Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources

Hello! Who are you?

Hello! My name is Natalia Nieves. I live in my hometown Palm Bay, FL, I grew up in Cocoa, FL. I graduated from high school in May 2023. Graduating from high school was my greatest achievement.

Right now I am doing a gap year, taking a break from education until I know exactly where I want to be. I am single, I wanna work on myself before I get into a relationship. My passions are writing, marine life, mental health, and self-care. 

Throughout the years, I have been discovering new things about myself through my mental health journey. I have always been the kind of child with a good heart. I grew up with my mom, who is my number one role model, and two younger siblings.

My childhood without my father was a struggle for me, I was four years old when I left my father. I didn’t understand the horrible things that he did and how he was emotionally and medically neglectful and what he did wasn’t okay. 

I have never been this happy in a long time. 2023 has shown me how “time heals everything”- Luke Combs. Every day I learn more about myself, my past experiences made me who I am today. 

This is something that took me a long time to realize that I am worthy. I am proud to see how things that we go through are lessons and guidance. Seeing how they are tests that challenge us to decide whether or not we choose to take the path towards something good.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I experienced childhood sexual abuse in March 2019 (which was a one-time occurrence) when I was still in middle school and then in May 2021, I developed PTSD from that experience.

In May 2019, I started to suffer from depression that had nothing to do with the abuse. I remember the day when my depression was developing, I was sitting in my classroom and just didn’t care what was happening around me.

As my Sophomore year was coming to an end, I started to develop constant flashbacks, nightmares about the event, and severe anxiety causing shortness of breath, uncontrolled tremors, hypervigilance, and anxiety attacks from the traumatic event.

What was scary was my pulse would race and chest tightened when anxiety attacks would constantly come from post-traumatic stress. Along with PTSD, I suffered with trauma bond for two years.

In 2020, I started to suffer with social anxiety disorder after returning to school from the pandemic. Feeling isolated and losing confidence in myself made it really difficult for me to make new friends.

I was all alone wanting to hide by the wall. My closest friends didn’t return to school after covid-19, I was lonely and so anxious that I would cover my face with my hair. I was bullied in middle school which went on for a few years. 

In 2021, I also developed generalized anxiety disorder when my PTSD was beginning to show symptoms, and weeks later I decided to tell my story to a high school counselor, which felt like one of the most terrifying moments of my life

I then got help recently after speaking out about the sexual abuse from seeing a counselor on a weekly basis. I was vulnerable as I opened up about my experiences, being educated on why I was feeling ashamed, guilty, and betrayed by my perpetrator and learning how to not let it control me.

I found out from my most recent counselor that I have an anxious preoccupied attachment that I feel like I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember.

I get attached to others easily and fear rejection and abandonment, I am afraid of being hurt and betrayed by anyone new that comes into my life. I still struggle with trust issues from my past experiences, I fear that whoever I let in will let me down.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

After the abuse happened, I didn’t realize or understand it was abuse. So instead, I felt like I bonded with my perpetrator and decided to get in contact.

We would text each other through Facebook Messenger and I craved the attention that my abuser gave me, there were highs and lows at times as most messages involved emotional abuse, but there were also conversations that were comforting. 

When we lost touch, I showed signs of depression. When I developed depression, it was like my heart was shattered into pieces. I lost the kind of relationship that I thought I had and felt like I did something wrong. 

When I realized that I experienced sexual abuse as a teenager, I didn’t know what to do. I started having vivid flashbacks from the event that made me feel afraid to tell anyone.

I feared telling the truth to someone, but I had to get it out when I didn’t know what else to do. I craved the cycle of abuse from the trauma bond I was psychologically trapped in and feared what would happen to my abuser if I told the whole story to someone.

When I shared my trauma from the beginning to the end of everything I remember, the school counselor I trusted believed me and got me the help I needed to heal. 

It felt like my blood ran cold when the truth came out and then my mom found out about it from someone else and I confessed the truth to her.

This experience caused me to feel guilty, ashamed, hypervigilant, and blame myself. I thought to myself, “I have feelings for this person.” “Why would this person do this?” “What did I do to deserve it?” 

These thoughts stuck with me for two years until I now realize that my experience can’t define me and I deserve better.

In 2020, when quarantine began, I felt so isolated and disconnected from the world. Months later, when the school opened again, I developed social anxiety disorder (SAD). 

I started to feel a lack of confidence in my appearance and I couldn’t look people in the eyes or have a conversation without anxiety creeping in. It was my sophomore year, and my mental state impacted my education. I was afraid and embarrassed to ask for extra help with my school work, work in small class groups, communicate, and connect with others in class.

When my post-traumatic stress (PTS) started to develop, I felt something that I’d never felt before in my life. I started having vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks that were constantly bringing back the trauma.

I wanted to say something to someone, but I was afraid of what would happen to my abuser. I decided that I would try to receive closure from my abuser before I took a big step toward healing. 

Then on the week of my abuser’s birthday in August 2021, it got to the point where I had to get the truth out to someone. During the summer of 2021, I started to talk about my experience with a good friend and still didn’t want anyone to know who abused me.

When my mom first suspected something and asked me if someone had touched me, I denied it. She could tell that I lied and tried to cover up the story.

My trauma bond made me feel like I had no control over my feelings towards my perpetrator and I did anything to not cause trouble and do anything for that person. 

My mom would do anything to protect me and my siblings and that was the part that terrified me. The addiction I had to post-traumatic stress was like there was no escape, I was emotionally trapped with my heart constantly being punched.

Then, my mom found out the truth from someone else by receiving a phone call and I had a feeling in my gut that she received horrific news. This was on the same day when I told my entire trauma experience to my high school counselor, which was a frightening occurrence that I carried.

My mom was on the phone being secretive of who was on the phone and I knew who it was. I was just as terrified as opening up to the officer who got involved. She talked to me in my room alone with furious behavior.

I was then getting help to work towards my healing journey. I was vulnerable and open to work on recovering from my mental illnesses, I wanted to not feel what I was feeling anymore.

I learned trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy to guide me by learning about the experience. I learned to let go and move forward with time. It was a lot of hell that I kept pushing through and I am proud to be where I am today.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

In June 2022, I decided to get on medication for my anxiety and social anxiety disorder. I have always been big on self-care when my mental health hits rock bottom. 

Being on medication after a few weeks showed a difference in my thinking with social situations. I started to see that I shouldn’t care what people think, I am a loyal and caring person, and I can find people who accept me after two years of insecurity.

This doesn’t mean that I am considering that others should get on medication to overcome a mental disorder, I never depended on it for my PTSD. We all have our own ways of healing.

As my post-traumatic stress showed unexpectedly, I never turned to substances as a coping mechanism. Instead, I needed to get it out by writing about the experience or telling someone about it. 

In October 2021, I remember myself thinking how I didn’t wanna keep living in pain and fear, I then was in counseling for the first time after I opened up about my sexual abuse.

I received a great education and healthy coping mechanisms to help me get through the dark times.

As months and then two years have gone, I kept educating myself to find answers. Today, I have healed from this tragedy by giving it my best to prioritize my healing journey with time.

With the support I got and educating myself, I feel relief that I am seeing change in my personal journey. 

When I was depressed for a year, I didn’t think I would realize that I needed to let go and realize that it was an experience that was temporary. 

This was something I never felt. I then learned that change is what challenges us. I know that I wouldn’t change my experiences that have led me to a positive change.

I am still learning how to live a better life by rebuilding relationships and learning to make new ones. I want to improve my self-awareness and rebuild my self-confidence.

With me knowing that I struggle with anxious attachment, I can dig deep into navigating how to heal and become a better version of myself.

I feel so proud of who I’ve become, I’m so grateful for my support system, even my mom. She has always been by my side and did whatever she could to support me.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started researching my symptoms of depression, wondering why I was filled with emptiness inside, and why I had dreams about someone that I thought cared for me.

I would listen to YouTube videos and go into therapy to help me understand why I was taken advantage of and how I can overcome this battle.

Journaling has been my best friend, I get my thoughts out by writing what I’m feeling. 

I found that digging into my trauma by writing down questions to ask myself about the experience. This helped me get a better understanding of my emotions.

What really helped me with my anxiety and depression was talking to my school counselors and my amazing friend who supported me. 

I talked to people I trust to get my thoughts out when they hit rock bottom. I learned to make myself a priority by doing simple tasks at home like chores to not dwell on my depression.

I can’t recall a lot of when I was depressed, I just remember the time it started and when there were darker times.

If I would go back to talk to my younger self, I would tell her not to blame herself. These feelings are temporary and you are growing every day.

For my severe generalized anxiety, I would make myself a priority. I stick to self-care routines that have helped me. 

For my routine, journal when thoughts get to me, I have an exercise routine, and I eat healthy. I feel like this routine has made a positive impact on my well-being along with counseling.

My social anxiety was improved by medication for the most part. I used to feel so insecure I couldn’t talk to people without choking.

It also started to make me feel in a low mood, almost like I was depressed but without wanting to cry.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

When I was back in school in 2020, I was at home sitting in the living room, and one of my best friends, who is like a big brother to me, had me open up to him about my depression I remember him saying how he can relate to what I was feeling.

