Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hey, I’m Drew and I live in Brighton, down on the south coast of England with my amazing wife and two children. Nice to meet you. 

I’m a copywriter in advertising for a big agency in London, which means I come up with the concepts for adverts. On the whole, it’s a fun job as sometimes I’m paid to think about what the talking dog is going to say in the ad, though it can be long hours.

I don’t find it too stressful though, even when everyone around me is flapping, as I think my life experiences put the deadlines of advertising into perspective. 

Beyond my family, my biggest passion is the guitar and music. The guitar is the place I go to whenever I have a spare minute and it never lets me down.

I feel incredibly lucky that I have something that is endlessly fun, relaxing, and joy-giving. And I have a really deep love of listening to music, though I guess that’s the same for anyone, right?

Music’s always been where I go when something’s off. Sometimes I can hear a song and it connects with me in ways words could never do, and it can release something or enable me to understand something, without being able to articulate it. 

I consider myself to be a happy person. I’m very laid back, and as I’ve said, I don’t find the little things in life to be stressful. The key for me is that I’m extremely happy in my home life and love my family so much.

I just love spending time with them and am so grateful for the joy they bring me. I just wish I could spend more time with them sometimes, and not have to work so many hours. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My dad died when I was 11. Which triggered depression and anxiety through my teens and early 20s.

He died of cancer, really suddenly. My parents were divorced and it was the summer holidays just before I started high school. I was on holiday with my mum and aunty and I tried calling my dad from the foyer of the hotel (long before mobile phones) – but it kept ringing out. And then after a few days, the line was dead, and the receiver left off the hook. 

When I got home my mum took me to see him, and he took a while to answer the door in his dressing gown. He apologized for not answering the phone and said he’d been too sick, but that he’d be fine. I hugged him and left with my mum, who was waiting in the car.

Something didn’t feel right, maybe the way he hugged me a little more gingerly than he normally would. I can still picture him clearly in his dressing gown from the height of my eleven-year-old self. That was the last time I saw him. 

He’d gone to the doctor with stomach pains and they had sent him away saying it was gastroenteritis. He’d actually had a carcinoma of the bowl which had burst and given him sepsis. Shortly after I saw him he was rushed to hospital and died. He was 55.  

I was in shock and anger for many years. And this lead to a general feeling of lowness, and numbness, which I would call depression. As I got older I experienced more social anxiety which affected my late teens and early 20s. I think I’m a naturally shy person, but this was compounded by my grief. 

I remember thinking that my dad was the only person who really understood me. We were incredibly close. As my parents had divorced when I was seven I had spent every weekend with my dad. So in many ways, this meant I spent lots of very close, quality time with him.

But like any young boy would feel, my world was trampled on when he died. I dreamed about him constantly and would wake up with a mixture of happiness and deep sadness that I’d seen him, but that it was just a dream. 

His death triggered anxiety and depression through my mid-to-late teens and early 20s. It came to a head in my university studies, when I felt so anxious that I had to take a year out of university and have a break in my studies.

I found social interactions very stressful, and so any kind of seminar was difficult. I basically retreated into myself and wanted to close the door to the world. 

I now reflect that I’m lucky to have had such great times with my dad and that many people have a father that they never really connect with, even though they live to a ripe old age. I think this focus on the good in every situation is the key to finding contentment, which I think is all we have control of.

Appreciate what you have. The happiness comes and goes. Life can bring ups and downs, but if we appreciate what we have throughout, then we can enjoy the happier times and ride out the lower times. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

From the outside, I’ve always appeared kinda fine. As I’ve said, I got a degree and then went on to get a second while I worked. I had a decent job, although it was only when I was 30 when I retrained did I find a career in advertising that’s pushed me forward and brought me the fulfillment you need from work. 

I think a big part of my struggle was not being able to talk about it with my family. It just felt like no one wanted to get into it and make me upset, so I never really brought it up and just dealt with it on my own. 

Our culture teaches boys that they can’t cry, or show weakness. I also think my family thought they were helping by just moving on and not creating a scene.

They also had their own ways of dealing with things, from an era when people just got on with life and didn’t complain. So I certainly don’t judge anyone. But I do think it made things very hard for me to process the grief as I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it. 

As I grew older through my teens, I found that I struggled with anxiety and depression. I hung out with the rebellious kids and did the bare amount of schoolwork I could get away with. I started the dangerous line of thinking that it was cool not to try hard. 

But I was bright. And so I found school easy and passed my exams without working. Which was another dangerous lesson. I could get by without trying. 

This set a pattern through my teens and early 20s of doing the bare minimum and never feeling fully fulfilled. 

I found certain social interactions really difficult. I had a kind of social phobia. However, to people outside they would think that I was fine. I also drank a lot in social settings, which is a cultural norm in the UK, and this masked my anxiety.  

