Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Brandon and I’m a consultant. I grew up outside Philadelphia, PA in a great household. I have an incredible family and I am the oldest of four boys. I grew up playing sports, traveling, and always had a video camera in my hand! Life is pretty good these days, but it wasn’t always this way… 

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My battle with alcoholism and addiction started off as a lot of fun. I started drinking at about 15 years old. The feeling of alcohol relieved a lot of internal issues of depression, anxiety, and any worries I had in my life at the time. It allowed me to let loose and enjoy myself in a way I hadn’t experienced until that first drink. 

After several years of drinking and smoking weed, my illness progressed into more of an issue. It started with reckless behavior that led to multiple arrests under the influence of a substance. It wasn’t a rare occurrence to end up in handcuffs with criminal charges after a night of binge drinking. 

I forgot to mention, but growing up I always loved movies. Two of my favorites were Scarface and Blow. This leads me into the addition of cocaine and other substances, including MDMA, ketamine, and meth into my drinking benders. This definitely made my nights out a bit more aggressive.

I quickly figured out that using cocaine would allow me to consume a lot more liquor and give me an additional buzz. This became a daily habit pretty quickly and didn’t seem too out of the ordinary because of the people I was surrounding myself with.

I continued this habit for several more years, naive that my addiction was progressing rapidly. It’s easy to see looking back retrospectively at this point. 

Alcohol and cocaine were the perfect combination for a while, I was able to stay out all night socializing and partying. After some time, I realized that cocaine was causing massive anxiety attacks and terrible depression.

As a great addict would do, I discovered Xanax and Percocet. I would use Xanax to help come down from alcohol and cocaine, then use Percocet and oxycodone to start the next day. Drinking and drugging are no longer serving me, it is destroying my life. Benzos and opiates were the start of a terrible new addiction that would control my life for the next 12 years. 

At this point in my addiction, I am a slave. I needed opiates from the moment my eyes opened in the morning until the moment I passed out at night. If I was awake, I needed to use it. I was no longer in control.   

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

All the passion I had for living was stripped away. My willpower was non-existent. I lied to myself day in and day out. I promised myself I would detox from opiates every single day for over a decade.

I truly believed that I would stop and against my will, I would be spending between $200-$300 a day on drugs. Opiates controlled who I saw, where I went, what I did, and every single aspect of my life was controlled by this terrible addiction. 

I tried my best to make it seem like I was fine, but I was a full-blown drug addict. My self-esteem and self-worth were gone. My self-talk was extremely negative, hoping that the person I saw in the mirror would die every single day. I would pray for God to fix me, I learned later that prayer without work is dead.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After years of suffering from addiction, someone introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was desperate for something to fix me, so I attended a meeting. When you’re on the verge of suicide, you start taking suggestions. I was unable to successfully detox myself at this point, so I attended the meeting high on opiates. But hey, at least I showed up.

I heard someone mention that this disease ends in three ways… “Jails, Institutions, and Death”. I guess I was too stubborn and didn’t take enough of a beating at this point, because I left the meeting that night saying “That will never be a part of my life”. Little did I know that Jails, Institutions, and Death would slowly start to consume everything around me. 

Over the next several years, four of my friends ended up serving 5-15 years in prison each for the distribution of narcotics and burglary. Five of my good friends overdosed and died on fentanyl. My amazing friend Alyssa hung herself in a prison cell from heroin withdrawal. My old roommate received a life sentence for a homicide related to drugs.

Thankfully, several of my buddies ended up in Mental Institutions and Treatment Facilities to receive proper help. I knew I needed to change, but I was still stuck in this delusional state of addiction where I thought I could get out of this on my own. My life was about to change in a big way over the next two years. 

I ended up in a traumatic motorcycle accident, fracturing my tibial plateau in several areas. I was in terrible pain, but my first thought was “How am I going to get enough pain medication to stop me from withdrawing and help the pain in any way?”. 

I was rushed to the hospital and went into emergency surgery. I woke up from surgery with an external fixation device from my ankle to thigh with 2 rods drilled into my femur and two rods drilled into my shin. My leg was drilled straight with rods for three weeks while the swelling went down enough to plan my second surgery.

I was at a local hospital and not too far from my dealer at this point. As soon as I could function, I texted him to visit me in the hospital to deliver $10,000 worth of opiates.

