Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Teresa Alesch and I’m from a small town in northwest Iowa, raised by the absolute best parents and along with three pretty okay siblings (kidding, kidding – they’re awesome, too), and now reside just 30 miles east with my husband, Cody, our two kids, Sacha-16 and Teague-14, and our four-legged canine child, Molly.

I love all things literature, art, music, health, and fitness, and enjoy exercising and taking ice baths (yes, you read that right—it started out as a challenge). My favorite time spent is the time with my family and watching my kiddos perform and compete in their academics, arts, and athletics.

Today, I am a Certified High Performance Coach, speaker, and author of Broken to Brave. Why this career? Passion. When we experience chronic stress, overwhelm, fatigue, and burnout, important areas of our lives unravel (health, relationships, productivity, task competency, etc.), draining us from truly living life and experiencing joy.

My passion is in helping high-achieving, hard-working women “Stress Less and Live More.” I help them take back control of their time, energy, productivity, and overall health and well-being through my Stress Less Live More program and high-performance coaching.

Before owning my own business, a health battle resulting in a referral to palliative care led me to resign from my 16-year career in education and school administration and take time off to focus on my health and family. Once back on my feet a few years ago, instead of going back into education, I pivoted into remote high-ticket sales, quickly moving from manager to director. It didn’t take long to realize I was out of alignment. I had so much to offer and could help people directly, according to my values. I wanted to live and lead with purpose.

So, my husband and I started our own company, providing motivational speaking and both high-performance and internal leadership coaching. We work with individuals, groups, and teams and have recently started working with students again. Currently, though, we are creating a program for parents called “Accidentally Disengaged: The Path to Becoming Intentional About What (WHO) Matters Most.” We only get one shot with our children.

Am I happy? Today, I am most definitely happy. I’ve risen above my circumstances and found the greatest joy in being present in the moment with my family and the people I choose to surround myself with. But “this” (happiness, life, goals, dreams) is not a destination, it’s a journey. I can say that I’ve found the tools and strategies I need to dance with adversity and walk off the dance floor holding my head higher than I did when my rock bottom “adversity” struck.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

My more recent struggle began with a diagnosis of cancer, and then evolved through a host of other traumas and physical, emotional, and mental battles. It wasn’t just the adversity, though. The pillars of my personality are deeply rooted…and involve a stubborn, independent, and highly sensitive child who felt like she never truly fit in.

I’ve always had multiple talents and passions—Jill of all trades, master at none, I guess? I couldn’t choose just one nor accept the traditional pathway through life. Wanting to experience it all, I’ve always strived toward something more. A calling, perhaps? As a young adult, it was confusing, isolating, and almost debilitating.

Without revealing who or exactly what, there was one particular individual in my past who had an effect on me that made me want their approval. And I believe that in part, this elusive pursuit of meaningless validation led me on a journey of self-discovery that colored my personality in more ways than one. But it also stunted my growth at the same time, making me self-conscious of the fact that I was a “horse of a different color.”

Perhaps many of us actually feel this way and I’m not so odd, after all? It’s fascinating how the facets of our personalities influence our journey. As for me, I believe not understanding and loving what set me apart led me on detours and self-degradation pit stops along the way. Not knowing which way was right, I did my best to fit into the “traditional” life route.

Back to more recent issues—they ebb and flow, a dance of depression, social anxieties, maybe a superhero complex, and for a brief but pivotal spell, suicidal ideation into action.

Let’s get to the heart of it, shall we?

In 2011, an aggressive, estrogen-driven breast cancer found me. I was in the midst of transitioning into the principalship early in my career. By the time we caught it, it was stage 3 and required a comprehensive and equally aggressive approach, beginning with chemotherapy to shrink the tumors before surgery. The first several weeks of chemo, I couldn’t eat and when I did, I struggled to keep it down. Everything tasted awful, even water. It also made me feel fat (bloated) and tired, and of course, I lost my hair. I kept working through most of it because I was too prideful to slow down.

After about four months of chemo, I had a double mastectomy and placement of breast implants, involving an expansion process where I felt an excruciating pain that knocked the wind out of me during each session we filled the expanders.

I could barely walk out of the clinic, and it took 24 to 48 hours to subside. That excruciating pain made me question whether or not “looking feminine” was worth it. These were the first of nine surgeries that would take place over the next nine years.

During my surgery, an unreal circumstance transpired—my dad was in the very same hospital, going through his own tests. He would also be diagnosed with cancer, stage 4 non-hodgkin’s lymphoma, just six months after me.

This likely happens more than we realize, but back then, cancer stories weren’t as pervasive or public. For us, it was surreal. The beginning of a string of traumas in my family that came to define us as fighters.

Throughout all of this, I presented myself as that fighter, a superhero. In my mind, my students, staff, husband, and kids counted on my strength. I set out to educate throughout my journey—writing, teaching, and sharing. My students even created a Team Alesch Facebook group for me to provide updates. They organized pinkouts and benefits in my honor. They literally colored the district pink. It brings tears just remembering.

Although I did share some of the vulnerable moments, I retreated, and mostly overshadowed the “darkness” with grit, smiles, and perseverance. I stopped short of truly processing the turmoil beneath the surface. I buried it.

Through it all, I was still a mom, a wife, a daughter, a principal… I had to keep going.

Remember that I felt different? Cancer brought this back. Up until that point, I had happily settled in as a school principal, finally in my element, working with teachers, students, parents, and community, striving together to create a culture of student engagement in the arts, academics, and athletics. I “fit in” here. Educational leadership suited me.

More and more, I felt “less than” in a diseased body. Damaged. Broken. Not good enough. Now enter “social anxiety.”

In all this, I haven’t even addressed my fears about my mortality. Mainly because they were in the shadows, only coming out at night to haunt me, when everyone else went to sleep.

Eight months after diagnosis, I moved on to the final stage of treatment, radiation. Besides fatigue, this was the most uneventful phase, as though preparing me for what was yet to come. And come it did. About 22 days after radiation, at Christmas time, in my abdomen, I started feeling pressure, pain, and a growing sense of fear. Tumors. Giant ones.

Soon after, I was slated for an emergency surgery where I wasn’t sure if I would wake up still a woman, in the way that mattered as a mother. The cancer had taken my hair. It had taken my breasts. It had put me through hell. It put me on medications that made me feel awful. It was this sick affair—I went to bed with it, woke up with it, it stole my time and my heart. Was it going to take my choice as a mother?

Looking back, we were blessed with a baby girl in 2007 and an unplanned baby boy in 2009. When I woke up from surgery, I leaned into those blessings more than ever because they had to take it all.

My ovaries housed grapefruit-sized tumors and my uterus was swollen. The tumors were benign; however, with the way estrogen attacks my body, my oncologists were not taking chances. Everything needed to go (a complete hysterectomy).

With my hormones in flux and everything catching up to me, a perfect storm storm was brewing. I needed it all to stop so I could catch my breath. Armor off, I was finally crying “UNCLE!” How tragically ironic this was…one year after my diagnosis (a few months after my hysterectomy), someone special to me (to all of us), our beloved Uncle Joe, passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack.

This was the kicker, the biggest blow of it all. Devastating at the time, between my cancer, my hysterectomy, all the side effects, and my father’s battle.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The hysterectomy and losing a loved one triggered my slip into depression. Deep depression. One that most, including myself, had no idea about because the one thing I was good at was putting on my mask each day.

I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time. I just felt like a failure for not being able to manage my physical, mental, and emotional health. I was unraveling.

Take into account that almost immediately after that surgery, hot flashes flooded in—four to six per hour, refusing me sleep. Hot flashes alone are maddening and enough to drive a woman to insanity (aside from all the other symptoms). I brought a change of clothes to work with me, they were so bad.

For humans in general, without quality sleep, everything else deteriorates. Including being able to cope with adversity—physical, mental, or emotional. Cognitively, my abilities to concentrate, focus, and be productive tanked.

My energy plummeted. I began questioning my intellect. I felt guilty for not being “better” in every area of my life. In some ways, I was furious that life went on for everyone around me, meaning, I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be more oblivious, if that makes sense. I wanted life to go on for me, too.

Are you getting the picture? Struggling, I could never get my body, heart, and mind to be in the same place at the same time. I was trapped in my own mind. I would be at home, either working, worrying about work, or wishing I had gotten more done at work. If work was where my mind was, then I was missing out on the LIFE right in front of me.

And that life included my children at the tender ages of two and four, my husband and our relationship and livelihood, and of course my parents and our extended family.

Flip that. Then, I would go to work, and the thoughts would perseverate, beating me down for not being more present with my loved ones. It was an endless cycle and devastating battle. I was living in past regret and frustration. I was living in future fear and worry. I was living anywhere and everywhere…but the present. The shame and guilt that comes with that takes its toll.

Anxiety became exaggerated, depression deepened, and I began questioning not just my purpose, but also my competence as a leader, administrator, wife, and most importantly, a MOTHER.

I told myself things like, ‘no me is better than the me they all are getting (especially my kids),’ and ‘they would be better off if I were one day replaced.’ I was okay with that. Welcomed it. Because in my increasingly warped mind, it made perfect sense…it was what was best for them, for everyone. For me.

I had no idea who I was anymore. I began imagining or daydreaming the easiest way to go, to leave this life behind. When I created those mental movies in my mind, I imagined “peace” on the other side of it, and the desire to feel peace once again became stronger and stronger, until one day after dropping my kids off at daycare, I almost followed through with an attempt.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

That was the moment. The moment when it was time to accept the shoes I’d been given and start walking, no matter how painful that was going to be. This part of my story is hard to tell. It took me an entire year to write this one chapter in my book, Broken to Brave: Finding Freedom from the Unlived Life. The chapter is the beginning of my book, but it’s called, “The End.” It’s how I introduce readers to my story.

Long story short, in a few brief breaths within my life’s journey, I found myself in my car with a bottle of pills. I don’t know if you believe in signs or messages from loved ones who have passed on, but something happened that I still struggle to process to this day. A beautiful cardinal landed on my passenger review window right in the “moment.” But it quickly flew away. So, although I thought it was a sign at first, I questioned if it was ever there at all.

Until it landed on the driver’s side rear-view mirror. I don’t know how to explain other than saying, at that moment, I woke up.

I had been numb for over a year. A waterfall of emotions flooded in. I realized that all of this (tragedy and pain) is not about me; it’s bigger than me.

And while I had been through hell, so many others have been and were going through, and will always be going through something so much worse. I knew in that moment, I needed to find my way back to my loved ones, to the present moment, and most importantly, to myself.

I needed to put the oxygen mask on myself before I could help anyone else. It would be a quest. And I knew it was going to be trying. But I needed to give it everything I had.

Needing help, I checked myself into a behavioral health center. Once there, I learned that my recovery would involve medication. I had been there and tried that (antidepressants), and I knew I wanted to try it without. So instead, I began seeing a therapist. The breakthrough was work but came when my therapist challenged me to tell my loved ones what I was REALLY going through.

I couldn’t. Instead, I cried. And cried. Although words come naturally to me, and I selectively journaled throughout my cancer journey, I couldn’t find the words to express my pain. This was my therapeutic turning point. The idea of unearthing that pain released the waterworks during that session.

For months, I had been denying the harsh reality of what my body went through, and how that impacted my sense of self, my hormones, my energy, my emotions, and my focus… I had been denying the loss of my uncle.

I know his passing hurt everyone. For me, the timing played a role. I grew up close to him, spending tons of weekends at his home, watching movies, making popcorn, and conquering Super Mario Brothers and Zelda. Uncle Joe was there for me always, especially during cancer, often taking me to chemo, radiation, my port surgery, and always with the family for the bigger surgeries.

I couldn’t accept that someone who was always there was no longer there.

For the first time, I was mourning his death. Seeing this opportunity, my therapist asked, “What if you told your story in the third person? Or write a piece about a character? Change her name. Tell her story.” And so I did.

When I shared this life-after-cancer story with my doctors, one suggested I publish it. Not just for inspiration but for survivors, future fighters, caregivers, and medical providers alike. Knowing people would know, I feared putting my “rock bottom” out there for people to read, and perhaps judge.

Would my competence be questioned? Could this “hot mess” perform at the levels required? Would I lose professional credibility? What if my closest family and colleagues felt responsible, like they had missed warning signs?