I was relieved to express what I was holding in for a while. We were in high school together for a few years and our friendship is still a close bond.

I trust him when I need support in any situation. He is empathetic and compassionate.

For my post-traumatic stress, I decided to talk about my symptoms with the same friend.

I was afraid of mentioning my abuser because if my mom found out, she would go into full protective mode. During this time, I had feelings towards my perpetrator like I cared deeply for the abuser, feeling stuck in a trauma bond.

My friend has been supportive and trustworthy to me. I told him that two years ago, I started to realize that I was touched inappropriately by someone and I get vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks.

I also talked to my uncle about the situation in the same way as I talked to my friend by not giving too much detail. I then told my junior history teacher that I was abused and that year was very emotionally hard for me. 

My history teacher supported me when I needed to vent. It was so terrifying to talk about the fact that I was molested. I went for weeks without telling my friend or uncle who my perpetrator was. I just wanted the nightmares and flashbacks to end.

I was not comfortable talking to my mom about my mental health journey when it took a toll, she would come at me with tough love, like I’m not supposed to feel this way.

She once said that I can’t keep thinking this way with a hard tone because she doesn’t want to see me hurting inside. I would talk to my aunt, who is like my second mom. 

She listens and knows what advice to give when I am struggling. I am overall grateful that I got the support and help I deserved to help me grow. I am vulnerable and I have been since I was a kid.

I was raised to be open and honest about my health and emotional state. My mom would always be asking how I was feeling due to my medical history.

I was angry and would lash out when I had to leave my father so young. I was at the age where I didn’t understand the reasons. My mom would always be by my side trying to be strong for me when my medical complications were bad.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I want others to know that this won’t last forever. You have to fight and give it your all, don’t give up. Time is everything.

Today, I can look back on my journey and that it was worth it. It made me who I am today. I am stronger and aware that the world isn’t perfect. 

What we go through is a challenge for us to decide whether to give it all or nothing. If I were to talk to my younger self, I would say “You are not to blame and I am so proud of how far you’ve come. You can’t be so hard on yourself.” 

This mental health journey has made me discover good outcomes in my life. I can see 14-year-old Natalia wasn’t aware of her surroundings because she never should have faced tragedies that no kid deserves. 

She never saw this kind of behavior before and liked the attention that was given. I wish I could have realized I am not less than I am enough. Go easy on yourself and take it one day at a time.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Ted Talks became inspiring to me. This was helpful to me because people came to talk about their own experiences and share advice for those who could relate

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Overcoming Trauma and Depression With Therapy, Journaling and Self-Care appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Aloha! I’m Mona Kirstein, Ph.D, and I wear many hats in my life—serial entrepreneur, holistic coach & consultant, and advocate for conscious living. I live on the beautiful island of Oahu in Hawaii, where the natural surroundings serve as a constant source of inspiration for me. 

I share my life with my loving husband, and together we find peace and purpose in the simple joys of this journey called life. I’m passionate about nature, engaging in deep soulful conversations, traveling to new places, and the never-ending journey of learning. 

Currently, in my early forties, I find myself in a phase of life where I am genuinely happier than I’ve ever been. Years of self-work and embracing my true self have led me to a space where I feel not just comfortable but proud of the life I’ve created.

Empowered by my own transformative journey, I’ve dedicated my life to guiding ambitious women toward embracing and expressing their authentic selves—a gift I believe is the most precious offering we can make to ourselves and the world.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

Life hasn’t always been this fulfilling. For decades, I lived under the shadow of Narcissistic Parental Abuse, a struggle that profoundly affected my emotional well-being. The symptoms were subtle but deeply damaging: emotional manipulation, lack of genuine affection, and constant undermining of my self-worth. 

He would dismiss my emotions, like calling me “too dramatic” or “oversensitive” if I cried. 

When I made a wrong facial expression, he’d accuse me of disrespecting him and take away privileges. He constantly twisted reality and made up stories about things I’d supposedly done wrong, grounding me for infractions that never happened. 

He crafted fictitious stories about my behavior to justify punishing me for things I never did. If I objected, it confirmed to him I was lying and disrespectful. He wove complex false narratives that made me constantly defend myself against things I never did.

I started distrusting my own memory and perception.

Even later in life, I’d share successes and he’d react with envy and disdain. Imagine telling your dad you’ve been offered a spot in a Ph.D. program, and he says, “That’s just a sign you’re too lazy to get a real job.” Yeah, that happened. 

This struggle wasn’t confined to my childhood; it persisted well into my adult life, affecting my relationships, my career, and my sense of self. 

It wasn’t a phase or a temporary challenge; it was a relentless companion that cast a shadow over multiple aspects of my life.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my lowest, the struggle with the internalized voice of narcissistic abuse felt like an insidious cloud that hung over every aspect of my life. I was carrying an invisible weight that made even the simplest tasks feel like climbing a mountain. 

Instead of specific moments standing out, it was more like a constant undercurrent of feeling rejected, worthless, and too flawed to be around others. 

This struggle severely impacted my happiness, creating a barrier that prevented me from fully enjoying my successes and relationships. I got really good at putting on a brave face, but inside, I was a mess.

The hidden struggle of codependency

I struggled with codependency for years without realizing it. I had this deep inner belief that I was unlovable unless I pleased others and earned their approval. This led me to make poor choices—ignoring red flags, minimizing abuse, and clinging to harmful people.

I remember moments of feeling completely hopeless like I had no identity outside of my dysfunctional relationships. At my lowest, I numbed feelings with unhealthy habits. With support and inner work, I’ve realized my worth comes from within. Now I know approving of myself is what matters most.

Behind the mask of success

Externally, I was achieving milestones in my career and personal life, but internally, I was in turmoil. I became adept at hiding this struggle, wearing a mask of composure and success. To the outside world, it seemed like I had it all together, but inside, I was fighting a battle that very few knew about. This duality made the struggle even more isolating.

Truth silenced, reality distorted

One of the most insidious aspects of narcissistic abuse is the suppression of truth. Narcissists often create a distorted reality to maintain their sense of control and superiority. 

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I have an innate ability to perceive and question things. This often put me at odds with my narcissistic father, who would go to great lengths to silence my truths because they threatened his constructed reality. This dynamic not only made me question my own perceptions but also instilled a deep-rooted fear of speaking my truth.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

After years of feeling weighed down by an invisible burden and struggling with codependency, the turning point in my journey came when I began to consciously challenge the internalized voice that had been undermining me for so long. 

I started working with professionals who helped me identify and reshape these negative thought patterns. The moment I remember feeling a change for the better was when I could look at my accomplishments and genuinely feel pride, rather than dismissing them as flukes or attributing them to external factors.

Conscious choices, lasting change

When it comes to the change in my life, it’s all on me—100%. I didn’t just luck into a supportive environment or find the right therapist by chance; I made those things happen for myself. Every healthy habit I started, every professional I worked with, every support network I built, and every moment I spent reflecting were all intentional choices. 

Journey to empowerment

This journey took years, maybe even decades, but each step I took was a conscious effort to heal and improve myself. And let me tell you, the sense of empowerment that comes from knowing you’ve turned your own life around? That’s incredibly rewarding and feels pretty amazing.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

The final turning point for me was finally putting a name to what I had been experiencing: narcissistic abuse. Understanding this was like flipping a switch. I worked with a psychospiritual therapist who specialized in this area.

She helped me identify the internalized voices that were holding me back. For instance, we did exercises where I journaled conversations between my “inner critic” and my “inner advocate,” which was eye-opening.

Journaling as a mirror to the soul

One strategy that helped me immensely was journaling to identify my inner critic voices. I would write out conversations between my “inner critic” and my “inner wise mind”, paying attention to repetitive phrases like “you’re too sensitive” or “you don’t deserve success”. I then learned to cultivate my inner wise mind to reframe those criticisms.

For example, when the voice said “You’re too sensitive,” my wise mind would respond “I have the gift of perceptiveness.” Reframing these inner narratives was so empowering. I also found spiritual practices like mindfulness, meditation, and yoga invaluable. The combination of inner work and outer practices allowed me to get centered and tap into my inner wisdom.

Trusting your inner compass

Another huge step was embracing my intuition and inner wisdom. I explored various healing modalities and spiritual practices. These choices were guided by my inner voice, which I learned to trust more and more. This approach helped me understand my triggers and how my nervous system responds, giving me tools to cope better.

The healing power of acknowledgment

I think giving a voice to all the internalized voices, even the ones that seemed “bad,” was transformative. We can only heal what we bring to the surface. I started actively listening to these voices, understanding their origins, and working on reframing them. This was a big part of my therapy sessions and healing journey, and it’s something I’d highly recommend to anyone going through a similar struggle.

Breaking free from suppressed truths

Another transformative realization was understanding the power dynamics at play, especially the suppression of truth inherent in narcissistic abuse. I saw this pattern not just in my family but in other relationships and even in broader societal contexts. 

The tendency to attack the messenger instead of facing uncomfortable truths is something I’ve had to navigate carefully. Through my healing journey, I’ve learned to detach from the reactions of others and live in integrity with my own truth. This has been both liberating and empowering, allowing me to speak out without the crippling fear of rejection or ridicule.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Sharing my struggles has been a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, I’ve always been open about what I’m going through, but the feedback hasn’t always been constructive. In unhealthy relationships, the advice I received was often misguided and even harmful. 

