Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Julijana, I live in the Balkan region of Europe. I’m 22 years old, and I’m currently employed by a foreign company. It’s a good job, which allowed me to become self-sufficient at 20.

But the night shift sucks. I don’t have a specific job position, but you can compare it to that of a coordinator. I have been in a very happy relationship for 4 years.

I love that we are growing up together and learning about life and how to be adults. It makes you feel less lonely when you can share your journey with someone. I have also adopted a kitty named Sushi.

She was a garbage cat, and now she is fat and fluffy. I’m also a full-time student, so I cannot commit to a lot of hobbies, but I’m working on finding something that makes me happy.

I have a feeling that I am constantly in a state of transition and searching, whether for a better job, hobby, myself, etc.

I would not consider myself to be a happy person. I am a very worried person, and that affects my everyday life a lot, but I do consider myself grateful for everything I have. I am working on being more of a happy person.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Around the age of 13, I started having a lot of mood swings that were attributed to puberty, but as they grew bigger and bigger, I realized I needed to reach out for help. In the beginning, it was only small mood swings, but eventually, it grew to be a much larger issue.

Around 14, I started having episodes of what I didn’t know was mania. I started getting super hypersexual, and I started spending a lot of my money. I also started to steal from my family members, and every time I did it, I didn’t know why exactly. I just liked the high I got from stealing, and I liked the high of spending that money.

There were a couple of times I went through an episode that endangered my life. Once, I decided to walk on the edge of a bridge ledge, thinking I couldn’t die because I was invincible.

No one really attributed this to something more going on, all of my friends liked it and called me crazy. Crazy and cool are used synonymously in middle and high school.

Later on, around 16, I started having deep depression episodes. Before that, there were times I would get sad, but not like this. Those episodes turned into a lot of guilt and sadness, and I needed to punish myself for something, but I didn’t know what. I had a need to punish myself, so I did.

I started self-harming around that time. I remember everyone asking me where I had seen it and why I was copying people on the internet, but all I wanted was to punish myself. I hid it really well.

This time is a blur. All I remember is going from thinking that my dead grandparent was sending me signals to trying to commit suicide.

After that, I got hospitalized of my own free will. I was there for 2 weeks, and it didn’t help me; it actually left a very bad impression. All they did was secure mentally unstable people not to harm themselves or others, but nothing was done to help anyone.

Around 17, I got hospitalized again, this time for 33 days. I was put on multiple medications that led me to gain a huge amount of weight. It is hard to diagnose bipolar disorder in minors, but finally, at 17, I got the diagnosis. After finding the right combo of meds, I became stable again.

I finished school, enrolled in college, and also found a job.

I’m not cured, I still have episodes, but due to using Lamictal, they are way less severe, and finally, I’m a functional human!

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

No one really noticed I was struggling. At 16, I myself reached out for help to my school counselor. She then helped me get into treatment. My parents didn’t notice before I told them, as they were occupied with my younger siblings.

My friends didn’t really notice either, everything I did was considered cool and not something to be concerned about. The self-harm was not evident because I tried to hide it very well.

After everything, I still feel guilty. Some of the feelings cannot be shaken off. For some reason, I still hate myself without an actual reason. I guess this is a journey.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I don’t remember when it started to get better. There wasn’t anything I did. I think that as time went on, I just got tired of hate, guilt, and sadness. I don’t know how I stopped self-harm. I just remember my mindset changing and thinking that even if I hate myself, I shouldn’t harm my body.

It took years to stop and practice. I didn’t just drop it. I stopped doing it every day, then every week. It was a struggle, and I still get the urge to do it on a bad day. It became like an impulse, but I managed to control it after a few years.

I have been clean for 3 years now. I “relapsed” 3 years ago, but I got back on track quickly. I know meds helped, but it just took time, talk, therapy, a change of mindset, and everything else that you can think of. I had to change everything I knew so I could get better.

I still don’t know how I did it.

Loving the man I love also helped me. I felt worthy for the first time. Getting into college made me feel worthy. Getting my first job and moving out made me feel worthy.

Not happy 100%, because with all this comes the worry, but it did make me happy enough to start appreciating myself from time to time.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Therapy, therapy, therapy. That’s the best thing I can recommend. But before therapy, you must get the right diagnosis, which is hard. Finding the right doctor might also be a challenge, but I think there is no right answer to getting better.

Therapy helped me feel acknowledged and not crazy. It helped me understand my condition, how to manage it, and how to try to control it.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I have shared everything only after it happened, after hospitalization. During that time, I wasn’t even able to explain what was going on, so I was afraid to open up to anyone, fearing they wouldn’t understand. Not everyone reacted positively to my story, a lot of judgment occurred but that was to be expected.

I live in a small country in Europe, and mental health is still stigmatized here. I found it way easier to use the sentence “I’m working on some stuff” than to actually explain your problems.

Even now, I hide my scars from my co-workers because it’s easier to explain. I have worked for the same company for almost 3 years, and no one knows about my illness, so I plan for it to stay that way.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I knew that I was worthy of the treatment and that everything I felt was valid. Because it is, no one is the same. Even with the same condition, we are all different.

I was scared of what was happening to me. I was full of hatred, sadness, guilt, disappointment in the world, etc., but sometimes I still am! And that’s valid.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Nothing in particular.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Not comfortable sharing.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Bipolar Disorder Journey and How Therapy and Medication Help Me Navigate appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources

Hello! Who are you?

Hello! My name is Natalia Nieves. I live in my hometown Palm Bay, FL, I grew up in Cocoa, FL. I graduated from high school in May 2023. Graduating from high school was my greatest achievement.

Right now I am doing a gap year, taking a break from education until I know exactly where I want to be. I am single, I wanna work on myself before I get into a relationship. My passions are writing, marine life, mental health, and self-care. 

Throughout the years, I have been discovering new things about myself through my mental health journey. I have always been the kind of child with a good heart. I grew up with my mom, who is my number one role model, and two younger siblings.

My childhood without my father was a struggle for me, I was four years old when I left my father. I didn’t understand the horrible things that he did and how he was emotionally and medically neglectful and what he did wasn’t okay. 

I have never been this happy in a long time. 2023 has shown me how “time heals everything”- Luke Combs. Every day I learn more about myself, my past experiences made me who I am today. 

This is something that took me a long time to realize that I am worthy. I am proud to see how things that we go through are lessons and guidance. Seeing how they are tests that challenge us to decide whether or not we choose to take the path towards something good.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I experienced childhood sexual abuse in March 2019 (which was a one-time occurrence) when I was still in middle school and then in May 2021, I developed PTSD from that experience.

In May 2019, I started to suffer from depression that had nothing to do with the abuse. I remember the day when my depression was developing, I was sitting in my classroom and just didn’t care what was happening around me.

As my Sophomore year was coming to an end, I started to develop constant flashbacks, nightmares about the event, and severe anxiety causing shortness of breath, uncontrolled tremors, hypervigilance, and anxiety attacks from the traumatic event.

What was scary was my pulse would race and chest tightened when anxiety attacks would constantly come from post-traumatic stress. Along with PTSD, I suffered with trauma bond for two years.

In 2020, I started to suffer with social anxiety disorder after returning to school from the pandemic. Feeling isolated and losing confidence in myself made it really difficult for me to make new friends.

I was all alone wanting to hide by the wall. My closest friends didn’t return to school after covid-19, I was lonely and so anxious that I would cover my face with my hair. I was bullied in middle school which went on for a few years. 

In 2021, I also developed generalized anxiety disorder when my PTSD was beginning to show symptoms, and weeks later I decided to tell my story to a high school counselor, which felt like one of the most terrifying moments of my life

I then got help recently after speaking out about the sexual abuse from seeing a counselor on a weekly basis. I was vulnerable as I opened up about my experiences, being educated on why I was feeling ashamed, guilty, and betrayed by my perpetrator and learning how to not let it control me.

I found out from my most recent counselor that I have an anxious preoccupied attachment that I feel like I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember.

I get attached to others easily and fear rejection and abandonment, I am afraid of being hurt and betrayed by anyone new that comes into my life. I still struggle with trust issues from my past experiences, I fear that whoever I let in will let me down.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

After the abuse happened, I didn’t realize or understand it was abuse. So instead, I felt like I bonded with my perpetrator and decided to get in contact.

We would text each other through Facebook Messenger and I craved the attention that my abuser gave me, there were highs and lows at times as most messages involved emotional abuse, but there were also conversations that were comforting. 

When we lost touch, I showed signs of depression. When I developed depression, it was like my heart was shattered into pieces. I lost the kind of relationship that I thought I had and felt like I did something wrong. 

When I realized that I experienced sexual abuse as a teenager, I didn’t know what to do. I started having vivid flashbacks from the event that made me feel afraid to tell anyone.

I feared telling the truth to someone, but I had to get it out when I didn’t know what else to do. I craved the cycle of abuse from the trauma bond I was psychologically trapped in and feared what would happen to my abuser if I told the whole story to someone.

When I shared my trauma from the beginning to the end of everything I remember, the school counselor I trusted believed me and got me the help I needed to heal. 

It felt like my blood ran cold when the truth came out and then my mom found out about it from someone else and I confessed the truth to her.

This experience caused me to feel guilty, ashamed, hypervigilant, and blame myself. I thought to myself, “I have feelings for this person.” “Why would this person do this?” “What did I do to deserve it?” 

These thoughts stuck with me for two years until I now realize that my experience can’t define me and I deserve better.

In 2020, when quarantine began, I felt so isolated and disconnected from the world. Months later, when the school opened again, I developed social anxiety disorder (SAD). 

I started to feel a lack of confidence in my appearance and I couldn’t look people in the eyes or have a conversation without anxiety creeping in. It was my sophomore year, and my mental state impacted my education. I was afraid and embarrassed to ask for extra help with my school work, work in small class groups, communicate, and connect with others in class.

When my post-traumatic stress (PTS) started to develop, I felt something that I’d never felt before in my life. I started having vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks that were constantly bringing back the trauma.

I wanted to say something to someone, but I was afraid of what would happen to my abuser. I decided that I would try to receive closure from my abuser before I took a big step toward healing. 

Then on the week of my abuser’s birthday in August 2021, it got to the point where I had to get the truth out to someone. During the summer of 2021, I started to talk about my experience with a good friend and still didn’t want anyone to know who abused me.

When my mom first suspected something and asked me if someone had touched me, I denied it. She could tell that I lied and tried to cover up the story.

My trauma bond made me feel like I had no control over my feelings towards my perpetrator and I did anything to not cause trouble and do anything for that person. 

My mom would do anything to protect me and my siblings and that was the part that terrified me. The addiction I had to post-traumatic stress was like there was no escape, I was emotionally trapped with my heart constantly being punched.

Then, my mom found out the truth from someone else by receiving a phone call and I had a feeling in my gut that she received horrific news. This was on the same day when I told my entire trauma experience to my high school counselor, which was a frightening occurrence that I carried.

My mom was on the phone being secretive of who was on the phone and I knew who it was. I was just as terrified as opening up to the officer who got involved. She talked to me in my room alone with furious behavior.

I was then getting help to work towards my healing journey. I was vulnerable and open to work on recovering from my mental illnesses, I wanted to not feel what I was feeling anymore.

I learned trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy to guide me by learning about the experience. I learned to let go and move forward with time. It was a lot of hell that I kept pushing through and I am proud to be where I am today.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

In June 2022, I decided to get on medication for my anxiety and social anxiety disorder. I have always been big on self-care when my mental health hits rock bottom. 

Being on medication after a few weeks showed a difference in my thinking with social situations. I started to see that I shouldn’t care what people think, I am a loyal and caring person, and I can find people who accept me after two years of insecurity.

This doesn’t mean that I am considering that others should get on medication to overcome a mental disorder, I never depended on it for my PTSD. We all have our own ways of healing.

As my post-traumatic stress showed unexpectedly, I never turned to substances as a coping mechanism. Instead, I needed to get it out by writing about the experience or telling someone about it. 

In October 2021, I remember myself thinking how I didn’t wanna keep living in pain and fear, I then was in counseling for the first time after I opened up about my sexual abuse.

I received a great education and healthy coping mechanisms to help me get through the dark times.

As months and then two years have gone, I kept educating myself to find answers. Today, I have healed from this tragedy by giving it my best to prioritize my healing journey with time.

With the support I got and educating myself, I feel relief that I am seeing change in my personal journey. 

When I was depressed for a year, I didn’t think I would realize that I needed to let go and realize that it was an experience that was temporary. 

This was something I never felt. I then learned that change is what challenges us. I know that I wouldn’t change my experiences that have led me to a positive change.

I am still learning how to live a better life by rebuilding relationships and learning to make new ones. I want to improve my self-awareness and rebuild my self-confidence.

With me knowing that I struggle with anxious attachment, I can dig deep into navigating how to heal and become a better version of myself.

I feel so proud of who I’ve become, I’m so grateful for my support system, even my mom. She has always been by my side and did whatever she could to support me.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started researching my symptoms of depression, wondering why I was filled with emptiness inside, and why I had dreams about someone that I thought cared for me.

I would listen to YouTube videos and go into therapy to help me understand why I was taken advantage of and how I can overcome this battle.

Journaling has been my best friend, I get my thoughts out by writing what I’m feeling. 

I found that digging into my trauma by writing down questions to ask myself about the experience. This helped me get a better understanding of my emotions.

What really helped me with my anxiety and depression was talking to my school counselors and my amazing friend who supported me. 

I talked to people I trust to get my thoughts out when they hit rock bottom. I learned to make myself a priority by doing simple tasks at home like chores to not dwell on my depression.

I can’t recall a lot of when I was depressed, I just remember the time it started and when there were darker times.

If I would go back to talk to my younger self, I would tell her not to blame herself. These feelings are temporary and you are growing every day.

For my severe generalized anxiety, I would make myself a priority. I stick to self-care routines that have helped me. 

