Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Julijana, I live in the Balkan region of Europe. I’m 22 years old, and I’m currently employed by a foreign company. It’s a good job, which allowed me to become self-sufficient at 20.

But the night shift sucks. I don’t have a specific job position, but you can compare it to that of a coordinator. I have been in a very happy relationship for 4 years.

I love that we are growing up together and learning about life and how to be adults. It makes you feel less lonely when you can share your journey with someone. I have also adopted a kitty named Sushi.

She was a garbage cat, and now she is fat and fluffy. I’m also a full-time student, so I cannot commit to a lot of hobbies, but I’m working on finding something that makes me happy.

I have a feeling that I am constantly in a state of transition and searching, whether for a better job, hobby, myself, etc.

I would not consider myself to be a happy person. I am a very worried person, and that affects my everyday life a lot, but I do consider myself grateful for everything I have. I am working on being more of a happy person.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Around the age of 13, I started having a lot of mood swings that were attributed to puberty, but as they grew bigger and bigger, I realized I needed to reach out for help. In the beginning, it was only small mood swings, but eventually, it grew to be a much larger issue.

Around 14, I started having episodes of what I didn’t know was mania. I started getting super hypersexual, and I started spending a lot of my money. I also started to steal from my family members, and every time I did it, I didn’t know why exactly. I just liked the high I got from stealing, and I liked the high of spending that money.

There were a couple of times I went through an episode that endangered my life. Once, I decided to walk on the edge of a bridge ledge, thinking I couldn’t die because I was invincible.

No one really attributed this to something more going on, all of my friends liked it and called me crazy. Crazy and cool are used synonymously in middle and high school.

Later on, around 16, I started having deep depression episodes. Before that, there were times I would get sad, but not like this. Those episodes turned into a lot of guilt and sadness, and I needed to punish myself for something, but I didn’t know what. I had a need to punish myself, so I did.

I started self-harming around that time. I remember everyone asking me where I had seen it and why I was copying people on the internet, but all I wanted was to punish myself. I hid it really well.

This time is a blur. All I remember is going from thinking that my dead grandparent was sending me signals to trying to commit suicide.

After that, I got hospitalized of my own free will. I was there for 2 weeks, and it didn’t help me; it actually left a very bad impression. All they did was secure mentally unstable people not to harm themselves or others, but nothing was done to help anyone.

Around 17, I got hospitalized again, this time for 33 days. I was put on multiple medications that led me to gain a huge amount of weight. It is hard to diagnose bipolar disorder in minors, but finally, at 17, I got the diagnosis. After finding the right combo of meds, I became stable again.

I finished school, enrolled in college, and also found a job.

I’m not cured, I still have episodes, but due to using Lamictal, they are way less severe, and finally, I’m a functional human!

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

No one really noticed I was struggling. At 16, I myself reached out for help to my school counselor. She then helped me get into treatment. My parents didn’t notice before I told them, as they were occupied with my younger siblings.

My friends didn’t really notice either, everything I did was considered cool and not something to be concerned about. The self-harm was not evident because I tried to hide it very well.

After everything, I still feel guilty. Some of the feelings cannot be shaken off. For some reason, I still hate myself without an actual reason. I guess this is a journey.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I don’t remember when it started to get better. There wasn’t anything I did. I think that as time went on, I just got tired of hate, guilt, and sadness. I don’t know how I stopped self-harm. I just remember my mindset changing and thinking that even if I hate myself, I shouldn’t harm my body.

It took years to stop and practice. I didn’t just drop it. I stopped doing it every day, then every week. It was a struggle, and I still get the urge to do it on a bad day. It became like an impulse, but I managed to control it after a few years.

I have been clean for 3 years now. I “relapsed” 3 years ago, but I got back on track quickly. I know meds helped, but it just took time, talk, therapy, a change of mindset, and everything else that you can think of. I had to change everything I knew so I could get better.

I still don’t know how I did it.

Loving the man I love also helped me. I felt worthy for the first time. Getting into college made me feel worthy. Getting my first job and moving out made me feel worthy.

Not happy 100%, because with all this comes the worry, but it did make me happy enough to start appreciating myself from time to time.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Therapy, therapy, therapy. That’s the best thing I can recommend. But before therapy, you must get the right diagnosis, which is hard. Finding the right doctor might also be a challenge, but I think there is no right answer to getting better.

Therapy helped me feel acknowledged and not crazy. It helped me understand my condition, how to manage it, and how to try to control it.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I have shared everything only after it happened, after hospitalization. During that time, I wasn’t even able to explain what was going on, so I was afraid to open up to anyone, fearing they wouldn’t understand. Not everyone reacted positively to my story, a lot of judgment occurred but that was to be expected.

I live in a small country in Europe, and mental health is still stigmatized here. I found it way easier to use the sentence “I’m working on some stuff” than to actually explain your problems.

Even now, I hide my scars from my co-workers because it’s easier to explain. I have worked for the same company for almost 3 years, and no one knows about my illness, so I plan for it to stay that way.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I knew that I was worthy of the treatment and that everything I felt was valid. Because it is, no one is the same. Even with the same condition, we are all different.

I was scared of what was happening to me. I was full of hatred, sadness, guilt, disappointment in the world, etc., but sometimes I still am! And that’s valid.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Nothing in particular.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Not comfortable sharing.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Bipolar Disorder Journey and How Therapy and Medication Help Me Navigate appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, my name is Felicita Castillo Delcambre. It’s important that I include my “middle” name because it’s almost a funny story. My maiden name is Felicita Castillo Castillo. I know, it’s a little odd, but this is a constant reminder that I’m a one-of-a-kind type of person.

I’ve never met anyone in person with my name either, and I’m convinced I probably never will. My name is quite unique in my opinion. My parents named me after my great-grandmother, Felicita, and my first name actually means “happiness”.

Growing up, I despised my name. I go by Feli (rhymes with Kelly, belly, jelly. You get the idea when it comes to teasing kids.) for short, and I was teased a ton as a kid because of it. Christmas time was the worst when all my classmates would sing “Feliz Navidad” as “Felicita Navidad.” Not my happiest moment.

My entire life, I’ve always done my very best to live up to the meaning of my name, although naturally, some days are harder than others. Now that I’m older, I realize there’s so much to a name and I’m reminded to search for the small instances of happiness because I was chosen to be called this for a reason.

As for my double last name, it’s a longer story, but after I got married, it was very convenient that I could still keep my maiden name without extra hassle.

Currently, I live in Katy, Texas in the United States. This is a town that thrives on football and being the best in all sports and academics. They have upwards of eleven Katy alumni graduates who have made it to the NFL (National Football League) and the football team typically makes it to the playoffs every year.

They currently hold 9 State Championships, just at Katy High School alone, not including other Katy ISD high schools in the area. Katy Independent School District ranks number one among Public School Districts in the Houston Area, which is currently the fifth largest city in the USA and is currently ranked number twelve in the State.

I say all this because I currently have a freshman daughter in high school that I need to guide to live up to these high demanding standards as an athlete in their volleyball program and participate in all advanced core classes.

She is my world, and I always want the very best for her. I am also happily married, and we celebrated our 5th anniversary earlier this year. Although we’ve only been married for 5 years, we’ve been together for the last 10 years and I honestly couldn’t imagine life without him.

Both my husband and I work in the oil and gas industry. I work for a small engineering company in Katy, TX directly under the CEO. I wouldn’t say it’s a job I’m passionate about, but it is a job I do excel at.

My ultimate dream is to grow my two current businesses into full-time income so I can work full-time doing what I truly love and have a passion for.

I’ve always had an entrepreneurial mindset and passion for success. Even as a small child, you would catch me playing pretend “bank teller” instead of pretending to be “house mom” with my friends.

I wasn’t the type to play with baby dolls because I saw myself as a boss at a very young age. I believe I’m a natural-born leader. I’m currently a business owner of two businesses in the health and wellness industry.

It is my mission to empower determined women in their 30s and beyond to reclaim their energy through creating a sustainable approach to nutrition and macro counting.

I want women to build this strong belief in their best selves, both physically and mentally, because I know what it’s like to be torn down and not have help.

I want women to believe they can achieve their goals in their health and wellness, and realize the truth that they are more than just a mom, taxi driver, chef, housecleaner, and whatever other stereotypical womanly duties we are usually tasked with.

Overall, I am content with life, as there are those far worse, and I am grateful that myself and my loved ones are healthy, we have a home and are ultimately happy.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Although it seems I’m living the American dream now, this wasn’t always the case. I come from a very small town in South Texas with a population of less than 4,000 people. It is drug-ridden and low-income, and many people unfortunately never leave there.

It’s a depression trap for some, a motivation to leave for others like myself. I blame where I come from to be the beginning of my struggle with the anger of having a self-sabotage mindset, and learning how to overcome negative self-talk.

Ever since I was a small child I’ve faced many challenges from my family and peers. We lived in low-income housing, with my parents never being married and my father not in the family picture.

I’m the youngest of four. My two oldest siblings weren’t always the best role models with each of them having babies at a young age. We had big age gaps, so by the time they graduated high school, my other sister and I were still in elementary school.

When I was 12 years old, and my third oldest sibling was just 14 years old, my mother left us behind to move around the country with her boyfriend at the time.

Since her first two children were grown with their own babies and lives, my adolescent thought process led me to believe that she quit on us because we weren’t going to be enough for her to change her ways.

My sister and I bounced around family homes for about two years. One week with my grandparents, the next with cousins, the next with friends, then aunts, then my oldest sister, then back to my grandparents.

We were mostly separated the entire time my mother was gone, but eventually, my mother ended up getting us our own apartment to live in so she could calm the nagging family taking care of her children.

At the young age of 14, the same age as my daughter now, my 16-year-old sister and I lived on our own and had to face adulthood extremely quickly.

We cooked, cleaned, washed our own clothes, worked, figured out schedules and rides, and performed all the parental duties ourselves, and for one another, growing up.

My mother would only send money for bills that weren’t covered by government assistance, and we faced eviction a time or two. This was the beginning of my struggle with anger and self-sabotage.

There were constant thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. If my own parents could leave me, and I wasn’t enough for them to stay and want to be part of my life, despite all my great accomplishments, anyone can and will.

I was angry because I worked so hard. I was always on the honor roll with amazing grades. I was captain of every sports team I played on. I made the varsity cheerleading squad and softball team as a freshman. I had figured if I worked extra hard to do the best and be the best, it would encourage my mother to come back to us.

I thought maybe she would recognize how amazing we are, and want to be part of that, but she didn’t. On the outside to my teachers and peers, I was this amazing student and friend, on the inside I was hollow bitterness living with the constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough no matter how hard I tried.

Over time I used my mother’s abandonment, for lack of a better word, as a motivator in life. Eventually, my sadness turned into anger, and this fire propelled me to achieve many goals I set for myself.

Once I graduated high school, I moved to San Antonio, Texas to carry out my dream of moving away from that place of sadness and building the home I never had.

Shortly after my move, I hit my first block of self-sabotage. I came out pregnant and found out a month before I was to go into the United States Air Force.

Looking back, I see this as God guiding my path, but at the time, I was devastated and disappointed in myself that I was so irresponsible in repeating the cycle I so desperately worked to escape.

I had worked so hard to finally leave a place of sadness, just to sabotage myself into now having another human depending on me. My daughter’s father wasn’t the best of people, and needless to say, we didn’t last. When my daughter turned a year old, I left him, and we were off and on until I met my now husband when she turned 4 years old.

I would say I still struggle with anger and self-sabotage to this day. There are times when I use my upbringing as a debilitating excuse in various aspects of my life. Sometimes it’s a hindrance, and sometimes it’s a motivator. There are times when I struggle in my marriage, as a mother, as a business owner.

On days when I’m dreaming up my future and how my businesses will one day be successful, and I’m putting in my notice to leave my job, there’s always this small voice I hear saying, “Look where you come from.

You don’t have a degree. You’re not good enough to be the leader of a successful business. You don’t belong in that crowd of success.” Then, I reflect on all the statistics I overcame at such a young age and remind myself that I already walked through hell and back, and if I can do that as a child, nothing can stop me now.

The passionate fire within me runs so deep in my soul that I truly believe I was made for great things. It’s the faith that my story thus far and the meaning of my name is meant for greatness and happiness, despite the sadness I endured. I wasn’t named “happiness” for no reason, and although I don’t know the reasons now, I’m content with never knowing.

The anger still lives in a small place inside me, and I still struggle with this daily. I’ve since forgiven both my parents and now understand many things and their reasoning that I didn’t understand as a child.

I realized that anger will only continue to self-sabotage my dreams, and having faith in my search for my happiness and success continues to be my new motivator.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my worst moments, I wanted to die. Even as an elementary school-aged child, these thoughts came to mind. I thought about dying and what people would say and think.

I prayed my peers would regret being so mean to me when I was gone. I prayed they would suffer the pain of the sadness they inflicted on me once I was gone. I prayed they would ask for my forgiveness.

But then I would think of those who did love and care about me, and I couldn’t bear imagining the pain they’d feel also. It was my imagination of their sadness that overpowered the pain of imaginary hatred that kept me alive and I’ll forever be thankful for their love.

It was never clear to many people that I was suffering in any way. As far as everyone knew, I was the best at everything. I was strong. I was independent. I was capable. I was very smart. I was happy.

No one knew I was struggling unless I told them I was. Teachers had no idea. Only some very close friends knew. I couldn’t bear the look of pity. I hated to tell people my mother left me because people would give me this disgusting look of empathy as if they could possibly imagine what I was going through and I couldn’t stand it.

It made me feel even smaller than I already felt. It made me feel incapable and weak, and I didn’t have time for those feelings. I didn’t have room in my heart for weakness because if I wasn’t strong, I would fail. If I wasn’t capable, there would be no one else to help me.

I was alone and I only had me and I preferred it that way. I needed to be independent. I wore this mask of strength for so long, that sometimes I feel like I still wear it. In fact, sometimes I know I do. This is how I know I still struggle.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

It wasn’t until I learned I was going to be a mother myself, that I realized I needed to change. I didn’t know what kind of mother I was going to be, but I knew one thing. I was going to do everything opposite of my mother.

