Being bold doesn’t mean smashing pens at your colleagues whenever they disagree with you and throwing a tantrum. Instead, you want to be respectful and assertive when you’re bold. Depending on your personality, this can be challenging. But the benefits of being bold far outweigh the potential negative outcomes.

If standing up for yourself and being bold sounds like a nightmare to you, you’re in the right place. This article shows you why it’s important to be bold in your life, with actionable tips to help you get started.

What it means to be bold

Being bold can be hard. Especially if you’re a person that values peace and tries to avoid conflict at all times.

Why is it important to be bold? This quote sums up it rather nicely.

If you don’t have any enemies in life you have never stood up for anything.

Winston Churchill

Being bold means “not hesitating or fearful in the face of actual or possible danger or rebuff”. This often translates to standing up for what you believe in, despite potentially stepping on someone’s toe.

For example, imagine you’re in a meeting at work and everybody around you agrees on something that you don’t believe in. If you’re bold, you’d stand up for your opinion and make your case.

• Even if it means that you want to prove your colleagues wrong.
• Even if it means the meeting will take twice as long.
• And even if your manager will want to speak with you afterward.

In other words, being bold means speaking up or acting up, without dwelling on the potential negative consequences of your actions.

What being bold does not mean

Being bold might be considered a good thing, but if you go too far, you’ll not only be bold but you may also be mean, disrespectful, and careless.

These are things that you should be wary of. Instead, you should try to be bold in a positive way:

• By being assertive in your communication, but not hurtful.
• By always respecting the opinion of someone else.
• By not letting your emotions get the upper hand, and following rationality instead.

How do you know if you’ve been too bold? You can often get a pretty good idea from the people you’re with.

When people give you positive feedback and they continue to ask for your opinion, you’ve probably done a good job.

If, on the other hand, you’re not invited to meetings anymore, chances are you’ve gone over the line.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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Why it’s important to be bold sometimes

As discussed, deciding to be bold may result in some negative outcomes. When you say no, go against the grain, or challenge the norm based on what you truly believe in, you may face rejection or retaliation.

However, when you’re in the right and you eventually find the courage to speak up, it can be very rewarding. It may help you:

• Get others to respect you more
• Give a voice to the oppressed.
• Get out of an unjust situation.
• Make a real difference in your community.
• Get what you truly deserve.
• Bring people together.

Some of these benefits are even backed up by studies.

Being bold can increase your confidence

It often seems like confidence and boldness go hand in hand. After all, how can you be bold if you’re not confident and don’t believe in yourself?

But does confidence lead to boldness, or is it the other way around? A 2017 study found a significant positive correlation between assertive behavior and self-esteem in adolescents. Although it’s unclear which came first, high self-esteem or assertive behavior, the link between them is undeniable.

Being bold can give a voice to the oppressed

It takes only one bold person to inspire a group of people to stand up.

The best example of this that I know of is the #MeToo movement. This movement sparked a revolution among women who have experienced different forms of sexual harassment and hadn’t found the courage to speak up until then.

If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet. pic.twitter.com/k2oeCiUf9n

— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) October 15, 2017

This study extracted Twitter posts using the hashtag #MeToo and found that, aside from telling their harassment stories, these victims also expressed how these experiences affected them. This led to more and more people forming opinions, discussing their views, and engaging in social activism.

This is a beautiful example of how it may only take one bold person to cause a change in the world. By being bold, you’ll be more likely to actually change the world for the better.

8 ways to be bolder in life

By now, it should be clear that being bold comes with a lot of benefits (and some potential pitfalls).

But how can you actually become bolder in life, especially when this doesn’t seem to be part of who you are? Here are 8 ways to be bold in life, regardless of your personality type.

1. Find your values in life

It’s much easier to be bold if you know what you stand for. Being bold and speaking up often starts from figuring out and defining your values. 

There are many ways to go about this. For example, you can simply try to brainstorm and write down behaviors and characteristics that you value in yourself and others. But on a more specific level, you can also write down your goals for a project at work. If you know what you’re goals and values are, it’ll be easier to stand up for yourself whenever it’s needed. 

The most important thing to know is to take as much time as you need and be completely honest with yourself. Keep in mind that values in different domains of life can sometimes contradict each other: you may value independence in your personal life and cooperation at work or vice versa.

You may also find that your values don’t entirely align with those of your colleagues or role models. Don’t be discouraged if these things happen: you’re working out your own values, not someone else’s. 

2. Keep yourself informed

While being bold and assertive is something positive, you don’t want to be known as a bold, uninformed and naive person. If that happens, being bold suddenly loses its appeal, right?

If you stand up for yourself and be bold, it’s important to be informed about whatever you’re doing. If you’re in a meeting and make a case about something that goes against your colleagues, you better make sure you can handle a bit of resistance.

The more informed you are, the more confident you can be in taking a side or making a stand. You are also less susceptible to disrespect, hostility, and rejection if you have all the facts straightened out.

It’s important to not just look for information that supports your opinion. It’s arguably even more important to explore the counter-arguments. Why would someone disagree with what you believe in? When you’re properly informed about all the angles, you’ll be better able to stand up for yourself without being silenced by the opposition.

This also helps you mitigate most of the risks that come with being bold. If you’re trying to be bold without being informed, you may come across as reckless.

3. Say no

So far, we’ve talked about knowing your values and keeping yourself informed. These things are important pieces of the puzzle, but they don’t actually make you bold.

Here’s something that does help you be bolder in life: say no more often.

You must realize that “No” is a complete sentence.

If someone asks you something that you’re not obliged to do and don’t want to do, you can simply say “No” and leave it at that. You don’t always have to justify why you can’t make it to a party, or why you can’t work overtime on the weekends.

By becoming more comfortable with saying “No”, you’ll find it easier to be more true to yourself. In James Altucher’s book The Power of No, he asserts that saying “No” more often is really saying “Yes” to your own life. A life that’s more meaningful for you. Whereas too much ‘yes’ can leave us drained emotionally and physically from overcommitment to others.

If you want more tips on how to say no more often, you may like our article on how to stop being a people-pleaser.

4. Learn to resolve conflicts instead of avoiding them

People may be angry or disappointed in you when you say no, especially if they’re used to you saying yes. Emotions, even negative ones, are a natural part of human relationships. A good relationship isn’t necessarily one without conflict, but rather one where conflicts are resolved.

It isn’t your job and responsibility to keep others happy.

If someone is angry at you or has hurt and insulted you, address the issue. State the issue and your feelings about it and let the other person have their say. Use “I” statements and avoid making assumptions about how the other person might feel.

For example: “I didn’t like how you made the decision without discussing it with me first.” or “I can see that you are angry with me. You were counting on me to come along with your plan and I didn’t.”

This is a great way to not only be bold, but also assertive and respectful towards others.

5. Tell the truth

An important step in living a bold life is, unsurprisingly, telling the truth.

• If you don’t find something funny, then don’t laugh.
• If you don’t agree with what someone says, then don’t.

This John Lennon quote sums it up really nicely:

Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.

John Lennon

By not being genuine, you begin a chain reaction of dishonest approval of what you dislike, encouraging more of it in the future. In this way, you can help to create an atmosphere in your life that you don’t actually like. It’s like going along with a shade of blue for the living room that you’re not actually that keen on.

This closely aligns with our article on living a life true to yourself, which contains more tips like this one!

6. Embrace the discomfort

If you’ve never stood up for yourself or said no, expressing your true opinions can be scary. However, in order to grow and learn, you’ve got to get out of your comfort zone.

For example, when somebody asks you to do something and you answer “No”, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable to just leave it at that.

While it may be in your nature to want to explain yourself, you’ll want to resist this urge. Don’t go on a tirade about how tired and busy you are, even if it’s true. Instead, politely say no, and leave it at that. When pressed for an explanation, just say that you cannot do that right now.

Here are some useful phrases to remember for the next time you want to say no:

• I cannot do that right now.
• Thank you for thinking of me, but I will have to pass on that (for now).
• I don’t think I’m the best person to help you with that.
• I cannot help you right now, but I’d be happy to help next week/month/etc.

Use that last one sparingly and only for those projects that you’d genuinely like to be a part of, but can’t right now because you’ve got too much on your plate already.

7. Cultivate a growth mindset

Embracing a growth mindset is pivotal in becoming bolder. People with a growth mindset believe their abilities and intelligence can be developed over time, which encourages risk-taking and resilience.

Start by acknowledging your potential for growth and change. Recognize that every challenge is an opportunity to learn and improve.

Regularly set small, achievable goals that challenge your current abilities. Celebrate the learning process, not just the outcome. When facing setbacks, analyze what went wrong and how you can improve, instead of getting discouraged. This approach fosters a sense of boldness as you become more comfortable with uncertainty and change.

8. Build a supportive network

Surrounding yourself with supportive people can significantly boost your boldness. The people you surround yourself with provide encouragement, offer different perspectives, and can be sounding boards for your ideas. They push you to go beyond your comfort zone and help you bounce back when things don’t go as planned.

Actively seek relationships with people who inspire and motivate you. Attend networking events, join clubs or groups aligned with your interests, and participate in community activities.

Don’t forget to be a supportive figure for others as well – offering support can be just as empowering as receiving it. This mutual exchange of encouragement and ideas cultivates an environment where boldness thrives.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

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Wrapping up

I hope by now you have a better idea of how to be bold in life, even when it’s not in your personality. Being bold may not make you the most friendly person in the office, but it can help you get the respect you deserve.

What do you think? Are you a bold person by nature, or are you finding it hard to express your opinion over someone else’s? Do you have a tip to add to this article? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post 8 Ways to be Bold and Confident (and Why it’s Important!) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

When you value yourself, you believe you are deserving of respect, love, and success, and you are willing to invest your time and energy into bettering yourself and working towards your goals. Though developing your sense of self-value can be a long-term journey, there are many things you can do to work towards valuing yourself more. 

This article will dive into what self-value is, why it is so important, and some things you can do to increase your sense of self-value. 

What does it mean to value yourself?

Self-value and self-worth are two concepts that are often used interchangeably.

Self-worth is defined as “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person”.

Self-value goes beyond regarding yourself as worthy or important. As Stonsy (2014) states, “self-value is more behavioral than emotional, more about how you act toward what you value than how you feel about yourself compared to others”.

To have self-value means you not only recognize yourself as inherently worthy but are also willing to invest your time and energy into nurturing and sustaining yourself.

Valuing yourself by putting your needs and desires first is not selfish; it is an integral step to strengthening both your belief in yourself, as well as improving important relationships in your life. Having strong self-value plays an essential role in how you see and treat yourself every single day.

The concept of ‘valuing yourself’ means that you believe you are worthy of love, respect, success, happiness, and all things good. It means you believe in your capabilities and recognize the innate strengths and resilience within you. If you value yourself, it makes it easier to take actionable steps towards growth and achieving your goals.

Valuing yourself does not mean you devalue others. In fact, having a strong sense of self-value means that you also value others, and extend your self-nurture and self-care to the relationships and communities present in your life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

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Why is it so important to value yourself?

Believing in your value is a crucial element of living a life where you feel good about yourself with no influence from another person or external source.

Valuing yourself first allows you to understand and believe you are worthy of love, affection, and good things in life. When you believe these things, it becomes easier to appreciate validation and recognition from the outside world when it comes. 

If you do not value yourself, no amount of love, appreciation or recognition from external sources will satisfy you. Rather, devaluing yourself will lead you to believe that you are not deserving of such accolades.

Additionally, it can also lead you to experience more negative self-talk and experience more self-esteem and self-image issues.

A study conducted at the University of Michigan found that college students who based their self-worth on external sources, such as appearance, approval from others, and academic stress, reported higher stress, anger, academic issues, and relationship conflicts and had higher levels of drug and alcohol use, as well as symptoms of eating disorders. 

Additionally, the same study found that students who based their self-worth on internal sources, such as being a virtuous person or adhering to moral standards, were found to do better academically, and were less likely to use drugs or alcohol, or develop eating disorders.

Another study found that those with high self-esteem suffer less emotional distress when encountering negative feedback from others. The research clearly illustrates the importance of building a strong sense of internal self-value, rather than basing your self-worth and value on outside sources. 

Ways to value yourself more

Building up your sense of self-value is no small feat, but thankfully there are things you can do to help.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others

We all do it; it is natural to compare yourself to others and think that you are not doing enough or are lacking in some aspect of life.

Comparing yourself to others can have detrimental impacts on your sense of self-value and overall mental health.

It does not matter what other people are doing, what they think of you, or what they have accomplished. Your personal sense of self-value is far more important to nurture and maintain.