For my routine, journal when thoughts get to me, I have an exercise routine, and I eat healthy. I feel like this routine has made a positive impact on my well-being along with counseling.

My social anxiety was improved by medication for the most part. I used to feel so insecure I couldn’t talk to people without choking.

It also started to make me feel in a low mood, almost like I was depressed but without wanting to cry.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I was back in school in 2020, I was at home sitting in the living room, and one of my best friends, who is like a big brother to me, had me open up to him about my depression I remember him saying how he can relate to what I was feeling.

I was relieved to express what I was holding in for a while. We were in high school together for a few years and our friendship is still a close bond.

I trust him when I need support in any situation. He is empathetic and compassionate.

For my post-traumatic stress, I decided to talk about my symptoms with the same friend.

I was afraid of mentioning my abuser because if my mom found out, she would go into full protective mode. During this time, I had feelings towards my perpetrator like I cared deeply for the abuser, feeling stuck in a trauma bond.

My friend has been supportive and trustworthy to me. I told him that two years ago, I started to realize that I was touched inappropriately by someone and I get vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks.

I also talked to my uncle about the situation in the same way as I talked to my friend by not giving too much detail. I then told my junior history teacher that I was abused and that year was very emotionally hard for me. 

My history teacher supported me when I needed to vent. It was so terrifying to talk about the fact that I was molested. I went for weeks without telling my friend or uncle who my perpetrator was. I just wanted the nightmares and flashbacks to end.

I was not comfortable talking to my mom about my mental health journey when it took a toll, she would come at me with tough love, like I’m not supposed to feel this way.

She once said that I can’t keep thinking this way with a hard tone because she doesn’t want to see me hurting inside. I would talk to my aunt, who is like my second mom. 

She listens and knows what advice to give when I am struggling. I am overall grateful that I got the support and help I deserved to help me grow. I am vulnerable and I have been since I was a kid.

I was raised to be open and honest about my health and emotional state. My mom would always be asking how I was feeling due to my medical history.

I was angry and would lash out when I had to leave my father so young. I was at the age where I didn’t understand the reasons. My mom would always be by my side trying to be strong for me when my medical complications were bad.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I want others to know that this won’t last forever. You have to fight and give it your all, don’t give up. Time is everything.

Today, I can look back on my journey and that it was worth it. It made me who I am today. I am stronger and aware that the world isn’t perfect. 

What we go through is a challenge for us to decide whether to give it all or nothing. If I were to talk to my younger self, I would say “You are not to blame and I am so proud of how far you’ve come. You can’t be so hard on yourself.” 

This mental health journey has made me discover good outcomes in my life. I can see 14-year-old Natalia wasn’t aware of her surroundings because she never should have faced tragedies that no kid deserves. 

She never saw this kind of behavior before and liked the attention that was given. I wish I could have realized I am not less than I am enough. Go easy on yourself and take it one day at a time.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Ted Talks became inspiring to me. This was helpful to me because people came to talk about their own experiences and share advice for those who could relate

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Overcoming Trauma and Depression With Therapy, Journaling and Self-Care appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi there! My name is Kage Burton. I am a welder in Utah and I build conveyor systems for companies around the world. I have been welding for 7 years now and I’d like to say I am getting pretty good at it!

I am also a ski instructor during the winters. There is nothing I love more than watching people when they finally start to understand skiing. It’s like watching someone discover what fun is. It’s really a neat experience.

While I do live in Utah now, Wyoming will always be home as that is where I spent the first 20 years of my life. I have a lot of fond memories growing up in Wyoming.

Wyoming has the smallest population out of any state in the United States, so when you’re a kid growing up in Wyoming, you kinda have to make the fun.

This took many shapes whether it be building four-wheelers with my K’nex, planning your next fort to build with your friends, or even sweeping all of the hay up in the top of the barn so you can open up a restaurant. (Yes me and my cousins did this and no we never opened the restaurant, we were like 8.) 

I am very fortunate to have a loving family that I grew up around. My family is very religious yet, I am not. I realized this when I graduated high school and quit going to church.

Being very worried about how this would affect my relationship with my father and the rest of my family, I can now say that I am extremely grateful for them. They have all accepted my life choices and let me be who I want to be, judgment-free. I will forever love them.

I moved to Utah in 2019 at the end of the year to pursue my career in welding. As you all know, 2020 is when COVID-19 hit and many people’s lives were affected. I was extremely lucky in the way things played out.

When I showed up to Utah I had 6 grand in savings and I managed to blow that in 2 months! But, in March, the school I was going to was forced to move all their classes online.

The story is actually pretty funny. I remember my late 70’s welding instructor telling the class, “All these colleges are going to online classes and they expect us to, but you can’t teach welding online!”

And then about a week later we were told that our course had been moved online. But, this was fortunate for me. I ended up taking a leave of absence in order to find a job and rebuild my savings.

Up to this point, I had never been out on my own so going out and living on my own was a very daunting task and I was quite frankly frightened. My town didn’t even have stoplights. The closest one to where I lived was half an hour north so I never went through that thing.

I don’t even think I had driven through a stoplight at this point. So moving to a town with stoplights at every intersection, that was a city to me, and I was terrified.

But now I’ve been living in Utah for three years. I have had so many wonderful and terrible experiences that have happened since. I’ve made friends and lost friends. Some of which have been with me from the start. I’ve learned to accept it though.

I live with my aunt and uncle right now where rent is so high. It’s a good place for me. It’s helped me to get out of my cocoon of sadness, cheered me up, and gave me the space to find the help that I need. So yeah, I am at one of the happiest points in my life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Well, I only really started taking my mental health seriously back in March. However, now looking back I can see that I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression my whole life.

As of one week ago, I can now add ADHD to the list of things I have always struggled with. Getting this ADHD diagnosis really adds depth to it all that I never could have seen. The lonely nights, the terrible performance, and the general lack of motivation.

As I said, I have been experiencing these things for as long as I can remember. When it comes to depression, I got very depressed when my first best friend replaced me with other more popular kids. This tore my poor little soul apart.

I remember crying many times, missing my dear friend and all the wonderful memories we had. Wanting so badly to be like the other kids so he would take me back. But he never did and I honestly can’t stand him anymore for what he did to me.

When I got into 5th grade, my teacher was not very nice to me due to me struggling with ADHD. This was extremely depressing and anxiety-inducing. I still don’t know how to longhand double digit divide because of this teacher. I genuinely did not understand the way she was teaching the concept.

But, after two or three attempts to ask for help, my teacher would yell at me and then send me into the hall crying. This destroyed my social reputation and self-esteem.

So the next year, in sixth grade, I was bullied relentlessly fueling the depression and anxiety I had already been experiencing. I wouldn’t participate with the class in games preferring to sit to the side and avoid all social interactions. Because I knew if I participated, I would just be subjecting myself to the put-downs of the popular girls.

Going into middle school, we see sadness arise from almost losing yet another best friend to the popular kids. This led me down the same road as before. Crying, fearing that my friend may move on and forget me and the relationship I had. So once again I tried to shift crowds with him.

This was almost my downfall. I started hanging out with a kid that happened to be a VERY BAD influence. Luckily this kid moved away after middle school and no longer played a part in my life after that. To give you an idea, this kid tried to rob a gun store after he moved. So yeah, glad I dodged that bullet.

Now I feel at this point, I should address ADHD and the effect it had upon me up to this point. In elementary school, my mother was always confused because I would read a book and then never test it. My reading grade was terrible because of this. She would take me in to take the test after school and I would score 100%. 

This eventually led to me losing my beloved dog in fifth grade. My dad says he told me if I didn’t get my reading grade up, he would get rid of Gage. I didn’t remember this probably due to ADHD and one day I came home after a long, depressing, anxiety-ridden day expecting to see my dog.

He was nowhere to be found. I asked my dad where he was and he just told me,” A snowmobiler from Montana came and picked him up.” I never got to say goodbye. Over the years we have had many dogs but Gage was my dog and I loved him.

I spent the rest of the night crying in my room missing my best friend. This wasn’t the only night that this had happened. In fact, I’ve been crying writing this because I still miss my friend.

ADHD continued to rule my life well into middle school and onwards. While teachers could keep my attention in class, the homework was about as boring as can be and it never got done. Thus, grades tanked and led to much disappointment.

A lot of teachers would see how smart I was when they were teaching something that I liked but they couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t do the work. This is about the time when every teacher began feeding me the depressing mantra,” You would do so much better if you would just apply yourself.”

I heard this from almost every teacher from this point till the end of my schooling career. I didn’t even know what that meant and it hurt. Because when you don’t know you have ADHD, this becomes an attack on one’s personal character.

So this became me. Someone who didn’t apply themselves. Someone who was lazy. And not someone who couldn’t do the hard work but someone who just wouldn’t. As if I had a choice in all the procrastinating and forgetting. When you have ADHD you don’t choose these things. They just happen.

I didn’t want to be 32 assignments behind in math. I didn’t want to barely graduate with a 2.1 GPA. I didn’t want to be a disappointment to my parents and teachers. It all just happened and there was no way for me to control any of it. But after so long you believe it all was your fault.

Eventually, I did graduate, launching me into the many struggles of holding a steady job. My first job I actually thrived at. This was working at a little retail store in town. Every day presented something new to deal with. The ADHD mind loves this.

Always something new to keep the mind entertained. From making shopping cart trains with the electric cart, to watching people get arrested for shoplifting. Every day was an adventure and I loved it.

A year later that place closed down and I found a job at the local Radioshack. Yes, you read that right. 2019, in a small town, run by a nearly 80-year-old man, Radioshack. It was as boring as it sounds and the only entertainment I got at that job was the 70-year-old man who worked there with me.

Other than that, there was no motivation to get anything done. My boss was always disappointed with me whenever he came around. And I almost made the store close down because it was losing so much money. But now I realize, that’s not entirely my fault. It’s a Radioshack in Wyoming. It was destined to fail.

After that wonderful experience I started my welding career by heading off to school. This required a lot out of me and it promptly started off with a panic attack in my mother’s shower at 8 in the morning when I should’ve been packing my car. My grandparents were eventually able to help me calm down and I did get moved.

I started school and this is when I met my first real girlfriend. If you don’t think that ADHD affects relationships, well, it does. I was completely infatuated with this girl for the first little while. I loved her and everything about her.

However as time went on, we grew distant as I wouldn’t be as excited by her or her interests anymore, and from her perspective, it looked as though the relationship had become about me.

She’s not wrong in looking at it this way. I wanted to do what I wanted to do because what she wanted to do didn’t interest me. I wanted to play my video games and she wanted to ride her horses. And after living together for a year and a half, she ripped my heart to pieces and moved 13 hours away to New Mexico.

I only had a week with her after finding out that she was doing this and it hit me like a truck. The day she told me, I had to leave and process what she’d said.

So, I went out to a field, laid in some dirt, stared at the sky, and cried for the next hour. She broke up with me about a month later and you could see in her text message that I had made the relationship about me. And now I know why.

Since then I’ve had two more relationships that never went anywhere because I lost interest in them. I still miss my ex and I don’t know when I’ll have another relationship like I had with her. This is single-handedly the most depressing thing I deal with. It’s about once a month I go into a depressive episode missing her.

And here we are now! Working my welding job and loving life! ADHD is always at work forgetting where my tape measure is or where I set my gloves. I make silly mistakes sometimes because I’m not paying attention and so I measure the wrong length or forget to change settings on machines.

The other day I had to grab some wrenches about 10ft away and within that distance, I forgot what I was doing and began eating Cheese-Its. I’ll pull out my phone to check the time and forget to check the time, opting to check my notifications instead. Every day is a struggle but, at least I can now see it for what it is!

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Having ADHD, depression, and anxiety is like having the dream team of “you’re gonna have a crappy day!” ADHD just makes the highs really high and the lows really low and the lows are just compounded by anxiety and depression.

When you’re in the highs it’s like hitting New Year’s all over again. You make all these wonderful resolutions/goals that you swear you are gonna follow through with.

Then a week to two weeks later, all that has gone to the wayside and you are right back to the habits you were so sure that you were going to conquer a few weeks before.

Once you slip back into those habits, the anxiety and depression hit like a truck. You’re anxious because you feel the need to stick to your goals but you can’t because your ADHD won’t let you. Then you get depressed because you feel like you will never be able to reach your goals.

The goals extend far and wide as well. It’s not as simple as I wanna lose 10 pounds. No, it’s more along the lines of I want to become a world-class bodybuilder.

As Peter Shankman says in his book Faster than Normal “When you have ADHD, there is no such thing as moderation.” So all the many hobbies that I have tried to start or thought would be fun. You find me thinking about what it would be like to be the best in the world.

Lately, my obsession has been singing. If you could look into my brain, you would not see someone starting a small YouTube channel to showcase new songs. Instead, I am thinking about who could be in my band and envision myself on big stages playing top songs.

A while back I really wanted to get into gem faceting (cutting gemstones). I have always had a fascination with rocks, so I thought it was right up my alley. Instantly I am thinking about cutting hundreds of thousand dollar stones and making beautiful works of art. However, this is an expensive hobby and the lack of funds eventually led to loss of interest.

Other hobbies I have dreamed about include Geology, Space Photography, Astrophysics, 3D Modeling, Mountain Biking, Freestyle Skiing, Park Skiing, War History, YouTube, Twitch, Video Game Development, Car Design, Vehicle Modding, Drawing, Music Production, Writing, Piano, Competitive Gaming, Videography, Social Media Marketing, Weight Lifting, Traveling, Self Help, Stoicism, Podcasting. I could list off so many more but I think you get the idea.

Eventually, you will try your hardest to stick to your newfound obsession but all the drive will be gone and it will actually feel sickening and depressing to even touch the hobby.

Then you start wondering, what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you follow through with anything? Can I even achieve my goals? And it all gets so very depressing.

You literally go from mentally planning your whole future out in your head to hating the very thing you were so excited about in a matter of two weeks.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Anxiety and depression have both gone down drastically since I moved and switched jobs. From the people that I know who have experienced depression or anxiety, there is often something in one’s environment that is causing the problem.

