Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Julijana, I live in the Balkan region of Europe. I’m 22 years old, and I’m currently employed by a foreign company. It’s a good job, which allowed me to become self-sufficient at 20.

But the night shift sucks. I don’t have a specific job position, but you can compare it to that of a coordinator. I have been in a very happy relationship for 4 years.

I love that we are growing up together and learning about life and how to be adults. It makes you feel less lonely when you can share your journey with someone. I have also adopted a kitty named Sushi.

She was a garbage cat, and now she is fat and fluffy. I’m also a full-time student, so I cannot commit to a lot of hobbies, but I’m working on finding something that makes me happy.

I have a feeling that I am constantly in a state of transition and searching, whether for a better job, hobby, myself, etc.

I would not consider myself to be a happy person. I am a very worried person, and that affects my everyday life a lot, but I do consider myself grateful for everything I have. I am working on being more of a happy person.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Around the age of 13, I started having a lot of mood swings that were attributed to puberty, but as they grew bigger and bigger, I realized I needed to reach out for help. In the beginning, it was only small mood swings, but eventually, it grew to be a much larger issue.

Around 14, I started having episodes of what I didn’t know was mania. I started getting super hypersexual, and I started spending a lot of my money. I also started to steal from my family members, and every time I did it, I didn’t know why exactly. I just liked the high I got from stealing, and I liked the high of spending that money.

There were a couple of times I went through an episode that endangered my life. Once, I decided to walk on the edge of a bridge ledge, thinking I couldn’t die because I was invincible.

No one really attributed this to something more going on, all of my friends liked it and called me crazy. Crazy and cool are used synonymously in middle and high school.

Later on, around 16, I started having deep depression episodes. Before that, there were times I would get sad, but not like this. Those episodes turned into a lot of guilt and sadness, and I needed to punish myself for something, but I didn’t know what. I had a need to punish myself, so I did.

I started self-harming around that time. I remember everyone asking me where I had seen it and why I was copying people on the internet, but all I wanted was to punish myself. I hid it really well.

This time is a blur. All I remember is going from thinking that my dead grandparent was sending me signals to trying to commit suicide.

After that, I got hospitalized of my own free will. I was there for 2 weeks, and it didn’t help me; it actually left a very bad impression. All they did was secure mentally unstable people not to harm themselves or others, but nothing was done to help anyone.

Around 17, I got hospitalized again, this time for 33 days. I was put on multiple medications that led me to gain a huge amount of weight. It is hard to diagnose bipolar disorder in minors, but finally, at 17, I got the diagnosis. After finding the right combo of meds, I became stable again.

I finished school, enrolled in college, and also found a job.

I’m not cured, I still have episodes, but due to using Lamictal, they are way less severe, and finally, I’m a functional human!

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

No one really noticed I was struggling. At 16, I myself reached out for help to my school counselor. She then helped me get into treatment. My parents didn’t notice before I told them, as they were occupied with my younger siblings.

My friends didn’t really notice either, everything I did was considered cool and not something to be concerned about. The self-harm was not evident because I tried to hide it very well.

After everything, I still feel guilty. Some of the feelings cannot be shaken off. For some reason, I still hate myself without an actual reason. I guess this is a journey.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I don’t remember when it started to get better. There wasn’t anything I did. I think that as time went on, I just got tired of hate, guilt, and sadness. I don’t know how I stopped self-harm. I just remember my mindset changing and thinking that even if I hate myself, I shouldn’t harm my body.

It took years to stop and practice. I didn’t just drop it. I stopped doing it every day, then every week. It was a struggle, and I still get the urge to do it on a bad day. It became like an impulse, but I managed to control it after a few years.

I have been clean for 3 years now. I “relapsed” 3 years ago, but I got back on track quickly. I know meds helped, but it just took time, talk, therapy, a change of mindset, and everything else that you can think of. I had to change everything I knew so I could get better.

I still don’t know how I did it.

Loving the man I love also helped me. I felt worthy for the first time. Getting into college made me feel worthy. Getting my first job and moving out made me feel worthy.

Not happy 100%, because with all this comes the worry, but it did make me happy enough to start appreciating myself from time to time.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Therapy, therapy, therapy. That’s the best thing I can recommend. But before therapy, you must get the right diagnosis, which is hard. Finding the right doctor might also be a challenge, but I think there is no right answer to getting better.