Phrases like “just have compassion for him,” or “love is the answer,” sound good on the surface, but they can be incredibly damaging when dealing with narcissistic abuse. I remember listening to a podcast “It’s Me, Dr. Z.”, where she shared a story that really resonated with me. People would say, “But it’s your father, and he’s old now,” and she’d reply, “But it was me, and I was 5!” That hit home for me and reinforced the idea that stepping away can sometimes be the most healing action to take.

Letting go for a healthier tomorrow

There were also people in my life who felt threatened by my growth. As I started to get stronger, it seemed to challenge the illusions they had built up for themselves. Realizing this was both painful and liberating. I had to make the difficult decision to let go of certain friendships, but doing so opened up space for healthier, more genuine connections.

Opening up about mental health struggles is never easy, especially when the people you expect to be your support system turn out to be part of the problem. But the journey, as tough as it has been, has also been empowering. It’s helped me sift through my relationships and keep only those that are truly beneficial for my well-being.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

If I could offer a single piece of advice to someone else facing similar struggles, it would be this: Own your truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Your journey to healing is about you, not them. Don’t dim your light for anyone. Trust yourself and your intuition, and don’t hesitate to seek specialized help.

I wish I had known earlier the importance of putting a name to my struggle and seeking help from professionals who specialize in this area. Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and how it affected me was like turning on a light in a dark room. It gave me the clarity I needed to start the healing process.

Another thing I wish I had known is that it’s okay to step away from relationships that are harmful, even if society or well-meaning individuals tell you otherwise. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to create distance and establish boundaries.

It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of self-respect and self-love. And remember, you’re not alone. There are communities and professionals out there who understand what you’re going through and can offer invaluable support.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Over the years, I’ve dived into lots of books and talked with experts to better understand the connection between body, mind, and soul. This approach has been a big part of my healing journey.

While it’s hard to pick just one book that changed everything for me, some have really stood out. One of those is ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel van der Kolk. This book led me to explore body-based therapies and underlined what I already knew: healing has to be viewed holistically.

In addition to that, I’ve been deeply influenced by exploring the concept of the Higher Self and our spiritual connection to the universe. These works have opened me up to trusting my intuition and inner wisdom, which has been a cornerstone in my healing journey.

One of the most impactful resources has been my work with Julie Clark, a psycho-spiritual coach. Her approach combines psychology and spirituality, and she specializes in narcissistic abuse.

Working with her has been like finding a guide who speaks my language, helping me navigate the complexities of my struggle, and offering invaluable insights and tools for healing.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

If you’re interested in diving deeper into my philosophy and approach to holistic well-being, I invite you to visit my website, The Wholehearted Path.

There you’ll find a range of resources, from personalized holistic coaching and consulting services to articles on conscious living, emotional well-being, and entrepreneurship.

I also offer expert guidance in various essential aspects of life, such as healthy lifestyle choices, relationships and communication, mindset development, and spiritual growth.

You can also find me on Facebook and Pinterest.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

One question that could add depth to this interview is about the role of spirituality in mental health and well-being. I believe that our struggles are not just psychological but also spiritual in nature.

For me, embracing spirituality was a significant part of my healing journey. It helped me understand the interconnectedness of mind, body, and soul, and how each aspect contributes to our overall well-being.

I also want to point out the importance of finding the right kind of help. Not all therapists or coaches are equipped to deal with specific issues like narcissistic abuse. It’s crucial to find someone who specializes in your area of struggle, as this can make a significant difference in the speed and quality of your recovery.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Realized That I Experienced Narcissistic Abuse and My Journey of Healing appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello! My Name is Alana, I am 30 years old and I live in the Buffalo Region of New York State (Go Bills!). I have two daughters; one biological, age 9, and one step, age 19. They are absolutely the lights of my life and make me laugh on a daily basis. Along with the girls, I live with my fiance, our two cats, Douglas and Mo, and our old pup, Hank. 

Currently, I do seasonal crew work and bartend at a large outdoor venue where we host everything from graduations and dance recitals to operas and rock concerts. It’s definitely a “come as you are” kind of place which is something I really appreciate since I don’t have to wear that “mask” and I can be my authentic self while I’m there. 

In the off-season, I am a Sociology student, aiming to become proficient in family dynamics and criminology. It’s become a passion of mine, as I was a child in the juvenile justice system due to the struggles stemming from my home life. I hope to one day help children and families in the ways me and mine weren’t. I also make and sell some handmade crafts like jewelry, resin crafts, and other various forms of artwork.

Both school and crafting have become very therapeutic in my healing process as they’ve offered me a ton of validation and hope. Hey, I’m not crazy after all! 

In terms of happiness, I’d consider myself “happy,” absolutely. I have exactly what I’ve always wanted. But I often have to remind myself that I am. I know it sounds a little weird, but I got so used to viewing the world from a negative perspective as a survival mechanism that my inner-critic became the only thing I listened to for a long time. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was officially diagnosed with ADHD in the summer of 2020 and later diagnosed with C-PTSD in 2023. Learning more about them, they overlap each other tremendously, so oftentimes I’m not sure if it’s ADHD or C-PTSD that’s the culprit whenever I’m experiencing symptoms.

There’s a sneaking suspicion that the C-PTSD is at play most of the time. Some of my symptoms include anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, forgetfulness, restlessness, sleep irregularities, emotional regulation issues, irritability, social difficulties, hyperfocus, and inability to focus. The list goes on… 

Symptoms started as early as I can remember. I had a pretty traumatic childhood; my father was physically abusive to both myself and my mother and it was normalized throughout my father’s family so there was no getting away from it until my mother decided to leave.

It wasn’t a once-in-a-while thing either. Fights were frequent and so was moving; I went to 6 different elementary schools by the time I hit the 2nd grade. Once she did leave when I was 7, she resented my father so much that I became the scapegoat.

Unfortunately, she also came from an emotionally abusive household; my grandmother more than likely has Borderline Personality Disorder and my grandfather enabled the abuse. She wasn’t able to provide the emotional care I needed because my grandparents never modeled it. That’s been a tough thing to come to terms with because it’s still an ongoing struggle. 

I started feeling anxious early on; stomach aches, headaches, an immense fear of the dark, and I was usually punished for all of that instead of tended to, or told to suck it up. As I was so often the new student, I was also an easy target for bullying. I had a love/hate relationship with the school. I loved to learn new things, and still do!

I won awards for my academics, maintained honors, and really took pride in my work. But, I left school every day in tears because I didn’t want to go back, the anxiety was paralyzing. I loved the learning aspect of school and what little validation I got from my teachers, but when it came to my peers, I couldn’t stand being the scapegoat there, too.  

It wasn’t all terrible, but when she flipped, I was punished which consisted of beatings, hours-long beratings, and such frequent groundings that it’s still a sad joke between me and some of my old friends.

I was labeled a “bad kid” by my family because of some of my behaviors like excessive crying, inability to sleep, and constant racing thoughts that I had to get out of my head, which made me an annoying kid, so my mom put me in counseling in an attempt to find out what was wrong with me.

Every child therapist I saw said that I was “an exceptional child” and that I would eventually grow out of whatever was ailing me. But I hid a lot of things for years because I didn’t want to get in trouble or hurt anyone’s feelings–including the self-harm that started at age 11. Eventually, she took me out of therapy and did the best she could. 

Over time, the unchecked trauma has manifested itself physically. It’s difficult some days to function. I deal with migraines, chronic pain, and fatigue. I’m actually currently in the process of trying to rule out (or in) Fibromyalgia.

I have pretty frequent brain fog so it’s hard to initiate and stay on task, and I often feel a sense of shame, like I’m a failure or “not enough,” and that leads to a lot of physical sensations; overwhelming dread, heaviness, heart palpitations, etc. I am always trying to stay cognizant of my emotions–always checking in on myself to breadcrumb flashbacks or the physical sensations that come up for seemingly no reason.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

At my worst moments, I was suicidal. I’ve gone through a few pretty bad bouts of depression where it’s difficult to do everyday things like shower, brush my teeth, or even change my clothes. The few bouts that stand out to me, of what I can remember, I hadn’t yet had a “plan,” but I most definitely wanted to die.

During these bouts, self-harm was at an all-time high. I would either cut myself or not take care of myself purposely because I felt like there was no point. There were a few times in the earlier days when I had partied a little too hard, hoping that I didn’t wake up the next day.

I felt so alone. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and the few I had were dealing with their own struggles so I never felt like I could burden them with mine. Dating was a nightmare; as much as I longed for love and acceptance, I never felt like I truly got it from romantic partners, and many of them were abusive which just perpetuated the cycle of self-loathing.

My mom remarried after some time, and she and my stepdad never really paid close enough attention to my mental health. And anytime I wanted attention or wanted to do something fun for myself and they had other plans for me, I was often called selfish. So for years, I felt like I was.

I never really tried to hide anything other than self-harm. I was terrified of being sent to a facility where I would have no control over the way I wanted to heal. I knew I had to, I just didn’t know where to start. On top of that, I desperately didn’t want anyone to blame themselves for what I felt; I thought this was all on me. For a long time, I felt like I had no reason to feel like this. I had everything I needed, what more could I want?

