Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I am Rita Vilhena due to my photography, also known as Rita Isabel due to my art. I was born and raised in Portugal and currently reside in Portugal.

I am an independent worker (that is what we call here for jobs like Photographer), since I am a professional Photographer, Digital Artist, and Painter. 

I haven’t been in a relationship officially since 6 years ago, due to the last relationship being very toxic and traumatic. I have 9 cats, I love animals! My passion is art and photography and thankfully I do what I love, so, most days it doesn’t feel like “work” even though it is. 

I consider happiness to be a moment that comes and goes, just like sadness, life has taught me that, however, I do consider myself happier than I ever was.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

The official name of what I struggle against is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

The symptoms I experienced majorly and still do at times are:

• Fear of abandonment.
• Impulsive behavior (doing drugs, mainly weed to nullify my emotional pain which I know is wrong, unsafe sex, binge eating).
• Self-sabotage (mainly love relationships).
• Problems with my self-image (such as weight and beauty standards).
• Chronic mood swings (going from feeling good to feeling extremely sad).
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Paranoid thoughts (like people harming me).
• Feeling detached, extreme anxiety (to the point I’d vomit food and even with empty stomach, shaking due to anxiety, mainly hands).
• Self-harm (I’d do small cuts on my wrists to relieve the emotional pain because it was too strong, however, I was able to never do it again and manage it).

And I’ve made two suicide attempts with pills, however, I have been able to manage this due to having psychotherapy with a psychologist who understands more about BPD and being on the right medicine (for my body)

The medicine that works out for me may not work out for someone else as medicine might change from person to person, not every “cocktail” of pills might work for the same person, because we are all different, all unique in our own way, from our brain to our feet. 

Please also understand, that psychotherapy is essential, taking pills is just like a crutch they aren’t the cure or the solution, they help you a little, and they give you a push simply, what will really and truly help you is psychotherapy, and you will want to quit it once it is working, now you will ask me, how will I know when it works? When you want to not go to the therapy sessions, that means it is working!

Because when you want to give up the therapy and quit it, IT IS, when it is working, it is when you feel the most pain, the most profound sadness and you make all sorts of excuses to not go, please, when that happens, force yourself to go, even if you have anxiety at that moment and so forth, face your fear and do go and tell your therapist exactly why you didn’t want to go and so on, your therapist will be there for you and will know how to handle it

He is the healthcare professional that truly wants to help you to overcome your past and current traumas and wants you to be able to manage your full day, as in, get out of bed, do daily tasks (like washing dishes, showering, making yourself pretty FOR YOURSELF!), he will help you see, even if it’s not totally “direct” because you have to do the work yourself but you need to be willing to do the work. 

And always remember this: If a doctor tells you, you do not have a cure, I know this is like, if someone is giving a death sentence because that happened to me, quit that doctor, there is a cure, even if not “total” but you will be able to manage your everyday life and have less and less of these symptoms

And you have to get to know yourself very well, no matter what others tell you about you, you are the one who knows yourself better than anyone! Also learn to know what triggers you, to know what is a toxic environment, and toxic people, and to know what is truly healthy for you. 

For someone who identifies with BPD and is struggling with such, this was the website that made me certain of having BPD, although I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist of having it. 

I think it started during my young adult years with BPD (however with MDD it started when I was 13 years old) but it aggravated severely because I was in a 6-year toxic and verbally abusive relationship. I often say I was a victim of psychological domestic violence because to me and from experts I’ve heard, that is what actually happened.

Although my family life was toxic, I never felt loved at home, especially by my parents. Even though I knew my parents loved me, they would be cold (as in, not giving hugs, kisses or saying that loved us) and so I wasn’t able to feel it. Sadly, there was a lot of psychological abuse in front of us.

Being a lonely child, isolated, and talented since a very small age, when I entered first grade, I was bullied by my schoolmates due to drawing well, I’d always be alone. For most of my pre-teen years and growing to teen years I suffered bullying at school and sexual harassment.

I also believe that made me feel like an object, objectified especially by men, rejected by women because I’d stand out among the rest of the women and they hated that and I’d search for love in the wrong places because the root of the trauma was in my childhood. 

This still impacts me to this day, as I am still a work in progress and I believe I will always be, we as humans have to refine ourselves, acquiring knowledge makes us evolve as human beings, if we don’t acquire knowledge we get stuck.