Therapy helped me feel acknowledged and not crazy. It helped me understand my condition, how to manage it, and how to try to control it.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I have shared everything only after it happened, after hospitalization. During that time, I wasn’t even able to explain what was going on, so I was afraid to open up to anyone, fearing they wouldn’t understand. Not everyone reacted positively to my story, a lot of judgment occurred but that was to be expected.

I live in a small country in Europe, and mental health is still stigmatized here. I found it way easier to use the sentence “I’m working on some stuff” than to actually explain your problems.

Even now, I hide my scars from my co-workers because it’s easier to explain. I have worked for the same company for almost 3 years, and no one knows about my illness, so I plan for it to stay that way.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I knew that I was worthy of the treatment and that everything I felt was valid. Because it is, no one is the same. Even with the same condition, we are all different.

I was scared of what was happening to me. I was full of hatred, sadness, guilt, disappointment in the world, etc., but sometimes I still am! And that’s valid.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Nothing in particular.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Not comfortable sharing.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post My Bipolar Disorder Journey and How Therapy and Medication Help Me Navigate appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Tatyana Frost and I live in Manchester New Hampshire. I work in social work and have worked as a clinical mental health case manager, but recently accepted a new position as an inpatient mental health counselor.

It can be a challenge to work in mental health while struggling with your own, but it has provided me with copious amounts of perspective and knowledge which not only allows me to help others, but also myself.

I am currently engaged to my amazing partner and we are planning our wedding for October of next year. We have two kitty cats together, Kimchi and Frittata and they are my whole world!

Most days I would say I consider myself to be satisfied and pleased with my life, but I would say this is a fairly recent development. I have always struggled with what I call my “deep down sadness” which often interrupts my ability to feel secure and joyful in life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I began to struggle with my mental health when I was really young. I’ve kept diaries my whole life and the first record I have of wanting to kill myself was when I was about 9 years old.

I have a trauma history dating back to before I could speak when I was taken out of my home in Ulyanovsk, Russia due to neglect and suspected abuse.

I was adopted by my new family when I was about 3 years old and taken to the States. I struggled with being adopted a lot; I felt like I was an unwanted, unlovable, and undeserving child.

My adoptive family provided me with a great life but could be very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. I grew up chronically invalidated and gaslit, being told that my feelings were unimportant or wrong.

My mother made me feel as though nothing I did was ever enough to please her and pushed shame onto me when she was feeling insecure. I always felt as though I was responsible for my parent’s inability to manage their emotions and that I was the problem. 

As a teenager, my depression worsened but I struggled to speak up since mental health was a taboo topic of discussion in my family. Besides, at the time I thought that everyone was feeling the way I did inside.

That was when I began self-harming for the first time. I had heard about it and thought that since that’s what others did to feel better, it would make me feel better too. Self-harming became a regular coping skill I would utilize whenever my mom and I would fight, which was often.

My first episode of mania was when I was about 17. I had never been manic before, and my naturally hyperactive personality created an easy-to-wear mask for this symptom.

I began staying up for days, experiencing rapid speech, and most notably, delusions and paranoia. I would hide when I thought there were people watching me outside, and at one point believed I could fly.

The delusions got worse as the mania increased, but seemingly out of nowhere, the mania would turn into severe depression. I struggled to get out of bed and watched myself fail a test for the first time. These vicious cycles went on uninterrupted for months, causing daily struggles.

I tried to talk to my mom about what was going on, but she told me that I was just lonely and my iron was low. She refused to let me see a therapist and eventually, my school counselor had to step in for me to get any help. 

The summer before my senior year I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for suicidal ideation with plan, means, and intent. After about a one-month stay I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 1 with psychotic features.

I was hospitalized two times again after that, the second time for symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the third time for symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I was assaulted in February of 2023 by my self-defense instructor and it made my BPD and PTSD symptoms significantly worse than they had been in a very long time.

Almost daily I would have horrible nightmares, flashbacks, episodes of dissociation, and blind rage where I would self-harm and damage things in my home. It became very scary and overwhelming for my partner to see me going through something that neither he nor I knew how to control.