But those questions ultimately led me to find the value in sharing what I had been and was still silently battling through.

What if it could prevent someone else’s journey from taking the destructive twists and turns mine had? What if it could help caregivers and medical providers anticipate the road ahead and help the survivor navigate? What if MY journey could have been a little smoother because I had read or heard about someone else’s journey?

Before I knew it, I was on a path to publishing. Except. When my future publisher read my story about this “character who had been to hell and back,” he said it was great! Just not the story he wanted to publish. He said MY story needed to be told and then worked with me to make that vision a reality.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Quickly, before I get into the rainbow after the storm…

In addition to cancer’s aftermath, the surgeries, and all the medication, a host of auto-immune issues plagued me. From skin breakouts, to puffiness and discoloration in the face and eyes, to inflammation throughout the body to strange and unexplainable allergic reactions, to sinus infections and colds, to extreme fatigue and mental fog, to herniated discs, to further bouts with depression… my doctors (including oncology and specialist) could not get to the bottom of it all.

All of those symptoms added new levels of self-consciousness, frustration, depression, and anxiety, depending on the day. In 2019, oncology referred me to Palliative Care. I don’t know what you think of when you hear that terminology, but I think of “end of life” care. In essence, it means to sustain one’s quality of life.

What my doctors were saying was, “We can’t figure out what’s wrong… so, we want to involve some other specialists to at MINIMUM, sustain your quality of life.”

What I heard was, “We give up. Good luck.” I know that’s not the reality of the situation… or was it? I’ll never know.

Back against the wall, I made the somewhat crazy decision at just 40 years old, to resign from my career in education to focus on my health and my family. So many people in my life, to this day, don’t know about this aspect of my journey.

By this point, I was starting to feel like a failure again; yet, I couldn’t accept that this was all the better I was going to feel. I knew if I wasn’t careful, hopelessness would start creeping in.

Another blessing. A few months later, my sister (who would soon face her own stage 3 cancer battle) stumbled upon a Facebook post that described my situation to a T.

I was rejecting the implants and needed them out, immediately. Three surgeries (explant plus DIEP flap reconstruction) proved to be the springboard to overcoming all of the autoimmune issues weighing me down. Lifesaving.

So, how did I find my way back to the present moment? And how did I begin rebuilding my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health? Outlets.

Creative outlet

Perhaps one of the most therapeutically impactful actions I took was writing my book. That outlet was crucial to my healing.

When the house was quiet, super early in the morning or in the evening after the kids went to bed, I would make some hot tea, light a candle, put my headphones on, play some calming and inspiring instrumental music, and either meditate, pray, or write.

Spiritual outlet

Faith carried me through a great deal. Not always in the traditional, “attend church every day and twice on Sundays” sense, but in connecting with God through prayer, music, and writing, as well as finding a sense of gratitude and calm in being content within the energy of my soul.

With this, I learned about the power of visualization and manifestation, and practiced all of the above.

Physical outlet

I turned to exercise and a variety of workouts, such as walking, running, Insanity, P90X, and CrossFit. I fought through fatigue and challenged my body to improve itself, regardless of the symptoms I faced. I also learned about and practiced breathwork to increase my energy throughout the day.

On days when I struggled, I didn’t chastise myself. I made a point to get some movement in, and I patted myself on the back for the small win in the bigger picture.

Self-development outlet

I enrolled in programs from motivational speaking to high-performance habits to writing and editing to entrepreneurial to educational leadership. I became certified in leadership, high performance, and life coaching programs, not just to be a better leader and manager at work, but also to better manage myself.

I put myself on stage and published my book to help others. Challenging my brain to learn something new made me feel as though I was gaining back my “it” factor when it came to my cognitive quickness.

High-Performance coach outlet

I worked with a high-performance coach who helped me to:

• Isolate what I could control and let go of what I couldn’t;
• Clarify my identity and vision for my future;
• Gather a baseline in 12 key life areas and set goals for where I wanted to be;
• Inspect my schedule and routines to increase productivity;
• Optimize my time by redefining my values and priorities, then aligning how I was spending my time with what was truly important to me;
• Review my habits (including self-limiting beliefs) and identify what was working and what wasn’t, removing what wasn’t serving me;
• Gradually build in high-performance habits to overcome my health issues and move toward optimal health and wellness. 

When we inspect our thoughts, habits, and routines, we might find a great deal of misalignment that’s causing us to miss opportunities. I was trapped in this vicious cycle of living in past regrets and future worries, missing out on key moments and joy with my family.

Therapy outlet

The therapists I worked with were incredible (one was career-based, the other cancer). The most impactful strategy was writing my story from the third-person perspective. This freed me to explore my pain, but from a safe distance. In my book, I referred to this as “unlocking brave.”

Forgiveness outlet

Another key, the mortar to the bricks, was learning to give myself permission to fail, to fall off the exercise wagon, to feel crummy and just lounge all day on a Saturday, instead of cleaning the house, which desperately needed it, etc.

Taking time to rest, recover, and recharge when you feel like you should be working is incredibly challenging! But the work will be there. Let go of the guilt and shame. Life is too short. It’s not worth it.

Help outlet

Although accepting help sometimes felt unnatural, I needed it (my family needed), and we were surrounded by it. Whether family, friends, colleagues, students, or community, I had a wealth of people supporting me throughout my battles, from “D Day” and onward.

Without these inspiring and generous supporters, I don’t believe I would be here today, and be here as strong, healthy, and happy as I am. If you are reading this, you know who you are. THANK YOU.

Relationship outlet

This one is the most simple. Focus on and connect IN THE PRESENT moment with those who matter most. This is what life is all about.

We all know too well—people are with us one moment and gone the next, kids grow up before our very eyes, and if we aren’t careful, we might look back and realize that we were distracted with thoughts, activities, and work that didn’t matter. Live, love, and lead with purpose, and cherish your loved ones.

These outlets make up the initial bricks in rebuilding my life. Because it significantly improved my life, I layered in more high-performance coaching and continued learning breathwork and meditation for resetting and reenergizing myself. Recently, I’ve added ice baths (cold immersion) into my daily routine, giving the most shocking results of all!

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Yes, and no. I resisted because I wanted to be that unbreakable superhero. With loved ones, I didn’t want them to see or feel my pain. And sharing felt akin to admitting a decline in my cognitive abilities and thus accepting failure. It felt insurmountable.

There’s something else. Full transparency, I worried a few specific people would consider me a victim and talk behind my back. Spoiler. They did, and it hurt. But—their words were none of my business (which took me a long time to get). If you’ve experienced a similar conflict, remember: 

1. None of us are perfect; we are all human, flawed, and have weak moments where we think or say something hurtful, hold grudges, judge, gossip, etc. 
2. Someone else’s behavior says more about them than it says about you. It’s possible they are going through something that has nothing to do with you.
3. It’s time to let it go. Broken relationships can be one of the most unexpected obstacles to happiness because the pain and hurt linger. Consider forgiving yourself and them, if even only in your heart.
4. Your life’s path is yours. Theirs is theirs. Live and let live. Shine brighter to overcome any darkness creeping in, and fill your inner circle only with kind and uplifting people.

Over time and especially after the car incident, I became more authentically vulnerable and stopped sugarcoating. I told myself if I could help just one person, the journey and the fear of sharing would be worth it.

From my journal entries on Facebook and Caring Bridge to publishing my book to motivational speaking, I began receiving messages from people who were struggling. I knew I needed to continue sharing and owning “my ripple” (as in my impact on others).

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

SINGLE? Oh, jeez. LOL! My poor brain can’t narrow it down.

Helping others through their journeys helped me accept mine. It provided the key for me to walk through the door of true healing and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual recovery. Life was not happening to me. It was happening for me to live, love, and lead with purpose. Ugh. I can’t limit it to just one.

The next key is in the two G’s—gratitude and grace. Finding gratitude in the small things shifts perspective, and giving ourselves grace (as opposed to self-destructive judgment) when we have human days and setbacks help us to stay the course.

The third key is accepting that to move forward, we have to move. We can’t take back control and move forward while in a passive state. We must take action—no matter how tired we feel, how much pain we are in, how scared we are, or how skeptical we are that we can feel better. It’s as simple as that.

Finally, each of us has one lifetime–that’s IT, just ONE! Although we don’t know how long that is, we each have the opportunity to make the most of it and be a positive force within our family, our community, and the world at large. We don’t want to look back and realize we missed life right in front of us. All we have to do is own our comeback and own our ripple.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

So many books inspired me; however, it’s more than just the books! Most of these books led me to purchase their courses, conferences, and coaching. What you put in your mind is just as important as what you put in your body. Feed your body, mind, and spirit the good stuff. Immerse yourself in people, words, and wisdom that inspire you to move forward.

• High Performance Habits by Brendon Burchard: This has been the most impactful. It led me on a complete journey (from book, to course, to coaching) to not just performing but sustaining performance at high levels, leading to a sustained improvement in my overall health, well-being, productivity, and relationships.
• The Man on the Mountaintop by Susan Trott and Libby Spurrier: I loved this so much that I wrote a review. It’s an uplifting parable about modern-day pilgrims bringing a multitude of modern-day problems, sorrows, and grievances. It’s full of life lessons that had me giggling, crying, and shuddering, over and over again. I completed it in one sitting. I had to.
• The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins: This is a powerful technique to trick, or distract your brain rather, from procrastinating. There’s more to it, but in its simple form, count “5-4-3-2-1,” then do whatever it is you are putting off. Don’t think, just do.
• Make Your Bed by William H. McRaven: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.” I walked away with a mantra and routine from reading this book. I originally watched his commencement speech, which this book delves deeper into the 10 core tenets he goes through. Essentially start the day out with a win, and everything else is a bit easier. It’s part of the reason I take ice baths every day!
• Your Secret Name & The Deeper Path by Kary Oberbrunner: With Your Secret Name, I learned to accept myself, for who I really am, despite the pain and despite the fear. With the Deeper Path, I delved into my purpose and owning who I am.
• The Introvert’s Edge by Matthew Pollard: This is more of a business book but it was powerful for me when I started retreating into my shell. It helped me with confidence and made me feel less alone. So, if you are someone who is in business or sales, this book could be helpful for you.
• Stress Less, Accomplish More by Emily Fletcher: Emily was my introduction to meditation. I started out with her book and then progressed to taking her online video course. It was incredibly powerful for me to learn how to slow down and disconnect (yet connect at a deeper and more meaningful level). It helped me to rest (take a powerful 5 to 15-minute meditation nap) during the day and get to a deeper sleep more quickly at night. I recommend the audiobook; she’s easy to listen to!
• Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza: I became curious about Joe Dispenza’s (neuroscientist) work after seeing him on YouTube. He has a powerful story about the power of the mind and essentially healing himself after a serious injury paralyzed him and he found himself face down in a hospital bed for weeks/months. I learned about something he called Mind Movies and Walking Meditations.  
• The Urban Monk by Pedram Shojai: This book helped me to get back to the basics. Regardless of the circumstances, and mine were pretty rotten at times, I worked toward grounding myself and resetting my nutrition, exercise, and sleep habits. It had all sorts of activities, exercises, and mediations. Just writing this makes me want to go through it again. I listened to this one on Audible. 
• Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer: Wayne Dyer is an absolute joy to listen to. It breaks down the ancient works and wisdom of Lao-tzu, presenting it in a way that’s relevant to today’s modern world. It’s hard for me to put into words the peace, calm, and purpose I felt when listening to his books. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Let’s connect wherever you spend your time! Fee free to send me a DM—just let me know you learned about me on Tracking Happiness!

• Teresa Alesch Website: You can learn more about my book, my story, and my life after cancer work here.
• Broken to Brave Book: You can go directly to it here on Amazon! 62 5-star reviews out of 62!
• Instagram: So much goodness coming.
• Facebook-Personal: Most active here.
• Facebook-Professional: My author, coach, and speaker page.
• YouTube: Just preparing to begin posting daily, starting with our ice bath journey! Feel free to follow along.
• The Live More Journey website: Coming soon (temporary holding page)! It is here that you will be able to learn more about our courses, coaching, and speaking.
• Stress Less Live More Free Facebook Group: Anyone looking for a community to learn and grow is welcome to join us!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Lifechanging Cancer Journey and How I Recovered as a Stronger Woman appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hey, I’m Drew and I live in Brighton, down on the south coast of England with my amazing wife and two children. Nice to meet you. 