In my case, it was the job I was at where my boss expected way too much out of me for way too little. I soon realized this when it became obvious that he was lying about how we were performing in hopes of making us work harder. Spoiler, it had the opposite effect.

The anxiety had actually gotten so bad that back in March I had the worst panic attack of my life. It was work-induced and I was scared because my body legitimately locked up and I couldn’t move. Spooky!

However, when I went to the ER they prescribed me medication. As crazy as this may sound, I had no idea that they had medication for that! This was an eye-opening realization to me that this thing that you have had your whole life… Yeah that’s not normal.

So after having this major panic attack, I decided something needed to change. I was super depressed and I had started taking anxiety meds almost every day at work to keep the panic attacks at bay. So I started therapy!

Oftentimes males are super hesitant to open up to strangers about their feelings and what they’ve got going on in their life. Yet, I took the approach of I need the help and this person is here to help me and this was one of the best things I could’ve done. It took me only about a month with my therapist’s help to connect the dots to my terrible job.

This got me daydreaming at work about quitting and moving closer to my friends and boy did that excite me. Eventually, my boss pushed me over the edge and I pulled the trigger. I wrote my boss a letter telling him I was going to search for a new job. Instantly I felt better.

No longer did I have the ever-present pressure to give another 100% after giving 110% I ended up finding a job and moving and WOW my life is so much better. I haven’t taken anxiety meds since I left and I honestly don’t even think about them anymore.

Now, throughout therapy, there were some other things, aside from work, that came up in our discussions that were depressing me. Lack of motivation, inability to complete tasks, lack of goals, jumping from hobby to hobby. And every time I brought one up, my therapist would say, “That could be a symptom of ADHD.”

Up to this point, ADHD wasn’t something that I thought about. No, ADHD up to this point had just been something that my mother mentioned getting me tested for when I was a kid. After which I proceeded to start crying.

After all, I thought that if I got diagnosed with ADHD that meant I was stupid and disabled (I do not think this anymore). Why wouldn’t a kid start crying if that’s what they thought their mother said. So she never got me tested.

So, when I finally quit my job and moved south I made it my goal to get tested for ADHD and finally get an answer to some of my life’s most pressing questions.

I moved in April and it took me some time to finally get around to it. The thing that finally pushed me over the edge was the weekend of September 30th of this year. That weekend I was going to my first ever concert!

‘Falling in Reverse’ was opening for Avenged Sevenfold and I couldn’t be more excited. Falling in Reverse is one of my FAVORITE bands. I worked that Friday and as it is coming home from work on a Friday, I was exhausted.

I came home and took a nap, no big deal. Well after I had my nap, my girlfriend was gonna come over and my room was trashed. Gotta clean!

The very first thing I did was some laundry. I had gotten into the habit of leaving my wallet and keys in my pants so I wouldn’t lose them. Well, I cleared out my pockets. BIG MISTAKE!

I took my wallet along with a stack of papers and I put it all in my dresser drawer. My girlfriend comes over, we go to get snacks. No wallet. I begin ripping my bedroom apart! All that work I had done making my bedroom look nice, doesn’t even matter anymore.

Eventually, my girlfriend just said she’d buy the snacks and I calmed down. Besides, I’ll find it when I get back right? Wrong. Honestly, I forgot to look until about an hour before I was supposed to leave for the concert. I didn’t find it.

At this point, the anxious side of me is going nuts. Not only am I going to have to ask my friend to buy everything for me at the concert tonight, but I’m also going to have to cancel all my cards, get new ones, get a new driver’s license, get a new insurance card, and a whole host of other things. It’s worse when you have ADHD too because you never really know when you’ll get any of this done.

So Monday rolls around, but still no wallet. At this point, I am going through my head mentally drawing up everything that needs to be done to fix this. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I knew my wallet couldn’t be lost unless it was stolen or I dropped it somewhere. I finally called a mental health clinic and scheduled a test. Between the excessive fidgeting and the excessive loss of items at work, I was fed up and ready to find help. And me losing my wallet finally did it in.

Mind you, at this point, I had not found my wallet which means no insurance card. No insurance card means no coverage and thus yet another thing for me to worry about. I couldn’t care less at this point.

So after I had gotten home from work, my anxiety was running strong. Just that constant feeling that you are on edge and something bad’s coming your way. So later in the evening, I turned to my release, journaling.

But I haven’t been able to find my journal since well, Friday. Hmmm, maybe if I find my journal I’ll find my wallet. At that point, I remembered the stack of papers that I had and I thought maybe I had stuffed them into a drawer. I opened the drawer and sure enough, there’s my journal, and under my journal, THE EVASIVE WALLET!

Since then, I have been tested. I do have ADHD. I actually learned that just a few days ago and I couldn’t be happier. When you go 23 years with ADHD not knowing, the moment you start researching ADHD and the effects it has on people, your life changes. It really does!

I have always thought that I was normal. No different than everyone else. But I never questioned why I struggled so much more on the easy tasks than everyone else.

Through Middle School my grades were awful. Got called to the principal’s office so many times because of this. I was kicked off the middle school football team for poor grades. Never got to go on school ski trips which was really sad to me because my parents never took me skiing.

Going into High School. I was signed up for a jump start. I did fine in jump start. I actually quite enjoyed it but this was then followed by 4 years of disappointing my parents and teachers.

Failing in even the classes that I enjoyed, such as welding, robotics, engineering, and foods. I finished High School with a 2.1 GPA barely graduating.

My joke has always been,” I needed a D on that test in chemistry to graduate, and boy did I get that D!” But, now, I look back with sadness because, unlike most people who hated high school, I loved it!

Hanging out with friends all day, learning cool things about science, history, English, and participating in extracurricular activities. Why would I ever say I hated it or didn’t care? Because that’s just what I was told.

With ADHD there are always moments where it turns around for a while. My room was clean about a week ago. Now there is trash and clothes everywhere and it’s kinda just the way I am existing right now.

You’ll get these magical bursts of motivation that push you in the right direction but motivation is fleeting with ADHD and about a week or two later, it won’t matter how easy you’ve made it, you’ll stop doing whatever it was. This feeds into the depression.

However, I do feel like I am making progress as a diagnosis is a great step in the right direction. I am gathering the resources I need to help myself be more successful and it does feel good.

The diagnosis has most importantly helped me to realize what I am and what I am not. Because of this, the extreme self-degradation has gone down and I feel so much more free to embrace the silliness of it all.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

ASK FOR HELP! I cannot stress this enough. I would not be where I am now if it weren’t for the support group I have around me. I used to be so scared of asking for help, especially because of ADHD.

This is because when I was a kid, asking for help or asking questions was often met with degrading or hurtful comments. Couldn’t find something, Mother comes in finds it, and says “It would help if you open your eyes!”.

Didn’t understand what the teacher was teaching, “It’s super simple and you are just not paying attention!” Brain didn’t react to Dad’s question so I responded with,” What?” Dad responds,” Did I st st stutter?!”

All these things really add up and so you start to build a shell around you and think no one wants to help you. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized there are a lot of people out there whose only job is TO HELP YOU! 

I cannot tell you how excited I am that I can unabashedly ask for help. I am just plotting out all the help I can get all the time and it feels so awesome.

I’ve already got my therapist and I just recently added a psychiatrist to the roster. Imagine all the others I’ll add. ADHD Coaches… Career Consultants… All these wonderful people who are there to make my life more enjoyable are no longer behind this wall that I had put up.

I would also say, anyone who thinks they could be struggling with a mental illness, do some research. ADHD up until about a month ago was only a possibility in my head and I thought if I had it, it was probably only affecting me a little bit.

But as I listened to podcasts and browsed the ADHD subreddit, I slowly began to learn what it means to actually have ADHD. Eventually, I had the experience that most people with undiagnosed ADHD go through. The experience of understanding your whole life.

Mind you, this happened within a matter of two days, and from these two days, I actually came out scared that I wouldn’t get the diagnosis. So as you can see this shifted my entire worldview. I honestly think everyone should at least research mental disorders a little bit to at least understand what neurodivergent people go through.

Medication is also a big thing for me as well. By no means am I a professional but, data does suggest that medication is really beneficial to those with mental health disorders. The negative stipulation is something that has personally affected my family.

My sister actually has ADHD as well and we’ve known this from an early age. When she was diagnosed, she was put on Ritalin. This was around the time of the Columbine School Shooting where the assailant had been using a psychotropic drug leading up to the shooting.

Because of this, my mother had to listen to everyone questioning her for putting my sister on drugs. My mother had been trying to find the help she needed with my sister and up to this point doctors had told her that it was her just being a bad parent. Even going as far as to give her books on parenting.

She was eventually able to find a doctor who told her she wasn’t a bad parent and that her daughter had a 7-second attention span. After that, she was put on Ritalin and the doctor didn’t even believe it was the same child when she brought my sister back for a follow-up.

The medication was life-changing for my mother and from what I understand it’s the same with most people that struggle with ADHD.

Even when I got my anxiety medication I noticed a difference. Every time I knew it was going to be a rough day, I would take a pill, and everything would be ok.

Up to that point, my boss had to do any small thing to ruin my day and leave me anxious for the rest of the day. So the medication was a godsend.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Yes I have actually! I haven’t quite decided if this is a good thing yet. My reasoning for sharing this information is that it takes a lot of the mistakes I make off of my character. These people can then understand why I do the things I do and they can either accept it or deny it.

It no longer becomes my problem and I can continue to try to implement the systems that will help with a sort of shield from all the scrutiny. If they question me for asking for help or doing things a different way then I can simply turn to them and say,” I am asking for help/doing it this way because it is easier for me.

If you’d prefer I do things your way then just understand it will take longer or may never get done. Are you ok with that?” At that point, I have laid it out for them and they choose where it goes from there.

However, this has proven tough in certain aspects because, as mentioned in previous sections, no one knows what ADHD actually is and what we actually struggle with.

So when I tell my supervisor that due to my ADHD, I can’t do the inspection phase of a build, he just responds with,” Oh this doesn’t mean you can start using that as an excuse.”

Or when it comes to not cashing checks, my mom says,” Well this is your finances so this needs to take a bit more priority.” Little do they know, I have always struggled with the inspection phase and I can’t simply choose to prioritize one section of my life. I am simply trying to make the inspection phase easier and I will never do it if I spend too much time on one thing.

I think I’ll stick to telling people that I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression. The biggest thing is just making sure to educate them as to why I’m doing what I do and making sure they understand.

At the end of the day, I am the one who is part of the 5% so, I can’t expect anyone to understand what it’s like to be me and it’s my job to make sure they understand.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You are not alone. It is easy to get used to living with a disorder for so long and you think everything is ok and normal. But when you find out you are not normal by neurotypical means, it can be a depressing feeling like no one understands.

I am here to tell you that is not the case. There are millions of people struggling with the same things that you are. As dumb as it may sound I know a lot of us have sat at our computers in our underwear when we should be getting dressed for the day.

This isn’t just my experience, I heard it in the book Faster than Normal. I was at work when I heard it and remember just saying out loud, “THATS ME! Wait… that’s scarily super close to me.” Why is it so accurate? Because we are all sharing the same experience! Yeah, that’s how closely our experiences are connected.

So when you’re struggling and feel like no one understands, know that I understand. I lose my keys on the bed. I forget what I’m doing walking into another room. My room is trashed. I buy stuff I don’t need. We all do!

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Faster Than Normal: Turbocharge Your Focus, Productivity, and Success with the Secrets of the ADHD Brain: Peter Shankman has really figured his ADHD out and he offers a lot of good advice in this book.
• Hacking your ADHD: William Curb finds so many great guests who share their struggles with ADHD and how they’ve managed it and used it to their advantage.
• How to ADHD: – This channel has a lot of great advice when it comes to focusing on specific problems that come with ADHD.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

All I really have is YouTube and Twitch but heh, my ADHD makes it hard to stay regular. Check them out if you’d like. They are mostly just gaming content.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How an ADHD Diagnosis Helped Me Understand My Life and Turn It Around With Therapy appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, my name is Felicita Castillo Delcambre. It’s important that I include my “middle” name because it’s almost a funny story. My maiden name is Felicita Castillo Castillo. I know, it’s a little odd, but this is a constant reminder that I’m a one-of-a-kind type of person.

I’ve never met anyone in person with my name either, and I’m convinced I probably never will. My name is quite unique in my opinion. My parents named me after my great-grandmother, Felicita, and my first name actually means “happiness”.

Growing up, I despised my name. I go by Feli (rhymes with Kelly, belly, jelly. You get the idea when it comes to teasing kids.) for short, and I was teased a ton as a kid because of it. Christmas time was the worst when all my classmates would sing “Feliz Navidad” as “Felicita Navidad.” Not my happiest moment.

My entire life, I’ve always done my very best to live up to the meaning of my name, although naturally, some days are harder than others. Now that I’m older, I realize there’s so much to a name and I’m reminded to search for the small instances of happiness because I was chosen to be called this for a reason.

As for my double last name, it’s a longer story, but after I got married, it was very convenient that I could still keep my maiden name without extra hassle.

Currently, I live in Katy, Texas in the United States. This is a town that thrives on football and being the best in all sports and academics. They have upwards of eleven Katy alumni graduates who have made it to the NFL (National Football League) and the football team typically makes it to the playoffs every year.

They currently hold 9 State Championships, just at Katy High School alone, not including other Katy ISD high schools in the area. Katy Independent School District ranks number one among Public School Districts in the Houston Area, which is currently the fifth largest city in the USA and is currently ranked number twelve in the State.

I say all this because I currently have a freshman daughter in high school that I need to guide to live up to these high demanding standards as an athlete in their volleyball program and participate in all advanced core classes.

She is my world, and I always want the very best for her. I am also happily married, and we celebrated our 5th anniversary earlier this year. Although we’ve only been married for 5 years, we’ve been together for the last 10 years and I honestly couldn’t imagine life without him.