Although it is easier said than done, when you stop comparing yourself to others you can begin to focus on your own unique path, your goals, and what you personally value in life.

If you need pointers on this aspect of your life, here’s our article on how to stop comparing yourself to others.

2. Set boundaries!

Your self-value and the boundaries you set for yourself go hand in hand.

Setting personal boundaries for yourself means that you get to define how you would like to be treated by others. They allow you to protect yourself from being taken advantage of or mistreated.

Having a strong sense of self-value combined with secure boundaries shows that you respect yourself and that you expect the same respect from others. 

Sometimes it can feel uncomfortable to set a boundary, as we feel like it can be mean or selfish (it is not!). However, you are doing yourself a disservice if you are not establishing clear and respectful boundaries in your life, as it can often lead to a pattern of neglecting yourself in order to appease others or tolerating disrespectful or harmful behavior.

The more you are able to practice boundary setting in your life, the more people will treat you with the respect and kindness that you deserve; and those who are unable to abide by those boundaries may not be conducive to the healthy relationships you need and want in your life.

Here’s how to set boundaries in your life with others in 5 simple steps.

3. Challenge your negative self-talk

Our internal voice plays a significant role in how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Everyone experiences negative self-talk from time to time; it is natural!

What’s important is being able to recognize and challenge your critical self-talk. If you continue to let your inner critic thrive with no challenge or intervention, you will begin to believe these thoughts and treat them as a fact. To build and sustain a strong sense of self-value it is important to be able to first identify when negative self-talk is occurring.

Some common forms of negative self-talk include:

• Personalizing: personalization means that you believe that you are to blame for something even if you had little or nothing to do with the outcome, or it is beyond your control. Some examples of personalization include thoughts like “everyone is mad at me” or “it’s all my fault”.
• Catastrophizing: this happens when you automatically assume the worst-case scenario is going to happen. For example, “I am not in the mood for hanging out with my friends, but if I don’t go to the party, they will not like me anymore and I will be lonely forever”.
• Filtering: filtering means that you amplify the negative parts of a situation and ignore the positive. For example, you just finished playing a soccer game and your coach compliments your performance multiple times. He also adds one piece of constructive criticism. Instead of accepting and appreciating positive feedback, you can only focus on constructive criticism.
• Polarizing: when you are experiencing polarizing self-talk, it means you only see things as good or bad. An example of polarizing thoughts is thinking that you have to be perfect or else you are a failure.

These types of negative self-talk can be difficult, but there are things you can do to conquer them. Some common questions you can ask to challenge your negative thoughts include:

• Is there any evidence to support this thought?
• Is this thought factual? Would it be accepted as a fact by other people? 
• Am I jumping to conclusions? 

4. Seek therapy

Exploring therapy as an option to strengthen your sense of self-value can be extremely beneficial.

Studies show that low self-worth, self-esteem, and self-value can be effectively addressed through therapy.

For example, a case study researching the effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for an individual experiencing low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety showed that after completing a course of therapy, they no longer met the diagnostic criteria for any mental health disorder and showed clinically significant improvement in their symptoms.  

A therapist can help you to understand the underlying reasons for issues you may be experiencing, including struggling with your self-value and worth.

A therapist can offer a new perspective and assist you in developing the skills to challenge negative self-talk, address past trauma that may be a contributing factor to low self-value, and develop healthy coping strategies.

If you need more convincing, here’s our article on the ways therapy can help you live a happier life.

5. Cultivate gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful tool in enhancing self-value. Start by acknowledging the positive aspects of your life and your personal achievements, no matter how small. This practice shifts focus from what you lack to what you have and are capable of, fostering a deeper appreciation for yourself.

Create a daily routine of listing three things you are grateful for about yourself. This could be related to your character, achievements, or how you’ve overcome a challenge. Regularly recognizing your own worth in this way reinforces self-value and builds a positive self-image.

If you want more tips to cultivate gratitude, here’s one of our articles on how to be more grateful.

6. Embrace self-compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a good friend. It’s about recognizing that imperfection is part of the human experience and not being overly critical of yourself.

Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself in a gentle, reassuring voice, especially in times of failure or difficulty. Replace self-criticism with self-encouraging words.

Additionally, engage in activities that promote well-being, like meditation or spending time in nature. This approach nurtures a compassionate relationship with yourself, enhancing self-value and emotional resilience.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Having a strong sense of self-value is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Although it can be difficult to value yourself at times, there are positive steps you can take to build up your sense of self-value. By implementing some of the strategies discussed in this article, you can take steps toward positive change, and recognize that you are deserving of respect, love, happiness, and success.

What do you think? Do you find it hard to value yourself? Or do you want to share your own tip on what helped you find your value? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Jessie Faber Author

Writer, athlete, social worker, and professional thrift shopper. Born in Canada, but currently living my dream playing professional soccer in Greece. Passionate about mental health advocacy, sewing, singing, and playing guitar.

The post 6 Simple Ways to Value Yourself More (and Build Self-Esteem) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

But, if we’ve already set our minds to achieve a goal no matter the setbacks, then the only key to unlocking that door to success is persistence. Being persistent means choosing to keep going amidst challenges and failures. It’s our ability to get up every time we fall down.

Taking this hard route will not always be our favorite option. So, here, I’m going to tell you more about the impact of persistence and how you can develop this life skill!

What factors influence persistence?

What motivates us to persist?

In a study that explores the persistence of first-year university students, it has been found that there are various factors that predict persistence among freshmen.

1. Interest

One of the top factors that have an effect on academic persistence is interest. Aside from enjoyment, interest also includes one’s certainty in taking that particular course which affects the student’s likelihood of sticking to it instead of dropping out.

2. External circumstances

Another huge factor is the occurrence of life events outside of their academics, such as a parent getting ill. Striking moments in the student’s campus life can also cause stress and becomes detrimental to persistence, such as the exam period or the release of exam results. It’s because these happenings are “emotionally charged” which can influence a person’s ability to keep going.

3. Social support

Lastly, the study has found that there’s also a social factor to persistence. When students get a strong sense of support from their social connections, then they are more likely to feel “energized” to perform well at school.

The way persistence works

When we’re tackling a goal, when do we know when to stop or to keep going? There are so-called “persistence rules” that we internally follow when deciding between the two.

According to this study on the persistence of employees, there are two rules that working individuals personally follow: the “enough rule” and the “enjoyment rule”.

I’m sure you can relate to these rules – the former is persisting until you think you’ve done enough work and the latter is persisting until you’ve lost interest in what you’re doing.

Personally, I follow different rules depending on my mood and the time that I have to finish a task.

If I’m generally feeling tired or anxious on a particular day, then I would follow “the enough” rule. I wouldn’t try to force myself to continue working if my mind or body is no longer capable to do so.

Otherwise, when I’m feeling motivated to work on a task and I’m not under a strict deadline, I have the tendency to keep going as much as I can until I get distracted or disinterested.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Why persistence predicts success

Being persistent doesn’t come easy, so why should we keep trying?

One of the buzzwords that recently came up in the psychological sphere is grit. This term is defined as one’s quality to sustain their passion or to persevere through a long period of time.

According to this study, grit can predict success in various settings – from Ivy League undergraduates’ academic performance to elementary kids’ ranking in a spelling bee.

The dangers of persistence

Like any other good thing in this world, persistence also has a downside. When we can’t correctly identify when to persist and when to stop, there are consequences that may befall us such as:

• We waste our resources on meaningless or worthless endeavors.
• We ignore better alternatives.
• We stress ourselves out and harm our mental health.
• We let pride get in the way and refuse to admit that we have failed.
• We find out that pain doesn’t always feel rewarding in the end.

As they say, we should always take things in moderation, and persistence is no exception.

Sometimes, we think that we just have to endure a painful situation and hold it out for a longer period of time, and we’ll reap the benefits that we deserve. But, we don’t realize that, often, staying on this path is actually more harmful than letting go and starting anew.

If you find yourself in this kind of pickle, don’t worry because I’ve got some helpful tips to guide you through the right path to persistence!

How to be more persistent

For you to find success in persisting, here are 7 simple tips to keep you on track:

1. Dream big, start small

It’s important to have a vision and plan your way into achieving it. It will give you a sense of direction, but don’t get too lost in trying to tackle your goals on the get-go.

Yes, you must dream big. But, remember that you won’t get there if you don’t start with the least amount of work possible.

Aside from avoiding being overwhelmed, doing small tasks can also get us through the day. Not the week, not the year – just the day. It’s easy to get burnt out when we keep on working without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But, the key to this is just lighting a little flame and taking it one step at a time.

2. Know the reason behind your goals

The secret to doing more is having a source of motivation. And this motivation lies in the reasons why we’re doing something in the first place.

Remember: reasons reap results. To persist is to keep coming back to the “whys” and letting them fuel us to keep going.

I am currently taking my Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology, and, even though I’m only in my first year, there are moments when I’ve actually considered deferring this year just because of the toll that this pandemic has taken on myself and the rest of the world. It’s not easy to pursue something when everyone seems to be at a standstill.

But, I always go back to my reasons as to why I want to continue my studies. I have a purpose, and that is to help others who are struggling with their mental health and to remind them what it’s like to be human. And, whenever I think about that, I just feel like there’s no time to be wasted – I can power through this!

3. Rest, don’t quit

I’m a big believer in taking conscious breaks. It’s important that we allow ourselves to rest in between our attempts at conquering the world. As they say, we can’t give what we don’t have. So, how can we persist towards our goals when we’re already running low inside?

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about persistence is that taking a break doesn’t mean we’re quitting. It doesn’t mean that we’re losing time or we’re being lazy. For me, rest is an integral part of the process and not a detriment to it.

So, if you’re currently struggling with pursuing your goal or completing a task, perhaps it’s your inner self telling you that it’s time to recharge before you make another move.

4. Find different solutions to your setbacks

Sometimes, we get too stubborn or rigid when it comes to sticking to our goals. But, it can be more beneficial to keep an open perspective and find a different route to our destination.

We have to determine when something is no longer working. It doesn’t mean that we’ve made the wrong decision; it only means that there must be another way.

We have to be creative in this part of the process. Maybe the right tools are not available to us, so we have to craft them ourselves. Or, perhaps, we don’t have to follow the traditional course, so we can forge our own path.

Doing the same things over and over again without seeing results can also hinder our persistence. If we find fresh solutions, then it can also help ignite a newfound energy that will keep us going.

5. Don’t be afraid to start again

Starting again doesn’t mean that you have failed. While it may take you longer to get to where you want to be, it’s also an opportunity to identify your mistakes and, perhaps, go through the process much smoother the second time around.

Also, keep in mind that we all have our own time to shine. Maybe 2020 isn’t your year. But, what if it’s the next? You don’t have to quit altogether right now.

Perhaps, you just have to wait it out and start fresh with a more equipped version of you.

6. Embrace failure as a stepping stone

Failure is often perceived negatively, but it’s a crucial aspect of persistence. Embracing failure means understanding that each setback is an opportunity to learn and grow.

Instead of letting failure discourage you, analyze what went wrong and what could be improved. This approach transforms failure from a roadblock into a stepping stone towards success.

Keep a journal of your failures and the lessons learned from each. Reflect on these entries regularly to remind yourself of the progress you’ve made and the knowledge you’ve gained. This practice will help you view failures as constructive feedback rather than insurmountable obstacles.

Persistence can be bolstered by the people around us. Having a support network – friends, family, mentors – provides emotional encouragement and practical advice. When you’re feeling demotivated or facing challenges, these individuals can offer a different perspective and help you stay on track.

Actively seek out and nurture relationships with people who inspire and support your goals. Remember, persistence isn’t just an individual journey; it’s also about the company you keep.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

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Wrapping up

Our ability to keep going when the going gets tough is one of the things that make us superhuman. We get to defy the odds, break our boundaries, and achieve something that elevates us into becoming the person that we’re meant to be.

But, we must not forget to be human throughout this process. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to admit that we were wrong. It’s okay to start over again. Only then can persistence make a difference in our lives that’s truly worthwhile.

Let me know in the comments below what you think!

Madel Asuncion Author

Writer and advocate for young people’s mental health. Firm believer of validating one’s feelings, prioritizing the inner-self, and finding happiness in a plate of chicken curry.

The post 7 Tips to Be More Persistent (and Why It’s so Important!) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Feeling defensive is linked to negative emotions like anger, frustration, and shame. No one enjoys these feelings, and unless we learn how to diminish our defensiveness, we will be in a steady state of negative emotion. 

This article will outline the impact of being overly defensive in our lives. I will also suggest 7 tips to stop being defensive and lead a happier life.