I’m a copywriter in advertising for a big agency in London, which means I come up with the concepts for adverts. On the whole, it’s a fun job as sometimes I’m paid to think about what the talking dog is going to say in the ad, though it can be long hours.

I don’t find it too stressful though, even when everyone around me is flapping, as I think my life experiences put the deadlines of advertising into perspective. 

Beyond my family, my biggest passion is the guitar and music. The guitar is the place I go to whenever I have a spare minute and it never lets me down.

I feel incredibly lucky that I have something that is endlessly fun, relaxing, and joy-giving. And I have a really deep love of listening to music, though I guess that’s the same for anyone, right?

Music’s always been where I go when something’s off. Sometimes I can hear a song and it connects with me in ways words could never do, and it can release something or enable me to understand something, without being able to articulate it. 

I consider myself to be a happy person. I’m very laid back, and as I’ve said, I don’t find the little things in life to be stressful. The key for me is that I’m extremely happy in my home life and love my family so much.

I just love spending time with them and am so grateful for the joy they bring me. I just wish I could spend more time with them sometimes, and not have to work so many hours. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My dad died when I was 11. Which triggered depression and anxiety through my teens and early 20s.

He died of cancer, really suddenly. My parents were divorced and it was the summer holidays just before I started high school. I was on holiday with my mum and aunty and I tried calling my dad from the foyer of the hotel (long before mobile phones) – but it kept ringing out. And then after a few days, the line was dead, and the receiver left off the hook. 

When I got home my mum took me to see him, and he took a while to answer the door in his dressing gown. He apologized for not answering the phone and said he’d been too sick, but that he’d be fine. I hugged him and left with my mum, who was waiting in the car.

Something didn’t feel right, maybe the way he hugged me a little more gingerly than he normally would. I can still picture him clearly in his dressing gown from the height of my eleven-year-old self. That was the last time I saw him. 

He’d gone to the doctor with stomach pains and they had sent him away saying it was gastroenteritis. He’d actually had a carcinoma of the bowl which had burst and given him sepsis. Shortly after I saw him he was rushed to hospital and died. He was 55.  

I was in shock and anger for many years. And this lead to a general feeling of lowness, and numbness, which I would call depression. As I got older I experienced more social anxiety which affected my late teens and early 20s. I think I’m a naturally shy person, but this was compounded by my grief. 

I remember thinking that my dad was the only person who really understood me. We were incredibly close. As my parents had divorced when I was seven I had spent every weekend with my dad. So in many ways, this meant I spent lots of very close, quality time with him.

But like any young boy would feel, my world was trampled on when he died. I dreamed about him constantly and would wake up with a mixture of happiness and deep sadness that I’d seen him, but that it was just a dream. 

His death triggered anxiety and depression through my mid-to-late teens and early 20s. It came to a head in my university studies, when I felt so anxious that I had to take a year out of university and have a break in my studies.

I found social interactions very stressful, and so any kind of seminar was difficult. I basically retreated into myself and wanted to close the door to the world. 

I now reflect that I’m lucky to have had such great times with my dad and that many people have a father that they never really connect with, even though they live to a ripe old age. I think this focus on the good in every situation is the key to finding contentment, which I think is all we have control of.

Appreciate what you have. The happiness comes and goes. Life can bring ups and downs, but if we appreciate what we have throughout, then we can enjoy the happier times and ride out the lower times. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

From the outside, I’ve always appeared kinda fine. As I’ve said, I got a degree and then went on to get a second while I worked. I had a decent job, although it was only when I was 30 when I retrained did I find a career in advertising that’s pushed me forward and brought me the fulfillment you need from work. 

I think a big part of my struggle was not being able to talk about it with my family. It just felt like no one wanted to get into it and make me upset, so I never really brought it up and just dealt with it on my own. 

Our culture teaches boys that they can’t cry, or show weakness. I also think my family thought they were helping by just moving on and not creating a scene.

They also had their own ways of dealing with things, from an era when people just got on with life and didn’t complain. So I certainly don’t judge anyone. But I do think it made things very hard for me to process the grief as I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it. 

As I grew older through my teens, I found that I struggled with anxiety and depression. I hung out with the rebellious kids and did the bare amount of schoolwork I could get away with. I started the dangerous line of thinking that it was cool not to try hard. 

But I was bright. And so I found school easy and passed my exams without working. Which was another dangerous lesson. I could get by without trying. 

This set a pattern through my teens and early 20s of doing the bare minimum and never feeling fully fulfilled. 

I found certain social interactions really difficult. I had a kind of social phobia. However, to people outside they would think that I was fine. I also drank a lot in social settings, which is a cultural norm in the UK, and this masked my anxiety.  

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I’d started playing the guitar in my early teens. I was obsessed with Nirvana and the whole grunge scene in the early 90s. But as I hit my early 20s, I started playing in a band.

The connection and friendship I found with my bandmates were huge. I had found a supportive network of friends who I could be open with. Probably because openness is key to musical expression. 

Over time, playing the guitar became my therapy. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or anxious, I would play a tune or write a song. It allowed me to express my feelings without having to put them into words. The more I played, the more I felt a sense of release and relief.

It was a combination of my own actions, the therapeutic nature of music, and the supportive community of musicians I became a part of that contributed to my healing. If I had to quantify it, I’d say 70% was a result of my actions and 30% was due to the circumstances and people around me.

It took me about 15 years after my dad’s passing to make significant progress. The guitar was the catalyst that set me on a path to understanding and managing my emotions better. It not only helped me cope with my grief but also built my confidence and self-worth.

I’ve researched the benefits of playing guitar, and the list is seemingly endless. For those who are interested, I have written an article that covers all the incredible benefits of playing guitar for mental health.

From the release of dopamine, reducing stress, improving cognitive abilities, and preventing mental decline, there’s so much that playing guitar, and instruments in general, can offer us.

So I’d urge anyone, no matter how old you are to pick up an instrument. It’s never too late be be a beginner at anything. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The first step I took was acknowledging my feelings. For years, I had suppressed my emotions, thinking it was the “manly” thing to do. But once I started playing the guitar, I realized the importance of expressing myself. Music became my outlet, and through it, I was able to process my grief and anxiety. 

I also sought therapy. Talking to a professional helped me understand the root of my feelings and gave me tools to cope. My therapist introduced me to mindfulness and meditation, which I practiced daily. It helped me stay present and not get overwhelmed by my past or anxious about the future.

Also, playing guitar, or any instrument, is an inherently mindful practice. When you’re paying you can’t think about anything else. And so I found it helped me in so many ways. 

For anyone going through a similar situation, I’d recommend finding a creative outlet, whether it’s music, art, writing, or any other form. It’s essential to have a safe space where you can express yourself without judgment.

Also, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Sometimes, talking to someone who’s trained to understand can make all the difference.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Initially, I kept my struggles to myself. I felt that showing vulnerability would make me appear weak. But as I started healing and understanding my emotions better, I began opening up to close friends and family. Their support and understanding were invaluable.

There were, however, some people I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with. Some colleagues and acquaintances had a tendency to dismiss mental health issues or offer unsolicited advice. I chose to keep my journey private from them to protect my mental well-being.

Over time, I’ve realized the importance of talking about mental health. It not only helps the person struggling but also educates others and reduces the stigma around it.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Embrace your emotions, no matter how painful or overwhelming they might seem. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or anxious. These feelings are a part of the healing process. 

Find a safe space or outlet where you can express yourself, and remember, you’re not alone in your struggle. Surround yourself with supportive people, seek professional help if needed, and always prioritize your mental well-being.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• “The Healing Power of Sound” by Mitchell Gaynor: This book delves into the therapeutic effects of sound and music. It helped me understand the science behind why playing the guitar was so beneficial for my mental health.
• “It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be” by Paul Arden: This book pretty much changed my life. I retrained in advertising at age 30, and this book was the inspiration.
  The key to any progress or success in life is having a goal. Talent is overrated. It’s much more important to set your self-goals high and strive for them.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

As I’ve linked to above, I’ve got a website about guitars called Guitar Mammoth, which helps me share my passion. Please check it out if you’re interested in guitar. If you’re interested in joining the team and writing for us, please reach out.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Playing Guitar Helped Me Process Grief and Start Healing From Anxiety and Depression appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Raneisha Stassin (pronounced RUH-KNEE-SHUH) and I’m a PR consultant based in San Diego, California. Prior to San Diego, I lived in San Francisco and Belgium but I was born and raised in Arkansas. 

I’m married and have an 8-year-old son on the Autism spectrum. He is my world and I spend much of my time caring for him and working with his care team. I’m also a PR consultant so I spend a great deal of time taking care of my clients, several of whom do work in the mental health and wellness space.

I’m very much an introverted homebody but when I do leave the house it’s usually to meet with other free-spirited creatives, go to see live music, a farmers market, or to a nearby beach. I really love art, music, and dance as well!

My primary form of exercise is dance and I’ve danced my entire life. It’s a great way to release negative energy in my experience. I also love to sing, write, and read. I spend a lot of time developing routines and regimens that incorporate the arts as a form of self-care and I try to engage my son in creative expression as well.

I’m also incredibly drawn to esoteric spiritual practices and spend a great deal of time in meditation, prayer, or engaged in some sort of grounding exercise. I wouldn’t say I’m happy but these practices, and my loved ones, do allow me to have a sense of gratitude that help me overcome my darker moments.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

This is a tough question for me because I’ve experienced “symptoms” much of my life but due to my upbringing, I had no awareness of it until much later in life.

I grew up in poverty in the rural South. Much of my early life was incredibly traumatic and abusive. I also experienced a lot of loss and grief from a very early age. My sister was murdered when I was a child, my grandmother who raised me as a young child passed away, and my older brother died suddenly in a car crash.

I was always quite hard on myself and had a difficult time appropriately expressing my emotions, especially after such losses, but because much of my family also struggled with similar issues I didn’t really notice a major issue until later in life. 

Growing up poor in the rural south I also didn’t have access to therapists. Mental illness was also heavily stigmatized in my community. However, at 26 during my divorce, I was living in the Bay Area and had more access to this type of care.

It was during my first of 4 involuntary hospitalizations that I was initially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 with Psychosis, Depression, and Severe Anxiety.

I was put on a number of different medications, mostly antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, and was in and out of inpatient programs, peer support groups, and 1 on 1 talk therapy sessions before I was instead diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I’d also been told by other clinicians that I have traits of ADHD or even Autism, however, the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis made sense to me given my codependency issues and the impact relationships had on my mood.

I often struggled with fits of rage, self-harm, impulsive behavior, and codependency which led to extreme anxious attachment to my partners and episodes when perceived abandonment occurred.

I still struggle with many of these things today. I often cycle through bouts of severe depression, anxiety, or splitting episodes (black or white thinking common for those with BPD).

In the past, I didn’t understand my behavior or intense mood swings, but now I understand much of it is rooted in past trauma. Nearly everything in regard to close personal relationships can trigger or set me off.

I often describe it as living life with no skin. Everything hurts and my brain interprets every single interaction as a threat or rejection.

Having greater awareness of the root causes of my triggers and why I naturally resort to feeling unsafe and defensive helps me manage it and reduces the severity of my mood swings and episodes.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For a long time, I did a good job of hiding the fact that I struggled with depression. This is one I’d experienced much longer than others so it felt quite familiar to me. However, after my brother passed away unexpectedly while I was in college, I became more of a recluse.

For a while, it was easy to continue to mask my symptoms because I guarded myself by spending much of my time alone and many people just came to know me as an introvert who occasionally got a little “wild”.

I used to party a lot in my younger years, which unfortunately also makes it easier to hide such symptoms, particularly symptoms of self-harm and impulsivity.

All of my romantic relationships and interpersonal relationships were typically negatively impacted nonetheless. The few people I did let close to me came to know me as someone who was extremely emotionally volatile and some might even have the impression that I was manipulative, though I feel this is an often misunderstood characteristic of those with BPD.

In reality, I was mostly just afraid. I was never able to, and frankly still struggle, with letting my guard down with anyone. Additionally, much of my behavior was reactions to very intense emotions.