More than anything impacted my ability to work as a mental health professional. I had to reduce from full-time to part-time at work which caused even more internal shame. 

These days my Bipolar Disorder is mainly managed through medication which I take daily. I still experience minor episodes of mania and depression but not to the same extreme as without my medication.

My BPD and PTSD symptoms are still a daily struggle, but my weekly sessions with a trauma therapist doing Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Rapid Desensitization (EMDR), and Polyvagal Theory help to keep some of my symptoms in check. I still struggle daily with emotional dysregulation and occasional dissociative symptoms. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Before my diagnosis, these illnesses provided me with nothing but confusion and stigma. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. It was draining to be fighting an illness with no support, and felt defeated for every day was a challenge that felt impossible to win.

I think I did try to hide it in the beginning because I was in denial myself, but eventually, I knew that hiding it was only hurting me. I was rejected by my family when I reached out for support, and that only caused more internal shame. I felt alone and depressed simply knowing that others were not seeing my struggle and not listening to my desperate cries for help.

When I was eventually diagnosed, I had to grieve the life I thought I would have. After each of my diagnoses, I felt as though my life would never be what I always imagined it to be. And in a lot of ways, it wasn’t.

In a lot of ways, it was better. My diagnosis gave my healthcare providers and myself direction for my treatment. In 2022 I was in a place of maintenance with my treatment. 

After being assaulted in February 2023 I felt like a completely different person. My symptoms of PTSD and BPD were completely unmanageable. I felt like a completely different person and had no idea how to go through life.

These struggles were very obvious to my fiancé, but neither of us knew what to do about it. These symptoms I could not hide no matter how badly I wanted to. When I wasn’t working I was self-medicating, and even at work there were many times where I broke down emotionally.

I felt a lot of pressure from myself to hide these symptoms, to pretend as if that event didn’t change me. Even now, I haven’t completely processed it and still feel as though I haven’t gotten myself back. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I think the first time that I noticed things turning around was probably when I went to college. For the first time, I was able to find myself away from the judgment and control of my parents.

I had taken control over aspects of my life that I had, up until that point, felt uncontrollable: my eating, my routine, and exercise, and my social circles. All of which positively impacted my mental health. I would say 70% of circumstances and 30% of actions resulted in the bettering of my mental health.

However, it wasn’t perfect, and I quickly learned that relapse is a part of recovery. During my second semester in college, I was hospitalized again and that stay was another turning point for me.

Each hospitalization taught me something new and reminded me that improving your mental health is a lifelong project. I had a few months period of stability before COVID hit and I had to move back into my parents’ house.

After moving back in with my parents, I learned that living in that toxic environment took a huge toll on my mental health and I decided to move out and into my aunt’s house. This was another time in my life where I had relapsed in my mental health symptoms and it took me months to get to a more stable place. 

After about a year of living with my aunt and desperately trying to salvage my relationship with my parents, I moved to New Hampshire with my then-boyfriend, now fiance’, in 2021.

I really struggled with that transition and my relationship with my parents since moving out was still extremely strained. I once again fell back into unhealthy habits and patterns – self-medicating, isolating, self-harming. It wasn’t until a year after moving to New Hampshire that I felt as though I found my footing.

A combination of medication, time, regular exercise, and intentional efforts in therapy brought me to a place of maintenance with my mental health struggles. My mental health has continued to have ups and downs since then, especially after my assault in February of this year.

It spent several months living in a reactive state after the assault and struggling to get back to a place of good physical and mental health. I am still recovering from that experience and I know that I will throughout the rest of my life have consistent periods of relapse and recovery – but to think that recovery is simple and happens all at once would be naive. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Over the years there have been countless things I have learned from my mental health treatment. One of the biggest things that has continued to help me along my journey with mental health is education.

After being diagnosed with Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD the first thing I would always do is buy a book, watch a video, read an article, etc. Working in the field now and being an advocate online, this is the first thing I always recommend people do after any diagnosis.

It’s hard to help yourself or know what you need without understanding first what beat you’re dealing with. It can be helpful to look at the DSM 5 diagnostic criteria, however, I personally think it’s more helpful to read testimonials and find people online or in your own life with the same diagnosis.