What does it mean to be defensive?

When we think of being defensive, we immediately think of trying to protect and justify ourselves. This behavior often comes from a place of insecurity.

We may feel attacked, which triggers a defensive counterattack. Feeling defensive is triggered by our perception of receiving criticism. It can lead to feelings of: 

• Shame. 
• Guilt. 
• Embarrassment. 
• Anger. 
• Sadness. 

Think of a sporting example. The role of the defense is to stop the other team from scoring. We can also consider the military model. Defensive military tactics are devised to protect something. 

So ultimately, we use defensiveness as a form of self-protection. But if we are always on the defensive, our guard is permanently up, and we can’t possibly embrace personal growth.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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The impact of being defensive 

When we act defensively, it presents itself as many different things: 

• Not listening to the other person. 
• Appointing some form of blame onto the other person. 
• Bringing up something from the past as an attack. 

It is not easy to hear criticism, no matter the situation.

But for the sake of healthy relationships both in our personal lives and our work, we must be able to have open and difficult conversations. And this includes taking feedback on board. 

If we immediately get on the defensive, we will eventually sabotage our relationships and isolate ourselves. 

This study found that defensiveness correlates with peer rejection in children. This social rejection due to defensiveness makes sense. Trying to communicate with someone who is constantly defensive can be exhausting. It can cause us to stop trying. 

Some of my previous colleagues used to challenge me on my vegan lifestyle. In the early days, I went on the counterattack. I would retort with comments that criticized their life choices. I appointed blame to them to try and evade feeling hurt and ostracised myself. 

In time I learned to reply with comments such as “I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to live as kind a life as possible.” or “We are all different and choose different lifestyles; let’s celebrate that instead of criticizing it.”

Replying neutrally felt empowering and uplifting. It also meant that my relationship with my colleagues did not suffer. 

7 ways to stop being defensive 

We increase our power when we learn how to stop reacting defensively to others. We also help to improve our relationships and open ourselves up to personal growth. We invite a more peaceful vibe into our lives and allow negativity to wash over us. 

So how do you get started? Here are 7 ways you can stop being defensive today. 

1. Respond instead of reacting 

There is a vast difference between responding and reacting. If you usually react to others, it’s time to learn how to respond. 

Defensive behaviors keep us stuck in reacting patterns. 

In contrast to reacting, responding is considered and deliberate. It encourages a 4 step process as part of a response: 

• Pause. 
• Process. 
• Plan. 
• Proceed. 

Reacting, on the other hand, is meeting one action with another. It is a panic response—an unthought-out reply. 

To help respond instead of reacting, we need to learn to slow down.

To do this, hear what is being said and take time to process it. If the situation lends itself to it, you may want to take yourself for a breath of fresh air for thinking time. Alternatively, you can gain a few moments by drinking water to gather your thoughts. 

2. Build your self-esteem  

It stands to reason that the greater our self-esteem, the more at ease we are with ourselves. And when we are more at ease with ourselves, we don’t take things personally and can let triggering comments wash over us. 

There are many ways to boost our self-esteem, this includes: 

• Learn a new skill. 
• Volunteer in your community. 
• Work on your fitness. 
• Invest time in relationships 
• Read. 
• Practice self-love. 
• Engage with meditation and yoga. 

When we feel comfortable with ourselves, we can recognize criticism as an opportunity for growth.

This growth may mean walking away from the perpetrator of critical comments. Alternatively, it may be in finding merit in the criticism shared and using it for our development. 

3. Be open to new ideas 

Someone close to me is a bundle of defensiveness. She doesn’t even realize this. She may ask for an opinion, but if you don’t say what she wants to hear, she immediately gets defensive and starts her sentence with “but….” 

She remains closed off to any changes or different ideas. It’s no coincidence that she is also pretty miserable in her life. She has a victim mentality and believes life has dealt her a rough hand. 

If only she were open to seeing things in a new light. 

By engaging with different ideas and trying alternative ways of doing something, we give ourselves the optimum opportunity to see different perspectives.

This openness allows us to invite positive change into our lives. 

4. Take time  

Everything is so much worse when we are exhausted and run down. 

The more zen-like we feel, the more likely we are to avoid defensive feelings and behaviors. 

The hustle culture of this era is crippling our mental health. The pressure to be everything to everyone has us run ragged. No wonder we react on the spur of the moment instead of taking the time to respond. 

A lot of us are surviving life, not living it. 

It’s time to switch things up. Learn to say no. Take on fewer commitments. If this means your children have one less activity per week, so be it. Schedule time for yourself!

At one point in my life, I worked long hours in a stressful job. I also had my own small business, training for ultra marathons, and having 2 high-maintenance dogs. My days started at 5 am and didn’t finish until midnight. I was living on my nerves.

No wonder I was a bundle of defensiveness. 

I didn’t have the time to engage in new ideas or deep conversations.  

I now have the time to smell the roses, and what a delight. There is a marked difference in my defensive levels, and I put this down to reducing my general life stress levels. 

5. Tame your anger  

The urge to feel defensive often comes from an overarching feeling of anger. How dare that person say X, Y, or Z! 

But when we exchange our anger for curiosity, we learn to see things differently. 

When people criticized me for my vegan lifestyle, sometimes It was indicative of the guilt they felt for eating animal products. So, instead of getting defensive or coming out with the comments I usually do, I can turn the questions back on them. “Are you interested in learning about veganism?” 

When my partner gets into a funk and says something cutting or passive-aggressive, I laugh, cuddle him and ask him if he is ok. 

When we tap into our anger, we build a fire. Yet, we soothe our defensive gremlins by enlisting our curiosity and asking open questions.

6. Practice empathetic listening

Empathetic listening is about genuinely trying to understand the speaker’s perspective without immediately preparing a defense. T

his approach involves active listening, where you focus completely on what the other person is saying, instead of planning your next argument. By putting yourself in their shoes, you can better understand their viewpoint and respond more thoughtfully. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it helps in reducing the instinct to react defensively.

To practice empathetic listening, start by giving the speaker your full attention. Avoid distractions, maintain eye contact, and acknowledge their points. You can use phrases like “I see what you mean” or “That’s an interesting point,” which shows you’re listening without necessarily agreeing.

This technique not only reduces defensiveness but also fosters a more open and respectful communication environment.

7. Develop a growth mindset

Adopting a growth mindset means viewing challenges, feedback, and even criticism as opportunities for learning and self-improvement. Instead of perceiving feedback as a personal attack, try to see it as a chance to grow.

This shift in perspective can significantly reduce feelings of defensiveness, as it aligns feedback with your personal development goals.

To cultivate a growth mindset, start by reframing your thoughts about feedback. For instance, if someone suggests an improvement in your work, instead of thinking, “They don’t think I’m good enough,” consider it as, “Here’s an opportunity to enhance my skills.”

Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes and not know everything – what matters is your willingness to learn and improve. Embrace challenges and see them as steps towards becoming a better version of yourself.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Wrapping up

Being defensive can close us off to opportunities and personal growth. While we have focused on not being defensive, it is essential to remember not to act in a manner that may incite others to feel defensive. Communication is an art. 

Do you often encounter overly defensive people in your life? Do you have any tried and tested methods to help stop you from behaving defensively? Let me know in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 7 Tips to Stop Being Defensive (and Handle Feedback Better!) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Do I snooze or get up right away? Kitchen or bathroom first? How much coffee is too much coffee? Should I wear the polka-dot socks or the striped ones? Even things like what thoughts you focus on are decisions. So it’s maybe not so surprising to hear that on a daily basis, we make a mind-boggling 35,000 decisions. These shape pretty much everything about your life (no pressure). But even if we zero in on the big, life-altering decisions, it’s obvious that mastering the art of choosing wisely is crucial.

So, how do you become a pro at this? Good news: This article is packed with 20 potent, science-backed tips to do just that. Ready to elevate your decision-making game? Just keep on reading. 

What is a good decision, anyways?

First, let’s clarify what we’re aiming for. So, what’s a good decision? Seems like a straightforward question, but it sure can get complicated when you dig in. 

Many people think it’s all about crunching numbers and data and choosing the “correct” choice. But that’s where we tumble down the rabbit hole — what is “right,” anyway?  Who decides it is “right”? What does “choice” itself even mean?

Thankfully, Dr. Lace Padilla, an assistant professor of cognitive and information sciences, saves us from this existential despair with a much simpler answer. She proposes that a genuinely good decision is one where you’ve used all the information you have to the best of your ability.

So that means bad decisions are when you misread or misunderstand the information you have. It’s not necessarily about choosing the “wrong” choice — because nobody’s perfect, and mistakes are inevitable. What really counts is that you’ve understood the information available to you and used it to make the best call you could at that moment.

What leads to bad decisions?

Let’s face it, we’ve all been the architects of some cringe-worthy choices — from DIY haircuts to gas station sushi. But the question is, why? Here are common reasons.

1. We misinterpret the evidence

We just mentioned Dr. Lace Padilla’s definition of bad decisions — misunderstanding the information we have. This can often be traced back to our past experiences, which usually guide us but can sometimes lead us astray. 

Take the case of Galileo. When he first spotted Saturn through a telescope, he thought it had “ears”. That’s because he didn’t have the right model to understand what he was seeing. It took another 45 years for Huygens to recognize those ‘ears’ as the rings around Saturn. (Too bad — learning about planet “ears” would make science classes much more amusing.)

2. We overestimate our beliefs

Research shows most of us are not great at figuring out how accurate our beliefs are. We might be super confident about something, only to find out we’re wrong. And ironically, we’re usually overconfident with tough questions but underconfident with simple ones. It’s a tricky balance, but being aware of this can keep us grounded.

3. We’re influenced by irrelevant emotions

Our emotions can hijack our decision-making process without us even knowing — even in counter-intuitive ways. For example, fearful people make pessimistic judgments of future events. But angry people make optimistic judgments. 

What’s more, these emotions often have nothing to do with the decision at hand. In one study, participants who were feeling sad tended to set a lower price for an item they were asked to sell. 

So if you’re regretting a decision, maybe it was those stale, family-sized nachos you ate.

4. We’re paralyzed by too many choices

You may have already heard of “paralysis analysis” — in other words, overthinking. Basically, you get so wrapped up in the pros and cons, and “this hotel has a free minibar but that one has a balcony”, that you can’t make a choice. You’re afraid of not making the perfect choice, so you’re stuck in a never-ending decision-making mode. The irony? Spending too much time analyzing is a bad decision all by itself. (Because who wouldn’t be paralyzed choosing between tiny liquor bottles and a view of the parking lot?)

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

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20 tips for making better decisions

Now that we understand what good and bad decisions are made of, it’s time to look at some tips so we have more of the former. Science has a lot of juicy tips to give us, so I’ve divided them into 5 categories:

• Tips for adopting the right mindset to make good decisions
• Tips for optimizing your conditions
• Tips for the act of making good decisions
• Tips for specific types of decisions
• Bonus tips for those really tough decisions

Let’s go ahead and get started.

Nailing the right mindset for quality decisions

Mindset really is everything. And your brain is the birthplace of every decision you make. So it makes sense to cultivate a welcoming environment for those choices to bloom. So, how do we set the stage for great decision-making? Here are three tips to get you on the right track.

1. Don’t get too hung up on making the “perfect” decision

Here’s a funny twist for you: your pursuit of making better decisions can be sidetracked by, you guessed it, bad decisions. Perhaps the granddaddy of them all is getting fixated on perfection.

This is a struggle I understand very well, as a fellow perfectionist. But this is one of those paradoxes of life. You’re much more likely to make the best decisions when you stop being so obsessed with making the best decisions. 

Researchers have identified two types of decision-makers:

1. “Maximizers”, who agonize over every option and detail to make sure they’re picking the absolute best one.
2. “Satisficers”, who want to make decisions quickly and aim for an acceptable choice rather than the best one. 

Maximizers do often have great outcomes, as they are usually very informed. But, all that information is very time-consuming to gather. And it can be painfully difficult to reach a decision in the first place. You keep going through all the options back and forth in your head — and this process doesn’t even stop once you make the decision. Maximizers are prone to decision regret, wondering “What would it have been like to choose the other thing?”

What good is it to make the “perfect” decision but feel miserable? It’s much better to aim for a “good enough” choice that makes you happy. And that’s the satisficers’ approach. Unless the stakes are very high, know when to cut your losses. You really don’t need to spend 30 minutes choosing the “perfect” font for your Instagram post. Or mulling over whether your dog would look cuter in a bandana or a bowtie. Let “good enough” be good enough. 