Emotional regulation is something I’ve always struggled with so having deep connections and healthy relationships have always been a struggle for me, especially in the years following my brother’s death.

I often tried describing the intensity of my emotions and why I felt they warranted what appeared to be such dramatic and often frightening reactions, but it was incredibly difficult for those close to me to understand and I didn’t have a proper name for it until I received my diagnosis only a couple of years ago in 2021.

So much of my life I felt misunderstood or alone as a result. One positive of the diagnosis is that it’s easier to communicate what’s happening to those around me, though that often comes with its own stigma as well.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Receiving a formal diagnosis and having professionals put into words things I’ve been experiencing and give me an understanding of how my past experiences may have influenced how I process and respond to emotions definitely helped me.

I will say that while medications and traditional Western modes of healing ultimately did not work out for me, as unfortunately, BPD is still a widely misunderstood ‘disorder’ even in clinical settings, having this knowledge was the catalyst for me doing my own inner work that allowed me to better understand myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. 

I will say that treatments like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) were helpful in providing me with a set of skills that helped me challenge my negative thoughts and behaviors, but I ultimately felt they still didn’t help me tap into the root issue of why I was experiencing these intense emotions or reactions in the first place.

Instead, giving myself permission to explore what these emotions and thoughts were really trying to communicate to me about how I felt about myself, the world, and the people around me was most healing. I personally found that journaling, spiritual practices, grounding techniques, and connecting with others in the BPD community helped me the most.

I’ve noticed the biggest change in the past year since quitting a very demanding job and really prioritizing reducing stressors and regularly connecting with those in the mental health community for support. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

By taking time to actually allow myself to safely explore my intense emotions I was able to understand that I was deeply traumatized, lacked emotional regulation skills due to my upbringing, and had severe attachment issues due to early abandonment and sudden loss.

For me, this understanding and giving myself space to feel what I feel without shame, and time to unlearn what I had unfortunately learned as a defense mechanism early in life, has helped me take steps to start shifting away from the intensity of my emotions and thoughts which in turn also helps my behavior and responses to those emotions.

Now I try to separate my identity from my thoughts and feelings and put space between those and my subsequent reactions.

In other words, when things come up for me now instead of automatically reacting in a way that feels natural for me (e.g. exploding, running away, etc.), which is often rooted in trauma, I’ve trained myself to calm my nervous system through self-care and study the root causes of these feelings and thoughts.

Unfortunately, severe Cluster B disorders are often so stigmatized that those with them don’t ever feel safe enough to truly explore their intense thoughts and emotions.

Traditional Western models typically don’t allow for those with more severely negative and harmful thoughts to have a safe space to really share them.

Oftentimes we’re perceived as a threat to ourselves and others which can stop a lot of people from really getting the support they need.

BPD (borderline personality disorder) is widely misunderstood because the episodes, impulsivity, and fits of rage can be so intense the only thing that is focused on is stopping the behaviors rather than understanding what’s causing them in the first place.

A major reason I was able to safely explore my intense emotions was that I sought out peer support groups and connected with other people in the BPD and severe mental health community who understood me and validated my need for safety, love, and support.

Peer-led support groups, self-care routines that allowed me to self-soothe, and inner work frankly have helped me more than anything else I’ve tried. It’s something I have to be super intentional about every day but I’ve seen a drastic change already.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Due to the severity of my illness and the frequent hospitalizations I’ve had since 2019, I am very transparent about my struggles. I often had a hard time keeping up with demanding jobs, the demands of parenting, etc. when I was struggling so I had to get comfortable telling those around me that I was having a really hard time and needed help.

Oftentimes, I’d wait until I was in crisis mode when I then had no option but to get professional help. It was incredibly hard for me to learn to open up about this in professional work settings especially but I had to be transparent with my managers since I needed to focus a lot of my energy on recovery.

While I don’t necessarily recommend this to everyone, I make sure everyone who is close to me is aware since my illness is directly impacted by my interpersonal relationships and every facet of my life could potentially be impacted by that.

Typically those who are very close to me or communicate with me on a regular basis will be aware that something is wrong at some point given the nature of my illness.

I’ve found, however, that sharing my struggles has only helped me connect with others who understand and also spark important discussions that break stigma and allow others to feel safe opening up about their own struggles.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I knew when I was younger that just because I feel awful doesn’t mean I’m an awful person. I spent much of my life hating myself because of my illnesses.

I think that people who struggle with mental illnesses, especially the more stigmatized and widely misunderstood ones, often feel shame. This can unfortunately hinder efforts to recover.

Once I learned to separate who I am as a person from my illness, specifically how it makes me think and feel, it was so much easier to really start to heal. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Podcasts and social media pages from those who share their firsthand experience with Borderline Personality Disorder and other Cluster B disorders help me a lot! 

The podcast I always recommend is Back from the Borderline because I love how Mollie approaches this topic from firsthand experience but also does a ton of research and brings on experts who can provide that behavioral science point of view.

She’s the perfect blend of empathetic and understanding, yet educational and insightful. I know that podcast has helped a ton of people in the BPD community feel less shame and more support which in my experience is the first step to really healing. 

I’m also connected with Emotions Matter which is a nonprofit that is raising awareness of and support for those who live with BPD.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I have my own podcast called “Surviving and Thriving: A Podcast About Life, Mental Health, & Personal Growth” which you can find on Apple podcasts or Spotify. I’m also fairly active on Instagram where I share mental health content as well. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Got Better at Navigating BPD With Self-Care, Inner Work and Peer Support appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Katie, a digital nomad living mostly between Redondo Beach, CA, and Buffalo, NY. I know, two completely different climates. I bounce around with my partner, Michael, as we both love to travel–obviously.

I work for a leading boutique publishing company, helping thought leaders build their authority through a book. I can truly say that I love my job. I enjoy helping people live out a lifelong dream by publishing a book. 

After I’m done with that for the day, you can usually find me hanging out with some dogs that I help take care of or researching the latest deathcare trend (yes, you read that right).

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life but now, I consider myself an overall happy and joyful human, taking in all of the experiences and lessons that life has to give. It’s hard to not find happiness when you finally choose to prioritize yourself and your legacy–more on that later, I promise.  

In 2023, I founded Grief Is Good, which is a collective that will house my future death doula services, advocacy work, and end-of-life planning services. I’m very passionate about having a good death and healthy mourning because I spent so much of my life grieving in unhealthy ways. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and a very mild case of Borderline Personality Disorder since I was a teen. My dad got sick with encephalitis of the brain when I was 13 years old and he stopped being my dad.

I went from a child to a caretaker in a matter of weeks and celebrated my 14th birthday in the hospital, holding his hand and praying he would come out of a coma.

When he finally woke up from the coma, he was a completely different person. All of a sudden, he was mean, agitated, demanding, and rude. My father had always been kind to people, especially strangers, and this change came as quite a shock to my teenage self. 

Ultimately, my Dad died when I was 15 years old. I lost a family member, friend, or pet every year after that until I was 21. So, I’ve dealt with my fair share of grief. 

After my dad died, I found myself not expressing my grief or talking about him. It wasn’t until 5 years later that I awoke–literally–to the fact that I had been avoiding my grief. It all came to light with a grief dream. 

In the dream, I was playing a concert at my old high school when I looked out over the crowd and spotted my dad. I dropped my instrument and sprinted across the room until I was in his arms. When I woke up from the dream, I realized that I hadn’t been talking about my dad for 5 years since his death, and that needed to change. 

This dream also came shortly after a conversation with my best friend that changed my whole perspective on talking about the deceased. We were in my dorm room and I was rifling through clothes, blabbering on about something, when I accidentally mentioned my dad.

I immediately backed up, apologized, and changed the subject. She paused, letting my reaction marinate, and decided to tell me, “You know, you can talk about him.” What she did at that moment was give me permission to grieve. And it has had a tremendous impact on me. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Anyone who has anxiety or depression knows the depths that it can take you in the most intimate and gut-wrenching ways. If you are lucky enough to not have these struggles, imagine that you’re on one side of a set of train tracks.

On the other side, you see that thing you really want: a promotion, joy, fulfillment, a family, a partner, etc. You know it’s attainable but unfortunately, your feet are cemented in concrete.

While you’re stuck there, a train is whizzing by, making the most awful of noises, screeching and screaming as it trucks by. You can see glimpses of that thing you want most, reminding you that it’s right there for the taking but you can’t seem to break free to grasp it. That’s what it has felt like being in the depths of anxiety and depression.

The Borderline Personality Disorder is a whole different monster on top of everything else. It has affected my relationships with almost every partner, friend, boss, and family member. Unable to truly trust my emotions and motives, it has made it difficult to keep a relationship in a healthy condition and maintain boundaries. 

I don’t think people around me unless they were in my tight-knit circle, knew that I was struggling with these things. I’m lucky to be very functional in the eyes of most people, appearing strong, capable, motivated, and successful.

However, on the inside I always used to feel like a fraud. I also had access to therapy, psychiatrists, and helpful mentors who often pushed me in the right direction. I’m still in therapy to this day and recommend it for everyone but I understand that many people cannot access the same services I had the privilege to. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I was thinking about my death! No, seriously! I was taking this course, the Best 3 Months with Gabby Jimenez, which prepares you for the last three months of your life.

We often practiced rituals and exercises to help clear our minds, remove any stored emotional baggage, and mend relationships. One of these exercises I call the deathbed experience. 

In the exercise, Gabby walked us through being on our deathbed. One of the first questions she asked us was, “How does it feel knowing you’re dying?” I had such a visceral reaction to that question. My body tensed up as I thought, “I can’t be dying. I have so much to do.”

I thought about all of the goals I hadn’t achieved, including traveling to Asia or publishing a book. That next month I started looking for a different job and started to prioritize the things that really mattered to me. 

Fast-forward to now: I’m working my dream job and I’ve just published my first book, I’ll See You in Your Dreams Tonight: A Book of Hope for Grieving Kids. I’m still working on that trip to Asia but I’m motivated to start achieving these dreams I’ve held in for so long. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started to align my daily actions with what I wanted my legacy to be. For example, I want to be a beacon of hope and love for those who are grieving. I believe that it’s my purpose in life to assist the world in this way.

So, I–slowly–-researched certification programs to become an end-of-life doula. It took me about 9 months full of little milestones (like take a look at this one, or contact this other one) to decide on a program and apply. But I did it! That’s the key: don’t rush yourself. Build slowly. 

The other thing I did was stop trying to control my happiness or force myself to only have good days. For example, I’m in raw grief while I’m doing this interview. I’m overwhelmed by sorrow because I lost my dog just this morning, even though she was very young.

But just because I’m mourning, doesn’t mean that I’m not happy in life. Being happy to me means accepting all of the emotions as they come without judgment. I still experience anxiety and depression but I no longer beat myself up about feeling those things.

I just recognize that I’m having a bad day or week, and make a plan of what I need in order to cope with that. Sometimes that looks like a long cry in a hot shower or picking up meal-prepped dinners to eliminate a task off my plate.

Lastly, I found joy in helping other people. For me, that looks like volunteering at a dog shelter or walking dogs with behavioral needs. This has actually turned into a part-time job for me as I am a dog-sitter for dogs with special needs now. This brings me a lot of peace knowing that I’m contributing positive things back to the world. What can you do to give back? 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

It’s difficult to share my mental health struggles with people because of the stigma that society holds around these types of struggles. I have always been scared of being told that it could be worse because I have always felt guilty for having these conditions, knowing that people do go through far worse. 

I’m very fortunate to have a boss that is understanding so I feel comfortable sharing with her and taking mental health days when I need it. I also have a close circle of friends who I can rely on when I need to. And of course, my partner. He is truly supportive, which is incredible given the fact that he doesn’t have any mental health struggles.

A lot of people who don’t deal with these same struggles can be very insensitive or not understanding because they’ve never experienced the depths of these issues. But he is not like that, thankfully. 

Recently, I had to find a new psychiatrist because almost every time I talked to my old one, he’d comment “Well, you don’t look depressed.” That comment was so invalidating and hurtful because I want my practitioners to see me for who I really am so that they can effectively help me.