Keep in mind that everyone’s experience with mental illness is different, even if you have the same diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, I loved Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir An Unquiet Mind. That particular author has written a couple of books on the subject and as a psychologist herself shares her story very openly.

To this day, it is my favorite memoir of someone with Bipolar 1. I spent a lot of time watching educational documentaries and first-hand accounts of others with the same diagnosis. It helped me to feel less alone and also to educate myself.

After my BPD diagnosis, I really struggled to understand what BPD was and how it impacted me. The book, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me provided me with the diagnostic criteria, case studies, and tips and tricks for managing my symptoms.

The value in doing this is not only so that you yourself know what you’re dealing with, but also so that you can help others in your life better understand. 

One of the best things I did for my Bipolar Disorder was to track my symptoms and episodes. I used the eMoods app for this. I started doing it after being given the suggestion myself and found that it was invaluably helpful.

Once I began tracking my symptoms in relation to sleep, irritability, mania, depression, whether I took my meds, and whether I had therapy, it helped me see my own cycles.

Not only did it give me an idea of when I would cycle into a depression or mania and how long it would last, but it also was helpful to share with my providers so that they knew what was coming and how they could help me.

I learned that my cycles usually last about a month or so and that not sleeping or taking my meds can be a huge trigger. In the app, I was also able to add notes. I would track my self-harming habits, whether I was menstruating, or if there were any additional psychological stressors going on at the time. 

I also found that having routines did wonders. A consistent sleep and exercise routine kept me on a positive track with my symptoms. Sleep has always been a huge trigger for me – without sleep, I am more likely to enter a manic episode.

Working a job kept me on a stable sleep routine and also gave me a daily routine to adhere to. Exercise has always been something I have struggled with but once I found a way to exercise that was good for me, it was amazing how it lifted my energy and self-confidence.

I have always found that yoga was a great practice for me as it has a mind and body effect to it. Outlets for your daily stressors that can also better your physical health can be an important part of mental wellness.

However, for those who don’t like exercising, having any outlet is helpful. I also like to unleash my creativity through music, art, journaling, and theater. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In the beginning, I held a lot of inner shame and stigma about my diagnosis. I had a hard time talking to those who I knew were not understanding, such as family members.

However, I have always cared about being the change you want to see in the world. After my first hospitalization at 17, I returned to high school late that summer due to being in treatment. It was a tradition at my school to share a presentation about how your summer went and what you did.

I spent most of my summer in a mental hospital recovering from severe depression and mania. I felt very conflicted about sharing this, and for a while, I tried to decide if I would instead create an elaborate lie for my presentation. No one in my school knew, and I wasn’t sure I wanted them to.

After an internal battle for a few weeks, I made the decision to share my hospital experience in the presentation. I realized that the shame and stigma I felt were residue of the stigma that society told me I should be feeling, and I wanted to do better. I focused my entire presentation on my hospital stay, and while I didn’t go into too many details, I was proud of myself for not adding to the shame. 

It was hard in the beginning, and I had experiences where I thought I was safe to share and ended up realizing I wasn’t. There was a girl I met at a pre-college event that I told about my diagnosis and I ended up regretting her response which was shrouded in miseducation.

She told me that she, too, had mood swings and maybe she was Bipolar. It made me feel as though she wasn’t taking it seriously and invalidated the very real symptoms I was experiencing.

Mood swings are a normal part of life that everyone has. Bipolar Disorder is more than mood swings. While I have always cared about advocacy, I also recognized that I am not responsible for educating everyone in the world; I am not the sole spokesperson for the illness, and I wasn’t open with everyone even when I wished I could be.

Later in life I started casually dating a guy who I planned to tell about my diagnosis, but ended up changing my mind when he shared previous negative experiences with someone in his life who also had Bipolar.

I wonder now if it would have been okay, but at the time I was worried that his negative point of view on the illness would have a ripple effect on me. I never told him and didn’t end up seeing him anymore after that. 

As someone who works full-time, it was always a challenge to decide whether I should or shouldn’t share my disorders with my employers and colleagues at work.

So far, I have. The biggest reason is that I have had numerous times in my life where I have had to take time off of work and school in order to focus on my mental health. I am also fortunate to work in the mental health system and have had very understanding and non-judgmental coworkers.