At this point, there was no hope of sobriety for me in the near future. They transferred me to an orthopedic specialty trauma center in the city for my next surgery. I went into surgery the day I arrived and woke up to excruciating pain.

I had 7 screws and a plate implanted into my tibial plateau and down my shin. They started me on a morphine IV, it did NOTHING for the pain. They tried Dilaudid, but I felt no relief whatsoever. Next, they hit me with a fentanyl IV, that’s exactly what I needed.

I experienced pain relief for about 45 minutes. I was cleared from the recovery room and sent to my inpatient room where I would click the dilaudid drip to maximum dispense limits every hour and sniff my stash every time the nurse left me alone for the next week. I was an immobile drug addict who had a long journey to recovery. I thought to myself, “If I’m going to overdose, at least I’m already in a hospital”. 

I was in a pretty bad mental, emotional, and physical place at this point. Maybe God is challenging me through this adversity to change my life forever?

My family was worried sick about me knowing how much I was suffering. After discharge, I had a home health physical therapist work with me three times a week to help me break through the scar tissue over 125 days to get a proper range of motion back in my knee joint. They also helped me learn to move from a wheelchair to a walker, to two crutches, to one crutch, to a cane, and finally walk on my own in an ankle-to-thigh brace.

Simultaneously, I was trying to figure out how to treat my addiction to opiates. I was already out on disability, so it would be the perfect time to go to an inpatient treatment center and clean my life up. Unfortunately, no rehabs could accommodate my physical therapy needs and this had to come first if I ever wanted to walk on my own again. 

My only option was to start an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). I humbly crutched myself into an IOP asking for help. I continued physical therapy and was attending IOP three times a week working with addiction therapists. I was learning a lot about sobriety and how people stay sober. The only problem was I couldn’t get sober.

As hard as I tried, the physical, mental, and emotional obsession would not let loose of its grip on me. I spent 7 months in IOP with no sober time. The therapists continued to tell me that I needed to get myself into an inpatient program and get separated from the drugs. I was ready to die before my ego would allow me to step foot into an inpatient rehab. 

I stopped going to IOP and continued feeding my addiction. My life started spiraling downward over the next few months. At this time I would go to AA meetings and watch YouTube videos trying to figure out how to sober up.

I realized that I needed serious help and medical attention if I ever wanted to end this suffering. I was finally given the gift of desperation. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I was ready to do anything and everything to get sober. For the first time in a long time, I was honest. I got honest with myself and everyone close to me. I was going to do whatever it took to successfully detox from the drugs and live a sober life.

I dropped my ego and asked for help. I committed myself to an inpatient treatment center for detox and addiction therapy. After my detox period, I attended every meeting, every small group, every 1:1 therapy session, and all the guest speaker meetings. It’s kind of funny, but I won three awards in treatment. I didn’t go in for an oil change, I was there to change my life forever.

They say “Your new life will cost you your old one”. I was ready to let go of everything in my past to become the man I admire in all ways. I clearly did not know how to get sober or stay sober so I was open to all suggestions from anyone that had overcome addiction. 

The most successful people in addiction recovery follow some sort of program. I began reading the big book of alcoholics anonymous to see what it was all about. I learned that drugs and alcohol were being used as the solution to all my deeper internal problems.

I had trauma to uncover and face. I began to understand my character defects, my shortcomings, my fears, my resentments from the past, all things that could lead me back to using. I used to be scared of change because I was so comfortable in my addiction.

In order to recover from my addiction, I had to face all these things and truly change who I am as a person. I needed to live in conscious congruency. I needed to pause my impulsive actions and decision-making.

Before I do anything, I ask myself, is this the right thing to do? Is this the honest thing to do? If everyone close to me can’t know what I’m doing, who I’m with, or where I’m going, it’s probably not the right or honest thing to do. Today, I realize how selfish my addiction really was. I was serving myself and destroying all those that cared for me. 

I’m working on a 12-step program today. I have a sponsor, I have a sober community to rely on, I attend meetings, and I have a great relationship with my family and friends who support my recovery.

Every day I try to find someone I can help, whether it’s helping someone move furniture, providing a meal, or talking with another alcoholic or addict. I pray for God to remove my self-pity and allow me to be of service to another person each day. When you transcend self and live to serve others, your life will change. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I live an honest life today. My friends and family know my story and are proud of the person I am today. I have a new purpose in life, to help others struggling with mental health, addiction, and recovering from traumatic injuries. 