That’s one lesson I’ve learned: you need to trust your mental health professionals. I’ve “fired” more therapists than I can count until I found one that I love and that can read me easily. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

That change starts with tiny, incremental adjustments. I have always heard this advice but didn’t believe it until I started rock collecting. My therapist recommended that every day I complete the action of my new habit, that I collect a tiny pebble.

Slowly, as I progressed in that habit I could pick up a larger stone and eventually a good-sized rock. What I ended up with was an incredible pile of rocks that meant so much to me and a polished habit that I was proud of. 

So, start small. If you’re trying to get into therapy, just plan to research 3 therapists a week. If you’re looking to drink more water, start by finding a water bottle you like and bringing that with you to bed. When we try to uproot our lives and change everything, we get overwhelmed and often end up feeling as though we failed. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The book, The Wisdom of Insecurity, by Alan Watts, helped me realize that our pain is not outside of us. Once we accept that our pain, mental or physical, is part of us and that we own it, we can start to heal in a more holistic and natural way. 
• Another book, From Here to Eternity, by Caitlin Doughty, completely changed my view on grief and life. It opened my eyes to the fact that there are other cultures that could teach us healthier ways to grieve and process tough emotions. This book put the idea of deathcare as a profession into my sight. 
• The Write Method Journal, by Anna David and Josh Lichtman, helped me outline my daily habits and dreams so that I could achieve things in a more tangible and inspiring way. Plus, who doesn’t love a good journal? 
• The podcast, Life Kit, by NPR, has always helped me in life. They touch on all different topics but I’ve found great, helpful advice that’s not only improved my life but is interesting to listen to.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me at my website, Grief Is Good, or on Instagram, LinkedIn or TikTok. I also have a monthly newsletter that is all about healthy grieving. You can sign up for that here and I welcome you to email me your grief story!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Embracing Emotions Helps Me Live Happily Despite Navigating Losses & Depression appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, I’m Justyna, and I currently live in the heart of London with my wonderful boyfriend.

For the past few years, I’ve been working in a Business Support role at a prestigious London University. Recently, I’ve also started my own coaching business, dedicated to helping women find fulfillment in their careers and family lives.

When I’m not spending time with loved ones or hitting the gym, you’ll usually find me diving into the world of research, particularly related to mental and physical health and a sense of purpose. Learning something new every day is my biggest passion.

As for happiness, I’ve never felt more content. To me, it’s all about the journey of aligning my actions with my values and desires. I’m finally being true to myself, and that’s what makes me genuinely happy.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My mental health journey has been an intricate odyssey that began in my teenage years. It all started when I transitioned to junior high school and stopped dancing ballet, which had been a significant part of my life.

Dancing ballet and performing on stage made me feel unique, important, and confident among my peers. However, leaving that behind left me feeling like I didn’t quite fit in with “normal” teenagers. 

During this challenging period, my best friend was my rock. We shared everything deeply, and their support helped me navigate these life-changing moments. However, as high school progressed, my best friends distanced themselves from me, seeking new friendships.

I felt I had become too dependent on them, and their decision to end our friendship during my final year of high school was devastating. I found myself without friends and support during a crucial time when I was preparing for exams that would determine my future.

Determined to escape my sad reality, I carried on with a plan my best friend and I had made earlier to study abroad in the UK. I couldn’t envision my life in Poland, as it seemed like everything had come to an end there. After high school graduation, I packed my bags and headed to England to work and eventually start university.

Although I didn’t get into the degree I had initially hoped for, I chose to study maths, which had been a source of comfort during my challenging teenage years.

My journey in England was marked by new experiences, meeting amazing people, and starting university. But it also came with its own set of difficulties. Studying math in a foreign language was tough, and I struggled to make friends as many people already had established connections.

I felt excluded and lonely once again, leading me to isolate myself and distance myself from family and friends. I became a people-pleaser with the friends I did have contact with, pretending everything was fine and prioritizing their needs over my own well-being.

Eventually, I failed my first year of university, and later my grandmother’s passing added to the emotional turmoil. I decided to move to London where I pursued psychology with cognitive neuroscience.

While my academic life improved, I faced challenges at work. I became emotionally involved in a restaurant job, taking on more responsibilities without adequate support. The manager’s behavior towards me was inappropriate, I experienced sexual verbal abuse and I ultimately left the job.

Then the pandemic hit, and I struggled to find employment, leading me to move to South London for an underpaid job. I felt like an outsider among coworkers of the same nationality who imposed their rules on me. Despite a seemingly friendly general manager, there were mixed signals and uncomfortable situations. I decided to quit once more, feeling voiceless.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

During my teenage years, I became increasingly introverted and shy, feeling like I didn’t quite fit in. Stopping ballet, something that had made me feel special, was a major turning point. I went from being a class leader to just another face in the crowd.

I embarked on a journey to rediscover myself and find where I truly belonged. I became very private about my feelings and distanced myself from family and friends.

Leaving my home country and studying abroad presented its own set of challenges. I experienced months of intense loneliness, barely leaving my student hall. I slept during the day, avoiding people for weeks. I felt emotionally numb, happy for others’ successes but powerless in my own life.

Living conditions in my accommodation, including a lack of heating and bedbugs, only made things worse. I couldn’t envision a future, thinking that maybe not everyone could be happy, and perhaps I was meant to sacrifice for others, not find happiness myself.

When I failed at university, my parents urged me to make a quick decision about my future, not wanting me to take a gap year. Surprisingly, this pressure forced me out of my depressive state and compelled me to act. I secured a spot at a university in London, a city that felt incredibly daunting and vast at the time. Despite my reservations, I decided to embrace this opportunity and planned to relocate as soon as possible.

In the early years of my London journey, I grappled with loneliness. I pushed myself to socialize with co-workers and went on numerous dates, but despite my efforts, I struggled to form genuine connections with anyone.

During this time, I changed jobs frequently, holding nine different positions over five years. Unfortunately, I found myself consistently unhappy in these roles.

I either overworked myself or felt disrespected due to my gender or nationality, which severely impacted my self-esteem and my belief that things could ever improve.

It was baffling to me that, despite my knowledge and skills, I often felt like my management and friends treated me as if I were expendable, rather than appreciating my contributions. This constant treatment left me feeling exhausted, powerless, and as if I were worth no more than a bag of garbage.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After completing my bachelor’s degree, I decided to pursue a master’s in occupational psychology, driven by my desire to understand how organizations could treat employees without respect and still expect exceptional performance. Concurrently, I secured a position in higher education where, for the first time, I felt valued as a human being. 

Life finally seemed to be on an upswing until the unexpected passing of my father while I was deeply engrossed in writing my dissertation. It was a shattering blow at a time when I had begun to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Despite this heartbreaking setback, one of the reasons I pressed on was to ultimately achieve distinction in my dissertation, as I didn’t want to burden my mom with any additional stress.

My grief became a catalyst for change, prompting me to embark on a profound journey of self-discovery. It was during this period that I unearthed my core values and redefined how I wanted to lead my life. I began contemplating the future, cultivating deeper connections, and learning to appreciate the people around me.

These changes allowed me to grow closer to my family and develop a healthier, more meaningful relationship with my boyfriend. Together, we began to envision a shared future and charted the path toward it, aligning our goals and aspirations.

I would say it took me around 5 years of constant battle until my dad’s passing away was the moment when the world stopped for me, but it didn’t stop for others. So, I had to learn how to start living my new life, and I am still learning.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

When my world came to a halt, I found myself in survival mode. Even though I didn’t want to, I knew I had to take steps to benefit my body and mind.

So, I started attending gym classes to tend to my physical health, aiming to strengthen my mental resilience and surround myself with individuals on similar journeys towards positive change.

It was at the gym that I crossed paths with a few remarkable women who became my gym buddies, holding me accountable for our shared commitment to attending classes regularly.

Simultaneously, I began reestablishing connections with my family, making it a point to communicate with them on a weekly basis. I also started prioritizing quality time with my boyfriend and friends.

My travels to visit family in Poland increased significantly during the year my dad passed away. I found myself flying back around five times, often for birthdays and special occasions, which was considerably more frequent than in previous years combined.

During this time, journaling became a vital outlet. I began writing letters to myself, documenting how I felt each day and expressing my hopes for brighter days ahead. It was a roller coaster of emotions.

I diligently worked on maintaining a healthy routine, focusing on regular exercise, adequate sleep, nourishing meals, and no alcohol, all while engaging with positive, supportive individuals. However, there were still moments of struggle.

After several months, when I began to sense a gradual return of control over my life and felt that I was navigating my grief a bit more effectively, I decided to seize an opportunity and explore life coaching. This experience played a pivotal role in helping me recognize and celebrate my achievements.

It allowed me to start feeling genuinely proud of myself and gradually boosted my self-esteem and confidence. Through this transformative process, I discovered the powerful, resilient woman I had always been but had struggled to unleash.

I’m now much more conscious of what I’ve overcome, the milestones I’ve achieved, and my unwavering potential to create the life I’ve always envisioned.

In the process, I made the tough decision to distance myself from certain friends. I realized I was putting in more effort than I received, and it became frustrating when my efforts weren’t fully appreciated.

I didn’t feel the support I needed, so I reevaluated my friendships, choosing to invest my energy only in those who reciprocated and valued our connection. This period was intense, spanning several months to a year, and I acknowledge that I’m still a work in progress.

What truly aided my healing journey was persistently taking care of my mental and physical health, even when all I wanted was to do nothing and indulge in sugary treats.

I kept pushing forward, and my healthier body became a cornerstone for nurturing a healthier mind. Furthermore, having people I could trust and be completely authentic with significantly expedited my healing process.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Opening up about my struggles became a pivotal moment in my healing journey, and it only happened after my dad passed away. At that point, I felt compelled to share my thoughts and emotions with my boyfriend and my closest friends, individuals who had undergone similar experiences.

I initiated these conversations because I wanted them to understand the emotional turbulence I was going through. I needed them to know that if I inadvertently hurt them, it was never my intention.

However, when it came to strangers or friends who had a habit of monopolizing conversations and not truly listening, I wasn’t comfortable discussing my struggles with them.

Additionally, I wanted to shield my mom from the initial wave of grief as things were still incredibly fresh and raw. It felt easier to confide in individuals I trusted implicitly, those who genuinely cared about my well-being and were willing to create a space where I could talk without the pressure of being cheered up.

As time passed, sharing my mental health struggles became more natural, especially with my family. I grew more mature and processed a substantial amount of emotions.

Nowadays, I engage in deep conversations with my sisters, working through various topics together. This level of openness and support has become possible because we’ve collectively put in the effort to address our past experiences, helping us connect on a profound level.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You have more power over your life than you are giving yourself credit for.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Personal Life Coaching enabled me to recognize my value, my achievements, and my boundless inner strength.
• Podcast: Diary of CEO provided me with valuable insights and strategies for optimizing both my mental and physical well-being
• The book Unfuck Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life by Gary John Bishop made me recognize the self-imposed limitations I’ve placed on myself, realizing that I am the sole obstacle preventing me from attaining the things I truly desire
• The book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver made me understand that miscommunication within relationships is often a complex interplay of various factors, not simply a matter of blaming others or myself.
  It’s about how we perceive conflicts, appreciate differing perspectives, and consider multiple contributing elements. As a result, I no longer take things as personally as before. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of people’s underlying intentions, and I’m less quick to become easily disheartened.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I am very active on my TikTok account and Youtube channel where I share some tips and tricks to improve everyone’s daily life. You can also find me on Linkedin or read more on my website.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

In today’s world, I actively promote open dialogue about challenges, with a strong desire to ensure that everyone feels heard and truly understood. It’s become evident that genuine conversation has become a rarity, where few truly listen or deeply care about your thoughts and emotions.

This unfortunate reality often leads people to believe they must turn to therapists to process their feelings. It’s disheartening because there’s another way.

My personal journey of self-discovery illuminated the profound importance of active listening. I learned that contributing isn’t always necessary; sometimes, all that’s needed is a compassionate ear.

This realization is one of the driving forces behind my decision to start my own business, where I assist women in clarifying their aspirations, affirming that their dreams are attainable, and guiding them on the path to achieving those dreams—all while safeguarding their mental well-being. I firmly believe that you can achieve everything you desire, but it requires a focused approach, tackling one aspect at a time

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Journey From Moving Abroad and Loneliness to Finding Happiness in Myself appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Karina and I’m from the Philippines in Southeast Asia. I’m 59 and have been a widow for almost three years. I live with my two grown children (they’re both single still!) and two lovely fur babies–a spunky Russell terrier named Gigi and an adorable pug named Mosey.

