Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Tatyana Frost and I live in Manchester New Hampshire. I work in social work and have worked as a clinical mental health case manager, but recently accepted a new position as an inpatient mental health counselor.

It can be a challenge to work in mental health while struggling with your own, but it has provided me with copious amounts of perspective and knowledge which not only allows me to help others, but also myself.

I am currently engaged to my amazing partner and we are planning our wedding for October of next year. We have two kitty cats together, Kimchi and Frittata and they are my whole world!

Most days I would say I consider myself to be satisfied and pleased with my life, but I would say this is a fairly recent development. I have always struggled with what I call my “deep down sadness” which often interrupts my ability to feel secure and joyful in life.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I began to struggle with my mental health when I was really young. I’ve kept diaries my whole life and the first record I have of wanting to kill myself was when I was about 9 years old.

I have a trauma history dating back to before I could speak when I was taken out of my home in Ulyanovsk, Russia due to neglect and suspected abuse.

I was adopted by my new family when I was about 3 years old and taken to the States. I struggled with being adopted a lot; I felt like I was an unwanted, unlovable, and undeserving child.

My adoptive family provided me with a great life but could be very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. I grew up chronically invalidated and gaslit, being told that my feelings were unimportant or wrong.

My mother made me feel as though nothing I did was ever enough to please her and pushed shame onto me when she was feeling insecure. I always felt as though I was responsible for my parent’s inability to manage their emotions and that I was the problem. 

As a teenager, my depression worsened but I struggled to speak up since mental health was a taboo topic of discussion in my family. Besides, at the time I thought that everyone was feeling the way I did inside.

That was when I began self-harming for the first time. I had heard about it and thought that since that’s what others did to feel better, it would make me feel better too. Self-harming became a regular coping skill I would utilize whenever my mom and I would fight, which was often.

My first episode of mania was when I was about 17. I had never been manic before, and my naturally hyperactive personality created an easy-to-wear mask for this symptom.

I began staying up for days, experiencing rapid speech, and most notably, delusions and paranoia. I would hide when I thought there were people watching me outside, and at one point believed I could fly.

The delusions got worse as the mania increased, but seemingly out of nowhere, the mania would turn into severe depression. I struggled to get out of bed and watched myself fail a test for the first time. These vicious cycles went on uninterrupted for months, causing daily struggles.

I tried to talk to my mom about what was going on, but she told me that I was just lonely and my iron was low. She refused to let me see a therapist and eventually, my school counselor had to step in for me to get any help. 

The summer before my senior year I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for suicidal ideation with plan, means, and intent. After about a one-month stay I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 1 with psychotic features.

I was hospitalized two times again after that, the second time for symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the third time for symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I was assaulted in February of 2023 by my self-defense instructor and it made my BPD and PTSD symptoms significantly worse than they had been in a very long time.

Almost daily I would have horrible nightmares, flashbacks, episodes of dissociation, and blind rage where I would self-harm and damage things in my home. It became very scary and overwhelming for my partner to see me going through something that neither he nor I knew how to control.

More than anything impacted my ability to work as a mental health professional. I had to reduce from full-time to part-time at work which caused even more internal shame. 

These days my Bipolar Disorder is mainly managed through medication which I take daily. I still experience minor episodes of mania and depression but not to the same extreme as without my medication.

My BPD and PTSD symptoms are still a daily struggle, but my weekly sessions with a trauma therapist doing Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Rapid Desensitization (EMDR), and Polyvagal Theory help to keep some of my symptoms in check. I still struggle daily with emotional dysregulation and occasional dissociative symptoms. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Before my diagnosis, these illnesses provided me with nothing but confusion and stigma. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. It was draining to be fighting an illness with no support, and felt defeated for every day was a challenge that felt impossible to win.

I think I did try to hide it in the beginning because I was in denial myself, but eventually, I knew that hiding it was only hurting me. I was rejected by my family when I reached out for support, and that only caused more internal shame. I felt alone and depressed simply knowing that others were not seeing my struggle and not listening to my desperate cries for help.

When I was eventually diagnosed, I had to grieve the life I thought I would have. After each of my diagnoses, I felt as though my life would never be what I always imagined it to be. And in a lot of ways, it wasn’t.

In a lot of ways, it was better. My diagnosis gave my healthcare providers and myself direction for my treatment. In 2022 I was in a place of maintenance with my treatment. 

After being assaulted in February 2023 I felt like a completely different person. My symptoms of PTSD and BPD were completely unmanageable. I felt like a completely different person and had no idea how to go through life.

These struggles were very obvious to my fiancé, but neither of us knew what to do about it. These symptoms I could not hide no matter how badly I wanted to. When I wasn’t working I was self-medicating, and even at work there were many times where I broke down emotionally.

I felt a lot of pressure from myself to hide these symptoms, to pretend as if that event didn’t change me. Even now, I haven’t completely processed it and still feel as though I haven’t gotten myself back. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I think the first time that I noticed things turning around was probably when I went to college. For the first time, I was able to find myself away from the judgment and control of my parents.

I had taken control over aspects of my life that I had, up until that point, felt uncontrollable: my eating, my routine, and exercise, and my social circles. All of which positively impacted my mental health. I would say 70% of circumstances and 30% of actions resulted in the bettering of my mental health.

However, it wasn’t perfect, and I quickly learned that relapse is a part of recovery. During my second semester in college, I was hospitalized again and that stay was another turning point for me.

Each hospitalization taught me something new and reminded me that improving your mental health is a lifelong project. I had a few months period of stability before COVID hit and I had to move back into my parents’ house.

After moving back in with my parents, I learned that living in that toxic environment took a huge toll on my mental health and I decided to move out and into my aunt’s house. This was another time in my life where I had relapsed in my mental health symptoms and it took me months to get to a more stable place. 

After about a year of living with my aunt and desperately trying to salvage my relationship with my parents, I moved to New Hampshire with my then-boyfriend, now fiance’, in 2021.

I really struggled with that transition and my relationship with my parents since moving out was still extremely strained. I once again fell back into unhealthy habits and patterns – self-medicating, isolating, self-harming. It wasn’t until a year after moving to New Hampshire that I felt as though I found my footing.

A combination of medication, time, regular exercise, and intentional efforts in therapy brought me to a place of maintenance with my mental health struggles. My mental health has continued to have ups and downs since then, especially after my assault in February of this year.

It spent several months living in a reactive state after the assault and struggling to get back to a place of good physical and mental health. I am still recovering from that experience and I know that I will throughout the rest of my life have consistent periods of relapse and recovery – but to think that recovery is simple and happens all at once would be naive. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Over the years there have been countless things I have learned from my mental health treatment. One of the biggest things that has continued to help me along my journey with mental health is education.

After being diagnosed with Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD the first thing I would always do is buy a book, watch a video, read an article, etc. Working in the field now and being an advocate online, this is the first thing I always recommend people do after any diagnosis.

It’s hard to help yourself or know what you need without understanding first what beat you’re dealing with. It can be helpful to look at the DSM 5 diagnostic criteria, however, I personally think it’s more helpful to read testimonials and find people online or in your own life with the same diagnosis.

Keep in mind that everyone’s experience with mental illness is different, even if you have the same diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, I loved Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir An Unquiet Mind. That particular author has written a couple of books on the subject and as a psychologist herself shares her story very openly.

To this day, it is my favorite memoir of someone with Bipolar 1. I spent a lot of time watching educational documentaries and first-hand accounts of others with the same diagnosis. It helped me to feel less alone and also to educate myself.

After my BPD diagnosis, I really struggled to understand what BPD was and how it impacted me. The book, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me provided me with the diagnostic criteria, case studies, and tips and tricks for managing my symptoms.

The value in doing this is not only so that you yourself know what you’re dealing with, but also so that you can help others in your life better understand. 

One of the best things I did for my Bipolar Disorder was to track my symptoms and episodes. I used the eMoods app for this. I started doing it after being given the suggestion myself and found that it was invaluably helpful.

Once I began tracking my symptoms in relation to sleep, irritability, mania, depression, whether I took my meds, and whether I had therapy, it helped me see my own cycles.

Not only did it give me an idea of when I would cycle into a depression or mania and how long it would last, but it also was helpful to share with my providers so that they knew what was coming and how they could help me.

I learned that my cycles usually last about a month or so and that not sleeping or taking my meds can be a huge trigger. In the app, I was also able to add notes. I would track my self-harming habits, whether I was menstruating, or if there were any additional psychological stressors going on at the time. 

I also found that having routines did wonders. A consistent sleep and exercise routine kept me on a positive track with my symptoms. Sleep has always been a huge trigger for me – without sleep, I am more likely to enter a manic episode.

Working a job kept me on a stable sleep routine and also gave me a daily routine to adhere to. Exercise has always been something I have struggled with but once I found a way to exercise that was good for me, it was amazing how it lifted my energy and self-confidence.

I have always found that yoga was a great practice for me as it has a mind and body effect to it. Outlets for your daily stressors that can also better your physical health can be an important part of mental wellness.

However, for those who don’t like exercising, having any outlet is helpful. I also like to unleash my creativity through music, art, journaling, and theater. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

In the beginning, I held a lot of inner shame and stigma about my diagnosis. I had a hard time talking to those who I knew were not understanding, such as family members.

However, I have always cared about being the change you want to see in the world. After my first hospitalization at 17, I returned to high school late that summer due to being in treatment. It was a tradition at my school to share a presentation about how your summer went and what you did.