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I’d started playing the guitar in my early teens. I was obsessed with Nirvana and the whole grunge scene in the early 90s. But as I hit my early 20s, I started playing in a band.

The connection and friendship I found with my bandmates were huge. I had found a supportive network of friends who I could be open with. Probably because openness is key to musical expression. 

Over time, playing the guitar became my therapy. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or anxious, I would play a tune or write a song. It allowed me to express my feelings without having to put them into words. The more I played, the more I felt a sense of release and relief.

It was a combination of my own actions, the therapeutic nature of music, and the supportive community of musicians I became a part of that contributed to my healing. If I had to quantify it, I’d say 70% was a result of my actions and 30% was due to the circumstances and people around me.

It took me about 15 years after my dad’s passing to make significant progress. The guitar was the catalyst that set me on a path to understanding and managing my emotions better. It not only helped me cope with my grief but also built my confidence and self-worth.

I’ve researched the benefits of playing guitar, and the list is seemingly endless. For those who are interested, I have written an article that covers all the incredible benefits of playing guitar for mental health.

From the release of dopamine, reducing stress, improving cognitive abilities, and preventing mental decline, there’s so much that playing guitar, and instruments in general, can offer us.

So I’d urge anyone, no matter how old you are to pick up an instrument. It’s never too late be be a beginner at anything. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The first step I took was acknowledging my feelings. For years, I had suppressed my emotions, thinking it was the “manly” thing to do. But once I started playing the guitar, I realized the importance of expressing myself. Music became my outlet, and through it, I was able to process my grief and anxiety. 

I also sought therapy. Talking to a professional helped me understand the root of my feelings and gave me tools to cope. My therapist introduced me to mindfulness and meditation, which I practiced daily. It helped me stay present and not get overwhelmed by my past or anxious about the future.

Also, playing guitar, or any instrument, is an inherently mindful practice. When you’re paying you can’t think about anything else. And so I found it helped me in so many ways. 

For anyone going through a similar situation, I’d recommend finding a creative outlet, whether it’s music, art, writing, or any other form. It’s essential to have a safe space where you can express yourself without judgment.

Also, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Sometimes, talking to someone who’s trained to understand can make all the difference.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Initially, I kept my struggles to myself. I felt that showing vulnerability would make me appear weak. But as I started healing and understanding my emotions better, I began opening up to close friends and family. Their support and understanding were invaluable.

There were, however, some people I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with. Some colleagues and acquaintances had a tendency to dismiss mental health issues or offer unsolicited advice. I chose to keep my journey private from them to protect my mental well-being.

Over time, I’ve realized the importance of talking about mental health. It not only helps the person struggling but also educates others and reduces the stigma around it.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Embrace your emotions, no matter how painful or overwhelming they might seem. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or anxious. These feelings are a part of the healing process. 

Find a safe space or outlet where you can express yourself, and remember, you’re not alone in your struggle. Surround yourself with supportive people, seek professional help if needed, and always prioritize your mental well-being.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• “The Healing Power of Sound” by Mitchell Gaynor: This book delves into the therapeutic effects of sound and music. It helped me understand the science behind why playing the guitar was so beneficial for my mental health.
• “It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be” by Paul Arden: This book pretty much changed my life. I retrained in advertising at age 30, and this book was the inspiration.
  The key to any progress or success in life is having a goal. Talent is overrated. It’s much more important to set your self-goals high and strive for them.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

As I’ve linked to above, I’ve got a website about guitars called Guitar Mammoth, which helps me share my passion. Please check it out if you’re interested in guitar. If you’re interested in joining the team and writing for us, please reach out.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Playing Guitar Helped Me Process Grief and Start Healing From Anxiety and Depression appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I am DUVII. 

A figurehead embodying the resilience of a dove and the strength of the number seven, a symbol of my seven most challenging life chapters.

Why a dove, you may wonder? Throughout the Ancient Near East and Mediterranean regions, the dove was a symbol representing the mother goddess, associated with love, sexuality, and war. The number seven? It encapsulates the seven most profound stories of struggle, resilience, and strength I have lived through.

But behind this symbology, there’s a layered narrative of resilience and tenacity. As a devoted wife and mother in the fast-paced world of business, I play various roles: the nurturer at home, the cheerleader for my partner, and the innovator in the boardroom. Yet, beneath this multi-faceted persona, I grapple with an internal struggle that challenges my core.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

The struggle I wrestle with is not characterized by an official name, but its impact is profound and widely understood. It is grief, a debilitating and all-encompassing emotion, often experienced following the loss of a loved one. 

The onset of this struggle traces back to 2013 when my world was shattered by the untimely loss of my beautiful daughter, Jumana. She was only three years old when her light was abruptly extinguished. The loss was sudden and merciless, leaving no room for preparation or acceptance, catapulting me into a state of despair and confusion.