I knew I had to end the cycle and it needed to be me to do it. My daughter truly saved me from myself. I often feel if she hadn’t come into my life when she did, I probably would’ve spiraled into this chaotic tornado.

God knew I needed her and although she came at the most unexpected, inopportune time, she was meant to be. I knew the first step to making a change would be forgiveness and I started to heal my relationship with my mother once I became pregnant.

By then, she had made her way back to my hometown after finally leaving her boyfriend whom she left us for. She came back my senior year of high school thinking we’d dance back into her loving arms. That didn’t happen with me, but my sister moved back with her, while I refused and eventually moved away after graduation.

A couple of years later, after her repeated attempts to mend our relationship, I gave her the chance to be there for me throughout my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter, and she was. She was there for me in the exact motherly way I needed her to be, and slowly my heart started to heal.

It was a couple of years after my daughter was born that I came across network marketing, and the company I was with was huge on personal development.

I read so many books on overcoming negative emotions, communication, and wealth management. I practiced what I learned, and transformations happened. I started to actually become the person I always wanted to be.

I overcame emotional obstacles more easily. I was more understanding of things within my control. My career in network marketing never flourished to the lengths they said were possible, due to paralysis of fear in my opinion, but I’m grateful for everything I learned when it came to all the personal development teachings I practiced in the 3-4 years I was with my team.

I took a break and have recently begun a new journey with an entirely different company now. I don’t see network marketing in the same way I used to, and I now know the limitations of its success, but I do see the benefits of it being an actual business and how the product is still very impactful in a good way. 

I remember before moving away from my hometown, I used to dream of leaving so that no one knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be and it would be true because they wouldn’t know me to cast judgment up front.

I could be anyone my heart desired. No one would know where I come from. No one would know anything about me and I could portray my best self. My true self and that would be who they knew. Then I would be the person I was made to be.

I would actually be the one who is the best at everything. I would be a strong, independent, capable woman and it would be true because I would no longer live in the shadows of despair in my hometown with the judgemental eyes and people waiting for me to fail. I would finally be happy.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I do see her. Deep down, I have forgiven my past and I know that my true self is the desires of my heart and future, which is why I can confidently be the person I am today and not feel like there’s a mask on.

Of course, I have my days of self-pity, and I make excuses, and the spurts of self-sabotage come out to be an unproductive day but ultimately in those instances, I give myself grace and remind myself that I’m human.

I’m not perfect and I never will be. I am capable but I deserve breaks. I am independent but I deserve a partner. I am strong, but people who love you help you carry the load.

Slowly, over time I’ve opened up and learned that it’s ok to let people in. Allowing people in your heart doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you’re loved.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started with forgiveness. I recognized that anger was my fuel and my trigger and it was very unhealthy in many ways. It was my anger that led to my self-sabotage and the excuses I made to not be my best.

I knowingly put a wall up and did not allow people in. Take the time and identify the emotions you know are hurting you. Ask yourself what’s making you mad, if it’s anger. If it’s sadness, what’s causing the pain of sadness? If it’s selfishness, what’s causing you to feel like you’re going to lose something that you have to grasp everything so tightly and selfishly?

What do you feel like you’re lacking, or going without that you feel the need to take so much? It is so important to identify the emotion that is causing you pain and understand what is in your power to overcome that emotion and channel it into something positive for yourself and those around you.

For example, I identified that I was angry at my parents and needed to figure out how to forgive them for leaving me. I needed to prove to myself that I was enough for love. So the first place I turned to was the Bible.

God’s word explicitly explained exactly what love is and how no matter what I am and always will be loved. No one on earth could love me more than God himself, and for me, that was enough.

I learned how Jesus forgave those who crucified him, and he was perfect. He did nothing to deserve his tortuous death. This showed me that if he could forgive them, I could also forgive my parents and anyone who hurt me.

I also actively participated in a small faith group where we’d meet once a month, pick a bible verse to discuss, and share the thoughts in our hearts. It was a safe space for me with people I knew I could trust, so I would recommend finding a community that you feel can be your safe space as well.

For those non-religious, I would still say to read, and reading books on personal development helped me tremendously. There are various books that explain how to identify different emotions and what you can do to overcome obstacles preventing you from being your best and true self.

Journaling is also a very beneficial method that helps to relieve emotions that are harming you internally. I have journals that date back to more than 20 years ago.

If you don’t feel like you’re ready to talk to a professional, journaling is a great way to speak your voice in an unconventional way, although I would also highly recommend speaking to a professional.

Depending on what you’re struggling with, getting professional help is one of the best ways to resolve some issues, if you feel like these are things you can’t quite handle on your own, or don’t know how to overcome. Trained professionals can help guide you to the healing you are seeking.

Reading was also another way I learned different techniques for identifying emotions. I read several books on personal development and learned different ways to channel my anger into something productive. I learned that I had control over my emotions, and could use this power over thoughts and actions to be a person I’m proud of.

I didn’t realize I was already doing this but in a negative, unhealthy way to a certain extent. Not letting people into my life did nothing but make me feel sad and lonely.

I learned that other’s actions didn’t dictate my feelings. It was my reactions to others that I needed to learn to control. Reading books that help you with things you can relate to helped me tremendously on my journey thus far. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As a child, I only shared bits and pieces of what I was going through with friends. Close friends knew my mom wasn’t there, but they didn’t know my mental health struggles.

I also didn’t share many of my emotions with family other than my sister who was experiencing the same emotions with me because she was left behind also.

I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it because I despised the feelings of pity, which was always the first reaction. I also knew that no one else could fully relate to what I was experiencing because they never went through anything like that.

It was difficult for me to speak to anyone I knew wouldn’t fully understand and I didn’t have time to waste trying to do so. It wasn’t until after I significantly started healing that I felt more comfortable sharing this struggle with others. 

I did share this experience with my husband, and he is one of the only people who truly knows everything. I also served on a church retreat team years ago, and shared my story of forgiveness with the retreatants, along with my small faith group members.

Otherwise, that time of my life has now come and gone and I don’t feel the need to share my journey as much anymore. After finding healing, I’ve come to be so much more at peace. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Time is the enemy and the gift. We don’t know when our time is up, and instead of wasting your energy on all the negative things in your life, use it wisely. Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person you’re angry at to die.

You’re only hurting yourself at the end of the day, and you’re losing precious time that you could use to be happy. There’s no good reason to suffer.

Don’t waste your time. Don’t waste your time on things that are hurting you and the people you love. Don’t focus your time and energy on things that aren’t helping you be a better person.

What you give to the universe you get back tenfold, so use your time to be your best self, and your best self will eventually appear. It’s a choice to live miserable, or happy. The choice is yours.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Secret by Rhonda Byren helped me understand that you attract what you put into the universe. You are in control of your desires. 
• The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson helped me identify obstacles in my path toward the dreams I had in my heart and how to overcome them using the power of the mind.
• The Shark and the Goldfish by Jon Gordon helped me by showing me different ways of seeing things in a positive way, instead of a negative way. Nothing is out of reach and perspective makes a huge difference in the outcomes you desire.
• Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki helped me understand the fundamentals of a successful business. Changing your mind around how you see money to make it work for you, rather than you working for it will help build financial wealth.
• Slay Girl Slay Podcast with Ashley Leggs has helped me on days that I struggle to believe I am worthy. Whenever I’m discouraged, I’ll put on her show and she is the ultimate hype woman. I highly recommend listening to her show.
• The Good News with Ashley Leggs is also another show I listen to when I’m discouraged and beginning to self-sabotage. This reminds me that I’m not alone. The show features so many people who went through a similar childhood as me, or worse, and overcame their obstacles too. It helps me remember that I’m not the only one who’s suffered and overcame trauma of some sort.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can sign up for my email newsletter where you’ll learn ways to live a healthier lifestyle without giving up things you love. You can sign up using this link.

You can connect with me more on my recent health journey on Instagram at @TheVindiJourney. My personal profile is also linked in the bio section to connect with me there as well.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Struggle With Abandonment And Anger Through Resilience and Forgiveness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Rob Kalwarowsky, an impactful leadership coach for Elite High Performance. I use a unique blend of psychology, science, leadership & experience to give my clients life-changing transformations.

I have a special ability to give people an intimate and caring space, regardless of the size of the room, while bringing humor and research into my coaching.

I recently did a TEDx talk called How to Deal with an A**Hole Boss and I co-host the Leadership Launchpad Project podcast, rated Canada’s #3 top leadership podcast by Feedspot.

Before transitioning into leadership coaching & speaking, I spent over 10 years as an engineer within mining, oil pipelines, and consulting in heavy industry.

I have a foundation of high performance as I graduated from Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) with a Bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering with a minor in Management, I was a 3-time Academic All-American in NCAA Water Polo and I played on the Canadian Junior National Water Polo Team. the 

Now, I live in Costa Rica, married to my wife, Mbalia and we have an amazing labradoodle, Winston.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggle with depression, anxiety & suicidality. It started in 2012 because of a toxic boss.

When I started working, I thought I had it all. I played on the Canadian Junior National Water Polo Team and got a Mechanical Engineering degree from MIT.

In my first job in mining, I saved my company millions. I thought I was on the fast track to success and happiness, but it all came crashing down. I had a toxic boss and it led me to turn in on myself.

Day by day, my manager ground me down. He made me question my choices at work, then my purpose, then whether my life itself had any meaning. And in 2013, I tried to take my life.

I was getting medications and therapy at the time but nothing helped. I tried 10-15 medications, I was invalidated in therapy and then I gave up. I didn’t think help would work for me.

In 2020, after moving and switching jobs multiple times, I went back into therapy. My therapist is amazing and we did deep trauma work using EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. I still struggled with my mood and she recommended that I try to find medications.

After another 10-15 medications that didn’t work, I finally found a great psychiatrist who prescribed me medications that worked (he ordered a genetic test for me) and ketamine treatment.

It all clicked for me and the last few years were a massive change. I pivoted from engineering into leadership coaching, got married to my wife, got my dog, Winston, moved to Costa Rica, and did a TEDx talk about bad bosses. Now my life is more fulfilling, happier and I’m supported by an incredible group of people.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

In my worst moments, I felt despair and I felt like my only option was to take my life. I had tried 20-25 different medications, I had tried numerous therapies/therapists, I had tried everything I could think of to help myself and yet, I was in the darkness with no light.

I didn’t know how to get out. I couldn’t see any path or steps that gave me a glimmer of hope. It was all darkness, pain, and despair.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment that things turned around for me was when I met my now psychiatrist for the first time. Up to that point, I had been to 3-4 other psychiatrists, I had taken 20-25 different medications without success, and I had been diagnosed with a multitude of disorders some of which were incorrect.

I had also been doing deep trauma therapy for 9 months where I saw my therapist 2-3 times/week. I knew my therapist was great but I still felt suicidal.

My psychiatrist did 2 things that made me trust him immediately. After I told him, I had tried all these medications and many of them made me feel worse. He ordered a genetic test so we had scientific data on which medications would/wouldn’t work.

The second thing, he showed me multiple scientific papers on the effectiveness of ketamine treatment on treatment-resistant depression. He showed me in the first consult that he relies on science (not guesswork like what I experienced before) and he was constantly searching for new treatments to help people more effectively. He was the final piece of my puzzle that saved my life.

When I was assessed by my psychiatrist in June 2021, I was 51 out of 63 on Beck’s Depressive Inventory (considered Extreme Depression). A few months later, I was in my 20s (Borderline Clinical Depression) and now, I’m not considered depressed anymore (I still take medication, have treatment, and do therapy to maintain my current mood).

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

• My top recommendation for people who struggle with depression is to surround yourself with the right people. I think it should include both mental health professionals and personal connections (spouse, partner, friends, family, colleagues, etc.) 
• For me, the right mental health professionals were a psychologist & psychiatrist who were constantly growing, evolving their thinking, and willing to experiment with new modalities. 
• Here are a few examples:
  • I found a great therapist where I was able to excavate & heal trauma. For example, EMDR & IFS therapy were more effective for me than CBT or talk therapy. My therapist was constantly taking new programs, speaking to her mentors, and implementing her learnings with me. 
    One key example was her using Accelerated Resolution Therapy on my memory of the suicide attempt. Through ART, I was able to process the trauma of that event and change the memory.
  • I found a great psychiatrist where I was able to balance the chemicals in my brain. He was constantly reading scientific papers and kept showing me new research on ketamine and my medications to give reasoning behind his recommendations. 
    The keys for me were MAOI medications instead of traditional SSRIs and using ketamine treatment which is fairly new in its usage as an antidepressant.

• For me, the right personal support system included a coach, my wife, and my dog.
  • I found a great coach where I was able to envision and work towards a fulfilling future. She gave me the optimism, clarity, and confidence that I had lost while suffering.
  • I found an amazing wife & dog who gave me love and acceptance. My wife has supported me through my darkest moments and given me love when I was broken.
    My dog showed me what unconditional love and unconditional acceptance is. He’s always near me and we share so many moments throughout the day that keep me feeling great.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I started struggling in 2012, I found it hard to share it with anyone. When it became too much for me to handle on my own, I started sharing it with friends.

Unfortunately, I pushed those friends away because of what I was sharing. They were not mental health professionals and I overstepped their boundaries by sharing too much.

In 2019, I started talking about it openly. I wrote a blog post about depression where I received so much feedback from the global maintenance & reliability engineering community that I never turned back. I started sharing pieces on my podcast as well.

The impact helped me keep going. I received messages from people who struggled from Australia to North America saying that reading that blog helped them.