Both my husband and I work in the oil and gas industry. I work for a small engineering company in Katy, TX directly under the CEO. I wouldn’t say it’s a job I’m passionate about, but it is a job I do excel at.

My ultimate dream is to grow my two current businesses into full-time income so I can work full-time doing what I truly love and have a passion for.

I’ve always had an entrepreneurial mindset and passion for success. Even as a small child, you would catch me playing pretend “bank teller” instead of pretending to be “house mom” with my friends.

I wasn’t the type to play with baby dolls because I saw myself as a boss at a very young age. I believe I’m a natural-born leader. I’m currently a business owner of two businesses in the health and wellness industry.

It is my mission to empower determined women in their 30s and beyond to reclaim their energy through creating a sustainable approach to nutrition and macro counting.

I want women to build this strong belief in their best selves, both physically and mentally, because I know what it’s like to be torn down and not have help.

I want women to believe they can achieve their goals in their health and wellness, and realize the truth that they are more than just a mom, taxi driver, chef, housecleaner, and whatever other stereotypical womanly duties we are usually tasked with.

Overall, I am content with life, as there are those far worse, and I am grateful that myself and my loved ones are healthy, we have a home and are ultimately happy.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

Although it seems I’m living the American dream now, this wasn’t always the case. I come from a very small town in South Texas with a population of less than 4,000 people. It is drug-ridden and low-income, and many people unfortunately never leave there.

It’s a depression trap for some, a motivation to leave for others like myself. I blame where I come from to be the beginning of my struggle with the anger of having a self-sabotage mindset, and learning how to overcome negative self-talk.

Ever since I was a small child I’ve faced many challenges from my family and peers. We lived in low-income housing, with my parents never being married and my father not in the family picture.

I’m the youngest of four. My two oldest siblings weren’t always the best role models with each of them having babies at a young age. We had big age gaps, so by the time they graduated high school, my other sister and I were still in elementary school.

When I was 12 years old, and my third oldest sibling was just 14 years old, my mother left us behind to move around the country with her boyfriend at the time.

Since her first two children were grown with their own babies and lives, my adolescent thought process led me to believe that she quit on us because we weren’t going to be enough for her to change her ways.

My sister and I bounced around family homes for about two years. One week with my grandparents, the next with cousins, the next with friends, then aunts, then my oldest sister, then back to my grandparents.

We were mostly separated the entire time my mother was gone, but eventually, my mother ended up getting us our own apartment to live in so she could calm the nagging family taking care of her children.

At the young age of 14, the same age as my daughter now, my 16-year-old sister and I lived on our own and had to face adulthood extremely quickly.

We cooked, cleaned, washed our own clothes, worked, figured out schedules and rides, and performed all the parental duties ourselves, and for one another, growing up.

My mother would only send money for bills that weren’t covered by government assistance, and we faced eviction a time or two. This was the beginning of my struggle with anger and self-sabotage.

There were constant thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. If my own parents could leave me, and I wasn’t enough for them to stay and want to be part of my life, despite all my great accomplishments, anyone can and will.

I was angry because I worked so hard. I was always on the honor roll with amazing grades. I was captain of every sports team I played on. I made the varsity cheerleading squad and softball team as a freshman. I had figured if I worked extra hard to do the best and be the best, it would encourage my mother to come back to us.

I thought maybe she would recognize how amazing we are, and want to be part of that, but she didn’t. On the outside to my teachers and peers, I was this amazing student and friend, on the inside I was hollow bitterness living with the constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough no matter how hard I tried.

Over time I used my mother’s abandonment, for lack of a better word, as a motivator in life. Eventually, my sadness turned into anger, and this fire propelled me to achieve many goals I set for myself.

Once I graduated high school, I moved to San Antonio, Texas to carry out my dream of moving away from that place of sadness and building the home I never had.

Shortly after my move, I hit my first block of self-sabotage. I came out pregnant and found out a month before I was to go into the United States Air Force.

Looking back, I see this as God guiding my path, but at the time, I was devastated and disappointed in myself that I was so irresponsible in repeating the cycle I so desperately worked to escape.

I had worked so hard to finally leave a place of sadness, just to sabotage myself into now having another human depending on me. My daughter’s father wasn’t the best of people, and needless to say, we didn’t last. When my daughter turned a year old, I left him, and we were off and on until I met my now husband when she turned 4 years old.

I would say I still struggle with anger and self-sabotage to this day. There are times when I use my upbringing as a debilitating excuse in various aspects of my life. Sometimes it’s a hindrance, and sometimes it’s a motivator. There are times when I struggle in my marriage, as a mother, as a business owner.

On days when I’m dreaming up my future and how my businesses will one day be successful, and I’m putting in my notice to leave my job, there’s always this small voice I hear saying, “Look where you come from.

You don’t have a degree. You’re not good enough to be the leader of a successful business. You don’t belong in that crowd of success.” Then, I reflect on all the statistics I overcame at such a young age and remind myself that I already walked through hell and back, and if I can do that as a child, nothing can stop me now.

The passionate fire within me runs so deep in my soul that I truly believe I was made for great things. It’s the faith that my story thus far and the meaning of my name is meant for greatness and happiness, despite the sadness I endured. I wasn’t named “happiness” for no reason, and although I don’t know the reasons now, I’m content with never knowing.

The anger still lives in a small place inside me, and I still struggle with this daily. I’ve since forgiven both my parents and now understand many things and their reasoning that I didn’t understand as a child.

I realized that anger will only continue to self-sabotage my dreams, and having faith in my search for my happiness and success continues to be my new motivator.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my worst moments, I wanted to die. Even as an elementary school-aged child, these thoughts came to mind. I thought about dying and what people would say and think.

I prayed my peers would regret being so mean to me when I was gone. I prayed they would suffer the pain of the sadness they inflicted on me once I was gone. I prayed they would ask for my forgiveness.

But then I would think of those who did love and care about me, and I couldn’t bear imagining the pain they’d feel also. It was my imagination of their sadness that overpowered the pain of imaginary hatred that kept me alive and I’ll forever be thankful for their love.

It was never clear to many people that I was suffering in any way. As far as everyone knew, I was the best at everything. I was strong. I was independent. I was capable. I was very smart. I was happy.

No one knew I was struggling unless I told them I was. Teachers had no idea. Only some very close friends knew. I couldn’t bear the look of pity. I hated to tell people my mother left me because people would give me this disgusting look of empathy as if they could possibly imagine what I was going through and I couldn’t stand it.

It made me feel even smaller than I already felt. It made me feel incapable and weak, and I didn’t have time for those feelings. I didn’t have room in my heart for weakness because if I wasn’t strong, I would fail. If I wasn’t capable, there would be no one else to help me.

I was alone and I only had me and I preferred it that way. I needed to be independent. I wore this mask of strength for so long, that sometimes I feel like I still wear it. In fact, sometimes I know I do. This is how I know I still struggle.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

It wasn’t until I learned I was going to be a mother myself, that I realized I needed to change. I didn’t know what kind of mother I was going to be, but I knew one thing. I was going to do everything opposite of my mother.

I knew I had to end the cycle and it needed to be me to do it. My daughter truly saved me from myself. I often feel if she hadn’t come into my life when she did, I probably would’ve spiraled into this chaotic tornado.

God knew I needed her and although she came at the most unexpected, inopportune time, she was meant to be. I knew the first step to making a change would be forgiveness and I started to heal my relationship with my mother once I became pregnant.

By then, she had made her way back to my hometown after finally leaving her boyfriend whom she left us for. She came back my senior year of high school thinking we’d dance back into her loving arms. That didn’t happen with me, but my sister moved back with her, while I refused and eventually moved away after graduation.

A couple of years later, after her repeated attempts to mend our relationship, I gave her the chance to be there for me throughout my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter, and she was. She was there for me in the exact motherly way I needed her to be, and slowly my heart started to heal.

It was a couple of years after my daughter was born that I came across network marketing, and the company I was with was huge on personal development.

I read so many books on overcoming negative emotions, communication, and wealth management. I practiced what I learned, and transformations happened. I started to actually become the person I always wanted to be.

I overcame emotional obstacles more easily. I was more understanding of things within my control. My career in network marketing never flourished to the lengths they said were possible, due to paralysis of fear in my opinion, but I’m grateful for everything I learned when it came to all the personal development teachings I practiced in the 3-4 years I was with my team.

I took a break and have recently begun a new journey with an entirely different company now. I don’t see network marketing in the same way I used to, and I now know the limitations of its success, but I do see the benefits of it being an actual business and how the product is still very impactful in a good way. 

I remember before moving away from my hometown, I used to dream of leaving so that no one knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be and it would be true because they wouldn’t know me to cast judgment up front.

I could be anyone my heart desired. No one would know where I come from. No one would know anything about me and I could portray my best self. My true self and that would be who they knew. Then I would be the person I was made to be.

I would actually be the one who is the best at everything. I would be a strong, independent, capable woman and it would be true because I would no longer live in the shadows of despair in my hometown with the judgemental eyes and people waiting for me to fail. I would finally be happy.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I do see her. Deep down, I have forgiven my past and I know that my true self is the desires of my heart and future, which is why I can confidently be the person I am today and not feel like there’s a mask on.

Of course, I have my days of self-pity, and I make excuses, and the spurts of self-sabotage come out to be an unproductive day but ultimately in those instances, I give myself grace and remind myself that I’m human.

I’m not perfect and I never will be. I am capable but I deserve breaks. I am independent but I deserve a partner. I am strong, but people who love you help you carry the load.

Slowly, over time I’ve opened up and learned that it’s ok to let people in. Allowing people in your heart doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you’re loved.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started with forgiveness. I recognized that anger was my fuel and my trigger and it was very unhealthy in many ways. It was my anger that led to my self-sabotage and the excuses I made to not be my best.

I knowingly put a wall up and did not allow people in. Take the time and identify the emotions you know are hurting you. Ask yourself what’s making you mad, if it’s anger. If it’s sadness, what’s causing the pain of sadness? If it’s selfishness, what’s causing you to feel like you’re going to lose something that you have to grasp everything so tightly and selfishly?

What do you feel like you’re lacking, or going without that you feel the need to take so much? It is so important to identify the emotion that is causing you pain and understand what is in your power to overcome that emotion and channel it into something positive for yourself and those around you.

For example, I identified that I was angry at my parents and needed to figure out how to forgive them for leaving me. I needed to prove to myself that I was enough for love. So the first place I turned to was the Bible.

God’s word explicitly explained exactly what love is and how no matter what I am and always will be loved. No one on earth could love me more than God himself, and for me, that was enough.

I learned how Jesus forgave those who crucified him, and he was perfect. He did nothing to deserve his tortuous death. This showed me that if he could forgive them, I could also forgive my parents and anyone who hurt me.

I also actively participated in a small faith group where we’d meet once a month, pick a bible verse to discuss, and share the thoughts in our hearts. It was a safe space for me with people I knew I could trust, so I would recommend finding a community that you feel can be your safe space as well.

For those non-religious, I would still say to read, and reading books on personal development helped me tremendously. There are various books that explain how to identify different emotions and what you can do to overcome obstacles preventing you from being your best and true self.

Journaling is also a very beneficial method that helps to relieve emotions that are harming you internally. I have journals that date back to more than 20 years ago.

If you don’t feel like you’re ready to talk to a professional, journaling is a great way to speak your voice in an unconventional way, although I would also highly recommend speaking to a professional.

Depending on what you’re struggling with, getting professional help is one of the best ways to resolve some issues, if you feel like these are things you can’t quite handle on your own, or don’t know how to overcome. Trained professionals can help guide you to the healing you are seeking.

Reading was also another way I learned different techniques for identifying emotions. I read several books on personal development and learned different ways to channel my anger into something productive. I learned that I had control over my emotions, and could use this power over thoughts and actions to be a person I’m proud of.

I didn’t realize I was already doing this but in a negative, unhealthy way to a certain extent. Not letting people into my life did nothing but make me feel sad and lonely.

I learned that other’s actions didn’t dictate my feelings. It was my reactions to others that I needed to learn to control. Reading books that help you with things you can relate to helped me tremendously on my journey thus far. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As a child, I only shared bits and pieces of what I was going through with friends. Close friends knew my mom wasn’t there, but they didn’t know my mental health struggles.

I also didn’t share many of my emotions with family other than my sister who was experiencing the same emotions with me because she was left behind also.

I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it because I despised the feelings of pity, which was always the first reaction. I also knew that no one else could fully relate to what I was experiencing because they never went through anything like that.

It was difficult for me to speak to anyone I knew wouldn’t fully understand and I didn’t have time to waste trying to do so. It wasn’t until after I significantly started healing that I felt more comfortable sharing this struggle with others. 

I did share this experience with my husband, and he is one of the only people who truly knows everything. I also served on a church retreat team years ago, and shared my story of forgiveness with the retreatants, along with my small faith group members.

Otherwise, that time of my life has now come and gone and I don’t feel the need to share my journey as much anymore. After finding healing, I’ve come to be so much more at peace. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Time is the enemy and the gift. We don’t know when our time is up, and instead of wasting your energy on all the negative things in your life, use it wisely. Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person you’re angry at to die.

You’re only hurting yourself at the end of the day, and you’re losing precious time that you could use to be happy. There’s no good reason to suffer.

Don’t waste your time. Don’t waste your time on things that are hurting you and the people you love. Don’t focus your time and energy on things that aren’t helping you be a better person.