Over time, this struggle, this grief, has evolved rather than subsided. It changed from an intense, crushing presence into a constant companion, an undercurrent in the ebb and flow of my daily life. I learned to live alongside it, acknowledging its presence, but not allowing it to consume me completely. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The symptoms of my grief manifested as despair, sorrow, a heightened sense of longing, and at times, a disconcerting numbness. At my worst moments, this struggle would envelop me in a shroud of overwhelming misery. It felt like being submerged in an ocean of pain, where every attempt to surface for air seemed insurmountable.

I was on a constant quest to find pieces of Jumana in every mundane aspect of life, every laughter, every innocent smile. The emptiness was both devastating and palpable, constantly looming over my day-to-day existence.

I immersed myself in work, not as a distraction but as a misguided hope of finding Jumana somewhere in the routines of everyday life. I traveled, only to be met with the raw and unbearable truth – she was not with me.

The intensity of my struggle was, at times, visible to those around me. Yet, in my quest to maintain a semblance of normalcy, I often found myself hiding the depth of my pain.

While my outward facade portrayed a resilient woman carrying on with life, inside, I was grappling with the rawness of my grief. The smiles were often forced, the laughter a performance.

I had become proficient at the art of masking my pain, cloaking it behind the responsibilities of being a mother, a wife, and a professional. I believed that revealing the magnitude of my struggle might impose my sorrow on others, so I bore it mostly in silence and solitude.

However, there were also moments of vulnerability when the weight of my grief was too significant to bear alone. Those were the moments when the facade would crumble, revealing the devastating reality of my loss.

It was during these moments that my struggle was apparent to those closest to me. They bore witness to the profound pain that had deeply imprinted on my life, a testament to a struggle that was deeply personal, yet universally understood by those who have experienced loss.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I was sitting alone in my immense heartache when I also found a lesson; the force of grief is merely the mirror of the love we carry. Grief is love that yearns to be given but finds no recipient. It wells up in our hearts and spills out through our eyes, fills the lumps in our throats, and resonates in the hollow parts of our chests.

This realization marked a turning point in my healing process. I recognized that my identity was not lost but transformed by my experiences.

And, importantly, my purpose was to channel this love, this grief, into something constructive for others, acting as a beacon of hope for those struggling through their dark hours. I began to help people, children in particular, drawing strength from the smiles on their faces.

It was through this transformative journey, I discovered that grieving, healing, and living aren’t linear processes, but intertwined strands of our existence. Healing isn’t about forgetting; it’s about learning to live with loss, about embracing love and pain simultaneously.

This transformation was primarily a result of my own actions, as I sought to channel my grief into expressions that were constructive and cathartic. I’d say the change was 90% the result of my actions and 10% the result of my circumstances.

My realization wasn’t a result of a particular event or change in my surroundings, but rather a deeper understanding of the nature of grief and love that stemmed from introspection.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

A crucial element in my healing journey was music. Music had always been an integral part of my life, but it took on a new significance after Jumana’s passing.

It became a lifeline, a form of expression, and a connection to my daughter. I channeled my feelings into songwriting and composition, creating music that not only helped me process my grief but also reached out to others who might be experiencing similar pain.

‘Goodbye,’ one of my upcoming songs, is a testament to this journey – an ode to Jumana, to loss, to love, and to the resilience of the human spirit. It’s not just about saying goodbye to a loved one, but about finding a way to carry their memory forward with grace and strength.

I also found solace and strength in helping others. I became involved in organizations supporting bereaved families, providing both emotional and financial assistance.

I found a sense of purpose in this work, and it became a part of my healing process. Seeing their resilience, their ability to find joy in life amidst profound loss, continually inspired me.

For those in a similar situation, I would recommend a few things. First, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy can provide valuable tools and strategies for coping with grief, and a therapist can offer a safe, nonjudgmental space to express and understand your feelings.

Secondly, find an outlet for your emotions – be it music, art, writing, or any activity that helps you process your feelings. Lastly, consider reaching out to others who are also grieving. Connect with support groups or organizations where you can share your experiences and draw strength from others who understand your journey. The path of grief is a long and arduous one, but you do not have to walk it alone.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Sharing my struggle initially felt like an insurmountable task. Despite the pain I felt, I found myself hiding my grief from those around me. The people I interacted with daily – friends, colleagues, even extended family – seemed to exist on a different plane.

I felt like an alien in my own life, separated from others by the vast gulf of my grief. I feared that sharing my pain might burden them, or worse, that they might not understand.

Despite this, there were a few individuals I felt comfortable opening up to, especially my husband. We shared the loss of Jumana, and he was one of the few people who could truly understand my pain.

But even within this shared sorrow, there were limits. We grieved differently, and while we supported each other as best we could, I often found myself retreating into solitude to bear the weight of my grief.

One unexpected source of comfort came from my elderly neighbor. His empathetic presence, as someone who had also experienced a profound loss, provided a safe space for me to express my sorrow.

