along with Hora, I also read Ask The Awakened by Wei Wu Wei and On Having No Head by Douglas Harding. 

The latter two books derive their ideas from Zen Buddhism, Taoism, and other Eastern philosophies. Surprisingly, reading them helped me reconnect to my faith as a Christian. Faith has become an essential cornerstone in who I am today and why I carry joy in my heart. 

Looking back, it’s easy to see how each of these things became a pillar in my life: intellectually, physically, and spiritually. All of them are so important in finding peace, assurance, gratitude, and love. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

This is the first time in my life that I have openly shared the story about my struggle with anyone. When friends, family, or colleagues read this article, I suspect most will be shocked. Even with friends and mentors who have helped me, I limited what I shared and when I shared it because it ran contrary to the identity I projected. 

When feelings of vulnerability and betrayal are the norm, opening oneself to risk doesn’t come easy. I can only talk about it now because I don’t feel like I have anything to lose or that anyone can hurt me knowing what I experienced. I’m hoping that being open with my struggle will help other people who feel confused about who they are or uncertain about their value. 

I recently wrote a debut novel, Third Wheel. It’s fiction, but the protagonist and I do share some life experiences. Specifically, I used my childhood as his framework. It was challenging and liberating at the same time. In the book, the character learns that it is never too late to change direction. The question is whether or not he is able to do it in time. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Properly identifying the problem is a pivotal part of overcoming any struggle. I spent many years believing that my treatment growing up was deserved and that my fragile identity was just indicative of being deficient. I used to joke about it — defending how I was treated by my mother as evidence of something being wrong with me. 

Only after I spent years confronting symptoms did I eventually recognize the problem. I carried so much self-doubt and sought affirmation because I did not have an internal sense of self. It didn’t matter how much I accomplished or how many people I helped. I only measured positive outcomes by how others perceived and recognized me or my actions.

The sooner we let go of labels, expectations, or the pain of past experiences, the sooner we will feel joy in our hearts. There are many ways to lighten the load. Meditation, contemplation, communication, and forgiveness can all play a role in recovery. Don’t wait. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I have a go-to list of books that I sometimes share with other people who are struggling to find themselves. Collectively, they helped me shed the labels assigned to me in the past and the labels people prescribed for me in the future. We don’t need any labels.

• Beyond The Dream by Thomas Hora. It helped me learn how to live life as more than a nonparticipating observer. There is truth to his thesis that all problems are psychological, and all solutions are spiritual. How we choose to see the world directly influences how we feel about it.  
• Ask The Awakened by Wei Wu Wei. It taught me that the easiest way to get rid of a negative self-view is to recognize that there is no “self” — at least not one defined by trite labels like a “good son” or “successful person.” 
• On Having No Head by Douglas Harding. It helped me understand how what we allow to appear in our consciousness is how we experience the world — unless we start to understand how to look inside ourselves first. There is more to us than our behaviors. 
• The Philosophy of Andy Warhol by Andy Warhol. There is a piece of wisdom in here that I always found comforting. He mentions that all of us have painful experiences. So what? It’s a great reminder that the past doesn’t have to influence our future. 
• “What Do You Care What Other People Think?” by Richard P. Feynman. He is an exceptional example of a Nobel Prize winner who always blazed his own path and never took what others laid down first as fact. He also reminds us that the more we know, the less we know. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

The easiest place to learn more about me and connect is by visiting my Biosite, which includes links to my author page, blog, website, and most social networks. You can also look for my novel, Third Wheel, on Amazon and anywhere books are sold.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Navigating a Lifelong Identity Crisis and Finally Finding Happiness in Myself appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, My name is Chiara Howard (pronounced SHE-AIR-A) and I live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

I’m married to the love of my life with three children that keep me busy: a 19-year-old daughter, a 14-year-old son, and a 9-year-old son who loves sports just as much as his old man. We are a close family that loves spending time together playing games, going on road trips, or just hanging out watching TV. 

I love taking road trips across the country, roller skating, watching football games with friends, and attending WWE events whenever possible. Traveling has always been an important part of my life since it gives me the opportunity to discover new places and experience different cultures. 

I have become even more appreciative of life and try to take each day as an opportunity for personal and professional growth. Although there are often stressful times in life, I try to embrace them with a positive attitude because it helps me stay focused on achieving goals that will benefit my family’s future.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggled with depression and anxiety for almost two decades. I started to feel the symptoms of depression in 2000 when I was 19 years old. At first, it was just a feeling of sadness that would come and go at random times, but eventually, it became more consistent and started to affect my life in more ways than one.

My depressive episodes would add up over time and become more intense. I would start to feel out of place, like nothing I did mattered or made a difference.

I also began to experience feelings of hopelessness, isolation, worthlessness, and anger. These feelings made it difficult for me to concentrate on simple tasks or even have conversations with other people.

My anxiety then developed as a result of these depressive episodes, making it hard for me to be around large groups or social settings due to fear of judgment or rejection from others.

On some days, this struggle can be overwhelming and can make daily life very difficult. But on other days, I take comfort in knowing that there are resources available for help such as therapy or medication if needed; as well as support from friends and family who are always there for me when I need them most.

As time goes on, my resilience grows stronger and the impact of my depression and anxiety has lessened significantly over the years.

Some backstory for my anxiety:

In 2015, I quit my full-time job to move my grandmother into our home and take care of her. She was diagnosed with Cancer twice, the last time was in March 2018 when the doctor told me “There is nothing else we could do for her”. Two days later, I received a phone call at 11:30 am from the nurse and my grandmother that she would be discharged today and that I should come by around 2 pm.