I’m a writer by profession. I’ve been doing freelance writing for clients from various industries after leaving my office job in 2009. Currently, I’m a Content Administrator for RentPost, a property management software company based in Tampa, Florida. 

I work from home (yes, everything I do is on a remote work arrangement long before it became the “in-thing” during the Coronavirus pandemic). Best decision I ever made since it allows me to travel whenever I want to, go on weekly lunches with my besties, and do training sessions or take long walks with my dogs (who have become my life these days!).

I have a passion for the outdoors and used to trek a lot pre-pandemic. These days, I go on regular early morning walks with my Jack Russell to get those happy hormones working. This particular dog breed needs lots of exercise so it’s a win-win situation for both of us. Mosey, my Pug, is a couch potato and gets my undivided attention during Netflix sessions in the evening. Dogs really work magic when it comes to dealing with loneliness and depression. No wonder they own the top spot for animal assisted therapy!

Yes, I am definitely happy. But it almost took me a lifetime to realize that. It must have been because of my unique life circumstances. I lost my Mom and two sisters in a sea tragedy over forty years ago. I was only 15 then. and growing up without a mom during your teenage years was plain difficult. 

Although I come from a large family of seven siblings, there was no one around to walk me through the awkward phase of adolescence or offer some relationship advice (which, looking back, is really crucial!).

At 25, I got married to a loving husband and father to my two kids. However, he did have a major struggle with substance abuse. And I was the co-dependent who saw him through it all.

Late night outs or even a few days of not coming home was the norm for my husband. We also had our share of vehicular accidents and occasional brushes with the law. It came to a point when our motor insurer was already thinking twice about renewing our annual policy. They were losing money on our claims.

The clincher was a criminal case filed against my husband for possession of illegal substances. Good thing the offense was bailable. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever think of being in a courtroom, not with the plaintiff, but with the accused. You see, I come from a mildly influential family in our city, my dad having served as its congressman and mayor in the past.

The court hearings stretched through the years due to the pandemic and it was slowly eating up the both of us. Then, in December 2020, just a few months before judgment could be passed, my husband died in his sleep. It was a painless death that I, and the rest of the family, saw as divine intervention.

My husband had always said that he would rather take his own life than spend the rest of it in jail if he was found guilty. On the other hand, there was this huge possibility that he would go back to his vices if he got acquitted. So God decided to step in and save him from all that.

From my end, that was a huge revelation regarding the principle of fate, destiny, or karma. How we exit from this earthly existence isn’t really determined by how we live–it is wholly dependent on God’s mercies.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) when I sought professional help in 2021. I was struggling with anxiety and depression after my husband and brother passed away eight months apart the year before. 

I couldn’t perform simple tasks like cleaning the bathroom or planning the weekly menu. Thinking of what to cook for the next meal was overwhelming. Little things like the water pump conking out, the dogs missing a feeding, or my household helper going on her weekend off seemed like the end of the world. I had to stop driving because I would have a panic attack at the most unexpected moments.

Funny, but those who knew what I went through during married life were saying I should be relieved now that all the stress was over. True, but my body must have been so accustomed to stress that my system went haywire with the abrupt change. I thrived on stress and was so used to finding solutions to problems and issues that the lack of it was sort of boring.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

While the physical symptoms were typical–nausea, breathlessness, and elevated heart rate–depression numbed me on the inside. I was constantly staring into space, forcing myself to laugh at supposedly funny moments but finding it extremely difficult to cry. Looking back, I never shed a tear during my 36-month battle with depression.

My struggle with anxiety and depression also took its toll on my writing. I experienced brain fog and writer’s block, and what normally took me a couple of hours to write took several days to complete. 

I also lost a lot of weight–which was very welcome at the start since I’m on the curvy end. But I did panic when my weight fell below 120 lbs (from a normal of 135-140 lbs.) I was only eating about 2-3 spoonfuls per meal.

My sister and a few close friends knew what I was going through and they were a BIG help. They were very supportive and communicated with each other, making sure someone took me out to an occasional lunch or out-of-town trip just to ‘get away from it all”.

I also informed both of my children about what I was going through so they would understand my actions. I was so blessed they offered to fill in for what I couldn’t get done.

Throughout this time, I continued going out with friends. I would even drop work in the middle of the week to go for a short overnight out-of-town trip. But coming home even made things worse.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Things started to turn around when I saw a psychiatrist. She was simply brilliant. I’ve been to other shrinks in the past but they were kind of patronizing, which doesn’t work for bullheaded individuals like me. But this one quickly zeroed in on the real issue I was facing, which was probably the cause of my depression.

My shrink told me I was at a point in life when ideally, I could have comfortably saved up for retirement (which I have not) and had the fear of facing the future alone. After a short assessment, she gave me the GAD diagnosis and recommended I go on medication.

One thing I learned about seeing a shrink–they’re simply there to walk you through your struggles; everything else depends on YOU. Even the decision to opt for simple counseling or go on medication.

I opted for the latter and first went on sertraline (brand name Zoloft, which I struggled with), then with escitalopram (Lexapro), which worked wonders for me. I took it for a year, resumed writing and traveling during that period, and then weaned off, thinking I was feeling okay. 

I was good for a couple of months until the anxiety started creeping in again for no reason. I resumed medication for another four months and am now off it for the past six months.

Anxiety and depression can be cyclical, I was told. One just needs to be aware of their unique triggers. For instance, some may start feeling lonely after the holidays or following a momentous event. Others may be triggered by memories associated with certain places, people, or even things.

I must say things will turn around when you choose to, so I think it was 100% the result of my own actions in my case. We cannot control life circumstances, but we can control our actions.

It was I who decided to see a shrink. It was I who decided to go on medication. There were no notable circumstances that affected my struggle to overcome depression–everything was normal and typical.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

For starters, I think the first and only essential step you need to take is to accept that you need help. What really helped me was having family and friends around (but be sure not to wear them out to the point that you become a burden).

To a depressed person, everything is impossible. Even making that initial appointment with a shrink seems impossible. The depressed person will continually procrastinate and put things off.

In my case, my sister set up the appointment for me and even offered to drive me to the clinic. She also had her assistant purchase my initial round of medication.

I have this small group of childhood friends I regularly hang out with and they were a big help as well. Even though it was difficult, I forced myself to socialize with them so I could leave the confines of home. There’s a bigger world out there and anyone suffering from depression has to know that. 

I also carefully chose the people I shared my struggles with. I found comfort in those who simply listened and did nothing much except to be with me at that moment. My advice to anyone living or associating with someone who is depressed: Listen well and listen with compassion.

Never say they’re facing such a small issue. Never cut a conversation short to offer a piece of advice or give an example of your own struggles that could have been worse. It sucks!

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As mentioned earlier, my sister was instrumental in my recovery. My “girl gang” also did their share by taking me out to lunches, bringing me along on their travels, or simply sending my favorite food on no occasion.

I felt most comfortable sharing my struggles with friends who’ve been through tough times themselves. Scarred people make the most compassionate friends.

In contrast, I was most uncomfortable talking about my struggles with arrogant or condescending personalities who make you think their horror stories are worse than yours. Or their successes better than yours. So be very careful in choosing the people to whom you bare your heart and soul, warts and all.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

The moment loneliness or despair sets in, see the glass as half full rather than half empty. We are blessed beyond what we think.

It’s all a matter of perspective. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. Tend your own garden, no matter how small it may be. That way, you can bloom where you are planted and send out the flowers when all is well.

There’s really nothing I wished I knew earlier – every circumstance and event in my life happened for a reason and a purpose. I believe I wouldn’t be the best version of myself if things happened in a different way.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I’ve read these books at different stages of my life and continue to re-read them whenever I need some inspiration.

• The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren has helped me zero in on why am I here on earth and how I can find meaning in all that life has to offer.
• Simple Abundance: 365 Days to a Balanced and Joyful Life is every woman’s bible which helps you develop a keen perception of the little blessings in your daily life.
• The Art of War by Sun Tzu is my all-time favorite book on survival and how to address conflicts and struggles.
• Good Morning God by Pamela Steinke is a must-read for anyone suffering from anxiety or depression.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on LinkedIn.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

I’d just like to emphasize this more:

Depression isn’t a weakness of character; rather it stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain resulting from sustained stress or sudden emotional losses. It can even be genetic.

Depression is a complex and serious condition so never be afraid to seek help from a therapist, psychiatrist, or counselor. And if you can’t get yourself to set an appointment, reach out to someone who can do it for you.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Experience With Grief and Depression and Why Social Support is so Important appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Miku, a 24-year-old Japanese woman. Since I got married to a Sicilian, I currently live in Sicily with my husband and a cat we rescued from the street.

I work as a co-worker at a company in Tokyo, and I am pursuing a career design course for high school and university students to inspire young people to live their own lives.

I consider myself a very happy person because I have many people whom I hold dear, including my family, family-in-laws, friends, and students, and I am extremely passionate about my job.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggled with the loss of important people. After moving to Sicily, all the members of my husband’s family treated me as a real family member, and I began to feel at home with them. Eventually, all of them became very important to me.

My grandfather remarried three years ago, and both he and his wife welcomed me to their wedding party. They shared a deep love, and I used to think I wanted a relationship like theirs in the future.

One day, my mother-in-law informed me that my grandfather was very sick and going to the hospital. Three days later I talked to the grandmother about what we would do after he left the hospital, he passed away and didn’t come back.

I couldn’t bear to see my grandmother’s tearful face, and it was only when I saw him lifeless that the reality hit me.

Two months later, my other grandmother-in-law became seriously ill, and my mother-in-law told me that she was close to death. Since we lived close to her, I used to visit her home to chat, much like I would with my real grandmother.

One week later when I received the news, my mother-in-law said, ‘Now is the last chance to say goodbye.’ I saw her in a very sick and weakened state, and I realized I needed to say my farewell. Witnessing my mother-in-law and her sisters crying was an experience I had never had before.

Three days after we held the funeral for my grandmother-in-law, I received an unexpected phone call from my mother. I couldn’t believe the words she spoke, which were, ‘Your grandmother passed away yesterday.’ It was especially hard to accept because I was far away from Japan.

However, after I saw her lifeless face during the funeral through a video call, I finally came to terms with her loss. She had suddenly suffered a heart attack and died at the hospital. The last time we met was a year ago before I moved to Sicily.

We had plans to return to Japan, and she was eagerly looking forward to our reunion. It was the first time I had ever seen my grandfather cry, and it was a heart-wrenching moment.

Before the funeral, I asked my mother for some assistance with my husband’s small issue. Unexpectedly, after I sent her the message, she revealed a secret which she was trying to keep hidden until her death. She told me, “Five months ago, I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and spent several days in the ICU(intensive care unit).”

The doctors had discovered that she had a heart problem, which turned out to be the same disease as my grandmother’s. When I heard this revelation, it marked the beginning of my most challenging and emotionally turbulent period.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I lost three family members in a short period of time and I felt like I was going to lose everyone (my father and grandfather also have serious illnesses) before I could go back to Japan to visit them. I couldn’t stop crying when I thought about what I had lost, so I just kept busy, working, and going out with my husband and his family.

However, I saw people die so frequently in such a short period of time that every night when I closed my eyes, I could easily imagine my mother, father, and grandfather‘s dead face. It kept me awake for four days and my husband woke up every time I cried, even though it was 4 am. These were very difficult days for me.

They were short and occasional, but I was able to think positively. That is because I am usually a very positive person. At those times I would think things like, “If I could get through this hardship, you will be stronger” or “Let’s not focus on what we have lost, let’s focus on what we have.”

I showed my husband all my emotions and told my colleagues a lot about my struggles. My husband accepted all my emotions and this helped me to recover from my predicament.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

About four days after I heard that my mother had been taken to the ICU, things started to turn around. I cried for a long time, but my husband said, “What does your grandmother want you to do? Do what your grandmother wants you to do.”