I spent most of my summer in a mental hospital recovering from severe depression and mania. I felt very conflicted about sharing this, and for a while, I tried to decide if I would instead create an elaborate lie for my presentation. No one in my school knew, and I wasn’t sure I wanted them to.

After an internal battle for a few weeks, I made the decision to share my hospital experience in the presentation. I realized that the shame and stigma I felt were residue of the stigma that society told me I should be feeling, and I wanted to do better. I focused my entire presentation on my hospital stay, and while I didn’t go into too many details, I was proud of myself for not adding to the shame. 

It was hard in the beginning, and I had experiences where I thought I was safe to share and ended up realizing I wasn’t. There was a girl I met at a pre-college event that I told about my diagnosis and I ended up regretting her response which was shrouded in miseducation.

She told me that she, too, had mood swings and maybe she was Bipolar. It made me feel as though she wasn’t taking it seriously and invalidated the very real symptoms I was experiencing.

Mood swings are a normal part of life that everyone has. Bipolar Disorder is more than mood swings. While I have always cared about advocacy, I also recognized that I am not responsible for educating everyone in the world; I am not the sole spokesperson for the illness, and I wasn’t open with everyone even when I wished I could be.

Later in life I started casually dating a guy who I planned to tell about my diagnosis, but ended up changing my mind when he shared previous negative experiences with someone in his life who also had Bipolar.

I wonder now if it would have been okay, but at the time I was worried that his negative point of view on the illness would have a ripple effect on me. I never told him and didn’t end up seeing him anymore after that. 

As someone who works full-time, it was always a challenge to decide whether I should or shouldn’t share my disorders with my employers and colleagues at work.

So far, I have. The biggest reason is that I have had numerous times in my life where I have had to take time off of work and school in order to focus on my mental health. I am also fortunate to work in the mental health system and have had very understanding and non-judgmental coworkers.

I am always the most worried about sharing my BPD diagnosis since, out of them all, that one tends to have the harshest stigma. At this point, I have not had a boss or coworker who has been unkind about my struggles, and my current boss has been very receptive to my limitations at work.

In these ways, I am very lucky, as I know this is not everyone’s experience. Whether I do or don’t decide to share my disorder with my workplace, I always check the box during hiring that inquires about disabilities, as mental health disorders such as Bipolar and BPD are considered such.  

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Something that I wish I had known earlier in my mental health journey is that my mental illness does not need to define me. Looking back, I see now that while I was processing and educating myself on my Bipolar diagnosis, I overidentified with the label.

I let it become too much of me and who I thought I was. While this is controversial in the mental health world and everyone has their own preferences, I stopped using the phrase “I am Bipolar/BPD” and instead I say, “I have…” I did this when I noticed how overidentifying with my diagnosis was hindering rather than helping me.

No one would say you are PTSD or you are Cancer. It helped me remember that my mental illnesses are a part of me, not who I am. I am so much more than what label I have been given. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• An Unquiet Mind – Kay Redfield Jamison: Helped me to understand my disorder, see that I am not alone, and showed me that having a mental illness makes me even better equipped to be a mental health professional. 
• I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality – Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus: Provided me with an education and understanding of what BPD is, how it develops, and how I can cope with it. This is also a book I would recommend to anyone who has a loved one with this disorder. After I read it, I asked my fiance to do so as well. 
• The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk: While this book should have been updated since its release, it is still a cult classic in understanding PTSD and BPD. It is very written in a very digestible format and I always recommend it to my clients with PTSD. It helped me to understand how PTSD impacts me and treatments that can help, such as EMDR. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on Instagram @havingbipolar. There you will find access to the podcasts I have spoken on and my own self-help book I wrote about a year ago designed for those with Bipolar Disorder. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Finding My Way Through Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD With Therapy and Medication appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My name is Raneisha Stassin (pronounced RUH-KNEE-SHUH) and I’m a PR consultant based in San Diego, California. Prior to San Diego, I lived in San Francisco and Belgium but I was born and raised in Arkansas. 

I’m married and have an 8-year-old son on the Autism spectrum. He is my world and I spend much of my time caring for him and working with his care team. I’m also a PR consultant so I spend a great deal of time taking care of my clients, several of whom do work in the mental health and wellness space.

I’m very much an introverted homebody but when I do leave the house it’s usually to meet with other free-spirited creatives, go to see live music, a farmers market, or to a nearby beach. I really love art, music, and dance as well!

My primary form of exercise is dance and I’ve danced my entire life. It’s a great way to release negative energy in my experience. I also love to sing, write, and read. I spend a lot of time developing routines and regimens that incorporate the arts as a form of self-care and I try to engage my son in creative expression as well.

I’m also incredibly drawn to esoteric spiritual practices and spend a great deal of time in meditation, prayer, or engaged in some sort of grounding exercise. I wouldn’t say I’m happy but these practices, and my loved ones, do allow me to have a sense of gratitude that help me overcome my darker moments.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

This is a tough question for me because I’ve experienced “symptoms” much of my life but due to my upbringing, I had no awareness of it until much later in life.

I grew up in poverty in the rural South. Much of my early life was incredibly traumatic and abusive. I also experienced a lot of loss and grief from a very early age. My sister was murdered when I was a child, my grandmother who raised me as a young child passed away, and my older brother died suddenly in a car crash.

I was always quite hard on myself and had a difficult time appropriately expressing my emotions, especially after such losses, but because much of my family also struggled with similar issues I didn’t really notice a major issue until later in life. 

Growing up poor in the rural south I also didn’t have access to therapists. Mental illness was also heavily stigmatized in my community. However, at 26 during my divorce, I was living in the Bay Area and had more access to this type of care.

It was during my first of 4 involuntary hospitalizations that I was initially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 with Psychosis, Depression, and Severe Anxiety.

I was put on a number of different medications, mostly antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, and was in and out of inpatient programs, peer support groups, and 1 on 1 talk therapy sessions before I was instead diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I’d also been told by other clinicians that I have traits of ADHD or even Autism, however, the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis made sense to me given my codependency issues and the impact relationships had on my mood.

I often struggled with fits of rage, self-harm, impulsive behavior, and codependency which led to extreme anxious attachment to my partners and episodes when perceived abandonment occurred.

I still struggle with many of these things today. I often cycle through bouts of severe depression, anxiety, or splitting episodes (black or white thinking common for those with BPD).

In the past, I didn’t understand my behavior or intense mood swings, but now I understand much of it is rooted in past trauma. Nearly everything in regard to close personal relationships can trigger or set me off.

I often describe it as living life with no skin. Everything hurts and my brain interprets every single interaction as a threat or rejection.

Having greater awareness of the root causes of my triggers and why I naturally resort to feeling unsafe and defensive helps me manage it and reduces the severity of my mood swings and episodes.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For a long time, I did a good job of hiding the fact that I struggled with depression. This is one I’d experienced much longer than others so it felt quite familiar to me. However, after my brother passed away unexpectedly while I was in college, I became more of a recluse.

For a while, it was easy to continue to mask my symptoms because I guarded myself by spending much of my time alone and many people just came to know me as an introvert who occasionally got a little “wild”.

I used to party a lot in my younger years, which unfortunately also makes it easier to hide such symptoms, particularly symptoms of self-harm and impulsivity.

All of my romantic relationships and interpersonal relationships were typically negatively impacted nonetheless. The few people I did let close to me came to know me as someone who was extremely emotionally volatile and some might even have the impression that I was manipulative, though I feel this is an often misunderstood characteristic of those with BPD.

In reality, I was mostly just afraid. I was never able to, and frankly still struggle, with letting my guard down with anyone. Additionally, much of my behavior was reactions to very intense emotions.

Emotional regulation is something I’ve always struggled with so having deep connections and healthy relationships have always been a struggle for me, especially in the years following my brother’s death.

I often tried describing the intensity of my emotions and why I felt they warranted what appeared to be such dramatic and often frightening reactions, but it was incredibly difficult for those close to me to understand and I didn’t have a proper name for it until I received my diagnosis only a couple of years ago in 2021.

So much of my life I felt misunderstood or alone as a result. One positive of the diagnosis is that it’s easier to communicate what’s happening to those around me, though that often comes with its own stigma as well.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

Receiving a formal diagnosis and having professionals put into words things I’ve been experiencing and give me an understanding of how my past experiences may have influenced how I process and respond to emotions definitely helped me.

I will say that while medications and traditional Western modes of healing ultimately did not work out for me, as unfortunately, BPD is still a widely misunderstood ‘disorder’ even in clinical settings, having this knowledge was the catalyst for me doing my own inner work that allowed me to better understand myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. 

I will say that treatments like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) were helpful in providing me with a set of skills that helped me challenge my negative thoughts and behaviors, but I ultimately felt they still didn’t help me tap into the root issue of why I was experiencing these intense emotions or reactions in the first place.

Instead, giving myself permission to explore what these emotions and thoughts were really trying to communicate to me about how I felt about myself, the world, and the people around me was most healing. I personally found that journaling, spiritual practices, grounding techniques, and connecting with others in the BPD community helped me the most.

I’ve noticed the biggest change in the past year since quitting a very demanding job and really prioritizing reducing stressors and regularly connecting with those in the mental health community for support. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

By taking time to actually allow myself to safely explore my intense emotions I was able to understand that I was deeply traumatized, lacked emotional regulation skills due to my upbringing, and had severe attachment issues due to early abandonment and sudden loss.

For me, this understanding and giving myself space to feel what I feel without shame, and time to unlearn what I had unfortunately learned as a defense mechanism early in life, has helped me take steps to start shifting away from the intensity of my emotions and thoughts which in turn also helps my behavior and responses to those emotions.