In 2021, I had the privilege of doing a keynote in Australia where hundreds of professionals heard me speak about my mental health struggles. Most recently, in July 2023, I did a TEDx talk in Japan about toxic bosses and my mental health struggles that were triggered by having one.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Don’t stop searching until you find your perfect support team. I went through many therapists, psychiatrists, coaches, and friends (losing some in the process) until I found the right support team for me. I felt so many times that I was unfixable. After years of searching, I finally found the perfect people for my support system. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t overnight but it saved my life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Internal Family Systems was a game-changer for me not only in supporting my own healing/day-to-day life but also in understanding others. 
• Dr. Richard Schwartz’s book – No Bad Parts was really helpful in understanding IFS after I had done many therapy sessions using this modality. I was also fortunate to have interviewed Dr. Schwartz for the Leadership Launchpad Project podcast.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

• I’m most active on LinkedIn.
• My podcast, Leadership Launchpad Project.
• For tips & strategies to Help You Deal with a Toxic Boss.  
• For 1on1 or corporate high-performance leadership coaching.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How a Toxic Boss Pushed Me to Into a Depression and How I Bounced Back appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I am Rita Vilhena due to my photography, also known as Rita Isabel due to my art. I was born and raised in Portugal and currently reside in Portugal.

I am an independent worker (that is what we call here for jobs like Photographer), since I am a professional Photographer, Digital Artist, and Painter. 

I haven’t been in a relationship officially since 6 years ago, due to the last relationship being very toxic and traumatic. I have 9 cats, I love animals! My passion is art and photography and thankfully I do what I love, so, most days it doesn’t feel like “work” even though it is. 

I consider happiness to be a moment that comes and goes, just like sadness, life has taught me that, however, I do consider myself happier than I ever was.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

The official name of what I struggle against is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

The symptoms I experienced majorly and still do at times are:

• Fear of abandonment.
• Impulsive behavior (doing drugs, mainly weed to nullify my emotional pain which I know is wrong, unsafe sex, binge eating).
• Self-sabotage (mainly love relationships).
• Problems with my self-image (such as weight and beauty standards).
• Chronic mood swings (going from feeling good to feeling extremely sad).
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Paranoid thoughts (like people harming me).
• Feeling detached, extreme anxiety (to the point I’d vomit food and even with empty stomach, shaking due to anxiety, mainly hands).
• Self-harm (I’d do small cuts on my wrists to relieve the emotional pain because it was too strong, however, I was able to never do it again and manage it).

And I’ve made two suicide attempts with pills, however, I have been able to manage this due to having psychotherapy with a psychologist who understands more about BPD and being on the right medicine (for my body)

The medicine that works out for me may not work out for someone else as medicine might change from person to person, not every “cocktail” of pills might work for the same person, because we are all different, all unique in our own way, from our brain to our feet. 

Please also understand, that psychotherapy is essential, taking pills is just like a crutch they aren’t the cure or the solution, they help you a little, and they give you a push simply, what will really and truly help you is psychotherapy, and you will want to quit it once it is working, now you will ask me, how will I know when it works? When you want to not go to the therapy sessions, that means it is working!

Because when you want to give up the therapy and quit it, IT IS, when it is working, it is when you feel the most pain, the most profound sadness and you make all sorts of excuses to not go, please, when that happens, force yourself to go, even if you have anxiety at that moment and so forth, face your fear and do go and tell your therapist exactly why you didn’t want to go and so on, your therapist will be there for you and will know how to handle it

He is the healthcare professional that truly wants to help you to overcome your past and current traumas and wants you to be able to manage your full day, as in, get out of bed, do daily tasks (like washing dishes, showering, making yourself pretty FOR YOURSELF!), he will help you see, even if it’s not totally “direct” because you have to do the work yourself but you need to be willing to do the work. 

And always remember this: If a doctor tells you, you do not have a cure, I know this is like, if someone is giving a death sentence because that happened to me, quit that doctor, there is a cure, even if not “total” but you will be able to manage your everyday life and have less and less of these symptoms

And you have to get to know yourself very well, no matter what others tell you about you, you are the one who knows yourself better than anyone! Also learn to know what triggers you, to know what is a toxic environment, and toxic people, and to know what is truly healthy for you. 

For someone who identifies with BPD and is struggling with such, this was the website that made me certain of having BPD, although I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist of having it. 

I think it started during my young adult years with BPD (however with MDD it started when I was 13 years old) but it aggravated severely because I was in a 6-year toxic and verbally abusive relationship. I often say I was a victim of psychological domestic violence because to me and from experts I’ve heard, that is what actually happened.

Although my family life was toxic, I never felt loved at home, especially by my parents. Even though I knew my parents loved me, they would be cold (as in, not giving hugs, kisses or saying that loved us) and so I wasn’t able to feel it. Sadly, there was a lot of psychological abuse in front of us.

Being a lonely child, isolated, and talented since a very small age, when I entered first grade, I was bullied by my schoolmates due to drawing well, I’d always be alone. For most of my pre-teen years and growing to teen years I suffered bullying at school and sexual harassment.

I also believe that made me feel like an object, objectified especially by men, rejected by women because I’d stand out among the rest of the women and they hated that and I’d search for love in the wrong places because the root of the trauma was in my childhood. 

This still impacts me to this day, as I am still a work in progress and I believe I will always be, we as humans have to refine ourselves, acquiring knowledge makes us evolve as human beings, if we don’t acquire knowledge we get stuck.

Knowledge is never enough, we are always students even if we can become masters but even masters keep learning. I do a lot of self-development and avoid at all costs reading negative quotes, posts, news outlets, etc. because I am hyper-empathetic.

I naturally feel for others and I also have to protect myself from that, because all my love relationships and even most friendships were extremely toxic and some were even abusive, being an empath we easily fall prey to people like narcissists and other types of personality disorders such as the dark triad.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For many years, I was never able to be happy at all, even for small moments, it was a constant struggle and I’d never understand why I was not “normal” and wouldn’t “fit in” like everyone else. 

It wasn’t clear to the people around me that I was having a severe struggle inside me because I’d hidden it well, coming from a Christian family, sadly I lived inside a bubble made by my parents.

I would also hide it because when I’d try to reach out to people they would invalidate my feelings with such phrases as “there are people that have it worse”, “you are over-sensitive”, “you are too emotional”, there’s more phrases of this type that totally invalidate someone who is struggling in serious mental health issue.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

This isn’t a happy story. However I started to feel a little bit of change when I finally moved out of my parents to Germany into that abusive 6-year relationship (I lived in Germany for 4 years), I was finally able to be myself, around my parents and everyone I knew from church circle, I’d have to pretend to be someone else and never myself, my authentic self. 

Quantifying it, it was a result of my actions, because if I didn’t apply to Erasmus it would have never happened so I’d say 100%. But it was an escape from my parents and the toxic environment.

It still took me years of struggle to find a way around it, because since I was raised inside a bubble, my parents didn’t teach me or provide me the basic life tools I needed to be “out there”. I had to learn everything on my own and became a strong warrior. I’d still rely at that time too much on what others would say and would think of me. 

When I returned to Portugal, I went through 3 different psychiatrists until I found the proper one for the proper “cocktail” of pills. I knew I wasn’t still 100% but at this time, I was already doing psychotherapy, my mother had passed away (she was my best friend and confidant) and I started doing a lot of self-development.

Slowly I started to realize, I was following for example too many negative instagram accounts, with depressive mindsets and I told myself, life can’t be only about negativity, it’s impossible, so I cut off everything negative/toxic and started following everything positive that would make me acquire knowledge and make me grow as a human being, I found Jordan B. Peterson and that helped me a lot, like, a lot. (this is an example) 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

What really helped me was psychotherapy, self-development and I had to cut off a lot of people that were toxic to me, including relationships, friendships, and even family. I know it isn’t easy, it is very difficult, but I had to learn to love myself first and put others after. 

People might say I am selfish but no, that isn’t being selfish, that is having compassion, comprehension, and empathy for yourself. 

If someone is abusing you, gaslighting you, manipulating you, or taking advantage of you, you should instantly cut them off everywhere, including social networks, real life, everything. Even if you have to change your phone number (I had to do this because of a female ex-friend and even after I receive anonymous text messages trying to taunt me). 

Do not *ever* allow other human beings to abuse you in any way. 

I recommend a lot Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, because last year I had a music trigger, I was able to solve it by myself due to Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s posts and videos on YouTube.

Every time I’d go to a supermarket or convenience store (the song was super popular) it would play randomly and I’d have panic attacks and I’d have to pretend to be okay and I’d start sweating and all I wanted to do was run and shout, sadly even my psychologist wasn’t able to help me with that but thankfully because I always do a lot of research, the posts and videos of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson helped me on solving my trigger. 

Related to triggers, if you know you going to trigger for example listening to a song, a movie, etc., fight your demons, slay the dragon in the cave! (like Jordan B. Peterson says) This will make you stronger in many ways.

Do not avoid your triggers, avoiding will increase them each time, find a way to get past them, this includes fears, always think you are strong, a warrior, and after all, you are! You are battling a heavy fight, even though we get down on the ground, we were taught to get up and keep going, do not EVER give up on yourself. You are precious. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I felt mainly comfortable talking about my struggles to my psychologists and very very few friends… Most people like I stated before, invalidate you right away because they lack emotional intelligence and empathy. They aren’t able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. 

I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my struggles or my siblings because they never seemed like people who would understand at all what I was struggling with. However, they’d notice something was wrong, especially my mother. I always felt like there was a wall between us, due to my parents being conservative and at the same time open-minded. I’d keep it all to myself mainly.

Nowadays I don’t find it so hard to talk openly about my mental health struggle with someone but a lot of times I try not to do it, because I don’t want to give negative vibes, but also because in my country it’s considered still a taboo.

However in my opinion, if you want to know if someone is your real friend or not, tell them, wait for their action, if they disappear from your life, then you know these people never were real and never were true and authentic and you are better off without them! It’s a pretty good test. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I have a few pieces of advice I want to give:

Know yourself better, I did way later in life a personality type test which is known as the Mayer-Briggs personality test, which was based on Carl Jung’s studies of personality types.

I am actually an INFJ, one of the world’s rarer personality type, I sought answers nonstop for not ‘fitting in’ in the crowd and society and I always blamed myself for it, thinking it was my fault, once I did that, I finally understood A LOT, that happened in my life and why I was very rejected too because I was never afraid of speaking out. 

16 Personalities – Based on the Mayer-Briggs personality test, I find this the most accurate website, but you have to be very truthful, honest and do it with proper time.

Do not listen to people who have achieved nothing in life, especially if you are an overachiever and ambitious person, if you have a dream, run after your dream, God has plans for you and he gifted each one of us with something.

My gift was in the arts and since I was 14 years old (even though I started drawing when I was 2 years old) I’ve been after that dream, even if my own family has tried to “cut off” my legs (due to worrying because art life isn’t very profitable). Fight for your dream, when things are being the hardest and you’re ready to quit, that is when you shouldn’t quit because big things are coming.

Get away from people who trash-talk other people, these people are toxic, there is a saying in my country that is like this: “If someone is at a table trash-talking someone who isn’t there, once you get up and leave, the next topic of conversation will be you.”

There are always old sayings that have a truth in them and do make sense. 

Do not believe when society claims that because you love yourself and put yourself first that means you are selfish, this isn’t true! Being selfish means someone who never helps anyone, only looks to their own belly button, and has no empathy for anyone. 

Thank God or whatever you believe, each day you wake up just for being alive and having a roof over your head, food, and so forth, simply be thankful, it will increase your mood and you will learn the meaning of the simple things in life. 

Take walks in nature, even if alone or with your pet or with a friend or boyfriend/husband/companion, for a minimum of 30 minutes. 

Last advice, read this article to know that having BPD isn’t the end of the world, so you feel relieved.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

My recommendations for readings, podcasts, and YouTube learning videos are:

• Jordan B. Peterson, Rodrigo Silva, Augusto Cury, Dr. Ramani, Joseph Campbell.
• I listen to and have one book from Jordan B. Peterson (12 Rules for Life: Antidote to Chaos) and I love watching and rewatching his speeches where he deciphers the bible with psychology. 
• Pastor Rodrigo Silva sermons and when he goes to podcasts like PrimoCast, he explains in detail the bible verses and stories, he’s also an archeologist and he speaks of psychology too.  
• Augusto Cury’s books are excellent to help with self-love, he’s a renowned psychiatrist and if I’m correct, he also works in the field of neuroscience. 
• Doctor Ramani on YouTube related to Narcissism, this helped me a lot because I come from a family that has one or more narcissists, my current, and other kin. It’s a generational problem and it keeps passing on from one generation to another and I’ve been the main one trying to break the pattern. If there isn’t one that breaks the pattern, the pattern keeps on going for generations, this is why, nowadays there is so much crime. 
• Rhonda Byrnes, her book named HERO, which is inspired by Joseph Campbell’s The Path of the Hero. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on the following websites:

• www.ritaisabel.com – my art website that’s currently in English.
• www.vilhenarita.com – currently in Portuguese.

You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram @ritaisabelart, @ritavilhenaphotography, and TikTok @ritavilhenaphotography.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Learned to Manage Depression and BPD Through Art and Self-Development appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Morgan McCarthy. I am approaching my 29th birthday. I live in upstate New York. In Saratoga Springs, where the horses race, where you’ll find yourself at the location of the very first potato chip and water known to heal your soul.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend and I hold three degrees. One in English focused on Public Relations and Gerontology. The second is in Hospitality Management and the third and most important, in life.

As a Life Coach, I have been able to harness my speaking skills and fundraising capabilities to reach a larger audience. It’s something I have been a part of my whole life. My needs might have hindered my movement, but not my speech.

I live every day in gratitude for the research and education others put forth for the next generation so other kids don’t have to feel how I did. Opportunities like this one, I have hope will help the kids that are waiting to be included by their peers because they are judged for things they have no control over.

Career-wise, I credit my older sister, Erin for moving to New York City after college and finding resources and connections to help me grow. My middle sister, Erica, for being a teacher and inviting me into her classroom. My brother for being an extra layer of security growing up, always choosing me when I needed him on the bus ride home or the end of the driveway to feel safe when kids were mean.

There were many days I spent in tears because I just couldn’t understand how some kids could be so cruel. My parents never let me miss out on things as a child. Nothing was ever handed to me just because it would be harder if I did so, myself. I did everything, I tried everything. I settled on cheerleading, Girl Scouts, and figure skating, that later led to, monoskiing.

We grow stronger as a unit and over the years we all have grown and some of us have multiplied. That’s still where I return to peace and comfort. With all the amazing things I have been able to do, I have to ride the wave of emotions that come with such amazing opportunities that simply were a different trajectory than my peers.