We shared stories of our lost loved ones, and in this shared grief, I found a sense of solace and understanding. Through him, I realized that my pain was not an isolating factor but a connection to others who had experienced a similar loss.

Sharing my struggle has been an essential part of my healing journey. I have learned that it is okay to be vulnerable, to seek support, and to express my feelings openly. It has taught me the importance of community, shared experiences, and the healing power of empathy.

I would encourage anyone going through a similar experience to reach out to those around them, whether they be friends, family, or even acquaintances. You may be surprised by the comfort and understanding you find.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

If I could share a single piece of advice, it would be to remember that it’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay to let that grief shape you. You need to allow yourself to feel the pain, the sorrow, and the emptiness because these emotions are part of your healing journey.

It’s okay to mourn, to miss, and to long for the ones you’ve lost. Your grief is a testament to your love, and that love continues to exist even after loss.

What I wish I knew earlier, and what I want to share, is that you are not alone in your struggle. Grief, in its solitude, can make you feel isolated, but remember that there are others who understand, who empathize, and who are willing to share in your pain.

Reach out to them. Share your stories, your memories, and your feelings. There is comfort to be found in shared sorrow, and through this, you can begin to heal.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

There were two books that really helped me in my healing process-

• The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion: This book, a heartfelt memoir about Joan Didion’s journey of grieving the loss of her husband, helped me realize that my feelings of disorientation and confusion were a normal part of the grieving process. It also gave me a language to express my own grief.
• On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler: This book was instrumental in helping me understand the stages of grief and that what I was experiencing was part of a well-documented process. It helped me accept my feelings and gave me a roadmap to navigate my journey of healing.  

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about my journey and my music through my website. To stay connected on a day-to-day basis, you can follow me on my Instagram. I love sharing my process and inspirations with my followers. My music is available on Apple Music and Spotify.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Navigated Grief By Learning to Embrace Both Love and Pain Together appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My Name is Sarah, but most of my friends call me Bunny. I’m from Sydney, Australia and I’m 20 years old. I like to think of myself as a passionate and creative person. I have a love for crystal collecting and run my own small business where I share my love with other like-minded people.

I also have an extremely deep love for music! My mini zoo at home consists of two budgies, Blue Cheese and Beetle, and two cats, Jasmine and Boots (also a special mention for my angel kitty Meshka) 

I have been described as “bright and bubbly” since I was very young and many people tell me I’m a warm and caring person. I dream that one day I can encourage others to be themselves authentically and without the fear of being judged by others.

All that being said, behind closed doors, I struggle a lot with my mental health and I often have a lot of trouble putting the love and kindness I show others into love and kindness for myself. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My struggle began when I was just ten years old, I was officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after I began to refuse to go to school. I vividly remember the feeling of fear and terror I felt each morning before school. I very suddenly made a full recovery when starting my first day of high school a year later. 

I honestly thought this would be the end of my struggle but when I was 15 I began experiencing very minor panic attacks. These were often accompanied by derealisation and depersonalization and intense nausea. I started seeing a psychologist and was promptly diagnosed with ADHD and depression and my anxiety diagnosis was reaffirmed. 

I had the misfortune of getting into an abusive relationship from ages 15-17, he was the same age as me and was so sweet in the beginning. His true colors did eventually show when he began to sexually, verbally, and emotionally abuse me and play it off as “mental health issues”.

At such a young age I had no idea that such behavior wasn’t normal, I truly believed that I was the problem in the relationship. He eventually cheated on me and ended the relationship which was a blessing in disguise. In the months after that breakup I developed severe derealization, depersonalization, and suicidal ideation. This time period was also when I began to struggle with self-harm.

A year later when I was 18 I got into a new relationship and spent a lot of time with his family, at this time I began to realize how unstable and dysfunctional my home has been for my entire life. My mother was traumatized as a child and never sought help in her adulthood, so the generational trauma was passed down to me and my younger sibling.

I began experiencing extremely unstable moods and unhealthy attachment issues. I’d have episodes of extreme anger or upset followed by euphoria. I was just generally unstable and would swing between emotional extremes that were far from age appropriate. I also had a strange feeling of numbness and issues with my identity. I also struggled a lot with self-harm during these episodes. 

These symptoms lead to me being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at 18 and also sparked what would eventually become a Panic disorder. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

My worst began in 2021, surprisingly despite my BPD I was in a reasonably healthy relationship. For the first time in my life, I was able to process the trauma I had experienced, his home was a safe space for me and his mother took me under her wing. Being so young and suddenly having the weight of lifelong trauma bestowed upon me, I developed Panic Disorder and emetophobia. 

It started very simply with nightly panic attacks but soon became much more than that, in 2022 I hit rock bottom. I was broken up with while stuck in a covid lockdown and I had surgery (a huge fear of mine). The pain meds gave me the most terrifying 9-hour panic attack, I genuinely thought I was going to die that night. This is what I consider the true beginning of my Panic disorder despite being diagnosed with it a year earlier. 