Now I try to separate my identity from my thoughts and feelings and put space between those and my subsequent reactions.

In other words, when things come up for me now instead of automatically reacting in a way that feels natural for me (e.g. exploding, running away, etc.), which is often rooted in trauma, I’ve trained myself to calm my nervous system through self-care and study the root causes of these feelings and thoughts.

Unfortunately, severe Cluster B disorders are often so stigmatized that those with them don’t ever feel safe enough to truly explore their intense thoughts and emotions.

Traditional Western models typically don’t allow for those with more severely negative and harmful thoughts to have a safe space to really share them.

Oftentimes we’re perceived as a threat to ourselves and others which can stop a lot of people from really getting the support they need.

BPD (borderline personality disorder) is widely misunderstood because the episodes, impulsivity, and fits of rage can be so intense the only thing that is focused on is stopping the behaviors rather than understanding what’s causing them in the first place.

A major reason I was able to safely explore my intense emotions was that I sought out peer support groups and connected with other people in the BPD and severe mental health community who understood me and validated my need for safety, love, and support.

Peer-led support groups, self-care routines that allowed me to self-soothe, and inner work frankly have helped me more than anything else I’ve tried. It’s something I have to be super intentional about every day but I’ve seen a drastic change already.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

Due to the severity of my illness and the frequent hospitalizations I’ve had since 2019, I am very transparent about my struggles. I often had a hard time keeping up with demanding jobs, the demands of parenting, etc. when I was struggling so I had to get comfortable telling those around me that I was having a really hard time and needed help.

Oftentimes, I’d wait until I was in crisis mode when I then had no option but to get professional help. It was incredibly hard for me to learn to open up about this in professional work settings especially but I had to be transparent with my managers since I needed to focus a lot of my energy on recovery.

While I don’t necessarily recommend this to everyone, I make sure everyone who is close to me is aware since my illness is directly impacted by my interpersonal relationships and every facet of my life could potentially be impacted by that.

Typically those who are very close to me or communicate with me on a regular basis will be aware that something is wrong at some point given the nature of my illness.

I’ve found, however, that sharing my struggles has only helped me connect with others who understand and also spark important discussions that break stigma and allow others to feel safe opening up about their own struggles.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I wish I knew when I was younger that just because I feel awful doesn’t mean I’m an awful person. I spent much of my life hating myself because of my illnesses.

I think that people who struggle with mental illnesses, especially the more stigmatized and widely misunderstood ones, often feel shame. This can unfortunately hinder efforts to recover.

Once I learned to separate who I am as a person from my illness, specifically how it makes me think and feel, it was so much easier to really start to heal. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

Podcasts and social media pages from those who share their firsthand experience with Borderline Personality Disorder and other Cluster B disorders help me a lot! 

The podcast I always recommend is Back from the Borderline because I love how Mollie approaches this topic from firsthand experience but also does a ton of research and brings on experts who can provide that behavioral science point of view.

She’s the perfect blend of empathetic and understanding, yet educational and insightful. I know that podcast has helped a ton of people in the BPD community feel less shame and more support which in my experience is the first step to really healing. 

I’m also connected with Emotions Matter which is a nonprofit that is raising awareness of and support for those who live with BPD.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I have my own podcast called “Surviving and Thriving: A Podcast About Life, Mental Health, & Personal Growth” which you can find on Apple podcasts or Spotify. I’m also fairly active on Instagram where I share mental health content as well. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Got Better at Navigating BPD With Self-Care, Inner Work and Peer Support appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I’m Katie, a digital nomad living mostly between Redondo Beach, CA, and Buffalo, NY. I know, two completely different climates. I bounce around with my partner, Michael, as we both love to travel–obviously.

I work for a leading boutique publishing company, helping thought leaders build their authority through a book. I can truly say that I love my job. I enjoy helping people live out a lifelong dream by publishing a book. 

After I’m done with that for the day, you can usually find me hanging out with some dogs that I help take care of or researching the latest deathcare trend (yes, you read that right).

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life but now, I consider myself an overall happy and joyful human, taking in all of the experiences and lessons that life has to give. It’s hard to not find happiness when you finally choose to prioritize yourself and your legacy–more on that later, I promise.  

In 2023, I founded Grief Is Good, which is a collective that will house my future death doula services, advocacy work, and end-of-life planning services. I’m very passionate about having a good death and healthy mourning because I spent so much of my life grieving in unhealthy ways. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and a very mild case of Borderline Personality Disorder since I was a teen. My dad got sick with encephalitis of the brain when I was 13 years old and he stopped being my dad.

I went from a child to a caretaker in a matter of weeks and celebrated my 14th birthday in the hospital, holding his hand and praying he would come out of a coma.

When he finally woke up from the coma, he was a completely different person. All of a sudden, he was mean, agitated, demanding, and rude. My father had always been kind to people, especially strangers, and this change came as quite a shock to my teenage self. 

Ultimately, my Dad died when I was 15 years old. I lost a family member, friend, or pet every year after that until I was 21. So, I’ve dealt with my fair share of grief. 

After my dad died, I found myself not expressing my grief or talking about him. It wasn’t until 5 years later that I awoke–literally–to the fact that I had been avoiding my grief. It all came to light with a grief dream. 

In the dream, I was playing a concert at my old high school when I looked out over the crowd and spotted my dad. I dropped my instrument and sprinted across the room until I was in his arms. When I woke up from the dream, I realized that I hadn’t been talking about my dad for 5 years since his death, and that needed to change. 

This dream also came shortly after a conversation with my best friend that changed my whole perspective on talking about the deceased. We were in my dorm room and I was rifling through clothes, blabbering on about something, when I accidentally mentioned my dad.

I immediately backed up, apologized, and changed the subject. She paused, letting my reaction marinate, and decided to tell me, “You know, you can talk about him.” What she did at that moment was give me permission to grieve. And it has had a tremendous impact on me. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Anyone who has anxiety or depression knows the depths that it can take you in the most intimate and gut-wrenching ways. If you are lucky enough to not have these struggles, imagine that you’re on one side of a set of train tracks.

On the other side, you see that thing you really want: a promotion, joy, fulfillment, a family, a partner, etc. You know it’s attainable but unfortunately, your feet are cemented in concrete.

While you’re stuck there, a train is whizzing by, making the most awful of noises, screeching and screaming as it trucks by. You can see glimpses of that thing you want most, reminding you that it’s right there for the taking but you can’t seem to break free to grasp it. That’s what it has felt like being in the depths of anxiety and depression.

The Borderline Personality Disorder is a whole different monster on top of everything else. It has affected my relationships with almost every partner, friend, boss, and family member. Unable to truly trust my emotions and motives, it has made it difficult to keep a relationship in a healthy condition and maintain boundaries. 

I don’t think people around me unless they were in my tight-knit circle, knew that I was struggling with these things. I’m lucky to be very functional in the eyes of most people, appearing strong, capable, motivated, and successful.

However, on the inside I always used to feel like a fraud. I also had access to therapy, psychiatrists, and helpful mentors who often pushed me in the right direction. I’m still in therapy to this day and recommend it for everyone but I understand that many people cannot access the same services I had the privilege to. 

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I was thinking about my death! No, seriously! I was taking this course, the Best 3 Months with Gabby Jimenez, which prepares you for the last three months of your life.

We often practiced rituals and exercises to help clear our minds, remove any stored emotional baggage, and mend relationships. One of these exercises I call the deathbed experience. 

In the exercise, Gabby walked us through being on our deathbed. One of the first questions she asked us was, “How does it feel knowing you’re dying?” I had such a visceral reaction to that question. My body tensed up as I thought, “I can’t be dying. I have so much to do.”

I thought about all of the goals I hadn’t achieved, including traveling to Asia or publishing a book. That next month I started looking for a different job and started to prioritize the things that really mattered to me. 

Fast-forward to now: I’m working my dream job and I’ve just published my first book, I’ll See You in Your Dreams Tonight: A Book of Hope for Grieving Kids. I’m still working on that trip to Asia but I’m motivated to start achieving these dreams I’ve held in for so long. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I started to align my daily actions with what I wanted my legacy to be. For example, I want to be a beacon of hope and love for those who are grieving. I believe that it’s my purpose in life to assist the world in this way.

So, I–slowly–-researched certification programs to become an end-of-life doula. It took me about 9 months full of little milestones (like take a look at this one, or contact this other one) to decide on a program and apply. But I did it! That’s the key: don’t rush yourself. Build slowly. 

The other thing I did was stop trying to control my happiness or force myself to only have good days. For example, I’m in raw grief while I’m doing this interview. I’m overwhelmed by sorrow because I lost my dog just this morning, even though she was very young.

But just because I’m mourning, doesn’t mean that I’m not happy in life. Being happy to me means accepting all of the emotions as they come without judgment. I still experience anxiety and depression but I no longer beat myself up about feeling those things.

I just recognize that I’m having a bad day or week, and make a plan of what I need in order to cope with that. Sometimes that looks like a long cry in a hot shower or picking up meal-prepped dinners to eliminate a task off my plate.

Lastly, I found joy in helping other people. For me, that looks like volunteering at a dog shelter or walking dogs with behavioral needs. This has actually turned into a part-time job for me as I am a dog-sitter for dogs with special needs now. This brings me a lot of peace knowing that I’m contributing positive things back to the world. What can you do to give back? 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

It’s difficult to share my mental health struggles with people because of the stigma that society holds around these types of struggles. I have always been scared of being told that it could be worse because I have always felt guilty for having these conditions, knowing that people do go through far worse. 