Professionally, I currently help women (&men) foster a better relationship with themselves, their peers, and their diagnosis as it intersects with life. As well as anyone who wants to learn how to be a better friend.

As a disabled woman myself, living with two visible health conditions, cerebral palsy, and brachydactaly. (I will take the time to explain the impact on my health in later sections) I saw a gap in the market where I had someone, not everyone does.

That friend, Andrea Koenig, helped me through major moments in my life as a child and young adult because she is fourteen years older than me. From things like classroom accommodations to the possibility of driving to getting to a place where now, I now have a personal assistant who helps me with my day-to-day needs so I can be more independent. With her, I knew how to get by. So in 2022, I had a wild idea I could be that for others.

I now have a micro-influential following online, I was able to expand my career with opportunities like this one, being on Instagram (@Yourhotdisabledbestie). I’ve been able to support individuals and companies for a more inclusive lifestyle. A disabled Dear Abby, I like to say.

I have made so many new connections with those in similar situations. A space to learn, grow, and feel seen by others and have people who need it have a place to ask questions without fear that I am going to be offended. I know without a shadow of a doubt, without the presence of technology I would spend even more time alone than I already do. That is a slippery slope.

As for my personal life: I have a service dog named Dewey, he retired this year at 10. He gave me my first gig at parenthood. In 2015, I was blessed by a nonprofit organization called Canine Companions for Independence. CCI has given me a new leash on life. I wake up with a purpose to let Dewey out and feed him breakfast, make memories over the years with many people.

My passions include but aren’t limited to exercise, creative works of art, travel, and cooking. Exercise being most important, as we progress that was probably what saved me. The ability to be creative is innate within me from dancing to movies and being a visionary.

Travel is tricky, but still a love. If the world was more accessible I think I would do so more often. I like to think I’m a foodie, I grew up saying “BAM” like Emeril Lagasse all the time. Food Network will always be on my TV.

Happiness is tough for everyone, as I think it’s relative to your environmental stimuli. Yes, that is – in agreement with Gabor Mate. I would say 75% of the time I am well overjoyed to be a human on this planet.

However, You can’t maintain joy all the time. The contrast allows you to miss happiness when you have it. I hope sharing my mental health journey will help someone else. I think there is something beautiful about being honest about your pain when you’ve processed it.

My social media is my communication with my people in the outside world. When you don’t have the people in your neighborhood to go for a coffee with, your bestie could be in California just waiting to hear from you.

I’m thankful to have grown up in an age where it is so readily accessible. Those are the friendships that mean more, people with a direct connection to health in all facets, especially chronic conditions.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Trigger Warning: The following paragraphs discuss self-injury. 

The official names of my struggles are Anxiety and Depression related to the life of a patient with Chronic non-progressive health conditions. Meaning, they will never get better. They will never go away.

I have CP. It’s a brain injury that makes walking, processing information, motor planning, and special areas of life incredibly difficult. Living with a genetic bone condition is another source of pain, loss of typical hand and feet function. Granted, I still have them.

Every day is different with the amount of loss I will feel every time I wake up. I might be set off by a random stranger’s manicure or how their engagement ring sits on their finger.

I might wish I could take myself to Starbucks. I have my permit, I just choose not to drive because I don’t feel comfortable in the snow. Having service providers, that’s taken care of, and it’s much less stressful for me and how I see the world around me with said damage from my brain.

I could go into that in a lot more detail but Dr. Daniel Amen, who you can find on social media discusses that in more detail, linked later.

My Anxiety and Depression started in 5th grade, around 10. If not earlier when it came to standardized testing, like a simple spelling test in 1st grade. I would get sick and the nurse would call my mom.

She would bring me home and all of a sudden, I would have this huge sigh of relief. I believe it’s a cause that I am never not in fight or flight in my nervous system.

Again, with the brain damage and constant pain, I grew a threshold of what I could and could not tolerate. A test was enough stress with the stimuli in the classroom, even with testing accommodations, I struggled.

When the other kids were finishing before me, for example, I simply could not process and deal with the ruffle of papers, putting up the folders so kids couldn’t cheat. I felt suffocated by the room I was in.

When these moments are coupled with change when I enter middle school, the change in friends, the way I viewed my body, hormones, and my brain damage, in general, make a difference in my everyday life. 

Over time, my anxiety consumed me. I went from a friendly, happy-go-lucky kid to living with an eating disorder triggered by a dairy allergy. Matched with the isolation when my peers started to play sports.

I would make myself sick because I became too overwhelmed to even leave my house, which is considered agoraphobia and a deep state of depression.

I would not leave my bedroom except to wander to the bathroom. I was consumed with worry, that my fragile little body would not make it to the bathroom in time. 

A doctor in middle school even questioned if I was adopted, my mom tans easily and I was very low on Vitamin D.

Fear made it so that all of middle and high school I would cry all the time and have self-injurious tendencies. Not to a degree where I was bleeding profusely from my wrists. I would take coat hangers, picture frame glass, and anything that would give me a sensory output so the chaos around me would stop, I would find and hurt myself until I could regulate my breathing.

I know now I was seeking a release from the pressure I put on myself to be okay all the time. Happiness is a challenge because I wake up with a deep amount of grief from the woman I could have been if nothing happened. Every milestone a person meets with a diagnosis changes the perspective on how wonderful life is.

On the other hand, it’s equally devastating to miss those moments. I just never allowed myself the space to hold those feelings in the moment they happened. I was still lucky enough to be a part of things that people wish for every day.

I still was involved in homecomings, as a cheerleader and voted on the court. I went to both junior and senior proms. I was involved in every single thing my community offered. I made my mother a taxi driver. I was somehow able to balance every hospital visit and trip to the doctor’s office with finding time to do homework and be at a chorus concert.

The amount of energy it takes to make this experience look easy to the naked eye is a fragile balancing act.

The ease I am referring to is I have always been grateful to be the one to say “I have air in my lungs, on my own. I’m good.” I have my faith in God. There was a reason I was chosen to live like this simply because I can be strong when I need to.

Being strong doesn’t mean not being able to walk as well or as far as others, process information to simply, write this. To grieve if my body worked my capabilities to dance and hear music may have led me to Julliard. I always send myself back to “I’m good”.

I have clothes on my back, food in my belly, love from my family, and a roof over my head. These things don’t outweigh the suffering I take to my pillow at night. That is where my suffering lands though, for the most part, I am so happy this is my journey. It’s a destiny. 

Keep in mind, it was not ever, that I wasn’t getting help. Doctors simply didn’t have answers and my parents knew also to give space for what is your teenage years. They are hard for everyone.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my worst, I would hurt myself so I had an escape and a release. There are points where I feel so out of control in my body that even breathing is a task. I hold my breath. 

In truth, I have night terrors about what my funeral would be like, who would show up? Would I be missed? Would people come out of the woodwork when I was gone? If I left this body here would I hurt less? I battle every single day with loss. Your mind begins to play tricks on you. 

I never came to a place where I had to grapple with those feelings because I got help, it just was a long road to getting answers. I got to a place with my family where it wasn’t just teenage angst. In high school, I got medicine and a therapist. That helped for a while. 

For all I knew through high school and college, it was a bandaid. I was still unhappy deep down, these behaviors continued in private. I tried to taper independently in 2014, in college and I still had no control over my emotions that it was too hard.

When I moved home in 2016 I spent that year finding myself and then got approved for state services. In 2017, that helped because I was able to have in-home services and the freedom to leave and go out.

During this time I began getting sick. I would sweat profusely, be nauseous, and feel like passing out simply grocery shopping. I would return home and sleep.

Any time I was stressed or felt like I couldn’t handle it, I would hurt myself, but it was suppressed because the medication dulled the pain and made me sleepy. So I would sleep. A LOT. 

Suicidal thoughts never go away. Really, I have found, it’s a decision to be happy every day. God put me here in this body to provide knowledge of this journey. I truly believe that he puts things in your path and doesn’t make mistakes. You can choose to communicate your needs and advocate for yourself until you’re heard.

Since 2021, with a push from my experience, I passed through the pandemic where everything got even worse. I finally decided to see if the dose of the medication I was on was the cause of these other body systems failing me.

I‘ve come out of medicine and turned my life completely on its head because I advocated for myself after 14 years of medicine, it no longer served its purpose. It was hurting me still. I was on a large dose in respect to others through research I had done.

As previously stated, I was always tired, sweaty, nauseous, couldn’t see, and had heart palpitations. It took a good four years to say to my medical team I wanted to be done with medicine.

I’m happy to share those parts because I know there are people who need medical intervention. This is not to say medication does not work. This is me saying that you can heal holistically too.

Below I will share what I believe to be the reason I have motivation every day to be okay and when I’m not. I discuss it with those who are trained to understand, have been through the issue itself, or a just simply a part of my life because they love me.

I do not fault how I was raised to not wallow in sadness as the sole reason I did those things to myself. I have made peace that I am an emotional and empathetic human.

No parent wants to see their child suffer. No sibling wants to bear the thought that their little sister doesn’t have what they have because she can’t. That’s not how she was made. I had to discover who I am, not asleep and watching life pass me by.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Things started to turn around after COVID-19. I made friends on TikTok. One of them had cerebral palsy himself and it changed how I saw myself. He said, “It’s okay not to be okay.” I had to sit with that, meditate with it.

He took a lot of what I always was told I wasn’t allowed to do and said “Try and see… you can. You did that, not me.”. I became close with his friends, who play soccer professionally, and they really gave me the space and the goals to grow and change.

Some examples of that are flying for the first time, walking six miles, seeing fireworks and not having a medical event in the process alongside my personal assistant who was there through it all. I would not be the woman I am without her. Amongst her own skills in her profession, she is constantly helping me grow to try new things. 

But being there, there’s not a nicer feeling than someone asking to carry your walker up a flight of stairs, or when you take a picture to say hey, I’m right behind you, I got you.

Friendship that was built over an app, where you can livestream your day. I went from being alone to laughing, feeling included and I am a lot more relaxed knowing someone would climb a fence to see me, and support me when someone says I’m too slow.

It was with their support and they will say in complete shock, that I tried something. Something I had always wanted to do was run. It’s something I see in my dreams and I truly never tried because It was always advised against.

Since third grade, I wanted to do the steeplechase. This makes more sense to say, Nick is a 3x paralympic gold medalist with USA para track and field, living with CP himself.

I know I will never be that fast. The conversations we had though, led me to a place where it held space for me to change. Not because I want to beat him, not because I feel like my Olympic dreams have sailed because I’m 29.

It’s because of those six words he shared with me and anyone he impacts. I’m not that special. I just heard what he said. This actually worked. I listened to every interview, watched every video, and sat with the feelings he brought into my heart because he had been through it.

I didn’t have to be someone that I wasn’t around him or his friends and because of his friends, I built friendships with individuals that are desensitized to a stigma that is often correlated with disability.

I know I am determined, but the lightbulb did not click until June 26, 2021. That I was capable of having a release where I would not hurt myself I could heal myself.

It was a change I had to make 100 percent on my own, with support and cooperation.

However, those six words saved me. The call came from inside the house if you will. The push from the online community and how excited they are to see me thrive and try. 

I learned that I could run for myself. It was going to hurt, look different, and take time, but I could. Now I run every day to get that feeling out of my body, I didn’t successfully do so until March 2022.

I’ve since come off medication and I haven’t harmed myself in close to 800 days.

Those conversations gave me peace to know that I came from a place where things had to be okay, all the time because I have so much good in my life that there only needs to be five minutes of space for the sad times.

My life isn’t bad. It’s just different. In moments where I didn’t have a concrete plan of attack for anything I did, the first time around. I felt like I couldn’t admit to myself or others that I wasn’t ok. If you are not, that is completely okay and the situation will eventually change. “It’s okay to not be okay.”

I feel like I need to give credit to where that came from so here it is. Tiktok, those guys, and the ladies I met along the way. I can act like my true self because my needs are considered, I’m included, even from miles away, and I’m rallied for and prayed for.

They make it so things feel normal even if it is through a phone. We rarely are together in person. However, across the country, they’re all eating dinner, at night and just want a sense of community themselves.

When they’re flying to different cities and in different places it’s something that keeps us connected, so the app is just a way we all keep and touch and get to laugh with each other. The group of them is solid. 

In closing, they are people that I have the pleasure to stand behind. Unwavering support not only as the Whole USA on a track listening to the national anthem. I will always choose to rally for them, I am still here because of that pivotal moment. As far as Australia. From places such as South Carolina & where ever they end up professionally.

So to Nick, because of you, I am motivated to stay up and running and give myself peace when many others simply can’t comprehend how this feels every day, you will forever be someone that I wish nothing but success and have my respect. I hope I get the chance to run beside you one day.

To Jimmy, out in Maryland, there’s no better guy to slice a watermelon than you. Noah Pilato, I will forever be grateful for that very first barricade hop. I’ve never had someone run towards me so fast.

Noah Franke, thanks for staying awake from streaming video games and teaching me how to play even if I struggle to hold a controller. Lachlan, you went vegan. I’m sure you love that I share all my recipes with you!

Greenville Triumph Soccer Club, USL1, Thank you for your continued love and support from all your players and staff. It makes me delighted to know I have a place to have a safe, fun time.

Thank you because those experiences pushed me to change and heal and laugh and smile again, to breathe and know someone is a text away. 

Below I’ll discuss how I have been able to be 15 weeks clean, walk a mile, and work on sprinting the 200 meter. Not for anyone else but for me and for my brain.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

There are at least 10 consistent things that help me. Everything I know I learned from my family. Mom, Dad, Erin, Matt, Matty, Maeve, Erica, Dennis, Logan and Landon, Mike Gina, and Brinley. Thank you for making me home safe and keeping me grounded. Loving me where I was every day.

Second, I take vitamins. A multivitamin but in specific, B6, 12, Vitamin C, Zinc, including getting outside with real vitamin D. Personal shoutout to magnesium for relaxation and muscle recovery.

Third, the gym, my gym!!!!! To Nate and Tonya for taking the chance. Even though Nate has known me forever. It’s a huge undertaking. My trainers Caleb and Christian, that learned everything they could about CP and walking and spent time with me and the equipment, and made it a safe social environment. Thank you Max Level Fitness and Althetics.