I am always the most worried about sharing my BPD diagnosis since, out of them all, that one tends to have the harshest stigma. At this point, I have not had a boss or coworker who has been unkind about my struggles, and my current boss has been very receptive to my limitations at work.

In these ways, I am very lucky, as I know this is not everyone’s experience. Whether I do or don’t decide to share my disorder with my workplace, I always check the box during hiring that inquires about disabilities, as mental health disorders such as Bipolar and BPD are considered such.  

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Something that I wish I had known earlier in my mental health journey is that my mental illness does not need to define me. Looking back, I see now that while I was processing and educating myself on my Bipolar diagnosis, I overidentified with the label.

I let it become too much of me and who I thought I was. While this is controversial in the mental health world and everyone has their own preferences, I stopped using the phrase “I am Bipolar/BPD” and instead I say, “I have…” I did this when I noticed how overidentifying with my diagnosis was hindering rather than helping me.

No one would say you are PTSD or you are Cancer. It helped me remember that my mental illnesses are a part of me, not who I am. I am so much more than what label I have been given. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• An Unquiet Mind – Kay Redfield Jamison: Helped me to understand my disorder, see that I am not alone, and showed me that having a mental illness makes me even better equipped to be a mental health professional. 
• I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality – Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus: Provided me with an education and understanding of what BPD is, how it develops, and how I can cope with it. This is also a book I would recommend to anyone who has a loved one with this disorder. After I read it, I asked my fiance to do so as well. 
• The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk: While this book should have been updated since its release, it is still a cult classic in understanding PTSD and BPD. It is very written in a very digestible format and I always recommend it to my clients with PTSD. It helped me to understand how PTSD impacts me and treatments that can help, such as EMDR. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on Instagram @havingbipolar. There you will find access to the podcasts I have spoken on and my own self-help book I wrote about a year ago designed for those with Bipolar Disorder. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Finding My Way Through Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD With Therapy and Medication appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, my name is Andy Johnson and I was born in Seoul, South Korea, and adopted to two wonderful parents in northeast Wisconsin with a younger sister also adopted from South Korea. I moved around a lot in WI, but still call the area home as I currently live and work in the Green Bay, WI area.

I am employed as a mental health therapist owning my own business (private practice) and this would not have happened if my story did not unfold the way it did. So much of what I have learned through my pursuit of happiness and self-actualization came about because of my story.

I have been married for almost 9 years to my rock and cheerleader, Amanda. She has been with me through thick and thin and has helped me become the person I am today. We have been together for almost 9 years. While we do not have any children, we do have two dogs and two cats, our fur babies. 

While I have been quite unhappy several years ago, I have grown quite fond of life and consider myself to be a happy and positive person most of the time. 

I still have my struggles, but with a combination of medication and my own therapist, I believe I have found happiness and satisfaction in my life. 

I still am in pursuit of knowledge that will help me and my clients succeed in life, while also balancing non-vocational happiness and developing myself outside of work.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

In May 2007, I felt I was on top of the world. I just decided in January that I was sick of living a sedentary lifestyle and wanted to train for a race. I had my dream set on a half-marathon and in May 2007, I successfully completed a local half-marathon in just over 2 hours, which was a fantastic start for me. 

I set out to train for another race, a 10K race, just a few days after that. In the process of training for that, I would never have imagined at that time that the course of my life would forever be altered. 

On May 31, 2007, I went on a routine training run of 5-6 miles when I was struck from behind by a speeding pickup truck. It hit me from behind and literally knocked me out of my shoes. I used to have flashbacks of someone screaming for help. It turns out this was the driver of the truck who thankfully had stopped and had to tackle me and hold me down to keep me from moving as I was in shock and started getting up trying to run away.  

I skidded on my face and tore ligaments in my knee and shoulder. Other injuries include several broken bones in my pelvis and my skull had a fracture from my hairline to the top of my head. It took several stitches to close up a head wound. I sustained a contrecoup head injury.

I was in the hospital for several weeks with several months in a wheelchair and learning how to walk and perform simple concepts such as reading, writing, and math skills. 