I’m very fortunate to have a boss that is understanding so I feel comfortable sharing with her and taking mental health days when I need it. I also have a close circle of friends who I can rely on when I need to. And of course, my partner. He is truly supportive, which is incredible given the fact that he doesn’t have any mental health struggles.

A lot of people who don’t deal with these same struggles can be very insensitive or not understanding because they’ve never experienced the depths of these issues. But he is not like that, thankfully. 

Recently, I had to find a new psychiatrist because almost every time I talked to my old one, he’d comment “Well, you don’t look depressed.” That comment was so invalidating and hurtful because I want my practitioners to see me for who I really am so that they can effectively help me.

That’s one lesson I’ve learned: you need to trust your mental health professionals. I’ve “fired” more therapists than I can count until I found one that I love and that can read me easily. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

That change starts with tiny, incremental adjustments. I have always heard this advice but didn’t believe it until I started rock collecting. My therapist recommended that every day I complete the action of my new habit, that I collect a tiny pebble.

Slowly, as I progressed in that habit I could pick up a larger stone and eventually a good-sized rock. What I ended up with was an incredible pile of rocks that meant so much to me and a polished habit that I was proud of. 

So, start small. If you’re trying to get into therapy, just plan to research 3 therapists a week. If you’re looking to drink more water, start by finding a water bottle you like and bringing that with you to bed. When we try to uproot our lives and change everything, we get overwhelmed and often end up feeling as though we failed. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The book, The Wisdom of Insecurity, by Alan Watts, helped me realize that our pain is not outside of us. Once we accept that our pain, mental or physical, is part of us and that we own it, we can start to heal in a more holistic and natural way. 
• Another book, From Here to Eternity, by Caitlin Doughty, completely changed my view on grief and life. It opened my eyes to the fact that there are other cultures that could teach us healthier ways to grieve and process tough emotions. This book put the idea of deathcare as a profession into my sight. 
• The Write Method Journal, by Anna David and Josh Lichtman, helped me outline my daily habits and dreams so that I could achieve things in a more tangible and inspiring way. Plus, who doesn’t love a good journal? 
• The podcast, Life Kit, by NPR, has always helped me in life. They touch on all different topics but I’ve found great, helpful advice that’s not only improved my life but is interesting to listen to.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can read more about me at my website, Grief Is Good, or on Instagram, LinkedIn or TikTok. I also have a monthly newsletter that is all about healthy grieving. You can sign up for that here and I welcome you to email me your grief story!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Embracing Emotions Helps Me Live Happily Despite Navigating Losses & Depression appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

I am Rita Vilhena due to my photography, also known as Rita Isabel due to my art. I was born and raised in Portugal and currently reside in Portugal.

I am an independent worker (that is what we call here for jobs like Photographer), since I am a professional Photographer, Digital Artist, and Painter. 

I haven’t been in a relationship officially since 6 years ago, due to the last relationship being very toxic and traumatic. I have 9 cats, I love animals! My passion is art and photography and thankfully I do what I love, so, most days it doesn’t feel like “work” even though it is. 

I consider happiness to be a moment that comes and goes, just like sadness, life has taught me that, however, I do consider myself happier than I ever was.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

The official name of what I struggle against is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

The symptoms I experienced majorly and still do at times are:

• Fear of abandonment.
• Impulsive behavior (doing drugs, mainly weed to nullify my emotional pain which I know is wrong, unsafe sex, binge eating).
• Self-sabotage (mainly love relationships).
• Problems with my self-image (such as weight and beauty standards).
• Chronic mood swings (going from feeling good to feeling extremely sad).
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Paranoid thoughts (like people harming me).
• Feeling detached, extreme anxiety (to the point I’d vomit food and even with empty stomach, shaking due to anxiety, mainly hands).
• Self-harm (I’d do small cuts on my wrists to relieve the emotional pain because it was too strong, however, I was able to never do it again and manage it).

And I’ve made two suicide attempts with pills, however, I have been able to manage this due to having psychotherapy with a psychologist who understands more about BPD and being on the right medicine (for my body)

The medicine that works out for me may not work out for someone else as medicine might change from person to person, not every “cocktail” of pills might work for the same person, because we are all different, all unique in our own way, from our brain to our feet. 

Please also understand, that psychotherapy is essential, taking pills is just like a crutch they aren’t the cure or the solution, they help you a little, and they give you a push simply, what will really and truly help you is psychotherapy, and you will want to quit it once it is working, now you will ask me, how will I know when it works? When you want to not go to the therapy sessions, that means it is working!

Because when you want to give up the therapy and quit it, IT IS, when it is working, it is when you feel the most pain, the most profound sadness and you make all sorts of excuses to not go, please, when that happens, force yourself to go, even if you have anxiety at that moment and so forth, face your fear and do go and tell your therapist exactly why you didn’t want to go and so on, your therapist will be there for you and will know how to handle it

He is the healthcare professional that truly wants to help you to overcome your past and current traumas and wants you to be able to manage your full day, as in, get out of bed, do daily tasks (like washing dishes, showering, making yourself pretty FOR YOURSELF!), he will help you see, even if it’s not totally “direct” because you have to do the work yourself but you need to be willing to do the work. 

And always remember this: If a doctor tells you, you do not have a cure, I know this is like, if someone is giving a death sentence because that happened to me, quit that doctor, there is a cure, even if not “total” but you will be able to manage your everyday life and have less and less of these symptoms

And you have to get to know yourself very well, no matter what others tell you about you, you are the one who knows yourself better than anyone! Also learn to know what triggers you, to know what is a toxic environment, and toxic people, and to know what is truly healthy for you. 

For someone who identifies with BPD and is struggling with such, this was the website that made me certain of having BPD, although I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist of having it. 

I think it started during my young adult years with BPD (however with MDD it started when I was 13 years old) but it aggravated severely because I was in a 6-year toxic and verbally abusive relationship. I often say I was a victim of psychological domestic violence because to me and from experts I’ve heard, that is what actually happened.

Although my family life was toxic, I never felt loved at home, especially by my parents. Even though I knew my parents loved me, they would be cold (as in, not giving hugs, kisses or saying that loved us) and so I wasn’t able to feel it. Sadly, there was a lot of psychological abuse in front of us.

Being a lonely child, isolated, and talented since a very small age, when I entered first grade, I was bullied by my schoolmates due to drawing well, I’d always be alone. For most of my pre-teen years and growing to teen years I suffered bullying at school and sexual harassment.

I also believe that made me feel like an object, objectified especially by men, rejected by women because I’d stand out among the rest of the women and they hated that and I’d search for love in the wrong places because the root of the trauma was in my childhood. 

This still impacts me to this day, as I am still a work in progress and I believe I will always be, we as humans have to refine ourselves, acquiring knowledge makes us evolve as human beings, if we don’t acquire knowledge we get stuck.

Knowledge is never enough, we are always students even if we can become masters but even masters keep learning. I do a lot of self-development and avoid at all costs reading negative quotes, posts, news outlets, etc. because I am hyper-empathetic.

I naturally feel for others and I also have to protect myself from that, because all my love relationships and even most friendships were extremely toxic and some were even abusive, being an empath we easily fall prey to people like narcissists and other types of personality disorders such as the dark triad.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

For many years, I was never able to be happy at all, even for small moments, it was a constant struggle and I’d never understand why I was not “normal” and wouldn’t “fit in” like everyone else. 

It wasn’t clear to the people around me that I was having a severe struggle inside me because I’d hidden it well, coming from a Christian family, sadly I lived inside a bubble made by my parents.

I would also hide it because when I’d try to reach out to people they would invalidate my feelings with such phrases as “there are people that have it worse”, “you are over-sensitive”, “you are too emotional”, there’s more phrases of this type that totally invalidate someone who is struggling in serious mental health issue.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

This isn’t a happy story. However I started to feel a little bit of change when I finally moved out of my parents to Germany into that abusive 6-year relationship (I lived in Germany for 4 years), I was finally able to be myself, around my parents and everyone I knew from church circle, I’d have to pretend to be someone else and never myself, my authentic self. 

Quantifying it, it was a result of my actions, because if I didn’t apply to Erasmus it would have never happened so I’d say 100%. But it was an escape from my parents and the toxic environment.

It still took me years of struggle to find a way around it, because since I was raised inside a bubble, my parents didn’t teach me or provide me the basic life tools I needed to be “out there”. I had to learn everything on my own and became a strong warrior. I’d still rely at that time too much on what others would say and would think of me. 

When I returned to Portugal, I went through 3 different psychiatrists until I found the proper one for the proper “cocktail” of pills. I knew I wasn’t still 100% but at this time, I was already doing psychotherapy, my mother had passed away (she was my best friend and confidant) and I started doing a lot of self-development.

Slowly I started to realize, I was following for example too many negative instagram accounts, with depressive mindsets and I told myself, life can’t be only about negativity, it’s impossible, so I cut off everything negative/toxic and started following everything positive that would make me acquire knowledge and make me grow as a human being, I found Jordan B. Peterson and that helped me a lot, like, a lot. (this is an example) 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

What really helped me was psychotherapy, self-development and I had to cut off a lot of people that were toxic to me, including relationships, friendships, and even family. I know it isn’t easy, it is very difficult, but I had to learn to love myself first and put others after. 

People might say I am selfish but no, that isn’t being selfish, that is having compassion, comprehension, and empathy for yourself. 

If someone is abusing you, gaslighting you, manipulating you, or taking advantage of you, you should instantly cut them off everywhere, including social networks, real life, everything. Even if you have to change your phone number (I had to do this because of a female ex-friend and even after I receive anonymous text messages trying to taunt me). 