Thanks to these words, I soon realized that the only thing my grandmother wanted from me was to be happy. Once I realized this, the cloud over my mind disappeared, the sunshine began to shine through and I began to think positively as before. From this experience, I learned that if I am unhappy, none of the people I care about will be happy.

If I consider asking people for help and sharing my feelings with others as “my actions“, then almost 100% of the improvement is due to my actions. I have decided to reject some of the negativity.

Also, since I started to think about “appreciating what I have“, I have increased my communication with my family. I call my mother on the phone daily, actively message my family, and send photos and dairy products to my grandfather.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

When you lose a loved one and feel the worst, there are three steps to help you get over it. They are: not forcing yourself to do anything, revealing your feelings and worries to someone you can disclose them to, and focusing on what you have.

When I look back on why I was able to overcome this so quickly, I realize that these steps helped me a lot.

First, don’t push yourself too hard. This may be hard to understand, so let me give you an example. When you lose someone you love, your heart breaks so much. At such times, the best thing you can do is to be honest with yourself.

If you want to cry, you can cry. If you want to play, you can play.” There is nothing that “has to be this way”. I encourage you to listen to your heart and do what your heart says: “What do I want to do? I cried until I felt better.

Second, you need to disclose your feelings to someone you can open up to. It is very difficult to keep emotions hidden. I am a very ‘open’ person and if I have a problem, I immediately talk to someone about it. This is because every time I confide in someone about my problems, they quickly disappear.

Also, this time, when I confided all my feelings to my husband, he gave me words that triggered a mental change. Not only my husband but also my family-in-law and colleagues have supported me. If you need help, don’t hesitate to ask for it.

Third, focus on what you have, not what you have lost. It can be difficult to think this way when you are depressed, as you see a tunnel, but when you are ready to get back on your feet, consciously think about what you have.

When I experienced loss, I reflected on what I had. And that I have a husband who accepts me for all I am, a family who always cares, colleagues who let me think about my family without worrying about work, a job I love, and smiles on the faces of my students! When I look at what I have, I realize that I have so much. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As I mentioned before, I am a very “open” person, so I can tell everyone, but of course very close people, like my husband, family, colleagues, and friends. I would also like to share with anyone who has experienced similar struggles.

After I overcame it, I am sharing this story with people who need it. I have already told about 10 people. I understand that sharing mental health problems is very difficult for some people, but having mental health problems is normal and you overcome them anyway.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You never know when you might lose someone you care about. When we have time together, let’s think about whether we will regret it or not. I started to think this way when I became very reluctant to speak to my grandfather, who had already passed away, on the phone and tried to hang up as soon as possible.

It was only a few days later that I realized that that phone call was the last communication I could make with my grandfather before he passed away. Since then, I have learned to cherish the time I have with my family and always try to be with them so that I don’t regret it.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar: It helped me to know what happiness is.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find me on Instagram, and check out my career school.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Griefed Multiple Losses While Dealing With Long Distances appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Cyn Kubiak. People call me intense, yet I like to try to find humor in everything I can.

I was born and raised in the San Diego area, where I enjoyed surfing and running. My late husband and I took multiple vacations a year to shark-diving destinations.

I worked most of my career as a self-employed graphic designer. For over 20 years, I provided my clients with design and copywriting from concept to finish. I was quite successful, owing my prosperity to my faith in God and the talent I was blessed with.

I remarried 8 years after my late husband’s murder, and now live in the Northern Mariana Islands.

I believe happiness is an individual choice, but there were times when the circumstances in my life made it seem I had no choice but to be miserable.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My struggle is overcoming the shooting death of my husband which happened right before my eyes. We were married for 20 years. My husband, Patrick, struggled with depression and addiction his entire life so you could say the issues began with our marriage.

Patrick’s issues stemmed from parental physical and emotional abuse. He had radical ups and downs, and I was on that same ride alongside him. He lived as though he wanted to die, and a lot of times his daredevil ventures were a lot of fun for me.

But his suicide attempts were not, and I lived in fear that I might find him dead in the garage at any given time. Yet I stood beside him, eager to fix what was wrong.

My struggles were even darker after I witnessed his inhumane and unnecessary murder by law enforcement. It was an unspeakable horror that I eventually summoned up enough courage to write about.

In doing so I had to reveal the truth about my own shortcomings, as I am not blameless in all of this. This true story unfolds in the book I wrote as part of my recovery, Immune To Murder, which is currently being made into a movie.

Early on I tried to find happiness in everything I could, but when it came to my late husband’s depression, even surfing or running couldn’t make me feel better long enough.

I found myself on anti-depression medication to cope. The medication did not work long-term and I had to find other ways to cope, to heal myself. I still think about it every day.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

First Patrick’s depression caused work issues. He was so depressed that he didn’t go to work for 6 months, I was angry about having to work extra hard without his contribution.

When I would go into the garage in the morning and find him asleep in the van instead of at work, I would feel desperate. He would ignore me, which infuriated me. At the same time, I lived a life of fear that I would find him dead. I felt useless and forgotten. He treated me as if I wasn’t even there.

His work issue caused me to live in fear that we would drown in debt and never get our lives back. The anxiety of having to work so hard because he wasn’t made me put that before everything else.

My friends wanted to know what was happening but I ignored them, ignored my family, and even ignored Patrick. I was angry at him almost incessantly.

He ignored me for so long that out of revenge I had an affair to try to get him to pay attention to me. He still ignored me, which fueled the fire to continue the affair. The affair made me feel terrible and I really hated myself. It was the lowest I could go, and all it did was hurt all the way to the tragic end.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

My business eventually began to take off and I started to earn more money. I thought that might change things. The extra money enabled me to buy Patrick all types of items I thought he would like and enjoy. He found temporary satisfaction in the acquisition of material things.

He hoarded surfboards, skateboards, and guns. He had multiple of all these things, which I knew we didn’t need. But I kept my mouth shut because I knew it made him happy. We also went on 3-4 vacations a year.

This was a great time for both of us. I was happy when he was happy. He was not suicidal during this time, and this was during the first 13 years of our marriage. We were both having the time of our lives.

This lies in sharp contrast to my indescribable terror as I watched my husband die, shot to death right in front of me. It took me a long time to get over the shock, and there is a part of me that will never stop grieving.

Years later, I met my present husband. I felt love again after so much pain. Writing Immune To Murder helped me sort out the confusion I still felt as to why things happened the way they did.

It gave me the opportunity to share my experiences with the hope that my true story may help others by increasing awareness about mental illness and not avoiding speaking out about this very critical issue.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

First, one thing to avoid is spending money on material things. A new this or that may give you some momentary happiness but won’t help in the long run.

Trying to keep my husband out of depression was costly with vacations, toys, and more. It began to take a toll on our credit cards and we entered a journey into a spiraling abyss of debt. When we stopped spending it put a strain on our marriage. He would still buy things we didn’t need.

We enjoyed surfing and water-related sports but when he walked into our house with our 36^th surfboard, I had to say something besides that it was beautiful.

I told him we didn’t need it. He told me he bought it with his money. But his money was our money. I didn’t keep fighting about it because he was happy. It was impossible to talk sense to him.

At that point, I focused on the memories I had of our good times and made it my mission to get them back. So I worked extra hard, long nights and weekends.

This took me away from Patrick and made me focus on something other than him, which was good for me, but not good for our marriage, even though we needed the money. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.

After his murder, I seriously thought about joining him. But I had a beautiful daughter and two loving dogs. I thought of my family whose grief would be compounded if I took my life away from them.

One thing I did was to force myself to get back into the water, something I loved instead of staying in the house crying. Getting back to surfing began my journey to a new “me”.

The ocean has a way of washing away whatever feels wrong. This was my best therapy. I strongly advise others to find something they love to do and rekindle their spirit to make good things happen.

A second thing I did was to find ways to laugh. I read astrophysics textbooks out loud to my dogs at night in my best but very bad British accent. It made me laugh at myself.

I also slept on Patrick’s side of the bed, which made me feel less alone. I prayed a lot. In a terrible way, I felt relief that I didn’t have to worry about Patrick killing himself anymore. I wanted to be alone because I didn’t want to burden others with my grief. This felt right to me.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Sharing these issues was difficult. It was no secret to my friends and family that something was wrong in my relationship with Patrick especially when we were all together.

His behavior was unpredictable and bizarre. I always covered for him, even when he was embarrassing me. He acted crazy and I was his caretaker.

One could say he ruled my life, but I let him. I loved him intensely and he was a lot of fun. When things got bad for us, some of my friends would tell me I should think about divorce, but I didn’t want to because I still had it in my head that I was going to fix him.

He was my life, and I enjoyed the challenge of keeping him happy because I was happy when he was. I thought divorce would push him over the edge into suicide mode and I wouldn’t even consider it.

In order to get my anti-depression medication, I had to go see a psychiatrist. I told him my story but the sessions did not help me. I had to repeat myself over and over again, reminding myself of my misery, which in turn kept me from escaping it. I was not able to get any advice that I didn’t already know. I found it to be a gut-wrenching waste of time.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Do what you love, even when you’re still hurting. The more you do what you love the better you will feel.

You can’t change a person. Either you can live with your circumstances or you can’t. Change what you can change. It’s a choice that’s never easy. The choice I made to stay with my husband through his worst times was one I don’t regret.

I believe I delayed his self-destruction and therefore prolonged his life. I tried to give him the best life possible. I think this made me a much stronger person.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

This may sound weird, but reading textbooks on subjects that were challenging for me in college helped me think about something other than my pain. Reading out loud kept my mind from wandering, and I began to ask myself questions while I read.

This prompted me to do a lot of research and I learned a lot. It took my mind away from wallowing in horrible memories and made me think of a world much larger than myself. This was a huge step for me.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

My book, Immune To Murder is available on Amazon. It reveals the entire truth about my life living with someone who was mentally ill… 

You can also read more about me here, or on Instagram and Facebook.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Navigating the Tragic Death of My Husband and Finding Purpose Again appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Amanda Haro & I am an intentional single mom to 4 amazing girls aged 12-6 & the founder & owner of F*ck It Mothering. I am a life coach for moms, teaching them tools to liberate themselves off the backburner so they can break free from the cycle of burnout and overwhelm. I live in Wisconsin & have a shi-poo named Chewbacca.

I used to think that only certain people struggled with depression; and that you had to be genetically predisposed to it. I never identified as a person who struggled with depression, even though I had experienced it in my life before.

I didn’t want to be labeled as someone who was depressed because there was a subconscious thought that it would mean that I was weak; that I was sick.

But now that I have been through major depressive seasons 3 times in my life, I now have a much different perspective and relationship with depression.

My work as a life coach has taught me that our brains are always trying to help us; they just don’t always do a very good job all the time. Very much like a toddler wanting to “help” you around the house: their intentions are pure and they truly want to be helpful, but they oftentimes do a really horrible job.

I now believe that depression is another way that our brains are trying to help us. Depression is a sign that there’s a deep pain that we haven’t processed yet. Our brains see the pain and try to protect us from feeling it by numbing out.

Going back to the toddler analogy, the toddler sees a mess on the floor & covers it up with a blanket as a way to “help” us avoid stress because if we can’t see it, then it can’t hurt us. But of course, it is hurting us.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

As I said before, I have struggled with depression 3 times in my life.

The first time was when I was 16 years old. I had been diagnosed with Guillian-Barre, which is a very rare autoimmune disorder that attacks the nervous system and causes temporary paralysis.

I went from being a healthy, normal teenager heading into her junior year of high school to being laid up in a hospital bed unable to move anything except my head. The recovery took me out of school for the entire year, which was very isolating for me. I was angry, lonely, and subsequently depressed.

The second time was when I was in my 20’s. I was a new mom, had moved 1,800 miles away from all of my family & friends & found myself in a very one-sided marriage.

My husband at the time was completely unavailable to me emotionally & practically, leaving me to raise our 2 kids completely on my own with no support system. 2 kids later, nothing had changed.

I was very depressed but also riddled with shame over my situation, so I pushed through & made excuses for my husband to cover up how bad things had gotten in our home. 

The third time was a year and a half ago when I lost my dad to Covid that he had gotten from me. He had moved to Wisconsin to be with me and my girls and was the only family I had out here.

We were living with him because the pandemic had left my girls and I displaced. After he passed, I became the personal representative of his estate and was suddenly thrust into learning the politics of death as I navigated probate court.

