Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources

Hello! Who are you?

Hello! My name is Natalia Nieves. I live in my hometown Palm Bay, FL, I grew up in Cocoa, FL. I graduated from high school in May 2023. Graduating from high school was my greatest achievement.

Right now I am doing a gap year, taking a break from education until I know exactly where I want to be. I am single, I wanna work on myself before I get into a relationship. My passions are writing, marine life, mental health, and self-care. 

Throughout the years, I have been discovering new things about myself through my mental health journey. I have always been the kind of child with a good heart. I grew up with my mom, who is my number one role model, and two younger siblings.

My childhood without my father was a struggle for me, I was four years old when I left my father. I didn’t understand the horrible things that he did and how he was emotionally and medically neglectful and what he did wasn’t okay. 

I have never been this happy in a long time. 2023 has shown me how “time heals everything”- Luke Combs. Every day I learn more about myself, my past experiences made me who I am today. 

This is something that took me a long time to realize that I am worthy. I am proud to see how things that we go through are lessons and guidance. Seeing how they are tests that challenge us to decide whether or not we choose to take the path towards something good.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I experienced childhood sexual abuse in March 2019 (which was a one-time occurrence) when I was still in middle school and then in May 2021, I developed PTSD from that experience.

In May 2019, I started to suffer from depression that had nothing to do with the abuse. I remember the day when my depression was developing, I was sitting in my classroom and just didn’t care what was happening around me.

As my Sophomore year was coming to an end, I started to develop constant flashbacks, nightmares about the event, and severe anxiety causing shortness of breath, uncontrolled tremors, hypervigilance, and anxiety attacks from the traumatic event.

What was scary was my pulse would race and chest tightened when anxiety attacks would constantly come from post-traumatic stress. Along with PTSD, I suffered with trauma bond for two years.

In 2020, I started to suffer with social anxiety disorder after returning to school from the pandemic. Feeling isolated and losing confidence in myself made it really difficult for me to make new friends.

I was all alone wanting to hide by the wall. My closest friends didn’t return to school after covid-19, I was lonely and so anxious that I would cover my face with my hair. I was bullied in middle school which went on for a few years. 

In 2021, I also developed generalized anxiety disorder when my PTSD was beginning to show symptoms, and weeks later I decided to tell my story to a high school counselor, which felt like one of the most terrifying moments of my life

I then got help recently after speaking out about the sexual abuse from seeing a counselor on a weekly basis. I was vulnerable as I opened up about my experiences, being educated on why I was feeling ashamed, guilty, and betrayed by my perpetrator and learning how to not let it control me.

I found out from my most recent counselor that I have an anxious preoccupied attachment that I feel like I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember.

I get attached to others easily and fear rejection and abandonment, I am afraid of being hurt and betrayed by anyone new that comes into my life. I still struggle with trust issues from my past experiences, I fear that whoever I let in will let me down.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

After the abuse happened, I didn’t realize or understand it was abuse. So instead, I felt like I bonded with my perpetrator and decided to get in contact.

We would text each other through Facebook Messenger and I craved the attention that my abuser gave me, there were highs and lows at times as most messages involved emotional abuse, but there were also conversations that were comforting. 

When we lost touch, I showed signs of depression. When I developed depression, it was like my heart was shattered into pieces. I lost the kind of relationship that I thought I had and felt like I did something wrong. 

When I realized that I experienced sexual abuse as a teenager, I didn’t know what to do. I started having vivid flashbacks from the event that made me feel afraid to tell anyone.

I feared telling the truth to someone, but I had to get it out when I didn’t know what else to do. I craved the cycle of abuse from the trauma bond I was psychologically trapped in and feared what would happen to my abuser if I told the whole story to someone.

When I shared my trauma from the beginning to the end of everything I remember, the school counselor I trusted believed me and got me the help I needed to heal. 

It felt like my blood ran cold when the truth came out and then my mom found out about it from someone else and I confessed the truth to her.

This experience caused me to feel guilty, ashamed, hypervigilant, and blame myself. I thought to myself, “I have feelings for this person.” “Why would this person do this?” “What did I do to deserve it?” 

These thoughts stuck with me for two years until I now realize that my experience can’t define me and I deserve better.

In 2020, when quarantine began, I felt so isolated and disconnected from the world. Months later, when the school opened again, I developed social anxiety disorder (SAD). 

I started to feel a lack of confidence in my appearance and I couldn’t look people in the eyes or have a conversation without anxiety creeping in. It was my sophomore year, and my mental state impacted my education. I was afraid and embarrassed to ask for extra help with my school work, work in small class groups, communicate, and connect with others in class.

When my post-traumatic stress (PTS) started to develop, I felt something that I’d never felt before in my life. I started having vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks that were constantly bringing back the trauma.

I wanted to say something to someone, but I was afraid of what would happen to my abuser. I decided that I would try to receive closure from my abuser before I took a big step toward healing. 

Then on the week of my abuser’s birthday in August 2021, it got to the point where I had to get the truth out to someone. During the summer of 2021, I started to talk about my experience with a good friend and still didn’t want anyone to know who abused me.

When my mom first suspected something and asked me if someone had touched me, I denied it. She could tell that I lied and tried to cover up the story.

My trauma bond made me feel like I had no control over my feelings towards my perpetrator and I did anything to not cause trouble and do anything for that person. 

My mom would do anything to protect me and my siblings and that was the part that terrified me. The addiction I had to post-traumatic stress was like there was no escape, I was emotionally trapped with my heart constantly being punched.

Then, my mom found out the truth from someone else by receiving a phone call and I had a feeling in my gut that she received horrific news. This was on the same day when I told my entire trauma experience to my high school counselor, which was a frightening occurrence that I carried.

My mom was on the phone being secretive of who was on the phone and I knew who it was. I was just as terrified as opening up to the officer who got involved. She talked to me in my room alone with furious behavior.

I was then getting help to work towards my healing journey. I was vulnerable and open to work on recovering from my mental illnesses, I wanted to not feel what I was feeling anymore.

I learned trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy to guide me by learning about the experience. I learned to let go and move forward with time. It was a lot of hell that I kept pushing through and I am proud to be where I am today.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

In June 2022, I decided to get on medication for my anxiety and social anxiety disorder. I have always been big on self-care when my mental health hits rock bottom. 

Being on medication after a few weeks showed a difference in my thinking with social situations. I started to see that I shouldn’t care what people think, I am a loyal and caring person, and I can find people who accept me after two years of insecurity.

This doesn’t mean that I am considering that others should get on medication to overcome a mental disorder, I never depended on it for my PTSD. We all have our own ways of healing.

As my post-traumatic stress showed unexpectedly, I never turned to substances as a coping mechanism. Instead, I needed to get it out by writing about the experience or telling someone about it. 

In October 2021, I remember myself thinking how I didn’t wanna keep living in pain and fear, I then was in counseling for the first time after I opened up about my sexual abuse.

I received a great education and healthy coping mechanisms to help me get through the dark times.

As months and then two years have gone, I kept educating myself to find answers. Today, I have healed from this tragedy by giving it my best to prioritize my healing journey with time.

With the support I got and educating myself, I feel relief that I am seeing change in my personal journey. 

When I was depressed for a year, I didn’t think I would realize that I needed to let go and realize that it was an experience that was temporary. 

This was something I never felt. I then learned that change is what challenges us. I know that I wouldn’t change my experiences that have led me to a positive change.

I am still learning how to live a better life by rebuilding relationships and learning to make new ones. I want to improve my self-awareness and rebuild my self-confidence.

With me knowing that I struggle with anxious attachment, I can dig deep into navigating how to heal and become a better version of myself.

I feel so proud of who I’ve become, I’m so grateful for my support system, even my mom. She has always been by my side and did whatever she could to support me.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started researching my symptoms of depression, wondering why I was filled with emptiness inside, and why I had dreams about someone that I thought cared for me.

I would listen to YouTube videos and go into therapy to help me understand why I was taken advantage of and how I can overcome this battle.

Journaling has been my best friend, I get my thoughts out by writing what I’m feeling. 

I found that digging into my trauma by writing down questions to ask myself about the experience. This helped me get a better understanding of my emotions.

What really helped me with my anxiety and depression was talking to my school counselors and my amazing friend who supported me. 

I talked to people I trust to get my thoughts out when they hit rock bottom. I learned to make myself a priority by doing simple tasks at home like chores to not dwell on my depression.

I can’t recall a lot of when I was depressed, I just remember the time it started and when there were darker times.

If I would go back to talk to my younger self, I would tell her not to blame herself. These feelings are temporary and you are growing every day.

For my severe generalized anxiety, I would make myself a priority. I stick to self-care routines that have helped me. 

For my routine, journal when thoughts get to me, I have an exercise routine, and I eat healthy. I feel like this routine has made a positive impact on my well-being along with counseling.

My social anxiety was improved by medication for the most part. I used to feel so insecure I couldn’t talk to people without choking.

It also started to make me feel in a low mood, almost like I was depressed but without wanting to cry.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I was back in school in 2020, I was at home sitting in the living room, and one of my best friends, who is like a big brother to me, had me open up to him about my depression I remember him saying how he can relate to what I was feeling.

I was relieved to express what I was holding in for a while. We were in high school together for a few years and our friendship is still a close bond.

I trust him when I need support in any situation. He is empathetic and compassionate.

For my post-traumatic stress, I decided to talk about my symptoms with the same friend.

I was afraid of mentioning my abuser because if my mom found out, she would go into full protective mode. During this time, I had feelings towards my perpetrator like I cared deeply for the abuser, feeling stuck in a trauma bond.

My friend has been supportive and trustworthy to me. I told him that two years ago, I started to realize that I was touched inappropriately by someone and I get vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks.

I also talked to my uncle about the situation in the same way as I talked to my friend by not giving too much detail. I then told my junior history teacher that I was abused and that year was very emotionally hard for me. 

My history teacher supported me when I needed to vent. It was so terrifying to talk about the fact that I was molested. I went for weeks without telling my friend or uncle who my perpetrator was. I just wanted the nightmares and flashbacks to end.

I was not comfortable talking to my mom about my mental health journey when it took a toll, she would come at me with tough love, like I’m not supposed to feel this way.

She once said that I can’t keep thinking this way with a hard tone because she doesn’t want to see me hurting inside. I would talk to my aunt, who is like my second mom. 

She listens and knows what advice to give when I am struggling. I am overall grateful that I got the support and help I deserved to help me grow. I am vulnerable and I have been since I was a kid.

I was raised to be open and honest about my health and emotional state. My mom would always be asking how I was feeling due to my medical history.

I was angry and would lash out when I had to leave my father so young. I was at the age where I didn’t understand the reasons. My mom would always be by my side trying to be strong for me when my medical complications were bad.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I want others to know that this won’t last forever. You have to fight and give it your all, don’t give up. Time is everything.

Today, I can look back on my journey and that it was worth it. It made me who I am today. I am stronger and aware that the world isn’t perfect. 

What we go through is a challenge for us to decide whether to give it all or nothing. If I were to talk to my younger self, I would say “You are not to blame and I am so proud of how far you’ve come. You can’t be so hard on yourself.” 

This mental health journey has made me discover good outcomes in my life. I can see 14-year-old Natalia wasn’t aware of her surroundings because she never should have faced tragedies that no kid deserves. 

She never saw this kind of behavior before and liked the attention that was given. I wish I could have realized I am not less than I am enough. Go easy on yourself and take it one day at a time.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Ted Talks became inspiring to me. This was helpful to me because people came to talk about their own experiences and share advice for those who could relate

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Overcoming Trauma and Depression With Therapy, Journaling and Self-Care appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi there! My name is Kage Burton. I am a welder in Utah and I build conveyor systems for companies around the world. I have been welding for 7 years now and I’d like to say I am getting pretty good at it!

I am also a ski instructor during the winters. There is nothing I love more than watching people when they finally start to understand skiing. It’s like watching someone discover what fun is. It’s really a neat experience.

While I do live in Utah now, Wyoming will always be home as that is where I spent the first 20 years of my life. I have a lot of fond memories growing up in Wyoming.

Wyoming has the smallest population out of any state in the United States, so when you’re a kid growing up in Wyoming, you kinda have to make the fun.

This took many shapes whether it be building four-wheelers with my K’nex, planning your next fort to build with your friends, or even sweeping all of the hay up in the top of the barn so you can open up a restaurant. (Yes me and my cousins did this and no we never opened the restaurant, we were like 8.) 

I am very fortunate to have a loving family that I grew up around. My family is very religious yet, I am not. I realized this when I graduated high school and quit going to church.

Being very worried about how this would affect my relationship with my father and the rest of my family, I can now say that I am extremely grateful for them. They have all accepted my life choices and let me be who I want to be, judgment-free. I will forever love them.

I moved to Utah in 2019 at the end of the year to pursue my career in welding. As you all know, 2020 is when COVID-19 hit and many people’s lives were affected. I was extremely lucky in the way things played out.

When I showed up to Utah I had 6 grand in savings and I managed to blow that in 2 months! But, in March, the school I was going to was forced to move all their classes online.

The story is actually pretty funny. I remember my late 70’s welding instructor telling the class, “All these colleges are going to online classes and they expect us to, but you can’t teach welding online!”

And then about a week later we were told that our course had been moved online. But, this was fortunate for me. I ended up taking a leave of absence in order to find a job and rebuild my savings.

Up to this point, I had never been out on my own so going out and living on my own was a very daunting task and I was quite frankly frightened. My town didn’t even have stoplights. The closest one to where I lived was half an hour north so I never went through that thing.

I don’t even think I had driven through a stoplight at this point. So moving to a town with stoplights at every intersection, that was a city to me, and I was terrified.

But now I’ve been living in Utah for three years. I have had so many wonderful and terrible experiences that have happened since. I’ve made friends and lost friends. Some of which have been with me from the start. I’ve learned to accept it though.

I live with my aunt and uncle right now where rent is so high. It’s a good place for me. It’s helped me to get out of my cocoon of sadness, cheered me up, and gave me the space to find the help that I need. So yeah, I am at one of the happiest points in my life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Well, I only really started taking my mental health seriously back in March. However, now looking back I can see that I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression my whole life.

As of one week ago, I can now add ADHD to the list of things I have always struggled with. Getting this ADHD diagnosis really adds depth to it all that I never could have seen. The lonely nights, the terrible performance, and the general lack of motivation.

As I said, I have been experiencing these things for as long as I can remember. When it comes to depression, I got very depressed when my first best friend replaced me with other more popular kids. This tore my poor little soul apart.

I remember crying many times, missing my dear friend and all the wonderful memories we had. Wanting so badly to be like the other kids so he would take me back. But he never did and I honestly can’t stand him anymore for what he did to me.

When I got into 5th grade, my teacher was not very nice to me due to me struggling with ADHD. This was extremely depressing and anxiety-inducing. I still don’t know how to longhand double digit divide because of this teacher. I genuinely did not understand the way she was teaching the concept.