There is a mental health and addiction stigma in today’s world. I see a lot more influential figures coming clean and speaking on the difficulties of mental health and struggles with addiction. We’re moving in the right direction to get people the help they need.

Next time you see your friend, don’t ask casually “How are you?”. Look them in the eyes, get present with them, and ask them “How’s your mental health?”.

We need to be more meaningful when catching up and checking on our people. That’s the difference between someone saying “I’m good” and moving on with their day and someone who just needed an extra push to get honest and tell you what’s really going on in their head.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Do not be afraid to ask for help. We can’t do this on our own, but with community, we can! The most courageous thing I ever did was ask for help. It truly saved my life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Fifth Vital: This book helped me realize that other people struggle with addiction just like me and there’s always hope! 
• Wes Watson on Youtube: Daily motivation and inspiration to live a better life and stay focused on your goals. 
• The Power of One More: The ultimate guide to happiness and success. 
• Keep it Simple: Daily motivation and quotes for healthy sobriety. I read this every single day!   
• Alcoholics Anonymous – The Big Book: If you’re struggling with substance abuse, this is a must-have! 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Recently, I’ve been working on a Recovery-Based Journal to help other struggling alcoholics and addicts. The project is called “The Comeback Series”. Please check us out on Instagram and Facebook.

We provide tools, resources, and knowledge for those looking to get sober or already working in a recovery program. If you send a DM, I will personally respond. Please do not hesitate to reach out!

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Journey From a Life of Alcohol and Drugs to Sobriety and Helping Others appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Mary Addison Yates and I like to be addressed by my first and middle name, MaryAddison. I’m a South Carolina native and have lived there most of my life, with the exception of three years in TN from the ages of 13-16.

I’m the second to oldest of five siblings, soon-to-be ex-wife, and co-parent with the father of our amazing 11-year-old boy/girl twins. I was a dental assistant for 20 years until 2020 when I had the courage to discover my passion and became an ICF certified life coach.

I’m extremely passionate about sharing my experience, strength, and hope to help people feel connected, seen, and heard. It is my belief that each and every human that is brought into existence is beautifully and uniquely created on purpose, for a purpose. Our life is evidence of our inherent worthiness; we do NOT have to earn it.

Feeling happy ebbs and flows for me depending on my inner state of being, outer circumstances, and attitude, but I can always find something to be grateful for. I feel the happiest when I have taken care of myself first, am fully present in the moment, and am focused on serving others.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I believe my struggles are a conglomeration of my DNA, my life experiences, how they affect me, and whether I have the awareness to address them. My greatest challenge was not knowing I was worthy of love due to experiencing emotional neglect as a child.

I experienced anxiety, panic attacks, and addiction for 16 years. I experience chronic musculoskeletal pain due to scoliosis, mood swings, brain fog, and fatigue due to perimenopause, poor working memory, time blindness, inattention, and hyperfocus due to ADHD. I am currently experiencing a cycle of depression due to having a major depressive disorder.

My earliest memory is of me desperately seeking evidence that my existence mattered. I felt unseen and unheard; invisible. The emotional pain was so intense I found a way to store all my feelings in my gut and disassociate from my body.

I had a constant stream of thoughts running through my mind. I used people-pleasing and strove for an undefined version of perfectionism in an attempt to feel useful and worthy of love.

I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation around age 14, started taking anti-depressants, and began therapy. I was also introduced to drugs and alcohol around that time, and it was a way to quiet the constant noise in my head.

At some point I crossed an invisible line that took me from recreational use to not having a choice whether I was going to drink and do drugs, it was only a matter of when I would again; no matter how many times I swore to myself that I was going to stop.

When I was younger, I worked extremely hard in school to make good grades but it was extremely challenging for me. Either I was undiagnosed with ADHD or I was unaware of it. Either way, I didn’t think I was as smart as everyone else because schoolwork seemed so much more difficult for me.

As I got older, I thought I was lazy, unmotivated, and irresponsible. I would start many projects but had a hard time finishing them. Trying to manage a job, household, and motherhood seemed so overwhelming and I judged myself extremely harshly. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I was so used to people-pleasing and masking my pain, that most people didn’t seem to notice that I was extremely depressed. Eventually, I barely went around people who cared about me.