What you give to the universe you get back tenfold, so use your time to be your best self, and your best self will eventually appear. It’s a choice to live miserable, or happy. The choice is yours.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Secret by Rhonda Byren helped me understand that you attract what you put into the universe. You are in control of your desires. 
• The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson helped me identify obstacles in my path toward the dreams I had in my heart and how to overcome them using the power of the mind.
• The Shark and the Goldfish by Jon Gordon helped me by showing me different ways of seeing things in a positive way, instead of a negative way. Nothing is out of reach and perspective makes a huge difference in the outcomes you desire.
• Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki helped me understand the fundamentals of a successful business. Changing your mind around how you see money to make it work for you, rather than you working for it will help build financial wealth.
• Slay Girl Slay Podcast with Ashley Leggs has helped me on days that I struggle to believe I am worthy. Whenever I’m discouraged, I’ll put on her show and she is the ultimate hype woman. I highly recommend listening to her show.
• The Good News with Ashley Leggs is also another show I listen to when I’m discouraged and beginning to self-sabotage. This reminds me that I’m not alone. The show features so many people who went through a similar childhood as me, or worse, and overcame their obstacles too. It helps me remember that I’m not the only one who’s suffered and overcame trauma of some sort.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can sign up for my email newsletter where you’ll learn ways to live a healthier lifestyle without giving up things you love. You can sign up using this link.

You can connect with me more on my recent health journey on Instagram at @TheVindiJourney. My personal profile is also linked in the bio section to connect with me there as well.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Struggle With Abandonment And Anger Through Resilience and Forgiveness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Katy! While I currently reside on the island of Montreal, Canada, my roots trace back to a small town nestled along the majestic Temiscouata Lake. 

After having conquered the challenges of social anxiety, I discovered my life’s purpose. Today, I am a proud Social Anxiety Coach and Certified Hypnotherapist. 

Being able to guide others on their journey towards self-confidence is not just my profession but a genuine passion. It’s incredibly rewarding to witness the transformation and empowerment that my clients experience as they break free from the shackles of social anxiety. 

Through coaching and hypnotherapy, I empower individuals to rewrite their narratives, step into their true selves, and discover the strength they never knew they had. The sense of purpose and fulfillment I derive from this work is beyond words, and I feel truly blessed to walk this path.

As for happiness, it was not always the case, but my journey has led me to a place of contentment and joy. Life’s twists and turns have taught me that happiness isn’t a constant state but a series of moments we must savor.

Today, I find happiness in the connections I forge, the smiles I share, and the positive impact I have on the lives of others.

In this beautiful journey of self-discovery, I’ve learned that true happiness comes from embracing our authentic selves, and that’s a gift I strive to pass on to those I have the privilege to coach and support.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I used to struggle with social anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I felt an intense fear of judgment, criticism, and a belief that I didn’t fit in or that something was inherently wrong with me. The fear of being singled out or negatively evaluated in social situations was constantly present in my life. This fear manifested as physical symptoms like trembling, blushing, and rapid heart rate when I had to speak in public or engage in conversations.

I was always a shy and introverted child, which continued into adolescence. My struggle was significantly influenced by growing up in a small town where I felt like I didn’t fit in.

My racial background set me apart, and I internalized the belief that being different was something to be feared and ashamed of. The fear of judgment and criticism from others deepened during these crucial years, leading to a heightened sense of social anxiety.

Over time, my social anxiety developed into a pervasive force that impacted every aspect of my life. From avoiding social situations to self-censoring in conversations, it became a constant companion, restricting my growth and happiness.

However, the turning point came when it started impacting my performance at work. I had trouble expressing myself in meetings, and my boss told me to find a solution. I decided to confront and address this struggle head-on by joining a Toastmasters club.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

My struggle with social anxiety made me feel utterly isolated and profoundly unhappy. It was as if a dark cloud of self-doubt and fear constantly loomed over me. I felt like an outsider, disconnected from the world around me.

The anxiety was relentless, and it gnawed at my self-esteem and overall well-being. Happiness seemed like an elusive dream, something that others could experience but remained out of my reach.

The impact on my happiness was severe. I found myself avoiding social situations, which led to missed opportunities for personal and professional growth. The sense of isolation and loneliness was overwhelming.

The struggle with social anxiety prevented me from forming meaningful connections and enjoying the richness of life’s social interactions. It wasn’t merely a fleeting discomfort; it was a pervasive and persistent presence that tainted my experiences.

For a long time, I tried to hide my struggle from those around me. I didn’t want to burden others with my internal battles, and I was ashamed of my perceived inadequacies.

It wasn’t always clear to others that I was grappling with something so significant since I had been struggling for so long. They were not able to notice any changes. I

It wasn’t until I started my journey of self-acceptance and sought help that I began to open up about my social anxiety. It was a liberating step towards healing and recovery.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The fear of speaking up in meetings or making presentations became a significant barrier to my career advancement. I knew I couldn’t let this anxiety define my future any longer.

The change began when I decided to join a Toastmasters club, which provided a supportive environment for me to work on my public speaking skills and overcome my social anxiety.

My decision to take the initiative to join this club was a pivotal step, and it was driven by my own determination to break free from the limitations social anxiety had imposed on me.

My struggle with social anxiety had impacted me for several years before I found the catalyst for change in joining Toastmasters. It was a journey that had accompanied me from my youth into my professional life, so it took a considerable amount of time before I recognized the need for change and took that first step toward overcoming it.

Once I started on this path, however, the positive changes and improvements began to accumulate gradually, transforming not only my social anxiety but also my overall outlook on life.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Overcoming social anxiety was a transformative journey, and it was a culmination of various steps that, when taken together, allowed me to break free from its grip.

One of the most significant actions I took was joining a Toastmasters club. This provided a structured and supportive environment to improve my public speaking and communication skills.

I started small by attending meetings and gradually progressed to giving speeches, which were initially nerve-wracking but eventually became more comfortable. The club’s positive and constructive feedback helped build my confidence and minimize my fear of judgment.

Seeking professional help was another pivotal step. I consulted a coach who specialized in anxiety. During our sessions, I learned to identify and challenge irrational thought patterns that fueled my social anxiety. My coach helped me reframe these negative thought patterns and taught me strategies to manage anxiety in real-time.

Additionally, self-acceptance played a critical role. I learned to embrace my uniqueness and let go of the need to conform to societal norms. It was a process of acknowledging that it’s okay to be different and that my differences were not something to be ashamed of. I shared my story with like-minded individuals at Toastmasters, and their acceptance and support reinforced the idea that it’s okay to be myself.

If someone is in a similar situation, I recommend taking these steps as a starting point. Join a supportive group or organization that aligns with your goals, whether it’s Toastmasters or another community that allows you to practice social interaction and public speaking.

Seek professional help from a therapist or coach who specializes in anxiety. Their expertise can guide you in managing your anxiety effectively. Most importantly, remember that self-acceptance is a powerful tool.

Embrace your uniqueness, seek support from a like-minded community, and challenge negative thought patterns. These steps, when combined, can pave the way for significant progress in overcoming social anxiety.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I did not initially feel comfortable discussing my struggle with social anxiety with friends and family members. It took time and a growing self-acceptance to feel comfortable sharing my journey.

The first time I talked about it was in a speech in my Toastmasters club. Sharing my experiences in this supportive environment was a relief and helped me feel less isolated. Everyone was supportive and understanding; it helped me connect with them.

Eventually, as I began to overcome my social anxiety and gained more confidence, I became more comfortable discussing it with more people. I started writing about my experiences in a blog.

This process of opening up about my mental health struggles was a journey in itself, one that reflected my progress in managing social anxiety and finding self-acceptance.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

If I could offer one piece of advice to someone who is struggling with social anxiety, it would be to embrace self-acceptance and self-compassion. What I know now that I wish I had known earlier is that our harshest critic often resides within ourselves.

For years, I believed that social anxiety defined me, and it took a toll on my self-esteem and happiness. I wish I had understood sooner that it’s okay to be different, to have unique qualities, and to not fit into societal norms.

Understanding that social anxiety is not a life sentence and that it can be overcome through self-acceptance and finding a supporting community was a game-changer for me.

Recognize that it’s perfectly normal to have fears and insecurities, but these should not dictate the course of your life. Seek support, whether through therapy, coaching, or sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member.

You don’t have to face social anxiety alone, and there is a path to healing and self-discovery. By accepting yourself as you are, you can transform your relationship with social anxiety and unlock a world of possibilities.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think: This book provides practical techniques for identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that contribute to social anxiety. It helped me learn how to reframe and replace unhelpful thoughts with more positive ones.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me on my website, or find me on Instagram.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Overcame Social Anxiety and Became a Confident Coach to Help Others Do the Same appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi there! My name is Cami and I live in Flagstaff, Arizona, with my adventurous husband and sometimes even more adventurous kids. We have 6 of them, 3 boys and 3 girls, ages 21, 18, 17, 15, and 12-year-old twins.

They are a wild and crazy bunch keeping me busy with all their sporting events, outdoor activities, and friend hangouts. Most weekends are filled with our kids’ activities but when we have a “free” weekend you will find some, or all, of us in a canyon, rappelling off cliffs or rafting on a river, (sometimes both in one trip). Often with a friend or two in tow who may or may not be aware of what they have signed up for. 

I am a much happier person if I can spend a little bit of time each day in nature. I love an early morning run by myself, something with my family, or connecting with friends for any and all trail adventures.

Our ladies’ group loves to chat. We also like to mountain bike, hike, ski, and snowshoe, but most importantly, we talk. You’ll hear us before you see us. 

I am a life coach and started my trauma-informed embodiment coaching shortly after suppressed and repressed trauma came up in my body. At the start of my healing, I couldn’t find a coach who offered the body-based healing I was seeking to release my trauma, so I decided to become what I needed.

Since then I have found a number of healers, realizing that I just didn’t know where to look. These coaches, therapists, and healers have helped me and I am now fortunate to join with them in offering embodied trauma healing.

As for happiness, I always considered myself happy. However, now that I see happiness as an embodied experience, where I can feel a range of amazing and hard emotions, I see the happy person from my past differently.

I see she was doing the best she could, but in reality, she was in trauma most of her life, and that manifested with fawning behaviors of people pleasing, pretending, hiding from her true self, and darn good at being the happy person she was supposed to be.

Today, I know how to feel happy while being in my body, and that is so different than just acting happy. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I thought my struggle started in 2019, but my trauma would tell me a different story. In 2019 I was a 42-year-old woman, taking a course on reclaiming my desire when I was blindsided by memories of a sexual assault from 26 years earlier that refused to be repressed any longer.

Like a beach ball being held underwater ready at any moment to explode to the surface, they chose that moment to burst out of hiding and come forth with a vengeance into my memory and body.

Repression is a coping technique for the freeze response. It’s a way to dissociate from the pain and overwhelm of a traumatic event so there is zero memory of the event or anything connected with it. I now view repression and dissociation as a very kind response because knowledge of my assault rocked my world at 42.

I can’t imagine what my 16-year-old self would have done if the full weight of what I was experiencing came crashing down on me. I had zero resources and no one to believe me if I shared my truth. Few from my past believed me when I shared at 42.

Once the door of repression was opened, I couldn’t stop the floodgate of memories and body responses that came pouring out of me. In fact, many of these traumatic moments were memories of times over the course of those 26 years, when a smell, phrase, place, or mention of my perpetrator’s name would cause a reaction that was out of my control.

Those moments were surprising, startling, and confusing (because, I didn’t remember the assault, I felt my body was acting crazy). Then as victims often do, I would gaslight myself by saying what I was remembering wasn’t real or could never have happened to me.

Then I would promptly shove that memory or body response back down inside me, back to wherever it came from. This reaction is called suppression, meaning something coming up is too overwhelming and so a victim’s survival nervous system will tuck it away and store it for their body to try to offer again at a later date.

Suppression and repression are coping tools common in those with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and when traumas are no longer suppressed or repressed, the past trauma is brought into the present as if it’s happening in the current moment.

In 2019 my past trauma became a constant part of my everyday life and I was diagnosed at my first therapy session that year. 

Over the next couple of years, as more and more trauma surfaced, I found that I also had cPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) another name for developmental trauma.

Unlike PTSD which usually comes from a big T trauma, an event most people agree would be traumatic, cPTSD comes from many small events. The C stands for how complex and interwoven the events can be but to me, it stood for Craziness.

I felt crazy trying to make sense of it all. I knew what I was remembering really happened and yet I doubted and questioned my trauma and my experiences far more in this space due to how subtle it was.

I had 42 years filled with some good times but I wanted to minimize the larger amounts of betrayal from family, church, and friends. Plus there was more sexual abuse that filled up those complex memories. I had normalized the unhealthy in order to survive. 

Now, after 4 years of processing trauma, it continues to be mind-blowing that I had no memory of any of it until 2019. And that same mind-blown response that early in my journey led me into loathing and judgment of my younger self, now leads me into compassion, able to see those younger versions and why I needed my survival nervous system to be online keeping me safe and somewhat functioning.

I no longer have the scary trauma overtake me. When things come up, layer by layer as trauma does, I am no longer afraid. I trust my body and we heal together. We are no longer at war.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

The worst moments came between 2020-2022. I had contempt and hatred for my body’s choice to freeze as its survival coping. I felt weak and was disgusted that my survival kept my trauma at bay, yet bubbling in my unconscious mind and body for 26 years.

I hated the patterns of behavior I could see stem from a frozen me in my current life and I felt hopeless to change them. I felt controlled by my trauma and even though I wanted to do things differently, I couldn’t. Instead, I would freeze and dissociate.

And then when I realized I also had cPTSD, that meant I had been struggling with developmental trauma for 42 years. I had lost myself, never even knowing there was a self to find because I always went into fawning behaviors that managed everyone else at my expense and again, I couldn’t stop doing it. I was a victim and a martyr to my trauma responses and all the people around me. 

When all the flashbacks, memories, and sensations came out of their suppressed and repressed places in my body for both my assault and my complex little t traumas, I was physically exhausted and overwhelmed.

It seemed as if every cell of my body was releasing a memory, a sensation and thought pattern connected with it that felt true and terrifyingly unsettling all at the same time.

I found myself reliving moments of my past over and over again multiple times a day, through memories or body visceral responses that would cause so much terror, disgust, and physical pain, that I thought it would overtake me.