But, after two or three attempts to ask for help, my teacher would yell at me and then send me into the hall crying. This destroyed my social reputation and self-esteem.

So the next year, in sixth grade, I was bullied relentlessly fueling the depression and anxiety I had already been experiencing. I wouldn’t participate with the class in games preferring to sit to the side and avoid all social interactions. Because I knew if I participated, I would just be subjecting myself to the put-downs of the popular girls.

Going into middle school, we see sadness arise from almost losing yet another best friend to the popular kids. This led me down the same road as before. Crying, fearing that my friend may move on and forget me and the relationship I had. So once again I tried to shift crowds with him.

This was almost my downfall. I started hanging out with a kid that happened to be a VERY BAD influence. Luckily this kid moved away after middle school and no longer played a part in my life after that. To give you an idea, this kid tried to rob a gun store after he moved. So yeah, glad I dodged that bullet.

Now I feel at this point, I should address ADHD and the effect it had upon me up to this point. In elementary school, my mother was always confused because I would read a book and then never test it. My reading grade was terrible because of this. She would take me in to take the test after school and I would score 100%. 

This eventually led to me losing my beloved dog in fifth grade. My dad says he told me if I didn’t get my reading grade up, he would get rid of Gage. I didn’t remember this probably due to ADHD and one day I came home after a long, depressing, anxiety-ridden day expecting to see my dog.

He was nowhere to be found. I asked my dad where he was and he just told me,” A snowmobiler from Montana came and picked him up.” I never got to say goodbye. Over the years we have had many dogs but Gage was my dog and I loved him.

I spent the rest of the night crying in my room missing my best friend. This wasn’t the only night that this had happened. In fact, I’ve been crying writing this because I still miss my friend.

ADHD continued to rule my life well into middle school and onwards. While teachers could keep my attention in class, the homework was about as boring as can be and it never got done. Thus, grades tanked and led to much disappointment.

A lot of teachers would see how smart I was when they were teaching something that I liked but they couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t do the work. This is about the time when every teacher began feeding me the depressing mantra,” You would do so much better if you would just apply yourself.”

I heard this from almost every teacher from this point till the end of my schooling career. I didn’t even know what that meant and it hurt. Because when you don’t know you have ADHD, this becomes an attack on one’s personal character.

So this became me. Someone who didn’t apply themselves. Someone who was lazy. And not someone who couldn’t do the hard work but someone who just wouldn’t. As if I had a choice in all the procrastinating and forgetting. When you have ADHD you don’t choose these things. They just happen.

I didn’t want to be 32 assignments behind in math. I didn’t want to barely graduate with a 2.1 GPA. I didn’t want to be a disappointment to my parents and teachers. It all just happened and there was no way for me to control any of it. But after so long you believe it all was your fault.

Eventually, I did graduate, launching me into the many struggles of holding a steady job. My first job I actually thrived at. This was working at a little retail store in town. Every day presented something new to deal with. The ADHD mind loves this.

Always something new to keep the mind entertained. From making shopping cart trains with the electric cart, to watching people get arrested for shoplifting. Every day was an adventure and I loved it.

A year later that place closed down and I found a job at the local Radioshack. Yes, you read that right. 2019, in a small town, run by a nearly 80-year-old man, Radioshack. It was as boring as it sounds and the only entertainment I got at that job was the 70-year-old man who worked there with me.

Other than that, there was no motivation to get anything done. My boss was always disappointed with me whenever he came around. And I almost made the store close down because it was losing so much money. But now I realize, that’s not entirely my fault. It’s a Radioshack in Wyoming. It was destined to fail.

After that wonderful experience I started my welding career by heading off to school. This required a lot out of me and it promptly started off with a panic attack in my mother’s shower at 8 in the morning when I should’ve been packing my car. My grandparents were eventually able to help me calm down and I did get moved.

I started school and this is when I met my first real girlfriend. If you don’t think that ADHD affects relationships, well, it does. I was completely infatuated with this girl for the first little while. I loved her and everything about her.

However as time went on, we grew distant as I wouldn’t be as excited by her or her interests anymore, and from her perspective, it looked as though the relationship had become about me.

She’s not wrong in looking at it this way. I wanted to do what I wanted to do because what she wanted to do didn’t interest me. I wanted to play my video games and she wanted to ride her horses. And after living together for a year and a half, she ripped my heart to pieces and moved 13 hours away to New Mexico.

I only had a week with her after finding out that she was doing this and it hit me like a truck. The day she told me, I had to leave and process what she’d said.

So, I went out to a field, laid in some dirt, stared at the sky, and cried for the next hour. She broke up with me about a month later and you could see in her text message that I had made the relationship about me. And now I know why.

Since then I’ve had two more relationships that never went anywhere because I lost interest in them. I still miss my ex and I don’t know when I’ll have another relationship like I had with her. This is single-handedly the most depressing thing I deal with. It’s about once a month I go into a depressive episode missing her.

And here we are now! Working my welding job and loving life! ADHD is always at work forgetting where my tape measure is or where I set my gloves. I make silly mistakes sometimes because I’m not paying attention and so I measure the wrong length or forget to change settings on machines.

The other day I had to grab some wrenches about 10ft away and within that distance, I forgot what I was doing and began eating Cheese-Its. I’ll pull out my phone to check the time and forget to check the time, opting to check my notifications instead. Every day is a struggle but, at least I can now see it for what it is!

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Having ADHD, depression, and anxiety is like having the dream team of “you’re gonna have a crappy day!” ADHD just makes the highs really high and the lows really low and the lows are just compounded by anxiety and depression.

When you’re in the highs it’s like hitting New Year’s all over again. You make all these wonderful resolutions/goals that you swear you are gonna follow through with.

Then a week to two weeks later, all that has gone to the wayside and you are right back to the habits you were so sure that you were going to conquer a few weeks before.

Once you slip back into those habits, the anxiety and depression hit like a truck. You’re anxious because you feel the need to stick to your goals but you can’t because your ADHD won’t let you. Then you get depressed because you feel like you will never be able to reach your goals.

The goals extend far and wide as well. It’s not as simple as I wanna lose 10 pounds. No, it’s more along the lines of I want to become a world-class bodybuilder.

As Peter Shankman says in his book Faster than Normal “When you have ADHD, there is no such thing as moderation.” So all the many hobbies that I have tried to start or thought would be fun. You find me thinking about what it would be like to be the best in the world.

Lately, my obsession has been singing. If you could look into my brain, you would not see someone starting a small YouTube channel to showcase new songs. Instead, I am thinking about who could be in my band and envision myself on big stages playing top songs.

A while back I really wanted to get into gem faceting (cutting gemstones). I have always had a fascination with rocks, so I thought it was right up my alley. Instantly I am thinking about cutting hundreds of thousand dollar stones and making beautiful works of art. However, this is an expensive hobby and the lack of funds eventually led to loss of interest.

Other hobbies I have dreamed about include Geology, Space Photography, Astrophysics, 3D Modeling, Mountain Biking, Freestyle Skiing, Park Skiing, War History, YouTube, Twitch, Video Game Development, Car Design, Vehicle Modding, Drawing, Music Production, Writing, Piano, Competitive Gaming, Videography, Social Media Marketing, Weight Lifting, Traveling, Self Help, Stoicism, Podcasting. I could list off so many more but I think you get the idea.

Eventually, you will try your hardest to stick to your newfound obsession but all the drive will be gone and it will actually feel sickening and depressing to even touch the hobby.

Then you start wondering, what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you follow through with anything? Can I even achieve my goals? And it all gets so very depressing.

You literally go from mentally planning your whole future out in your head to hating the very thing you were so excited about in a matter of two weeks.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Anxiety and depression have both gone down drastically since I moved and switched jobs. From the people that I know who have experienced depression or anxiety, there is often something in one’s environment that is causing the problem.

In my case, it was the job I was at where my boss expected way too much out of me for way too little. I soon realized this when it became obvious that he was lying about how we were performing in hopes of making us work harder. Spoiler, it had the opposite effect.

The anxiety had actually gotten so bad that back in March I had the worst panic attack of my life. It was work-induced and I was scared because my body legitimately locked up and I couldn’t move. Spooky!

However, when I went to the ER they prescribed me medication. As crazy as this may sound, I had no idea that they had medication for that! This was an eye-opening realization to me that this thing that you have had your whole life… Yeah that’s not normal.

So after having this major panic attack, I decided something needed to change. I was super depressed and I had started taking anxiety meds almost every day at work to keep the panic attacks at bay. So I started therapy!

Oftentimes males are super hesitant to open up to strangers about their feelings and what they’ve got going on in their life. Yet, I took the approach of I need the help and this person is here to help me and this was one of the best things I could’ve done. It took me only about a month with my therapist’s help to connect the dots to my terrible job.

This got me daydreaming at work about quitting and moving closer to my friends and boy did that excite me. Eventually, my boss pushed me over the edge and I pulled the trigger. I wrote my boss a letter telling him I was going to search for a new job. Instantly I felt better.

No longer did I have the ever-present pressure to give another 100% after giving 110% I ended up finding a job and moving and WOW my life is so much better. I haven’t taken anxiety meds since I left and I honestly don’t even think about them anymore.

Now, throughout therapy, there were some other things, aside from work, that came up in our discussions that were depressing me. Lack of motivation, inability to complete tasks, lack of goals, jumping from hobby to hobby. And every time I brought one up, my therapist would say, “That could be a symptom of ADHD.”

Up to this point, ADHD wasn’t something that I thought about. No, ADHD up to this point had just been something that my mother mentioned getting me tested for when I was a kid. After which I proceeded to start crying.

After all, I thought that if I got diagnosed with ADHD that meant I was stupid and disabled (I do not think this anymore). Why wouldn’t a kid start crying if that’s what they thought their mother said. So she never got me tested.

So, when I finally quit my job and moved south I made it my goal to get tested for ADHD and finally get an answer to some of my life’s most pressing questions.

I moved in April and it took me some time to finally get around to it. The thing that finally pushed me over the edge was the weekend of September 30th of this year. That weekend I was going to my first ever concert!

‘Falling in Reverse’ was opening for Avenged Sevenfold and I couldn’t be more excited. Falling in Reverse is one of my FAVORITE bands. I worked that Friday and as it is coming home from work on a Friday, I was exhausted.

I came home and took a nap, no big deal. Well after I had my nap, my girlfriend was gonna come over and my room was trashed. Gotta clean!

The very first thing I did was some laundry. I had gotten into the habit of leaving my wallet and keys in my pants so I wouldn’t lose them. Well, I cleared out my pockets. BIG MISTAKE!

I took my wallet along with a stack of papers and I put it all in my dresser drawer. My girlfriend comes over, we go to get snacks. No wallet. I begin ripping my bedroom apart! All that work I had done making my bedroom look nice, doesn’t even matter anymore.

Eventually, my girlfriend just said she’d buy the snacks and I calmed down. Besides, I’ll find it when I get back right? Wrong. Honestly, I forgot to look until about an hour before I was supposed to leave for the concert. I didn’t find it.

At this point, the anxious side of me is going nuts. Not only am I going to have to ask my friend to buy everything for me at the concert tonight, but I’m also going to have to cancel all my cards, get new ones, get a new driver’s license, get a new insurance card, and a whole host of other things. It’s worse when you have ADHD too because you never really know when you’ll get any of this done.

So Monday rolls around, but still no wallet. At this point, I am going through my head mentally drawing up everything that needs to be done to fix this. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I knew my wallet couldn’t be lost unless it was stolen or I dropped it somewhere. I finally called a mental health clinic and scheduled a test. Between the excessive fidgeting and the excessive loss of items at work, I was fed up and ready to find help. And me losing my wallet finally did it in.

Mind you, at this point, I had not found my wallet which means no insurance card. No insurance card means no coverage and thus yet another thing for me to worry about. I couldn’t care less at this point.

So after I had gotten home from work, my anxiety was running strong. Just that constant feeling that you are on edge and something bad’s coming your way. So later in the evening, I turned to my release, journaling.

But I haven’t been able to find my journal since well, Friday. Hmmm, maybe if I find my journal I’ll find my wallet. At that point, I remembered the stack of papers that I had and I thought maybe I had stuffed them into a drawer. I opened the drawer and sure enough, there’s my journal, and under my journal, THE EVASIVE WALLET!

Since then, I have been tested. I do have ADHD. I actually learned that just a few days ago and I couldn’t be happier. When you go 23 years with ADHD not knowing, the moment you start researching ADHD and the effects it has on people, your life changes. It really does!

I have always thought that I was normal. No different than everyone else. But I never questioned why I struggled so much more on the easy tasks than everyone else.

Through Middle School my grades were awful. Got called to the principal’s office so many times because of this. I was kicked off the middle school football team for poor grades. Never got to go on school ski trips which was really sad to me because my parents never took me skiing.

Going into High School. I was signed up for a jump start. I did fine in jump start. I actually quite enjoyed it but this was then followed by 4 years of disappointing my parents and teachers.

Failing in even the classes that I enjoyed, such as welding, robotics, engineering, and foods. I finished High School with a 2.1 GPA barely graduating.

My joke has always been,” I needed a D on that test in chemistry to graduate, and boy did I get that D!” But, now, I look back with sadness because, unlike most people who hated high school, I loved it!

Hanging out with friends all day, learning cool things about science, history, English, and participating in extracurricular activities. Why would I ever say I hated it or didn’t care? Because that’s just what I was told.

With ADHD there are always moments where it turns around for a while. My room was clean about a week ago. Now there is trash and clothes everywhere and it’s kinda just the way I am existing right now.

You’ll get these magical bursts of motivation that push you in the right direction but motivation is fleeting with ADHD and about a week or two later, it won’t matter how easy you’ve made it, you’ll stop doing whatever it was. This feeds into the depression.

However, I do feel like I am making progress as a diagnosis is a great step in the right direction. I am gathering the resources I need to help myself be more successful and it does feel good.

The diagnosis has most importantly helped me to realize what I am and what I am not. Because of this, the extreme self-degradation has gone down and I feel so much more free to embrace the silliness of it all.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

ASK FOR HELP! I cannot stress this enough. I would not be where I am now if it weren’t for the support group I have around me. I used to be so scared of asking for help, especially because of ADHD.

This is because when I was a kid, asking for help or asking questions was often met with degrading or hurtful comments. Couldn’t find something, Mother comes in finds it, and says “It would help if you open your eyes!”.

Didn’t understand what the teacher was teaching, “It’s super simple and you are just not paying attention!” Brain didn’t react to Dad’s question so I responded with,” What?” Dad responds,” Did I st st stutter?!”

All these things really add up and so you start to build a shell around you and think no one wants to help you. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized there are a lot of people out there whose only job is TO HELP YOU! 

I cannot tell you how excited I am that I can unabashedly ask for help. I am just plotting out all the help I can get all the time and it feels so awesome.