In my darkest moments, I wanted my life to end. I was drinking so heavily on a daily basis, I would black out (be awake and functioning but have no memory of what I did) and behave in demoralizing and dangerous ways.

When I would wake up and learn about what I had done the night before from someone else, I was so ashamed of myself. I hated who I had become, it was a vicious cycle and a living hell.

Yet, somehow I was able to become a dental assistant when I was 20 years old. I could only keep a job for 1-3 years before I let my anger and resentment slip out and get fired for being disrespectful to my bosses.

I was a really hard worker and could hide my feelings for a while so I was always able to get a new job. I wasn’t able to recognize that I needed help because I didn’t see myself as the stereotypical addict begging for money, living in an abandoned house or under a bridge somewhere.

I met my future husband when I was 26 but I never felt truly connected to him. I felt just as invisible to him as I did to everyone else. When we decided we wanted to have children, by some miracle, I was able to abstain from drinking just before and during my pregnancy.

I coped by being very controlling, a shopaholic, and a workaholic. The twins were born when I was 31 and postpartum depression led me back to the only solution I thought I had: drinking. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment I recognized that I’d rather be drinking than taking care of my babies was simultaneously the most horrifying and most wonderful moment of my life.

It was at that point that I was given the gift of desperation, to do something different. I met with my therapist and she recommended that I attend a 12-step recovery meeting.

I was terrified but I was determined to figure out how to overcome my pain and addiction. For 32 years I felt lost and broken. Twelve-step recovery was the beginning of a life I never even dreamed could be possible.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

After I was aware that I had a problem, that I needed help, and became willing to seek it. Being a part of a 12-step program gave me a group of people who could relate to my experiences and feelings. It gave me hope and showed me that it was possible to get better.

Having a mentor help me through the process of the 12 steps taught me how to become aware of my thoughts and actions, to understand what I could and couldn’t control, how to be responsible and accountable, and how to connect with and rely on a Higher Power- who loves me unconditionally.

Treating my disease of addiction is something I focus on, daily. It has been one of the key elements that have allowed me to practice acceptance and experience moments of happiness and joy every single day.

Understanding how ADHD affects the way my brain works has been a huge part of learning to love and accept myself. I now understand that ADHD is a superpower that I can work with vs. trying to do things in a neurotypical way and feeling like a failure.

One of the things I learned was that I am not necessarily motivated by what is important, I’m motivated by what is either urgent or interesting to me. I can use this information to ensure I have a specific deadline to complete a task and/or gamify anything that’s boring or mundane to me.

For example, grocery shopping is a monotonous task that I would avoid, but I can gamify it by setting a time limit for how long it can take for me to get everything I need and check out.

Before I go, I can write the list in order of the way the store is laid out and when I’m there I get to find the quickest ways around other people to try and beat the time I set for myself.

I continue seeing a therapist to help me process past events and emotions. Currently, I am seeing a therapist that uses a technique that allows me to express and process my emotions.

I have also learned to use EFT Tapping (emotional freedom technique), a mind-body therapy that involves tapping key acupressure points on the hands, face, and body with your fingertips while focusing on uncomfortable feelings or concerns, and using positive affirmations to neutralize those feelings.

It’s critical to utilize my psychiatrist to manage my medication for depression. It’s been my experience that depression is a process of gradual decline and oftentimes it is hard to notice until I’ve gotten to the point of hopelessness.

I just recently recognized that I was suffering from depression again. Having someone who knows my history and is able to ask the right questions to assess my levels of depression is vital for me.

To support my physical body, I see an integrative medical practitioner to help monitor and treat any nutritional and hormonal abnormalities. I also see a chiropractor and massage therapist on a regular basis to manage my chronic pain.

I also have daily self-care practices that ensure I make time to nurture my mind, body, and spirit. Sleep, hydration, movement, Epsom salt baths, meditation, mindfulness, time in nature, feeling my feelings, giving myself compassion, reaching out to others, and making time for creativity are some ways I increase my ability to experience happiness.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I am an open book. I truly believe my darkest experiences as well as my moments of joy and happiness are equally important and necessary to experience life fully in its entirety.

If I can help one person feel that their experience is relatable and recognize that they are not alone, and that there’s hope that they, too can experience happiness, I will feel fulfilled. We all want to feel like we matter, want to be seen, heard, and in connection with our humanity.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Find something to be grateful for. One of the most powerful tools I have is gratitude. I am NOT advocating for you to ignore your struggles or to try to be positive all the time, this can be very damaging. Instead, I like to acknowledge, validate and express my feelings to myself and then I search for something to be grateful for.