I thought I had to suffer alone and pretended I was fine. I was definitely not happy but thanks to my fawn response, I had always been good at pretending. But my husband was not fooled and neither were my kids.

They knew something was up and looking back, I can see how distracted I was. I had a hard time being present with my kids, husband, and friends because I was so busy trying not to let the memory that was currently playing on repeat have my full attention. I felt I was always divided between 2 worlds.

One I wanted to be fully present in but unable to because of all that was going on inside and one I was trying to avoid but never could. I felt crazy. And I started acting crazy in my attempts to pretend I was fine. I wanted so desperately to be fine.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

There are 2 moments that got me out of the crazy feeling pretend loop I was repeating day after day. One came in 2019 when I was still in denial of how much my PTSD was affecting my life. The other came when I realized that trauma is not mental and so it needs a body-based healing approach.

In 2019, the memories were coming but I was still trying to hold them at bay. I didn’t want what happened to be true and I was resisting, trying so hard to hold back the floodgates. My body would shake without me being aware. I remember my daughter asking me why my hand was shaking. As I looked down at my hand, I saw nothing but a hand at rest.

It felt disconnected from me but I couldn’t see what my daughter could. She put my hand in between her 2 small hands and said, “Mom, they are shaking so much.” I couldn’t feel or see my own hands shake until they were in between hers.

I was terrified that not only could she see something I couldn’t but I couldn’t see or feel myself shaking without her help. My body felt out of control and I wondered what else I was doing that I wasn’t aware of? It was time to get help. 

This was 30% of my change for the better. It was the push I needed to let others support me in my healing from trauma. I saw a therapist, did EMDR, and became a frequent attendee at any trauma summit I could find.

Life coaching, mindset, trauma education, and mindfulness really helped me start to get out of my trauma narratives and have hope that I could heal neuro pathways.

The next 60% came when I realized that trauma is not mental. Even though I had new narratives, I was still constantly triggered and pulled back into trauma responses.

My body, especially my survival system, did not believe the new reframes and new pathways I was creating. The shift came when I took my first body-based trauma release class during COVID. It was somatic experiencing (SE) from Peter Levine.

During that class, I learned tools to let trauma energy cycle through and leave my body. For the first time, I had space to believe my mindset reframes, I didn’t just think them.

Through this class, I no longer hated the experience of my body and I finally believed my body was my own. This shift into embodied healing started me on a path to learn more and is what has made all the difference in releasing my body’s stored trauma.

The last 10% comes each day that I let those traumas show me what I’m still holding that is now ready to be set free. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I’d like to offer that healing is not linear. Some people start with body-based trauma releases and then move to the mindset work. Some do a little bit of both at the same time. Others need mindset, compassion, and mindfulness before they can get into their body.

Trauma is stored in the body and needs to be released from the body and that releasing doesn’t come from hating the body but rather from a turning towards the body.

Which is so hard to do when trauma is in control. And yet, getting into my body helped me to come home to the safety it always wanted to offer me but couldn’t due to the trauma it was holding.

I will share my path and invite you to see what speaks to you and then invite you to follow that and find the next thing that speaks to you.

Life coaching resonated and I was able to give myself options through mindset work and letting wisdom come from within my own mind.

One of my trauma narratives was that I was not very smart and I couldn’t think for myself but needed to instead look to outside sources to tell me what to do. Life coaching taught me how to think for myself.

Next, EMDR gave me the ability to not only learn more about the trauma narratives I was living my life from, but it also gave me a framework for getting into my body in a way to recognize and quantify on a scale of 0-10 how much I believed or didn’t believe something or how triggering something was.

Then after moving my eyes back and forth (bilateral stimulation), my body could regulate and decrease the triggers while also believing more healthy narratives. And bonus, I came up with the narratives from within me and learned my body knows how to heal me.

This is what then led me to look for more ways to let my body speak so I could understand how to release more traumas that kept resurfacing. At first, the body-based techniques seemed too woo-woo for me to explore and yet I was also drawn to them. Thankfully I could hold the conflict and let myself learn anyway.

Somatic work helped me reclaim my body and I finally believed my body was my own instead of an object for others.

Chakras, energy, and subtle body work taught me how to energetically process and move trauma through my body and let it go in a compassionate way, offering understanding for my experience. 

Polyvagal work helped me learn more about the internal landscape within my body and how the vagus nerve can help regulate my internal world, especially when I was in a trauma state. I learned how to move in and out of different trauma states safely.

When my body was a safe place and I could trust myself to listen because of all the body work I had done. Then I went into inner child work. This can be ego, shadow, or parts work.

But the one that spoke to me was inner child and I was able to learn how to let my little Cami have a voice. She never had that. I learned that I often went on autopilot doing what she wanted me to do based on narratives she’d picked up over her years of conditioning.

I noticed that her guidance often came from fear and I was reactive, unconscious, and unloving in that fear. I learned to listen to little Cami but not believe everything she said was true.

My inner child therapist helped me tap into my inner wisdom, and I learned to let her speak and offer my inner child guidance that was teaching her love as a way of goodness instead of reward. I am teaching little Cami how to act from that place instead of trauma conditioning.

This has been my journey. I invite you to find healing from trauma through body-based modalities that offer safety and teach you how to complete energy cycles. Alongside trauma education, mindset, and mindfulness, in whatever order your body, mind, and heart seek.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

We heal together what we cannot do alone. I had a hard time getting support at first. Another strong trauma survival narrative for me was that I had to do everything alone.

I couldn’t trust others because I couldn’t trust myself, so it was actually super helpful to invite others into my trauma and bask in their trust in me to teach me what I didn’t yet believe or see in myself.

My husband and my friends are the first ones I shared those first terrifying memories with. They held me, supported me, and gave me space to express through words (often rants), many tears, and a variety of emotions. All of me was seen and welcomed.

My husband, friends, coaches, and therapists became the resources my 16-year-old and younger self didn’t have. Their support was huge in me being ready to heal. 

In trauma healing, we need to surround ourselves with people who can see us, especially when we are first healing. I find it can be the most loving thing, and what can offer the most goodness, is to give ourselves a choice in who we share our journey with.

It is okay to not share or no longer see family, friends, and acquaintances who pull for us to go back into trauma coping because they are most comfortable when we act in old trauma patterns.

We build up the capacity to be able to hold on to our sense of self around those who most harmed us. It takes practice and it’s ok to choose not to practice and take a rest from the crazy.

Sometimes we need to step away to see clearly. I have family members I no longer speak to and others I have created boundaries around how I interact. It comes with a vast array of feelings to do this and it’s been a journey to let myself feel the grief and loss of these connections. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You are not alone. And you have a choice. Others have been where you are and they are no longer there. The triggers can disappear. You don’t need to stay stuck. You can heal. 

And, you matter, your healing matters, you are worth it, even if you don’t feel like any of that is true. I know I couldn’t believe I mattered when I first started this journey. The only part of that statement that would have seemed true was “even if you don’t”. 

But to know healing and believing I mattered was possible; to meet someone who could really see me; to know it was possible to find safety in my body, even if it terrified me; to be offered that I could have a choice and I’m not left by myself to figure this out would have been so empowering to know earlier.

In trauma choice is taken away, so knowing that I can create my own possibilities and that I have choice around what I create, that would have given me power I didn’t know I had and offered me hope and freedom I didn’t know I could even want.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. van der Kolk helped me understand on a basic level, how trauma was really stored in my body. It resonated on so many levels and I felt seen.
• Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro opened my mind and body up to the expansive feeling of what little bits of regulation within my nervous system could feel like. 
• Better Than Happy Podcast by Jody Moore has been my go-to life coach since even before my trauma surfaced. She gave me the tools to have a choice within my mind and gave me my first taste of what an “And this could also be true” could look like.
• The Place We Find Ourselves Podcast by Adam Young filled me with more context for why my body was responding the way it was in trauma. He helped my brain understand my body on a whole new level.
• Tara Brach’s podcast always gives me a space to get into my body and reconnect with me.
• Become Your Own Medicine YouTube channel by Irene Lyon gave me the nervous system education I needed along with many techniques and tools to apply embodiment to releasing trauma.
• Share Your Stuff, I’ll Go First by Laura Tremaine was a beautiful, fun read into ways I could share my truth and share my voice.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

As a trauma-informed embodiment coach, I guide women on their trauma-healing journeys. With a compassionate and holistic approach, I empower clients to reconnect with their bodies, release themselves from trauma’s grip, and cultivate resilience.

Drawing upon my own experiences, I offer 1:1 sessions, workshops, and practices that promote self-awareness, healing, and transformation. You can sign up for free weekly tips via my newsletter page.

You can learn more about me via my website, Instagram, Facebook LinkedIn, and on my podcast.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Somatic Healing Helped Me Navigate CPTSD to Find True Happiness appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! I’m Sharanya Ramakrishnan, a 31-year-old woman living in Seattle, USA with my wonderful fiance and our 3-year-old Siberian Husky boy, Archer.

I work for Amazon Web Services as a Senior Tech Product Manager. I moved to the United States in 2016, to pursue my Master’s degree and have lived here since, building my career in tech, like so many others.

I grew up thousands of miles away in Bangalore, India, with doting parents whose lives revolved (and still do, to be honest) around my younger sister and me. They both worked very hard to provide us with all the opportunities we could ask for.

My dad has always been my biggest cheerleader. In his mind – there’s nothing his daughter can’t achieve if she wants to. My mother has been an absolute inspiration – though her education was cut shorter than she’d have liked, she used her thirst for knowledge to build a career she absolutely loved. Growing up, my sister and I had our love-hate phases but now, she is my person. I can’t imagine life without her. 

I feel grateful to live in the Pacific Northwest because I get to enjoy the great outdoors. I spend my weekends hiking, reading, volunteering, and exploring Seattle neighborhoods on long walks with my dog.

Archer and I welcomed my fiance into our lives about 2 years ago. I treasure the little moments we spend together as a family. They’re the ones who keep me going through life’s good and bad days.

When someone asks me, “Are you happy?”, I often say that I definitely am, based on my definition of happiness. I’ve realized that for me, happiness is being at peace mentally.

Having gone from a cheerful, easy-going yet ambitious young woman in her early 20s to an anxious, self-critical adult with low self-confidence in her late 20s to my present self now, I can say that I am grateful, therefore I am happy. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My struggle with Anxiety and Depression started with a mini-panic attack in early 2017. While it continued with minor instances, I hit my worst phase in late 2020 and struggled through most of 2021.

I was officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression in early 2022 and have been on antidepressants since October 2022. Yes, it sounds like a calendar of events, Depression milestones of sorts.

But what most people may not understand is that you never know when you’re going to have a panic attack. You never know when you’re going to wake up next with a horrible knot in your stomach, not wanting to leave your bed because that means your day has begun.

You, like me, may not even realize you’re HAVING a panic attack the first time. I still have the image etched in my mind. It was during my Masters and I had an assignment due in 6 hours. Simple, easy one which would probably take me an hour to complete.

But, for whatever reason, I sat there on my chair, feeling my hands and feet get very cold. I was scared but couldn’t logically explain why. It felt like I froze, mentally. I was numb.

Since then, I’ve had panic attacks ranging from cold hands and feet to lying on the floor crying my eyes out as a knot in my chest grew bigger and left me gasping, unable to breathe. But these are instances.

The part that was hardest to deal with was waking up every day, for months, going through your day, and doing the bare minimum. Because I just could not find a reason to do anything. I did not have the energy to live my life and that crushed me the most. 

Until I planned to leave home and move to the United States, life was a very balanced game of effort and reward. I worked hard in school, was consistently among the top students, and reaped my rewards in terms of appreciation and awards, job offers, etc.

The first blow was when I walked up confidently for my F1 student visa interview, with stellar grades and an admission to a University ranked among the top 5 in the US for my course, only to be rejected without any explanation.

This hit me hard. I’d done everything academically to stay on the path I’d dreamed of and convinced my parents, who had second thoughts about me living all alone in a new country so I was mentally preparing myself for the upcoming new chapter in life.

I managed to re-apply for my Visa and make it the same year to grad school. But, this was the first time in my life when I learned that it isn’t always an effort = reward game. 

Fast forward a few years, a few more life lessons but mostly a good life overall, and then came the time when all our lives came to a standstill. The Pandemic of 2020.

What started off as a week of working from home, while visiting my then (now ex) fiance was the beginning of the darkest phase of my depression. In 2020, I got stuck in Seattle for months, away from my home in the Bay Area where I was working then.

Coincidentally, I ended up interviewing and landing an offer with AWS and decided to move cities in mid-2020. So, I left behind the place that felt closest to home since my time in the US, the Bay Area, and all my friends.

I moved to Seattle, a city where I barely knew anyone, thinking it might be a good time to live with my fiance before getting married in November 2020. 

So, we started living together and I began my journey at AWS with an overdose of anxiety and imposter syndrome in July 2020. I let my love for dogs overrule my practicality and we got a puppy together, my first dog ever, Archer, in August 2020.

And somewhere between juggling a highly competitive tech job, raising a pup for the first time (a high-energy husky at that), struggling to communicate with my partner, and feeling isolated without my support system of friends during the pandemic, I slipped into what felt like a hopeless abyss.

Externally, people saw someone with a successful career, a relationship inching towards the wedding, and a beautiful pup to add to the joy. Internally, it was anxious days with constant self-doubt at work and a  relationship that was crumbling under the weight of the pandemic. 

We pushed out the wedding, eventually ending the engagement and I moved out, to live alone for the first time with an almost 1-year-old pup to take care of. My parents, like most Indian parents, viewed their daughter getting married as the mark of successfully raising their child.

It broke their heart when they learned about the break-up. It was the hardest few months of my life. But, this phase also pushed me on a journey of self-discovery, reflection, growth, and healing. 

I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years now, with weekly therapy sessions and daily medication. I can now confidently say that I have the ability to tackle whatever life throws at me and hope that I don’t experience a drawn-out phase of struggle like before.