I’ve already got my therapist and I just recently added a psychiatrist to the roster. Imagine all the others I’ll add. ADHD Coaches… Career Consultants… All these wonderful people who are there to make my life more enjoyable are no longer behind this wall that I had put up.

I would also say, anyone who thinks they could be struggling with a mental illness, do some research. ADHD up until about a month ago was only a possibility in my head and I thought if I had it, it was probably only affecting me a little bit.

But as I listened to podcasts and browsed the ADHD subreddit, I slowly began to learn what it means to actually have ADHD. Eventually, I had the experience that most people with undiagnosed ADHD go through. The experience of understanding your whole life.

Mind you, this happened within a matter of two days, and from these two days, I actually came out scared that I wouldn’t get the diagnosis. So as you can see this shifted my entire worldview. I honestly think everyone should at least research mental disorders a little bit to at least understand what neurodivergent people go through.

Medication is also a big thing for me as well. By no means am I a professional but, data does suggest that medication is really beneficial to those with mental health disorders. The negative stipulation is something that has personally affected my family.

My sister actually has ADHD as well and we’ve known this from an early age. When she was diagnosed, she was put on Ritalin. This was around the time of the Columbine School Shooting where the assailant had been using a psychotropic drug leading up to the shooting.

Because of this, my mother had to listen to everyone questioning her for putting my sister on drugs. My mother had been trying to find the help she needed with my sister and up to this point doctors had told her that it was her just being a bad parent. Even going as far as to give her books on parenting.

She was eventually able to find a doctor who told her she wasn’t a bad parent and that her daughter had a 7-second attention span. After that, she was put on Ritalin and the doctor didn’t even believe it was the same child when she brought my sister back for a follow-up.

The medication was life-changing for my mother and from what I understand it’s the same with most people that struggle with ADHD.

Even when I got my anxiety medication I noticed a difference. Every time I knew it was going to be a rough day, I would take a pill, and everything would be ok.

Up to that point, my boss had to do any small thing to ruin my day and leave me anxious for the rest of the day. So the medication was a godsend.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Yes I have actually! I haven’t quite decided if this is a good thing yet. My reasoning for sharing this information is that it takes a lot of the mistakes I make off of my character. These people can then understand why I do the things I do and they can either accept it or deny it.

It no longer becomes my problem and I can continue to try to implement the systems that will help with a sort of shield from all the scrutiny. If they question me for asking for help or doing things a different way then I can simply turn to them and say,” I am asking for help/doing it this way because it is easier for me.

If you’d prefer I do things your way then just understand it will take longer or may never get done. Are you ok with that?” At that point, I have laid it out for them and they choose where it goes from there.

However, this has proven tough in certain aspects because, as mentioned in previous sections, no one knows what ADHD actually is and what we actually struggle with.

So when I tell my supervisor that due to my ADHD, I can’t do the inspection phase of a build, he just responds with,” Oh this doesn’t mean you can start using that as an excuse.”

Or when it comes to not cashing checks, my mom says,” Well this is your finances so this needs to take a bit more priority.” Little do they know, I have always struggled with the inspection phase and I can’t simply choose to prioritize one section of my life. I am simply trying to make the inspection phase easier and I will never do it if I spend too much time on one thing.

I think I’ll stick to telling people that I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression. The biggest thing is just making sure to educate them as to why I’m doing what I do and making sure they understand.

At the end of the day, I am the one who is part of the 5% so, I can’t expect anyone to understand what it’s like to be me and it’s my job to make sure they understand.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You are not alone. It is easy to get used to living with a disorder for so long and you think everything is ok and normal. But when you find out you are not normal by neurotypical means, it can be a depressing feeling like no one understands.

I am here to tell you that is not the case. There are millions of people struggling with the same things that you are. As dumb as it may sound I know a lot of us have sat at our computers in our underwear when we should be getting dressed for the day.

This isn’t just my experience, I heard it in the book Faster than Normal. I was at work when I heard it and remember just saying out loud, “THATS ME! Wait… that’s scarily super close to me.” Why is it so accurate? Because we are all sharing the same experience! Yeah, that’s how closely our experiences are connected.

So when you’re struggling and feel like no one understands, know that I understand. I lose my keys on the bed. I forget what I’m doing walking into another room. My room is trashed. I buy stuff I don’t need. We all do!

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Faster Than Normal: Turbocharge Your Focus, Productivity, and Success with the Secrets of the ADHD Brain: Peter Shankman has really figured his ADHD out and he offers a lot of good advice in this book.
• Hacking your ADHD: William Curb finds so many great guests who share their struggles with ADHD and how they’ve managed it and used it to their advantage.
• How to ADHD: – This channel has a lot of great advice when it comes to focusing on specific problems that come with ADHD.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

All I really have is YouTube and Twitch but heh, my ADHD makes it hard to stay regular. Check them out if you’d like. They are mostly just gaming content.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How an ADHD Diagnosis Helped Me Understand My Life and Turn It Around With Therapy appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, my name is Felicita Castillo Delcambre. It’s important that I include my “middle” name because it’s almost a funny story. My maiden name is Felicita Castillo Castillo. I know, it’s a little odd, but this is a constant reminder that I’m a one-of-a-kind type of person.

I’ve never met anyone in person with my name either, and I’m convinced I probably never will. My name is quite unique in my opinion. My parents named me after my great-grandmother, Felicita, and my first name actually means “happiness”.

Growing up, I despised my name. I go by Feli (rhymes with Kelly, belly, jelly. You get the idea when it comes to teasing kids.) for short, and I was teased a ton as a kid because of it. Christmas time was the worst when all my classmates would sing “Feliz Navidad” as “Felicita Navidad.” Not my happiest moment.

My entire life, I’ve always done my very best to live up to the meaning of my name, although naturally, some days are harder than others. Now that I’m older, I realize there’s so much to a name and I’m reminded to search for the small instances of happiness because I was chosen to be called this for a reason.

As for my double last name, it’s a longer story, but after I got married, it was very convenient that I could still keep my maiden name without extra hassle.

Currently, I live in Katy, Texas in the United States. This is a town that thrives on football and being the best in all sports and academics. They have upwards of eleven Katy alumni graduates who have made it to the NFL (National Football League) and the football team typically makes it to the playoffs every year.

They currently hold 9 State Championships, just at Katy High School alone, not including other Katy ISD high schools in the area. Katy Independent School District ranks number one among Public School Districts in the Houston Area, which is currently the fifth largest city in the USA and is currently ranked number twelve in the State.

I say all this because I currently have a freshman daughter in high school that I need to guide to live up to these high demanding standards as an athlete in their volleyball program and participate in all advanced core classes.

She is my world, and I always want the very best for her. I am also happily married, and we celebrated our 5th anniversary earlier this year. Although we’ve only been married for 5 years, we’ve been together for the last 10 years and I honestly couldn’t imagine life without him.

Both my husband and I work in the oil and gas industry. I work for a small engineering company in Katy, TX directly under the CEO. I wouldn’t say it’s a job I’m passionate about, but it is a job I do excel at.

My ultimate dream is to grow my two current businesses into full-time income so I can work full-time doing what I truly love and have a passion for.

I’ve always had an entrepreneurial mindset and passion for success. Even as a small child, you would catch me playing pretend “bank teller” instead of pretending to be “house mom” with my friends.

I wasn’t the type to play with baby dolls because I saw myself as a boss at a very young age. I believe I’m a natural-born leader. I’m currently a business owner of two businesses in the health and wellness industry.

It is my mission to empower determined women in their 30s and beyond to reclaim their energy through creating a sustainable approach to nutrition and macro counting.

I want women to build this strong belief in their best selves, both physically and mentally, because I know what it’s like to be torn down and not have help.

I want women to believe they can achieve their goals in their health and wellness, and realize the truth that they are more than just a mom, taxi driver, chef, housecleaner, and whatever other stereotypical womanly duties we are usually tasked with.

Overall, I am content with life, as there are those far worse, and I am grateful that myself and my loved ones are healthy, we have a home and are ultimately happy.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

Although it seems I’m living the American dream now, this wasn’t always the case. I come from a very small town in South Texas with a population of less than 4,000 people. It is drug-ridden and low-income, and many people unfortunately never leave there.

It’s a depression trap for some, a motivation to leave for others like myself. I blame where I come from to be the beginning of my struggle with the anger of having a self-sabotage mindset, and learning how to overcome negative self-talk.

Ever since I was a small child I’ve faced many challenges from my family and peers. We lived in low-income housing, with my parents never being married and my father not in the family picture.

I’m the youngest of four. My two oldest siblings weren’t always the best role models with each of them having babies at a young age. We had big age gaps, so by the time they graduated high school, my other sister and I were still in elementary school.

When I was 12 years old, and my third oldest sibling was just 14 years old, my mother left us behind to move around the country with her boyfriend at the time.

Since her first two children were grown with their own babies and lives, my adolescent thought process led me to believe that she quit on us because we weren’t going to be enough for her to change her ways.

My sister and I bounced around family homes for about two years. One week with my grandparents, the next with cousins, the next with friends, then aunts, then my oldest sister, then back to my grandparents.

We were mostly separated the entire time my mother was gone, but eventually, my mother ended up getting us our own apartment to live in so she could calm the nagging family taking care of her children.

At the young age of 14, the same age as my daughter now, my 16-year-old sister and I lived on our own and had to face adulthood extremely quickly.

We cooked, cleaned, washed our own clothes, worked, figured out schedules and rides, and performed all the parental duties ourselves, and for one another, growing up.

My mother would only send money for bills that weren’t covered by government assistance, and we faced eviction a time or two. This was the beginning of my struggle with anger and self-sabotage.

There were constant thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. If my own parents could leave me, and I wasn’t enough for them to stay and want to be part of my life, despite all my great accomplishments, anyone can and will.

I was angry because I worked so hard. I was always on the honor roll with amazing grades. I was captain of every sports team I played on. I made the varsity cheerleading squad and softball team as a freshman. I had figured if I worked extra hard to do the best and be the best, it would encourage my mother to come back to us.

I thought maybe she would recognize how amazing we are, and want to be part of that, but she didn’t. On the outside to my teachers and peers, I was this amazing student and friend, on the inside I was hollow bitterness living with the constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough no matter how hard I tried.

Over time I used my mother’s abandonment, for lack of a better word, as a motivator in life. Eventually, my sadness turned into anger, and this fire propelled me to achieve many goals I set for myself.

Once I graduated high school, I moved to San Antonio, Texas to carry out my dream of moving away from that place of sadness and building the home I never had.

Shortly after my move, I hit my first block of self-sabotage. I came out pregnant and found out a month before I was to go into the United States Air Force.

Looking back, I see this as God guiding my path, but at the time, I was devastated and disappointed in myself that I was so irresponsible in repeating the cycle I so desperately worked to escape.

I had worked so hard to finally leave a place of sadness, just to sabotage myself into now having another human depending on me. My daughter’s father wasn’t the best of people, and needless to say, we didn’t last. When my daughter turned a year old, I left him, and we were off and on until I met my now husband when she turned 4 years old.

I would say I still struggle with anger and self-sabotage to this day. There are times when I use my upbringing as a debilitating excuse in various aspects of my life. Sometimes it’s a hindrance, and sometimes it’s a motivator. There are times when I struggle in my marriage, as a mother, as a business owner.

On days when I’m dreaming up my future and how my businesses will one day be successful, and I’m putting in my notice to leave my job, there’s always this small voice I hear saying, “Look where you come from.

You don’t have a degree. You’re not good enough to be the leader of a successful business. You don’t belong in that crowd of success.” Then, I reflect on all the statistics I overcame at such a young age and remind myself that I already walked through hell and back, and if I can do that as a child, nothing can stop me now.

The passionate fire within me runs so deep in my soul that I truly believe I was made for great things. It’s the faith that my story thus far and the meaning of my name is meant for greatness and happiness, despite the sadness I endured. I wasn’t named “happiness” for no reason, and although I don’t know the reasons now, I’m content with never knowing.

The anger still lives in a small place inside me, and I still struggle with this daily. I’ve since forgiven both my parents and now understand many things and their reasoning that I didn’t understand as a child.

I realized that anger will only continue to self-sabotage my dreams, and having faith in my search for my happiness and success continues to be my new motivator.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my worst moments, I wanted to die. Even as an elementary school-aged child, these thoughts came to mind. I thought about dying and what people would say and think.

I prayed my peers would regret being so mean to me when I was gone. I prayed they would suffer the pain of the sadness they inflicted on me once I was gone. I prayed they would ask for my forgiveness.

But then I would think of those who did love and care about me, and I couldn’t bear imagining the pain they’d feel also. It was my imagination of their sadness that overpowered the pain of imaginary hatred that kept me alive and I’ll forever be thankful for their love.

It was never clear to many people that I was suffering in any way. As far as everyone knew, I was the best at everything. I was strong. I was independent. I was capable. I was very smart. I was happy.

No one knew I was struggling unless I told them I was. Teachers had no idea. Only some very close friends knew. I couldn’t bear the look of pity. I hated to tell people my mother left me because people would give me this disgusting look of empathy as if they could possibly imagine what I was going through and I couldn’t stand it.

It made me feel even smaller than I already felt. It made me feel incapable and weak, and I didn’t have time for those feelings. I didn’t have room in my heart for weakness because if I wasn’t strong, I would fail. If I wasn’t capable, there would be no one else to help me.

I was alone and I only had me and I preferred it that way. I needed to be independent. I wore this mask of strength for so long, that sometimes I feel like I still wear it. In fact, sometimes I know I do. This is how I know I still struggle.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

It wasn’t until I learned I was going to be a mother myself, that I realized I needed to change. I didn’t know what kind of mother I was going to be, but I knew one thing. I was going to do everything opposite of my mother.

I knew I had to end the cycle and it needed to be me to do it. My daughter truly saved me from myself. I often feel if she hadn’t come into my life when she did, I probably would’ve spiraled into this chaotic tornado.

God knew I needed her and although she came at the most unexpected, inopportune time, she was meant to be. I knew the first step to making a change would be forgiveness and I started to heal my relationship with my mother once I became pregnant.

By then, she had made her way back to my hometown after finally leaving her boyfriend whom she left us for. She came back my senior year of high school thinking we’d dance back into her loving arms. That didn’t happen with me, but my sister moved back with her, while I refused and eventually moved away after graduation.

A couple of years later, after her repeated attempts to mend our relationship, I gave her the chance to be there for me throughout my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter, and she was. She was there for me in the exact motherly way I needed her to be, and slowly my heart started to heal.

It was a couple of years after my daughter was born that I came across network marketing, and the company I was with was huge on personal development.

I read so many books on overcoming negative emotions, communication, and wealth management. I practiced what I learned, and transformations happened. I started to actually become the person I always wanted to be.

I overcame emotional obstacles more easily. I was more understanding of things within my control. My career in network marketing never flourished to the lengths they said were possible, due to paralysis of fear in my opinion, but I’m grateful for everything I learned when it came to all the personal development teachings I practiced in the 3-4 years I was with my team.