When I first started my gratitude practice, I would write down three things I was grateful for each day. It wasn’t easy, but before long the list would fill my entire page and now it’s almost automatic. I can honestly say that even through challenging times, I am extremely grateful that I now understand I am worthy of love, and have the ability to advocate for my well-being.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was an incredibly eye-opening and useful resource that helped me understand what codependency was, losing oneself in the name of helping another, understanding that I am powerless to change anyone but myself and that caring for myself is where healing begins.
• The book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown revolutionized my understanding of worthiness. It was the catalyst that began my journey to practice courage, compassion, and connection with others. It is a book I will read over and over again because I always learn something new depending on how I’ve processed the concepts since the last time I read it. 
• The podcast ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka is the number one tool I recommend to women who have been diagnosed with ADHD and women that I suspect have ADHD but are undiagnosed or unaware. It is the most empowering show I have found that focuses on the strengths of ADHD and shares other women’s relatable experiences. It helped me understand the signs and symptoms that women with ADHD experience and I stopped shaming myself for the brain I was gifted with!
• The app Insight Timer is my go-to app for thousands of guided meditations, sound healing music, courses, and more. The free version is packed with value. You can search by any topic and filter by rating score or length of time. I especially love it for my afternoon naps!

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Learn about my coaching practice, speaking events, podcast interviews, and more on my website.

Find my story in the Amazon best-selling book Magnetic Abundance: Stories of those who have tuned to their heart’s mission.

Feel free to reach out via email, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How the 12-Step Program and Therapy Helped Me Deal With Addiction, Depression & ADHD appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Jonathan. I currently live in Israel. I am unemployed, but constantly look for a job that I might be able to maintain despite my difficulties.

I have a dog and a cat. Both weren’t really mine initially, but I have a tendency to take in animals.

I’m very passionate about creativity – as a consumer of music, films, books, visual art, and also as a creator. For most of my life, I didn’t allow myself the title of ‘creator’ as I deemed myself not good enough, but I try to shift that stiff perspective.

I wouldn’t consider myself happy, but I do have moments of happiness, and I try to allow myself to immerse as much as I can in them, instead of rejecting the feeling when it comes.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Clinical depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and Binge Eating Disorder. I coped by self-medicating with alcohol and pills, and so for a few years, the problem was alcoholism. When I got sober, I became obsessed with food.

Food was always an underlying issue, though. I only found my fondness for alcohol when I was looking for alternatives to eating in my teenage years. 

The obsession over death and dying was always there. The need to disappear, to be forgotten, was always present. Food was a way to have some sense of control inside that chaos, and over the years that struggle presented itself as anorexia, binge eating, purging with exercise, self-harm, and then alcohol and pills (mostly Xanax).

It has been a daily struggle for me and for any person who was around me, who is around me. I was sucking the air out of every room I walked into, and treated others unfairly out of being so blindly obsessed with my own issues.

I lied, cheated, stole, and lied again. To others, to myself. Even people who were taking care of me – therapists, carers at rehabs, other addicts. Lies upon lies, to escape the shame.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I would fantasize about dying and vanishing off the face of the earth. The only problem I could think of was that the memory of my existence would remain after my death – and I couldn’t handle that. 

Happiness wasn’t even in my vocabulary other than a cruel word to describe the opposite of the sheer misery I felt. The misery I still feel, most days.

It was apparent to everyone that I came across. I hated their concern. The pity. Which just drove me further into shame and more using and more shame and so on. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I was drunk on the bathroom floor in a motel in Venice. It was a few weeks after a breakup, I sobered up in those few weeks as I tried to make believe that I can change and that I’m in control.

My mother saw what state I was in, and booked a flight for us to Venice. Just to get me out of that house, for some miracle to happen. 

The second night there, I relapsed and I couldn’t handle it – laying there in a foreign country, wasted and hungry, with my poor mother in the next room who paid the money she didn’t have just to try and make me feel better.

To prevent me from going through with that fantasy of dying in my room. Something broke and I asked for help, for the first time I ASKED instead of being forced into receiving help.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I’m still very far from overcoming anything, but I have almost a year of sobriety, and I feel proud of that.