Knowledge is never enough, we are always students even if we can become masters but even masters keep learning. I do a lot of self-development and avoid at all costs reading negative quotes, posts, news outlets, etc. because I am hyper-empathetic.

I naturally feel for others and I also have to protect myself from that, because all my love relationships and even most friendships were extremely toxic and some were even abusive, being an empath we easily fall prey to people like narcissists and other types of personality disorders such as the dark triad.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For many years, I was never able to be happy at all, even for small moments, it was a constant struggle and I’d never understand why I was not “normal” and wouldn’t “fit in” like everyone else. 

It wasn’t clear to the people around me that I was having a severe struggle inside me because I’d hidden it well, coming from a Christian family, sadly I lived inside a bubble made by my parents.

I would also hide it because when I’d try to reach out to people they would invalidate my feelings with such phrases as “there are people that have it worse”, “you are over-sensitive”, “you are too emotional”, there’s more phrases of this type that totally invalidate someone who is struggling in serious mental health issue.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

This isn’t a happy story. However I started to feel a little bit of change when I finally moved out of my parents to Germany into that abusive 6-year relationship (I lived in Germany for 4 years), I was finally able to be myself, around my parents and everyone I knew from church circle, I’d have to pretend to be someone else and never myself, my authentic self. 

Quantifying it, it was a result of my actions, because if I didn’t apply to Erasmus it would have never happened so I’d say 100%. But it was an escape from my parents and the toxic environment.

It still took me years of struggle to find a way around it, because since I was raised inside a bubble, my parents didn’t teach me or provide me the basic life tools I needed to be “out there”. I had to learn everything on my own and became a strong warrior. I’d still rely at that time too much on what others would say and would think of me. 

When I returned to Portugal, I went through 3 different psychiatrists until I found the proper one for the proper “cocktail” of pills. I knew I wasn’t still 100% but at this time, I was already doing psychotherapy, my mother had passed away (she was my best friend and confidant) and I started doing a lot of self-development.

Slowly I started to realize, I was following for example too many negative instagram accounts, with depressive mindsets and I told myself, life can’t be only about negativity, it’s impossible, so I cut off everything negative/toxic and started following everything positive that would make me acquire knowledge and make me grow as a human being, I found Jordan B. Peterson and that helped me a lot, like, a lot. (this is an example) 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

What really helped me was psychotherapy, self-development and I had to cut off a lot of people that were toxic to me, including relationships, friendships, and even family. I know it isn’t easy, it is very difficult, but I had to learn to love myself first and put others after. 

People might say I am selfish but no, that isn’t being selfish, that is having compassion, comprehension, and empathy for yourself. 

If someone is abusing you, gaslighting you, manipulating you, or taking advantage of you, you should instantly cut them off everywhere, including social networks, real life, everything. Even if you have to change your phone number (I had to do this because of a female ex-friend and even after I receive anonymous text messages trying to taunt me). 

Do not *ever* allow other human beings to abuse you in any way. 

I recommend a lot Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, because last year I had a music trigger, I was able to solve it by myself due to Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s posts and videos on YouTube.

Every time I’d go to a supermarket or convenience store (the song was super popular) it would play randomly and I’d have panic attacks and I’d have to pretend to be okay and I’d start sweating and all I wanted to do was run and shout, sadly even my psychologist wasn’t able to help me with that but thankfully because I always do a lot of research, the posts and videos of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson helped me on solving my trigger. 

Related to triggers, if you know you going to trigger for example listening to a song, a movie, etc., fight your demons, slay the dragon in the cave! (like Jordan B. Peterson says) This will make you stronger in many ways.

Do not avoid your triggers, avoiding will increase them each time, find a way to get past them, this includes fears, always think you are strong, a warrior, and after all, you are! You are battling a heavy fight, even though we get down on the ground, we were taught to get up and keep going, do not EVER give up on yourself. You are precious. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I felt mainly comfortable talking about my struggles to my psychologists and very very few friends… Most people like I stated before, invalidate you right away because they lack emotional intelligence and empathy. They aren’t able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. 

I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my struggles or my siblings because they never seemed like people who would understand at all what I was struggling with. However, they’d notice something was wrong, especially my mother. I always felt like there was a wall between us, due to my parents being conservative and at the same time open-minded. I’d keep it all to myself mainly.

Nowadays I don’t find it so hard to talk openly about my mental health struggle with someone but a lot of times I try not to do it, because I don’t want to give negative vibes, but also because in my country it’s considered still a taboo.