I took a break and have recently begun a new journey with an entirely different company now. I don’t see network marketing in the same way I used to, and I now know the limitations of its success, but I do see the benefits of it being an actual business and how the product is still very impactful in a good way. 

I remember before moving away from my hometown, I used to dream of leaving so that no one knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be and it would be true because they wouldn’t know me to cast judgment up front.

I could be anyone my heart desired. No one would know where I come from. No one would know anything about me and I could portray my best self. My true self and that would be who they knew. Then I would be the person I was made to be.

I would actually be the one who is the best at everything. I would be a strong, independent, capable woman and it would be true because I would no longer live in the shadows of despair in my hometown with the judgemental eyes and people waiting for me to fail. I would finally be happy.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I do see her. Deep down, I have forgiven my past and I know that my true self is the desires of my heart and future, which is why I can confidently be the person I am today and not feel like there’s a mask on.

Of course, I have my days of self-pity, and I make excuses, and the spurts of self-sabotage come out to be an unproductive day but ultimately in those instances, I give myself grace and remind myself that I’m human.

I’m not perfect and I never will be. I am capable but I deserve breaks. I am independent but I deserve a partner. I am strong, but people who love you help you carry the load.

Slowly, over time I’ve opened up and learned that it’s ok to let people in. Allowing people in your heart doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you’re loved.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started with forgiveness. I recognized that anger was my fuel and my trigger and it was very unhealthy in many ways. It was my anger that led to my self-sabotage and the excuses I made to not be my best.

I knowingly put a wall up and did not allow people in. Take the time and identify the emotions you know are hurting you. Ask yourself what’s making you mad, if it’s anger. If it’s sadness, what’s causing the pain of sadness? If it’s selfishness, what’s causing you to feel like you’re going to lose something that you have to grasp everything so tightly and selfishly?

What do you feel like you’re lacking, or going without that you feel the need to take so much? It is so important to identify the emotion that is causing you pain and understand what is in your power to overcome that emotion and channel it into something positive for yourself and those around you.

For example, I identified that I was angry at my parents and needed to figure out how to forgive them for leaving me. I needed to prove to myself that I was enough for love. So the first place I turned to was the Bible.

God’s word explicitly explained exactly what love is and how no matter what I am and always will be loved. No one on earth could love me more than God himself, and for me, that was enough.

I learned how Jesus forgave those who crucified him, and he was perfect. He did nothing to deserve his tortuous death. This showed me that if he could forgive them, I could also forgive my parents and anyone who hurt me.

I also actively participated in a small faith group where we’d meet once a month, pick a bible verse to discuss, and share the thoughts in our hearts. It was a safe space for me with people I knew I could trust, so I would recommend finding a community that you feel can be your safe space as well.

For those non-religious, I would still say to read, and reading books on personal development helped me tremendously. There are various books that explain how to identify different emotions and what you can do to overcome obstacles preventing you from being your best and true self.

Journaling is also a very beneficial method that helps to relieve emotions that are harming you internally. I have journals that date back to more than 20 years ago.

If you don’t feel like you’re ready to talk to a professional, journaling is a great way to speak your voice in an unconventional way, although I would also highly recommend speaking to a professional.

Depending on what you’re struggling with, getting professional help is one of the best ways to resolve some issues, if you feel like these are things you can’t quite handle on your own, or don’t know how to overcome. Trained professionals can help guide you to the healing you are seeking.

Reading was also another way I learned different techniques for identifying emotions. I read several books on personal development and learned different ways to channel my anger into something productive. I learned that I had control over my emotions, and could use this power over thoughts and actions to be a person I’m proud of.

I didn’t realize I was already doing this but in a negative, unhealthy way to a certain extent. Not letting people into my life did nothing but make me feel sad and lonely.

I learned that other’s actions didn’t dictate my feelings. It was my reactions to others that I needed to learn to control. Reading books that help you with things you can relate to helped me tremendously on my journey thus far. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As a child, I only shared bits and pieces of what I was going through with friends. Close friends knew my mom wasn’t there, but they didn’t know my mental health struggles.

I also didn’t share many of my emotions with family other than my sister who was experiencing the same emotions with me because she was left behind also.

I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it because I despised the feelings of pity, which was always the first reaction. I also knew that no one else could fully relate to what I was experiencing because they never went through anything like that.

It was difficult for me to speak to anyone I knew wouldn’t fully understand and I didn’t have time to waste trying to do so. It wasn’t until after I significantly started healing that I felt more comfortable sharing this struggle with others. 

I did share this experience with my husband, and he is one of the only people who truly knows everything. I also served on a church retreat team years ago, and shared my story of forgiveness with the retreatants, along with my small faith group members.

Otherwise, that time of my life has now come and gone and I don’t feel the need to share my journey as much anymore. After finding healing, I’ve come to be so much more at peace. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Time is the enemy and the gift. We don’t know when our time is up, and instead of wasting your energy on all the negative things in your life, use it wisely. Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person you’re angry at to die.

You’re only hurting yourself at the end of the day, and you’re losing precious time that you could use to be happy. There’s no good reason to suffer.

Don’t waste your time. Don’t waste your time on things that are hurting you and the people you love. Don’t focus your time and energy on things that aren’t helping you be a better person.

What you give to the universe you get back tenfold, so use your time to be your best self, and your best self will eventually appear. It’s a choice to live miserable, or happy. The choice is yours.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Secret by Rhonda Byren helped me understand that you attract what you put into the universe. You are in control of your desires. 
• The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson helped me identify obstacles in my path toward the dreams I had in my heart and how to overcome them using the power of the mind.
• The Shark and the Goldfish by Jon Gordon helped me by showing me different ways of seeing things in a positive way, instead of a negative way. Nothing is out of reach and perspective makes a huge difference in the outcomes you desire.
• Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki helped me understand the fundamentals of a successful business. Changing your mind around how you see money to make it work for you, rather than you working for it will help build financial wealth.
• Slay Girl Slay Podcast with Ashley Leggs has helped me on days that I struggle to believe I am worthy. Whenever I’m discouraged, I’ll put on her show and she is the ultimate hype woman. I highly recommend listening to her show.
• The Good News with Ashley Leggs is also another show I listen to when I’m discouraged and beginning to self-sabotage. This reminds me that I’m not alone. The show features so many people who went through a similar childhood as me, or worse, and overcame their obstacles too. It helps me remember that I’m not the only one who’s suffered and overcame trauma of some sort.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can sign up for my email newsletter where you’ll learn ways to live a healthier lifestyle without giving up things you love. You can sign up using this link.

You can connect with me more on my recent health journey on Instagram at @TheVindiJourney. My personal profile is also linked in the bio section to connect with me there as well.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Struggle With Abandonment And Anger Through Resilience and Forgiveness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Tatyana Frost and I live in Manchester New Hampshire. I work in social work and have worked as a clinical mental health case manager, but recently accepted a new position as an inpatient mental health counselor.

It can be a challenge to work in mental health while struggling with your own, but it has provided me with copious amounts of perspective and knowledge which not only allows me to help others, but also myself.

I am currently engaged to my amazing partner and we are planning our wedding for October of next year. We have two kitty cats together, Kimchi and Frittata and they are my whole world!

Most days I would say I consider myself to be satisfied and pleased with my life, but I would say this is a fairly recent development. I have always struggled with what I call my “deep down sadness” which often interrupts my ability to feel secure and joyful in life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I began to struggle with my mental health when I was really young. I’ve kept diaries my whole life and the first record I have of wanting to kill myself was when I was about 9 years old.

I have a trauma history dating back to before I could speak when I was taken out of my home in Ulyanovsk, Russia due to neglect and suspected abuse.

I was adopted by my new family when I was about 3 years old and taken to the States. I struggled with being adopted a lot; I felt like I was an unwanted, unlovable, and undeserving child.

My adoptive family provided me with a great life but could be very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. I grew up chronically invalidated and gaslit, being told that my feelings were unimportant or wrong.

My mother made me feel as though nothing I did was ever enough to please her and pushed shame onto me when she was feeling insecure. I always felt as though I was responsible for my parent’s inability to manage their emotions and that I was the problem. 

As a teenager, my depression worsened but I struggled to speak up since mental health was a taboo topic of discussion in my family. Besides, at the time I thought that everyone was feeling the way I did inside.

That was when I began self-harming for the first time. I had heard about it and thought that since that’s what others did to feel better, it would make me feel better too. Self-harming became a regular coping skill I would utilize whenever my mom and I would fight, which was often.

My first episode of mania was when I was about 17. I had never been manic before, and my naturally hyperactive personality created an easy-to-wear mask for this symptom.

I began staying up for days, experiencing rapid speech, and most notably, delusions and paranoia. I would hide when I thought there were people watching me outside, and at one point believed I could fly.

The delusions got worse as the mania increased, but seemingly out of nowhere, the mania would turn into severe depression. I struggled to get out of bed and watched myself fail a test for the first time. These vicious cycles went on uninterrupted for months, causing daily struggles.

I tried to talk to my mom about what was going on, but she told me that I was just lonely and my iron was low. She refused to let me see a therapist and eventually, my school counselor had to step in for me to get any help. 

The summer before my senior year I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for suicidal ideation with plan, means, and intent. After about a one-month stay I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 1 with psychotic features.

I was hospitalized two times again after that, the second time for symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the third time for symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I was assaulted in February of 2023 by my self-defense instructor and it made my BPD and PTSD symptoms significantly worse than they had been in a very long time.

Almost daily I would have horrible nightmares, flashbacks, episodes of dissociation, and blind rage where I would self-harm and damage things in my home. It became very scary and overwhelming for my partner to see me going through something that neither he nor I knew how to control.

More than anything impacted my ability to work as a mental health professional. I had to reduce from full-time to part-time at work which caused even more internal shame. 

These days my Bipolar Disorder is mainly managed through medication which I take daily. I still experience minor episodes of mania and depression but not to the same extreme as without my medication.

My BPD and PTSD symptoms are still a daily struggle, but my weekly sessions with a trauma therapist doing Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Rapid Desensitization (EMDR), and Polyvagal Theory help to keep some of my symptoms in check. I still struggle daily with emotional dysregulation and occasional dissociative symptoms. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Before my diagnosis, these illnesses provided me with nothing but confusion and stigma. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. It was draining to be fighting an illness with no support, and felt defeated for every day was a challenge that felt impossible to win.

I think I did try to hide it in the beginning because I was in denial myself, but eventually, I knew that hiding it was only hurting me. I was rejected by my family when I reached out for support, and that only caused more internal shame. I felt alone and depressed simply knowing that others were not seeing my struggle and not listening to my desperate cries for help.

When I was eventually diagnosed, I had to grieve the life I thought I would have. After each of my diagnoses, I felt as though my life would never be what I always imagined it to be. And in a lot of ways, it wasn’t.

In a lot of ways, it was better. My diagnosis gave my healthcare providers and myself direction for my treatment. In 2022 I was in a place of maintenance with my treatment. 

After being assaulted in February 2023 I felt like a completely different person. My symptoms of PTSD and BPD were completely unmanageable. I felt like a completely different person and had no idea how to go through life.

These struggles were very obvious to my fiancé, but neither of us knew what to do about it. These symptoms I could not hide no matter how badly I wanted to. When I wasn’t working I was self-medicating, and even at work there were many times where I broke down emotionally.

I felt a lot of pressure from myself to hide these symptoms, to pretend as if that event didn’t change me. Even now, I haven’t completely processed it and still feel as though I haven’t gotten myself back. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I think the first time that I noticed things turning around was probably when I went to college. For the first time, I was able to find myself away from the judgment and control of my parents.

I had taken control over aspects of my life that I had, up until that point, felt uncontrollable: my eating, my routine, and exercise, and my social circles. All of which positively impacted my mental health. I would say 70% of circumstances and 30% of actions resulted in the bettering of my mental health.

However, it wasn’t perfect, and I quickly learned that relapse is a part of recovery. During my second semester in college, I was hospitalized again and that stay was another turning point for me.

Each hospitalization taught me something new and reminded me that improving your mental health is a lifelong project. I had a few months period of stability before COVID hit and I had to move back into my parents’ house.

After moving back in with my parents, I learned that living in that toxic environment took a huge toll on my mental health and I decided to move out and into my aunt’s house. This was another time in my life where I had relapsed in my mental health symptoms and it took me months to get to a more stable place. 

After about a year of living with my aunt and desperately trying to salvage my relationship with my parents, I moved to New Hampshire with my then-boyfriend, now fiance’, in 2021.

I really struggled with that transition and my relationship with my parents since moving out was still extremely strained. I once again fell back into unhealthy habits and patterns – self-medicating, isolating, self-harming. It wasn’t until a year after moving to New Hampshire that I felt as though I found my footing.

A combination of medication, time, regular exercise, and intentional efforts in therapy brought me to a place of maintenance with my mental health struggles. My mental health has continued to have ups and downs since then, especially after my assault in February of this year.

It spent several months living in a reactive state after the assault and struggling to get back to a place of good physical and mental health. I am still recovering from that experience and I know that I will throughout the rest of my life have consistent periods of relapse and recovery – but to think that recovery is simple and happens all at once would be naive. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Over the years there have been countless things I have learned from my mental health treatment. One of the biggest things that has continued to help me along my journey with mental health is education.

After being diagnosed with Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD the first thing I would always do is buy a book, watch a video, read an article, etc. Working in the field now and being an advocate online, this is the first thing I always recommend people do after any diagnosis.

It’s hard to help yourself or know what you need without understanding first what beat you’re dealing with. It can be helpful to look at the DSM 5 diagnostic criteria, however, I personally think it’s more helpful to read testimonials and find people online or in your own life with the same diagnosis.

Keep in mind that everyone’s experience with mental illness is different, even if you have the same diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, I loved Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir An Unquiet Mind. That particular author has written a couple of books on the subject and as a psychologist herself shares her story very openly.

To this day, it is my favorite memoir of someone with Bipolar 1. I spent a lot of time watching educational documentaries and first-hand accounts of others with the same diagnosis. It helped me to feel less alone and also to educate myself.

After my BPD diagnosis, I really struggled to understand what BPD was and how it impacted me. The book, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me provided me with the diagnostic criteria, case studies, and tips and tricks for managing my symptoms.

The value in doing this is not only so that you yourself know what you’re dealing with, but also so that you can help others in your life better understand. 

One of the best things I did for my Bipolar Disorder was to track my symptoms and episodes. I used the eMoods app for this. I started doing it after being given the suggestion myself and found that it was invaluably helpful.

Once I began tracking my symptoms in relation to sleep, irritability, mania, depression, whether I took my meds, and whether I had therapy, it helped me see my own cycles.

Not only did it give me an idea of when I would cycle into a depression or mania and how long it would last, but it also was helpful to share with my providers so that they knew what was coming and how they could help me.