After the ADHD diagnosis, I was put on stimulants to try and regulate some of the symptoms. They worked very well at first; no more racing thoughts and I felt like a functional human being. But as time went on, I started becoming very rigid in my thinking, paranoid about how others perceived me, and I started projecting that my now fiance was going to leave me.

After a very emotionally taxing month for me and my fiance, I had an actual mental breakdown. Unable to stop crying, I voluntarily admitted myself to my local psych ward and stayed for a couple of days, ultimately being released after assessment. I realized that I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Believe it or not, that moment came to me in what they called the “abscond room” at the psych ward. It was a waiting room, where about 30 of us were waiting for beds and only one phone was connected to the wall by a very short cord.

There was a woman around 20 years my senior who came in after me and while she was on the phone, I overheard her saying to her mom, “Mom, why don’t you believe me? I have a plan! I am going to kill myself. Why can’t you just listen to me? My whole life I’ve just wanted you to listen to me.” I related to her so deeply.

Just an hour prior, my own mother told me I admitted myself looking for attention, and because I wanted out, my attention-seeking backfired on me. Witnessing the woman on the phone with her mom was like looking at my own mortality. That’s me! I went through this for roughly 30 years, I was not about to go through it for another 20.

I knew I had to make changes. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I was definitely going to put myself first for once and really seek the help I needed for my inner child, so I could at least help heal the broken bits of me that needed repair.

When I got out of the hospital, at 4 o’clock in the morning, I searched for and emailed countless therapists in my area that specialized in EMDR therapy. The next day one called me and I’ve been seeing him ever since.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I’ve since gone low contact with my mom and it’s helped. I still have days where I feel guilty for doing so, but I’m learning through therapy that I was designed to feel that way at a young age. It’s a lot of unlearning and relearning. It’s so uncomfortable, but when those “a-ha!” moments come… It really is such a good feeling to know I put myself on the right path.

My EMDR therapist is also a trauma-based therapist and he has helped tremendously. In my flashback moments, when my heart rate spikes and that feeling of panic and fear start to take over, he instructs me to start tending to “little me” in those moments while staying cognizant of my breathing. So, I speak to “little me” a LOT.

I comfort her, I give her things I wish I would have been given by my caregivers, and sometimes, I just let her cry. All of those emotions “little me” kept bottled up for so long have to be let out. It’s kind of like this little hack since I’m always looking to take care of others, so I offer care to another part of me as if it’s not myself in the here and now.  

One thing he’s said to me that has stuck out is “If you’re able to sit here and monitor your breathing, you are safe.” That’s helped SO much.

With my daughter, I also try very hard to offer her the emotional support I always sought as a child. I’m not quick to yell or punish, especially if she’s just being a kid. And there are times I accidentally reparent myself through parenting her, and I don’t even realize it.

For example, her father and I are no longer together, and while he’s still very much involved in her life and an excellent father, she has all the appropriate feelings behind leaving her dad’s house come Sunday night.

One night, he dropped her off and I could tell that she was upset, so I asked her if she was angry, disappointed, depressed, etc. She told me she was just sad because she didn’t get to spend as much time as she would like with her dad because the weekends are too short.

I reminded her that it was only temporary, and in the summer, she would get to spend much more time with Dad, and that he would love to spend more time with her too, but this is the system that works for us and for her the best.

She felt a lot better after our conversation and went back to being her happy-go-lucky self. After she went inside, I had to take a few minutes and grieve. I had to grieve the lack of that emotional validation surrounding my dad’s absence.

My fiance is so unbelievably supportive, so he sat with me on our porch while I explored that wound where I was never spoken to about it or consoled, spending hours on the couch just staring out of the window anxiously waiting for him to show up, only to wake up in my mom’s house the next morning feeling so… empty.

All of the times he forgot to pick me up from school, once on my 6th birthday. I was so angry at my mom for not doing what I just spent a few minutes doing so my daughter could feel better, and then I was sad, because “little me” went through life so confused and sad.

But, a huge wound was patched up a little that night and it was just so relieving and validating knowing that trauma-based therapy is truly helping.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

My fiance, stepdaughter, and my older sister are my go-to’s. They have been pivotal in my journey. I have a couple of very close friends that I can be very, painfully real with, and they don’t run away from it. I don’t really share a whole lot with my coworkers, just the surface-level things, but we’re all a bunch of misfits so a lot of it just goes without saying–we kind of just understand each other on a deeper level without having to know all the details.

My mom and stepdad are often the hardest to talk to about it, just because they’re not open to any sort of criticism. I can quickly find myself in a shame spiral when I do try to say how I feel about something since it’s often dismissed.

I try to share my story with whoever is open to it. We are all human and the brain is a powerful thing! We’re all going through something in one way or another and sometimes, in order for others to start their own healing process, it helps to know they’re not alone.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

What I wish I knew earlier was that I am not fundamentally broken. I’m kind of like the Japanese art of Kintsugi. The pieces of me are still there, and there might be tiny bits that won’t ever look the same, but I can be put back together and what comes out of it is a work of art. 

With that said, healing is not linear and it is not completely mess-free! You’re going to feel like you’re doing it wrong, but keep doing it anyway… and learn from it. Be compassionate with yourself on your bad days and congratulate yourself on your good days. There is no right time to begin healing and you deserve to feel good about yourself. What comes out of it can truly be a masterpiece.

I have gained, and continue to gain, so much wisdom throughout this entire journey, so another strong piece of advice would be to try to educate yourself on everything you can and do so with an open mind.

We all have room for improvement and the ability to grow and change will help us become the most authentic version of ourselves. It will also give us the strength to open ourselves up to the possibility that we’re all going through some complexities… some sort of struggle. Understanding yourself is the first step towards truly understanding others.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker: This book helped me in so many ways that it’s hard to pinpoint particulars. It’s really explained how C-PTSD works, how it manifests within you, and how you can work through flashbacks. It was incredibly validating and helpful. A must-read for anyone who struggles with Complex PTSD.
• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk: This book helped me realize that my physiological reactions were a symptom of C-PTSD. It also helped me learn how to “breadcrumb” my feelings back to their origin. Not every negative feeling is tied to a trauma, however, the ones that take me out for a while are. It answered a lot of the How and Why.
• Patrick Teahan LICSW on YouTube: He really spells a LOT of it out for you. It’s so validating. It’s basically free therapy with explanations behind how things manifest. He’s so kind, and he uses a lot of his own experiences in his childhood as points of reference, so he’s speaking from a true place of understanding.
• Last Podcast on the Left: This one might sound a little weird. I listen purely for entertainment, but the host, Marcus Parks, struggles with Bi-Polar/Depression and while talking about his struggles on an episode he said something so profound: “It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.” He went on to explain that the reason we have whatever ails us is not our fault, but since we have it, it is our responsibility to learn how to function with it–whatever that looks like. It’s been something I have taken on as a motto of sorts.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I don’t really do social media other than Reddit! My Reddit handle is u/gnarlybetty and you can usually find me in communities like r/CPTSD or r/raisedbynarcissists – two communities I’ve found to be very helpful in my healing journey.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

My fiance and I are in an “age-gap” relationship; we’re 20 years apart. I mention this because we often get asked if one of us has something to “fulfill” for dating so far out of our age range. Maybe we do, but we just haven’t discovered it yet.

However, we don’t look at it that way. We got together at a time when we both needed someone to listen and understand us, we were both single at the time, and our values aligned perfectly.

We had known each other for some time through some family ties, so we weren’t strangers to each other at all. Huge plus: my stepdaughter was the one to ultimately hook us up. She was friends with my much younger sister and we always got along great whenever I saw her around, so it became kind of a no-brainer.

Generational trauma runs deep in my family, and as the scapegoat, I was left to carry the sins of the family. Being told I was just like my father, or his side of the family, was so deeply troubling that it caused a huge identity crisis. While I still have a good relationship with some of them, there’s a lot I never want to be associated with. 

***Trigger warning for rape/incest and domestic violence: I have a very dysfunctional family–on both sides. My biological father’s generation are all products of rape. My paternal grandfather (21 at the time) raped my grandmother (14 at the time) and because of misogynistic values, my grandmother was forced to marry him.

They later had six kids and my grandfather was physically abusive to her. He would line their children up and make them watch as he beat her, telling them that it was how you handled a disobedient wife. 

My grandfather raped my oldest sister for years and attempted to do the same to a cousin of mine. My cousin confided in my mom, my mom told her parents, and my dad turned to abusing my mom as the answer. 

My maternal grandmother was raised by an alcoholic father and an abused mother and was often sexually assaulted by her father in his drunken stupor. Because of the unchecked trauma, she sought relationships that often resembled the one she was raised in.

She raised her three children in a toxic environment and even struggled with mental health herself. In the 70s, she went through a mental breakdown and was administered Electroconvulsive Therapy at age 40. I have a lot of grace for my mom because of this… she was only given so much in terms of emotional support and I genuinely do not think she has the capacity to retain any more.