From then on I was very unwell, unable to eat, sleep, shower, leave my home, or do anything. When I wasn’t panicking I was nauseous and anxious. I became disabled from my multiple mental illnesses, when it wasn’t panic disorder it was depression or BPD. I was also psychologically addicted to anti-nausea medication as a result of my emetophobia. 

I developed severe agoraphobia at this time and most days found it hard to even leave my room. At 19 years old I had lost all of my independence, I was unable to work, and I couldn’t even make a meal for myself 90% of the time. At this time I was also diagnosed with OCD. I turned 20 completely alone, I couldn’t even leave my room to have happy birthday sung to me. 

I can confidently and without a doubt say that I have never been more miserable and lonely in my entire life. I felt like the shell of a human, as if my body was just a vessel for anxiety and I had the misfortune of being there for the ride. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The turning point for me was getting medicated. Without a doubt, I would be dead if it wasn’t for my medication. I started on Mirtazapine in December of 2022, and for the first time in three years, I experienced a breath of fresh air. I had 3 entire weeks panic free. After one small panic attack another 4 after that!

It took me so long to build the courage to get medicated, as I have a strong aversion to SSRIs due to the potential for side effects. I had also known that SSRIs had the potential to exacerbate my BPD. Mirtazapine however is not an SSRI and I was assured that it was so gentle with very little chance for strong side effects.

I eventually added Propranolol into my regimen and this gave me even more relief! My panic attacks went from severe for hours and hours to 30 minutes and far less severe!! 

I also found a lot of comfort in music, specifically the duo $uicideboy$. Their music for me shows a story of success against mental illness and addiction. It made me feel seen and heard to hear lyrics that speak so openly about topics that are typically taboo like self-harm. It was and still is so inspiring to see their music change as they both go on a journey of recovery and sobriety.

As someone at the beginning of that journey, they are a beacon of hope that life in fact does get better. One of the biggest motivations for my agoraphobia recovery is to be well enough to see them live when they visit Sydney.

I wouldn’t currently consider myself fully recovered by any means, I still have panic attacks and I’m still struggling with agoraphobia but I can confidently say I’m now on the road to recovery, slowly but surely I am gaining parts of my freedom back. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

There are probably thousands of strategies out there for anxiety and panic disorder so I’d really aim to keep an open mind and explore the many strategies out there. What works for one person may not work for others and that’s okay! That being said here is what has worked for me, all of these are done in conjunction with taking my daily meds. 

Seeking out a psychologist who specializes in BPD and trauma really helped me. In particular, learning DBT skills not only helped me learn to cope during a BPD episode but it also helped me cope during panic attacks. You can access DBT in groups, solo with a psychologist, or even completely self-guided with resources online! 

In my experience with Panic Disorder or any form of anxiety, learning as much as possible about how and why anxiety happens helped me so much. I learned about this just from reading articles on Google and searching questions I had about my disorders.

In my experience having a deep knowledge and understanding of what is happening in my mind and body during panic attacks takes away so much fear and uncertainty. I’m able to tell myself “This is just adrenaline and it cannot hurt me, it will pass”.

Panic for me often feels like I’m dying or having a medical emergency which is really scary, but when I know for certain that nothing is wrong the panic loses a lot of its power. 

Gradual exposure has also helped me immensely. Going for walks, in particular, is a great way to get out of the house but also still be in control (I’m able to turn back and go home whenever I need). Some days I may feel ready to walk really far and other days I may only be able to make it to the mailbox and back and that’s 100% okay! 

Panic attacks with panic disorder are inevitable so creating a routine for when they do happen has helped me a lot! For me, my routine looks like getting comfy in bed, putting on a youtube video in the background, and reading until it passes.

You may have heard the phrase “Ride the wave” or “the only way out is through” and I 100% agree with these statements. Having a routine that works for my specific needs helps me ride that anxiety wave.

If you don’t already have a routine it may take some trial and error to figure out what works for you but my biggest advice is don’t focus on making the anxiety go away as this can make the anxiety worse. Focus on making yourself a safe space to experience those feelings.

There are probably so many more things that could be helpful but my last recommendation is to really truly try to look on the bright side. For me having extensive mental health issues to the point of being disabled has been so discouraging and it was very easy (and honestly fair/expected) to slip into a very dark and hopeless mindset.

I struggled a lot with comparing myself to others my age who weren’t disabled. This mindset for me was doing me absolutely 0 favors and just made me feel even worse. I don’t mean this as “never feel sad or sorry for yourself” because it is very important to acknowledge negative emotions and allow yourself to feel them.