I learned that my cycles usually last about a month or so and that not sleeping or taking my meds can be a huge trigger. In the app, I was also able to add notes. I would track my self-harming habits, whether I was menstruating, or if there were any additional psychological stressors going on at the time. 

I also found that having routines did wonders. A consistent sleep and exercise routine kept me on a positive track with my symptoms. Sleep has always been a huge trigger for me – without sleep, I am more likely to enter a manic episode.

Working a job kept me on a stable sleep routine and also gave me a daily routine to adhere to. Exercise has always been something I have struggled with but once I found a way to exercise that was good for me, it was amazing how it lifted my energy and self-confidence.

I have always found that yoga was a great practice for me as it has a mind and body effect to it. Outlets for your daily stressors that can also better your physical health can be an important part of mental wellness.

However, for those who don’t like exercising, having any outlet is helpful. I also like to unleash my creativity through music, art, journaling, and theater. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In the beginning, I held a lot of inner shame and stigma about my diagnosis. I had a hard time talking to those who I knew were not understanding, such as family members.

However, I have always cared about being the change you want to see in the world. After my first hospitalization at 17, I returned to high school late that summer due to being in treatment. It was a tradition at my school to share a presentation about how your summer went and what you did.

I spent most of my summer in a mental hospital recovering from severe depression and mania. I felt very conflicted about sharing this, and for a while, I tried to decide if I would instead create an elaborate lie for my presentation. No one in my school knew, and I wasn’t sure I wanted them to.

After an internal battle for a few weeks, I made the decision to share my hospital experience in the presentation. I realized that the shame and stigma I felt were residue of the stigma that society told me I should be feeling, and I wanted to do better. I focused my entire presentation on my hospital stay, and while I didn’t go into too many details, I was proud of myself for not adding to the shame. 

It was hard in the beginning, and I had experiences where I thought I was safe to share and ended up realizing I wasn’t. There was a girl I met at a pre-college event that I told about my diagnosis and I ended up regretting her response which was shrouded in miseducation.

She told me that she, too, had mood swings and maybe she was Bipolar. It made me feel as though she wasn’t taking it seriously and invalidated the very real symptoms I was experiencing.

Mood swings are a normal part of life that everyone has. Bipolar Disorder is more than mood swings. While I have always cared about advocacy, I also recognized that I am not responsible for educating everyone in the world; I am not the sole spokesperson for the illness, and I wasn’t open with everyone even when I wished I could be.

Later in life I started casually dating a guy who I planned to tell about my diagnosis, but ended up changing my mind when he shared previous negative experiences with someone in his life who also had Bipolar.

I wonder now if it would have been okay, but at the time I was worried that his negative point of view on the illness would have a ripple effect on me. I never told him and didn’t end up seeing him anymore after that. 

As someone who works full-time, it was always a challenge to decide whether I should or shouldn’t share my disorders with my employers and colleagues at work.

So far, I have. The biggest reason is that I have had numerous times in my life where I have had to take time off of work and school in order to focus on my mental health. I am also fortunate to work in the mental health system and have had very understanding and non-judgmental coworkers.

I am always the most worried about sharing my BPD diagnosis since, out of them all, that one tends to have the harshest stigma. At this point, I have not had a boss or coworker who has been unkind about my struggles, and my current boss has been very receptive to my limitations at work.

In these ways, I am very lucky, as I know this is not everyone’s experience. Whether I do or don’t decide to share my disorder with my workplace, I always check the box during hiring that inquires about disabilities, as mental health disorders such as Bipolar and BPD are considered such.  

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Something that I wish I had known earlier in my mental health journey is that my mental illness does not need to define me. Looking back, I see now that while I was processing and educating myself on my Bipolar diagnosis, I overidentified with the label.

I let it become too much of me and who I thought I was. While this is controversial in the mental health world and everyone has their own preferences, I stopped using the phrase “I am Bipolar/BPD” and instead I say, “I have…” I did this when I noticed how overidentifying with my diagnosis was hindering rather than helping me.

No one would say you are PTSD or you are Cancer. It helped me remember that my mental illnesses are a part of me, not who I am. I am so much more than what label I have been given. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• An Unquiet Mind – Kay Redfield Jamison: Helped me to understand my disorder, see that I am not alone, and showed me that having a mental illness makes me even better equipped to be a mental health professional. 
• I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality – Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus: Provided me with an education and understanding of what BPD is, how it develops, and how I can cope with it. This is also a book I would recommend to anyone who has a loved one with this disorder. After I read it, I asked my fiance to do so as well. 
• The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk: While this book should have been updated since its release, it is still a cult classic in understanding PTSD and BPD. It is very written in a very digestible format and I always recommend it to my clients with PTSD. It helped me to understand how PTSD impacts me and treatments that can help, such as EMDR. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on Instagram @havingbipolar. There you will find access to the podcasts I have spoken on and my own self-help book I wrote about a year ago designed for those with Bipolar Disorder. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Finding My Way Through Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD With Therapy and Medication appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi there! My name is Cami and I live in Flagstaff, Arizona, with my adventurous husband and sometimes even more adventurous kids. We have 6 of them, 3 boys and 3 girls, ages 21, 18, 17, 15, and 12-year-old twins.

They are a wild and crazy bunch keeping me busy with all their sporting events, outdoor activities, and friend hangouts. Most weekends are filled with our kids’ activities but when we have a “free” weekend you will find some, or all, of us in a canyon, rappelling off cliffs or rafting on a river, (sometimes both in one trip). Often with a friend or two in tow who may or may not be aware of what they have signed up for. 

I am a much happier person if I can spend a little bit of time each day in nature. I love an early morning run by myself, something with my family, or connecting with friends for any and all trail adventures.

Our ladies’ group loves to chat. We also like to mountain bike, hike, ski, and snowshoe, but most importantly, we talk. You’ll hear us before you see us. 

I am a life coach and started my trauma-informed embodiment coaching shortly after suppressed and repressed trauma came up in my body. At the start of my healing, I couldn’t find a coach who offered the body-based healing I was seeking to release my trauma, so I decided to become what I needed.

Since then I have found a number of healers, realizing that I just didn’t know where to look. These coaches, therapists, and healers have helped me and I am now fortunate to join with them in offering embodied trauma healing.

As for happiness, I always considered myself happy. However, now that I see happiness as an embodied experience, where I can feel a range of amazing and hard emotions, I see the happy person from my past differently.

I see she was doing the best she could, but in reality, she was in trauma most of her life, and that manifested with fawning behaviors of people pleasing, pretending, hiding from her true self, and darn good at being the happy person she was supposed to be.

Today, I know how to feel happy while being in my body, and that is so different than just acting happy. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I thought my struggle started in 2019, but my trauma would tell me a different story. In 2019 I was a 42-year-old woman, taking a course on reclaiming my desire when I was blindsided by memories of a sexual assault from 26 years earlier that refused to be repressed any longer.

Like a beach ball being held underwater ready at any moment to explode to the surface, they chose that moment to burst out of hiding and come forth with a vengeance into my memory and body.

Repression is a coping technique for the freeze response. It’s a way to dissociate from the pain and overwhelm of a traumatic event so there is zero memory of the event or anything connected with it. I now view repression and dissociation as a very kind response because knowledge of my assault rocked my world at 42.

I can’t imagine what my 16-year-old self would have done if the full weight of what I was experiencing came crashing down on me. I had zero resources and no one to believe me if I shared my truth. Few from my past believed me when I shared at 42.

Once the door of repression was opened, I couldn’t stop the floodgate of memories and body responses that came pouring out of me. In fact, many of these traumatic moments were memories of times over the course of those 26 years, when a smell, phrase, place, or mention of my perpetrator’s name would cause a reaction that was out of my control.

Those moments were surprising, startling, and confusing (because, I didn’t remember the assault, I felt my body was acting crazy). Then as victims often do, I would gaslight myself by saying what I was remembering wasn’t real or could never have happened to me.

Then I would promptly shove that memory or body response back down inside me, back to wherever it came from. This reaction is called suppression, meaning something coming up is too overwhelming and so a victim’s survival nervous system will tuck it away and store it for their body to try to offer again at a later date.

Suppression and repression are coping tools common in those with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and when traumas are no longer suppressed or repressed, the past trauma is brought into the present as if it’s happening in the current moment.

In 2019 my past trauma became a constant part of my everyday life and I was diagnosed at my first therapy session that year. 

Over the next couple of years, as more and more trauma surfaced, I found that I also had cPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) another name for developmental trauma.

Unlike PTSD which usually comes from a big T trauma, an event most people agree would be traumatic, cPTSD comes from many small events. The C stands for how complex and interwoven the events can be but to me, it stood for Craziness.

I felt crazy trying to make sense of it all. I knew what I was remembering really happened and yet I doubted and questioned my trauma and my experiences far more in this space due to how subtle it was.

I had 42 years filled with some good times but I wanted to minimize the larger amounts of betrayal from family, church, and friends. Plus there was more sexual abuse that filled up those complex memories. I had normalized the unhealthy in order to survive. 

Now, after 4 years of processing trauma, it continues to be mind-blowing that I had no memory of any of it until 2019. And that same mind-blown response that early in my journey led me into loathing and judgment of my younger self, now leads me into compassion, able to see those younger versions and why I needed my survival nervous system to be online keeping me safe and somewhat functioning.

I no longer have the scary trauma overtake me. When things come up, layer by layer as trauma does, I am no longer afraid. I trust my body and we heal together. We are no longer at war.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The worst moments came between 2020-2022. I had contempt and hatred for my body’s choice to freeze as its survival coping. I felt weak and was disgusted that my survival kept my trauma at bay, yet bubbling in my unconscious mind and body for 26 years.

I hated the patterns of behavior I could see stem from a frozen me in my current life and I felt hopeless to change them. I felt controlled by my trauma and even though I wanted to do things differently, I couldn’t. Instead, I would freeze and dissociate.

And then when I realized I also had cPTSD, that meant I had been struggling with developmental trauma for 42 years. I had lost myself, never even knowing there was a self to find because I always went into fawning behaviors that managed everyone else at my expense and again, I couldn’t stop doing it. I was a victim and a martyr to my trauma responses and all the people around me. 

When all the flashbacks, memories, and sensations came out of their suppressed and repressed places in my body for both my assault and my complex little t traumas, I was physically exhausted and overwhelmed.

It seemed as if every cell of my body was releasing a memory, a sensation and thought pattern connected with it that felt true and terrifyingly unsettling all at the same time.

I found myself reliving moments of my past over and over again multiple times a day, through memories or body visceral responses that would cause so much terror, disgust, and physical pain, that I thought it would overtake me.

I thought I had to suffer alone and pretended I was fine. I was definitely not happy but thanks to my fawn response, I had always been good at pretending. But my husband was not fooled and neither were my kids.

They knew something was up and looking back, I can see how distracted I was. I had a hard time being present with my kids, husband, and friends because I was so busy trying not to let the memory that was currently playing on repeat have my full attention. I felt I was always divided between 2 worlds.

One I wanted to be fully present in but unable to because of all that was going on inside and one I was trying to avoid but never could. I felt crazy. And I started acting crazy in my attempts to pretend I was fine. I wanted so desperately to be fine.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

There are 2 moments that got me out of the crazy feeling pretend loop I was repeating day after day. One came in 2019 when I was still in denial of how much my PTSD was affecting my life. The other came when I realized that trauma is not mental and so it needs a body-based healing approach.

In 2019, the memories were coming but I was still trying to hold them at bay. I didn’t want what happened to be true and I was resisting, trying so hard to hold back the floodgates. My body would shake without me being aware. I remember my daughter asking me why my hand was shaking. As I looked down at my hand, I saw nothing but a hand at rest.

It felt disconnected from me but I couldn’t see what my daughter could. She put my hand in between her 2 small hands and said, “Mom, they are shaking so much.” I couldn’t feel or see my own hands shake until they were in between hers.

I was terrified that not only could she see something I couldn’t but I couldn’t see or feel myself shaking without her help. My body felt out of control and I wondered what else I was doing that I wasn’t aware of? It was time to get help. 

This was 30% of my change for the better. It was the push I needed to let others support me in my healing from trauma. I saw a therapist, did EMDR, and became a frequent attendee at any trauma summit I could find.

Life coaching, mindset, trauma education, and mindfulness really helped me start to get out of my trauma narratives and have hope that I could heal neuro pathways.

The next 60% came when I realized that trauma is not mental. Even though I had new narratives, I was still constantly triggered and pulled back into trauma responses.

My body, especially my survival system, did not believe the new reframes and new pathways I was creating. The shift came when I took my first body-based trauma release class during COVID. It was somatic experiencing (SE) from Peter Levine.

During that class, I learned tools to let trauma energy cycle through and leave my body. For the first time, I had space to believe my mindset reframes, I didn’t just think them.

Through this class, I no longer hated the experience of my body and I finally believed my body was my own. This shift into embodied healing started me on a path to learn more and is what has made all the difference in releasing my body’s stored trauma.

The last 10% comes each day that I let those traumas show me what I’m still holding that is now ready to be set free. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I’d like to offer that healing is not linear. Some people start with body-based trauma releases and then move to the mindset work. Some do a little bit of both at the same time. Others need mindset, compassion, and mindfulness before they can get into their body.

Trauma is stored in the body and needs to be released from the body and that releasing doesn’t come from hating the body but rather from a turning towards the body.

Which is so hard to do when trauma is in control. And yet, getting into my body helped me to come home to the safety it always wanted to offer me but couldn’t due to the trauma it was holding.

I will share my path and invite you to see what speaks to you and then invite you to follow that and find the next thing that speaks to you.

Life coaching resonated and I was able to give myself options through mindset work and letting wisdom come from within my own mind.

One of my trauma narratives was that I was not very smart and I couldn’t think for myself but needed to instead look to outside sources to tell me what to do. Life coaching taught me how to think for myself.

Next, EMDR gave me the ability to not only learn more about the trauma narratives I was living my life from, but it also gave me a framework for getting into my body in a way to recognize and quantify on a scale of 0-10 how much I believed or didn’t believe something or how triggering something was.

Then after moving my eyes back and forth (bilateral stimulation), my body could regulate and decrease the triggers while also believing more healthy narratives. And bonus, I came up with the narratives from within me and learned my body knows how to heal me.

This is what then led me to look for more ways to let my body speak so I could understand how to release more traumas that kept resurfacing. At first, the body-based techniques seemed too woo-woo for me to explore and yet I was also drawn to them. Thankfully I could hold the conflict and let myself learn anyway.

Somatic work helped me reclaim my body and I finally believed my body was my own instead of an object for others.

Chakras, energy, and subtle body work taught me how to energetically process and move trauma through my body and let it go in a compassionate way, offering understanding for my experience. 

Polyvagal work helped me learn more about the internal landscape within my body and how the vagus nerve can help regulate my internal world, especially when I was in a trauma state. I learned how to move in and out of different trauma states safely.

When my body was a safe place and I could trust myself to listen because of all the body work I had done. Then I went into inner child work. This can be ego, shadow, or parts work.