In the span of 6 months, I lost my dad, was forced to move out of his house by family, and also ended a years-long relationship with my partner at the time. The pain that I felt was so deep that I spiraled into the deepest depression yet.

But being a single mom, I had to keep going. So I went on an antidepressant for the first time in my life, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Depression always comes hand-in-hand with shame. Shame says that there’s something wrong with you as a person and makes you want to hide.

Shame is the feeling that keeps you from reaching out for help, from talking to other people about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. Depression also makes you feel really hopeless. Like you will forever be stuck in whatever circumstance you are currently in. 

But speaking as a woman who has risen from the ashes and created a new life for herself more than once: you are never stuck. Those thoughts are just sentences in your brain.

They are just what your brain is offering you. They are not the absolute truth. You get to create your truth for yourself & you get to make new decisions and change your circumstances whenever you want to.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I have always been a person interested in becoming the next best version of myself. When I got to go back to school during my senior year of high school, I stopped caring about what other people thought of me.

I had just lost an entire year of my life & I decided I would never waste time holding myself back from what I wanted to do out of fear of other’s opinions or fear of failure. I had always wanted to act but had been too nervous to really go for it. But my senior year, I went for it & got lead roles all year long.

When I was depressed and lost in my marriage, there was a time when my sister was visiting us. “What’s your favorite flower, sis? I don’t think I’ve ever known”, she asked. At that moment, I realized what a ghost of myself I had become, because I didn’t know either.

I was a pot that had been left on the backburner for so many years that when I looked inside I didn’t recognize what the contents were supposed to be; it was a molten mess of black tar that resembled nothing.

I had already been going to therapy, but I started actually showing up for myself in my daily life too. That was the turning point that led me to complete my marriage, which was the biggest act of self-love I had exercised to date.

When I was struggling again last year, I was sobbing to my therapist because I was so frustrated with finding myself at rock bottom again. “It has to be me. I’m the common denominator in my life. It has to be something with like how I make decisions or something because I keep hitting rock bottom”, I said.

My therapist responded, “I don’t think it’s you. I think you’ve always handled situations & made the best decision at each moment with the tools you had at the time. I think sometimes suffering just happens in a silo.”

I know she meant this to be comforting, but it left me feeling even more depressed & completely helpless. Because if it was true and life was just happening to me, then I was completely powerless to change any of it. I felt like I would be a victim of my life forever.

But then I discovered thought work & life coaching & it gave me the tools I was looking for. I was right: I am the common denominator in my life. Or rather, my brain is. I needed to learn how to change my thoughts in order to change my life.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The first thing I did was go to therapy. The biggest thing my therapist helped me with was realizing that I wasn’t stuck, that I had options, and that I didn’t have to be sad and miserable forever.

The second major thing I did was to start taking care of myself. I started by making a commitment to doing my hair every single day for an entire month.

Then that progressed into waking up before my kids every day so that I could have time to pour into myself before being pulled in 50 different directions.

This step of learning how to take care of myself and making it a priority every single day was the most important step. I would not have been able to make the necessary life changes to improve my happiness if I didn’t first love myself enough to do it.

The third major thing I did was to go to the doctor when I recognized I needed medical intervention. 

The fourth major thing I did was I never gave up. I chose not to stay in the belief that I was stuck. I kept searching, I kept growing, I kept going. Which I was only able to do because I was committed to the work of loving myself.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I have become a very open book. It started with just my inner circle, then grew to acquaintances I had in real life, and now I freely share all of my stories through my podcast.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

It’s never too late to make a new decision. It’s never too late to be who you might have been. You are not stuck.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Unf*ck Your Brain Podcast: This podcast literally changed my life by teaching me thought work tools and introducing me to life coaching.
• Untamed, by Glennon Doyle: This book helped give me a tangible example of the power of loving yourself & having the guts to go for happiness, no matter what it took.
• Rising Strong, by Brene Brown: This book helped give me tools to keep going when I get knocked down.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. My podcast, F*ck It Mothering, can be found anywhere you get your podcasts.

Specific podcast episodes that pertain to what I spoke about here: 

• Shame
• Divorce & Intentional Single Motherhood
• Loving Yourself Series:
  • Be Your Own BFF
  • Be Your Own Valentine
  • My Name is NO (episode on boundaries)
  • My Love is For Me (episode on how to handle rejection)

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Overcoming Shame and Depression by Turning My Life Around With Therapy appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I am DUVII. 

A figurehead embodying the resilience of a dove and the strength of the number seven, a symbol of my seven most challenging life chapters.

Why a dove, you may wonder? Throughout the Ancient Near East and Mediterranean regions, the dove was a symbol representing the mother goddess, associated with love, sexuality, and war. The number seven? It encapsulates the seven most profound stories of struggle, resilience, and strength I have lived through.

But behind this symbology, there’s a layered narrative of resilience and tenacity. As a devoted wife and mother in the fast-paced world of business, I play various roles: the nurturer at home, the cheerleader for my partner, and the innovator in the boardroom. Yet, beneath this multi-faceted persona, I grapple with an internal struggle that challenges my core.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

The struggle I wrestle with is not characterized by an official name, but its impact is profound and widely understood. It is grief, a debilitating and all-encompassing emotion, often experienced following the loss of a loved one. 

The onset of this struggle traces back to 2013 when my world was shattered by the untimely loss of my beautiful daughter, Jumana. She was only three years old when her light was abruptly extinguished. The loss was sudden and merciless, leaving no room for preparation or acceptance, catapulting me into a state of despair and confusion.

Over time, this struggle, this grief, has evolved rather than subsided. It changed from an intense, crushing presence into a constant companion, an undercurrent in the ebb and flow of my daily life. I learned to live alongside it, acknowledging its presence, but not allowing it to consume me completely. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The symptoms of my grief manifested as despair, sorrow, a heightened sense of longing, and at times, a disconcerting numbness. At my worst moments, this struggle would envelop me in a shroud of overwhelming misery. It felt like being submerged in an ocean of pain, where every attempt to surface for air seemed insurmountable.

I was on a constant quest to find pieces of Jumana in every mundane aspect of life, every laughter, every innocent smile. The emptiness was both devastating and palpable, constantly looming over my day-to-day existence.

I immersed myself in work, not as a distraction but as a misguided hope of finding Jumana somewhere in the routines of everyday life. I traveled, only to be met with the raw and unbearable truth – she was not with me.

The intensity of my struggle was, at times, visible to those around me. Yet, in my quest to maintain a semblance of normalcy, I often found myself hiding the depth of my pain.

While my outward facade portrayed a resilient woman carrying on with life, inside, I was grappling with the rawness of my grief. The smiles were often forced, the laughter a performance.

I had become proficient at the art of masking my pain, cloaking it behind the responsibilities of being a mother, a wife, and a professional. I believed that revealing the magnitude of my struggle might impose my sorrow on others, so I bore it mostly in silence and solitude.

However, there were also moments of vulnerability when the weight of my grief was too significant to bear alone. Those were the moments when the facade would crumble, revealing the devastating reality of my loss.

It was during these moments that my struggle was apparent to those closest to me. They bore witness to the profound pain that had deeply imprinted on my life, a testament to a struggle that was deeply personal, yet universally understood by those who have experienced loss.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I was sitting alone in my immense heartache when I also found a lesson; the force of grief is merely the mirror of the love we carry. Grief is love that yearns to be given but finds no recipient. It wells up in our hearts and spills out through our eyes, fills the lumps in our throats, and resonates in the hollow parts of our chests.

This realization marked a turning point in my healing process. I recognized that my identity was not lost but transformed by my experiences.

And, importantly, my purpose was to channel this love, this grief, into something constructive for others, acting as a beacon of hope for those struggling through their dark hours. I began to help people, children in particular, drawing strength from the smiles on their faces.

It was through this transformative journey, I discovered that grieving, healing, and living aren’t linear processes, but intertwined strands of our existence. Healing isn’t about forgetting; it’s about learning to live with loss, about embracing love and pain simultaneously.

This transformation was primarily a result of my own actions, as I sought to channel my grief into expressions that were constructive and cathartic. I’d say the change was 90% the result of my actions and 10% the result of my circumstances.

My realization wasn’t a result of a particular event or change in my surroundings, but rather a deeper understanding of the nature of grief and love that stemmed from introspection.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

A crucial element in my healing journey was music. Music had always been an integral part of my life, but it took on a new significance after Jumana’s passing.

It became a lifeline, a form of expression, and a connection to my daughter. I channeled my feelings into songwriting and composition, creating music that not only helped me process my grief but also reached out to others who might be experiencing similar pain.

‘Goodbye,’ one of my upcoming songs, is a testament to this journey – an ode to Jumana, to loss, to love, and to the resilience of the human spirit. It’s not just about saying goodbye to a loved one, but about finding a way to carry their memory forward with grace and strength.

I also found solace and strength in helping others. I became involved in organizations supporting bereaved families, providing both emotional and financial assistance.

I found a sense of purpose in this work, and it became a part of my healing process. Seeing their resilience, their ability to find joy in life amidst profound loss, continually inspired me.

For those in a similar situation, I would recommend a few things. First, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy can provide valuable tools and strategies for coping with grief, and a therapist can offer a safe, nonjudgmental space to express and understand your feelings.

Secondly, find an outlet for your emotions – be it music, art, writing, or any activity that helps you process your feelings. Lastly, consider reaching out to others who are also grieving. Connect with support groups or organizations where you can share your experiences and draw strength from others who understand your journey. The path of grief is a long and arduous one, but you do not have to walk it alone.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Sharing my struggle initially felt like an insurmountable task. Despite the pain I felt, I found myself hiding my grief from those around me. The people I interacted with daily – friends, colleagues, even extended family – seemed to exist on a different plane.

I felt like an alien in my own life, separated from others by the vast gulf of my grief. I feared that sharing my pain might burden them, or worse, that they might not understand.

Despite this, there were a few individuals I felt comfortable opening up to, especially my husband. We shared the loss of Jumana, and he was one of the few people who could truly understand my pain.

But even within this shared sorrow, there were limits. We grieved differently, and while we supported each other as best we could, I often found myself retreating into solitude to bear the weight of my grief.

One unexpected source of comfort came from my elderly neighbor. His empathetic presence, as someone who had also experienced a profound loss, provided a safe space for me to express my sorrow.

We shared stories of our lost loved ones, and in this shared grief, I found a sense of solace and understanding. Through him, I realized that my pain was not an isolating factor but a connection to others who had experienced a similar loss.

Sharing my struggle has been an essential part of my healing journey. I have learned that it is okay to be vulnerable, to seek support, and to express my feelings openly. It has taught me the importance of community, shared experiences, and the healing power of empathy.

I would encourage anyone going through a similar experience to reach out to those around them, whether they be friends, family, or even acquaintances. You may be surprised by the comfort and understanding you find.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

If I could share a single piece of advice, it would be to remember that it’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay to let that grief shape you. You need to allow yourself to feel the pain, the sorrow, and the emptiness because these emotions are part of your healing journey.

It’s okay to mourn, to miss, and to long for the ones you’ve lost. Your grief is a testament to your love, and that love continues to exist even after loss.

What I wish I knew earlier, and what I want to share, is that you are not alone in your struggle. Grief, in its solitude, can make you feel isolated, but remember that there are others who understand, who empathize, and who are willing to share in your pain.

Reach out to them. Share your stories, your memories, and your feelings. There is comfort to be found in shared sorrow, and through this, you can begin to heal.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

There were two books that really helped me in my healing process-

• The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion: This book, a heartfelt memoir about Joan Didion’s journey of grieving the loss of her husband, helped me realize that my feelings of disorientation and confusion were a normal part of the grieving process. It also gave me a language to express my own grief.
• On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler: This book was instrumental in helping me understand the stages of grief and that what I was experiencing was part of a well-documented process. It helped me accept my feelings and gave me a roadmap to navigate my journey of healing.  

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about my journey and my music through my website. To stay connected on a day-to-day basis, you can follow me on my Instagram. I love sharing my process and inspirations with my followers. My music is available on Apple Music and Spotify.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Navigated Grief By Learning to Embrace Both Love and Pain Together appeared first on Tracking Happiness.