So, as an adult, she was an abused woman trying to take care of abused kids, as the cycle tends to repeat itself. But as Marcus Parks has said, it is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. It’s my responsibility to take care of myself now, despite longing for a relationship I would never have with my mother.

My father was extremely abusive to my mother. I vividly remember her wearing makeup to bed, and as a woman who was adamant about washing her face at the end of the night, I found it odd whenever she did. My first memory is of my dad throwing our entire brand-new plate set at my mom, shattering everyone, while I stood there in a pull-up and watched through the doorway.

At one point, when the abuse was escalating and he started abusing her in front of others, he beat my mom in front of me, my cousins, and my aunt and uncle. The cops were called and a female officer came over to me to try and calm me down but I was so upset I could barely get a word out through tears.

I wanted my mom safe but watching my dad being carried out in cuffs was equally as traumatizing. I will never forget that feeling and it’s one I can’t even describe. It’s a lot to reconcile with as an adult, but I’ve tried to deal with each flashback as a fleeting thought…I’m not in danger anymore.

However, once my mom left and she had all of that unchecked trauma, she projected a lot of it onto me because I was my dad’s child. I wrote her a letter once when I was a child and I was so young in fact that it was written in crayon, but it was about feeling like because I was a part of my dad’s family, and I knew she hated them so much, that meant she didn’t love me and that’s why she was treating me so badly. Instead of being hit with any sort of realization, she mocked and punished me for it. 

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a lot more but probably not enough room for each traumatic event or how I got through it/what helps me work through it. But trauma therapy and learning about everything I can when it comes to the how and why has helped me tremendously. I’ve learned that I’m actually the healthiest one in my family! Go figure!! 

Through all of this, my older sister was my keeper. She was not the one abused by my dad’s family–she’s not a product of his. However, from the time she was 9, she was “mom.” She basically raised me until she moved out at age 17. I went everywhere with her–friends, work, wherever she had to go… if there was no parent around, she took me.

She kept me safe whenever she could and was the silver lining in my childhood. Every birthday or big event that I had in my life, she was right by my side–no one else. She had to leave for her own reasons and I hold nothing against her whatsoever. It helped her grow into who she is today and she is the most beautiful person I know inside and out. She is a fantastic role model.

To this day, she is my very best friend and is standing up as my Matron of Honor at my wedding this August. The only regret I have in life is not offering the same for my younger sister, but through therapy, I’ve learned that I was not able to be. I had to survive. Her home life is a lot less dramatic than mine was as she was raised by my mother and stepfather, and things got a lot easier for my mom as time went on.

My stepdad is the one I view as my actual father, and he’s a great one. My mom did do a lot of things right, and I’m so thankful she was given a different life than the one my sister and I had.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Taking Care of My Inner Self & EMDR Therapy Helped Me Battle Childhood Trauma and C-PTSD appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, I am Rodrigo, and am currently living in Chihuahua, Mexico. I am currently unemployed and working on a couple of personal projects while I ponder about what to do next. My projects are my podcast (in Spanish), my music, and my Instagram page.

I am divorced with two kids and my biggest passion is music, it has always been my only friend. If it weren’t for music I’d be definitely dead.

I am happy, yes, but I do have my bad days but that just means I’m human and I have emotions. Not all days are filled with sunshine, right? And even in the brightest days you still need an umbrella to cover the sun.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

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What is your struggle and when did it start?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes with symptoms of extreme emotions that range from anger to sadness to happiness to everything else. But these emotions are always dialed to 11.

And it’s not just one emotion per day it’s all the emotions all the time and they are extreme.

I don’t know if it’s part of BPD but I never feel wanted by anyone or loved even, it’s such a huge sense of not being loved or wanted or not being part of anything or anyone and not knowing who you are.

I don’t know who I am (a feeling that has worsened now that I found out that my family is filled with narcissists). Also, I think I’m the most hideous-looking person in the world, and that no one cares for me. 

Hypersexuality is another big one in my case, when I’m in a relationship it’s all about sex, I can have sex all day every day if I want to and I do self-pleasure a lot because of the little dopamine I get from it I suppose… 

I’ve never done hard drugs, but two of my uncles are cocaine addicts and that impacted me greatly growing up, cause I felt what it’s like to be around an addict that will be cured “by the powers of god”. What made me fearful of all drugs was one of my uncles craving a high and arguing with my mom (we were visiting an aunt in Pasadena). Things got ugly and my uncle ended up choking my mother right in front of me. I must’ve been 4 at the time.

When I get angry, I become irate. I don’t get violent with people, I’ve never been in a fistfight, but I do get violent with doors, walls, and things around me. I have broken my hand twice hitting stuff.

I also have Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) which makes me imagine things in my head that are not real… Most of the time in my past relationships I’ve always suspected of being cheated on to the point of breaking up.

Also, I always take things personally, even on tv, ads, sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me and hurt me, so I keep to myself… I do enjoy my loneliness actually. It’s when I’m at peace and it brings the freedom to do what I want when I want

I can’t pinpoint a time when this started since I have repressed all of my childhood, I remember bits and pieces but everything else is just a huge blank.

I would guess it started in my teenage years since that’s when all the depression and anger spewed out. I must’ve been around 12-13 years old but I can’t be sure.

The thing that caused all of it was having narcissistic parents. Parents that were almost never there and when they were there they were very critical of everything I did.

I come from a well-known family and my father has always been involved in politics so he’s always been a public figure.

As such I was always expected to be the “perfect son” and was manipulated, blackmailed, and emotionally abused to submit and not be rebellious (I have the soul of a revolutionary I think ).

I’ve always lived my life “against the grain” so the more I pushed back the more I was insulted into submission.

So most of my life, all decisions have been made by my parents. I was taught that the world is out to get me and that the only people that can ever love me are them, that everyone else just wants to screw me over and hurt me.

There was some physical abuse from my dad, when I was learning to drive he would yell and hit me if I hit a rock or a pothole, and that caused me to be terrified of driving (I learned to drive when I was 16).

I was always shunned because he made me feel like I was stupid and mentally disabled and even said repeatedly “You are gonna end up on the streets”, “you are stupid”, “you are worthless” and all kinds of belittling things. This didn’t just apply to me not knowing how to drive but to everything I did in my life ever.

Also when I was younger I was with some older kids in a sauna and they convinced me that touching them and doing sexual acts with them was “normal” so all my sexuality during my younger years was out of wack since my mother and father never talked to me about sex. I did things that I regret growing up, sexually, that I now have realized is not normal at all.

Over time it got worse, I’m an alcoholic and I’m just 38.

I started drinking when I was 15 and up until I was 36, the worst times were in college when I completely got lost in alcohol. I would sell stuff, ask for borrowed money, and basically blow out the monthly money I was sent on alcohol.

Weed was my companion for the last 4 years and it got bad, I was smoking every day to escape my horrible reality and the situation I am in. I was just numbing all the pain and filling the huge big black hole in my chest with anything I could find. It was either girlfriends, sex, buying things, alcohol, or weed.

I was very irresponsible with money and bought things that I did not need just to be happy.

Another bad habit was making decisions “on the go”. 99% of my life’s decisions were in the spur of the moment, which lead to regret, which lead to depression cause “I’m so stupid”

I’m happy to say that today is my 12th day sober from weed. But yeah, over time it just got progressively worse and I grew more alone.

Do you know how hard it is to be friends with a person who wants to kill themselves and then 5 minutes later they’re ok? It’s draining. Well, I am that person.

This struggle impacted me horribly and made people see me as a weirdo.

Oversharing is a big one as well… as you might have realized… I am an open book to everyone but I do not see it as a bad thing. I am what I am after all.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I’ve never been happy in my life, man, ever. I am always searching for that little piece of dopamine whether it be from alcohol, weed, or falling madly in love in 5 minutes. I hid it for the longest time because, again, my parents.

“How can my kid have a mental health issue, he’s supposed to be perfect”.

Also, I live in a very conservative town so if I told anyone I have mental health issues, they’d think I have mental retardation (sorry for the word) so they talk to me slower and softer.

In my lowest and darkest moments, I turned to suicide, I’ve been suicidal all my life and self-harmed in my younger years. I’d carve things on my arms with sharp pencils and objects and also scratched my arms until they bled and then scratched some more. I hit myself, punched myself, and choked myself.

Last year, I caught myself falling into those patterns again but I have been self-harm free for 2 months now.

I have had 4 suicide attempts, one after I had a situation with my ex-wife during my son’s birthday party, that was the first attempt. I had bought a rope before and was looking for a place to hang myself but never went through until that day.

I was depressed, went into my closet and grabbed a belt which I wrapped around my neck, and proceeded to tighten. The more my brain told me to stop, the tighter I’d get it until something stopped me and I let go. I started crying and told myself “you’re so useless you can’t even kill yourself right”

Then it was two more attempts with a belt and one with a pillow over my face, searched the internet on painless suicide methods, had an open pocket knife in my hands just wanting to either cut my wrists open or stab myself in the chest, eye, or head.

It got dark, it got ugly, I had hit rock bottom and was digging.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I remember it clearly when everything came to be. I was high playing a game and listening to music when it started dripping little by little.

Thoughts of “maybe my family is narcissistic”, “maybe them doing favors for me and then asking for obedience is not normal” and then it opened up like a broken dam when the realization hit… My lord, was it horrid.