I went to rehab, I failed  – and went again. I tried going to groups afterward, wasn’t my thing, so I reached out to specific people that I felt like I could trust, or at least trust enough to be able to share with them and listen when they had something to say. 

I had to stop working out and try to manage my eating for a while. I felt shittier, I looked worse – but I feel like from that came an ability I didn’t have before, which is the ability to have some wiggle room. 

Being sober or being ‘okay’ isn’t about becoming perfect. 

A lot of people expect to look better or earn more or fall in love and so on. Sure, it can happen – but those are not pillars to build yourself on, because they can fade.

You need to do an inventory with yourself or a therapist, look into who you are that brings you such shame or guilt, and start confronting that.

For me, I have to keep reminding myself that things aren’t as big as they seem in the moment. If something goes wrong, my tendency is to balloon it up to enormous proportions and then I get so anxious that I HAVE to use it. 

I think I got lucky in a twisted sense, on that bathroom floor in Venice. I’ve been drunk on floors more times than I can remember  – but that time I felt so crushingly alone that I HAD to try something else.

So it’s 50% luck, 40% determination to not go through withdrawals ever again, and 10% a realization that I never wanted drugs or alcohol or even to look good or eat yummy things. I just wanted to feel at peace.

Now I know where the peace isn’t, so I keep looking, finding glimpses, and then it’s gone again. You have to keep looking, knowing you’ll probably never find it for more than a few moments, and that it’s enough.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

A bit, some parts.

Honestly, I don’t feel able to share everything with anyone, as I’m still carrying shame around it. I did share some things in rehab, with a close friend, with my current girlfriend. 

I’ve found that it’s easier for me to open up about my alcoholism and pill abuse and not about my eating disorder. Maybe because there’s a weird romanticization of being an alcoholic, whereas food problems lack the glamor. I need to work on that.

I do not feel comfortable sharing with most of my family or people who were my friends, some of them are very religious and some would just not understand and would see it as if I’m saying they are flawed for not being able to understand, which is obviously not my intention when I share.

It’s hard if I try to do it for myself, but for some strange reason, it comes much more easily if I feel it would be for someone else’s benefit. 

It’s a cliff I’ve been living on my whole life, so if I see someone else standing there I feel compelled to share, even if my experiences are embarrassing or painful to me in a bad light (which is fair. I’ve been an arse for a long time).

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Nothing remains the same. It might look the same or feel the same – but it’s not. We are constantly shifting, inside and out, taking from and giving back to the feedback loop around us.

If you can do something that you deem helpful even just once – it’s a step that already changed you a bit. Every sip you didn’t take counts, every hobby you’ve tried gave you something.

When you fall, embrace it and try to move forward again, as impossible or pointless as it seems. I know I’d hate reading these words, but I had to write them. I hope someday you’ll be able to read them and understand why.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I read and listened to whatever I could find, from Gabor Mate to I’m Glad My Mom Died.

But honestly, it’s not about anything that anyone else can say or how much you understand about the mechanisms that move you, It’s about sitting with yourself and trying to be.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

No social media for me.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Journey From Alcoholism to 1 Year Into Sobriety and Better Mental Health appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Mary Beth O’Connor and I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I am 29 years sober from a methamphetamine addiction that began when I was 16 and lasted until 32. I also am in recovery from trauma-created PTSD and severe anxiety.

Six years into my recovery, I attended Berkeley Law school and at twenty years sober was appointed a federal administrative law judge. 

I do consider myself happy at this point. I am in a supportive and loving marriage and have strong relationships with friends and family. I am retired and find my current activities to be rewarding and an opportunity for me to be of service to the recovery community.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

I grew up with a mother who wasn’t bonded to me and, for many years, lived with a stepfather who was verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive.

As a result, with my first exposure to alcohol, drug use appealed to me as a pain-reduction and happiness-increasing activity. I started drinking at age 12, then moved on to pot, pills, and acid.

At 16, I found my drug of choice, methamphetamine, which I began shooting up at 17. I had a few years of somewhat reduced drug use for the first years of college, then slid back due to a multi-assailant rape and abusive boyfriend. I lived in increasing misery until I was 32. I also struggled with PTSD and severe anxiety but didn’t realize this until in therapy after I got sober.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

After the initial period of joy and stress/pain relief, using drugs became compulsive and obsessive, despite the increasingly negative consequences.