Do not *ever* allow other human beings to abuse you in any way. 

I recommend a lot Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, because last year I had a music trigger, I was able to solve it by myself due to Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s posts and videos on YouTube.

Every time I’d go to a supermarket or convenience store (the song was super popular) it would play randomly and I’d have panic attacks and I’d have to pretend to be okay and I’d start sweating and all I wanted to do was run and shout, sadly even my psychologist wasn’t able to help me with that but thankfully because I always do a lot of research, the posts and videos of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson helped me on solving my trigger. 

Related to triggers, if you know you going to trigger for example listening to a song, a movie, etc., fight your demons, slay the dragon in the cave! (like Jordan B. Peterson says) This will make you stronger in many ways.

Do not avoid your triggers, avoiding will increase them each time, find a way to get past them, this includes fears, always think you are strong, a warrior, and after all, you are! You are battling a heavy fight, even though we get down on the ground, we were taught to get up and keep going, do not EVER give up on yourself. You are precious. 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I felt mainly comfortable talking about my struggles to my psychologists and very very few friends… Most people like I stated before, invalidate you right away because they lack emotional intelligence and empathy. They aren’t able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. 

I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my struggles or my siblings because they never seemed like people who would understand at all what I was struggling with. However, they’d notice something was wrong, especially my mother. I always felt like there was a wall between us, due to my parents being conservative and at the same time open-minded. I’d keep it all to myself mainly.

Nowadays I don’t find it so hard to talk openly about my mental health struggle with someone but a lot of times I try not to do it, because I don’t want to give negative vibes, but also because in my country it’s considered still a taboo.

However in my opinion, if you want to know if someone is your real friend or not, tell them, wait for their action, if they disappear from your life, then you know these people never were real and never were true and authentic and you are better off without them! It’s a pretty good test. 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

I have a few pieces of advice I want to give:

Know yourself better, I did way later in life a personality type test which is known as the Mayer-Briggs personality test, which was based on Carl Jung’s studies of personality types.

I am actually an INFJ, one of the world’s rarer personality type, I sought answers nonstop for not ‘fitting in’ in the crowd and society and I always blamed myself for it, thinking it was my fault, once I did that, I finally understood A LOT, that happened in my life and why I was very rejected too because I was never afraid of speaking out. 

16 Personalities – Based on the Mayer-Briggs personality test, I find this the most accurate website, but you have to be very truthful, honest and do it with proper time.

Do not listen to people who have achieved nothing in life, especially if you are an overachiever and ambitious person, if you have a dream, run after your dream, God has plans for you and he gifted each one of us with something.

My gift was in the arts and since I was 14 years old (even though I started drawing when I was 2 years old) I’ve been after that dream, even if my own family has tried to “cut off” my legs (due to worrying because art life isn’t very profitable). Fight for your dream, when things are being the hardest and you’re ready to quit, that is when you shouldn’t quit because big things are coming.

Get away from people who trash-talk other people, these people are toxic, there is a saying in my country that is like this: “If someone is at a table trash-talking someone who isn’t there, once you get up and leave, the next topic of conversation will be you.”

There are always old sayings that have a truth in them and do make sense. 

Do not believe when society claims that because you love yourself and put yourself first that means you are selfish, this isn’t true! Being selfish means someone who never helps anyone, only looks to their own belly button, and has no empathy for anyone. 

Thank God or whatever you believe, each day you wake up just for being alive and having a roof over your head, food, and so forth, simply be thankful, it will increase your mood and you will learn the meaning of the simple things in life. 

Take walks in nature, even if alone or with your pet or with a friend or boyfriend/husband/companion, for a minimum of 30 minutes. 

Last advice, read this article to know that having BPD isn’t the end of the world, so you feel relieved.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

My recommendations for readings, podcasts, and YouTube learning videos are:

• Jordan B. Peterson, Rodrigo Silva, Augusto Cury, Dr. Ramani, Joseph Campbell.
• I listen to and have one book from Jordan B. Peterson (12 Rules for Life: Antidote to Chaos) and I love watching and rewatching his speeches where he deciphers the bible with psychology. 
• Pastor Rodrigo Silva sermons and when he goes to podcasts like PrimoCast, he explains in detail the bible verses and stories, he’s also an archeologist and he speaks of psychology too.  
• Augusto Cury’s books are excellent to help with self-love, he’s a renowned psychiatrist and if I’m correct, he also works in the field of neuroscience. 
• Doctor Ramani on YouTube related to Narcissism, this helped me a lot because I come from a family that has one or more narcissists, my current, and other kin. It’s a generational problem and it keeps passing on from one generation to another and I’ve been the main one trying to break the pattern. If there isn’t one that breaks the pattern, the pattern keeps on going for generations, this is why, nowadays there is so much crime. 
• Rhonda Byrnes, her book named HERO, which is inspired by Joseph Campbell’s The Path of the Hero. 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can learn more about me on the following websites:

• www.ritaisabel.com – my art website that’s currently in English.
• www.vilhenarita.com – currently in Portuguese.

You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram @ritaisabelart, @ritavilhenaphotography, and TikTok @ritavilhenaphotography.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How I Learned to Manage Depression and BPD Through Art and Self-Development appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hi! My Name is Sarah, but most of my friends call me Bunny. I’m from Sydney, Australia and I’m 20 years old. I like to think of myself as a passionate and creative person. I have a love for crystal collecting and run my own small business where I share my love with other like-minded people.

I also have an extremely deep love for music! My mini zoo at home consists of two budgies, Blue Cheese and Beetle, and two cats, Jasmine and Boots (also a special mention for my angel kitty Meshka) 

I have been described as “bright and bubbly” since I was very young and many people tell me I’m a warm and caring person. I dream that one day I can encourage others to be themselves authentically and without the fear of being judged by others.

All that being said, behind closed doors, I struggle a lot with my mental health and I often have a lot of trouble putting the love and kindness I show others into love and kindness for myself. 

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My struggle began when I was just ten years old, I was officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after I began to refuse to go to school. I vividly remember the feeling of fear and terror I felt each morning before school. I very suddenly made a full recovery when starting my first day of high school a year later. 

I honestly thought this would be the end of my struggle but when I was 15 I began experiencing very minor panic attacks. These were often accompanied by derealisation and depersonalization and intense nausea. I started seeing a psychologist and was promptly diagnosed with ADHD and depression and my anxiety diagnosis was reaffirmed. 

I had the misfortune of getting into an abusive relationship from ages 15-17, he was the same age as me and was so sweet in the beginning. His true colors did eventually show when he began to sexually, verbally, and emotionally abuse me and play it off as “mental health issues”.

At such a young age I had no idea that such behavior wasn’t normal, I truly believed that I was the problem in the relationship. He eventually cheated on me and ended the relationship which was a blessing in disguise. In the months after that breakup I developed severe derealization, depersonalization, and suicidal ideation. This time period was also when I began to struggle with self-harm.

A year later when I was 18 I got into a new relationship and spent a lot of time with his family, at this time I began to realize how unstable and dysfunctional my home has been for my entire life. My mother was traumatized as a child and never sought help in her adulthood, so the generational trauma was passed down to me and my younger sibling.

I began experiencing extremely unstable moods and unhealthy attachment issues. I’d have episodes of extreme anger or upset followed by euphoria. I was just generally unstable and would swing between emotional extremes that were far from age appropriate. I also had a strange feeling of numbness and issues with my identity. I also struggled a lot with self-harm during these episodes. 

These symptoms lead to me being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at 18 and also sparked what would eventually become a Panic disorder. 

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

My worst began in 2021, surprisingly despite my BPD I was in a reasonably healthy relationship. For the first time in my life, I was able to process the trauma I had experienced, his home was a safe space for me and his mother took me under her wing. Being so young and suddenly having the weight of lifelong trauma bestowed upon me, I developed Panic Disorder and emetophobia. 

It started very simply with nightly panic attacks but soon became much more than that, in 2022 I hit rock bottom. I was broken up with while stuck in a covid lockdown and I had surgery (a huge fear of mine). The pain meds gave me the most terrifying 9-hour panic attack, I genuinely thought I was going to die that night. This is what I consider the true beginning of my Panic disorder despite being diagnosed with it a year earlier. 

From then on I was very unwell, unable to eat, sleep, shower, leave my home, or do anything. When I wasn’t panicking I was nauseous and anxious. I became disabled from my multiple mental illnesses, when it wasn’t panic disorder it was depression or BPD. I was also psychologically addicted to anti-nausea medication as a result of my emetophobia. 

I developed severe agoraphobia at this time and most days found it hard to even leave my room. At 19 years old I had lost all of my independence, I was unable to work, and I couldn’t even make a meal for myself 90% of the time. At this time I was also diagnosed with OCD. I turned 20 completely alone, I couldn’t even leave my room to have happy birthday sung to me. 

I can confidently and without a doubt say that I have never been more miserable and lonely in my entire life. I felt like the shell of a human, as if my body was just a vessel for anxiety and I had the misfortune of being there for the ride. 

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The turning point for me was getting medicated. Without a doubt, I would be dead if it wasn’t for my medication. I started on Mirtazapine in December of 2022, and for the first time in three years, I experienced a breath of fresh air. I had 3 entire weeks panic free. After one small panic attack another 4 after that!

It took me so long to build the courage to get medicated, as I have a strong aversion to SSRIs due to the potential for side effects. I had also known that SSRIs had the potential to exacerbate my BPD. Mirtazapine however is not an SSRI and I was assured that it was so gentle with very little chance for strong side effects.