The fourth step, my therapist, Brandi who provides stretch and circulation to my body for some sense of relief thank you. 

Fifth, to Carly, my business mentor who helped me create YHDB, I owe you one! For giving me the space to learn and trust my intuition.

Six. Dr. Rhonda, thank you for providing the medical care I need to safely taper and be a voice of reason for my feelings, all of them. Also having that exact same statement in your office.

Seven, my personal assistant Mariah, who takes me everywhere, for the goal of an independent life ahead- you push me to be a better friend and human every day, I love you.

Eight, My service dog, Dewey. I love you more than words can quantify. Without you, I wouldn’t get out of bed.

Nine, God, for this I know was my destiny. Romans 5 3:5.

And lastly, ten: Hope that one day, become day one with the love of my life, the empire I build, and the wishes I have to be a wife and a mom. I have so much hope for the future. I can see what happiness looks like now.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In truth, I hesitate to talk about this with anyone other than my family and Dr. Rhonda Fein because of the nature of the subject matter. I want to be respectful, that some people need more help than others, or that someone knows the right thing to do for each person.

I think I have gotten more comfortable over the years with owning it. I was on a separate podcast about it before. Mental well-being is a heavy topic.

I had access to help, people saw signs but also medical professionals gave me clearance to taper to see if everything would calm down and it did. In truth, change comes from within. You have to do it for yourself. You have to want to try and see where you’re at.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

That you’re the only person that can change your thoughts about how you feel. Happiness is a choice. You can still be desired, disabled, and someone’s friend. I thrive off of steadfast friendship.

People will leave you and people change. It’s bound to happen. If you can be that person for someone else because you’re secure in your discernment. Then, be that for others. I can say now, that I know every part of me. I am successful because I trust myself.

I know that those people mentioned in this interview are there to communicate, cooperate, be a source of motivation, bring peace, promote laughter, and garner hope. The goal to help boils down to feeling safe communicating what you need and evolving into your best self.

The biggest takeaway is I needed help until my brain chemistry matured. I very well might need medicine again. At another point in my life, all of that is ok, I will be ok. What wasn’t okay was when I wasn’t getting relief from what was supposed to help.

Resulting in, harming other body systems. I hope that doctors communicate with patients they see fit to change or limit the use of medicine. what I needed at 14 was not the same as what I needed at 28. Or the future. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Viktor Frankl’s “Man Search for Meaning” “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
• Dr. Daniel Amen. 
• Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder by Gabor Mate. 
• 3x paralympic medalist Nick Mayhugh can be found here.
• Therapy
• I have to thank TikTok as it opened a world up to people who understood me and allowed me to reach people I’ve made friends.
• Determination is key too. You just keep going.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me here on my LinkedIn or find me @yourhotdisabledbestie on Instagram.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Cerebral Palsy Impacts My Mental Health And How I Find Happiness Nonethelss appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Howdy! I’m Sam Russell. I live in Los Angeles, CA. Originally from Austin, TX, L.A. has been my home for two decades.

Anyone from my youth would paint me as an optimistic dreamer with a gentle heart. It’s that foundation of empathy that would be the catalyst for my unique career and, at the same time, explain why strict boundaries needed to be put in place.

The owner of Page Parkes Talent Agency scouted me as a model in my mid-20s. I was the maître d at a posh bistro in Houston, TX. Behind the scenes, Vickie Snow noticed my natural flair for fashion and groomed me to become a fashion stylist. I relocated to Southern California before the turn of the century to advance my career. 

Hollywood locals know me as a personal shopper, fashion stylist, and founder of The Giving Closet. To keep my balance in my spare time, I contribute travel columns to various outlets and disappear into different resorts around the US.

My truest passion is The Giving Closet. We’ve seen up close what a new wardrobe boost can do for celebrities, but what about everyday women with unique stories of perseverance?

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I’ve battled depression, suicidal thoughts, and low self-esteem starting at about the age of 13. As a teenager, I tried to take my life twice. What therapists would label as “mental health” issues—as I’ve aged and grown perspective in my life, I would have to disagree wholeheartedly. Unstable environments and adults that failed to protect me from predators were the sole contributors to my unstable years. 

Molested as a young child by my uncle, my birth father was plotting to kill my immediate family, and every adult seemed powerless to protect me. If my dad had not died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 33, I’m not sure I would still be here today.

His clearing from this planet and a strange white light that appeared around me during a car crash two years later would be sneak previews of a narrative that’s only started to make sense to me as I’ve grown perspective.

Leaving Texas for Hollywood was not just my career playground but also the uncomfortable route to altering my DNA karmic tale.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

My worst moments were definitely my teenage years. I struggled to articulate everything I had experienced and consciously chose to repress many severe memories. In retrospect, it was my only survival tool.

None of my friends growing up were aware of any of my internal struggles. Those would come up later in life, starting in my late 30s.

My curiosity for spirituality and protection from what I “couldn’t see” started after that fateful night in Austin, TX. Barely out of high school, I was at the end of a long day as a waiter for a local eatery, Lone Star Cafe. I declined an offer to go drinking with some coworkers and headed home. On a dry, clear night, I didn’t notice a small white car stalled on the interstate highway in a dark spot with no hazards on.

At the eleventh hour, I swerved at 60 mph and hit all surrounding barriers—missing the parked car entirely. As I came to, I noticed a white light around me. Everything smashed into the vehicle and around me, yet I was untouched. “Was I dead?” I asked myself. No angels arrived.

Through the smoke, I could see a panicked Hispanic family. They thought I was dead and sped off, crying, leaving me there alone.

I removed my seat belt and kicked the driver’s side door open. Jumping out, when I looked back, the space I was just in didn’t make sense. Damaged beyond repair, it was impossible that I had been sitting in that spot. That white light disappeared the moment I caught my bearings. 

The EMS on scene minutes later cleared me with a breathalyzer test and swore I had been thrown from the car, yet were perplexed that I had walked away without a scratch.

All the years I thought I had no protection were uniquely challenged.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Yes! In two phases, really. One, after that car accident. My introduction to anything related to Buddhism, Christianity, New Age Thinking, or good old fashion southern Baptism was limited. I was a clean slate and privately asked the universe for guidance.

Standing in a friend’s closet helping her move/pack, we were in a deep conversation about my recent car accident when Shirley MacLaine’s book “Out on a Limb” fell from a top shelf and into my lap. 

The second phase was in 2007 when I was attacked by an abusive, drunk narcissist ex and realized I had to apply healthier boundaries to avoid getting caught up in those kinds of predicaments again.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

My steps involved an aggressive look at my inner dialogue. It’s a place I’ve always started, and I consider myself very self-aware. Too much ego kills talent and your connection to everyone—so please don’t confuse the two. It’s not a place of high self-esteem.

Separate from judgment and ego is another voice inside of us.

A thirst for knowledge points anyone on the right path to understanding their unique circumstances. Nothing is permanent, and our lives shouldn’t be stagnant. 

I was never a melancholy child, and I never lacked personality or creative ideas. If the environment is a large factor in feeling off balance, start looking at that bluntly.

“The Artist Way” and “The Courage to Heal” are sublime books. “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” is very thought-provoking. These books continued my journey in trying to understand my place in this complex puzzle..aka..life.

Ernest Holmes’ book “Science of the Mind” has always stayed with me, and to be honest, I’ve yet to finish it.

I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In 2011, I started developing my traveling passion project, The Giving Closet. Interviewing nonprofits and finding cancer survivors and single moms reentering the workforce is a safe space to communicate with other “survivors.”

Taking community with these types of souls has permitted me to speak about my personal traumas. Shame dies in safe places, so only share your trauma when you’re in a place that’s 100% safe. Not 80% and not 90%, strictly 100%.

That could be in therapy, AA, or with a close friend or family member who relates or has deep empathy for your journey. Not all therapists are compassionate, and I’ve had more than one therapist challenge my positivity.

If my journey can help one or two people, then it’s worth sharing. Not all news out of Hollywood is bad.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You’re the absolute hero or heroine of your story. The ability to believe that even just a dollop of hope on a cloudy, grey energy kind of day can drastically alter the choices you make and the life you live.

It can and should start with your inner dialogue. Choosing thoughts that lift you and empower you doesn’t cost a dime. But paying it forward internally has to be done consistently.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

That’s an easy two-part answer. Watching Revenge Body online, I discovered Body by Simone. I was drawn to how she spoke to her clients; the wisdom is palatable.

Melanie Tonia Evans on social media is a must for discussion of healthier boundaries and healing after a narcissistic ex. The advice is relatable, and her personal experience with a dangerous ex lays the groundwork for transparent transformative healing.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about my passion project here.

I’ve traveled with Stevie Wonder, prepped Jon Hamm for his 1st magazine cover as the TV show Mad Men launched, BBQ’ed with The Pfeiffer Sisters and David E. Kelley, head stylist for TLCs Ten Years Younger Season 4, and had a photo shoot with actor/director/activist Sophia Bush during a major earthquake on the top floor of a suite at the Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica.

To say it’s been a whirlwind isn’t an exaggeration. Find my adventures on social media: GivingSam on Instagram and Twitter.

Photography credit goes to Bobby Quillard Photography and Bret J. Green Photography.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Inner Dialogue and Spirituality Helped Me Overcome Depression & Suicidal Thoughts appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Mary Addison Yates and I like to be addressed by my first and middle name, MaryAddison. I’m a South Carolina native and have lived there most of my life, with the exception of three years in TN from the ages of 13-16.

I’m the second to oldest of five siblings, soon-to-be ex-wife, and co-parent with the father of our amazing 11-year-old boy/girl twins. I was a dental assistant for 20 years until 2020 when I had the courage to discover my passion and became an ICF certified life coach.

I’m extremely passionate about sharing my experience, strength, and hope to help people feel connected, seen, and heard. It is my belief that each and every human that is brought into existence is beautifully and uniquely created on purpose, for a purpose. Our life is evidence of our inherent worthiness; we do NOT have to earn it.

Feeling happy ebbs and flows for me depending on my inner state of being, outer circumstances, and attitude, but I can always find something to be grateful for. I feel the happiest when I have taken care of myself first, am fully present in the moment, and am focused on serving others.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I believe my struggles are a conglomeration of my DNA, my life experiences, how they affect me, and whether I have the awareness to address them. My greatest challenge was not knowing I was worthy of love due to experiencing emotional neglect as a child.

I experienced anxiety, panic attacks, and addiction for 16 years. I experience chronic musculoskeletal pain due to scoliosis, mood swings, brain fog, and fatigue due to perimenopause, poor working memory, time blindness, inattention, and hyperfocus due to ADHD. I am currently experiencing a cycle of depression due to having a major depressive disorder.

My earliest memory is of me desperately seeking evidence that my existence mattered. I felt unseen and unheard; invisible. The emotional pain was so intense I found a way to store all my feelings in my gut and disassociate from my body.

I had a constant stream of thoughts running through my mind. I used people-pleasing and strove for an undefined version of perfectionism in an attempt to feel useful and worthy of love.

I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation around age 14, started taking anti-depressants, and began therapy. I was also introduced to drugs and alcohol around that time, and it was a way to quiet the constant noise in my head.

At some point I crossed an invisible line that took me from recreational use to not having a choice whether I was going to drink and do drugs, it was only a matter of when I would again; no matter how many times I swore to myself that I was going to stop.

When I was younger, I worked extremely hard in school to make good grades but it was extremely challenging for me. Either I was undiagnosed with ADHD or I was unaware of it. Either way, I didn’t think I was as smart as everyone else because schoolwork seemed so much more difficult for me.

As I got older, I thought I was lazy, unmotivated, and irresponsible. I would start many projects but had a hard time finishing them. Trying to manage a job, household, and motherhood seemed so overwhelming and I judged myself extremely harshly. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I was so used to people-pleasing and masking my pain, that most people didn’t seem to notice that I was extremely depressed. Eventually, I barely went around people who cared about me.

In my darkest moments, I wanted my life to end. I was drinking so heavily on a daily basis, I would black out (be awake and functioning but have no memory of what I did) and behave in demoralizing and dangerous ways.

When I would wake up and learn about what I had done the night before from someone else, I was so ashamed of myself. I hated who I had become, it was a vicious cycle and a living hell.

Yet, somehow I was able to become a dental assistant when I was 20 years old. I could only keep a job for 1-3 years before I let my anger and resentment slip out and get fired for being disrespectful to my bosses.

I was a really hard worker and could hide my feelings for a while so I was always able to get a new job. I wasn’t able to recognize that I needed help because I didn’t see myself as the stereotypical addict begging for money, living in an abandoned house or under a bridge somewhere.

I met my future husband when I was 26 but I never felt truly connected to him. I felt just as invisible to him as I did to everyone else. When we decided we wanted to have children, by some miracle, I was able to abstain from drinking just before and during my pregnancy.

I coped by being very controlling, a shopaholic, and a workaholic. The twins were born when I was 31 and postpartum depression led me back to the only solution I thought I had: drinking. 

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment I recognized that I’d rather be drinking than taking care of my babies was simultaneously the most horrifying and most wonderful moment of my life.

It was at that point that I was given the gift of desperation, to do something different. I met with my therapist and she recommended that I attend a 12-step recovery meeting.

I was terrified but I was determined to figure out how to overcome my pain and addiction. For 32 years I felt lost and broken. Twelve-step recovery was the beginning of a life I never even dreamed could be possible.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

After I was aware that I had a problem, that I needed help, and became willing to seek it. Being a part of a 12-step program gave me a group of people who could relate to my experiences and feelings. It gave me hope and showed me that it was possible to get better.

Having a mentor help me through the process of the 12 steps taught me how to become aware of my thoughts and actions, to understand what I could and couldn’t control, how to be responsible and accountable, and how to connect with and rely on a Higher Power- who loves me unconditionally.

Treating my disease of addiction is something I focus on, daily. It has been one of the key elements that have allowed me to practice acceptance and experience moments of happiness and joy every single day.