I still have days every couple of weeks when I feel empty inside but know how to help myself out of it. Panic attacks are still slightly more difficult to handle but having my anxiety medication handy has helped immensely.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

My struggle with Anxiety and Depression impacted every facet of my life. There have been days when I felt so unlike the “me” I knew my whole life that I stopped and questioned when I changed so much.

I went from seeing myself as a carefree and confident optimist to a paranoid, underconfident person. I questioned everything from my job offers to my promotion and felt like I didn’t deserve them.

My anxious-avoidant attachment style coupled with depression during the pandemic had a drastic impact on my relationship choices. I didn’t stand up for myself and willingly gave up my time and energy, seeking validation.

Ultimately, I was in a place where nothing really excited me or made me happy anymore, I felt like I had no purpose in life. My only reason to get out of bed in the morning was my dog.

Even this came with a sense of extreme guilt, that he might have a happier life with a loving family rather than someone struggling to juggle work, health issues, and taking care of himself. 

After my broken engagement, I leaned on my friends and family for support. In my personal life, I’ve always been open about my emotions with close friends but never really spoke out about the bad days and struggles with depression.

My sister was my only confidant for the longest time. I gradually started being more vocal about it with a few people after starting therapy and spending time on my personal growth.

However, I’ve never spoken openly with friends or colleagues about how I’ve struggled at work as a result of my anxiety or depression. I’m now slightly more open to talking about it but was always scared that talking about it while going through the struggle would affect my career growth. 

I’ve never thought about self-harm, having seen firsthand how it affects family when someone chooses to end their life. However, there have been many times when I wished I just disappeared, erased. No one would remember my existence and nobody would be in pain.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

There were a few moments in 2022 when I felt…light. It felt like I was carrying something heavy in my head for a long time and finally, someone removed it. My mind was constantly racing with pessimistic thoughts, overthinking past situations, future fears, what I could have done differently, etc.

I tried to fill every spare second with self-help audio books, YouTube videos, and mental health blogs to help me navigate the overthinking that was taking over my life.

And then slowly, gradually, without me consciously realizing it, I had a shift in perspective. I felt more gratitude for the growth and learning that came out of my difficult experiences, than the pain they’d caused.

I started cherishing my time alone in thought and the peace that came along. I started waking up looking forward to experiences again. But the biggest difference I remember is after I started my medication in October 2022 and waking up one morning in January 2023, feeling like my old, cheerful self. That was a beautiful day.

I would say that 50% of my mindset shift came from self-reflection during therapy and personal growth-focused learning. The rest I would attribute to actions – everything from walking my dog several times a day, which meant stepping out and moving my body even on the worst days, to including exercise as part of my lifestyle and building a support system of close friends. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I had tried therapy once, way back in early 2019, but didn’t find it helpful. I tried it again in 2020 and early 2021 but did not find it very helpful. I felt like I was summarizing what was happening in my life to someone, that’s it.

I kept at it and connected enough with one therapist to take about 4 sessions. Her approach was different and I found the sessions to be slightly helpful.

However, we couldn’t connect enough to continue further. And then in March 2022, I found my current therapist who I’ve met almost every week, for more than a year now. I cannot quantify the immense impact she has had on my life, I just know I’ll be grateful to her for the rest of my life.

Now, I often tell friends that finding a therapist can be very similar to dating. It is important to find the right person! The key difference I now realize was all the other therapists approached the sessions as a one-time visit rather than something more.

My therapist started our first session by discussing my goals from therapy. What aspect of my life did I want to improve and how? This by itself was a great reflective exercise. 

She took the time to listen to my life map or a timeline of every year of my life and whatever I remember, until now. I believe those sessions set the foundation to help her understand who I am, my interactions with family, how I view myself in the world, etc.

She helped me uncover my relationship attachment style and how I can work on moving towards a secure, healthy relationship. She helped me realize that I was functioning from a place of depleted energy, without putting in the effort into self-care to replenish lost energy.

For example, she uncovered my people-pleasing tendency, which meant saying yes to all social commitments and then overpacking my days with them, at the expense of any time that I could get for myself.

This meant I could not recharge and replenish my energy but ended up losing more trying to keep everyone else happy. Fatigue, low energy, and lack of interest stemmed from here for me.

She helped me understand the true meaning of self-care – daily routines focused on good food, sufficient sleep, regular exercise, and mindfulness. She provided me with tools to manage my anxiety, from grounding techniques to breathwork and clay work.

She’s had a great impact on helping me heal and when I say that the rewards from the right therapist are priceless, I truly hope everyone in need of therapy works to find the right therapist for them and not give up.

I now realize that cognitive understanding is very important for me to navigate life. I spent a lot of time trying to work on and resolve relationship issues for the first time in my life, rather than ignoring them.

I felt like I needed answers to the “Why did this happen to me?” question that comes up in our minds so often during bitter life experiences. So, I sought to understand more about relationships, mental health, what makes us react to situations and why everyone reacts differently, etc.

I read self-help books, listened to podcasts, and watched videos on these topics. I did this every day, to fill any spare time I had because it seemed to feel “productive” at the time. I also spent time discussing this topic with a few close friends who could relate to my experiences. I didn’t know that consuming this type of content was slowly shifting my perspective.

For example, I remember dealing with bouts of anger and irritability as a side-effect of depression. It was often directed at family and I always regretted it later. I learned about the concept of “responding” and not “reacting” to situations and tried to consciously implement this every time I felt myself on the verge of losing my temper. 

Another aspect that I cannot stress enough is exercise. Throughout this time, I’ve had months where I exercised regularly at least 3-4 times a week, and a few weeks without exercising.

I’ve noticed a significant difference in my mood and energy levels during weeks when I’m not exercising. I have more bad days or low-energy days during such weeks and feel physically weak, even if it is a week of regular routine without any exercise.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Yes, I’ve shared all of it with my sister, I consider her my pillar of strength. My fiance is also familiar with my journey and is very supportive. I’ve also shared parts of it with a few close friends, though most aren’t aware of my medications. 

I did not feel comfortable talking to my colleagues about this. As mentioned before, I had (and probably still do) hesitations about how they may respond to it and the impact it can have on my career growth.  

By nature, I’m someone who has been comfortable discussing struggles with close friends – more of an open-book kinda person. I wouldn’t say I find it hard to share most things, but a handful of topics are harder.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Always remember that there will be happier days and you deserve to experience and enjoy them. It may take weeks, months, or even years, but all the work you put into improving your mental health is the best gift you can give yourself.

Most of all, your happiness depends only on one person in your entire life, the only one who will be with you forever – yourself. Any happiness you receive from other sources – be it parents, partners, or friends, is adding to the core. It is NOT the core.

This is why it is so important to learn to spend time enjoying your company, being your #1 support system, and treating yourself with love and self-compassion. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• YouTube channel: Psych2Go – This was a valuable channel to help me dive into my symptoms and get a better handle through useful, practical tips to manage depression. The short format videos make it easy to consume. 
• YouTube channel: Sadhguru – I’ve never been religious or a very spiritual person, all my life. However, when things were falling apart and I sought answers, this channel seemed to provide them. 
• YouTube channel: Better Than Yesterday – I found tips in this channel helpful on days when I had to motivate myself to get the bare minimum done. 
• Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and Everything is F*cked by Mark Manson – I found both the books easy to grasp, straightforward, practical and they approach life from a “how to embrace change” and be selective about the problems we want in our lives, which is helpful. Focusing on the “good problems” mindset is helpful when you’re feeling like the victim. 
• Book: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle – At a time when I had so many questions about how life worked, how people changed, and what I did wrong, this book was a guiding light for self-reflection. It has powerful information that if you choose to read and absorb, it will definitely help you become a calmer and more balanced person
• Book: Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty – Great book for when you feel like you don’t have a purpose in life and feel restless constantly or are in limbo, going with the wind through life. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find me on LinkedIn and Instagram.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Navigated Anxiety, Depression and Panic Attacks As I Settled Abroad in a New World appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, my name is Dr. Kyle Elliott, and I currently live in Santa Barbara, California with my partner, J.V. We’re both Disney Magic Key Holders and moved to Southern California from the San Francisco Bay Area at the beginning of the pandemic to be closer to Disneyland!

When not at Disneyland, I’m a career coach, and I specialize in senior managers and executives in the tech industry. In other words, I help leaders find jobs at companies like Meta, Amazon, and Google, as well as private equity and VC-backed companies and hyper-growth startups.

I’m also a writer and love using my words to help educate others, whether it’s about navigating the nuances of a modern-day job search, growing in their careers, or managing stress and anxiety.

I’m a proud mental health advocate and manage my mental health through lots of therapy, self-care, and, of course, trips to Disneyland.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

One of the biggest challenges in my life has been learning how to effectively cope with anxiety on a daily basis. In my undergraduate studies, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, following five years of daily migraines that seemed to have no cause.

While it was helpful to finally uncover the root cause of the chronic migraines and see them quickly dissipate as I began managing the anxiety, it’s an ongoing journey that has required consistent attention, ongoing tweaks, and the help of my community.

Looking back, I’ve had anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. As a child, I had interesting quirks such as the constant urge to straighten picture frames, ensure hangers were spaced the same distance apart, and check that the lights were turned off. As an adult, my anxiety manifested as a work addiction with perfectionist tendencies and people-pleasing behavior.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I’ve always been a high performer, and my anxiety has fueled my success, though it has also resulted in fatigue and burnout at times. Anxiety has been both my superpower and my kryptonite.

My anxiety was at its worst while in graduate school. I was sexually assaulted and subsequently developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). One of the most frightening PTSD symptoms was panic attacks that felt like déjà vu but would last for hours on end.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

While I started therapy during my sophomore year of college, it really made the most impact when I met my current therapist, Stephanie, and she challenged me to stop waiting to live the life I wanted.

Before meeting Stephanie, I said I would relax once I got to college… And then once I got to graduate school… And then once I landed my first professional job… And then once I launched my business… And then once my business hit six figures…

During our very first session, Stephanie “caught on” to the fact that I perpetually pushed off my goal of relaxing. Since then, I’ve strived to live a more balanced, mindful, and meaningful life.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Therapy has been a game changer, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without therapy.

However, it wasn’t simply attending sessions that made the difference. Instead, it was reviewing my goals and deciding which ones I wanted to work toward, figuring out how to turn them into a reality, and asking for help as soon as I got stuck.

As a recovering workaholic, learning to rest and relax has also been a game-changer. I used to skip family functions and time with friends to work. Now, I schedule my work around my travels and am constantly planning my next trip with my family.

Speaking of which, I wouldn’t be where I am today without my community, which includes my family, my friends, and my professional network of peers. You cannot and should not go through this life alone. Find people who have been in your shoes and learn from them.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I am proud to share my lived experiences with others to inspire change, and I am thankful to be surrounded by people who have been supportive and uplifting when I share my mental health experiences.

That said, I do recall a hurtful experience I had in college shortly after being diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. After finishing a therapy session, I met a then-friend for lunch. She asked where I was coming from, and I nonchalantly mentioned therapy. She proceeded to ask if I was “crazy” and whether it was safe to be around me.

While I had the courage and knowledge to educate her about mental health, the words still stung and have stuck with me to this day. They motivated me to write my dissertation on the mental health experiences of college students.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t be afraid to ask for help if you are struggling. You are not alone, and it gets better. There are people out there who have been where you are and who want to help you.

When you’re going through a difficult time, it can be difficult to remain hopeful. However, please know that recovery is possible, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You’ve got this!

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist: This book required me to face my perfectionist tendencies head-on, sit with the discomfort, and begin to work through the difficult feelings.
• On Being with Krista Tippet: This podcast series has tons of timely topics that give me a greater sense of meaning and make me feel more grounded in life.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me at CaffeinatedKyle.com or on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Navigating Anxiety and OCD With Therapy, Social Support, and Trips to Disneyland! appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Raneisha Stassin (pronounced RUH-KNEE-SHUH) and I’m a PR consultant based in San Diego, California. Prior to San Diego, I lived in San Francisco and Belgium but I was born and raised in Arkansas. 

I’m married and have an 8-year-old son on the Autism spectrum. He is my world and I spend much of my time caring for him and working with his care team. I’m also a PR consultant so I spend a great deal of time taking care of my clients, several of whom do work in the mental health and wellness space.

I’m very much an introverted homebody but when I do leave the house it’s usually to meet with other free-spirited creatives, go to see live music, a farmers market, or to a nearby beach. I really love art, music, and dance as well!

My primary form of exercise is dance and I’ve danced my entire life. It’s a great way to release negative energy in my experience. I also love to sing, write, and read. I spend a lot of time developing routines and regimens that incorporate the arts as a form of self-care and I try to engage my son in creative expression as well.

I’m also incredibly drawn to esoteric spiritual practices and spend a great deal of time in meditation, prayer, or engaged in some sort of grounding exercise. I wouldn’t say I’m happy but these practices, and my loved ones, do allow me to have a sense of gratitude that help me overcome my darker moments.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

This is a tough question for me because I’ve experienced “symptoms” much of my life but due to my upbringing, I had no awareness of it until much later in life.

I grew up in poverty in the rural South. Much of my early life was incredibly traumatic and abusive. I also experienced a lot of loss and grief from a very early age. My sister was murdered when I was a child, my grandmother who raised me as a young child passed away, and my older brother died suddenly in a car crash.

I was always quite hard on myself and had a difficult time appropriately expressing my emotions, especially after such losses, but because much of my family also struggled with similar issues I didn’t really notice a major issue until later in life. 

Growing up poor in the rural south I also didn’t have access to therapists. Mental illness was also heavily stigmatized in my community. However, at 26 during my divorce, I was living in the Bay Area and had more access to this type of care.

It was during my first of 4 involuntary hospitalizations that I was initially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 with Psychosis, Depression, and Severe Anxiety.