However, I think it’s even more important to practice gratitude and focus on the positive things when you can, for me, that’s my partner and sibling, my pets, music, my favorite foods, my physical health, and nature! 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I’m an absolute open book when it comes to my mental health and my story. I don’t really feel uncomfortable sharing my experiences as long as the people on the receiving end are open to listening! (I always consider if the listener is in the right mental state to listen, some things can be triggering to others).

I think it’s really important to be vulnerable and honest because you really truly never know what someone is going through behind closed doors, your story may inspire someone who’s in a similar situation to seek help.

The only people I’d feel uncomfortable sharing my story with are those who don’t have an open mind or those who make rude comments or remarks. BPD in particular has such a stigma around it, some people see us as inherently toxic or abusive individuals so I have no interest in engaging with people who believe those types of things.

Sometimes it can be difficult to speak about some of the more traumatic parts of my life, especially my abuse but then again I really think it’s so important to speak about especially because there could be a young girl right now going through what I did and like me has no idea those things aren’t normal. I really truly just want to help others and if my story can help even one person then it is all worth it! 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

My advice would be to never ever allow anyone to tell you to stop being yourself! 

It’s okay if you have big feelings and it’s okay if you take up space, it’s okay if you express yourself differently to others and most importantly it’s okay if you need to reach out for extra help and support. 

There are so many hateful people on this planet, don’t let them dull your sparkle with their miserable life!

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The anxious truth podcast: this podcast helped me so much with my mindset and helped me feel less alone! 
• DBT skills workbook: this book has helped me so much in coping with my BPD and my panic disorder.
• The r/anxiety subreddit and the r/panic disorder subreddit are both amazing communities filled with some wonderful people who will support you when needed! (there may be the occasional troll but the mods are super helpful if you need to report anyone). 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find me on Instagram @Strwbrrysh0rtcak3. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Navigating BPD and Panic Attacks with Medication, DBT and Music! appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, I am Rodrigo, and am currently living in Chihuahua, Mexico. I am currently unemployed and working on a couple of personal projects while I ponder about what to do next. My projects are my podcast (in Spanish), my music, and my Instagram page.

I am divorced with two kids and my biggest passion is music, it has always been my only friend. If it weren’t for music I’d be definitely dead.

I am happy, yes, but I do have my bad days but that just means I’m human and I have emotions. Not all days are filled with sunshine, right? And even in the brightest days you still need an umbrella to cover the sun.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes with symptoms of extreme emotions that range from anger to sadness to happiness to everything else. But these emotions are always dialed to 11.

And it’s not just one emotion per day it’s all the emotions all the time and they are extreme.

I don’t know if it’s part of BPD but I never feel wanted by anyone or loved even, it’s such a huge sense of not being loved or wanted or not being part of anything or anyone and not knowing who you are.

I don’t know who I am (a feeling that has worsened now that I found out that my family is filled with narcissists). Also, I think I’m the most hideous-looking person in the world, and that no one cares for me. 

Hypersexuality is another big one in my case, when I’m in a relationship it’s all about sex, I can have sex all day every day if I want to and I do self-pleasure a lot because of the little dopamine I get from it I suppose… 

I’ve never done hard drugs, but two of my uncles are cocaine addicts and that impacted me greatly growing up, cause I felt what it’s like to be around an addict that will be cured “by the powers of god”. What made me fearful of all drugs was one of my uncles craving a high and arguing with my mom (we were visiting an aunt in Pasadena). Things got ugly and my uncle ended up choking my mother right in front of me. I must’ve been 4 at the time.

When I get angry, I become irate. I don’t get violent with people, I’ve never been in a fistfight, but I do get violent with doors, walls, and things around me. I have broken my hand twice hitting stuff.

I also have Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) which makes me imagine things in my head that are not real… Most of the time in my past relationships I’ve always suspected of being cheated on to the point of breaking up.

Also, I always take things personally, even on tv, ads, sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me and hurt me, so I keep to myself… I do enjoy my loneliness actually. It’s when I’m at peace and it brings the freedom to do what I want when I want

I can’t pinpoint a time when this started since I have repressed all of my childhood, I remember bits and pieces but everything else is just a huge blank.

I would guess it started in my teenage years since that’s when all the depression and anger spewed out. I must’ve been around 12-13 years old but I can’t be sure.

The thing that caused all of it was having narcissistic parents. Parents that were almost never there and when they were there they were very critical of everything I did.

I come from a well-known family and my father has always been involved in politics so he’s always been a public figure.

As such I was always expected to be the “perfect son” and was manipulated, blackmailed, and emotionally abused to submit and not be rebellious (I have the soul of a revolutionary I think ).

I’ve always lived my life “against the grain” so the more I pushed back the more I was insulted into submission.

So most of my life, all decisions have been made by my parents. I was taught that the world is out to get me and that the only people that can ever love me are them, that everyone else just wants to screw me over and hurt me.

There was some physical abuse from my dad, when I was learning to drive he would yell and hit me if I hit a rock or a pothole, and that caused me to be terrified of driving (I learned to drive when I was 16).