The contrecoup head injury came with several symptoms right away. The first that I noticed was depression. I wanted to die. I remember telling one of the nurses that I felt horribly sad and depressed. They talked with me and then with the team, but I was not prescribed any meds for depression or given any counseling. I felt numerous issues that I could not name but now some of the ones that stick out the most are:

• Impulsivity.
• Poor Judgement.
• Lapses and Gaps in Memory.
• Concentration Issues.
• Changes in Behavior and Personality.
• Problem-Solving Difficulties.
• Difficulty Differentiating Right From Left.
• Changes in Emotional Behavior/Regulation.

In addition, I also had severe headaches, photosensitivity, and amnesia, and was quite nauseous most of the time. These impacted me quite severely most of the time, especially in the 3-4 years following the traumatic brain injury (TBI). I also required multiple surgeries on my right knee to repair a ligament that kept tearing and one on my shoulder to anchor it in place.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I got the sense that other people knew I was struggling, but did not know how to interact with me due to my volatile mood and behavior. I could be totally fine one moment and then be a raging jerk the next. I lost many friends due to the aftermath of the TBI. In turn, the lack of social awareness, the impact of the TBI on my social life, and seeing myself hurting others while knowing this was not my normal personality hit me hard. 

To others on the outside who did not know me well or were unfamiliar with neurobiology, I looked “fine” but was anything but fine. I would get comments from others such as, “You look fine. Grow up and act like an adult…” or “Stop crying like a baby and get over it.” As much as I tried to hide the facts, I was truly trapped as a prisoner in my own body.

I wanted to die and asked God several times to give me the courage to end myself. I was so unhappy and felt so unloved during this period of time it was hard to survive. 

There were days it was difficult for me to get out of bed and go to class in college because I felt so depressed and worthless. 

At one point, I got upset and made a comment to someone about how I just wanted the pain to end. This led to me being hospitalized in the ICU of a psych unit for a day. Thankfully, due to the love of my parents who came and spent the day with me, the doctor allowed me to leave into their care. 

My Sensei/Karate Master noticed that I was suffering and helped me cope through the use of a Japanese healing art known as Reiki.

This healing provided some respite during my worst times and helped me begin the path to healing and recovery. My brief stay in a psych hospital also led to me being prescribed meds for depression and epilepsy, thus beginning my psychiatric care.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

A truly pivotal moment came when my Introduction to Psychology professor came to me and asked me to take a course or two in the psychology discipline and see if the field was for me. I absolutely loved my Social Psychology course and felt like for the first time in a long time I belonged to something greater than myself. 

I did not miss a semester of school after my accident and went on to get not just one, but two undergraduate degrees (Music – Saxophone and Applied Studies and Psychology) from the University of Wisconsin – Green Bay and a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Psychology from the University of Wisconsin – Madison.

I also came in contact with Dr. Steven Kaplan, a rehabilitation psychologist in the northeast WI area who helped me over 3 years recover from my accident emotionally and socially.

He helped me see that I indeed had worth and value and would not let me quit on myself. He was instrumental in my recovery and helped me learn how to forgive, not just myself for the things I had said and done to others, but also to be able to forgive the person who struck me. 

Dr. Kaplan diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder II based on the frequent ups and downs of my mood, but not in a normal fashion. My type of Bipolar Disorder was rapidly cyclical and I could experience highs and lows quickly vacillating over time rather than long spurts of the cycles. Knowing this opened my eyes and the eyes of future therapists and psychiatrists to how best to help me.

It took 3 years for me to be able to find some level of closure around the accident and this was 95% about the circumstances around me, mostly my faith which I had to wrestle with, and 5% of the actions I took. I am so thankful for my faith and the people God put in my life to help me through this event.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The first step I took in working through my mental illness was to forgive myself for what I had left undone and what I had done to others during my recovery that hurt them.

I also learned that forgiveness is not just for others, it is more for one’s own peace of mind and closure. I took the opportunity to meet with the person who hit me with their truck in the summer of 2010 right before I graduated and told them personally that I forgave them. It was an emotional experience for both of us. 

Second, I had to realize that I needed to take my time healing both physically and mentally as I still have challenges that are subtle, but noticeable if one spends any length of time around me. I was used to going all out on exercise and martial arts when I had recently gotten approval from physical therapy to go back to normal routines or sooner if I felt the urge to do so, only to further cause injury. 

I also later knew that I needed to recover emotionally and not overextend myself by either retreating too often or being in the presence of others too much to the point where I am too under or overstimulated.