I felt all kinds of emotions, imagine having BPD, being high, and now being open to realizing that you never have lived your own life and facing all your trauma! I went into a psychotic breakdown and started crying quietly, laughing, I sent a message to a Twitter friend and she was super supportive but it got to the point where I believed God was here and that my friend was my guardian angel.

I had horrible stomach pains, wanted to throw up, and lost my sense of self completely. I was a baby again reliving all my repressed childhood memories.

I think the change was part of my circumstance. I have reached the lowest point in my life and somehow that made me realize that the things that happened to me are not completely my fault. I think hitting rock bottom made me realize a lot…

I think it was 100% caused by my circumstances. When an animal is cornered, all it can do is fight for survival, so in a way, I think I was telling myself “Fight and survive”.

And that’s what I started working on, fighting and surviving.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I really wish I could share tips on how someone else can benefit from this to overcome this kind of struggle, I really do! But it’s a path that I recently started walking myself.

What have I realized in these few days?

• You are an individual and as such you are entitled to be who you are, if people can’t accept you for who you are then you don’t need those people in your life.
• Show yourself small acts of self-love, drink your favorite coffee, eat your favorite treat, listen to your favorite song, go to your favorite place, and tell yourself “This is from me to me cause I love me”
• You are a miracle, but so is everyone else
• Don’t do good expecting a material payoff, and don’t do good to boast about it on social media. Do good as an act of love and stay quiet about it, feel your blessing in your heart, and move on.
• Look at the small blessings in your life, that’s how life thanks you for being good!
• Emotions are part of life. You can’t live life wrestling them cause you will never win. You gotta learn to accept that they are there and you just gotta live through them.
• Weed and alcohol are the worst solutions to seek to fill up your emptiness, try to look for more positive outlets like writing, drawing, and playing music.
• You do not need anybody to approve of anything in your life, your decisions can lead to failure and that is OK. You gotta learn to be hurt before you can appreciate anything.
• Suicide is not the answer. Believe me, I tried.
• It takes time for a tree to grow, but you have to put in work for it to grow. It’s the same with yourself, it’s not an overnight change. It’s a tough road full of failures and trying and understanding. There will be days when lightning strikes you, some days a pest will come and gnaw at your leaves, and some kid will carve its initials on you with a sharp knife and that is part of it, keep growing and nurturing yourself.
• Eat, your body deserves it.
• Shower, your body also deserves it.
• Let your emotions happen. For me, personally, emotions are like little children that need attention. I’m a parent so that’s how I picture it. If a kid comes up to you and tugs at your shirt you do not ignore it, right? Cause if you do you can hurt the kid and they throw a temper tantrum. It’s the same with your emotions: let them come and tug at your shirt and ask them: What’s going on? They may have scraped their knee and need a hug and a kiss. 
• Do not send your inner kids to their room when they misbehave, they’ll come out angrier and more resentful, listen and help. For example, I used to hate people and I would just walk around giving everyone dirty looks and couldn’t stand leaving my room or my house because ew… people. I talked to my hatred and it opened up to my anger. I found that, since I’ve been bullied and hurt by people all my life, my anger was trying to protect me from being hurt ever again. I thanked the emotion and hugged it and told it that it was OK to be protective and it’s OK to be careful with people but not every apple is a bad apple! Now I’m a bit more open and more smiling and more accepting of others.
• We are all on our own river. Sometimes other boats approach for a while but then a current comes and takes them away and that’s OK. They showed up, did their part, good or bad, and left
• You are in control of how you feel. If a person is angry at you, it’s not your problem, it’s their problem. You can’t control their anger but can control how much you let it affect you. Take the anger and filter it into something positive if you can.
• Let people be, you make mistakes too!
• Everybody is responsible for filling their own backpacks with what they want, if you fill it with flowers it’ll be beautiful and fragrant. If you fill it with rocks, it’ll be heavy and painful.
• You are free but there are consequences! Life gives you what you give it!
• Love comes from the inside out, not the other way around
• Even if you are crying in a Ferrari, you’re still crying

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I shared my struggles with “friends” but they just said “Hang in there” and “Oh yeah just be strong” so I ended up bottling up everything inside.

I am from Mexico, so there is a huge sense of “men don’t cry” here, and a lot of toxic masculinity. I honestly despise this. A man can cry, a man can feel, a man can tell another man “I love you”. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna end up kissing. Due to my past trauma, I’ve grown quite comfortable with my sexuality and I stopped caring about showing my emotions to the world. It’s OK to feel guys!

My parents don’t believe in mental health issues (I was told I’m not depressed, just lazy, cause for my parents I’ve always been lazy).

I have had to battle my demons on my own all my life and it’s very damn tiring since nobody understands and you’re just “that weirdo”. But this has made me a fighter and has made me strong.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You matter, nothing that you’re going through is your fault and it can get better but first, it may get worse (sorry).

You are a miracle of life! You are not as alone, since you’ve got yourself. That is the only sure company you’ll have for the rest of your life so please try and make friends with yourself. It’s a long road, this life, might as well make it a little more pleasant with your passenger, huh?

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz – This book helped me realize that I was living the “dream of the world” and how to cope better with other people.
• The Monk That Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma – This book helped me realize that life is not about things, but about how you live it.
• The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz – A very good book about learning how to love yourself.
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz – A good guide that has taught me to see my feelings not as other parts but as little children who need attention, taught me to play with the children and listen to them when they’re upset and angry. Help and love them when they are hurt.
• Music helped me to cover up the horrible reality I was in. It got me through relentless bullying in school, and at home, it got me through break ups, and it got me through the darkness, it has always been my little ray of light and bubble in which I can get lost.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

My username on all my social media is: elgat0verde

I’ve also started a blog where I talk about my experiences, it’s called The Barren Earth Diaries.

I am quite active on Instagram (I post all my favorite albums there), Reddit, and Youtube (I will be uploading music there, maybe some mental health stuff in English).

I also write music about living with BPD and depression. Here is my music on Youtube Music, Spotify, and Bandcamp as well.

Thank you for the support!!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Hitting Rock Bottom Started My Journey of Healing From BPD and Addiction appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Ron Blake. I’m quite a bit more than the trauma I experienced. 

I was born in Gary, Indiana, and raised with four siblings in suburban Chicago. I’ve run five marathons and graduated with an MPA from Indiana University. And during that one pretty cool summer I spent in Beverly Hills, I worked for the actress Sandra Bullock. I’m married and now residing and working in Phoenix, AZ as an artist and writer. 

Independence and creativity are the foundation I use for my happiness. Despite the mental and physical pain I still experience from all the bad stuff I went through.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was diagnosed with PTSD following a brutal rape days before Christmas in 2011. Three men entered my home one night while I was sick and asleep. I was held down, raped, and beaten. They nearly killed me.

I struggled badly with my mental health for so long. As well as requiring surgery, many years of extensive physical therapy, and lots of PTSD counseling.

My situation was exacerbated by something else. I was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia. It caused me to be unable to remember most; if not all of the rape, for about two years after the trauma.

If you’ve ever watched the riveting Jason Bourne series of action-thriller movies, then you likely already have a good idea of what this condition is. 

The Jason Bourne character played by actor Matt Damon spends most of the time trying to uncover just who he is and what happened to him in the past. To understand what impacted him so badly in his present life. 

It is a condition that occurs as a result of experiencing severe trauma. It occurs in only about 1% of the population. Thus, it is not often understood. 

That is my story. I had to remember over time just exactly what happened on that fateful night. Being awakened to the rape. The beatings. The harrowing 911 call I made as the rape was still occurring. Nearly being pushed off that 7th-floor balcony as I waited for help to arrive.

It will never completely leave me. PTSD is one of those chronic illnesses. You find ways to successfully manage it for the rest of your life. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

One of the three men involved in this brutal crime against me had been my partner for almost a decade. It was an incident of domestic violence too. I shared more details of what happened in this interview.

Explaining the additional challenges I faced knowing someone I had loved for so many years could have betrayed me. Being involved in something so heinous like this.

Shortly after the trauma, I started to isolate myself from the world. Experiencing anger with just about everything and everyone. Those closest to me sensed something was wrong. I knew something was wrong. But I was not able to identify what it was. Nor could anyone else. I continued to spiral out of control.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

An unexpected moment of laughter from a late-night comedy show stopped me from suicide at 10:44 pm on November 2, 2015. That spark of hope began my now eight-year 64,000-mile cross-country journey to become a guest on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

It just sort of happened. What helped me was to go out on what’s called the Hero’s Journey.

This is a literary theme that was made popular by the author Joseph Campbell many years ago. It involves having a disruption in your everyday life. Answering that call to action. Going out on an adventure to face your fears. Overcoming challenges along the way. Then coming back home transformed and triumphant.

This Hero’s Journey theme has been used in many classic movies such as Star Wars, The Lion King, and Harry Potter.

My disruption was that moment of laughter I had on that dark night. It was my call to action. To head out on a journey to reach that symbolic goal involving The Late Show in New York City.

Every day on my now eight-year odyssey, I have courageously spoken out as a blue-collar male rape survivor. Breaking down stigmas. No longer isolating from the world. Learning to process the trauma by talking about it. Being vulnerable with strangers. Them being vulnerable back with me.