As I destroyed myself professionally, and my physical and emotional health deteriorated, I felt miserable and hopeless. I saw no way out of this horrible existence. 

I felt like I had no choice because, other than continuing to shoot meth, the only other options I saw were suicide or being institutionalized for a mental breakdown. I didn’t believe it was possible for me to stop drugs or to experience any happiness.

Although I tried to hide my deterioration, my partner, many friends, and my employers could see that something was amiss, although they didn’t know it was meth. Occasionally people tried to talk to me about it, but I brushed them off and avoided the conversations. Even doctors rarely raised the subject, and when they did, I similarly wiggled out of any serious discussion.

When I finally told a doctor how bad it was, he didn’t understand addiction and claimed I’d naturally stop if I took antidepressants, which I tried but of course, this failed.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

At 32 years old, I had been using drugs for twenty years. I was having physical problems as a result of my lengthy methamphetamine use disorder and was exhausted beyond measure. I was hopeless and unable to function.

My partner was about to kick me out, so I went into rehab for my substance use disorder. The program wasn’t a good fit, though, as they insisted that the 12-step approach of Alcoholics Anonymous was the only way to attain sobriety.

I couldn’t agree with several of their foundational principles, such as turning my will and my life over to a higher power. But I took charge of my recovery and filtered everything they taught in classes and all the 12-step ideology through the filter of “will this work for me?”

I used those ideas I thought would contribute to my success and rejected all the others. I also actively sought out alternative programs and found several. I took the same approach with these new options, considering all the concepts and applying those I found useful. 

This built up my confidence and competence, which helped me tackle all areas of my life. I used this approach in my therapy and other work on my PTSD and anxiety, for my professional development and in my relationships.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Write up a list of goals and then select 3 to 5 high-priority items. Research and consider a wide range of ideas that might help you overcome your struggles. Then analyze which will be useful to you at this point in time. Re-evaluate your plan every few months, noticing your successes and where you didn’t accomplish what you’d hoped. Update your list of priorities, goals, and plans, and do this regularly going forward. 

Remember that most improvement is incremental. If you try to leap over the necessary steps, you might well fail or not gain all the benefits from a more systematic approach.

What is my next goal? What do I need to do to help me reach that goal? Then do it. Your motivation and your efforts are the most important factors in determining the outcome, although you often don’t have total control. 

Try to find hope that you will succeed, perhaps by finding or reading about others who have done so. Doing the hard work is easier if you believe that you can achieve your goals and overcome your challenges. Doing the work is difficult at times, but giving up and living with your struggle or in your current situation forever is harder.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In my early recovery, I was selective about why I told. Over time, I shared with more people and in more depth.

I didn’t share my recovery from substances, my trauma, or my mental health history with anyone at work for over 20 years. I didn’t feel this was the business of my employer and didn’t want to have word get around the office if I told someone. I also was concerned about the stigma and uninformed judgment that might follow.

Once I retired, in 2020, I became fully open about my story. I announced in an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal that I was a former intravenous meth addict and a former judge.

I wrote my story in great detail in my memoir From Junkie to Judge: One Woman’s Triumph Over Trauma and Addiction. I speak regularly and openly on TV, radio, and podcasts, and at conferences and recovery houses. I talk about my addiction, my trauma history, and my recovery. I also educate these audiences about drugs, addiction, trauma, and recovery.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

When you’re in misery and pain, it can be difficult to see a way out. The only solution is to try. And, even with your best efforts, to accept that your recovery, from whatever struggle, will not be perfect or as fast as you wish.

If you can accept incremental improvement and see that your life is on an upward trajectory, this will make the process easier and more rewarding.

In addition, for most of us, seeking help from professionals, peers, family, or friends can be useful. This doesn’t mean they decide what plan will work for you, but rather that they might have good ideas to consider and that they can offer emotional support during the tough days.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I found Gabor Mate’s In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score to be particularly useful in understanding my trauma and the connection to my addiction.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Currently, I am the author of the memoir From Junkie to Judge: One Woman’s Triumph Over Trauma and Addiction. I’ve also had essays published in The Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles, Times, Recovery Today, and others. I speak about many topics related to addiction and recovery, including peer support options. I’m on the board for LifeRing Secular Recovery and She Recovers Foundation.

You can find more about me on my website, LinkedIn, or my Twitter.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post I Overcame My Meth Addiction and Became a Federal Judge appeared first on Tracking Happiness.