2. Don’t rely too much on your confidence

Confidence is great for self-esteem, but it can also lead you straight into disaster. We’ve all been there: so sure we’d ace that test, only to stare at the paper like it’s written in ancient Greek. Studies back this up; people tend to overestimate their abilities and the accuracy of their knowledge more often than they’d like to admit.

Do you know exactly where that obscure office building is for your big meeting? 90% sure you can Jedi-mind trick your boss into that promotion? Well, reality often begs to differ with our mental scripts.

Here’s an eye-opening exercise: spend a little time each day gauging how likely you are to pull off your various endeavors. Write down your estimates. At the end of the day, revisit your estimations. Missed the mark? That’s okay; humility is free but invaluable. And, it will help you become much more accurate at estimating your real abilities. 

3. Allow your emotions

Characters like Sheldon Cooper and Spock might have us believe that decisions are primarily logical. But actually, every decision we make involves feelings. 

In fact, people who experience damage to the emotional centers of their brains find themselves unable to make decisions. They become paralyzed by decisions, unable to make even the simplest choices. That’s why neuroscientists argue there’s a “sweet spot” between logic and emotion that leads to the best decisions. 

So as long as you’re not overwhelmed by emotion, don’t be afraid of considering your feelings. They’re not a bug in your decision-making software; they’re a feature.

Create the right conditions for good decisions

Your mindset is one of the most important things. But there are lots of other factors that influence how you make decisions. Let’s look at 3 of them that you can control. 

1. Get quality sleep

We all know sleep makes you cranky and gifts you those oh-so-stylish bags under our eyes. But did you know it also has a pretty terrible impact on decision-making? So if you’re staying up all night debating between options A and B, you’re basically shooting yourself in the foot. Take “sleep on it” literally — and prioritize getting quality sleep. Here are some science-based tips how:

• Get more light during the day
• Reduce screen time at night
• Avoid caffeine late in the day
• Go to bed at the right time
• Relax yourself
• Create a comfortable environment
• Turn down the heating

2. Minimize distractions

Imagine trying to pick out the perfect anniversary gift while assembling IKEA furniture as your phone keeps buzzing. You probably won’t end up with the best gift in the world. (You will, though, likely have a lopsided bookshelf and a tweet that reads like you typed it with your elbows.) 

This is the work of your brain’s “control network”. It’s the part of your brain that helps you focus and stay on task, such as your decision. But it doesn’t do very well with multitasking. (That’s incredibly counter-productive, anyways.) So whenever you want to make a decision of importance, put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” and choose a distraction-free environment.

3. Ensure adequate time

It’s common sense that rushing through decisions can easily lead to bad choices. Yet, many of us ignore that, believing we don’t have time to think things through. 

But as Mike Kallet, author of Think Smarter points out, if you don’t have time to set aside 15 minutes to research the best lawnmower, you better find 3 hours to collect the grass clippings it flung all over your front yard (and still need to research another lawnmower). Studies also show people are more likely to make risky choices under time pressure. 

So, you’re much better off carving out enough time to make your decision in the first place, or you’ll pay with many-fold more time and money in the end. 

How much time is enough time? I’m afraid I’ll have to echo my next-door cafe (“We close when we decide it’s time to close”). This means, you should take however much time is necessary to:

• Define the problem
• Identify the criteria
• Do the strictly necessary research 

And depending on the importance of the decision, perhaps gather some more views or find a few alternatives. 

The nuts and bolts of good decisions

Alright, enough preparation! Let’s get into the 7 best science-based tips for making good decisions. 

1. Figure out the REAL problem

You could spend hours scouring the internet for information. But all that data’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot if you’re not even sure what problem you’re trying to solve in the first place. 

As Dan Pink tells us in his bestseller, “To Sell Is Human,” the true key to decision-making success lies not in finding the perfect answer, but in identifying the perfect problem. The best advances in both the arts and sciences come from those who spend more time clarifying what the actual issue is.

As an example, consider a study conducted in 1970 by Csikszentmihalyi and Getzels. They found that artists who were problem finders, not just problem solvers, were the ones with better results and thriving careers.

So the next time you’re struggling with a decision, don’t just dive into gathering solutions like you’re on a wild Easter egg hunt. First pause, take a step back, and ask yourself: “What’s the real problem here?”

2. Define what really matters

Once you define the problem, you should also define the main criteria. What’s most important to you? Is it the location of the hotel, or the free continental breakfast? The salary of the job, or the company’s pet-friendly policy? Let’s be real — when we scribble down a generic pros and cons list, half the things on there are as important to us as a pet rock.

So write a list of what really matters to you in the decision. If you have several criteria, look at each of them one by one and evaluate the options based on them. 

As The Muse explains, you can also use this strategy to come up with more options in the first place.

“Suppose you had to decide how to change the onboarding process for new employees. Write down what you hope to accomplish — say, making the process more efficient, more comprehensive, more laid-back — and then focus on each objective in isolation. You want to make the process more efficient? You can do that by sending how-tos in advance. You want to make it more comprehensive? You can do that by introducing them to several departments instead of just your own.”

3. Gather only the necessary information

You know what they say: Information is power. But that’s only half the saying — too much information is a real decision-making killer. 

Imagine trying to decide what to eat for lunch while reading a 300-page nutrition guide. Spoiler: You’ll starve. Researchers have found that our brains tend to fizzle when hit with too much info. In fact, even a tiny bit of unnecessary detail can derail the decision-making process. 

So next time you’re wading through a sea of Google results or drowning in YouTube tutorials, remember: you don’t need to know all the things. You just need to know the right things. Keep it simple.

4. Get a range of views 

I know you probably want to be able to make decisions on your own. But well, science says it may be in your best interest to still listen to your know-it-all friend, nosy aunt, or mother-in-law (sorry). Because we make our best decisions when we are exposed to a diverse set of views and inputs. 

Other studies show that gathering a medley of opinions — whether it’s about guessing the weight of an ox or diagnosing skin conditions — tends to lead to more accurate information and results. This is what they call the “wisdom of crowds.”

No pals around to offer their two cents? No worries. You can play your own mini-crowd by using the “estimate twice, decide once” strategy: 

1. First, come up with an estimate or a decision. 
2. Wait a day or two or until the end of the day. Ponder some more, and make another decision. 
3. Then average the two decisions. 

It’s like asking for your own opinion, twice. You can even switch up your thinking style — first go with your gut, then mull things over with some serious thought.

5. Identify alternatives, particularly the opposite

Dr. Therese Huston, author of How Women Decide, points out that we often get stuck in Hamlet mode. We zero in on just one option and it becomes a yes-or-no choice. To be or not to be? To hire this person or not? To go for a walk or not? In reality, life offers us a buffet of options. Maybe you could hire someone part-time, or promote an existing team member. Instead of a walk, you could take a nap, or finally call your friend back. (Just imagine how different the play would be if Hamlet had considered some alternatives, like therapy, or becoming a monk.)

Research shows that explicitly identifying alternatives is much more likely to lead to good decisions. Dr. Huston recommends coming up with 3 options. She gives the example of a company deciding whether or not to build a parking garage: 

“So instead of just should we build a parking garage or not, three options would be: should we build a parking garage, should we give all employees bus passes, or should we give our employees the option to work from home one day a week? That might all solve the same problem, but they’re very different options.”

It can also be hugely beneficial to play devil’s advocate. Once we get something in our heads, we tend to cling to that belief. It takes more compelling evidence to change a belief than it took to create it — even if the belief isn’t helpful or true. So when you’re making a decision, consider the opposite. If the initial idea is to build that parking garade, what about a world where your business doesn’t offer any parking? It might sound radical, but entertaining the opposite idea can open up new paths. And research shows it is a great way to reduce errors in judgment. Just remember to make alternatives relevant to solving the problem and the most important criteria.

6. Trust your gut — with a grain of salt and a dash of time

You’ve heard the age-old saying, “Trust your gut,” right? Well, it’s not just your grandma’s way of saying “I have no idea, dear, figure it out yourself.” There’s science to back it up. Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman and scientist Gary Klein wrote a whole book on the power of intuition for decisions, especially in high-pressure situations. But they also say you should still evaluate your gut feelings consciously and deliberately. 

Because intuition isn’t infallible:

• Overconfidence in your intuition can be a powerful source of illusions. 
• People are more likely to go with their gut when they’re feeling positive, and that often results in mistakes or misinterpretations. 
• And, experienced experts can overestimate their intuition, especially if they haven’t dealt with many similar situations in the past. 

What’s the remedy? According to Dr. Hannah Perfecto, it’s a matter of time — just a few seconds, in fact. Pausing even for 10 to 30 seconds to ponder can be a game-changer. It might sound measly, but let’s face it, that’s more time than most of us give to reading the terms and conditions of a new app. 

7. Reflect on your mistakes (but don’t dwell on them)

We all make mistakes, whether it’s forgetting an umbrella on a rainy day or spending more than we should have on an impulse buy. The key isn’t to beat yourself up about it, but to learn from it. Take a few minutes at the end of each day to think about the decisions you’ve made. Where did you go wrong? What can you learn from it?

It’s a valuable exercise, but remember, there’s a time limit. Don’t spend hours wallowing in regret. Experts suggest that as little as 10 minutes of daily reflection is enough to help you improve your decision-making skills. Once you’ve figured out what you could have done better, let it go. Commit to making smarter choices tomorrow. That’s how you grow, one decision at a time.

Specific types of decisions

Are you dealing with a decision that’s far off in the future, or related to a significant life change? Some types of decisions are best made with particular approaches. Let’s take a look at three specific cases. 

Far-off decisions

We’re all familiar with the proverbial “kick the can down the road” approach. Some decisions, like saving for retirement, seems so distant that we decide to let Future Us deal with it. But Future You will come around much sooner than you think, so maybe Present You might start to take the issue more seriously. 

Researchers suggest making distant, abstract decisions feel more concrete helps make better decisions. Here are some examples how:

• Showing people an aged photo of themselves helps them consider what might happen in 50 years, including retirement planning. 
• Showing people mock-ups of a floodplain in your area in 50 years can help people make decisions about getting flood insurance. 

If you’re tech-savvy, you can try to create visual aids like this for yourself. But you can also just change your thinking. The point is to find a way to connect with your future self or make the event feel like it will be happening sooner. If you had to retire or deal with a flood tomorrow, you’d definitely consider the issue differently than if it’s some nebulous concept of “one day”. 

Changes

Then there are the choices that can leave us on the fence for ages — lifetimes, even. Should I quit my job and start my own business? Should I leave my relationship? Should I go meditate with lemurs in a jungle yoga retreat? 

Change feels scary, and often we take the path of least resistance: doing nothing. But science shows, we should instead just go for it. The study researcher explains:

“Whenever you cannot decide what you should do, choose the action that represents a change, rather than continuing the status quo.” 

This goes for decisions ranging from life-changing dilemmas to whether or not someone should grow facial hair. People who followed this advice were more satisfied with their decision and happier six months later. In contrast, people who didn’t make any changes were happy with their decision at first, but not anymore six months later.

Repetitive decisions

Think about it. Are there things that you’ve been doing the same way for ages? The same eggs and toast for breakfast. The same route to work. The same software to help with your work tasks. 

Now, I’m not here to bash routines. Heck, I’ve been trying to make some routines stick for the better part of my life. But, you could also be missing out if you’re letting many decisions get made by default. 

Research shows that when the same decision is made repetitively, it’s very beneficial to keep gathering information and being open to adjust your views. Both of these are associated with more accurate judgments and better decisions. 

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to reevaluate every breakfast food on the planet, or zig-zag to work through the suburbs. But, maybe you could consider swapping white bread for whole grain to boost your health. Or that turning left 1 block later has fewer traffic lights, so you cut down on commute time by 5 minutes. 

Be open to shake things up a little — life’s too short for only eggs and toast. 

Struggling? 4 bonus tips for good decisions

Some decisions are easy — and some are teeth-clenchingly, hair-rippingly frustrating. (I’m guessing it’s the latter that brought you to this article). In these cases, one of these bonus tips might come in useful. 

1. Pay attention to how the choice is framed

We often underestimate the power of words, especially when it comes to making decisions. Dr. Perfecto tells us about the concept of “choice architecture,” which is basically how a question or choice is presented to us. Believe it or not, the wording can make or break your decision-making process.

Think about two doctors describing the same surgery: 

1. One says, “90% of people survive this procedure,” 
2. The other says, “10% of people die from this procedure.” 

Both statements are the same, but I bet you’d feel more confident going with the first doctor. That’s choice architecture in action — the framing of information can either fuel our confidence or feed our fears.