However in my opinion, if you want to know if someone is your real friend or not, tell them, wait for their action, if they disappear from your life, then you know these people never were real and never were true and authentic and you are better off without them! It’s a pretty good test. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I have a few pieces of advice I want to give:

Know yourself better, I did way later in life a personality type test which is known as the Mayer-Briggs personality test, which was based on Carl Jung’s studies of personality types.

I am actually an INFJ, one of the world’s rarer personality type, I sought answers nonstop for not ‘fitting in’ in the crowd and society and I always blamed myself for it, thinking it was my fault, once I did that, I finally understood A LOT, that happened in my life and why I was very rejected too because I was never afraid of speaking out. 

16 Personalities – Based on the Mayer-Briggs personality test, I find this the most accurate website, but you have to be very truthful, honest and do it with proper time.

Do not listen to people who have achieved nothing in life, especially if you are an overachiever and ambitious person, if you have a dream, run after your dream, God has plans for you and he gifted each one of us with something.

My gift was in the arts and since I was 14 years old (even though I started drawing when I was 2 years old) I’ve been after that dream, even if my own family has tried to “cut off” my legs (due to worrying because art life isn’t very profitable). Fight for your dream, when things are being the hardest and you’re ready to quit, that is when you shouldn’t quit because big things are coming.

Get away from people who trash-talk other people, these people are toxic, there is a saying in my country that is like this: “If someone is at a table trash-talking someone who isn’t there, once you get up and leave, the next topic of conversation will be you.”

There are always old sayings that have a truth in them and do make sense. 

Do not believe when society claims that because you love yourself and put yourself first that means you are selfish, this isn’t true! Being selfish means someone who never helps anyone, only looks to their own belly button, and has no empathy for anyone. 

Thank God or whatever you believe, each day you wake up just for being alive and having a roof over your head, food, and so forth, simply be thankful, it will increase your mood and you will learn the meaning of the simple things in life. 

Take walks in nature, even if alone or with your pet or with a friend or boyfriend/husband/companion, for a minimum of 30 minutes. 

Last advice, read this article to know that having BPD isn’t the end of the world, so you feel relieved.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

My recommendations for readings, podcasts, and YouTube learning videos are:

• Jordan B. Peterson, Rodrigo Silva, Augusto Cury, Dr. Ramani, Joseph Campbell.
• I listen to and have one book from Jordan B. Peterson (12 Rules for Life: Antidote to Chaos) and I love watching and rewatching his speeches where he deciphers the bible with psychology. 
• Pastor Rodrigo Silva sermons and when he goes to podcasts like PrimoCast, he explains in detail the bible verses and stories, he’s also an archeologist and he speaks of psychology too.  
• Augusto Cury’s books are excellent to help with self-love, he’s a renowned psychiatrist and if I’m correct, he also works in the field of neuroscience. 
• Doctor Ramani on YouTube related to Narcissism, this helped me a lot because I come from a family that has one or more narcissists, my current, and other kin. It’s a generational problem and it keeps passing on from one generation to another and I’ve been the main one trying to break the pattern. If there isn’t one that breaks the pattern, the pattern keeps on going for generations, this is why, nowadays there is so much crime. 
• Rhonda Byrnes, her book named HERO, which is inspired by Joseph Campbell’s The Path of the Hero. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on the following websites:

• www.ritaisabel.com – my art website that’s currently in English.
• www.vilhenarita.com – currently in Portuguese.

You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram @ritaisabelart, @ritavilhenaphotography, and TikTok @ritavilhenaphotography.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Learned to Manage Depression and BPD Through Art and Self-Development appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

When you live in a small rural town like I have, the isolation you feel can feel overpowering. In those small towns, every action and word is judged, and when you are constantly judged and belittled, you are filled with doubt, hopelessness, and emptiness. Let’s step back a few steps, I forgot to introduce myself. 

Hi, my name’s Lydia, I’m a young adult who has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety disorder, depression, and C-PTSD.

I know what you’re thinking, wow that’s a lot of damage, and what I can say is simple. When you get your shiny new diagnosis, they don’t tell you about other things like executive dysfunction, imposter syndrome, or that you are prone to other things.

I’ve had to face my dyslexia head-on more and more as an adult. I’m a graphic designer who specializes in ad design, so spelling is kind of important.