But the one that spoke to me was inner child and I was able to learn how to let my little Cami have a voice. She never had that. I learned that I often went on autopilot doing what she wanted me to do based on narratives she’d picked up over her years of conditioning.

I noticed that her guidance often came from fear and I was reactive, unconscious, and unloving in that fear. I learned to listen to little Cami but not believe everything she said was true.

My inner child therapist helped me tap into my inner wisdom, and I learned to let her speak and offer my inner child guidance that was teaching her love as a way of goodness instead of reward. I am teaching little Cami how to act from that place instead of trauma conditioning.

This has been my journey. I invite you to find healing from trauma through body-based modalities that offer safety and teach you how to complete energy cycles. Alongside trauma education, mindset, and mindfulness, in whatever order your body, mind, and heart seek.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

We heal together what we cannot do alone. I had a hard time getting support at first. Another strong trauma survival narrative for me was that I had to do everything alone.

I couldn’t trust others because I couldn’t trust myself, so it was actually super helpful to invite others into my trauma and bask in their trust in me to teach me what I didn’t yet believe or see in myself.

My husband and my friends are the first ones I shared those first terrifying memories with. They held me, supported me, and gave me space to express through words (often rants), many tears, and a variety of emotions. All of me was seen and welcomed.

My husband, friends, coaches, and therapists became the resources my 16-year-old and younger self didn’t have. Their support was huge in me being ready to heal. 

In trauma healing, we need to surround ourselves with people who can see us, especially when we are first healing. I find it can be the most loving thing, and what can offer the most goodness, is to give ourselves a choice in who we share our journey with.

It is okay to not share or no longer see family, friends, and acquaintances who pull for us to go back into trauma coping because they are most comfortable when we act in old trauma patterns.

We build up the capacity to be able to hold on to our sense of self around those who most harmed us. It takes practice and it’s ok to choose not to practice and take a rest from the crazy.

Sometimes we need to step away to see clearly. I have family members I no longer speak to and others I have created boundaries around how I interact. It comes with a vast array of feelings to do this and it’s been a journey to let myself feel the grief and loss of these connections. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You are not alone. And you have a choice. Others have been where you are and they are no longer there. The triggers can disappear. You don’t need to stay stuck. You can heal. 

And, you matter, your healing matters, you are worth it, even if you don’t feel like any of that is true. I know I couldn’t believe I mattered when I first started this journey. The only part of that statement that would have seemed true was “even if you don’t”. 

But to know healing and believing I mattered was possible; to meet someone who could really see me; to know it was possible to find safety in my body, even if it terrified me; to be offered that I could have a choice and I’m not left by myself to figure this out would have been so empowering to know earlier.

In trauma choice is taken away, so knowing that I can create my own possibilities and that I have choice around what I create, that would have given me power I didn’t know I had and offered me hope and freedom I didn’t know I could even want.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. van der Kolk helped me understand on a basic level, how trauma was really stored in my body. It resonated on so many levels and I felt seen.
• Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro opened my mind and body up to the expansive feeling of what little bits of regulation within my nervous system could feel like. 
• Better Than Happy Podcast by Jody Moore has been my go-to life coach since even before my trauma surfaced. She gave me the tools to have a choice within my mind and gave me my first taste of what an “And this could also be true” could look like.
• The Place We Find Ourselves Podcast by Adam Young filled me with more context for why my body was responding the way it was in trauma. He helped my brain understand my body on a whole new level.
• Tara Brach’s podcast always gives me a space to get into my body and reconnect with me.
• Become Your Own Medicine YouTube channel by Irene Lyon gave me the nervous system education I needed along with many techniques and tools to apply embodiment to releasing trauma.
• Share Your Stuff, I’ll Go First by Laura Tremaine was a beautiful, fun read into ways I could share my truth and share my voice.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

As a trauma-informed embodiment coach, I guide women on their trauma-healing journeys. With a compassionate and holistic approach, I empower clients to reconnect with their bodies, release themselves from trauma’s grip, and cultivate resilience.

Drawing upon my own experiences, I offer 1:1 sessions, workshops, and practices that promote self-awareness, healing, and transformation. You can sign up for free weekly tips via my newsletter page.

You can learn more about me via my website, Instagram, Facebook LinkedIn, and on my podcast.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Somatic Healing Helped Me Navigate CPTSD to Find True Happiness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi there! I’m Stephanie, a photographer based in a small town in Wisconsin. I’ve been running my own photography business for 10 years now, and my number one passion is capturing life’s moments through my lens.

I also love reading and learning new things, and I consider myself a happy person. For me, happiness is a choice, and I’ve worked hard to overcome my inner critic that tells me I’m not good enough.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful person. He is also a photographer, so we have lots of fun together. I live with my son and our cat Leo. 

I love books and learning new things. One of my favorite topics to read about is mindset training. Being in charge of my thoughts- versus, letting them consume me. 

Being in charge of my thoughts means that I have more control over my life- and that means that I get to decide if I want to be happy or not.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was diagnosed with PTSD around the age of 40, but I had been struggling for much longer. I was aware of my symptoms, but I didn’t know the extent of my trauma until a friend told me about Brainspotting. I found a therapist who specialized in Brainspotting, and we began working together.

The first step in Brainspotting is to assess the client’s symptoms and identify any underlying trauma. My PTSD stemmed from the trauma I endured when I became pregnant with twins at 16.

They were born prematurely and both struggled with ongoing health problems. One of them developed cerebral palsy, and the other struggled with ADD and a nonverbal learning disorder.

At 16, I was ill-equipped to handle a pregnancy, let alone a traumatic delivery, and having twins in the NICU for three months. While the focus was on the babies, as it should be, I was struggling with the shock of an unwanted pregnancy and the premature birth of my children. The stress, fatigue, loneliness, and isolation took their toll on me. I had no outlet, no community, and no support.

I lived with this trauma for many years, and it held me back in many ways. I couldn’t develop deep relationships with other people because I couldn’t develop one with myself. PTSD impacted my entire life.

Now, looking back at the trauma and fear I experienced starting at the age of 16, my heart hurts for that girl. She was literally living with the trauma of the preterm labor, the medical issues, the family issues, and everything else. There was no way even an adult could handle that on their own. It affected my entire life.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I never understood why I couldn’t just be happy. I would beat myself up over it, wondering why I couldn’t be content with my beautiful home and fulfilling life. But my PTSD and trauma had a profound impact on my happiness and the happiness of my family.

I tried to hide my anxiety and fears from everyone, but they often left me feeling depressed, tired, and isolated. I was always trying to be better than the person I thought I was.

My trauma was buried so deep that it had become a part of my identity. I really thought I was a bad person and that I was unworthy of happiness. I didn’t realize that there was a different way to think or live.

All the things that should have made me feel better – a gym membership, hiking in nature – made me feel worse. I felt numb and empty, and I was angry at myself for not being able to enjoy them. Trauma and my inner critic ruled my life.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

In March 2022, I decided to take a month in Santa Barbara to figure out my life. Being in a new town gave me the space to see who I really was and what I wanted.

I went to Zumba, joined a meditation group, and went for walks on the beach. I finally felt safe, and I began to heal the fear and trauma I had accumulated over the years.

During that month, I realized that I needed to get divorced and move into my own space. It was a difficult decision, but it was the right one for me. I was finally ready to be myself and to live the life I wanted.

After I left my marriage, my life began to change rapidly. I started to understand the books I had read about mindset, joy, and gratitude. I realized that I was in control of my thoughts and feelings and that I could choose to focus on the things that brought me joy.

I now feel free to express myself, and I am using my voice to help others feel good about themselves, to make a difference, and to make choices for themselves.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Being a teen mom was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I felt insecure, alone, unworthy, and ashamed. It breaks my heart to write this because I can still feel all of those emotions.

If you’re struggling with these feelings, for any reason, I want you to know that I love you. I don’t know you, but I know your struggles, your heart, and the strong love you give out. You just haven’t found a safe place to receive that love back yet. But I love you.

I know the courage it takes to just be here, to show up every day. I know how hard it is just to be you. And even if you think your strength is gone and you want to give up, you have to keep going.

There are good people in the world who really do just want you to be happy. You have to use your strength to find those people. But first, you have to find a safe place to be yourself.

All the therapists, walks, hikes, and motivational books in the world won’t help you until you’re in a safe place to receive the love and kindness you deserve.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

A single piece of advice I would give is that don’t worry about what other people think. You have to do you. Until they have walked a mile in your shoes- they cannot give you advice or judge you. The second thing, learn meditation. It’s a literal lifesaver.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.
• The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
• Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, also love Eat, Pray, Love!
• Meditations with Sara Mclean (Youtube). 
• Sue Bryce Podcast– here’s my favorite.
• Prince Charming Isn’t Coming By Barabara Stanny.
• Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me here, or on Instagram, LinkedIn and Facebook.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

I would love to talk about my morning routine for happiness and abundance! It is a huge part of who I am and why I am able to choose happiness.

Every morning, I stay off social media and write out my day hour by hour on paper. This helps me silence my overactive, judgy, and critical mind later in the day when it’s at its loudest. After taking my son to school, I walk my dog and then meditate for 10-15 minutes, usually with a guided meditation on YouTube or with relaxing music.

I schedule time into my day for walks with my dog, coffee with a friend, or an afternoon hike. And every day, I try to do at least one thing that will make me happy. I literally ask myself, “What could I do today that makes me happy?” And I do it!

I had a marketing coach who would always say, “What makes you happy? What makes you joyful?” I really appreciated that question because if you’re not happy, you’re not going to attract clients!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Therapy and Meditation Helped Me Navigate Birth Trauma as a Teen Mom appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, I’m Justyna, and I currently live in the heart of London with my wonderful boyfriend.

For the past few years, I’ve been working in a Business Support role at a prestigious London University. Recently, I’ve also started my own coaching business, dedicated to helping women find fulfillment in their careers and family lives.

When I’m not spending time with loved ones or hitting the gym, you’ll usually find me diving into the world of research, particularly related to mental and physical health and a sense of purpose. Learning something new every day is my biggest passion.

As for happiness, I’ve never felt more content. To me, it’s all about the journey of aligning my actions with my values and desires. I’m finally being true to myself, and that’s what makes me genuinely happy.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My mental health journey has been an intricate odyssey that began in my teenage years. It all started when I transitioned to junior high school and stopped dancing ballet, which had been a significant part of my life.

Dancing ballet and performing on stage made me feel unique, important, and confident among my peers. However, leaving that behind left me feeling like I didn’t quite fit in with “normal” teenagers. 

During this challenging period, my best friend was my rock. We shared everything deeply, and their support helped me navigate these life-changing moments. However, as high school progressed, my best friends distanced themselves from me, seeking new friendships.

I felt I had become too dependent on them, and their decision to end our friendship during my final year of high school was devastating. I found myself without friends and support during a crucial time when I was preparing for exams that would determine my future.

Determined to escape my sad reality, I carried on with a plan my best friend and I had made earlier to study abroad in the UK. I couldn’t envision my life in Poland, as it seemed like everything had come to an end there. After high school graduation, I packed my bags and headed to England to work and eventually start university.

Although I didn’t get into the degree I had initially hoped for, I chose to study maths, which had been a source of comfort during my challenging teenage years.

My journey in England was marked by new experiences, meeting amazing people, and starting university. But it also came with its own set of difficulties. Studying math in a foreign language was tough, and I struggled to make friends as many people already had established connections.

I felt excluded and lonely once again, leading me to isolate myself and distance myself from family and friends. I became a people-pleaser with the friends I did have contact with, pretending everything was fine and prioritizing their needs over my own well-being.

Eventually, I failed my first year of university, and later my grandmother’s passing added to the emotional turmoil. I decided to move to London where I pursued psychology with cognitive neuroscience.

While my academic life improved, I faced challenges at work. I became emotionally involved in a restaurant job, taking on more responsibilities without adequate support. The manager’s behavior towards me was inappropriate, I experienced sexual verbal abuse and I ultimately left the job.

Then the pandemic hit, and I struggled to find employment, leading me to move to South London for an underpaid job. I felt like an outsider among coworkers of the same nationality who imposed their rules on me. Despite a seemingly friendly general manager, there were mixed signals and uncomfortable situations. I decided to quit once more, feeling voiceless.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

During my teenage years, I became increasingly introverted and shy, feeling like I didn’t quite fit in. Stopping ballet, something that had made me feel special, was a major turning point. I went from being a class leader to just another face in the crowd.

I embarked on a journey to rediscover myself and find where I truly belonged. I became very private about my feelings and distanced myself from family and friends.

Leaving my home country and studying abroad presented its own set of challenges. I experienced months of intense loneliness, barely leaving my student hall. I slept during the day, avoiding people for weeks. I felt emotionally numb, happy for others’ successes but powerless in my own life.

Living conditions in my accommodation, including a lack of heating and bedbugs, only made things worse. I couldn’t envision a future, thinking that maybe not everyone could be happy, and perhaps I was meant to sacrifice for others, not find happiness myself.

When I failed at university, my parents urged me to make a quick decision about my future, not wanting me to take a gap year. Surprisingly, this pressure forced me out of my depressive state and compelled me to act. I secured a spot at a university in London, a city that felt incredibly daunting and vast at the time. Despite my reservations, I decided to embrace this opportunity and planned to relocate as soon as possible.

In the early years of my London journey, I grappled with loneliness. I pushed myself to socialize with co-workers and went on numerous dates, but despite my efforts, I struggled to form genuine connections with anyone.

During this time, I changed jobs frequently, holding nine different positions over five years. Unfortunately, I found myself consistently unhappy in these roles.

I either overworked myself or felt disrespected due to my gender or nationality, which severely impacted my self-esteem and my belief that things could ever improve.

It was baffling to me that, despite my knowledge and skills, I often felt like my management and friends treated me as if I were expendable, rather than appreciating my contributions. This constant treatment left me feeling exhausted, powerless, and as if I were worth no more than a bag of garbage.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After completing my bachelor’s degree, I decided to pursue a master’s in occupational psychology, driven by my desire to understand how organizations could treat employees without respect and still expect exceptional performance. Concurrently, I secured a position in higher education where, for the first time, I felt valued as a human being. 

Life finally seemed to be on an upswing until the unexpected passing of my father while I was deeply engrossed in writing my dissertation. It was a shattering blow at a time when I had begun to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Despite this heartbreaking setback, one of the reasons I pressed on was to ultimately achieve distinction in my dissertation, as I didn’t want to burden my mom with any additional stress.

My grief became a catalyst for change, prompting me to embark on a profound journey of self-discovery. It was during this period that I unearthed my core values and redefined how I wanted to lead my life. I began contemplating the future, cultivating deeper connections, and learning to appreciate the people around me.

These changes allowed me to grow closer to my family and develop a healthier, more meaningful relationship with my boyfriend. Together, we began to envision a shared future and charted the path toward it, aligning our goals and aspirations.