Now, let’s get to another mind-bender: The emotional pain of a loss hits us twice as hard as the joy of a gain. Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky have shown that our brains are wired to dread losses more than we appreciate gains. This explains why we can be so hesitant to cut our losses, like ditching a failing investment. But what if we flip the script and frame all choices as potential gains? Suddenly, that risky investment becomes an opportunity for growth, not a looming pitfall.

It all comes down to this: The framing of a choice influences how you feel about it. This is especially important if you are presented with a decision by someone else. But even if you’re debating something yourself, play around with the wording. 

2. Take a breather — literally

We usually don’t spend much energy — or any at all — focusing on our breathing. But even something as simple as this can be used to your advantage for decision-making. 

Studies found that deep slow breathing increases vagal nerve activity. And this in turn can control stress and lead to much more accurate decisions. 

There are two types of breathing patterns you can try:

1. Symmetric breathing, where you inhale and exhale for an equal amount of time.
2. Skewed breathing, where you exhale for longer than you inhale. 

Even just 2 minutes of this showed improvements in a 30-minute task. Pretty good payoff for something so easy and cheap!

3. Step outside of yourself

Ever noticed how it’s so much easier to give advice to a friend than it is to decide what you should do? There’s a good reason for that, and science backs it up. When people think about a friend’s problem rather than their own, they demonstrate better “wise reasoning” skills. Simply put, they make wiser decisions.

So, it’s time to put your role-playing skills to the test. The next time you’re struggling with a decision, try stepping outside of yourself for a moment. Imagine the situation isn’t about you but about a close friend facing the same dilemma. Ask yourself, “What advice would I give them?” This can help you see the big picture and the different perspectives that you might not have considered otherwise.

4. Batch or automate decisions

Let’s be honest; decision-making can be utterly exhausting. And the energy we have for making decisions isn’t infinite. Or at least, not when it comes to the rational or “slow” type of decision-making. In fact, our “decision tank” starts running on fumes after about 75 decisions.

What does this mean? Well, if you waste those 75 decisions on things like which gif best encapsulates your feelings or the ideal filter for your brunch pic, then you won’t have much power left when it comes to the things that truly matter. 

One way you can safeguard against this is to batch or automate the less important or simpler decisions. For example, science writer Sharon Begley suggests dealing with emails and texts in batches, not in real time. This tactic allows your intuitive, automatic brain to kick in, saving your rational brain from unnecessary strain. It’s the same principle behind setting your coffee maker the night before or meal prepping on Sundays — you’re removing the need to make those decisions when you’re already swamped with other things.

Another tip is to step back from the information flood when faced with complex choices. 

You might think that the best way to tackle a complicated decision is to dig in, analyze every angle, and consciously weigh all your options. However, research indicates that the more complex a decision, the more it drains your cognitive resources. Therefore, the poorer the decision. So do the counter-intuitive, or rather the intuitive thing: allow yourself to step back, switch off the constant flow of information, and let your subconscious take over. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Congratulations — you’re now armed with 20 powerful tips to make better decisions. You may not have realized it, but even during reading this article you were making decisions — for example, to open this article, and to finish reading it in its entirety. (Two excellent decisions, if I may say so myself).

Remember that the point is not to get stuck in perfectionism — we all make and will continue to make mistakes. But with awareness, we can make improvements and build better lives, one decision at a time. 

What tip did you like most in this article? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Silvia Adamyova Author

Born in Slovakia, raised in Canada. Online English teacher, editor, copywriter, and translator. You’ll find me holed up in a bookstore, typing in a cafe, or immersed in a philosophical debate.

The post The Ultimate Guide to Make Better Decisions: 20 Expert Tips appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

When you learn to motivate yourself, you’re able to push past self-proclaimed limitations and build grit. And you start to realize that you can’t always rely on external sources to motivate your actions. 

This article is going to teach you how to motivate yourself when you feel stuck or in a slump. By the end, you should feel ready to go out and crush your goals.

Why is it hard to feel motivated?

Have you ever really stopped to ask yourself why you’re not motivated? Sometimes this can be a hard question to answer. Other times the answer is clear.

Research shows that sometimes we’re not motivated because our personal evaluation of the cons outweighs the potential benefits of a positive behavior change.

I come face to face with a lack of motivation for healthy behaviors almost every night after dinner. I have a sweet tooth and I love a good dessert.

Now I know that dessert is not good for my health. And I understand that the processed sugars may even increase inflammation related to my nagging injuries. 

But the con of not being able to get that dopamine kick from dessert makes me feel unmotivated to change.

Your lack of motivation may be for something more serious than my dessert cravings. But the concept remains the same. We don’t want to change or get the process started because it may be painful.

But sometimes we need to remember that temporary pain or discomfort is a small price to pay for self-growth.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Why is motivation so important?

But why do we need to be motivated in the first place? Isn’t it okay if we just stay the same? I think the research answers these questions better than I can.

One study found that graduate students who were more motivated and self-determined were more successful in their graduate programs.

Another study found that individuals who had high levels of motivation and determination were more likely to sustain weight loss long-term.

The trend in these studies indicates that people who are motivated are more likely to succeed. And ultimately, we all desire some form of success in our lives to be happy. 

So you’re more than welcome to just coast through life. But you might miss out on accomplishing your big goals. And you may never truly understand what you’re capable of if you don’t push yourself.

7 ways to motivate yourself

Now that I’ve got you riled up and ready to chase your goals, let’s talk about how to light your own motivation on fire. 

1. Figure out what’s really blocking you first

In order to learn how to motivate yourself, you need to figure out why you don’t feel motivated.

I remember about a year ago I was really unmotivated to continue taking educational courses for my career. I was already overwhelmed with my patient care schedule and felt like I had no free time.

It wasn’t until one of my co-workers suggested that I needed to reduce my caseload that it hit me.

My lack of time management and stress from work resulted in a lack of motivation to be a better healthcare provider.

Once I cut back on my schedule and prioritized my well-being, I found my motivation again.

Maybe it’s your busy schedule that’s causing a lack of motivation. Or maybe it’s that you don’t have the desire to be pursuing that goal, so you need to pick a new one.

Dive deep and figure out why you’re not motivated before trying to light the motivation fire again.

2. Write out exactly why you’re doing it

After you’ve figured out what’s standing in the way of your motivation, define why you’re pursuing a certain goal.

You need to write this out clearly. It’s essential that you communicate to yourself why you’re doing it.

Because if you don’t know why you’re doing it, the motivation will quickly fade.

I am going to run an ultramarathon in a couple of months. There are many days when I do not feel like running all the extra miles.

But I come back to my statement about why I’m running this race. 

I’m doing it to convince myself that I can do hard things. And I want to prove that I am capable of so much more than I think I am.

I am someone who is great at inventing self-limiting beliefs due to fear and doubt in myself. Running an ultramarathon is a big and scary goal that I normally would avoid out of fear.

But I have my “why” set as my phone background. It’s a statement I wrote that says, “You can do hard things. You are running an ultra to break through your limitations.”

Once you know your “why”, it will be easier for you to find motivation again when things are tough.

3. Put your goals in front of your face daily

Not only do you need to know why you’re doing something, but you also need to remind yourself daily.

My phone background is one way that I’m doing this with my ultramarathon. But you don’t have to use your phone background.

I’ve also set my desktop screen on my work computer to be a visual that reminds me of my goals.

Or I’ve even gone as far as taping a picture or goal to my mirror or nightstand. Because I know I’ll come in contact with these reminders daily.

As human beings, we are quick to forget. This is why you need to find a simple way to remind yourself of your “why”. 

Because the more you remind yourself, the easier it is to get back after it again…and again.

4. Get involved in a group to keep you accountable

If you know you are likely to fall back into the trap of poor motivation, find a reliable group to keep you accountable.

There are so many groups out there when it comes to any goal or aspiration you may have. 

There are walking groups or groups who get together to learn new languages. There are groups who study various religious texts together or who get together to play music in a band.

Plug into your community for accountability. And sometimes you just need to plug into your own friend group to keep your motivation high.

I am particularly fond of relying on those closest to me. This is in part why I’m selective with my friend group because I know their motivations will rub off on me.

This isn’t to say that you should always rely on others for motivation. Because ultimately, only you are accountable for your own actions.

But this is simply one trick that can come in handy when your motivation is particularly low. 

5. Use the 2-minute rule

If all else fails when motivating yourself, use the 2-minute rule. The 2-minute rule says you only have to do something for 2 minutes.

For example, on days when I don’t want to run, I tell myself I only have to do it for 2 minutes. By the end of those 2 minutes, I’ve overcome the activation energy of the task and feel motivated.

If you don’t feel motivated to clean your house or work on that project, try the 2-minute rule. I almost guarantee by the end of 2 minutes you will have found some motivation.

It’s usually the initiation energy that keeps us from starting a task. Once you’ve overcome that, it’s easier to stay motivated and get going.

So keep the 2-minute rule in your back pocket next time you’re feeling super unmotivated. It may only take 2 minutes to find your motivation again.

6. Embrace the power of visualization

Imagine the feeling of achieving your goals, the joy, the excitement, and the sense of accomplishment that washes over you. Visualization isn’t just a feel-good activity; it’s a technique that can genuinely fuel your motivation and guide your actions towards your desired outcome.

Begin by dedicating a few moments each day to visualize your success in vivid detail. Picture the environment, the people around you, and the emotions coursing through you upon reaching your goal. This mental rehearsal not only boosts your motivation but also enhances your focus and determination to make that vision a reality.

7. Celebrate every step forward

Journeying towards your goal is not just about the destination but also appreciating every step you take towards it. Establishing a reward system for smaller milestones can infuse your journey with joy and keep the flame of motivation burning brightly.

Whether it’s a challenging project or a personal goal, acknowledging and celebrating every small victory ensures that your journey is enjoyable and your spirit remains uplifted. It’s not just the big wins but these little moments of joy that pave the way to persistent effort and eventual success.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Motivation is not genetic and it’s not always found at the bottom of a coffee cup. You have to actively work at keeping yourself motivated. Using the tips from this article, you can spark your motivation to achieve the goals that matter most to you. With a bit of persistence, it will become easier to motivate yourself to go out and smash that next big goal.

Do you find it hard to motivate yourself? What’s your favorite tip to motivate yourself to keep working towards your goals? I’d love to know in the comments below!

Ashley Kaiser Author

Physical therapist, writer, and outdoor enthusiast from Arizona. Self-proclaimed dark chocolate addict and full-time adrenaline junkie. Obsessed with my dog and depending on the day my husband, too.

The post 7 Ways to Motivate Yourself and Find The Energy You Need appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

But you’ve probably also realized the pitfalls of this habit. You have no control over other people, and therefore you may not always receive the approval you want. This can lead to strong feelings of stress, frustration, or anguish. Needing external validation can also strain relationships and lower your self-esteem. And perhaps most importantly, it makes it harder to grow as a person and to be authentic to who you are.

The good news is that there’s an antidote to needing external approval: self-validation. In this article, I’ll break down both approval and self-validation so you can become more emotionally independent. Read on to liberate yourself from the cycle of external validation and take the reins of your own self-worth.

What does approval mean? 

The Cambridge Dictionary defines approval as “good opinion.” Approval is associated with acceptance, agreement, encouragement, and support. Approval is a positive reaction to something or someone. 

Some of us are preoccupied with the approval of others. I remember introducing my friends to a new boyfriend, desperately seeking their approval for the choices I’d made in my love life. And feeling deeply wounded that they didn’t view him in the same rosy way I did. 

Only recently have I come to understand how approval has affected my life. I sought approval to help me feel real. The criticism and disinterest I usually received from my father made me feel unsafe and unloved, so I had to work extra hard to appease him. My efforts didn’t always work. 

While our relationship with approval and our need for it stems back to our childhood, we can learn to change the rhetoric.

Why do we need approval?

If you want to change the way your mind works, you have to understand the directions coming from behind the curtain. Let’s have a look at two big reasons why you might feel the need to look for approval.

1. You have an anxious attachment style

You may have already heard the term “attachment style”. It describes how children develop relationships with their parents, and later in life, their romantic partner as well. Psychologists define four attachment styles:

• Anxious attachment style.
• Avoidant attachment style.
• Secure attachment style.
• Disorganized attachment style.

Studies have found that the anxious attachment style in particular makes people look to others for approval.

Why? Well, this attachment style means a person is highly dependent on others and seeks excessive closeness. At the same time, they worry if their partner really loves them. They likely grew up with caregivers who gave them a mix of conditional acceptance and rejection. This made them adopt a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others.