I eventually added Propranolol into my regimen and this gave me even more relief! My panic attacks went from severe for hours and hours to 30 minutes and far less severe!! 

I also found a lot of comfort in music, specifically the duo $uicideboy$. Their music for me shows a story of success against mental illness and addiction. It made me feel seen and heard to hear lyrics that speak so openly about topics that are typically taboo like self-harm. It was and still is so inspiring to see their music change as they both go on a journey of recovery and sobriety.

As someone at the beginning of that journey, they are a beacon of hope that life in fact does get better. One of the biggest motivations for my agoraphobia recovery is to be well enough to see them live when they visit Sydney.

I wouldn’t currently consider myself fully recovered by any means, I still have panic attacks and I’m still struggling with agoraphobia but I can confidently say I’m now on the road to recovery, slowly but surely I am gaining parts of my freedom back. 

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

There are probably thousands of strategies out there for anxiety and panic disorder so I’d really aim to keep an open mind and explore the many strategies out there. What works for one person may not work for others and that’s okay! That being said here is what has worked for me, all of these are done in conjunction with taking my daily meds. 

Seeking out a psychologist who specializes in BPD and trauma really helped me. In particular, learning DBT skills not only helped me learn to cope during a BPD episode but it also helped me cope during panic attacks. You can access DBT in groups, solo with a psychologist, or even completely self-guided with resources online! 

In my experience with Panic Disorder or any form of anxiety, learning as much as possible about how and why anxiety happens helped me so much. I learned about this just from reading articles on Google and searching questions I had about my disorders.

In my experience having a deep knowledge and understanding of what is happening in my mind and body during panic attacks takes away so much fear and uncertainty. I’m able to tell myself “This is just adrenaline and it cannot hurt me, it will pass”.

Panic for me often feels like I’m dying or having a medical emergency which is really scary, but when I know for certain that nothing is wrong the panic loses a lot of its power. 

Gradual exposure has also helped me immensely. Going for walks, in particular, is a great way to get out of the house but also still be in control (I’m able to turn back and go home whenever I need). Some days I may feel ready to walk really far and other days I may only be able to make it to the mailbox and back and that’s 100% okay! 

Panic attacks with panic disorder are inevitable so creating a routine for when they do happen has helped me a lot! For me, my routine looks like getting comfy in bed, putting on a youtube video in the background, and reading until it passes.

You may have heard the phrase “Ride the wave” or “the only way out is through” and I 100% agree with these statements. Having a routine that works for my specific needs helps me ride that anxiety wave.

If you don’t already have a routine it may take some trial and error to figure out what works for you but my biggest advice is don’t focus on making the anxiety go away as this can make the anxiety worse. Focus on making yourself a safe space to experience those feelings.

There are probably so many more things that could be helpful but my last recommendation is to really truly try to look on the bright side. For me having extensive mental health issues to the point of being disabled has been so discouraging and it was very easy (and honestly fair/expected) to slip into a very dark and hopeless mindset.

I struggled a lot with comparing myself to others my age who weren’t disabled. This mindset for me was doing me absolutely 0 favors and just made me feel even worse. I don’t mean this as “never feel sad or sorry for yourself” because it is very important to acknowledge negative emotions and allow yourself to feel them.

However, I think it’s even more important to practice gratitude and focus on the positive things when you can, for me, that’s my partner and sibling, my pets, music, my favorite foods, my physical health, and nature! 

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I’m an absolute open book when it comes to my mental health and my story. I don’t really feel uncomfortable sharing my experiences as long as the people on the receiving end are open to listening! (I always consider if the listener is in the right mental state to listen, some things can be triggering to others).

I think it’s really important to be vulnerable and honest because you really truly never know what someone is going through behind closed doors, your story may inspire someone who’s in a similar situation to seek help.

The only people I’d feel uncomfortable sharing my story with are those who don’t have an open mind or those who make rude comments or remarks. BPD in particular has such a stigma around it, some people see us as inherently toxic or abusive individuals so I have no interest in engaging with people who believe those types of things.

Sometimes it can be difficult to speak about some of the more traumatic parts of my life, especially my abuse but then again I really think it’s so important to speak about especially because there could be a young girl right now going through what I did and like me has no idea those things aren’t normal. I really truly just want to help others and if my story can help even one person then it is all worth it! 

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

My advice would be to never ever allow anyone to tell you to stop being yourself! 

It’s okay if you have big feelings and it’s okay if you take up space, it’s okay if you express yourself differently to others and most importantly it’s okay if you need to reach out for extra help and support. 

There are so many hateful people on this planet, don’t let them dull your sparkle with their miserable life!

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The anxious truth podcast: this podcast helped me so much with my mindset and helped me feel less alone! 
• DBT skills workbook: this book has helped me so much in coping with my BPD and my panic disorder.
• The r/anxiety subreddit and the r/panic disorder subreddit are both amazing communities filled with some wonderful people who will support you when needed! (there may be the occasional troll but the mods are super helpful if you need to report anyone). 

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find me on Instagram @Strwbrrysh0rtcak3. 

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Navigating BPD and Panic Attacks with Medication, DBT and Music! appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

Hello, I am Rodrigo, and am currently living in Chihuahua, Mexico. I am currently unemployed and working on a couple of personal projects while I ponder about what to do next. My projects are my podcast (in Spanish), my music, and my Instagram page.

I am divorced with two kids and my biggest passion is music, it has always been my only friend. If it weren’t for music I’d be definitely dead.

I am happy, yes, but I do have my bad days but that just means I’m human and I have emotions. Not all days are filled with sunshine, right? And even in the brightest days you still need an umbrella to cover the sun.

By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. To help you feel better, we’ve condensed the information of 100’s of articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control.

Don’t Miss Out On Happiness

Find happiness with this 10-step mental health cheat sheet.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes with symptoms of extreme emotions that range from anger to sadness to happiness to everything else. But these emotions are always dialed to 11.

And it’s not just one emotion per day it’s all the emotions all the time and they are extreme.

I don’t know if it’s part of BPD but I never feel wanted by anyone or loved even, it’s such a huge sense of not being loved or wanted or not being part of anything or anyone and not knowing who you are.

I don’t know who I am (a feeling that has worsened now that I found out that my family is filled with narcissists). Also, I think I’m the most hideous-looking person in the world, and that no one cares for me. 

Hypersexuality is another big one in my case, when I’m in a relationship it’s all about sex, I can have sex all day every day if I want to and I do self-pleasure a lot because of the little dopamine I get from it I suppose… 

I’ve never done hard drugs, but two of my uncles are cocaine addicts and that impacted me greatly growing up, cause I felt what it’s like to be around an addict that will be cured “by the powers of god”. What made me fearful of all drugs was one of my uncles craving a high and arguing with my mom (we were visiting an aunt in Pasadena). Things got ugly and my uncle ended up choking my mother right in front of me. I must’ve been 4 at the time.

When I get angry, I become irate. I don’t get violent with people, I’ve never been in a fistfight, but I do get violent with doors, walls, and things around me. I have broken my hand twice hitting stuff.

I also have Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) which makes me imagine things in my head that are not real… Most of the time in my past relationships I’ve always suspected of being cheated on to the point of breaking up.

Also, I always take things personally, even on tv, ads, sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me and hurt me, so I keep to myself… I do enjoy my loneliness actually. It’s when I’m at peace and it brings the freedom to do what I want when I want

I can’t pinpoint a time when this started since I have repressed all of my childhood, I remember bits and pieces but everything else is just a huge blank.

I would guess it started in my teenage years since that’s when all the depression and anger spewed out. I must’ve been around 12-13 years old but I can’t be sure.

The thing that caused all of it was having narcissistic parents. Parents that were almost never there and when they were there they were very critical of everything I did.

I come from a well-known family and my father has always been involved in politics so he’s always been a public figure.

As such I was always expected to be the “perfect son” and was manipulated, blackmailed, and emotionally abused to submit and not be rebellious (I have the soul of a revolutionary I think ).

I’ve always lived my life “against the grain” so the more I pushed back the more I was insulted into submission.

So most of my life, all decisions have been made by my parents. I was taught that the world is out to get me and that the only people that can ever love me are them, that everyone else just wants to screw me over and hurt me.

There was some physical abuse from my dad, when I was learning to drive he would yell and hit me if I hit a rock or a pothole, and that caused me to be terrified of driving (I learned to drive when I was 16).

I was always shunned because he made me feel like I was stupid and mentally disabled and even said repeatedly “You are gonna end up on the streets”, “you are stupid”, “you are worthless” and all kinds of belittling things. This didn’t just apply to me not knowing how to drive but to everything I did in my life ever.

Also when I was younger I was with some older kids in a sauna and they convinced me that touching them and doing sexual acts with them was “normal” so all my sexuality during my younger years was out of wack since my mother and father never talked to me about sex. I did things that I regret growing up, sexually, that I now have realized is not normal at all.

Over time it got worse, I’m an alcoholic and I’m just 38.

I started drinking when I was 15 and up until I was 36, the worst times were in college when I completely got lost in alcohol. I would sell stuff, ask for borrowed money, and basically blow out the monthly money I was sent on alcohol.

Weed was my companion for the last 4 years and it got bad, I was smoking every day to escape my horrible reality and the situation I am in. I was just numbing all the pain and filling the huge big black hole in my chest with anything I could find. It was either girlfriends, sex, buying things, alcohol, or weed.

I was very irresponsible with money and bought things that I did not need just to be happy.