Understanding how ADHD affects the way my brain works has been a huge part of learning to love and accept myself. I now understand that ADHD is a superpower that I can work with vs. trying to do things in a neurotypical way and feeling like a failure.

One of the things I learned was that I am not necessarily motivated by what is important, I’m motivated by what is either urgent or interesting to me. I can use this information to ensure I have a specific deadline to complete a task and/or gamify anything that’s boring or mundane to me.

For example, grocery shopping is a monotonous task that I would avoid, but I can gamify it by setting a time limit for how long it can take for me to get everything I need and check out.

Before I go, I can write the list in order of the way the store is laid out and when I’m there I get to find the quickest ways around other people to try and beat the time I set for myself.

I continue seeing a therapist to help me process past events and emotions. Currently, I am seeing a therapist that uses a technique that allows me to express and process my emotions.

I have also learned to use EFT Tapping (emotional freedom technique), a mind-body therapy that involves tapping key acupressure points on the hands, face, and body with your fingertips while focusing on uncomfortable feelings or concerns, and using positive affirmations to neutralize those feelings.

It’s critical to utilize my psychiatrist to manage my medication for depression. It’s been my experience that depression is a process of gradual decline and oftentimes it is hard to notice until I’ve gotten to the point of hopelessness.

I just recently recognized that I was suffering from depression again. Having someone who knows my history and is able to ask the right questions to assess my levels of depression is vital for me.

To support my physical body, I see an integrative medical practitioner to help monitor and treat any nutritional and hormonal abnormalities. I also see a chiropractor and massage therapist on a regular basis to manage my chronic pain.

I also have daily self-care practices that ensure I make time to nurture my mind, body, and spirit. Sleep, hydration, movement, Epsom salt baths, meditation, mindfulness, time in nature, feeling my feelings, giving myself compassion, reaching out to others, and making time for creativity are some ways I increase my ability to experience happiness.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I am an open book. I truly believe my darkest experiences as well as my moments of joy and happiness are equally important and necessary to experience life fully in its entirety.

If I can help one person feel that their experience is relatable and recognize that they are not alone, and that there’s hope that they, too can experience happiness, I will feel fulfilled. We all want to feel like we matter, want to be seen, heard, and in connection with our humanity.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Find something to be grateful for. One of the most powerful tools I have is gratitude. I am NOT advocating for you to ignore your struggles or to try to be positive all the time, this can be very damaging. Instead, I like to acknowledge, validate and express my feelings to myself and then I search for something to be grateful for.

When I first started my gratitude practice, I would write down three things I was grateful for each day. It wasn’t easy, but before long the list would fill my entire page and now it’s almost automatic. I can honestly say that even through challenging times, I am extremely grateful that I now understand I am worthy of love, and have the ability to advocate for my well-being.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was an incredibly eye-opening and useful resource that helped me understand what codependency was, losing oneself in the name of helping another, understanding that I am powerless to change anyone but myself and that caring for myself is where healing begins.
• The book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown revolutionized my understanding of worthiness. It was the catalyst that began my journey to practice courage, compassion, and connection with others. It is a book I will read over and over again because I always learn something new depending on how I’ve processed the concepts since the last time I read it. 
• The podcast ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka is the number one tool I recommend to women who have been diagnosed with ADHD and women that I suspect have ADHD but are undiagnosed or unaware. It is the most empowering show I have found that focuses on the strengths of ADHD and shares other women’s relatable experiences. It helped me understand the signs and symptoms that women with ADHD experience and I stopped shaming myself for the brain I was gifted with!
• The app Insight Timer is my go-to app for thousands of guided meditations, sound healing music, courses, and more. The free version is packed with value. You can search by any topic and filter by rating score or length of time. I especially love it for my afternoon naps!

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Learn about my coaching practice, speaking events, podcast interviews, and more on my website.

Find my story in the Amazon best-selling book Magnetic Abundance: Stories of those who have tuned to their heart’s mission.

Feel free to reach out via email, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

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Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How the 12-Step Program and Therapy Helped Me Deal With Addiction, Depression & ADHD appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! I’m Andrea Blindt. I’m a wife, mom to six kiddos, two who died five days after they were born, and four who are alive and full of energy earth-side. A registered nurse, holistic health practitioner, Rapid Transformational Therapist, author, and speaker. I wear many hats and I love each one!

I live in sunny Southern California with my family and our golden retriever Enzo. In my spare time I enjoy reading, working with my hands, dating my husband, playing with my kids, and traveling.

I am honestly living my dream life and I can’t even believe that’s a true statement! My life wasn’t always happy, so to be where I am today, surrounded by people I love doing what I love to do feels surreal.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggled with debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, and depression for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a home where abuse was all I knew. This caused me to believe that I was unworthy, unlovable, and flawed at my core. As a child, I thought, “If I just fix myself I will be lovable.” I watched my mom’s behavior and anticipated all of her needs.

I learned her triggers and avoided them at all costs. Living in that constant state of panic caused anxiety to course through my veins, and after years of working to earn my mother’s love to no avail, I became deeply depressed.

I began looking for love outside of my mother and found it caring for others. I pulled weeds for neighbors, cleaned their homes, and babysat their children. The praise I received began to fill my cup up and I formed a new belief, one that told me I was worthy of love and that it came from my behavior and acts of service.

This led me to a career in nursing where I was loved by my patients and colleagues. Not only was I loved, but I was praised for my wisdom, excellence, and skill. Patients requested me by name and trusted me to care for their loved ones. I felt on top of the world and began to believe that my life was massively improving.

I didn’t carry my past with me like a badge of honor, rather I avoided it at all cost and fully leaned into my new life.

I met a man who seemed nice and I accepted his proposal when it came a few months into our courtship. I was really beginning to believe that I was lovable, worthy, and capable of living an amazing life.

I was determined to live a great life. To have kids and to show them love, stability, and worth. I was so excited to become a mother, but instead, I struggled to conceive. I worked with multiple fertility specialists, underwent numerous surgeries, and experienced two miscarriages.

The joy and hope I had once felt began to fade quickly and the old beliefs I’d hidden at my core began to crop up again. I started to believe that I wasn’t worthy of becoming a mother. I told myself that God loved everyone but me when I saw women who didn’t want children conceiving. And before I knew it the depression was back.

I continued to pursue motherhood and was anxious each time I received a not pregnant message, and then after another complicated round of fertility treatments, I became pregnant with twins.

I was so afraid I would have a miscarriage that I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide for the duration of the pregnancy. I was so nervous about the pregnancy ending that I forgot to celebrate its beginning.

As the weeks passed and my babies continued to grow safely in my womb I began to exhale. Hope grew within me and I started to believe that I was really going to become a mom.

I started celebrating the big milestones and captured my growing belly with weekly bump photos. I registered for baby gifts and soaked in my family and friends’ love as they showered me and my babies with goodies. I decorated their nursery. Life felt good again and I was grateful until I was forced to deliver my twins prematurely and they died five days later.

My heart was broken but continued to beat. My lungs were deflated but continued to fill with air. Memories flooded my mind but couldn’t be rescued. The world continued to spin, but for me, it stopped when their hearts did.

I watched as two nurses carried my still-warm babies down to the dark cold morgue, and I wept. Pain seeped from my marrow and evaporated off my skin.

The depression returned stronger than ever and I craved death like an addict craves its next hit.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I had panic attacks anytime I saw a pregnant woman. I imagined her baby dying and it caused my heart to ache for her, so I began spending my days isolated from the world around me, too afraid to go outside.

I stopped working as a nurse because I didn’t even have the ability to care for myself.

I stopped talking to my family and friends because I felt like they didn’t understand me and couldn’t relate to my pain.

I lost the career I loved, my babies, and the future I had envisioned. It was a very dark place to exist, and after a failed suicide attempt I found myself in therapy working through the past I’d done my best to escape.

My desire to become a mother was still there, and as I began to heal I allowed myself to envision bringing a living baby home. I didn’t know how or when that would happen, but the hope of holding a baby in my arms was enough to keep me moving forward.

Unfortunately, my medical providers told me that my body was too weak to carry a future pregnancy, so I looked into adoption and surrogacy. When those routes left me empty handed I searched for a care team that was willing to believe in me.

After another round of fertility treatments, I was pregnant. During my 6-week ultrasound, I saw the beautiful flicker of my baby’s heart beating within my womb and I hoped it would continue. I was placed on bedrest immediately due to a subchorionic hemorrhage which is a really scary way to describe a pool of blood surrounding the baby, and I prayed my baby would survive.

At 13 weeks I underwent major abdominal surgery to place a band beneath my uterus that would strengthen my body’s ability to safely carry my baby to full term.

I was in and out of the hospital with preterm labor and my doctors prepared me for another early delivery. I was scared out of my mind and felt all alone.

I did my best to release the fear and anxiety I had so that I could embrace the gift that this baby was, but it was a daily struggle for me.

When I rolled into the OR for my scheduled delivery I prayed that my baby would live. My body vibrated on the operating table as fear shook me. I smelt my flesh burning and could feel the doctors tugging at my skin as they worked to get my baby safely out, and then when she was removed I held my breath and waited for her to cry. The room was quiet and I began to cry.

I heard the doctors talking about my baby being much smaller than she should have been, and then they began discussing her umbilical cord. Despite all the ultrasounds and close monitoring I had during my pregnancy, my doctors failed to notice that my baby had a velamentous cord.

This is where the umbilical cord doesn’t connect to the placenta correctly. It can lead to issues with growth, bleeding, and even contribute to a baby not surviving delivery.

The doctors told me that she was small but that she was lucky to have survived. I was beside myself with emotion as I took everything in. After waiting for what felt like an eternity I was able to hold her, and when I did it was the best feeling I’d ever experienced in my life.

I never wanted to put her down. I was elated to have a living baby, but I was also anxious about everything that could go wrong. I knew firsthand what it felt like to have a child die and I never wanted to feel that pain again.

I was full of joy and awe as I watched her grow, but I also struggled with feelings of sadness as I acknowledged all the firsts I’d missed out on with my twins. It was such an odd experience. I felt like I was living in two worlds, with alternate realities and I did my best to navigate the two.

Life felt brighter with my daughter in it and I began to feel happy again. My husband and I purchased our first home, and we decided to add another baby to our family.

The pregnancy ended up being even more high risk than my prior ones and I was placed in the hospital for six weeks. Depression and anxiety returned as my young daughter bounced between family and friends during my absence. I missed her terribly and my body ached without her presence, but I pushed forward knowing that each day I stayed pregnant brought us one day closer to our baby.

My husband and I grew apart during this time as he managed his emotions in ways that negatively impacted our family, and before I knew it I found myself afraid, sad, and all alone again.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant my uterus ripped. I was rushed into an emergency c-section where my baby and I almost died. The entire experience was traumatic, but for the first time in my life instead of feeling sad or scared, I felt hope, happiness, and excitement.

My husband and I divorced and I thrived as a single mother. I gave thanks daily for the beautiful gift of my children in my life, and I began to dig deeper into healing my mind and body.

I let myself off the hook for selecting and marrying my ex-husband, and I acknowledged the reason for doing so. Understanding this was a pivotal point in my healing journey. I realized that he fulfilled the need I had to feel lovable, and I vowed never to make that mistake again.

I started to feel amazing, like an anchor had been removed and everything was smooth sailing. I met my now husband and began to believe in happy endings. Things felt safe, secure, and solid until suddenly they didn’t.

Fear, anxiety, and panic returned as I discovered I was pregnant. My fallopian tubes were blocked so my doctor prepared me for emergency surgery. I was sad to be away from my children again, but also in awe that I had been able to conceive at all.

Before heading into surgery the doctor placed the ultrasound probe on my abdomen. The room became quiet as a grainy black-and-white image appeared on the computer monitor beside me. Two black blobs stood out to me. I gasped as the doctor pulled the ultrasound wand off my stomach. “I saw two sacs!” I yelled as hot tears slid down my cheeks.

My poor husband shifted in his seat clueless as to what was happening while the doctor’s face grew pale, and his mouth draped open.

“There appear to be two sacs, and they are both in your uterus, not your fallopian tubes.” The shock was palpable as the doctor went on to discuss all the things that could go wrong. Since the pregnancy was still very early it was highly likely that one or both babies would miscarry. The doctor told us to go home and return in a week to see if there was proof of life.

My husband and I practically floated out of the office on autopilot. Everything changed at that moment. We went from preparing for surgery to possibly preparing for a pregnancy. A pregnancy that we didn’t even know was possible. Two lives that may or may not exist.

It was a whirlwind as we awaited our next scan for more information. On the day of our appointment hope pumped through my body as the doctor placed the ultrasound wand on my abdomen and two heartbeats flashed across the screen.

I couldn’t believe my body had naturally conceived twins. It felt purposeful, especially after losing my first set of twins. I was hopeful but I also understood that miscarriage was still a very real possibility. I knew that if the pregnancy progressed I would be on bed rest, and I knew it would be hard, but I was excited at the miracles growing inside my body.

My euphoria faded as my doctor encouraged me to end the pregnancy. “It’s too high risk, you almost died carrying your son. Your body isn’t strong enough to carry two babies, it’s not even strong enough to carry one!” He handed my husband and me a card and urged us to act quickly, referring to my uterus as a ticking time bomb that could explode at any time causing me to bleed to death within minutes.

Instead of leaving the doctor’s office feeling excited, we left carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Dread sucked all the joy from us and we drove home in silence.

By the time we arrived home, my mind was decided. I would carry the pregnancy as long as I could, and I would trust that whatever time these babies were with me was meant to be.

My husband on the other hand didn’t like that idea. He wanted to have biological children desperately, but he wanted to have a living wife more than that. He struggled as fear polluted his mind, and he contemplated terminating one of the babies.

I refused. “I spent years trying to conceive, praying for a baby, and now that I have been gifted two you want me to say thanks for the gift but I don’t want it anymore. Or thanks for the gift I only want part of it?! There is no way I’m going to do that! I am going to carry this pregnancy as long as I can with your support or without it, although I would prefer to have you by my side”, I said with heat.

Of course, my husband put me first and stood beside me every step of the way. “I am lovable. I am worthy. I am capable of living a life I love”, I thought.