Therefore, they tend to have deep-seated doubts about their lovability and worth. So, they look to others for confirmation that they are indeed lovable and worthy. Their self-esteem fluctuates dramatically in response to perceived approval or rejection.

2. You have low self-esteem

Another big reason studies have found for a need for external validation is low self-esteem.

This means you have a rather negative view of yourself. This is probably due to early experiences of failures that made you conclude that you can’t meet other people’s standards for acceptance. Because low self-esteem people don’t feel included by others, they are hyper-alert to noticing whether others seem to accept them or not.

And in order to compensate for their perceived deficiencies, they look for validation. They tend to base their self-worth on the reactions and feedback they receive.

The complexities of seeking approval  

According to Jay Reid, the author of “Growing Up As The Scapegoat To Narcissistic Parents”, many people raised as the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent struggle to feel that they are real.

They seek approval to feel valid and claim their place in this world. I would elaborate on this and suggest it’s not only those who grow up in narcissistic households that learn this approval-seeking behavior; it’s anyone who grows up in an unhealthy household. 

Children instinctively know that even a poor relationship with a caregiver is better and safer than no relationship. So they try to appease the problematic caregiver and seek their approval to guarantee their safety. 

In this study, children who experienced negative approval endured heightened emotional distress, whereas children who experienced positive approval elicited more socially competent behavior. 

Approval and encouragement from primary caregivers are essential to raising children as confident and well-adjusted adults. 

This article in PsychCentral summarises the point well when they say:

 “When a child is repeatedly given approval, they build up their sense of value. They eventually become confident in their internal sense of validation: they don’t need outside approval because they can often validate and approve themselves.”

The article suggests that children raised in unhealthy homes may struggle with poor self-esteem, affecting their ability to validate themselves. So they turn to people-pleasing behaviors to adulthood in a desperate bid to seek approval. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is self-validation?

If you want to stop needing approval from others, you still need to get those feelings of satisfaction and validation from somewhere else. A much better and more stable source for this is yourself. This is what we call self-validation.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker Sharon Martin breaks down what self-validation means:

• Encouraging yourself.
• Acknowledging your strengths, successes, progress, and effort.
• Noticing and accepting your feelings.
• Prioritizing your needs.
• Treating yourself with kindness.
• Saying nice things to yourself.
• Accepting your limitations, flaws, and mistakes.

What is not self-validation?

And, it is also important to keep in mind what self-validation is not. This way you can eliminate the toxic habits that might be standing in your way.

Self-validation is hampered by:

• Self-criticism.
• Comparing yourself to others.
• Minimizing or denying your needs and feelings.
• Perfectionism.
• Judging yourself harshly.

10 ways to stop needing approval 

Sure, we all like to be given compliments or know others like us. But it can become problematic if our sense of worth and confidence relies on this. 

Here are our top 10 suggestions for how you can stop needing approval.

1. Identify your thoughts and emotions

We often look to others for approval when we feel a little freaked out by what we encounter in our own minds. An emotion feels overwhelming and scary, or a thought may make us hesitate if it’s normal to think that way. When others validate them for us, we can sweep them aside: “Okay, that’s normal, I don’t have to worry about it.”

But if you want to detach from this need for validation, you will have to get comfortable with diving deep into the emotion yourself. Think of it like exploring a new house. You walk around all the rooms and find out what’s inside them all. Similarly, you need to “walk around” a little inside your body and notice what sensations come up, and where.

It can take some practice, but make sure you ground yourself and don’t dissociate, daydream, suppress, or numb what you feel. Really listen to yourself — without judgment. You’re not here to categorize your emotions as good or bad, but first and foremost to recognize them.

This can be challenging, especially with negative emotions. But remember that ignoring or demonizing emotions can be even more challenging. When you learn to accept them, you can let them pass and build emotional resilience, so they don’t have such a strong grip on you.

2. Know your worth

In the self-care world, people regularly talk about knowing your worth. But what does this mean? 

It’s taken me a while to learn my worth and to recognize my value. It’s not something that we can figure out overnight. A great start to this process is to learn to see yourself how your greatest cheerleaders see you. Look at yourself through the eyes of your best friend.

Often the harsh words or criticism from childhood plays on a loop around our subconscious mind. We are quick to reject positive comments and equally quick to accept negative comments as those are the ones we feel more deserving of. 

I challenge you to list 10 things that make you a worthwhile and valuable person. Don’t be shy or modest. If you are truly stuck on this, ask a trusted friend to help you. 

3. Think of reasons why your emotions are normal

You might feel like you’re the only one who feels a certain way, or like your emotions are crazy. But chances are, it’s much more common than you might think.

I have found myself surprised to hear things like this on multiple occasions. For example, there’s one Instagram travel couple who has a seemingly perfect life, and an even more perfect relationship. But recently, they did a series of self-love and relationship coaching webinars with experts. In them, they revealed that they too have conflicts just like any other couple.

So whatever it is you’re feeling, don’t put it on a pedestal — chances are, it’s much more normal than you think. Try to think of some reasons why a person might reasonably feel or think something.These two questions may help:

• Did you have any past experiences that shaped your thoughts and feelings? For example, “It’s acceptable and understandable to be afraid of conflict, because I saw my parents hurt each other during arguments when I was a child.”

• Is this a common feeling that many other people may feel, even if you don’t like it? For example, “I don’t like feeling sad because I got rejected from a job, but I know that many other people would feel the same.”

If you struggle with this process, it may be helpful to talk about your feelings with a therapist. You’ll have a safe space to discuss what you feel, and a third person’s perspective that will help you slowly let go of needing approval.

4. Don’t over-identify with your feelings

When we feel something, we tend to say “I am sad” or “I am jealous.” But what is a feeling? Is it really a part of us?

Think about it: you live most of your life without feeling this feeling. You don’t shift identities when you are or aren’t sad. A feeling doesn’t define who you are. So it would be much more accurate to say “I feel sad” or even “I am experiencing sadness”.

A feeling doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person. Just because you feel jealous, doesn’t make you a jealous person. It just makes you a person who under a certain circumstance, feels jealous. And that description could fit any human being on the planet.

This can help take the pressure off in terms of needing approval, because the stakes are much lower. You don’t need validation for the type of person you are, just for a temporary feeling. That’s much easier to give to yourself.

5. Foster self-compassion for yourself

Why do we need approval? What it comes down to is wanting to feel understood. We want to feel like what we are experiencing is okay. And if we want to stop needing approval from others, we will have to learn how to provide this feeling to ourselves.

What this comes down to is self-compassion. And indeed, a study has found people with high self-validation also had high self-compassion as well as self-insight.

This can be challenging for some, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker Sharon Martin offers two great tips to make it easier.

1. Give yourself the love you never got. Maybe you never felt like you got the love and compassion you needed from your family, and that makes you crave it even more badly from others. But don’t forget, you can always give it to yourself. You’re the one person you can always rely on to give you love, at any moment you feel you need it.
2. Treat yourself like a friend. If you’re having a hard time being compassionate towards your feelings, imagine a dear friend is in the same situation. What would you say to them? We’re often much more understanding with our loved ones than we are with ourselves — and we need to learn how to give ourselves the same compassion.

6. Remember, you don’t have to agree with every thought to validate it

We all experience thoughts that may go against our values or feel out of character for you. It can be hard to validate these feelings, because it can seem like it means you must agree with them or approve of them.

But actually, to validate a feeling all you need to do is understand and accept it. It doesn’t mean you think it is justified. If you think about it, you probably do this all the time already with your friends. You may understand why a friend is angry that someone else got promoted instead of them, but at the same time not agree with that reaction. The same goes for feelings you have yourself.

If you try to fight the thoughts or feelings or judge yourself for having them, you’ll just create an internal conflict inside yourself. You’ll also miss out on truly getting to know yourself as a person, which would help you know how to manage your intense emotions better.

7. Get to the source of the issue

I have read countless books on people-pleasing and how to boost low-self esteem. But none of what I read helped me get to the root of my issues.

Don’t get me wrong; I made significant progress with my healing journey through my research. But it wasn’t until I started working with a therapist that I learned why I had developed my traits, including my deep desire for approval and acceptance by others. 

Understanding how we are the way we are is instrumental in unraveling our tangled brain yarn and helping smooth everything out when we understand the why and how we can start working on long-term solutions instead of short-term fixes. 

8. Jump off the social media merry-go-round

Social media is one big melting point of one-upmanship. Sometimes 

I can handle the noise of social media. Other times I find myself getting caught in its merry-go-round and seeking approval from others via social media. 

Examine how you use social media and whether you rely on it as a source of approval. Science shows that social media use increases anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances. 

Social media engagement can cause a downward spiral in our well-being and plummet our self-esteem. One knock-on effect of this is an increase in approval-seeking behavior. 

I strongly suggest that you limit your use of social media, unfollow accounts that don’t make you feel good about yourself, and maybe set time restrictions or remove the apps from your mobile phone.

9. Practice self-love

I’m a big believer in practicing self-love. Self-love isn’t about shopping and spa treatments. It’s more than that. It’s about learning to believe in ourselves and showing up as our own best friends. 

Use loving kindness mantras during meditation to help engage with your inner child. 

Most of us who seek approval seek it on behalf of our hurt inner child—the damaged child from our youth who still resides within us. 

I’ve learned to show compassion and understanding to my inner child. I make sure she knows she is loved, safe, and cared for; above all else, her traumas are not her fault.

This healing process is helping me find a place of acceptance instead of feeling I need to prove myself and find approval. 

10. Become comfortable with disapproval

One of the hardest things for approval seekers is hearing negative comments, disapproval, or no comment. Being passed over or disregarded, and discarded is excruciatingly painful. 

But once we work on our need for approval, not only will we stop needing approval from external sources. But we will also learn to let criticism wash over us. We become comfortable with the idea that not everyone will like us and that we are not for everyone. 

Logically we understand that we don’t like everyone. Let’s now become comfortable with the fact that not everyone will like us. And that is perfectly ok. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

I hope this article has given you some clarity and useful tools for getting the validation you need from the best source you have: yourself. As you put these tips into practice, remember that any kind of personal development is a skill you need to practice. Start out slow, and give yourself the space and time to start out slow and then get used to relying on external validation less and less.

Is there anything you do differently to tackle your need for approval? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 10 Ways to Stop Needing Approval From Others (With Examples) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Often, it’s not our physical location that we need to change. In reality, a change in our psychology will do more good. No matter how much ducking and diving you do, you can’t escape your thoughts entirely. But you can learn how to get out of your head and leave the chaos of your brains.

In this article, I will discuss 8 ways to help you get out of your head and bring you greater inner peace. 

What does it mean to be stuck in your head? 

The majority of us have had the urge to get out of our heads. Instead, we feel trapped by our brains. It can feel like a washing machine on a spin cycle that goes round and round.

When we are stuck in our heads, we allow our brains to run our lives. This may look like a number of different things. We may feel controlled and trapped by: 

• Patterns of rumination. 
• Persistent negative and self-deprecating thoughts. 
• Catastrophizing ideas and fears.

These are all destructive thought patterns, which only serve to reduce our well-being and draw us away from the present moment. 

According to this article, about 47% of our time is spent thinking about what isn’t going on at the present moment. And as you may expect, this leads to unhappiness. The article eloquently states “a wandering mind is an unhappy mind”. 

The benefits of getting out of your head 

When we manage to get out of our heads, we escape the perpetual cycle of unhealthy thoughts. By embracing the present, we manage to evade the trap of spending too much time on the past and future.

The past is done, there is no point dwelling on it. Future events have not happened yet, so there is no point worrying about it. When we get out of our heads, we manage to catch our “what if” thoughts. 

When we turn our focus to our external environment instead of our internal environment, we become:

• More observant.
• More attentive.
• Better listeners.
• More in tune with our surroundings.
• More relaxed. 

This article suggests a wandering and consuming mind is often instigated by negative thinking in the first place. You see, it is a cycle. Negative thinking leads to a wandering mind, and this results in more negative thinking.

That’s why it’s so important to get out of your head from time to time.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

8 ways to get out of your head 

The good news is there are a number of tried and tested ways that allow us to escape the prison of our minds. We don’t have to stay on the hamster wheel. There is a reprieve available if we are willing and able to take it.  

Let’s have a look at 5 ways we can get out of our heads and escape our repetitive and unhealthy thought patterns.  

1. Practice mindfulness and meditation 

If it seems mindfulness meditation is the answer to everything, then that’s because very often it is.

Mindfulness meditation is used to treat physical ailments such as: 

• High blood pressure. 
• Fibromyalgia. 
• Irritable bowel syndrome. 
• Chronic pain. 