Overcoming relentless challenges with the PTSD, surgery, and extensive physical injuries I suffered from the rape. Not giving up. Staying determined. Even though I’ve been repeatedly hunted down and threatened by those bad guys on my international journey. 

Meeting 32,259 strangers one by one on my travels who contributed colorfully written support on 496 giant foam boards for my 22,000 hours of effort to try and reach the symbolic goal of becoming a guest on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

Along the way, creating this massive display of artwork being featured in dozens of exhibitions, publications, and TV/radio news segments. Being signed to a contract as an author. Throwing out the 1^st pitch in front of 43,000 fans to represent the moxie of trauma survivors. 

Testifying before a Senate Judiciary Committee to pass a new law. Giving a TEDx talk and presentations at 28 colleges. Being the featured subject in an Emmy-nominated documentary about my innovative recovery journey. 

And coming back home transformed. To now share my triumphant story to inspire others struggling with challenges to head out on their very own Hero’s Journey.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Before beginning my adventure, I made a post on Facebook. For the very first time, I let all my family and friends know that I was raped.

I took a big chance doing that. I was born in Gary, Indiana, and was raised in the tough-as-steel neighborhoods along Chicago’s southeast side. I was not sure how my blue-collar pals would react to me sharing this. 

Would they see this as a sign of weakness? Talking about being raped…as a male. And opening up about my mental health struggles. 

I got an answer. My buddies and family responded with hundreds of supportive Facebook responses. They did not always use politically correct wording and did not talk to me like Dr. Phil. That did not matter. They were all there for me when I needed it. That’s what mattered. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

My piece of advice to give is this. And it comes in two parts as I will explain.

I have met those tens of thousands of strangers across all parts of the U.S. and Mexico during the past eight years. They have written the most incredible supportive stories on my 496 giant foam boards. Stories written in 94 languages with 27 Sharpie marker colors.

This massive collective story of laugh therapy will come with me to The Late Show when I do finally get invited. To help inspire millions of viewers who are struggling with mental health know two important things.

First: No one walks alone through the bad stuff we go through in life. The giant foam boards with those 32,259 vibrant stories demonstrate the abundant amazing support and love that’s out there for each one of us.

Second: Laughter is all around us. Even in our darkest moments.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

The best resource for me has come in 32,259 swashbuckling chapters. It is the book of love. Created from all those beautiful people I’ve met along my 64,000-mile adventure. 

Each person along the way that has shared their story of support back with me on my giant boards has influenced me. Keeping me motivated. Keeping me going toward that symbolic goal at 53rd and Broadway in NYC. And keeping me away from suicide. How cool is that!

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me here, or on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and YouTube.

Or just Google Ron Blake Phoenix. A lot will come up about my eight-year Hero’s Journey. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post From Surviving Rape and PTSD to Becoming A Story Of Inspiration And Determination appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Melody Votoire! I am a young author located in Iowa.

I have been in a committed relationship for about a year with my lovely partner, and I’m fortunate to have a small but unique and irreplaceable group of friends whom I love dearly.

I consider myself happy-in-progress, but I am proud to say I spend each day enabling a better future so that I can eventually label myself as truly content.

My ambitions include writing full-time, pioneering new forms of artistic expression, and, if time allows, becoming a “crazy cat lady” sounds incredible.

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about a year ago, but the symptoms of it have been occurring since my early childhood. I have always been considerably antisocial, insecure, and impulsive.

As I hit my early teen years, I began to engage in extremely risky and careless behavior, which only worsened with age. I went through periods of severe self-harm and became increasingly suicidal, feeling myself slowly fall into a state of utter hopelessness.

Despite these struggles, I still had moments of extreme (and typically delusional) happiness. This is known as “splitting white” on the spectrum of black-and-white thinking that borderline patients experience and I have been no stranger to splitting drastically.

In fact, there are days when I find myself splitting every half-hour at the slightest of triggers. Going through a constant cycle of emotions, and experiencing them as vividly as possible is incredibly draining.

It is difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of my Borderline Personality Disorder, though there are occurrences in my life that I presume enabled it.

My family members that I grew up around experienced similar personality disorders, which I have always credited as majorly impacting my emotional development. A child’s first example of how to process mental functions is often the experience of witnessing their immediate family do so, and I frequently observed situations of black-and-white thinking, disordered arguments, emotional invalidation, and paranoid tendencies.

I have also been involved in abusive sexual situations during varying stages of my life, which is a known cause of the disorder as well. These incidents involved people who I had every reason to trust and love, which directly affected my ability to maintain healthy views toward my peers. 

Another major factor of BPD is the fear of abandonment. Much like a majority of BPD sufferers, I have been known to go to extremes in order to avoid abandonment. While I am not proud of it, I once was a person who shamelessly manipulated, begged, and lied in an effort to get people in my life to stay with me.

This, of course, pushed those people away further, causing them to leave and further validating my fear of being left behind. This became a vicious cycle.

Borderline Personality Disorder constantly affects me every day of my life, regardless of how much I have positively developed in recent years. I have the constant role of monitoring my every move and reaction and avoiding triggers at all costs. I still split, just not quite as often, and each relapse with doing so is incredibly saddening as it can feel like I have lost all progress in trying to outgrow the disorder’s tendencies. 

The Borderline Personality Disorder “favorite person” dynamic has by far been the most impacting symptom in my own case. To summarize, a favorite person dynamic results in the idolization of someone (typically a friend, partner, or therapist) and acute obsession.

For me, I have had this dynamic with every romantic partner I have had, and it caused me to self-sabotage each of those relationships. There were habits of stalking, jealousy, cheating, suicide threats, and severe emotional distress. I have thankfully grown out of these habits for the most part, though I do still consider my current relationship a favorite person dynamic and it is extremely difficult to monitor these tendencies and maintain a healthy relationship at times.

Having a partner is something I have always valued strongly, and I feel that BPD has directly interfered with this.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Borderline Personality Disorder makes each and every emotion experienced at its strongest.

Happiness is a high like no other, sadness is a pit of despair, and anger is dangerous to everyone involved. BPD added salt to the wound during the worst moments of my life – occurrences that would be difficult even for someone perfectly healthy – and made existing feel like the most impossible task there is.

The emotions often become too much to handle, and my mind will entirely shut down and prevent me from feeling anything at all.  Disassociating is often the first place my mind takes me, and I will become entirely numb in an effort to avoid the draining cycle of emotional turmoil. 

Most people in my life (up until I began sharing my recovery journey online) were not aware of the fact that I was struggling with BPD, or even that I was mentally ill in any form. I have almost always remained professional, yet reserved, and the only thing that ever raised concern was how quiet I could be in social settings.

Still, I was only ever pinned as shy, and I have never been approached by peers about potential mental disorders. However, those close to me always knew there was something off.

My best friend and primary confidant of five years has always been aware of every detail of my life, including my reckless and manipulative tendencies. She was the first to hear of my many experiences of impulsive behavior, and consistently witnessed me hurt both myself and others.

Every romantic partner I’ve had has also quickly understood that something abnormal was occurring, especially when they were on the receiving end of the favorite person dynamic. When I finally received my diagnosis of BPD, my partner at the time, as well as my best friend, were not surprised at all.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I was elated to finally have a label for my issues.

After suffering through the symptoms for my entire life, there was finally an answer as to why I had experienced them. The understanding that I was not inherently a bad person, only struggling with factors that created obstacles to maintaining my own morals, was incredibly validating and finally gave me a reason to begin crawling out of my pit of insecurity and self-hatred.

By having a name for my disorder, I was able to effectively research the experiences of others online and I began trying out their coping mechanisms.

I would say that 50% of my positive development was through my own actions and mental monitoring, and I credit the other half to the incredible support of my partner and friend group. The diagnosis helped them as well, as they were able to see from others that there was genuine hope for improvement, and it encouraged them to stick around and help me work through difficult times.

I am infinitely thankful for their kindness towards me, and the help they have provided in my recovery.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I began journaling every night, documenting my day’s experiences, and allowing myself to analyze each occurrence. Keeping track of my day-to-day life provided a healthy way of venting about the negative aspects and celebrating the positive.

The best part of journaling for me personally has been looking back on old entries and seeing how I have achieved past goals or grown from past problems. I am incredibly proud of how I have matured, and my journals are written evidence of my own improvements.

For many people, including myself, journaling is a difficult habit to maintain. I started off by mapping out my days via bullet points, and this slowly morphed into detailed paragraphs over time. The most important aspect is getting your experiences down on paper and actually allowing yourself to rationally analyze your own life. It doesn’t matter if what you’ve written is a masterpiece or not.

I also recommend working out. Personally, I have found that keeping a schedule of days to do so (ex. Every morning Monday-Thursday) ensures that I can hold myself accountable, but this of course varies person-to-person.

Exercise is proven to make a positive impact on one’s mental health regardless of their condition (or lack thereof), but it has specifically assisted my BPD in terms of anger issues.

Instead of taking my anger out on myself or others, I am able to convert it into a healthy release when working out. Whether it’s a punching bag or simple stretches with weights, working out provides an outlet that can only benefit me. At the end of the day, you’re improving your physical health as well, which directly benefits every other aspect of your life. It’s a win-win!