I was put on a number of different medications, mostly antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, and was in and out of inpatient programs, peer support groups, and 1 on 1 talk therapy sessions before I was instead diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I’d also been told by other clinicians that I have traits of ADHD or even Autism, however, the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis made sense to me given my codependency issues and the impact relationships had on my mood.

I often struggled with fits of rage, self-harm, impulsive behavior, and codependency which led to extreme anxious attachment to my partners and episodes when perceived abandonment occurred.

I still struggle with many of these things today. I often cycle through bouts of severe depression, anxiety, or splitting episodes (black or white thinking common for those with BPD).

In the past, I didn’t understand my behavior or intense mood swings, but now I understand much of it is rooted in past trauma. Nearly everything in regard to close personal relationships can trigger or set me off.

I often describe it as living life with no skin. Everything hurts and my brain interprets every single interaction as a threat or rejection.

Having greater awareness of the root causes of my triggers and why I naturally resort to feeling unsafe and defensive helps me manage it and reduces the severity of my mood swings and episodes.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For a long time, I did a good job of hiding the fact that I struggled with depression. This is one I’d experienced much longer than others so it felt quite familiar to me. However, after my brother passed away unexpectedly while I was in college, I became more of a recluse.

For a while, it was easy to continue to mask my symptoms because I guarded myself by spending much of my time alone and many people just came to know me as an introvert who occasionally got a little “wild”.

I used to party a lot in my younger years, which unfortunately also makes it easier to hide such symptoms, particularly symptoms of self-harm and impulsivity.

All of my romantic relationships and interpersonal relationships were typically negatively impacted nonetheless. The few people I did let close to me came to know me as someone who was extremely emotionally volatile and some might even have the impression that I was manipulative, though I feel this is an often misunderstood characteristic of those with BPD.

In reality, I was mostly just afraid. I was never able to, and frankly still struggle, with letting my guard down with anyone. Additionally, much of my behavior was reactions to very intense emotions.

Emotional regulation is something I’ve always struggled with so having deep connections and healthy relationships have always been a struggle for me, especially in the years following my brother’s death.

I often tried describing the intensity of my emotions and why I felt they warranted what appeared to be such dramatic and often frightening reactions, but it was incredibly difficult for those close to me to understand and I didn’t have a proper name for it until I received my diagnosis only a couple of years ago in 2021.

So much of my life I felt misunderstood or alone as a result. One positive of the diagnosis is that it’s easier to communicate what’s happening to those around me, though that often comes with its own stigma as well.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Receiving a formal diagnosis and having professionals put into words things I’ve been experiencing and give me an understanding of how my past experiences may have influenced how I process and respond to emotions definitely helped me.

I will say that while medications and traditional Western modes of healing ultimately did not work out for me, as unfortunately, BPD is still a widely misunderstood ‘disorder’ even in clinical settings, having this knowledge was the catalyst for me doing my own inner work that allowed me to better understand myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. 

I will say that treatments like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) were helpful in providing me with a set of skills that helped me challenge my negative thoughts and behaviors, but I ultimately felt they still didn’t help me tap into the root issue of why I was experiencing these intense emotions or reactions in the first place.

Instead, giving myself permission to explore what these emotions and thoughts were really trying to communicate to me about how I felt about myself, the world, and the people around me was most healing. I personally found that journaling, spiritual practices, grounding techniques, and connecting with others in the BPD community helped me the most.

I’ve noticed the biggest change in the past year since quitting a very demanding job and really prioritizing reducing stressors and regularly connecting with those in the mental health community for support. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

By taking time to actually allow myself to safely explore my intense emotions I was able to understand that I was deeply traumatized, lacked emotional regulation skills due to my upbringing, and had severe attachment issues due to early abandonment and sudden loss.

For me, this understanding and giving myself space to feel what I feel without shame, and time to unlearn what I had unfortunately learned as a defense mechanism early in life, has helped me take steps to start shifting away from the intensity of my emotions and thoughts which in turn also helps my behavior and responses to those emotions.

Now I try to separate my identity from my thoughts and feelings and put space between those and my subsequent reactions.

In other words, when things come up for me now instead of automatically reacting in a way that feels natural for me (e.g. exploding, running away, etc.), which is often rooted in trauma, I’ve trained myself to calm my nervous system through self-care and study the root causes of these feelings and thoughts.

Unfortunately, severe Cluster B disorders are often so stigmatized that those with them don’t ever feel safe enough to truly explore their intense thoughts and emotions.

Traditional Western models typically don’t allow for those with more severely negative and harmful thoughts to have a safe space to really share them.

Oftentimes we’re perceived as a threat to ourselves and others which can stop a lot of people from really getting the support they need.

BPD (borderline personality disorder) is widely misunderstood because the episodes, impulsivity, and fits of rage can be so intense the only thing that is focused on is stopping the behaviors rather than understanding what’s causing them in the first place.

A major reason I was able to safely explore my intense emotions was that I sought out peer support groups and connected with other people in the BPD and severe mental health community who understood me and validated my need for safety, love, and support.

Peer-led support groups, self-care routines that allowed me to self-soothe, and inner work frankly have helped me more than anything else I’ve tried. It’s something I have to be super intentional about every day but I’ve seen a drastic change already.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Due to the severity of my illness and the frequent hospitalizations I’ve had since 2019, I am very transparent about my struggles. I often had a hard time keeping up with demanding jobs, the demands of parenting, etc. when I was struggling so I had to get comfortable telling those around me that I was having a really hard time and needed help.

Oftentimes, I’d wait until I was in crisis mode when I then had no option but to get professional help. It was incredibly hard for me to learn to open up about this in professional work settings especially but I had to be transparent with my managers since I needed to focus a lot of my energy on recovery.

While I don’t necessarily recommend this to everyone, I make sure everyone who is close to me is aware since my illness is directly impacted by my interpersonal relationships and every facet of my life could potentially be impacted by that.

Typically those who are very close to me or communicate with me on a regular basis will be aware that something is wrong at some point given the nature of my illness.

I’ve found, however, that sharing my struggles has only helped me connect with others who understand and also spark important discussions that break stigma and allow others to feel safe opening up about their own struggles.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I knew when I was younger that just because I feel awful doesn’t mean I’m an awful person. I spent much of my life hating myself because of my illnesses.

I think that people who struggle with mental illnesses, especially the more stigmatized and widely misunderstood ones, often feel shame. This can unfortunately hinder efforts to recover.

Once I learned to separate who I am as a person from my illness, specifically how it makes me think and feel, it was so much easier to really start to heal. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Podcasts and social media pages from those who share their firsthand experience with Borderline Personality Disorder and other Cluster B disorders help me a lot! 

The podcast I always recommend is Back from the Borderline because I love how Mollie approaches this topic from firsthand experience but also does a ton of research and brings on experts who can provide that behavioral science point of view.

She’s the perfect blend of empathetic and understanding, yet educational and insightful. I know that podcast has helped a ton of people in the BPD community feel less shame and more support which in my experience is the first step to really healing. 

I’m also connected with Emotions Matter which is a nonprofit that is raising awareness of and support for those who live with BPD.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I have my own podcast called “Surviving and Thriving: A Podcast About Life, Mental Health, & Personal Growth” which you can find on Apple podcasts or Spotify. I’m also fairly active on Instagram where I share mental health content as well. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Got Better at Navigating BPD With Self-Care, Inner Work and Peer Support appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Rob Kalwarowsky, an impactful leadership coach for Elite High Performance. I use a unique blend of psychology, science, leadership & experience to give my clients life-changing transformations.

I have a special ability to give people an intimate and caring space, regardless of the size of the room, while bringing humor and research into my coaching.

I recently did a TEDx talk called How to Deal with an A**Hole Boss and I co-host the Leadership Launchpad Project podcast, rated Canada’s #3 top leadership podcast by Feedspot.

Before transitioning into leadership coaching & speaking, I spent over 10 years as an engineer within mining, oil pipelines, and consulting in heavy industry.

I have a foundation of high performance as I graduated from Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) with a Bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering with a minor in Management, I was a 3-time Academic All-American in NCAA Water Polo and I played on the Canadian Junior National Water Polo Team. the 

Now, I live in Costa Rica, married to my wife, Mbalia and we have an amazing labradoodle, Winston.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I struggle with depression, anxiety & suicidality. It started in 2012 because of a toxic boss.

When I started working, I thought I had it all. I played on the Canadian Junior National Water Polo Team and got a Mechanical Engineering degree from MIT.

In my first job in mining, I saved my company millions. I thought I was on the fast track to success and happiness, but it all came crashing down. I had a toxic boss and it led me to turn in on myself.

Day by day, my manager ground me down. He made me question my choices at work, then my purpose, then whether my life itself had any meaning. And in 2013, I tried to take my life.

I was getting medications and therapy at the time but nothing helped. I tried 10-15 medications, I was invalidated in therapy and then I gave up. I didn’t think help would work for me.

In 2020, after moving and switching jobs multiple times, I went back into therapy. My therapist is amazing and we did deep trauma work using EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. I still struggled with my mood and she recommended that I try to find medications.

After another 10-15 medications that didn’t work, I finally found a great psychiatrist who prescribed me medications that worked (he ordered a genetic test for me) and ketamine treatment.

It all clicked for me and the last few years were a massive change. I pivoted from engineering into leadership coaching, got married to my wife, got my dog, Winston, moved to Costa Rica, and did a TEDx talk about bad bosses. Now my life is more fulfilling, happier and I’m supported by an incredible group of people.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

In my worst moments, I felt despair and I felt like my only option was to take my life. I had tried 20-25 different medications, I had tried numerous therapies/therapists, I had tried everything I could think of to help myself and yet, I was in the darkness with no light.

I didn’t know how to get out. I couldn’t see any path or steps that gave me a glimmer of hope. It was all darkness, pain, and despair.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment that things turned around for me was when I met my now psychiatrist for the first time. Up to that point, I had been to 3-4 other psychiatrists, I had taken 20-25 different medications without success, and I had been diagnosed with a multitude of disorders some of which were incorrect.

I had also been doing deep trauma therapy for 9 months where I saw my therapist 2-3 times/week. I knew my therapist was great but I still felt suicidal.

My psychiatrist did 2 things that made me trust him immediately. After I told him, I had tried all these medications and many of them made me feel worse. He ordered a genetic test so we had scientific data on which medications would/wouldn’t work.

The second thing, he showed me multiple scientific papers on the effectiveness of ketamine treatment on treatment-resistant depression. He showed me in the first consult that he relies on science (not guesswork like what I experienced before) and he was constantly searching for new treatments to help people more effectively. He was the final piece of my puzzle that saved my life.

When I was assessed by my psychiatrist in June 2021, I was 51 out of 63 on Beck’s Depressive Inventory (considered Extreme Depression). A few months later, I was in my 20s (Borderline Clinical Depression) and now, I’m not considered depressed anymore (I still take medication, have treatment, and do therapy to maintain my current mood).

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

• My top recommendation for people who struggle with depression is to surround yourself with the right people. I think it should include both mental health professionals and personal connections (spouse, partner, friends, family, colleagues, etc.) 
• For me, the right mental health professionals were a psychologist & psychiatrist who were constantly growing, evolving their thinking, and willing to experiment with new modalities. 
• Here are a few examples:
  • I found a great therapist where I was able to excavate & heal trauma. For example, EMDR & IFS therapy were more effective for me than CBT or talk therapy. My therapist was constantly taking new programs, speaking to her mentors, and implementing her learnings with me. 
    One key example was her using Accelerated Resolution Therapy on my memory of the suicide attempt. Through ART, I was able to process the trauma of that event and change the memory.
  • I found a great psychiatrist where I was able to balance the chemicals in my brain. He was constantly reading scientific papers and kept showing me new research on ketamine and my medications to give reasoning behind his recommendations. 
    The keys for me were MAOI medications instead of traditional SSRIs and using ketamine treatment which is fairly new in its usage as an antidepressant.

• For me, the right personal support system included a coach, my wife, and my dog.
  • I found a great coach where I was able to envision and work towards a fulfilling future. She gave me the optimism, clarity, and confidence that I had lost while suffering.
  • I found an amazing wife & dog who gave me love and acceptance. My wife has supported me through my darkest moments and given me love when I was broken.
    My dog showed me what unconditional love and unconditional acceptance is. He’s always near me and we share so many moments throughout the day that keep me feeling great.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I started struggling in 2012, I found it hard to share it with anyone. When it became too much for me to handle on my own, I started sharing it with friends.

Unfortunately, I pushed those friends away because of what I was sharing. They were not mental health professionals and I overstepped their boundaries by sharing too much.

In 2019, I started talking about it openly. I wrote a blog post about depression where I received so much feedback from the global maintenance & reliability engineering community that I never turned back. I started sharing pieces on my podcast as well.

The impact helped me keep going. I received messages from people who struggled from Australia to North America saying that reading that blog helped them.

In 2021, I had the privilege of doing a keynote in Australia where hundreds of professionals heard me speak about my mental health struggles. Most recently, in July 2023, I did a TEDx talk in Japan about toxic bosses and my mental health struggles that were triggered by having one.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Don’t stop searching until you find your perfect support team. I went through many therapists, psychiatrists, coaches, and friends (losing some in the process) until I found the right support team for me. I felt so many times that I was unfixable. After years of searching, I finally found the perfect people for my support system. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t overnight but it saved my life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Internal Family Systems was a game-changer for me not only in supporting my own healing/day-to-day life but also in understanding others. 
• Dr. Richard Schwartz’s book – No Bad Parts was really helpful in understanding IFS after I had done many therapy sessions using this modality. I was also fortunate to have interviewed Dr. Schwartz for the Leadership Launchpad Project podcast.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

• I’m most active on LinkedIn.
• My podcast, Leadership Launchpad Project.
• For tips & strategies to Help You Deal with a Toxic Boss.  
• For 1on1 or corporate high-performance leadership coaching.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How a Toxic Boss Pushed Me to Into a Depression and How I Bounced Back appeared first on Tracking Happiness.