I ended up on bed rest and was placed in the hospital for weeks. I listened to meditations on my phone in order to combat the anxious thoughts in my head. My husband brought my two older children to the hospital daily to visit me and my sadness went away while they were there. I felt like I was capable of carrying these babies.

I experienced excruciating pain as my uterus stretched and threatened to tear open as my babies grew bigger each day, and then when I was 31 weeks pregnant my twins were born.

They endured daily blood draws, multiple surgeries, blood transfusions, and extensive therapy before being discharged home from the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) 106 days later.

They came home with feeding tubes in their stomachs, IV poles, feeding pumps, multiple medications, and complex medical challenges. Life felt chaotic but also peaceful. We were finally all home together, and while we were still finding our footing we were happy and confident that we could do anything as long as we did it together.

We bought and moved into a new home and finished remodeling it a few months later. We started actively creating the life we longed to live and we had so many joyful moments. Happiness surrounded us and then as it had in the past, darkness rolled in and threatened to take over.

My husband and I had just taken our places on the sofa after getting the twins down for their afternoon naps when my phone rang. It was my ex-mother-in-law. My heart lurched knowing that my two oldest children were spending the day with their dad. Dread filled my body instinctively as I scrambled to answer the phone. It was like my DNA knew something awful had happened before I did.

“There’s been an accident,” she said as I pressed the phone into my ear. “Found him in the pool.. no pulse.. we don’t know for how long..ambulance took him..” my heart beat like a caged animal against my chest and I fell to my knees as despair set in.

After gathering a few of my son’s belongings I ran out the door, my confused husband trailing behind me trying to make sense of what was happening. I felt angry, enraged if I’m being completely honest.

My ex-husband is a firefighter paramedic, he knows firsthand how critical pool safety is but he refused to protect our son. For years I begged him to install a pool gate but he refused. He laughed at me and said that I was too protective of our kids, but now our innocent son was the victim.

As I drove to the hospital not knowing if my son was alive or dead I prayed for peace. I wanted to storm into the hospital and throw my angry fists into my ex-husband’s chest, but I knew that wasn’t the energy I wanted my son to be around. I knew that in order to hope for a miracle I needed to focus on gratitude, so that’s exactly what I did. I walked into the hospital and gave thanks for the gift that my son was to me in my life.

I entered his hospital room and fell to my knees as I saw his frail body lying lifeless beneath the tubes and wires that connected him to machines. The sounds in the room became fuzzy and my only thought was that I needed to touch him. I moved towards his bed and gently scooped him into my arms. “Please be ok my Angel”, I said as tears fell from my eyes and landed on his small cheek.

I stayed that way holding his fragile body in my arms as doctors came and went, as a Chaplain prayed over him, and as God granted me another miracle before I even had the opportunity to pray for one. 

After a few days, our son came home. He had pneumonia, collapsed lungs, and was extremely weak, but he was alive. 

Gratitude poured out of me and I gave thanks for him and his life. But as the days passed the darkness and anxiety returned. I started thinking about how precious his life was, how precious all of my children’s lives were, and that eerie realization that they could die at any moment saturated my mind, drowning out the peace I once felt.

My heart raced each time a firetruck passed by our house and I would burst into tears. I began having severe panic attacks anytime my kids weren’t near me. My mind would race as worst-case scenarios flashed through it. Eventually, I stopped sleeping and hardly ate. I was struggling but didn’t know how to stop the spin cycle.

The trauma of my son’s near-death experience combined with the death of my twins, multiple high-risk pregnancies, infant twins with medical challenges, and the childhood abuse I’d survived caused me to dissociate.

Terror consumed me as I pulled my car into our driveway after returning home from a doctor’s visit and realized that I had no recollection of driving. One minute I was at the hospital, and the next I was pulling into our driveway. I did my best to recall what streets I’d taken, the freeway, the exit, red lights, anything but I couldn’t and at that moment I knew I needed help.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I began seeing a therapist again three days a week. It was painful. Some days the fear and anxiety were so debilitating I didn’t think I could go on. Depression smothered me and my thinking became distorted.

I believed that if I were dead my kids would be better off, safer, happier, and less at risk. I blamed myself for divorcing my ex-husband believing if I had remained married to him that I would have been there to protect my children. I blamed myself for my twins’ medical challenges. I blamed myself for everything, and in that space, I hated myself so much.

I fell so far into darkness that I tried to end my life. I craved the peace and finality I believed death would offer, but as I sat there imagining my children’s lives without me in it, I had an epiphany.

I realized that I was ending my life in order to help them live better lives. I loved them with every fiber of my being and I wanted them to know that I loved them, wanted them, cherished them, and absolutely adored them.

I wanted them to live full happy lives knowing that they were loved and worthy of love. I wanted them to feel joy, and experience peace. I didn’t want them to experience the same type of life I had. I wanted to shield them from pain and suffering.

I contemplated how they might feel in the aftermath of my death, and I realized that if I killed myself I would be serving them pain and suffering on a silver platter!

Instead of showing them daily that they were loved and worthy, they would be left to live their lives believing their mother chose to die because she didn’t love them enough to live. They would believe they weren’t worthy of me staying in their lives. They might even blame themselves for not being enough to save me. I realized if I died they would carry the weight of my actions with them forever.

With that realization, I felt even sadder. Stuck again between two worlds. One where peace existed after I ceased to, and one where suffering and pain were a guarantee, but that I had the ability to positively coauthor for my children. 

Death would have been easier, lighter, freer, and faster for me. But for them, it would have changed their world. Knowing that, I chose to live so that their lives would have the opportunity to be fuller. I decided to love them fiercely and to show them daily through my actions and words that they were masterpieces, loved, and worthy.

And then I realized that I couldn’t teach them something I didn’t know or believe to be true myself, so I slowly learned how to love and cherish myself. 

And that’s where the real work began. When I set my sword down and stopped fighting battles and instead cultivated beauty. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I changed everything I was doing, and I mean everything. I continued going to therapy and worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist. I did EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), EFT (emotional freedom technique), RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), hypnotherapy, and nutritional and dietary support.

I worked with a body code and emotion code practitioner. I learned transcendental meditation and utilized the gift of visualization to build the vision of the world I wished to one day live in, and I believed it was possible. I changed everything I was doing, and in doing so I found ME.

I found the little girl version of me who was all alone and instead of hating her and bullying her for not being enough I loved her for being ah-freaking-mazing. I praised her for surviving all the awful things she did, because she survived a lot of crazy hard shit, and I praised her for showing up and doing the hard work when giving up would have been understandable. 

I revised, modified, tweaked, and adjusted the things I did, the thoughts I thought, and the environment I allowed myself to grow in. I mindfully pruned away family, friends, thoughts, and behaviors that were contributing to my soul’s decay, and in doing so I witnessed new life begin to bloom.

I pruned again and again and again, and to be honest I still prune today. And my life is flourishing. I see new growth, new life, and an even bigger harvest than I ever imagined possible. And I am so freaking proud of myself.

Of course, challenges still come into my life. I’ve struggled with losing loved ones, protecting my children from toxic people and unsafe situations, and so much more. Life is painful at times, but I have chosen to continue pursuing peace instead of remaining a victim of circumstances.

I am on the lookout daily for sneaky thoughts that creep into my head, and I catch them with excitement. I don’t allow them to take root and grow. I pull them out as soon as I discover them, and then I kick them to the curb and fill the space they occupied with better-feeling thoughts and beliefs. I base my decisions off of how I want to feel and whether or not they align with my life goal. If they don’t, I don’t participate in them.

Doing this shifted my happiness so much. I do it all the time. If I am sad or feeling in a funk I get curious about what’s going on around me that might be contributing to my mood. I change the things I can, like sleep quality, nutritional intake, and environmental exposures, and I surrender the things I can’t.

I know that if I want to live in peace and experience joy in my life, I cannot sulk or be moody all day and still expect to reach my goal. So I sulk for a moment and then move towards the things that will bring me closer to my goal of peace and joy. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You can do the same thing in your life anytime you want, a million times a day if you want to until eventually you find yourself experiencing exactly what you desire. If you are struggling please know that you are not alone and that healing and hope are available.

You are loved, worthy, and capable of creating a life you love. I am living proof of that truth. No diagnosis is too final, past too messy, or future uncertain to fully live a life you love, and it can start today. There are people ready to hold a light for you until you make it through the darkness. Reach out to a friend, family member, therapist, or trusted provider for support today!

It was through this healing journey that I cultivated my current business. It’s a one-stop shop in a sense that supports medical, emotional, and spiritual healing from the inside out. It gives people their power back while instilling hope in their lives.

I created this practice because I didn’t find healing in one thing, but rather through a million little things, and I wanted to share those same resources with others so that they too could create a life they love. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• I loved Marisa Peer’s book, Tell Yourself a Better Lie: Use the Power of Rapid Transformational Therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life. 
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay showed me that I was capable of healing my life.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

To learn more about me you can go to my website: my website, follow me on Instagram @andreablindt or connect with me through email.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Successfully Battling Depression and Tragedy Upon Tragedy to Find Happiness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Jonathan. I currently live in Israel. I am unemployed, but constantly look for a job that I might be able to maintain despite my difficulties.

I have a dog and a cat. Both weren’t really mine initially, but I have a tendency to take in animals.

I’m very passionate about creativity – as a consumer of music, films, books, visual art, and also as a creator. For most of my life, I didn’t allow myself the title of ‘creator’ as I deemed myself not good enough, but I try to shift that stiff perspective.

I wouldn’t consider myself happy, but I do have moments of happiness, and I try to allow myself to immerse as much as I can in them, instead of rejecting the feeling when it comes.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Clinical depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and Binge Eating Disorder. I coped by self-medicating with alcohol and pills, and so for a few years, the problem was alcoholism. When I got sober, I became obsessed with food.

Food was always an underlying issue, though. I only found my fondness for alcohol when I was looking for alternatives to eating in my teenage years. 

The obsession over death and dying was always there. The need to disappear, to be forgotten, was always present. Food was a way to have some sense of control inside that chaos, and over the years that struggle presented itself as anorexia, binge eating, purging with exercise, self-harm, and then alcohol and pills (mostly Xanax).

It has been a daily struggle for me and for any person who was around me, who is around me. I was sucking the air out of every room I walked into, and treated others unfairly out of being so blindly obsessed with my own issues.

I lied, cheated, stole, and lied again. To others, to myself. Even people who were taking care of me – therapists, carers at rehabs, other addicts. Lies upon lies, to escape the shame.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I would fantasize about dying and vanishing off the face of the earth. The only problem I could think of was that the memory of my existence would remain after my death – and I couldn’t handle that. 

Happiness wasn’t even in my vocabulary other than a cruel word to describe the opposite of the sheer misery I felt. The misery I still feel, most days.

It was apparent to everyone that I came across. I hated their concern. The pity. Which just drove me further into shame and more using and more shame and so on. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I was drunk on the bathroom floor in a motel in Venice. It was a few weeks after a breakup, I sobered up in those few weeks as I tried to make believe that I can change and that I’m in control.

My mother saw what state I was in, and booked a flight for us to Venice. Just to get me out of that house, for some miracle to happen. 

The second night there, I relapsed and I couldn’t handle it – laying there in a foreign country, wasted and hungry, with my poor mother in the next room who paid the money she didn’t have just to try and make me feel better.

To prevent me from going through with that fantasy of dying in my room. Something broke and I asked for help, for the first time I ASKED instead of being forced into receiving help.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I’m still very far from overcoming anything, but I have almost a year of sobriety, and I feel proud of that.

I went to rehab, I failed  – and went again. I tried going to groups afterward, wasn’t my thing, so I reached out to specific people that I felt like I could trust, or at least trust enough to be able to share with them and listen when they had something to say. 

I had to stop working out and try to manage my eating for a while. I felt shittier, I looked worse – but I feel like from that came an ability I didn’t have before, which is the ability to have some wiggle room. 

Being sober or being ‘okay’ isn’t about becoming perfect. 

A lot of people expect to look better or earn more or fall in love and so on. Sure, it can happen – but those are not pillars to build yourself on, because they can fade.

You need to do an inventory with yourself or a therapist, look into who you are that brings you such shame or guilt, and start confronting that.

For me, I have to keep reminding myself that things aren’t as big as they seem in the moment. If something goes wrong, my tendency is to balloon it up to enormous proportions and then I get so anxious that I HAVE to use it. 

I think I got lucky in a twisted sense, on that bathroom floor in Venice. I’ve been drunk on floors more times than I can remember  – but that time I felt so crushingly alone that I HAD to try something else.

So it’s 50% luck, 40% determination to not go through withdrawals ever again, and 10% a realization that I never wanted drugs or alcohol or even to look good or eat yummy things. I just wanted to feel at peace.

Now I know where the peace isn’t, so I keep looking, finding glimpses, and then it’s gone again. You have to keep looking, knowing you’ll probably never find it for more than a few moments, and that it’s enough.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

A bit, some parts.

Honestly, I don’t feel able to share everything with anyone, as I’m still carrying shame around it. I did share some things in rehab, with a close friend, with my current girlfriend. 

I’ve found that it’s easier for me to open up about my alcoholism and pill abuse and not about my eating disorder. Maybe because there’s a weird romanticization of being an alcoholic, whereas food problems lack the glamor. I need to work on that.

I do not feel comfortable sharing with most of my family or people who were my friends, some of them are very religious and some would just not understand and would see it as if I’m saying they are flawed for not being able to understand, which is obviously not my intention when I share.

It’s hard if I try to do it for myself, but for some strange reason, it comes much more easily if I feel it would be for someone else’s benefit. 

It’s a cliff I’ve been living on my whole life, so if I see someone else standing there I feel compelled to share, even if my experiences are embarrassing or painful to me in a bad light (which is fair. I’ve been an arse for a long time).

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Nothing remains the same. It might look the same or feel the same – but it’s not. We are constantly shifting, inside and out, taking from and giving back to the feedback loop around us.

If you can do something that you deem helpful even just once – it’s a step that already changed you a bit. Every sip you didn’t take counts, every hobby you’ve tried gave you something.