In facing my dyslexia I’ve had to come to terms with my self-doubts and insecurities of not being like everyone else. It’s hard to feel happy when it’s your own head calling you a failure.

Since then I’ve been researching ways to help me feel better, and improve in all aspects of life. I know my journey is not complete, but when you’ve been dealing with all of this stuff since you were five, you tend to pick things up.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

For my whole life, I’ve been struggling with Autism and ADHD. Do you know the scene in Bluey where Jack forgets his hat? That was my entire childhood. Forgetting things and being criticized about them, going through the destroy-build-destroy phase, and having zero emotional control.

Later in life, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).

What I deal with is exhausting. Have you ever forgotten where you put your keys, or what you were going to say? That would happen to me at least 5 times in a morning. It’s not a big problem when it’s your keys, but it’s a major problem if it’s a person. 

When I got my diagnosis when I was a child, my doctor at the time told me by adulthood I’d grow out of it. I’m here to tell you that’s a load of BS. I struggle with my symptoms just as much as I did as a child, the only difference is I had more help when I was younger.

There is just more help out there for children with ADHD. Wanna know something else that no one tells you? The coping system you have as a child will not help you. So not only do you have to work twice as hard as your peers, but you get to learn new coping skills…yaaaaeee (I hope you noticed the sarcasm).

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Besides affecting my time management, my organization, and my work-life balance, Autism & ADHD also affected my social life. I was so lonely as a kid because I was different and weird. You have to remember, I had no impulse control and would just say and do whatever I was thinking about.

When you are a kid in school, your peers don’t see someone with a disability, they see a weirdo. What hurts the most is no matter how hard I tried to fit in, it never worked. I had many peers tell me to kill myself in high school (Zack Coble, I’m calling you out), or in middle school everyone would run away from where I was hanging at. 

During those years I had friends, but since I struggle with object permanence, I would forget they exist until I saw or talked to them again. Growing up I felt so isolated from my peers, parents, and teachers. In the first grade, I had a teacher named Mrs. Hill, she had no idea how to handle someone with my disability.

Instead of researching and trying to find a way to help, she taped a box on the floor. In front of the whole class, she told me that this was the only place I could be, I was not allowed to get up at all.

Not only did my peers now have another reason to pick on me, my needs were not being met and now she had an even better excuse to ignore me. From that point on I never told another teacher I was struggling, cause if abuse is one teacher’s response, the rest would be worse.

People knew I was struggling with ADHD and still, I was given no help. I finally was given help in college. So yes people knew, they just didn’t care. 

I started masking and trying to hide it in high school, so much so that now as a young adult I have no idea who I am as a person.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

College is when it started to turn around. It’s only just now realized by schools and parents that we need more help than most. And it’s not just that I can’t focus, or I’m not trying hard enough. Trust me, we are trying just as hard, if not harder. My struggle is still impacting me, my boyfriend doesn’t understand what I’m living with. That the same things he likes, my passion for the small stuff, and how excited I get also comes with the bad stuff. 

When you have Autism & ADHD it’s not about curing it or getting rid of it, it’s about learning how to live with it. Just like if you were blind you have other things that will help mitigate your symptoms like using a whiteboard to remember stuff, keeping things that you need on you at all times, doing tasks by timer, finding an organization method that helps you and caters towards your specific needs.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

With Autism and ADHD, it’s not about overcoming it. Trust me, I’ve tried for years.

It’s about learning to live with it. You first have to accept the fact no matter how you try to mask it, it’s going to be there. What helped me in the beginning was being faithful in taking my medicine. When I was younger, I was on a new ADHD med each year until I hit 12. Adderall, Ritalin, Strattera, name brand after brand, I’ve been on them all.

I stopped treatment at 12 because it all felt hopeless, I was either sick, a zombie, or both. I’ve recently been treating my Autism and ADHD with Vyvanse and that has been the only thing to not give me a negative response.

Now, medicine alone is not enough. Lucky for you, I’ve got a bunch of coping skills that can help. I’ve put them in list format to help:

Morning

• Set your alarm across the room and make it very obnoxious. Trust me, it will annoy you enough to overpower it. You also can’t doom scroll in bed if your phone isn’t near you.
• Set your medication by your alarm, coffee pot, or in your car. As long as you’re medication is where you plan to be first thing in the morning. As soon as you wake up you’re going to remember to take them. Some people say to put them by your bed. I actually don’t like that because it makes my executive dysfunction worse.
• Get up earlier than when you need to. I get up a full hour and 30 minutes earlier before I actually head to work to give myself time to settle, time for my medication to kick in, and just for myself to prepare mentally for the day because it takes a lot of energy. 