At 12:35 pm, I received a frantic call from the nurse, My grandmother is spitting up blood and I need to get there as soon as possible. She will probably need to be intubated. A ten-minute drive felt like an eternity. When I arrived at her room there were 10 nurses and doctors talking. The nurse told me they were cleaning her up. I said, okay. Then another nurse said, “I am so sorry”

I said sorry for what? She said, “she passed away, no one told you?”

I was in complete shock. What do you mean she died? I just talked to her an hour ago and she was being discharged in a few hours. How is this possible?

This was extremely devastating because my grandmother raised me since I was 5 years old and to me, she was my mother. 

This experience, which I have not gotten over, still impacts me every time I go to get a CT scan. That I will hear those same dreaded words that her doctor told me that day “There is nothing else they could do”.

It haunts me to this day, knowing that I am also battling cancer.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

When I received the call from my doctor on a beautiful June day, fear took over and everything seemed to stand still. My life drastically changed in an instant as they uttered those words that no one ever wants to hear: “I’m sorry, you have cancer“. 

In this moment of shock and confusion, it was like all of my senses were heightened, much more aware than before, almost wanting me to savor every single thing around me for what could be possibly the last time with clarity. Birds chirping away in nearby trees; details of a wooden fence becoming uncovered; the scent of summer air floating through the atmosphere…

Knowing there is strength found in unity during tough times such as these, I broke down into tears when telling my husband about being diagnosed with cancer. With his loving embrace, he held tight whilst reassuringly repeating ‘we got this’ – together we can fight any battle!

On August 27th of 2021, my health took a sharp turn for the worse. I was suddenly rushed to the ER with oxygen levels at 70%, I had fluid around my lungs. When consciousness returned after an uncertain week in ICU.

It was only then that everyone around us learned about our secret struggle with cancer. Despite my anxiety about facing questions without answers prior to this fateful day, hindsight has taught us not to underestimate the power of sharing one’s story even amidst doubt or fear.

This lesson couldn’t have been clearer months after my discharge. My, then eight-year-old told my husband “it really hurt that you didn’t tell us mom was sick”. 

It was at that moment we realized without even a warning, my three children could have lost their mother. Never would have had the chance to say goodbye or cherish the last moments.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After a lengthy battle with cancer, my journey was made even more difficult by the added stress of acid reflux and esophageal achalasia. Three months went by in which I had to struggle through each day just to keep down any food that entered my system at all. 

As things seemed their bleakest, January 2022 brought me solace when I received an innovative feeding tube solution–giving me much-needed nutrition while simultaneously fighting off depression looming over every corner of life.

After three long, yet victorious months consisting mostly of patience and dedication, May 2022 saw one final victory: being able to take out this feeding tube once again after finally regaining enough strength on my own!

In July 2022, I was dealt a heartbreaking diagnosis, my CT scan revealed enlarged lymph nodes. Chemo wasn’t the right option for me and we had to explore new treatments, namely the immunotherapy drug Keytruda. My insurance wouldn’t cover the medicine; so when Merck offered free access to their medication I felt beyond grateful for their generosity. 

In January 2023, I was gripped with fear as I prepared for a CT scan that could determine my fate. With thoughts of suicide running through my head and concerns about my Keytruda treatment not being effective, it felt like an eternity before the results came back.

But at 3 pm on the very same day, joy washed over me when I heard from the doctor. Her judgment had come swiftly: My lymph nodes looked great; she was pleased with how things were going and we would continue using Keytruda! It’s impossible to put into words what kind of relief this news brought after so much anxiety and uncertainty.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Talking with my husband about my thoughts of suicide helped me express myself and share my fears and concerns. We talked in a way that broke things down.

After a therapy session, my therapist suggested that I really take time to go through some helpful worksheets that helped me understand the cognitive distortions that I was experiencing. 

When I realized what I was thinking was not rational, it was very interesting to see on paper how my thoughts were controlling me with fear and anxiety.

Praying and talking with God also helped me deal with going to the CT scan and getting through this process on my own. 

Now, whenever I’m feeling down or overwhelmed by life’s challenges, I know that immersing myself in something meaningful is the best way for me to take care of myself mentally and spiritually.

This has helped me develop resilience against any adversities that come my way throughout this journey called life!

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I only shared this with my husband and a close friend. I did not want to talk to family and friends about this situation.  I feel like they have their own problems and I do not want to bother them with how I am feeling battling cancer. It is also very hard for people to relate to what you are going through. 

I do find it hard to talk about mental health struggles. You always get the same unwanted and ignorant advice from family and friends: 

• “You shouldn’t feel that way, look at your beautiful family.”
• “Those traumas happened in the past, you need to get over them.”

With such a common term as ‘depression’ being thrown around casually, it’s important to understand the gravity of this mental health issue. What often is mistaken for bad days can be much more than that. And when someone you care about has been diagnosed with depression, it’s essential to take time to make sure you truly grasp what they are going through.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Know your body and trust in yourself. 

In March 2021, I experienced a terrifying episode of difficulty breathing that prompted me to visit the ER. After consulting with several specialists and having an extensive biopsy five three later in June 2022, it was confirmed to be cancer!

Looking back on this journey reminds me how important it is to listen to our bodies when something just doesn’t seem right. 

If I had not listened enough for my warning signs earlier on, things might have become much more dire than they were.

With this story comes one single reminder: advocate for yourself if you sense anything out of the ordinary happening within your body – trust those gut instincts! You could be saving your own life.

With that said, I also want to share that you are not alone.

It is important to get the help and resources that you need to deal with mental health. Share your feelings with your family, friends, doctor, therapist, etc.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

There were no resources that helped me, except reading the daily prayers on my bible plan app YouVersion.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

If you want to learn more, I’m blogging on my website The Hacking Of Life. Or you can follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn, or Facebook!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Struggle With Depression, Anxiety and Cancer and How I’m Coping With it appeared first on Tracking Happiness.