When you fall, embrace it and try to move forward again, as impossible or pointless as it seems. I know I’d hate reading these words, but I had to write them. I hope someday you’ll be able to read them and understand why.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I read and listened to whatever I could find, from Gabor Mate to I’m Glad My Mom Died.

But honestly, it’s not about anything that anyone else can say or how much you understand about the mechanisms that move you, It’s about sitting with yourself and trying to be.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

No social media for me.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Journey From Alcoholism to 1 Year Into Sobriety and Better Mental Health appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Anything else I should have asked?

Hello! Who are you?

I live in London right now to study neuroscience. I am from another country in Asia and studied physics for a few years there but my mental illness guided me to this career change and I am grateful for that.

I have been estranged from my mother for years, but now I have recovered from the past relationship before the disease. I am single now and became more open to the potential of a relationship recently.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I innately have Autism Spectrum Disorder and had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to sexual assault when I was a freshman at University. After the first traumatic episode, I tried to forget it at all because it was too confusing about why the offender did so and what I should do. I succeeded and could forget it for a year. 

However, a similar episode happened again after a year and PTSD started off. (Yeah, I heard delayed PTSD can be more severe than a normal one.) I was a very docile person who has never resented before PTSD, but it just changed me entirely.

I started to hate all people in the world because I felt betrayed due to no help from passer-bys in the trauma. I got angry whenever I talked with a man and could not control the anger with auditory hallucinations ordering me to fight them. 

I abruptly bursted into anger and insulted my male friends. When they asked me out, my face was distorted with contempt and out of my control. (It is a sort of dissociation, I heard from a psychologist later.) They were embarrassed, but I was embarrassed more. I started to avoid men and the place where I can face many strangers not to get into my uncontrollable anger burst. 

Even when my mother touched my shoulder, I felt it was dirty and got angry for her getting me to remind the trauma. I suffered nightmares about getting raped every night and felt somatized heartache and headache. I also thought the reason why SA happened to me was because I look like a pushover. I started to imitate others to break my SA even if I felt empty indeed. 

However, I did not know it was PTSD at that time. Because I was a Christian without any psychiatric knowledge, I thought I was being punished by God due to a lack of faith like King Saul in the bible because it was the only similar psychotic symptom that I read in the bible. 

Also, I became angry about why God did not protect me. To get forgiveness and healing from God, I attended church more passionately, but the symptoms did not get better, and I got more angry with God. I remember I kept pursuing that strategy for two years after the start of PTSD. 

The Christian friends had no psychiatric knowledge at all because in my country, it was not common to get psychiatric treatment and they thought psychiatric treatment is satanic, so they did not give helpful advice, only scolding me about my bad speech and behavior, suggesting me to forgive the offender as said in bible, which was impossible for me at that time. I noticed an increase in anger whenever I went to church, so I stopped religious activity, then.

When I met a non-christian friend, I heard that she is taking psychiatric medicine due to depression and it improved. It was the first time I got to know about mental illness and I went to a psychiatrist. 

However, the psychiatrist was a man, so I did not talk about SA as I learned that talking about my trauma to a man gets me unpleasant responses through a few trials with my male friends and professors. I got diagnosed with depression and then bipolar disorder. Anyway, the medicine decreased my suicidal ideation, so it was better to live with. I think I kept taking the medicine for two years.

After two years, there was a feminist trend with the #MeToo movement in my country. From the movement, I could hear stories of other survivors of sexual assault PTSD. After searching about it, I got to know it was the PTSD symptoms that I was suffering from since the sexual assault.

However, treatment for PTSD was not that common at that time in my country, so I did not get special therapy for PTSD. I just read and heard their stories over and over, and I started reading a book about PTSD (I will specify this in the book section).

After graduating from university, I wanted to leave the city where I suffered a lot. I thought it would end if I leave this place which is full of triggers. Thus, I went to another city. It was refreshing and I became free of triggers and symptoms for a while.

However, with the appearance of a trigger which was a male colleague’s simple comment, the same as the offender gave me in the trauma, “Shall we go out for some drink?”, it started again…I cried remembering what the offender did to me and how my friends and family did not take care of me in the hardship. I could not suppress tears even at work, so I wept in the toilet. 

Whenever I met men, I could not help but be jealous of them for their superior safety over women. I needed to meet other people who can understand all these weird things. (I will continue this in the turning point section.)

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Before PTSD, I was a bookworm and loved to be alone. Especially I loved every novel. After getting PTSD, I realized that every book include romantic scenes, and I felt somatic pain in my body when I read a conversation between lovers. I could not read any novel anymore.

Even if it does not have the scene, I did not know if it would include it so I could not try it. I had spent my days only reading books before PTSD, so after losing the hobby, I did not know what to do anymore. Also, I became scared of being alone because I had no confidence to handle situations of SA if it occurs again.

Even when I was in my room, I thought some man might penetrate my room, so I became very nervous when I was alone. To avoid being alone, I started to make as many friends as possible. But I could not truly like them. It was weird but I could not trust the people I met after PTSD, but I had no other options, so I met them, suppressing horror and hatred toward them, and before any explosion of emotions, I would block their contact. 

I lost all of my friends I made before PTSD due to a dispute over my talk about it, the average period to keep a friend was about a year. They did not understand my PTSD, and I felt betrayed thinking about poverbs ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’. I thought there was no friend indeed among my friends. My personality, hobby, and lifestyle changed, so I felt I did not know who I am anymore. Even my friends and teachers meeting me after PTSD told me that I changed a lot and they liked me before PTSD. I hated hearing that. I myself liked the past either, but there was no option to go back because I was too horrified to keep myself.

I don’t know why but I was always thinking about killing others after PTSD when I was doing nothing. Sometimes, I imagined putting up a fire or a battlefield and shooting others to protect me. Also, I imagined killing the offender recklessly, which cannot come true as I cannot find out the offender due to the removal of his information after the incident. It made me feel triumpant, so I thought it was good for me. Looking back on it now, I think it only strengthened my ‘fight or flight response’, which is core mechanism of PTSD, but worsened my anxiety.

Actually, I talked about the trauma to everyone I met at first. I was always thinking that as an ASD person, I could not care about others being uncomfortable with talking about it. However, there were no friends and family to understand my situation and feelings. As an ASD person, I was gullible when SA happened, so they could not understand why I fell for the offender’s evident lie.

Also, they could not understand why I was holding on to the memory continuously. I felt as if they liked me when I was happy but they abandoned me as I became a burden. I thought it was just the same with the offender who used me for his own merit. It made me despise all of them. 

I thought this intense hatred of ‘people who were intimate before trauma’ was because my trauma is related to a lying person, but I found it is a general symptom of any PTSD. I think it is more related to the defense mechanism of the body. I could not feel any sympathy or trust in people. 

Before PTSD, my mother was the person the closest to me, but when I said about SA experience and PTSD, she did not consoled me. She just wanted me to let it pass and focus on my study. I felt betrayed by her and after getting to know PTSD, I thought if she emotionally supported me, my symptom would not be this serious and long. I thought the PTSD was partly due to her. I started to fight over it. Whenever I could not put up with the anger, I called and sweared her over and over. After the anger goes away in few hours, I regreted and said sorry but when it is triggered, I could not stop doing it again. After a few years of PTSD this quarrel, I broke the relationship with her. I broke up with all my friends due to feeling betrayed. All of these broke my heart. I thought that if it did not happen, I could have lived not knowing they were traitors. I tried many talk therapy, but I could not trust the therapist either and just wanted to end the session.

Also, some of them could not understand my situation at all. Looking back on it, I think after talking about the trauma, the person I talked about it with also became a trigger of PTSD, and it made me uncomfortable to be with them too.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Right after knowing that my illness is PTSD, I started to read a book about PTSD as my past hobby was reading a book. I read many books about PTSD, and some of their anecdotes triggered my trauma, but they let me know I am not alone to suffer these symptoms.

Also, I tried applying the exercises in the workbook, such as setting boundaries for my body and pain exposure. I tried to see romance and erotic movies to get over somatization when seeing skinship. As the book said, I started with a very mild one and go into a full erotic one.

Although it made me keep sober seeing that kind of movie or novel, I still avoid romantic videos and novels if I can. It is unpleasant even after overcoming it. Also, it gave me confidence that I can overcome my hardship by my effort, which I have never experienced even before PTSD.

I tried participating in group counseling with other survivors of sexual assault which I could not try easily because I could not trust strangers easily after the trauma and thought it would break my heart again because even friends and family gave second attack about the trauma. But I felt it was almost mysterious.

I felt as if I am hearing my story from others’ mouths. No friend or family understood my symptoms before then, so it was a very touching moment. I feel like I was a normal human, not a psycho or monster, for the first time after PTSD. It gave me a sense of reality back. Seeing people who are overcoming similar experiences, I could get the confidence to overcome it.

Nevertheless, due to Covid, I could not have a steady meeting with them, I kept contact with them through mobile chatting. I got information that there is a special therapy for PTSD from one of the survivors, so I went to the counselor she recommended me.

I started Pain Exposure therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy with a specialist in PTSD. At first, I was so scared to start talk therapy because I had the memory of failed therapy with a non-specialist in PTSD, but the survivor said it improved her a lot, so I started this. First, PE therapy treated the trauma intensively. Before PE, I thought the trauma became my everything and I cannot help but burst into tears when I say about the episode.

After PE, the trauma became normal memory and I can remember it without getting upset. I think DBT was not that effective for me. I had difficulty getting group counseling with strangers and could not focus on meditation due to intrusive thoughts. After all, the therapy for PTSD redirected me to focus on my goal, not my past and trauma. I could start anew thanks to the therapy.

After getting therapy, I could dream of life after PTSD, but I could not trust anyone yet and had chronic anxiety. I gave up any relationship with others because nobody would entirely understand my PTSD, which was the critical reason of the most of my present traits and decided to live only for my accomplishment without trust toward others to protect me from any harm.

By chance, I found a church that is more accepting of mental illness. I got to know that God was protecting me to let me escape from the offender. It gave me a peaceful mind for the first time after SA. 

Later, I read that spiritual recovery, which means going back to a worldview that I felt safe with before PTSD, is crucial in perfect recovery from PTSD. I could forgive my family and friends who did not console me in my struggle, and I could forgive the offender in the end.

It seems impossible but to protect others from his SA, he should become a better person, so I could pray for him. My fear and hatred toward others disappeared now. I feel I became the person I was before PTSD or better than before.  

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I think there is a sequence of steps to get recovery from PTSD, as many PTSD books explain. We should accept, soothe the trauma, and get back into life, which cannot be done before doing the previous step.

1. Meeting others in your shoes

In my case, it helped me recover a sense of reality hearing my struggle from others’ voices. Also, seeing others overcoming it stopped me from thinking that it is unsurmountable trouble. In addition, other survivors gave me useful tips and information like good counselors for PTSD.

2. Giving up going back to the state before PTSD

PTSD patients get changed to survive panic and trauma in every aspect of their identity. Missing my past self made me more frustrated and suicidal. Happiness does not have one way. Knowing that I could be happy in other forms and personalities either gave me more relief.

3. Starting therapy for PTSD with a counselor specialized in PTSD

If you don’t have money, try exercises in workbooks for PTSD, but I think meeting a counselor specialized in PTSD therapy is crucial for the success of therapy. I could dream of my life after PTSD because it made my trauma normal memory. It is not my core memory or my everything anymore. I could dream of my life after PTSD again.

4. If you had a religion and took it apart after PTSD, restart religious work

I think it made me feel safe as I felt before PTSD. Chronic anxiety and response to triggers disappeared after this. I also could stop hatred toward others which was strategy to protect myself. I avoided Christians due to the scar they gave to me, but going back to church was essential for my full recovery.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I talked about my SA and PTSD to everyone whenever I could when I was struggling badly. However, sharing it with men gave me bad memory that they cannot understand why it is a bad thing at all, so I did not share it with men. I don’t think it gave me useful tips or a heart-warming console when I shared it with people who do not have PTSD or knowledge of PTSD. 

After recovery, I try to avoid mentioning it unless someone is struggling with the same experience because I now know it only makes them embarrassed and uncomfortable. Especially, in the workplace, I don’t want them to evaluate me for my mental illness and be too ashamed to reveal my weakness.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

The fact that the offender deemed you as a toy does not mean you are a toy. When your symptoms are very bad, you are likely to misunderstand others’ intention and be unable to control your emotions, so I think it is good to take a rest from social interaction for a while. 

Don’t indulge in fake victory in your imagination. You didn’t need to win the offender at the incident, but you just need to escape from it. If you succeeded in taking your life from the incident, you did well. Don’t hate yourself for the trauma.

The path to happiness is not a single one. There are many ways to be happy so the impossibility to turn back time before trauma does not mean you can never be happy. You can be happy again. You can trust others again. Don’t lose your hope to survive. Someday, you will be thankful for your past self who did not give up your life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Body Remembers by Babett Rothchild: It gives an explanation of PTSD from a biological viewpoint. I could understand my body’s response to triggers. Also, I could practice pain exposure exercises from the book, and it helped me overcome my phobia of men.
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman: It describes what is PTSD descriptively and gives how recovery can be done gradually. It was a very accurate book, looking back on my ten years of PTSD recovery.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

It’s good to know what I have learned from my mental illnesses.

I think I learned many things from struggling with mental illness. I could be matured with this in a way I could not expect before PTSD. Before PTSD, I dreamed to be a hikikomori just reading books in my room without any social interaction. I was uncomfortable being with others even though I did not hate them (closer to scared to talk with them). Right after the start of PTSD, fear about SA made me courageous in all other things. 

I could talk and make a friend with others without hesitation. Also, I could have experienced overcoming my limitation in my effort to recover from PTSD. It gave me confidence that I can do something beyond my current ability.

In addition, by sharing our struggle with other SA PTSD survivors, I felt a bond and gratitude for others I have never felt before because I haven’t been understood PTSD at all for 7 years, feeling like a monster. I want to help other survivors. I am now dreaming to help other mentally-ill patients and SA PTSD survivors with neuroscience research. Now I don’t want to go back to the time before PTSD.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My 10-Year Journey of Overcoming PTSD and Hatred After Sexual Assault appeared first on Tracking Happiness.