Creative writing and poetry has been my most therapeutic outlet. Converting my emotions and experiences into a creative piece has helped me unpack deep-rooted trauma and anger.

Instead of allowing myself to have severe outbursts, I try to take a moment to write down my feelings and spend time crafting them into a poem or story. The creative aspect of it is an amazing distraction and diffuses many of my incoming episodes.

Sharing this work with the world has also proven to benefit me, as it has greatly impacted my readers and builds a community within them. Painting, writing, playing music, and any other form of art is a lovely method of dealing with BPD as it is a healthy and fun way to process difficult situations. There are hundreds of creative hobbies out there and I firmly believe everyone can find at least one that resonates.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

For a long time, I was only comfortable with talking to my close friends about Borderline Personality Disorder. This was partially because they had already witnessed a majority of the effects, and it wasn’t news to them. Having a support system within my friend group is highly comforting for me and I am thankful to have people that I know I can always talk to when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Discussing my disorder with my family, however, proved to be difficult. In my early teen years, I went through varying phases of harboring resentment toward my family, believing that they had ruined my life and were the sole reason for my mental issues.

I now realize this was an incredibly juvenile perspective and that blaming others only contributes to the issue, and does not resolve it in any way. I have matured greatly since then and I understand the reasons for the occurrences that contributed to my situation.

While it is undeniable that they were directly involved with my childhood and development, the last thing I wanted to do when it came time to open up was come across as guilt-tripping by sharing my emotional state with them. Despite their impact on my mental health, I am aware that my family has done their best to love and care for me, and I never want them to feel as though their potential parts in my disorder imply they failed to love me in any way. 

After finally speaking to my family about my BPD, I no longer found it difficult to share my experiences with others as I felt I had already crossed the most daunting obstacle. I began to share my experiences online with the community of those who support my writing, and it has proven to be therapeutic to do so.

I often post what I refer to as “BPD-Boot Camp”, which involves videos and photos documenting my coping mechanisms and destigmatizing the taboo struggles of the disorder. There are absurd misconceptions about the disorder everywhere you turn, and I have taken care to share the truth about Borderline Personality Disorder without sugarcoating the parts that are difficult to hear.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You are the one and only thing that can make you happy. Relying on others to “fix” your disorder, falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, and blaming others for your condition are self-destructive and nothing more.

Mental health relies on your mindset, and while it’s easier said than done, inviting a positive outlook into your psyche is the core solution to BPD and similar issues. While having a support system is a beautiful and important thing, you have to be willing to help yourself and take the necessary steps to do so.

This is a message that I truly wish I understood earlier in my life. I have wasted countless amounts of time and energy waiting for that special someone to sweep me off my feet and make everything okay, using others as outlets for my pain, and hurting myself needlessly. The unrivaled cause of my recovery has been, and will always be, my willingness to work toward enabling a better mindset. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• BPD Beautiful is filled with information and personal stories that I have related to consistently and used to propel my own recovery.
• The Teenager Therapy podcast was a relatable and inspiring content source for me in my early teens and helped me work through day-to-day adolescent experiences.
• The poetry book “Is It Okay to Say This?” by Trista Mateer provides a raw, inspiring documentation of healing from trauma and helps me understand that it will always get better.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I am currently in the process of publishing my first poetry book with a novel in the works as well. Poetry is my passion, and I seize any opportunity to post it online and recite it at public events. My hope is that by posting my works online I can help others in the same way that writing has helped me over the years – as a means of healing and empowerment. 

You can find more information regarding my writing on my website, or you can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Sharing My Life With Borderline Personality Disorder, and What It’s Like appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Mary Beth O’Connor and I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I am 29 years sober from a methamphetamine addiction that began when I was 16 and lasted until 32. I also am in recovery from trauma-created PTSD and severe anxiety.

Six years into my recovery, I attended Berkeley Law school and at twenty years sober was appointed a federal administrative law judge. 

I do consider myself happy at this point. I am in a supportive and loving marriage and have strong relationships with friends and family. I am retired and find my current activities to be rewarding and an opportunity for me to be of service to the recovery community.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I grew up with a mother who wasn’t bonded to me and, for many years, lived with a stepfather who was verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive.

As a result, with my first exposure to alcohol, drug use appealed to me as a pain-reduction and happiness-increasing activity. I started drinking at age 12, then moved on to pot, pills, and acid.

At 16, I found my drug of choice, methamphetamine, which I began shooting up at 17. I had a few years of somewhat reduced drug use for the first years of college, then slid back due to a multi-assailant rape and abusive boyfriend. I lived in increasing misery until I was 32. I also struggled with PTSD and severe anxiety but didn’t realize this until in therapy after I got sober.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

After the initial period of joy and stress/pain relief, using drugs became compulsive and obsessive, despite the increasingly negative consequences.

As I destroyed myself professionally, and my physical and emotional health deteriorated, I felt miserable and hopeless. I saw no way out of this horrible existence. 

I felt like I had no choice because, other than continuing to shoot meth, the only other options I saw were suicide or being institutionalized for a mental breakdown. I didn’t believe it was possible for me to stop drugs or to experience any happiness.

Although I tried to hide my deterioration, my partner, many friends, and my employers could see that something was amiss, although they didn’t know it was meth. Occasionally people tried to talk to me about it, but I brushed them off and avoided the conversations. Even doctors rarely raised the subject, and when they did, I similarly wiggled out of any serious discussion.

When I finally told a doctor how bad it was, he didn’t understand addiction and claimed I’d naturally stop if I took antidepressants, which I tried but of course, this failed.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

At 32 years old, I had been using drugs for twenty years. I was having physical problems as a result of my lengthy methamphetamine use disorder and was exhausted beyond measure. I was hopeless and unable to function.

My partner was about to kick me out, so I went into rehab for my substance use disorder. The program wasn’t a good fit, though, as they insisted that the 12-step approach of Alcoholics Anonymous was the only way to attain sobriety.

I couldn’t agree with several of their foundational principles, such as turning my will and my life over to a higher power. But I took charge of my recovery and filtered everything they taught in classes and all the 12-step ideology through the filter of “will this work for me?”

I used those ideas I thought would contribute to my success and rejected all the others. I also actively sought out alternative programs and found several. I took the same approach with these new options, considering all the concepts and applying those I found useful. 

This built up my confidence and competence, which helped me tackle all areas of my life. I used this approach in my therapy and other work on my PTSD and anxiety, for my professional development and in my relationships.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Write up a list of goals and then select 3 to 5 high-priority items. Research and consider a wide range of ideas that might help you overcome your struggles. Then analyze which will be useful to you at this point in time. Re-evaluate your plan every few months, noticing your successes and where you didn’t accomplish what you’d hoped. Update your list of priorities, goals, and plans, and do this regularly going forward. 

Remember that most improvement is incremental. If you try to leap over the necessary steps, you might well fail or not gain all the benefits from a more systematic approach.

What is my next goal? What do I need to do to help me reach that goal? Then do it. Your motivation and your efforts are the most important factors in determining the outcome, although you often don’t have total control. 

Try to find hope that you will succeed, perhaps by finding or reading about others who have done so. Doing the hard work is easier if you believe that you can achieve your goals and overcome your challenges. Doing the work is difficult at times, but giving up and living with your struggle or in your current situation forever is harder.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In my early recovery, I was selective about why I told. Over time, I shared with more people and in more depth.

I didn’t share my recovery from substances, my trauma, or my mental health history with anyone at work for over 20 years. I didn’t feel this was the business of my employer and didn’t want to have word get around the office if I told someone. I also was concerned about the stigma and uninformed judgment that might follow.

Once I retired, in 2020, I became fully open about my story. I announced in an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal that I was a former intravenous meth addict and a former judge.

I wrote my story in great detail in my memoir From Junkie to Judge: One Woman’s Triumph Over Trauma and Addiction. I speak regularly and openly on TV, radio, and podcasts, and at conferences and recovery houses. I talk about my addiction, my trauma history, and my recovery. I also educate these audiences about drugs, addiction, trauma, and recovery.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

When you’re in misery and pain, it can be difficult to see a way out. The only solution is to try. And, even with your best efforts, to accept that your recovery, from whatever struggle, will not be perfect or as fast as you wish.

If you can accept incremental improvement and see that your life is on an upward trajectory, this will make the process easier and more rewarding.

In addition, for most of us, seeking help from professionals, peers, family, or friends can be useful. This doesn’t mean they decide what plan will work for you, but rather that they might have good ideas to consider and that they can offer emotional support during the tough days.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I found Gabor Mate’s In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score to be particularly useful in understanding my trauma and the connection to my addiction.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

Currently, I am the author of the memoir From Junkie to Judge: One Woman’s Triumph Over Trauma and Addiction. I’ve also had essays published in The Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles, Times, Recovery Today, and others. I speak about many topics related to addiction and recovery, including peer support options. I’m on the board for LifeRing Secular Recovery and She Recovers Foundation.

You can find more about me on my website, LinkedIn, or my Twitter.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post I Overcame My Meth Addiction and Became a Federal Judge appeared first on Tracking Happiness.