Night:

• Have a set time you have to be in bed. People who struggle with ADHD and Autism tend to have DSPS (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome). We just tend to wake up and go to bed later than everyone else. If we listen to our natural signs we are going to go to bed super late and get up super late. My set time to go to bed is 10:30 PM.
• No sugar for an hour and 30 minutes before bed. I know the recommendation is an hour but I just recommend adding the extra 30 minutes.

Every day:

• Always keep your important stuff on you at all times: my phone, keys, headphones, and cups literally never leave my sight.
• The bulkier the item, the easier to find. If you love your slim phone, I’m sorry but you’re going to need to get a clunky case. No, neon cases don’t work. If it’s on a flat surface good luck finding it. If you have a big ass OtterBox on it, it will not blend into the countertop. Same with car keys. The more shite you have on it, the easier it is to see.
• If you lose something, look in the fridge. A good chunk of the time what we are looking for is food. We were hungry when we lost it, there’s a good chance that it’s nearby food.
• If you can’t find it, look in unusual places. I have found my phone on top of the fridge, on the mower, a fence post, under my bed, in my laundry basket, and the weirdest on my grandpa’s old tack room. What is common in all these places? My mind was somewhere else.
• Find a job that is best for you and your disability. If you want to be an engineer and you have ADHD, it may not be the best career for you.  I’m not going to say you can’t because I’m sure there are many people with ADHD that are amazing engineers. It is just going to be exponentially harder. People with ADHD like change. Change makes dopamine go fast.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I’ve only shared my struggle with my family and my therapist. Since I faced bullying and public ridicule, until recently I’ve never felt comfortable sharing it with someone else.

If you’re like me and tend to hold on to all of your problems, I recommend talking to a therapist. They’re very open-minded. It’s a lot easier to talk to someone open-minded whenever you’re learning to talk about it.

When I was younger, here’s what helped: soup breathing. It’s a pretty simple exercise and hell, I use it to this day. I don’t use it to calm myself down, but more to treat my anxiety when it gets a little too scary.

The first step is you inhale. Then you just blow out like you’re trying to cool some soup off. So take a big deep breath. Hold it for like 4 seconds and then blow out through an o-shaped mouth until you’re out of air and keep doing that.

For the longest time, teachers and school counselors would make me uncomfortable talking about my struggles. They would always be quick to pass it off as me not trying hard enough or I’m just being lazy. They never seemed to understand. I was asking them for help. They always thought I just wanted to complain.

I had many teachers tell me that everyone else had it just as hard as I did. They didn’t want to learn what it’s like to be me. I remember going to the school counselors about genuine issues I’m having with teachers because they weren’t respecting my needs and being told that I was simply being overdramatic.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Don’t be afraid of taking medicine. For the longest time, I hated the idea of taking medication. Not only from bad experiences but feeling like I can’t do anything without it. It’s okay to feel like that but don’t let it be the reason you don’t at least try it.

Also, asking for help is okay. I know you don’t want to feel like you’re a burden to those you love, but trust me, your loved ones would rather help you than follow behind your coffin. If you feel like you’re alone and don’t have anyone to talk to, I recommend the Reddit subreddit r/ADHD.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• YouTube channel: How to ADHD
• TikTok channel: Conner DeWolf

Where can we go to learn more about you? (Links to social media, website, etc)

Nothing here!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Autism & ADHD: My Tips On Learning to Live With It Despite People Not Understanding appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hey, I’m Evander! I hail from The Hague in The Netherlands, and I am absolutely thrilled to say that I run my own business as a personal trainer. I am passionate about inspiring and supporting people to achieve their best possible health through personalized nutrition and exercise plans. 

On top of that, I also proudly serve in the Army Reserves, which gives me the opportunity to make a positive impact in my community and beyond.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I want to share my story about overcoming racism and facing bullies. While it’s never easy to talk about, I believe that by sharing my experiences, I can inspire others who may be going through the same thing.

I first experienced racism when I was around 10 or 11 years old, growing up in a small suburban town where being one of the only black kids meant standing out in a big way. It started with what seemed like harmless jokes and teasing, but over time, it became more hurtful and damaging to my self-esteem.