It has also been scientifically proven to treat psychological ailments such as: 

• Depression. 
• Anxiety. 
• Post-traumatic stress disorder. 

This article outlines the positive impact of mindfulness meditation on people stuck in deep despair and darkness. 

All you need is 10 minutes a day to start off. There are a number of options for you to get started. You may want to go to a class led by an expert. Alternatively, you can download an app that guides you with mindfulness exercises.

If you want more information, here’s one of our articles that covers the benefits of meditation and how to get started. 

2. Share your thoughts

Have you heard the old saying of a problem shared is a problem halved? Very often, the art of just expressing our worries is a release. This can be done in a number of ways. 

Journaling is a popular and effective way of emptying your mind. It allows your brain to literally have a word vomit out onto the paper.

You can share your hopes, dreams, and aspirations without any fear of judgment or ridicule. Journaling provides a safe space for you to express yourself. 

Another way you can share your thoughts is by speaking with a friend. But before you go offloading thoughts to a friend, check if they have the capacity to listen.

My final suggestion for sharing your thoughts is to seek the services of a professional. Therapists are trained listeners. They are skilled in drawing information out of us. They are excellent at helping us share our thoughts. And like I said earlier, a problem shared is a problem halved. 

3. Read a book 

Do you often reach the end of the day feeling absolutely exhausted only to struggle to fall asleep? From personal experience, I can tell you that this is frustrating and exhausting. 

About a year ago I built a new habit around my bedtime routine. I now go to bed half an hour earlier than I used to. I read for at least half an hour. This helps distract my brain, quiet my mind, and sets me up for a good night’s sleep. 

A small caveat here, you want to pick a light-hearted and easy-to-read book for this to work effectively. Or, you can follow my lead and read a chapter of an intense and thought-provoking book first and then read a chapter of an easier book. Then it’s lights out and a good night’s sleep. 

4. Focus on kindness to others 

When we focus on other people, we have less bandwidth for ourselves. And sometimes, this is a really positive thing.

When we commit acts of kindness we actually help rewire our brains. Serotonin and dopamine are released when we are kind. These hormones are linked with feelings of euphoria and positive well-being. 

A secondary benefit of being kind is that we become distracted by others. This gives our brains something different to think about. Which in turn, helps us get out of our heads. 

So start off with small acts of kindness every day. 

• Let a car pull out in front of you. 
• Smile at a stranger. 
• Engage a cashier in conversation and ask how their day is going. 
• Pay the bridge toll for the vehicle behind you. 
• Give 5 minutes to the street market researcher. 
• Give a stranger a compliment. 

These are all relatively easy acts of kindness. From here you can expand your repertoire. Be ready to express kindness whenever the opportunity arises. I promise it will make everyone involved feel amazing!

5. Counter your thoughts 

Have you ever sat back and listened to your thoughts? Do you believe what your thoughts say? Do you ever challenge them?

Think of your thoughts like an unruly toddler. They need some discipline and boundaries in order to function healthily. This means we need to hear what our thoughts are saying and dispute them or counter them. 

For instance, when my thoughts repeatedly told me I couldn’t run a business I asked them to explain why. They couldn’t come up with anything. I told my thoughts I was organized, efficient, and a great communicator. I told my thoughts I had brilliant potential as a small business owner.

This countering shuts my thoughts up. Well, for that subject at least. They then went on to try and panic me about something in the future. 

But my point is, that we don’t need to listen to our thoughts. Let’s try and reframe our thoughts to be the kind of things we would say to a close friend.

Of course, we should be honest with ourselves and recognize our fears. But we can reframe our negative thoughts with thoughts of more self-belief and empowerment. 

6. Engage in physical activity

Many of us underestimate the power of movement when it comes to mental well-being. Engaging in physical exercise, be it a morning jog, a yoga session, or a dance class, can be a game-changer for those looking to escape the confines of their thoughts.

Exercise not only releases endorphins, the body’s natural mood enhancers, but it also offers a chance to focus on something tangible: your body’s rhythm, your breath, or the sheer effort of the activity.

Start with just 10 minutes of physical activity a day. It could be a quick walk around the block during your lunch break or a short yoga routine before bed. Gradually increase the time as you feel comfortable, and notice the difference in your mental clarity and mood.

7. Immerse yourself in nature

There’s a reason why many of us feel at peace when surrounded by nature.

The natural world, with its vast landscapes, gentle sounds, and rhythmic patterns, offers a respite from the chaos of our minds. Whether it’s the gentle rustling of leaves, the chirping of birds, or the soothing flow of a stream, nature provides a backdrop that can help anchor us in the present moment, away from the whirlwind of our thoughts.

Dedicate at least one day a week to spend time outdoors. It doesn’t have to be a full-blown hiking trip; even a simple picnic in the park or a leisurely walk in a botanical garden can do wonders. If you’re in a city, seek out green spaces or community gardens where you can sit and relax.

8. Stay away from your devices

The constant buzz of notifications, emails, and updates can amplify feelings of being trapped in a mental loop. While technology has its benefits, it’s essential to recognize when it’s time to disconnect and give our minds a break.

A digital detox, even if it’s just for a few hours, can help reset our brains and provide much-needed relief from the onslaught of information.

Set aside specific “no-screen” times during your day. This could be during meals, an hour before bedtime, or even a designated day of the week where you avoid all digital devices. Use this time to engage in other activities like reading a physical book, crafting, or simply spending quality time with loved ones.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

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Wrapping up 

Getting out of our heads is not always the easiest of things to do. But believe me, you don’t want to be imprisoned in your head for a long sentence. This will result in a downward spiral of negativity, which can be difficult to escape from. When we learn to get out of our heads, we increase our happiness. This helps us live in the moment and be genuinely present.

What’s your favorite tip to get out of your head? Do you find it hard to snap out of your negative thoughts and live in the moment? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 8 Tips to Get Out of Your Head (and Why It’s Important) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Sure, it’s healthy to self-reflect and question some things, but we will feel rudderless and temporary when this becomes a regular pattern. Questioning everything prevents us from leaning into acceptance. Acceptance is a significant aspect of finding happiness. 

This article will outline what it means to question everything. We will suggest five tips to help you overcome the habit of questioning everything. 

What does it mean to question everything? 

When we are in the habit of questioning everything in life, it’s like walking around with a gremlin sitting on our shoulders. This gremlin narrates our actions and thoughts, sewing seeds of doubt into our daily lives. “Are you sure you want to do that?” asks the gremlin, and our anxiety levels escalate. 

When we question everything, our brain goes into overdrive. Ultimately, we start to think too much. It can be extremely difficult to quieten an overactive brain, and it can feel like there’s an internal dialogue going on in our minds.  

Remember, as we have discussed previously, we are not our thoughts. 

From my personal experience, the periods I have felt most anxious and questioning my everyday choices and larger life choices are when I’ve felt most trapped. 

The unsettling nature of unquestioning everything

As we have acknowledged, questioning everything is similar to overthinking. 

This research review looks at studies of participants who “think too much.” 

It’s worth noting that thinking too much is linked with feelings of distress and ruminative thoughts. Which, in turn, escalates anxiety. 

There are overlaps between those who think too much and those with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Is it a case of the dog wagging the tail or the tail wagging the dog? In other words, do we induce a negative psychology when habitually questioning everything? Or do we question everything because we already experience a negative psychology? 

All cases may be different. Either way, it’s worth irradicating the questioning thoughts for our well-being. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

5 ways to not question everything 

I encourage you to think through big life decisions, but there’s a difference between making considered decisions and questioning everything you do. 

If you are ready to step out of your limbo state, here are our five tips to help you stop questioning everything today. 

1. Practice yoga and meditation 

Calming down the mind is the aim of the game here, and both yoga and meditation are scientifically proven to do just that. When we calm down the mind, we embrace inner stillness. Imagine the serenity of a calm ocean versus the unease of choppy and churning waves. 

Alternatively, you could find stillness through other channels, such as: 

• Coloring in. 
• Nature walks. 
• Reading. 
• Exercise. 

You may have to experiment with different things to find what brings you the most calm. 

Recently, I’ve been embracing sea swimming, while the Irish water isn’t too cold. There’s something deeply centering and calming about basking in the open water.

2. Work with a therapist 

Please don’t feel alone with these questioning and intrusive thoughts. If you struggle to eradicate them, maybe it’s time to speak with a therapist. 

I’ve been working with a therapist for a few years now. It’s not necessarily a simple or easy process; there is no quick fix. But I already feel like a different person from the person I was before I started therapy. 

I can feel an increase in my confidence and self-esteem, and I definitely experience fewer intrusive thoughts. 

If you don’t know how to find a good therapist, a great place to start is via the Psychology Today website. 

3. Embrace breathing exercises 

Constant questioning thoughts have a knock-on effect on our physiology—specifically, our heart rate and blood pressure increase, which can leave us feeling jittery and anxious. 

When we practice breathing exercises, rhythmic inhalations, and exhalations activate our parasympathetic nervous system and calm our body. Breathing exercises reassure our body that there is nothing to worry about and we don’t need to prepare to fight or flee. 

You could start off with the popular box breathing exercise. 

• Inhale for 4 seconds.
• Hold your breath for 4 seconds
• Exhale for 4 seconds. 

Repeat this cycle for 10 rounds and see how you feel afterward. 

4. Acknowledge your thoughts

Sometimes, the more we try to stop or ignore our thoughts, the louder and more intrusive they become. 

Can you learn to welcome your thoughts and discard them as quickly as they come? See your thoughts, recognize that you are not your thoughts, and move them out of your mind as quickly as they arrive. Don’t let them control you; you control them. 

Listening to our thoughts can be as distracting as going down an internet rabbit hole. We can find ourselves in very dark places if our thoughts dictate our actions. 

My thoughts have often tried to sabotage me. They tell me all the reasons I shouldn’t be in my relationship. I find it particularly helpful to laugh at them and sometimes even tell my husband what my brain has tried to conjure up to come between us. This method means I keep control, and my thoughts don’t control me. 

5. Switch off or limit your social media

I don’t know about you, but I can find myself in a place of serenity only for a bit of mindless scrolling to jerk me out of my peaceful place and wake up the questioning gremlins within. 

Doom scrolling can make me question everything, especially since I am already seen as a non-conformist. 

Being on the periphery of other people’s highlight wheels can feel isolating and exclusionary if I allow myself to compare and get sucked into the trap of betraying my own yearnings. It is very easy to forget our own hard-fought path in favor of a path that the masses are treading—safety in numbers. 

Hold the line: if you experience social media anxiety or poor psychology from scrolling, please be kind to yourself and remove social media from your mobile device or avoid it altogether. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up 

The reality is you will question some things in your life, which is a good thing. It’s when you start to question everything that it can become destabilizing. 

Use our five tips to stop questioning everything in your life and allow yourself to embrace a place of confidence and acceptance. 

• Practice yoga and meditation
• Work with a therapist
• Embrace breathing exercises. 
• Acknowledge your thoughts. 
• Switch off or limit your social media. 

Is there anything you do to quell the questioning mind? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Ali Hall Author

Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Psychology with Sports science graduate. Scottish born and bred. I’ve worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on the hills and trails.

The post 5 Tips on How Not to Question Everything (and Be More Carefree) appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

It’s hard to not react emotionally to these things sometimes. I mean, how dare they? Our defense system kicks in to protect our boundaries. But more often than not, these reactions can be a bit overblown and based on negative assumptions. Perhaps that guy is in a rush to get home to his sick kids, your colleague is nervous before a big meeting, and your friend is just holding back a sneeze. 

It’s hard to control our emotions and reactions to them. But with solid strategies, it’s possible. In this article, we’ll explore 9 key ones so you can enjoy better relationships and well-being.

What does it mean to react emotionally? 

In an article by cognitive behavior therapy expert Dr. Shinar, emotional reactivity is described as: 

Emotional reactivity happens when intense emotions are “triggered” by an external event. Often, the event leaves you feeling hurt, angry, or defensive. These triggers may cause you to lash out or act impulsively– doing or saying something you later regret.

When we react emotionally, it is from a place of stress. This impulsive reaction is not thought through, which means whatever we come out with in the heat of the moment is rarely a true reflection of what we think and feel anyway. 

I have a few highly emotional people in my life, and if I’m honest, I intentionally spend less time with them now because my nervous system feels unsafe in their company.

What happens when we react emotionally?

We don’t allow mature and rational conversations when we react emotionally. Meaning we close ourselves off from engaging openly and honestly with others which can damage relationships. 

Reacting emotionally feels like living in a constant state of fight or flight. It is exhausting and can lead to increased anxiety levels.