I was always shunned because he made me feel like I was stupid and mentally disabled and even said repeatedly “You are gonna end up on the streets”, “you are stupid”, “you are worthless” and all kinds of belittling things. This didn’t just apply to me not knowing how to drive but to everything I did in my life ever.

Also when I was younger I was with some older kids in a sauna and they convinced me that touching them and doing sexual acts with them was “normal” so all my sexuality during my younger years was out of wack since my mother and father never talked to me about sex. I did things that I regret growing up, sexually, that I now have realized is not normal at all.

Over time it got worse, I’m an alcoholic and I’m just 38.

I started drinking when I was 15 and up until I was 36, the worst times were in college when I completely got lost in alcohol. I would sell stuff, ask for borrowed money, and basically blow out the monthly money I was sent on alcohol.

Weed was my companion for the last 4 years and it got bad, I was smoking every day to escape my horrible reality and the situation I am in. I was just numbing all the pain and filling the huge big black hole in my chest with anything I could find. It was either girlfriends, sex, buying things, alcohol, or weed.

I was very irresponsible with money and bought things that I did not need just to be happy.

Another bad habit was making decisions “on the go”. 99% of my life’s decisions were in the spur of the moment, which lead to regret, which lead to depression cause “I’m so stupid”

I’m happy to say that today is my 12th day sober from weed. But yeah, over time it just got progressively worse and I grew more alone.

Do you know how hard it is to be friends with a person who wants to kill themselves and then 5 minutes later they’re ok? It’s draining. Well, I am that person.

This struggle impacted me horribly and made people see me as a weirdo.

Oversharing is a big one as well… as you might have realized… I am an open book to everyone but I do not see it as a bad thing. I am what I am after all.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I’ve never been happy in my life, man, ever. I am always searching for that little piece of dopamine whether it be from alcohol, weed, or falling madly in love in 5 minutes. I hid it for the longest time because, again, my parents.

“How can my kid have a mental health issue, he’s supposed to be perfect”.

Also, I live in a very conservative town so if I told anyone I have mental health issues, they’d think I have mental retardation (sorry for the word) so they talk to me slower and softer.

In my lowest and darkest moments, I turned to suicide, I’ve been suicidal all my life and self-harmed in my younger years. I’d carve things on my arms with sharp pencils and objects and also scratched my arms until they bled and then scratched some more. I hit myself, punched myself, and choked myself.

Last year, I caught myself falling into those patterns again but I have been self-harm free for 2 months now.

I have had 4 suicide attempts, one after I had a situation with my ex-wife during my son’s birthday party, that was the first attempt. I had bought a rope before and was looking for a place to hang myself but never went through until that day.

I was depressed, went into my closet and grabbed a belt which I wrapped around my neck, and proceeded to tighten. The more my brain told me to stop, the tighter I’d get it until something stopped me and I let go. I started crying and told myself “you’re so useless you can’t even kill yourself right”

Then it was two more attempts with a belt and one with a pillow over my face, searched the internet on painless suicide methods, had an open pocket knife in my hands just wanting to either cut my wrists open or stab myself in the chest, eye, or head.

It got dark, it got ugly, I had hit rock bottom and was digging.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I remember it clearly when everything came to be. I was high playing a game and listening to music when it started dripping little by little.

Thoughts of “maybe my family is narcissistic”, “maybe them doing favors for me and then asking for obedience is not normal” and then it opened up like a broken dam when the realization hit… My lord, was it horrid.

I felt all kinds of emotions, imagine having BPD, being high, and now being open to realizing that you never have lived your own life and facing all your trauma! I went into a psychotic breakdown and started crying quietly, laughing, I sent a message to a Twitter friend and she was super supportive but it got to the point where I believed God was here and that my friend was my guardian angel.

I had horrible stomach pains, wanted to throw up, and lost my sense of self completely. I was a baby again reliving all my repressed childhood memories.

I think the change was part of my circumstance. I have reached the lowest point in my life and somehow that made me realize that the things that happened to me are not completely my fault. I think hitting rock bottom made me realize a lot…

I think it was 100% caused by my circumstances. When an animal is cornered, all it can do is fight for survival, so in a way, I think I was telling myself “Fight and survive”.

And that’s what I started working on, fighting and surviving.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I really wish I could share tips on how someone else can benefit from this to overcome this kind of struggle, I really do! But it’s a path that I recently started walking myself.

What have I realized in these few days?