Another bad habit was making decisions “on the go”. 99% of my life’s decisions were in the spur of the moment, which lead to regret, which lead to depression cause “I’m so stupid”

I’m happy to say that today is my 12th day sober from weed. But yeah, over time it just got progressively worse and I grew more alone.

Do you know how hard it is to be friends with a person who wants to kill themselves and then 5 minutes later they’re ok? It’s draining. Well, I am that person.

This struggle impacted me horribly and made people see me as a weirdo.

Oversharing is a big one as well… as you might have realized… I am an open book to everyone but I do not see it as a bad thing. I am what I am after all.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I’ve never been happy in my life, man, ever. I am always searching for that little piece of dopamine whether it be from alcohol, weed, or falling madly in love in 5 minutes. I hid it for the longest time because, again, my parents.

“How can my kid have a mental health issue, he’s supposed to be perfect”.

Also, I live in a very conservative town so if I told anyone I have mental health issues, they’d think I have mental retardation (sorry for the word) so they talk to me slower and softer.

In my lowest and darkest moments, I turned to suicide, I’ve been suicidal all my life and self-harmed in my younger years. I’d carve things on my arms with sharp pencils and objects and also scratched my arms until they bled and then scratched some more. I hit myself, punched myself, and choked myself.

Last year, I caught myself falling into those patterns again but I have been self-harm free for 2 months now.

I have had 4 suicide attempts, one after I had a situation with my ex-wife during my son’s birthday party, that was the first attempt. I had bought a rope before and was looking for a place to hang myself but never went through until that day.

I was depressed, went into my closet and grabbed a belt which I wrapped around my neck, and proceeded to tighten. The more my brain told me to stop, the tighter I’d get it until something stopped me and I let go. I started crying and told myself “you’re so useless you can’t even kill yourself right”

Then it was two more attempts with a belt and one with a pillow over my face, searched the internet on painless suicide methods, had an open pocket knife in my hands just wanting to either cut my wrists open or stab myself in the chest, eye, or head.

It got dark, it got ugly, I had hit rock bottom and was digging.

Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

I remember it clearly when everything came to be. I was high playing a game and listening to music when it started dripping little by little.

Thoughts of “maybe my family is narcissistic”, “maybe them doing favors for me and then asking for obedience is not normal” and then it opened up like a broken dam when the realization hit… My lord, was it horrid.

I felt all kinds of emotions, imagine having BPD, being high, and now being open to realizing that you never have lived your own life and facing all your trauma! I went into a psychotic breakdown and started crying quietly, laughing, I sent a message to a Twitter friend and she was super supportive but it got to the point where I believed God was here and that my friend was my guardian angel.

I had horrible stomach pains, wanted to throw up, and lost my sense of self completely. I was a baby again reliving all my repressed childhood memories.

I think the change was part of my circumstance. I have reached the lowest point in my life and somehow that made me realize that the things that happened to me are not completely my fault. I think hitting rock bottom made me realize a lot…

I think it was 100% caused by my circumstances. When an animal is cornered, all it can do is fight for survival, so in a way, I think I was telling myself “Fight and survive”.

And that’s what I started working on, fighting and surviving.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I really wish I could share tips on how someone else can benefit from this to overcome this kind of struggle, I really do! But it’s a path that I recently started walking myself.

What have I realized in these few days?

• You are an individual and as such you are entitled to be who you are, if people can’t accept you for who you are then you don’t need those people in your life.
• Show yourself small acts of self-love, drink your favorite coffee, eat your favorite treat, listen to your favorite song, go to your favorite place, and tell yourself “This is from me to me cause I love me”
• You are a miracle, but so is everyone else
• Don’t do good expecting a material payoff, and don’t do good to boast about it on social media. Do good as an act of love and stay quiet about it, feel your blessing in your heart, and move on.
• Look at the small blessings in your life, that’s how life thanks you for being good!
• Emotions are part of life. You can’t live life wrestling them cause you will never win. You gotta learn to accept that they are there and you just gotta live through them.
• Weed and alcohol are the worst solutions to seek to fill up your emptiness, try to look for more positive outlets like writing, drawing, and playing music.
• You do not need anybody to approve of anything in your life, your decisions can lead to failure and that is OK. You gotta learn to be hurt before you can appreciate anything.
• Suicide is not the answer. Believe me, I tried.
• It takes time for a tree to grow, but you have to put in work for it to grow. It’s the same with yourself, it’s not an overnight change. It’s a tough road full of failures and trying and understanding. There will be days when lightning strikes you, some days a pest will come and gnaw at your leaves, and some kid will carve its initials on you with a sharp knife and that is part of it, keep growing and nurturing yourself.
• Eat, your body deserves it.
• Shower, your body also deserves it.
• Let your emotions happen. For me, personally, emotions are like little children that need attention. I’m a parent so that’s how I picture it. If a kid comes up to you and tugs at your shirt you do not ignore it, right? Cause if you do you can hurt the kid and they throw a temper tantrum. It’s the same with your emotions: let them come and tug at your shirt and ask them: What’s going on? They may have scraped their knee and need a hug and a kiss. 
• Do not send your inner kids to their room when they misbehave, they’ll come out angrier and more resentful, listen and help. For example, I used to hate people and I would just walk around giving everyone dirty looks and couldn’t stand leaving my room or my house because ew… people. I talked to my hatred and it opened up to my anger. I found that, since I’ve been bullied and hurt by people all my life, my anger was trying to protect me from being hurt ever again. I thanked the emotion and hugged it and told it that it was OK to be protective and it’s OK to be careful with people but not every apple is a bad apple! Now I’m a bit more open and more smiling and more accepting of others.
• We are all on our own river. Sometimes other boats approach for a while but then a current comes and takes them away and that’s OK. They showed up, did their part, good or bad, and left
• You are in control of how you feel. If a person is angry at you, it’s not your problem, it’s their problem. You can’t control their anger but can control how much you let it affect you. Take the anger and filter it into something positive if you can.
• Let people be, you make mistakes too!
• Everybody is responsible for filling their own backpacks with what they want, if you fill it with flowers it’ll be beautiful and fragrant. If you fill it with rocks, it’ll be heavy and painful.
• You are free but there are consequences! Life gives you what you give it!
• Love comes from the inside out, not the other way around
• Even if you are crying in a Ferrari, you’re still crying

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I shared my struggles with “friends” but they just said “Hang in there” and “Oh yeah just be strong” so I ended up bottling up everything inside.

I am from Mexico, so there is a huge sense of “men don’t cry” here, and a lot of toxic masculinity. I honestly despise this. A man can cry, a man can feel, a man can tell another man “I love you”. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna end up kissing. Due to my past trauma, I’ve grown quite comfortable with my sexuality and I stopped caring about showing my emotions to the world. It’s OK to feel guys!

My parents don’t believe in mental health issues (I was told I’m not depressed, just lazy, cause for my parents I’ve always been lazy).

I have had to battle my demons on my own all my life and it’s very damn tiring since nobody understands and you’re just “that weirdo”. But this has made me a fighter and has made me strong.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You matter, nothing that you’re going through is your fault and it can get better but first, it may get worse (sorry).

You are a miracle of life! You are not as alone, since you’ve got yourself. That is the only sure company you’ll have for the rest of your life so please try and make friends with yourself. It’s a long road, this life, might as well make it a little more pleasant with your passenger, huh?

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz – This book helped me realize that I was living the “dream of the world” and how to cope better with other people.
• The Monk That Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma – This book helped me realize that life is not about things, but about how you live it.
• The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz – A very good book about learning how to love yourself.
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz – A good guide that has taught me to see my feelings not as other parts but as little children who need attention, taught me to play with the children and listen to them when they’re upset and angry. Help and love them when they are hurt.
• Music helped me to cover up the horrible reality I was in. It got me through relentless bullying in school, and at home, it got me through break ups, and it got me through the darkness, it has always been my little ray of light and bubble in which I can get lost.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

My username on all my social media is: elgat0verde

I’ve also started a blog where I talk about my experiences, it’s called The Barren Earth Diaries.

I am quite active on Instagram (I post all my favorite albums there), Reddit, and Youtube (I will be uploading music there, maybe some mental health stuff in English).

I also write music about living with BPD and depression. Here is my music on Youtube Music, Spotify, and Bandcamp as well.

Thank you for the support!!

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

This Cheat Sheet Will Help You Be Happier and More Productive

Thrive under stress and crush your goals with these 10 unique tips for your mental health.

Download The Free Cheat Sheet

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post How Hitting Rock Bottom Started My Journey of Healing From BPD and Addiction appeared first on Tracking Happiness.

Contents

• Who are you?
• What is your struggle?
• How did you feel at your worst moment
• When did you turn it around?
• What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
• Who did you share your struggle with?
• Your best piece of advice?
• Books and resources
• Learn more

Hello! Who are you?

My name is Melody Votoire! I am a young author located in Iowa.

I have been in a committed relationship for about a year with my lovely partner, and I’m fortunate to have a small but unique and irreplaceable group of friends whom I love dearly.

I consider myself happy-in-progress, but I am proud to say I spend each day enabling a better future so that I can eventually label myself as truly content.

My ambitions include writing full-time, pioneering new forms of artistic expression, and, if time allows, becoming a “crazy cat lady” sounds incredible.

What is your struggle and when did it start?

I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about a year ago, but the symptoms of it have been occurring since my early childhood. I have always been considerably antisocial, insecure, and impulsive.

As I hit my early teen years, I began to engage in extremely risky and careless behavior, which only worsened with age. I went through periods of severe self-harm and became increasingly suicidal, feeling myself slowly fall into a state of utter hopelessness.