There are physical symptoms that coincide with emotional reactions. Here are some physical signs of an emotional reaction, which we can identify in people who are quick to anger or become defensive and argumentative. 

• Increased heart rate. 
• Reddening of the face. 
• Muscle tension. 
• Sweating. 

On the flip side, no visible or even invisible changes occur in our bodies when we respond from a place of peace and calm.

What can trigger you to react emotionally?

According to psychotherapist David Richo, there are 9 main reasons why you get triggered:

1. You feel self-conscious, like when you’re alone at a social event or compare yourself to others.
2. You feel discounted, like when someone ignores your messages or doesn’t show up to a date.
3. You feel controlled, like when someone tells you what to do or makes a decision for you.
4. You feel taken advantage of, like when someone doesn’t pay you back the money they owe you.
5. You feel vulnerable, like when you’re in a situation where you feel exposed.
6. You have a negative relationship experience, like feeling lonely or smothered.
7. You feel your boundaries are breached, like when someone steps inside your space.
8. You feel uncomfortable about what’s happening around you, like when you see someone getting hurt or a person’s words go against your values.
9. You’re afraid of what might happen, like when there seems to be a threat.

This is important to know for two reasons.

1. Triggers are a natural protection mechanism

Think about this: if someone came at you with a knife, your subconscious would give you an impulse to knock it out of their hand or run away. It perceives danger and takes control of your mind to make sure it’s protected. If it allowed you time to think about the situation rationally, it would be too late. That’s why these reactions are lightning-fast. 

Obviously, this is extremely helpful in the situation above. But the problem is it’s the same mechanism when you get triggered emotionally. Only this time it’s not a threat against your life but against a need such as stability or respect. And, the threat can be something that only you perceive, based on the way you interpret things.

However, what’s key here is that you’re not a bad person for getting triggered. It’s just your subconscious mind wanting to protect you. You can definitely work on finding a better coping mechanism. But don’t beat yourself up over having this very natural reaction. 

2. When you’re more aware, you have greater control

Personally, just knowing the 9 causes has helped me be less emotionally reactive. When a friend said something to me a few days ago, I felt an immediate and strong emotional reaction. But then I remembered the list above and could identify which trigger I was experiencing.

Therefore, I could see that my reaction wasn’t because my friend was actually hurting me. It was because of an uncomfortable feeling, made by my interpretation of their words. And that helped me see that reacting out of anger will not fix the way I’m feeling. 

Get familiar with these triggers, and it can help you slow your reactions down. In addition, use the 9 tips for how to not react emotionally below. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

9 tips to stop reacting emotionally

As you know, it’s hard to slow down your reaction in the heat of the moment. So if you really want to be less reactive, you need to work on your overall mindset. This will help you understand what’s happening when you get triggered. You’ll be able to hit pause and choose a better response. 

Here are 9 key tips to help you out. 

1. Get to know your triggers

“Know thyself” — this isn’t just a fancy-sounding phrase that looks great in an Instagram caption. It’s an extremely valuable, and terribly underrated piece of life advice.

Getting to know your triggers helps you notice when they come up again. For example, if I know I am sensitive if someone makes comments about what I eat, then I can realize when I get triggered the next time it happens. 

This clarity is the first thing you need. It’s like waking yourself up from a dream. While you’re asleep, you don’t realize you’re dreaming, and you accept everything as reality. It’s only after you wake up that you see it was just in your head. 

Self-awareness is the best way to “wake up” and get your rational mind back in control during a trigger. 

Here’s how you can get to know your triggers:

1. Make note of reactions you have throughout the day. 
2. Try to identify the cause of the trigger from the 9 categories listed above. 
3. Identify what emotions exactly you were feeling. 
4. Also, make note of relevant details like the environment or other people involved. 
5. Look for any recurring patterns. 

Also, write down your reactions to these triggers. That way, you can recognize if you’re about to do the same thing and stop yourself.

2. Take good care of yourself

We all know the effects of poor sleep or being too hungry. Even just one all-nighter can slow your thinking and impair your judgment. Not to mention the way it makes you cranky! Therefore, under these conditions, you’re much more easily triggered.

The solution? Thankfully, it’s one that’s very simple and exceedingly pleasant. Eat when you’re hungry, and sleep when you’re tired!

Of course, there are situations when that is not always possible. (Your boss might not react kindly if you settle down for a nap in the middle of the quarterly meeting!) But you can set yourself up to be in the best shape you can.

Use these 3 tips to keep yourself healthy and more emotionally stable:  

• Plan to go to bed 8 hours before the time you need to wake up.
• Keep a healthy and nutritious snack on hand in the car, at home, and at work. 
• Carry a water bottle with you and stay hydrated throughout the day.  

3. Understand that nobody “makes” you feel anything

You’ve probably said to someone at one point, “you made me feel XYZ”. But when you get down to it, nobody can make you feel a certain way. It’s all in your mind.

The best explanation I’ve heard for this was from a podcast episode by Kathrin Zenkina and Dr. Jon Connelly.

Connelly gave the example of a zebra seeing a lion. If the zebra’s mind wasn’t present, the zebra wouldn’t feel anything. It would just keep standing there, chewing its grass and minding its own business. But because the zebra’s mind is hardwired to see lions as a threat, it creates a fear reaction to make the zebra run away. 

Another example from daily life

Let’s say you call a friend and they don’t pick up. If it’s a good friend you trust, you might think they’re busy or cannot pick up the phone right now. But what if it’s someone you’re dating, and you feel insecure in the relationship? Your brain might jump to conclusions like they’re ignoring you, or spending time with someone else. 

It’s the same situation, but one triggers you and the other doesn’t. The only difference is how your mind interprets the event. So your emotions are not in fact forced upon you by the person not picking up, but created by your mind. 

It might feel frustrating to think this way. Now, we can’t blame others for our emotions anymore. But also, it means we now have complete power over them. If emotions were in fact caused by external events, then someone not picking up the phone would always trigger you, no matter what you did. However, since it happens in your mind, you do have influence over that. 

Use these 2 questions to remember this when you get triggered:

• If it was someone else, would I feel the same?
• Did I always feel this way every time it happened?

4. Take a breath before your answer 

One of my favorite ways to stop responding to something emotionally is by recognizing when I feel triggered and then taking a few deep breaths before responding. If the circumstances allow, this is an excellent opportunity to take a sip of a drink to gain a couple of seconds to claim control of your emotions. 

It may not seem like much, but taking just a few extra seconds before you reply can make the difference in reacting emotionally and responding rationally. 

You can use this approach in the workplace, at home, or with friends. It is appropriate in every situation.

5. Practice being open-minded and positive

Another way to prime yourself to not react emotionally is to make a habit of thinking in a better way. Specifically, being open-minded and thinking positively.

Basically, you want to make this as familiar to you as possible. Then it becomes a default reaction even during times of stress. The goal is to break out of the negative explanation that you get locked into during a trigger. You’ll be able to consider other and more positive explanations.

A personal example of why open-mindedness is so important

I do Latin dancing and was at a weekend event where we had workshops and then time to dance and practice. I’m learning how to lead (meaning, the man’s steps), and an advanced female dancer saw that and asked me to dance with her. 

I’m still pretty new at it, so I had to focus hard during the dance and felt a bit awkward about my mistakes. When we finished dancing, as I finally relaxed I made a sound like “ah!”. The girl stopped and said “Wait, what did that mean? Was it like ‘Ah, I’m glad I’m finally done dancing with her’, or what?” I was taken aback and told her no, it was because I was feeling embarrassed and insecure. From my perspective, this was obvious, but she had a completely different interpretation. 

So imagine if she had not asked me to clarify. She would have assumed that I was being rude, and maybe she would have acted coldly to me. Meanwhile, I would have no idea why, and from my perspective, she would be the one who started acting rudely. We would then start a bad relationship even though we could be great friends — and all over an assumption. 

Do you see how important it is to keep an open mind? This was a very specific example, but the idea is the same no matter the specifics. 

Use these 4 tips to cultivate a better mindset:

• When someone frustrates you, ask yourself this. Why would a rational person with good intentions do or say this? What reasons would they have?
• Look at challenging events like this. The universe is giving you an opportunity to learn something, and this is a gift. What does the universe want you to learn here?
• Imagine just for a moment that your interpretation of events is wrong. What others are there? Do you have any definitive evidence that your interpretation is the correct one?
• Don’t be afraid to ask questions! When you catch yourself making assumptions about a person’s intentions or thoughts, ask them what they meant. Chances are, it’s something completely different than you thought. 

6. Choose your battles wisely

Often if we feel trapped or cornered, we become defensive and feel the urge to explain ourselves. If you are feeling attacked, try and keep your cool, and don’t fight fire with fire. 

As someone who has chosen not to have children, I am used to other people asking inappropriate questions or making ludicrous claims about my life. These used to annoy me, and I would engage with them from a place of irritation and defensiveness. Now I recognize I don’t owe anyone an explanation about why I don’t want children, and I can find the humor in the predictability of their words. 

Another example is how I communicate with someone whom I have a particularly fractured relationship. She sometimes tries to antagonize me in conversations by bringing up topics on which we have polar opposite views. If she were prepared to listen without trying to make me wrong, I would happily engage with her on these controversial topics, but sadly this isn’t the case.

So the most straightforward tactic is politely saying, “We have very different views on this topic; I think it’s best we don’t discuss it again.”

7. Practice forgiveness

So maybe someone really was rude to you. Maybe they’re having a bad day, or they were triggered by something themselves. But is it really worth getting upset over? Sometimes the best reaction to an emotional trigger is to just forgive. 

Forgiveness is like a secret weapon that makes you immune to anything that other people can say or do to you. It’s also a secret drug that improves both your physical health and mental well-being. In short, it’s one of the simplest and best ways you can improve your life.

It’s also necessary because nobody on this planet is perfect — us included. You’ve surely been rude to someone in your life — and you’ve surely had your reasons for that. In that situation, you would want compassion and understanding from others. We need to give others the same chance to be understood, grow, and move past their mistakes. 

How do you practice forgiveness?

I’ve written a detailed and science-backed guide that helps you let go of anger. I also have an article specifically about forgiving yourself — often the hardest type of forgiveness.

8. Let go of your past

Your past is like an invisible, yet extremely heavy baggage that you carry with you. In fact, it shapes the way you see the world today. All your experiences add up to create your beliefs, values, and also your triggers. 

For example, if someone treats you with disrespect over and over again, you’ll become sensitive to anything that even hints at that. 

In this case, you need to address the root cause. First of all, by processing any built-up emotions. And secondly, by detaching yourself from the past where it no longer serves you. 

In the example above, you might have internalized the idea that you don’t get respect. Even if the person who treated you that way is no longer in your life, you may still hold onto that belief. But obviously, that doesn’t help you in any way. 

So you would need to work through your feelings of being slighted and build up your sense of self-esteem. And, understand that this situation is behind you so you don’t look for it everywhere in your present. 

You can absolutely learn from it to avoid being disrespected in the future. However, each new person you interact with deserves a clean slate rather than being pre-judged based on someone else’s actions. 

How do you let go of your past?

Some things from the past are very difficult to deal with. I would honestly recommend regularly seeing a therapist as the best approach. It gives you a safe space to get another perspective so you can get out of your own mind. A therapist will also make sure your efforts are productive. 

But if that’s not an option, journaling is another great tool. Just make sure you do it with the intention of getting to know your feelings and learning from your past. Otherwise, you can get stuck in rumination. 

9. Release your built-up emotions

Finally, you might be emotionally reactive if you have a lot of emotions built up in you. For example, you feel taken advantage of over and over again, and so you build resentment. It becomes a filter through which you perceive everything that happens to you. You might see some things as someone taking advantage of you, even if that’s not the case.  

Here’s how you can work on releasing these emotions:

• Do sports, especially cardio or martial arts.
• Get a deep tissue massage.
• Have regular sessions with a therapist. 
• Journal with the intention of getting to know your emotions, processing them, and learning from the situations that caused them. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Wrapping up

Let’s be honest: becoming less emotionally reactive is hard work. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. But the fact that you’ve read this article is already a huge step forward. It shows you have the willingness to try, and are ready to put in the effort. Practice the 9 tips above regularly. Over time, I’m sure you’ll see a difference in your mindset, and react less emotionally.

How do you manage to not react emotionally when things get heated? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Silvia Adamyova Author

Born in Slovakia, raised in Canada. Online English teacher, editor, copywriter, and translator. You’ll find me holed up in a bookstore, typing in a cafe, or immersed in a philosophical debate.

The post How to Not React Emotionally: 9 Tips That Really Work appeared first on Tracking Happiness.