I would say it took me around 5 years of constant battle until my dad’s passing away was the moment when the world stopped for me, but it didn’t stop for others. So, I had to learn how to start living my new life, and I am still learning.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

When my world came to a halt, I found myself in survival mode. Even though I didn’t want to, I knew I had to take steps to benefit my body and mind.

So, I started attending gym classes to tend to my physical health, aiming to strengthen my mental resilience and surround myself with individuals on similar journeys towards positive change.

It was at the gym that I crossed paths with a few remarkable women who became my gym buddies, holding me accountable for our shared commitment to attending classes regularly.

Simultaneously, I began reestablishing connections with my family, making it a point to communicate with them on a weekly basis. I also started prioritizing quality time with my boyfriend and friends.

My travels to visit family in Poland increased significantly during the year my dad passed away. I found myself flying back around five times, often for birthdays and special occasions, which was considerably more frequent than in previous years combined.

During this time, journaling became a vital outlet. I began writing letters to myself, documenting how I felt each day and expressing my hopes for brighter days ahead. It was a roller coaster of emotions.

I diligently worked on maintaining a healthy routine, focusing on regular exercise, adequate sleep, nourishing meals, and no alcohol, all while engaging with positive, supportive individuals. However, there were still moments of struggle.

After several months, when I began to sense a gradual return of control over my life and felt that I was navigating my grief a bit more effectively, I decided to seize an opportunity and explore life coaching. This experience played a pivotal role in helping me recognize and celebrate my achievements.

It allowed me to start feeling genuinely proud of myself and gradually boosted my self-esteem and confidence. Through this transformative process, I discovered the powerful, resilient woman I had always been but had struggled to unleash.

I’m now much more conscious of what I’ve overcome, the milestones I’ve achieved, and my unwavering potential to create the life I’ve always envisioned.

In the process, I made the tough decision to distance myself from certain friends. I realized I was putting in more effort than I received, and it became frustrating when my efforts weren’t fully appreciated.

I didn’t feel the support I needed, so I reevaluated my friendships, choosing to invest my energy only in those who reciprocated and valued our connection. This period was intense, spanning several months to a year, and I acknowledge that I’m still a work in progress.

What truly aided my healing journey was persistently taking care of my mental and physical health, even when all I wanted was to do nothing and indulge in sugary treats.

I kept pushing forward, and my healthier body became a cornerstone for nurturing a healthier mind. Furthermore, having people I could trust and be completely authentic with significantly expedited my healing process.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Opening up about my struggles became a pivotal moment in my healing journey, and it only happened after my dad passed away. At that point, I felt compelled to share my thoughts and emotions with my boyfriend and my closest friends, individuals who had undergone similar experiences.

I initiated these conversations because I wanted them to understand the emotional turbulence I was going through. I needed them to know that if I inadvertently hurt them, it was never my intention.

However, when it came to strangers or friends who had a habit of monopolizing conversations and not truly listening, I wasn’t comfortable discussing my struggles with them.

Additionally, I wanted to shield my mom from the initial wave of grief as things were still incredibly fresh and raw. It felt easier to confide in individuals I trusted implicitly, those who genuinely cared about my well-being and were willing to create a space where I could talk without the pressure of being cheered up.

As time passed, sharing my mental health struggles became more natural, especially with my family. I grew more mature and processed a substantial amount of emotions.

Nowadays, I engage in deep conversations with my sisters, working through various topics together. This level of openness and support has become possible because we’ve collectively put in the effort to address our past experiences, helping us connect on a profound level.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You have more power over your life than you are giving yourself credit for.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Personal Life Coaching enabled me to recognize my value, my achievements, and my boundless inner strength.
• Podcast: Diary of CEO provided me with valuable insights and strategies for optimizing both my mental and physical well-being
• The book Unfuck Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life by Gary John Bishop made me recognize the self-imposed limitations I’ve placed on myself, realizing that I am the sole obstacle preventing me from attaining the things I truly desire
• The book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver made me understand that miscommunication within relationships is often a complex interplay of various factors, not simply a matter of blaming others or myself.
  It’s about how we perceive conflicts, appreciate differing perspectives, and consider multiple contributing elements. As a result, I no longer take things as personally as before. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of people’s underlying intentions, and I’m less quick to become easily disheartened.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I am very active on my TikTok account and Youtube channel where I share some tips and tricks to improve everyone’s daily life. You can also find me on Linkedin or read more on my website.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

In today’s world, I actively promote open dialogue about challenges, with a strong desire to ensure that everyone feels heard and truly understood. It’s become evident that genuine conversation has become a rarity, where few truly listen or deeply care about your thoughts and emotions.

This unfortunate reality often leads people to believe they must turn to therapists to process their feelings. It’s disheartening because there’s another way.

My personal journey of self-discovery illuminated the profound importance of active listening. I learned that contributing isn’t always necessary; sometimes, all that’s needed is a compassionate ear.

This realization is one of the driving forces behind my decision to start my own business, where I assist women in clarifying their aspirations, affirming that their dreams are attainable, and guiding them on the path to achieving those dreams—all while safeguarding their mental well-being. I firmly believe that you can achieve everything you desire, but it requires a focused approach, tackling one aspect at a time

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Journey From Moving Abroad and Loneliness to Finding Happiness in Myself appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I am Rita Vilhena due to my photography, also known as Rita Isabel due to my art. I was born and raised in Portugal and currently reside in Portugal.

I am an independent worker (that is what we call here for jobs like Photographer), since I am a professional Photographer, Digital Artist, and Painter. 

I haven’t been in a relationship officially since 6 years ago, due to the last relationship being very toxic and traumatic. I have 9 cats, I love animals! My passion is art and photography and thankfully I do what I love, so, most days it doesn’t feel like “work” even though it is. 

I consider happiness to be a moment that comes and goes, just like sadness, life has taught me that, however, I do consider myself happier than I ever was.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

The official name of what I struggle against is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

The symptoms I experienced majorly and still do at times are:

• Fear of abandonment.
• Impulsive behavior (doing drugs, mainly weed to nullify my emotional pain which I know is wrong, unsafe sex, binge eating).
• Self-sabotage (mainly love relationships).
• Problems with my self-image (such as weight and beauty standards).
• Chronic mood swings (going from feeling good to feeling extremely sad).
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Paranoid thoughts (like people harming me).
• Feeling detached, extreme anxiety (to the point I’d vomit food and even with empty stomach, shaking due to anxiety, mainly hands).
• Self-harm (I’d do small cuts on my wrists to relieve the emotional pain because it was too strong, however, I was able to never do it again and manage it).

And I’ve made two suicide attempts with pills, however, I have been able to manage this due to having psychotherapy with a psychologist who understands more about BPD and being on the right medicine (for my body)

The medicine that works out for me may not work out for someone else as medicine might change from person to person, not every “cocktail” of pills might work for the same person, because we are all different, all unique in our own way, from our brain to our feet. 

Please also understand, that psychotherapy is essential, taking pills is just like a crutch they aren’t the cure or the solution, they help you a little, and they give you a push simply, what will really and truly help you is psychotherapy, and you will want to quit it once it is working, now you will ask me, how will I know when it works? When you want to not go to the therapy sessions, that means it is working!

Because when you want to give up the therapy and quit it, IT IS, when it is working, it is when you feel the most pain, the most profound sadness and you make all sorts of excuses to not go, please, when that happens, force yourself to go, even if you have anxiety at that moment and so forth, face your fear and do go and tell your therapist exactly why you didn’t want to go and so on, your therapist will be there for you and will know how to handle it

He is the healthcare professional that truly wants to help you to overcome your past and current traumas and wants you to be able to manage your full day, as in, get out of bed, do daily tasks (like washing dishes, showering, making yourself pretty FOR YOURSELF!), he will help you see, even if it’s not totally “direct” because you have to do the work yourself but you need to be willing to do the work. 

And always remember this: If a doctor tells you, you do not have a cure, I know this is like, if someone is giving a death sentence because that happened to me, quit that doctor, there is a cure, even if not “total” but you will be able to manage your everyday life and have less and less of these symptoms

And you have to get to know yourself very well, no matter what others tell you about you, you are the one who knows yourself better than anyone! Also learn to know what triggers you, to know what is a toxic environment, and toxic people, and to know what is truly healthy for you. 

For someone who identifies with BPD and is struggling with such, this was the website that made me certain of having BPD, although I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist of having it. 

I think it started during my young adult years with BPD (however with MDD it started when I was 13 years old) but it aggravated severely because I was in a 6-year toxic and verbally abusive relationship. I often say I was a victim of psychological domestic violence because to me and from experts I’ve heard, that is what actually happened.

Although my family life was toxic, I never felt loved at home, especially by my parents. Even though I knew my parents loved me, they would be cold (as in, not giving hugs, kisses or saying that loved us) and so I wasn’t able to feel it. Sadly, there was a lot of psychological abuse in front of us.

Being a lonely child, isolated, and talented since a very small age, when I entered first grade, I was bullied by my schoolmates due to drawing well, I’d always be alone. For most of my pre-teen years and growing to teen years I suffered bullying at school and sexual harassment.

I also believe that made me feel like an object, objectified especially by men, rejected by women because I’d stand out among the rest of the women and they hated that and I’d search for love in the wrong places because the root of the trauma was in my childhood. 

This still impacts me to this day, as I am still a work in progress and I believe I will always be, we as humans have to refine ourselves, acquiring knowledge makes us evolve as human beings, if we don’t acquire knowledge we get stuck.

Knowledge is never enough, we are always students even if we can become masters but even masters keep learning. I do a lot of self-development and avoid at all costs reading negative quotes, posts, news outlets, etc. because I am hyper-empathetic.

I naturally feel for others and I also have to protect myself from that, because all my love relationships and even most friendships were extremely toxic and some were even abusive, being an empath we easily fall prey to people like narcissists and other types of personality disorders such as the dark triad.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For many years, I was never able to be happy at all, even for small moments, it was a constant struggle and I’d never understand why I was not “normal” and wouldn’t “fit in” like everyone else. 

It wasn’t clear to the people around me that I was having a severe struggle inside me because I’d hidden it well, coming from a Christian family, sadly I lived inside a bubble made by my parents.

I would also hide it because when I’d try to reach out to people they would invalidate my feelings with such phrases as “there are people that have it worse”, “you are over-sensitive”, “you are too emotional”, there’s more phrases of this type that totally invalidate someone who is struggling in serious mental health issue.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

This isn’t a happy story. However I started to feel a little bit of change when I finally moved out of my parents to Germany into that abusive 6-year relationship (I lived in Germany for 4 years), I was finally able to be myself, around my parents and everyone I knew from church circle, I’d have to pretend to be someone else and never myself, my authentic self. 

Quantifying it, it was a result of my actions, because if I didn’t apply to Erasmus it would have never happened so I’d say 100%. But it was an escape from my parents and the toxic environment.

It still took me years of struggle to find a way around it, because since I was raised inside a bubble, my parents didn’t teach me or provide me the basic life tools I needed to be “out there”. I had to learn everything on my own and became a strong warrior. I’d still rely at that time too much on what others would say and would think of me. 

When I returned to Portugal, I went through 3 different psychiatrists until I found the proper one for the proper “cocktail” of pills. I knew I wasn’t still 100% but at this time, I was already doing psychotherapy, my mother had passed away (she was my best friend and confidant) and I started doing a lot of self-development.

Slowly I started to realize, I was following for example too many negative instagram accounts, with depressive mindsets and I told myself, life can’t be only about negativity, it’s impossible, so I cut off everything negative/toxic and started following everything positive that would make me acquire knowledge and make me grow as a human being, I found Jordan B. Peterson and that helped me a lot, like, a lot. (this is an example) 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

What really helped me was psychotherapy, self-development and I had to cut off a lot of people that were toxic to me, including relationships, friendships, and even family. I know it isn’t easy, it is very difficult, but I had to learn to love myself first and put others after. 

People might say I am selfish but no, that isn’t being selfish, that is having compassion, comprehension, and empathy for yourself. 

If someone is abusing you, gaslighting you, manipulating you, or taking advantage of you, you should instantly cut them off everywhere, including social networks, real life, everything. Even if you have to change your phone number (I had to do this because of a female ex-friend and even after I receive anonymous text messages trying to taunt me). 

Do not *ever* allow other human beings to abuse you in any way. 

I recommend a lot Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, because last year I had a music trigger, I was able to solve it by myself due to Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s posts and videos on YouTube.

Every time I’d go to a supermarket or convenience store (the song was super popular) it would play randomly and I’d have panic attacks and I’d have to pretend to be okay and I’d start sweating and all I wanted to do was run and shout, sadly even my psychologist wasn’t able to help me with that but thankfully because I always do a lot of research, the posts and videos of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson helped me on solving my trigger. 

Related to triggers, if you know you going to trigger for example listening to a song, a movie, etc., fight your demons, slay the dragon in the cave! (like Jordan B. Peterson says) This will make you stronger in many ways.

Do not avoid your triggers, avoiding will increase them each time, find a way to get past them, this includes fears, always think you are strong, a warrior, and after all, you are! You are battling a heavy fight, even though we get down on the ground, we were taught to get up and keep going, do not EVER give up on yourself. You are precious. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I felt mainly comfortable talking about my struggles to my psychologists and very very few friends… Most people like I stated before, invalidate you right away because they lack emotional intelligence and empathy. They aren’t able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. 

I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my struggles or my siblings because they never seemed like people who would understand at all what I was struggling with. However, they’d notice something was wrong, especially my mother. I always felt like there was a wall between us, due to my parents being conservative and at the same time open-minded. I’d keep it all to myself mainly.

Nowadays I don’t find it so hard to talk openly about my mental health struggle with someone but a lot of times I try not to do it, because I don’t want to give negative vibes, but also because in my country it’s considered still a taboo.

However in my opinion, if you want to know if someone is your real friend or not, tell them, wait for their action, if they disappear from your life, then you know these people never were real and never were true and authentic and you are better off without them! It’s a pretty good test. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I have a few pieces of advice I want to give:

Know yourself better, I did way later in life a personality type test which is known as the Mayer-Briggs personality test, which was based on Carl Jung’s studies of personality types.

I am actually an INFJ, one of the world’s rarer personality type, I sought answers nonstop for not ‘fitting in’ in the crowd and society and I always blamed myself for it, thinking it was my fault, once I did that, I finally understood A LOT, that happened in my life and why I was very rejected too because I was never afraid of speaking out. 

16 Personalities – Based on the Mayer-Briggs personality test, I find this the most accurate website, but you have to be very truthful, honest and do it with proper time.

Do not listen to people who have achieved nothing in life, especially if you are an overachiever and ambitious person, if you have a dream, run after your dream, God has plans for you and he gifted each one of us with something.

My gift was in the arts and since I was 14 years old (even though I started drawing when I was 2 years old) I’ve been after that dream, even if my own family has tried to “cut off” my legs (due to worrying because art life isn’t very profitable). Fight for your dream, when things are being the hardest and you’re ready to quit, that is when you shouldn’t quit because big things are coming.