I learned that by balancing my social interaction with others, I can still maintain healthy relationships, while not overexerting myself to the point where I become difficult to deal with due to emotional outbursts or hypervigilance/being on edge. 

Another thing that really helped me cope is finding some sort of spiritual outlet for myself. I went through a period of time where I hated God and wanted nothing to do with my Christian faith or upbringing; however, my wife and her congregation helped me develop a faith life where I was able to start rebuilding a relationship with God. I now attend to both spiritual and mental perspectives of my health more than I have in the past.

I also learned that there is absolutely NO shame in talking to a therapist or taking medications. Therapists such as myself can help with navigating emotion regulation, building on mindfulness practices, or assisting in prompts for journaling difficult situations and emotions. 

Personally, I used my therapist initially as a sounding board and then as a more goal-oriented source of support and guidance as situations came up. I now see using a therapist like brushing your teeth. It is good to get a good “mental cleaning” on a regular basis. 

On that note, I also see no harm in being prescribed medications as needed by a doctor or nurse practitioner. It took several years and the right person to talk with to get a good rapport with the prescriber and also to figure out what the correct combination of meds for me would be. We have been successful after several other trials to come up with the right dosage and meds to be of optimal support to me. 

Of course, I still need to do my part by eating right and getting a good night’s sleep, as well as working on recreational activities that take me out of work mode and allow me to fully enjoy my life.   

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

It took a while for me to feel comfortable sharing my story with others; however, I am now very comfortable sharing my struggle with others. I can now comfortably share with anyone interested in hearing a story of recovery and perseverance. 

I have the most difficult time sharing my story with skeptics of mental health recovery or those who believe that once mentally ill, always mentally ill, but thankfully that stigma is starting to go away. It was difficult for me to share my struggles with my past job as I was in a high-level position that required finesse and a great deal of critical thinking and wit, things I struggle with. 

I did leave that job and am now proudly in the operation of my own counseling practice. I took this leap of faith in order to follow my passion for helping others and using my lived experience to serve my community and others currently living with mental illness or mental health struggles. 

I am proof that people with mental illness can contribute great things to society and I intend to keep following that passion for years to come. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Aside from the standard “You’re not alone” message, I want others to grasp their highest potential. We all have struggles in one form or another. 

By negotiating with them, we can reach higher levels of self-actualization, thus becoming happier and more content with ourselves intrinsically rather than looking to others for our self-worth and value. Our pains and struggles in life lead us to develop what is called neuroplasticity, where the brain forms whole new neural pathways to help us improve our life situations and build positive coping skills that can last a lifetime. 

For far too long, I looked to others for my personal and professional identity. Now, I realize that this must come from within. 

I would also highly recommend engaging in fun activities. If you as a person going through mental health struggles finds it hard to do things that were once fun, acting the opposite of how you feel can be helpful to start to resume your normal activities with the zest for life you once had. 

Journaling your feelings and what led you to different thoughts can also be helpful in sorting out the things going on in your head from a mental health perspective. As stated above, seeing a therapist can be great for working through this.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor taught me about living with a traumatic brain injury such as a stroke and how to rise above some of what others might call “deficits” and turn them into strengths. 
• Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability taught me about the strengths of being vulnerable with yourself and sharing this with others. It also pertains well to being a strong and empathic leader.
• The 5 Reiki Principles have been a core to my beliefs about life and doing well for the world.
• Lastly, but definitely not by far the least is The Bible. This manuscript and the teachings of Christianity have been the cornerstone of who I am and what I aspire to live my life as. 
• The Imposter Cure by Dr. Jessamy Hibberd helped give me the confidence I needed to believe in myself and be able to rise above my past state in life and believe that I too deserve happiness and enjoyment in life.
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson taught me that I only have so much time and energy to devote to things going on around me that I need to pick and choose what to care about the most. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me at:

• Facebook where I will post content about who I am and the interests that I follow.
• My professional therapist profile on Psychology Today, which is an introduction to clients who are interested in working with me as a mental health professional who chooses not to work with insurance for a number of reasons.
• My professional website, where anyone can go to search for general information about my private practice.  

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Overcame a Road Accident That Resulted in Depression and Suicidal Ideation appeared first on Tracking Happiness.