When my family moved to a new city, I went to an even more all-white community and unfortunately, the racism persisted. I was subjected to name-calling and even had gum put in my afro. It was tough, but I knew that I had to rise above it.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I felt completely alone and unhappy. I was dealing with the effects of racism, which made me feel like I was being judged and excluded simply because of the color of my skin. It was frustrating and disheartening, and even though I wasn’t being bullied as severely as others, the discrimination still had a significant impact on my happiness.

What made things even more challenging was that I didn’t have many friends, and I didn’t feel like I could talk to my father about what I was going through. It was a very isolating time for me, and I felt like I was on my own to try to figure things out.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

One day, some kids put a whole pack of gum in my afro hair, and my stepmother had to cut it out because it was too sticky.

I remember my father coming home from work and seeing all this happen, just to get super angry that I let it happen in the first place. Being the military man he is, he decided it was time I learned to stand up for myself.

The next morning, my father woke me up at the crack of dawn and drove me to a kickboxing gym two hours away. As I stepped inside the gym, the sight of tattooed, muscular men punching each other to the sound of Eminem music made me feel intimidated.

Even though I was skeptical, my dad signed me up for the gym. I spent an hour every weekend practicing kickboxing and another hour sparring with him in the attic. 

Though it was challenging and uncomfortable at first, I quickly learned that the sport was about more than just hitting your opponent. The gym was filled with respect, openness, and friendliness, and everyone was eager to help me improve while still pushing me forward.

As I continued to train, I began to feel more confident and happier. I even made new friends in the gym.

Now, at 12 years old and with a few years of kickboxing under my belt, I was relaxing on a swing in the playground in front of my house when I saw the same kids who had put gum in my hair. Their leader, Gale, approached me and wanted to fight.

My father watched from the kitchen window, but when I looked at him for help, he only shook his head. I knew I had to handle the situation myself.

The moment Gale walked up to me, he tried to kick me. It only took me 2 punches for him to give up and walk back toward his house with his head bent down.

I never saw him again after that day.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Don’t let racism and bullying isolate you from others. When I was faced with these challenges, my father taught me how to stand up for myself and without him, I probably would never have.

I found out that 99% of all bullies are trying to act like someone they are not. I’ve faced racism and bullying many times, but I always stood firm and the bullies always backed down. I never had to fight anyone (outside of the gym) because I was confident in my ability to defend myself if the need arose, and the bullies could sense it.

If you want to fend off bullies, start building your confidence.

In many cases, there may only be one or two bullies in a group, with the rest of the group simply following the leader. If you want to make a difference and improve the situation, it’s important to confront the leader, rather than focusing on the followers who may be too weak to stand up on their own.

When facing racism, it’s important to not fall into the role of a victim. Self-pity won’t help you overcome the situation.

Instead, think about what you need to do and who you need to become in order to change things. If you need to learn self-defense, then do it. If you need to confront the leader of the bullies, summon your inner strength and do it, even if it’s difficult. 

I can assure you that taking action will make you feel better.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I’ve kept my story to myself for the most part. Apart from my father, I don’t think anyone truly knows the challenges I’ve faced.

And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. I don’t need others to pity me or understand my struggles in order to feel great.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Building a strong and healthy body can give you the confidence you need to stand up for yourself in any situation, whether it’s through sports or other physical activities. Not only does physical exercise benefit your physical health, but it also contributes to a strong mind and increased self-confidence. 

Even highly successful individuals like Mark Zuckerberg recognize the importance of physical training, as evidenced by his daily MMA practice. 

So, start investing in your physical health today and discover how it can empower you to take control of your life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• David Goggins helped me realize that if you want to take action the best day to do it was yesterday. The next best day is today. If you want to take action do not procrastinate.
• David Goggins’ words have motivated me to embrace more challenges, and I am currently undertaking a self-imposed regimen known as monk mode. This involves 280 days of disciplined focus on my goals through diet, exercise, and meditation. Additionally, I came across the Welcyon blog, which has provided me with valuable workout tips and tricks that have further energized me to keep pushing forward.
• Another technique that gave me a motivational boost was to begin journaling regularly. According to Jo Larsen, putting our thoughts into words can be more emotionally impactful than simply thinking about them, and can be a powerful tool for overcoming obstacles and moving forward.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find more about me on my website or on my Twitter.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Evander Faced Bullies and Racism by Focusing on Self-Improvement appeared first on Tracking Happiness.