Get away from people who trash-talk other people, these people are toxic, there is a saying in my country that is like this: “If someone is at a table trash-talking someone who isn’t there, once you get up and leave, the next topic of conversation will be you.”

There are always old sayings that have a truth in them and do make sense. 

Do not believe when society claims that because you love yourself and put yourself first that means you are selfish, this isn’t true! Being selfish means someone who never helps anyone, only looks to their own belly button, and has no empathy for anyone. 

Thank God or whatever you believe, each day you wake up just for being alive and having a roof over your head, food, and so forth, simply be thankful, it will increase your mood and you will learn the meaning of the simple things in life. 

Take walks in nature, even if alone or with your pet or with a friend or boyfriend/husband/companion, for a minimum of 30 minutes. 

Last advice, read this article to know that having BPD isn’t the end of the world, so you feel relieved.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

My recommendations for readings, podcasts, and YouTube learning videos are:

• Jordan B. Peterson, Rodrigo Silva, Augusto Cury, Dr. Ramani, Joseph Campbell.
• I listen to and have one book from Jordan B. Peterson (12 Rules for Life: Antidote to Chaos) and I love watching and rewatching his speeches where he deciphers the bible with psychology. 
• Pastor Rodrigo Silva sermons and when he goes to podcasts like PrimoCast, he explains in detail the bible verses and stories, he’s also an archeologist and he speaks of psychology too.  
• Augusto Cury’s books are excellent to help with self-love, he’s a renowned psychiatrist and if I’m correct, he also works in the field of neuroscience. 
• Doctor Ramani on YouTube related to Narcissism, this helped me a lot because I come from a family that has one or more narcissists, my current, and other kin. It’s a generational problem and it keeps passing on from one generation to another and I’ve been the main one trying to break the pattern. If there isn’t one that breaks the pattern, the pattern keeps on going for generations, this is why, nowadays there is so much crime. 
• Rhonda Byrnes, her book named HERO, which is inspired by Joseph Campbell’s The Path of the Hero. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on the following websites:

• www.ritaisabel.com – my art website that’s currently in English.
• www.vilhenarita.com – currently in Portuguese.

You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram @ritaisabelart, @ritavilhenaphotography, and TikTok @ritavilhenaphotography.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Learned to Manage Depression and BPD Through Art and Self-Development appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Aloha! I’m Mona Kirstein, Ph.D, and I wear many hats in my life—serial entrepreneur, holistic coach & consultant, and advocate for conscious living. I live on the beautiful island of Oahu in Hawaii, where the natural surroundings serve as a constant source of inspiration for me. 

I share my life with my loving husband, and together we find peace and purpose in the simple joys of this journey called life. I’m passionate about nature, engaging in deep soulful conversations, traveling to new places, and the never-ending journey of learning. 

Currently, in my early forties, I find myself in a phase of life where I am genuinely happier than I’ve ever been. Years of self-work and embracing my true self have led me to a space where I feel not just comfortable but proud of the life I’ve created.

Empowered by my own transformative journey, I’ve dedicated my life to guiding ambitious women toward embracing and expressing their authentic selves—a gift I believe is the most precious offering we can make to ourselves and the world.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Life hasn’t always been this fulfilling. For decades, I lived under the shadow of Narcissistic Parental Abuse, a struggle that profoundly affected my emotional well-being. The symptoms were subtle but deeply damaging: emotional manipulation, lack of genuine affection, and constant undermining of my self-worth. 

He would dismiss my emotions, like calling me “too dramatic” or “oversensitive” if I cried. 

When I made a wrong facial expression, he’d accuse me of disrespecting him and take away privileges. He constantly twisted reality and made up stories about things I’d supposedly done wrong, grounding me for infractions that never happened. 

He crafted fictitious stories about my behavior to justify punishing me for things I never did. If I objected, it confirmed to him I was lying and disrespectful. He wove complex false narratives that made me constantly defend myself against things I never did.

I started distrusting my own memory and perception.

Even later in life, I’d share successes and he’d react with envy and disdain. Imagine telling your dad you’ve been offered a spot in a Ph.D. program, and he says, “That’s just a sign you’re too lazy to get a real job.” Yeah, that happened. 

This struggle wasn’t confined to my childhood; it persisted well into my adult life, affecting my relationships, my career, and my sense of self. 

It wasn’t a phase or a temporary challenge; it was a relentless companion that cast a shadow over multiple aspects of my life.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my lowest, the struggle with the internalized voice of narcissistic abuse felt like an insidious cloud that hung over every aspect of my life. I was carrying an invisible weight that made even the simplest tasks feel like climbing a mountain. 

Instead of specific moments standing out, it was more like a constant undercurrent of feeling rejected, worthless, and too flawed to be around others. 

This struggle severely impacted my happiness, creating a barrier that prevented me from fully enjoying my successes and relationships. I got really good at putting on a brave face, but inside, I was a mess.

The hidden struggle of codependency

I struggled with codependency for years without realizing it. I had this deep inner belief that I was unlovable unless I pleased others and earned their approval. This led me to make poor choices—ignoring red flags, minimizing abuse, and clinging to harmful people.

I remember moments of feeling completely hopeless like I had no identity outside of my dysfunctional relationships. At my lowest, I numbed feelings with unhealthy habits. With support and inner work, I’ve realized my worth comes from within. Now I know approving of myself is what matters most.

Behind the mask of success

Externally, I was achieving milestones in my career and personal life, but internally, I was in turmoil. I became adept at hiding this struggle, wearing a mask of composure and success. To the outside world, it seemed like I had it all together, but inside, I was fighting a battle that very few knew about. This duality made the struggle even more isolating.

Truth silenced, reality distorted

One of the most insidious aspects of narcissistic abuse is the suppression of truth. Narcissists often create a distorted reality to maintain their sense of control and superiority. 

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I have an innate ability to perceive and question things. This often put me at odds with my narcissistic father, who would go to great lengths to silence my truths because they threatened his constructed reality. This dynamic not only made me question my own perceptions but also instilled a deep-rooted fear of speaking my truth.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After years of feeling weighed down by an invisible burden and struggling with codependency, the turning point in my journey came when I began to consciously challenge the internalized voice that had been undermining me for so long. 

I started working with professionals who helped me identify and reshape these negative thought patterns. The moment I remember feeling a change for the better was when I could look at my accomplishments and genuinely feel pride, rather than dismissing them as flukes or attributing them to external factors.

Conscious choices, lasting change

When it comes to the change in my life, it’s all on me—100%. I didn’t just luck into a supportive environment or find the right therapist by chance; I made those things happen for myself. Every healthy habit I started, every professional I worked with, every support network I built, and every moment I spent reflecting were all intentional choices. 

Journey to empowerment

This journey took years, maybe even decades, but each step I took was a conscious effort to heal and improve myself. And let me tell you, the sense of empowerment that comes from knowing you’ve turned your own life around? That’s incredibly rewarding and feels pretty amazing.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The final turning point for me was finally putting a name to what I had been experiencing: narcissistic abuse. Understanding this was like flipping a switch. I worked with a psychospiritual therapist who specialized in this area.

She helped me identify the internalized voices that were holding me back. For instance, we did exercises where I journaled conversations between my “inner critic” and my “inner advocate,” which was eye-opening.

Journaling as a mirror to the soul

One strategy that helped me immensely was journaling to identify my inner critic voices. I would write out conversations between my “inner critic” and my “inner wise mind”, paying attention to repetitive phrases like “you’re too sensitive” or “you don’t deserve success”. I then learned to cultivate my inner wise mind to reframe those criticisms.

For example, when the voice said “You’re too sensitive,” my wise mind would respond “I have the gift of perceptiveness.” Reframing these inner narratives was so empowering. I also found spiritual practices like mindfulness, meditation, and yoga invaluable. The combination of inner work and outer practices allowed me to get centered and tap into my inner wisdom.

Trusting your inner compass

Another huge step was embracing my intuition and inner wisdom. I explored various healing modalities and spiritual practices. These choices were guided by my inner voice, which I learned to trust more and more. This approach helped me understand my triggers and how my nervous system responds, giving me tools to cope better.

The healing power of acknowledgment

I think giving a voice to all the internalized voices, even the ones that seemed “bad,” was transformative. We can only heal what we bring to the surface. I started actively listening to these voices, understanding their origins, and working on reframing them. This was a big part of my therapy sessions and healing journey, and it’s something I’d highly recommend to anyone going through a similar struggle.

Breaking free from suppressed truths

Another transformative realization was understanding the power dynamics at play, especially the suppression of truth inherent in narcissistic abuse. I saw this pattern not just in my family but in other relationships and even in broader societal contexts. 

The tendency to attack the messenger instead of facing uncomfortable truths is something I’ve had to navigate carefully. Through my healing journey, I’ve learned to detach from the reactions of others and live in integrity with my own truth. This has been both liberating and empowering, allowing me to speak out without the crippling fear of rejection or ridicule.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Sharing my struggles has been a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, I’ve always been open about what I’m going through, but the feedback hasn’t always been constructive. In unhealthy relationships, the advice I received was often misguided and even harmful. 

Phrases like “just have compassion for him,” or “love is the answer,” sound good on the surface, but they can be incredibly damaging when dealing with narcissistic abuse. I remember listening to a podcast “It’s Me, Dr. Z.”, where she shared a story that really resonated with me. People would say, “But it’s your father, and he’s old now,” and she’d reply, “But it was me, and I was 5!” That hit home for me and reinforced the idea that stepping away can sometimes be the most healing action to take.

Letting go for a healthier tomorrow

There were also people in my life who felt threatened by my growth. As I started to get stronger, it seemed to challenge the illusions they had built up for themselves. Realizing this was both painful and liberating. I had to make the difficult decision to let go of certain friendships, but doing so opened up space for healthier, more genuine connections.

Opening up about mental health struggles is never easy, especially when the people you expect to be your support system turn out to be part of the problem. But the journey, as tough as it has been, has also been empowering. It’s helped me sift through my relationships and keep only those that are truly beneficial for my well-being.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

If I could offer a single piece of advice to someone else facing similar struggles, it would be this: Own your truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Your journey to healing is about you, not them. Don’t dim your light for anyone. Trust yourself and your intuition, and don’t hesitate to seek specialized help.

I wish I had known earlier the importance of putting a name to my struggle and seeking help from professionals who specialize in this area. Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and how it affected me was like turning on a light in a dark room. It gave me the clarity I needed to start the healing process.

Another thing I wish I had known is that it’s okay to step away from relationships that are harmful, even if society or well-meaning individuals tell you otherwise. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to create distance and establish boundaries.

It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of self-respect and self-love. And remember, you’re not alone. There are communities and professionals out there who understand what you’re going through and can offer invaluable support.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Over the years, I’ve dived into lots of books and talked with experts to better understand the connection between body, mind, and soul. This approach has been a big part of my healing journey.

While it’s hard to pick just one book that changed everything for me, some have really stood out. One of those is ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel van der Kolk. This book led me to explore body-based therapies and underlined what I already knew: healing has to be viewed holistically.

In addition to that, I’ve been deeply influenced by exploring the concept of the Higher Self and our spiritual connection to the universe. These works have opened me up to trusting my intuition and inner wisdom, which has been a cornerstone in my healing journey.

One of the most impactful resources has been my work with Julie Clark, a psycho-spiritual coach. Her approach combines psychology and spirituality, and she specializes in narcissistic abuse.

Working with her has been like finding a guide who speaks my language, helping me navigate the complexities of my struggle, and offering invaluable insights and tools for healing.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

If you’re interested in diving deeper into my philosophy and approach to holistic well-being, I invite you to visit my website, The Wholehearted Path.

There you’ll find a range of resources, from personalized holistic coaching and consulting services to articles on conscious living, emotional well-being, and entrepreneurship.

I also offer expert guidance in various essential aspects of life, such as healthy lifestyle choices, relationships and communication, mindset development, and spiritual growth.

You can also find me on Facebook and Pinterest.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

One question that could add depth to this interview is about the role of spirituality in mental health and well-being. I believe that our struggles are not just psychological but also spiritual in nature.

For me, embracing spirituality was a significant part of my healing journey. It helped me understand the interconnectedness of mind, body, and soul, and how each aspect contributes to our overall well-being.

I also want to point out the importance of finding the right kind of help. Not all therapists or coaches are equipped to deal with specific issues like narcissistic abuse. It’s crucial to find someone who specializes in your area of struggle, as this can make a significant difference in the speed and quality of your recovery.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

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Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Realized That I Experienced Narcissistic Abuse and My Journey of Healing appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I live in Delhi. I work in the nonprofit sector and as a Disability Inclusion. I am single. I have plants to take care of. I am into reading and writing poetries and journaling.

And if you’re wondering: Yes, I am happy.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

Growing up in the slums of Delhi, India, my struggles began with poverty, domestic violence, and multiple non-apparent disabilities. This mixture exposed me to discrimination and ableism from an early age. 

As I ventured into education, I had to navigate an inaccessible society, facing constant bullying and prejudice. My struggle intensified over time, affecting almost every aspect of my life, from personal relationships to career aspirations. The weight of societal biases and misconceptions surrounding disability became an everyday burden, shaping my view of the world.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The cumulative impact of discrimination, poverty, and ableism was often unbearable. Feelings of isolation, despair, and loneliness plagued me, overshadowing any happiness or fulfillment. 

I constantly grappled with self-worth and struggled to find my place in a society that seemed indifferent to my pain. Even though I tried to mask my struggles, those closest to me sensed something was wrong. The stress and emotional toll were palpable, leaving scars that took years to heal.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment I began to turn things around was when I chose to channel my struggles into advocacy. I realized that my experiences could be a beacon for others facing similar challenges. This shift was about 70% my own determination and 30% situational improvements. 

The transformation didn’t happen overnight, but gradually, as I engaged with the nonprofit sector and connected with people who understood my journey, I found purpose. I felt a renewed sense of hope and began to believe in the possibility of change

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I became actively involved in disability inclusion, using my voice to advocate for better laws, policies, and regulations for disability rights and justice. Joining forces with like-minded individuals, 

I began speaking at forums and writing about my experiences. I would encourage others in similar situations to find their passion and use it as a channel to heal.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for support and engage with communities that resonate with your struggle.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Sharing my story with family, friends, and colleagues has been a liberating but challenging process. 

While some were supportive, others found it hard to understand my journey. The fear of judgment made it difficult to open up to certain people. 

Being honest about my mental health struggles with those I trust has been essential in my healing process, creating a support network that I can rely on.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Embrace your unique journey, and don’t be afraid to turn your pain into purpose. Connecting with people who truly understand your struggle can be a source of strength and inspiration.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

The Alchemist: This book was instrumental in helping me realize that our unique experiences can be a source of empowerment and change.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find more about me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Twitter.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Overcoming Ableism and Now Raising My Voice for Disability Inclusion appeared first on Tracking Happiness.