• You are an individual and as such you are entitled to be who you are, if people can’t accept you for who you are then you don’t need those people in your life.
• Show yourself small acts of self-love, drink your favorite coffee, eat your favorite treat, listen to your favorite song, go to your favorite place, and tell yourself “This is from me to me cause I love me”
• You are a miracle, but so is everyone else
• Don’t do good expecting a material payoff, and don’t do good to boast about it on social media. Do good as an act of love and stay quiet about it, feel your blessing in your heart, and move on.
• Look at the small blessings in your life, that’s how life thanks you for being good!
• Emotions are part of life. You can’t live life wrestling them cause you will never win. You gotta learn to accept that they are there and you just gotta live through them.
• Weed and alcohol are the worst solutions to seek to fill up your emptiness, try to look for more positive outlets like writing, drawing, and playing music.
• You do not need anybody to approve of anything in your life, your decisions can lead to failure and that is OK. You gotta learn to be hurt before you can appreciate anything.
• Suicide is not the answer. Believe me, I tried.
• It takes time for a tree to grow, but you have to put in work for it to grow. It’s the same with yourself, it’s not an overnight change. It’s a tough road full of failures and trying and understanding. There will be days when lightning strikes you, some days a pest will come and gnaw at your leaves, and some kid will carve its initials on you with a sharp knife and that is part of it, keep growing and nurturing yourself.
• Eat, your body deserves it.
• Shower, your body also deserves it.
• Let your emotions happen. For me, personally, emotions are like little children that need attention. I’m a parent so that’s how I picture it. If a kid comes up to you and tugs at your shirt you do not ignore it, right? Cause if you do you can hurt the kid and they throw a temper tantrum. It’s the same with your emotions: let them come and tug at your shirt and ask them: What’s going on? They may have scraped their knee and need a hug and a kiss. 
• Do not send your inner kids to their room when they misbehave, they’ll come out angrier and more resentful, listen and help. For example, I used to hate people and I would just walk around giving everyone dirty looks and couldn’t stand leaving my room or my house because ew… people. I talked to my hatred and it opened up to my anger. I found that, since I’ve been bullied and hurt by people all my life, my anger was trying to protect me from being hurt ever again. I thanked the emotion and hugged it and told it that it was OK to be protective and it’s OK to be careful with people but not every apple is a bad apple! Now I’m a bit more open and more smiling and more accepting of others.
• We are all on our own river. Sometimes other boats approach for a while but then a current comes and takes them away and that’s OK. They showed up, did their part, good or bad, and left
• You are in control of how you feel. If a person is angry at you, it’s not your problem, it’s their problem. You can’t control their anger but can control how much you let it affect you. Take the anger and filter it into something positive if you can.
• Let people be, you make mistakes too!
• Everybody is responsible for filling their own backpacks with what they want, if you fill it with flowers it’ll be beautiful and fragrant. If you fill it with rocks, it’ll be heavy and painful.
• You are free but there are consequences! Life gives you what you give it!
• Love comes from the inside out, not the other way around
• Even if you are crying in a Ferrari, you’re still crying

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I shared my struggles with “friends” but they just said “Hang in there” and “Oh yeah just be strong” so I ended up bottling up everything inside.

I am from Mexico, so there is a huge sense of “men don’t cry” here, and a lot of toxic masculinity. I honestly despise this. A man can cry, a man can feel, a man can tell another man “I love you”. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna end up kissing. Due to my past trauma, I’ve grown quite comfortable with my sexuality and I stopped caring about showing my emotions to the world. It’s OK to feel guys!

My parents don’t believe in mental health issues (I was told I’m not depressed, just lazy, cause for my parents I’ve always been lazy).

I have had to battle my demons on my own all my life and it’s very damn tiring since nobody understands and you’re just “that weirdo”. But this has made me a fighter and has made me strong.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You matter, nothing that you’re going through is your fault and it can get better but first, it may get worse (sorry).

You are a miracle of life! You are not as alone, since you’ve got yourself. That is the only sure company you’ll have for the rest of your life so please try and make friends with yourself. It’s a long road, this life, might as well make it a little more pleasant with your passenger, huh?

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz – This book helped me realize that I was living the “dream of the world” and how to cope better with other people.
• The Monk That Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma – This book helped me realize that life is not about things, but about how you live it.
• The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz – A very good book about learning how to love yourself.
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz – A good guide that has taught me to see my feelings not as other parts but as little children who need attention, taught me to play with the children and listen to them when they’re upset and angry. Help and love them when they are hurt.
• Music helped me to cover up the horrible reality I was in. It got me through relentless bullying in school, and at home, it got me through break ups, and it got me through the darkness, it has always been my little ray of light and bubble in which I can get lost.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

My username on all my social media is: elgat0verde

I’ve also started a blog where I talk about my experiences, it’s called The Barren Earth Diaries.

I am quite active on Instagram (I post all my favorite albums there), Reddit, and Youtube (I will be uploading music there, maybe some mental health stuff in English).

I also write music about living with BPD and depression. Here is my music on Youtube Music, Spotify, and Bandcamp as well.

Thank you for the support!!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Hitting Rock Bottom Started My Journey of Healing From BPD and Addiction appeared first on Tracking Happiness.