Despite these struggles, I still had moments of extreme (and typically delusional) happiness. This is known as “splitting white” on the spectrum of black-and-white thinking that borderline patients experience and I have been no stranger to splitting drastically.

In fact, there are days when I find myself splitting every half-hour at the slightest of triggers. Going through a constant cycle of emotions, and experiencing them as vividly as possible is incredibly draining.

It is difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of my Borderline Personality Disorder, though there are occurrences in my life that I presume enabled it.

My family members that I grew up around experienced similar personality disorders, which I have always credited as majorly impacting my emotional development. A child’s first example of how to process mental functions is often the experience of witnessing their immediate family do so, and I frequently observed situations of black-and-white thinking, disordered arguments, emotional invalidation, and paranoid tendencies.

I have also been involved in abusive sexual situations during varying stages of my life, which is a known cause of the disorder as well. These incidents involved people who I had every reason to trust and love, which directly affected my ability to maintain healthy views toward my peers. 

Another major factor of BPD is the fear of abandonment. Much like a majority of BPD sufferers, I have been known to go to extremes in order to avoid abandonment. While I am not proud of it, I once was a person who shamelessly manipulated, begged, and lied in an effort to get people in my life to stay with me.

This, of course, pushed those people away further, causing them to leave and further validating my fear of being left behind. This became a vicious cycle.

Borderline Personality Disorder constantly affects me every day of my life, regardless of how much I have positively developed in recent years. I have the constant role of monitoring my every move and reaction and avoiding triggers at all costs. I still split, just not quite as often, and each relapse with doing so is incredibly saddening as it can feel like I have lost all progress in trying to outgrow the disorder’s tendencies. 

The Borderline Personality Disorder “favorite person” dynamic has by far been the most impacting symptom in my own case. To summarize, a favorite person dynamic results in the idolization of someone (typically a friend, partner, or therapist) and acute obsession.

For me, I have had this dynamic with every romantic partner I have had, and it caused me to self-sabotage each of those relationships. There were habits of stalking, jealousy, cheating, suicide threats, and severe emotional distress. I have thankfully grown out of these habits for the most part, though I do still consider my current relationship a favorite person dynamic and it is extremely difficult to monitor these tendencies and maintain a healthy relationship at times.

Having a partner is something I have always valued strongly, and I feel that BPD has directly interfered with this.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

Borderline Personality Disorder makes each and every emotion experienced at its strongest.

Happiness is a high like no other, sadness is a pit of despair, and anger is dangerous to everyone involved. BPD added salt to the wound during the worst moments of my life – occurrences that would be difficult even for someone perfectly healthy – and made existing feel like the most impossible task there is.

The emotions often become too much to handle, and my mind will entirely shut down and prevent me from feeling anything at all.  Disassociating is often the first place my mind takes me, and I will become entirely numb in an effort to avoid the draining cycle of emotional turmoil. 

Most people in my life (up until I began sharing my recovery journey online) were not aware of the fact that I was struggling with BPD, or even that I was mentally ill in any form. I have almost always remained professional, yet reserved, and the only thing that ever raised concern was how quiet I could be in social settings.

Still, I was only ever pinned as shy, and I have never been approached by peers about potential mental disorders. However, those close to me always knew there was something off.

My best friend and primary confidant of five years has always been aware of every detail of my life, including my reckless and manipulative tendencies. She was the first to hear of my many experiences of impulsive behavior, and consistently witnessed me hurt both myself and others.

Every romantic partner I’ve had has also quickly understood that something abnormal was occurring, especially when they were on the receiving end of the favorite person dynamic. When I finally received my diagnosis of BPD, my partner at the time, as well as my best friend, were not surprised at all.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I was elated to finally have a label for my issues.

After suffering through the symptoms for my entire life, there was finally an answer as to why I had experienced them. The understanding that I was not inherently a bad person, only struggling with factors that created obstacles to maintaining my own morals, was incredibly validating and finally gave me a reason to begin crawling out of my pit of insecurity and self-hatred.

By having a name for my disorder, I was able to effectively research the experiences of others online and I began trying out their coping mechanisms.

I would say that 50% of my positive development was through my own actions and mental monitoring, and I credit the other half to the incredible support of my partner and friend group. The diagnosis helped them as well, as they were able to see from others that there was genuine hope for improvement, and it encouraged them to stick around and help me work through difficult times.

I am infinitely thankful for their kindness towards me, and the help they have provided in my recovery.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

I began journaling every night, documenting my day’s experiences, and allowing myself to analyze each occurrence. Keeping track of my day-to-day life provided a healthy way of venting about the negative aspects and celebrating the positive.

The best part of journaling for me personally has been looking back on old entries and seeing how I have achieved past goals or grown from past problems. I am incredibly proud of how I have matured, and my journals are written evidence of my own improvements.

For many people, including myself, journaling is a difficult habit to maintain. I started off by mapping out my days via bullet points, and this slowly morphed into detailed paragraphs over time. The most important aspect is getting your experiences down on paper and actually allowing yourself to rationally analyze your own life. It doesn’t matter if what you’ve written is a masterpiece or not.

I also recommend working out. Personally, I have found that keeping a schedule of days to do so (ex. Every morning Monday-Thursday) ensures that I can hold myself accountable, but this of course varies person-to-person.

Exercise is proven to make a positive impact on one’s mental health regardless of their condition (or lack thereof), but it has specifically assisted my BPD in terms of anger issues.

Instead of taking my anger out on myself or others, I am able to convert it into a healthy release when working out. Whether it’s a punching bag or simple stretches with weights, working out provides an outlet that can only benefit me. At the end of the day, you’re improving your physical health as well, which directly benefits every other aspect of your life. It’s a win-win!

Creative writing and poetry has been my most therapeutic outlet. Converting my emotions and experiences into a creative piece has helped me unpack deep-rooted trauma and anger.

Instead of allowing myself to have severe outbursts, I try to take a moment to write down my feelings and spend time crafting them into a poem or story. The creative aspect of it is an amazing distraction and diffuses many of my incoming episodes.

Sharing this work with the world has also proven to benefit me, as it has greatly impacted my readers and builds a community within them. Painting, writing, playing music, and any other form of art is a lovely method of dealing with BPD as it is a healthy and fun way to process difficult situations. There are hundreds of creative hobbies out there and I firmly believe everyone can find at least one that resonates.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

For a long time, I was only comfortable with talking to my close friends about Borderline Personality Disorder. This was partially because they had already witnessed a majority of the effects, and it wasn’t news to them. Having a support system within my friend group is highly comforting for me and I am thankful to have people that I know I can always talk to when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Discussing my disorder with my family, however, proved to be difficult. In my early teen years, I went through varying phases of harboring resentment toward my family, believing that they had ruined my life and were the sole reason for my mental issues.

I now realize this was an incredibly juvenile perspective and that blaming others only contributes to the issue, and does not resolve it in any way. I have matured greatly since then and I understand the reasons for the occurrences that contributed to my situation.

While it is undeniable that they were directly involved with my childhood and development, the last thing I wanted to do when it came time to open up was come across as guilt-tripping by sharing my emotional state with them. Despite their impact on my mental health, I am aware that my family has done their best to love and care for me, and I never want them to feel as though their potential parts in my disorder imply they failed to love me in any way. 

After finally speaking to my family about my BPD, I no longer found it difficult to share my experiences with others as I felt I had already crossed the most daunting obstacle. I began to share my experiences online with the community of those who support my writing, and it has proven to be therapeutic to do so.

I often post what I refer to as “BPD-Boot Camp”, which involves videos and photos documenting my coping mechanisms and destigmatizing the taboo struggles of the disorder. There are absurd misconceptions about the disorder everywhere you turn, and I have taken care to share the truth about Borderline Personality Disorder without sugarcoating the parts that are difficult to hear.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

You are the one and only thing that can make you happy. Relying on others to “fix” your disorder, falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, and blaming others for your condition are self-destructive and nothing more.

Mental health relies on your mindset, and while it’s easier said than done, inviting a positive outlook into your psyche is the core solution to BPD and similar issues. While having a support system is a beautiful and important thing, you have to be willing to help yourself and take the necessary steps to do so.

This is a message that I truly wish I understood earlier in my life. I have wasted countless amounts of time and energy waiting for that special someone to sweep me off my feet and make everything okay, using others as outlets for my pain, and hurting myself needlessly. The unrivaled cause of my recovery has been, and will always be, my willingness to work toward enabling a better mindset. 

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

• BPD Beautiful is filled with information and personal stories that I have related to consistently and used to propel my own recovery.
• The Teenager Therapy podcast was a relatable and inspiring content source for me in my early teens and helped me work through day-to-day adolescent experiences.
• The poetry book “Is It Okay to Say This?” by Trista Mateer provides a raw, inspiring documentation of healing from trauma and helps me understand that it will always get better.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

I am currently in the process of publishing my first poetry book with a novel in the works as well. Poetry is my passion, and I seize any opportunity to post it online and recite it at public events. My hope is that by posting my works online I can help others in the same way that writing has helped me over the years – as a means of healing and empowerment. 

You can find more information regarding my writing on my website, or you can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok.

By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here.

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Hugo Huijer Author

Founder of Tracking Happiness, with over 100 interviews and a focus on practical advice, our content extends beyond happiness tracking. Hailing from the Netherlands, I’m a skateboarding enthusiast, marathon runner, and a dedicated data junkie, tracking my happiness for over a decade.

The post Sharing My Life With Borderline Personality Disorder, and What It’s Like appeared first on Tracking Happiness.